Happy New Year......

2010 has arrived. I saw it arrive alone. I suspect, if I live long enough, there will be many more I see arrive, alone. I should have gone to bed and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. I didn't

I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.

I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.

First Laugh of the Morning

I opened my email this morning to find this. I found it truly funny.

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

Four Days of . . .?

Good question. I have planned to have the kids over tomorrow night for pizza and to see the new year in. But after that, I really want to just do my own thing. I want to work in my edit job and maybe write some other things.

But I always get sidetracked. Everyone needs something.I really don't want much company these days. I'm what the head guys call an introvert, and probably a pretty extreme one if they knew the whole story. Social events actually tire me out. Extroverts are energized by social events.

So, what will I do. At the moment, I'm exhausted. It has been a rather trying week and I'm just spent. We all went out tonight to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He's 26.

I came home and have been making some CD's to listen to in the car so I can continue to brush up on the Spanish. I haven't been doing it much at night the last couple of weeks. Mainly because I've been so depressed I haven't touched the book.

I"m going to bed I think now. I'd like to get up in the morning and feel good. It is raining out, been pouring for hours.. I do hope it won't be too cold or it will be ice and that will sort of put a crimp in my plans for tomorrow night.

Everyone have a happy new year, if I'm not back before then. You are all the most wonderful friends. Thank you all for your encouraging comments the last couple of days. I do read them. And they do help. When things seem darkest, it is nice to have someone strike a match.

Long Dark Night

I don't understand sometimes why breathing seems such a chore. Why is waking up and getting out of bed is so difficult? There is an expression that came to my mind while I was writing that: the long dark night of the soul. I looked it up. Although I've heard it for years, I realized that I didn't really understand what it meant. I do now.

There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)

I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.

I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.

I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).

A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.

But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.

Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.

The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.

Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.

Monday Morning Yuck

Gray skies, nothing but gray skies do I see!

Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?

It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.

I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.

I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.

I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!

Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.

I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.

Catching Up With Myself

Sunday, last day of vacation! Whew! That was waaayyyy too fast.

I'm about to leave to pick up Mike and head off to church. I almost did not go this morning. Neck, hands, and BOTH calf muscles are hurting. The calf muscles hurt yesterday but today I think they are a bit worse. I haven't really had pain in the left one much before but today they're a match. Got a headache, too.

Tried to call to see if I could take Sarah to church. No answer. Surprise. Why do I even bother? Because I am accountable if I don't at least try.

Sorry, not going there this morning. I can't handle it.

Last night I took my laptop to bed and watched the first Lord of the Rings while lying in the comfort and warmth of my bed. That was really NICE! I do not have a television in my bedroom. I think it is a terrible idea. I have sleep problems anyway and that will only add to them. I was up until 2 a.m. watching them. I have been up since 8 a.m. this morning. I've stopped worrying about getting enough sleep. I am taking my meds regularly, although two night I didn't take the muscle relaxant... (could be why the calves are hurting). I was very late getting to bed those night and don't like to take it after 10 p.m. However, I also went and bought my melatonin. I had run out a few weeks ago and just have not remembered to get it.

I was getting all the supplements I take and Mike looked at my basket and said, "MOM! What is all that?" I told him I have to take it all. There was Super B complex, melantonin, Calcium, Vitamin D, Chromium Picolante, milk thistle, and vitamine E. I told him that wasn't all I take either and did not include prescription meds.

I talked with my friend in Michigan last night, the one whose daughter has not been well. He said she is going to have to stay with him and drop out of school here. I think that is a good thing. She needs to be with family for support. There was too much pressure here.

It is very odd really that call. I was on my way home from Mike's and had picked up my cell phone to call Mike about something I forgot to tell him. While it was ringing something said Call R--- R----. It was so strong that I forgot why I was calling Mike and hung up. I drove a few blocks and finally decided that was a instruction that demanded attention. I thought about waiting until I got home and finish calling Mike. But the reason I was calling Mike was totally gone. My phone rang and it was Mike wanting to know why I hung up before he could answer. I told him I forgot why I was calling. I told him I'd call back. Then I immediately tried my friend's number and no answer. I left a message to say I was just checking up on them to see that all was going well and if his daughter was doing better.

I went home and about half an hour later I got a call. It was my friend. He had got my message. I told him why I was calling and asked how things were going. He said, "Well, when you called we were having a discussion and that's why I couldn't answer. I can't believe the timing of your call! It's amazing." I told him about my "orders" and that I usually try and follow them. He told me he was glad I did.

Apparently, the discussion was about things they had not said to one another and was emotioinal for both of them but he felt they had begun to work some things out. He wanted to talk a bit about it. So we did. When we hung up I was glad I had called, too. It was apparent that things were looking better for them and I was relieved. I think he was relieved to share the load a bit. But that's what friends are for.

And now, I must get to church! Mike will be having a cow.

Merry Christmas - Video Introduction

My Bow (and Tree) To the Season

That Bow in the title is how you great a dignitary. But I have a bow on my door at home and a tree on Multiply. See above. Isn't English weird?

I do now wish to celebrate as I've said before. I bought the bow from a girl at work who makes them and taped it to my front door. I'll have to take a photo of it. It really is lovely. I have a Santa on my coffee table. And today, I put up the tree... on Multiply. Lovely blue lights.

Currently, it is a bright.... scratch that. It is a dark gloomy day. I don't believe I've ever seen as much cloud cover in my life as I have this winter! It is unreal. Not much snow, some rain, and lots of darkness. I thought we were going to fry and instead, we will die from lack of sunlight!

I forgot to get my vitamins and have to go to the store today and pick them up. They increased my Vitamin D from 2000 units to 3000. Well, with no sunlight I can't expect much help.

I'm depressed and have a headache today. I took the wrong meds this morning. I took the ones I usually take at night. I have a pill minder but I have done this a couple of times. I was distracted and not thinking.

For the most part, it isn't serious but I have to figure it out because it could be if my meds were more serious meds. I take two meds both morning and night and they are probably the most risky. So that's fine. But I don't take my fluid pill at night and I don't take metformin (diabetic med) at night. So, I had to go take those. I take a different BP med at night from in the mornings so, that could be a potential problem and I'll call the pharmacy about it. Could be where my headache is from. The only remaining pill is the muscle relaxant. I only take it at night although it is prescribed for 3x a day. It won't hurt me except at some point I expect to be sleepy.

A l little excitement arrived today. I stopped posting this long enough to go check my mail at the front desk this morning. I had a card from someone. I thought it was Jilly because of the postmark and wondered why she'd send me a second Christmas card at this address since she already sent me one at home. It wasn't from Jilly. I opened it in the front office and was showered with stars... and hearts, and snowflakes, and glittery wreaths. I laughed and said, "KATEY!" I had just read Riete's blog this morning and remembered Katey's blog a week or so ago. Yes, she sent me glitter. It was so funny. I went to show a friend, sharing a small bit of my glitter on her desk. She smiled and grabbed it up saying, "Its pink! I have to keep it." Everything in her office is pink.

So, Katey, thank you for the sparkly card and the stars. I like getting cards at work now and then. I'm here all day and it is a bright spot in my day. Everyone wonders who they are from. I get to say things like "My friend on my blog." or " My friend in England." They ALWAYS say, "REALLY?" And I get them at home too so I have had nice things waiting for me after work.

Lisa, I got your card and the CD but don't know if I told you. I forget sometimes. I love guitar music and so it was perfect. It will be playing this week at home. I still have last year's, too. I like playing holiday music.

Thank you all who have sent a card or gift. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness. I always liked getting Christmas cards but this year they have meant so much more to me than usual. To know you thought of me and took the time to tell me had been so lovely. I always try and send cards out but this year I just didn't even think about it so I apologize for not sending any in return. BUT I've written down all the addresses! So, I hope next year will be more cheerful and I will be able to send out lots of cards.

I have to go to lunch now. I've taken several hours to compile this. A break here and there. Good thing there is a draft feature to Multiply. If I don't talk to you all before Christmas Day, I hope it is a lovely one for every one of you. I probably will be here. You know I'm here all the time!

Late Night

They admitted Sarah to the hospital. She's on an IV and poor little thing is so sick. I got there and she opened her eyes and asked me to hold her. I sat with her on my lap, her arm splinted for the IV, for over an hour. Her fever went up and they came to give her medicine for that and I fed her ice. Then, she went to sleep and I put her to bed. They have been at the hospital all day long. Please God, I do not want this stuff. AS I was leaving I saw a young girl, about 13 or 14, sitting in the treatment room vomiting. The place was filled with people vomiting. Lucky me.

So, I just got home. David (Sarah's daddy) was in the ER for the same bug. Vomiting and fever. Becca is sick and vomiting and has to stay with Sarah tonight. I felt bad for her. I don't know what to do. There isn't anyone else who can do it. I have to work in the a.m. but I don't know how Becca is going to rest and look out for that baby. David was seen and will stay with her. He felt a bit better only because they gave him zofran. But he can't buy the script for it since he has no money and no insurance and no job. I sure can't pay for it either. It is nearly $100 a pill.

Of course, we know that Obama is going to fix all this. Everyone will be given all the medicine they need. When they need it. FREE medical care for all. Since I don't believe ANYTHING on the planet is free, I wonder who will pay for it?

Anyway, they are all at the hospital spending the night. We tried to get Becca to go through the ER but she said she wasn't spending $10,000 to get a shot of zofran and a bottle of salt water. She went and bought gatorade and will try and make it through the night on her own. At least she is in the hospital. Although, they won't help her unless she goes through the ER.

If you pray, you might say a pray or three for them all.

It's Snowing In S. Indiana

Snow is finally falling. Rather large flakes. I don't think it will stay because it just isn't cold enough. And I don't think the system is large enough to drop much snow. We'll see.

They've had Sarah at the E. R. twice today. The second time was because she was still vomiting and she couldn't keep the medicine down that kept her from vomiting. They have given her an IV to get fluids in her but I don't know if they will keep her or not.

Going to shower now.

Saturday Snow

I just got in from church. We had our Christmas play. It was quite amusing. A man in our church always writes the play. This year he based it on A Wonderful Life. It was very good and hysterically funny in places. People were laughing all over so it was a good time.

It is snowing. Tiny, wet flakes that aren't sticking to the ground are swirling around an covering things. It has been cold enough here to make it stick. The ground has not frozen this season so until that happens, I don't look for any snow to stick. Fine by me.

I bought myself a pretty today. A new quilt and shams for my bed.


Once it was on the bed, I was so excited and I realized that my rug that I had bought went perfectly with the spread! Don't mind the blue blanket hanging down. I'm going to get a cream colored one so it blends better. I will buy a bed skirt in the summer perhaps, when the blankets come off.


Later, I went shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond looking for a bed table. You know, the kind that you can have breakfast in beds with. I found curtains I think would be perfect in with it. The picture of the online isn't as pretty as the curtains because you can't see the detail. They are room darkening and lined with a fleece for warmth. They are burgundy silk with gold flowers embroidered. They have a pair the color of the rug and quilt but I think too much of that light color will make the room a bit dull. I love rich tones like those in the prints. '


Now I just have to paint it all. I'm quite excited about it. Of course the curtains will cost me the earth. If I buy them I'll spend over $150 for two windows! That's obscene. But I could see it in my head! Now for a wall color. I'm thinking the dark gold in the curtain embroidery and the background of the rug.

Vindication?

I love it when I'm right. I thought I'd post this since I made a statement a few days ago about listing to my Spanish tapes when I am sleeping. I should have asked for a grant when I was in college to fund MY study.

I hope you can read the article. I get emails from the Mercola site and that is where it came from. I've posted some of the content below the link. He gives comments after the short article but I didn't copy those.

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/12/17/Sounds-During-Sleep-Can-Boost-Your-Memory.aspx

Sounds During Sleep Can Boost Your Memory

Posted by: Dr. Mercola
December 17 2009 | 30,626 views

A new study about a different kind of audio approach during sleep gives insight into how the sleeping brain works, and may eventually come in handy to people studying a language, cramming for a test or memorizing lines in a play.

Scientists at Northwestern University reported that playing specific sounds while people slept helped them remember more of what they had learned before they fell sleep, to the point where memories of individual facts were enhanced.

Researchers taught people to move 50 pictures to their correct locations on a computer screen. Each picture was accompanied by a related sound, like a meow for a cat and whirring for a helicopter.

Then, 12 subjects took a nap, during which 25 of the sounds were played along with white noise. When they awoke, none realized that the sounds had been played or could guess which ones had been used. Yet almost all remembered more precisely the computer locations of the pictures associated with the 25 sounds that had been played while they slept, doing less well placing the other 25 pictures.

The study adds a dimension to a theory that sleep allows the brain to process and consolidate memories.

Tales in the Dark

"What I tell you in the darkness, speak ye in the light" (Matt. 10:27).

The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rang and I it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.

January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.

A second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.

I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.

Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.

Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.

As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.

Bells and Voices

So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.

However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.

I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all and only include them for those truly interested in reading them. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?

As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.

"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12

"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22

"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12

"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2

In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.

Fire And Smoke

The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.

To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.

"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20

This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they aren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.

"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11

"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22

Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.

Down A Dark Road

Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.

"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9

It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11

"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9


Trouble in the Dark

Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?

"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8

"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6

"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26

WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.

"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22

"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3

"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22

There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.

"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2

"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16

"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8

Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?

I can.

Leaky Faucets and Rotting Corpses

I thought I was fine last night. I haven't really felt good all week but I've managed to get by, even writing a bit. Still, I've been very down. I have gone to bed a bit earlier several nights, only to arise earlier. I was resting I suppose. I remember even dreaming several nights. I do think I'm getting Mike's cold.

Around 10 p.m. last night I simply descended into hell. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying and it frightens me. You just can't breath. I don't think I've descended that far in a while. It is the worst place to be and there really is no escape. Once you hit the steepest part of the slope there is nothing to stop you, nothing to grab onto. You end up at the bottom with bloody knees, torn nails and a bruised soul.

This is as far from normal as you ever want to get. Everything is upside down. I look around my house and feel, despite it being clean and fairly organized, that it is a waste land. Devoid of anything that makes it home. I don't love it anymore. It doesn't love me either.

I see things I'd like to get done and find I just really don't care anymore. The hot water faucet in the tub is leaking. The half bath toilet has no water in the tank because it was leaking and I just turned it off, cleaned out the bowl, and poured cleaning solutions through it to make sure it was clear of any odors. The kitchen faucet has a leak; I've mopped up water underneath it twice this week. The leak in the bottom of the tub I've stopped, I think with spray foam that expanded to form a round glop in the bottom of the tub. It's stuck there until I discover if I'm up to taking it out and put in a new one.

But I don't care, actually. I know these things need fixing. I just don't see how or when or even if I want to. I've no problem turning off the water to the kitchen sink and tub but I actually have to wash dishes and take a bath. But I no longer use the half bath toilet since it has no water. I just brush my teeth in there and fix my hair because it has the best light and mirrors. Most of the time it is closed off.

We're just rotting corpses. Dust to dust. Eventually, we'll just be dust.

Twiddling My Thumbs

We had our office Christmas luncheon today and revealed our Secret Santa's. We exchanged names and have been getting and giving small presents for the last couple of weeks. Lunch was good and it was a lot of fun watching over the last week when people got their gifts. I got candy and body butter from Victoria's Secret and some lotion from Bath & Body Works. Actually the person I drew also drew my name so it was amusing when the reveal came today.

As most of you know, I've been in fairly dark places the last week. I apologize if anyone is bothered by that. I wish I could say it won't happen again. I can't. At the moment, I'm better. I have gotten some much needed rest. I went to bed last night at 9:30 p.m.. I've said before I am pretty sure that lack of sleep is one of the biggest problems and it makes everything else profoundly worse. I have noticed when I don't sleep, I become severely depressed and distraught. Everything snowballs.

With that early night, I got up at 6 a.m. this morning! That's a lot of sleep. I was so tired I could hardly stand it. It was such a dreadful weekend that I think I was just spent by Monday morning. When I got home I was nearly a zombie. And I was frustrated about going to bed so early but I simply could not stay up any longer. Once in bed, I was out in in minutes

I'm doing something you will think very odd. For the last two nights, I have turned on one of my Spanish language tapes when I went to bed. Last night I only woke up once that I recall when there was a change of speaker on the tape. It only last 45 minutes anyway.

I've used this technique for years to learn things. I did it all the time in college, taping my notes and listening to them. I've recommended this to probably half a dozen other people and each one who tried it said it was tremendously helpful. My theory is that hearing your own voice actually helps your brain accept the information. There were several information intensive course I had and this worked for me. I need to find my pillow speaker, though. I am just using the player's speakers and last night I had to turn it down. Sunday night it didn't bother me but it did last night. I finally got a comfortable level and was fine but I recall the speaker pillow was really good.

I'm trying to brush up on my Spanish and I figured that a good way would to get my "ear"in tune by letting it play when I was asleep. I read Spanish fairly well up to a point; I'm rusty. But understanding spoken Spanish is difficult for me because I've never got to use it. I'll let you know if I can detect an improvement. I plan on making recordings of my own voice soon and see if that will help with my spoken Spanish, too.

I began editing The End of Winter this morning. Yes, this morning at 7 a.m. I wanted to start this weekend but when I'm so mentally stressed and tired I simply can't function. I was very upset by not being able to do any writing this weekend. This particular story is probably one of my favorites and I'd really like to get it presentable. I have a good group of writers whose opinions I trust so I think I'll know if it is worth the effort. But if I can't keep my focus I'm never going to be able to do this. I'm beginning to think I'll never be clear headed again. Surely if I can crank out 20,000 in one week I can edit an already written work!

Now, I should get back to work. I'm here twiddling my thumbs and I'm thinking about asking to leave a bit early today. I have 3 hours of personal time and if I don't take it I will lose it at the end of the year. Maybe I should wait until Friday and take it all? I'm already wanting to go home so I don't know.

Hope you all have a good Tuesday.

Understatements

It isn't fair you know. To be isolated like this. To wake up and go to bed in this cave. I wish I had saved all my vacation for the month of December. I'd catch a plane and go somewhere that there is sunshine, heat and people. I didn't.

I will never love snow or the thought of snow again.

I'm about as tired tonight as I can ever remember being. And I did very little this weekend but sit and keep a tight rein on my emotions. But they still slipped the reins and took off across the field. I was left behind in a heap.

Now, I want to lie down but I have things I'd like to do. I wanted to write but I can't think. I wanted to read, but I can't think. I wanted to watch something, but I can't think.My brain seems to be straining to even get this simple, unimaginative post out. I've had a headache all day but am too frightened anymore to take the meds for it. Ludicrous.

I'm going to bed. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Ain't it the truth.

Holiday Hells

I don't think we generally use the term holiday juxtaposed with the term hell but it has a certain ring to it, don't you think? I think so... today.

What are these Holiday Hells? Amazingly enough they are everywhere.

Yards filled with elf, snowman, or Santa balloons half filled with air. I passed one the other day of a toy soldier who had lost half his air. He was bent at the waist, his face near the ground, one arm raised. He looked like he was praying. What does a toy soldier, an air filled toy soldier, have to do with Christmas? Maybe he was praying, asking the same question.

Stores with long lines of people who are generally in a nasty mood because they are having to stand in a long line to buy gifts for people they don't actually like anyway. Or complaining because they can't afford it and will be miserable into June because they spent too much.

Traffic jams at already poorly planned intersections, where horns blow for no apparent reason and to no apparent effect except to annoy those of us waiting patiently for the moron at the front of the line to realize the whole world has stopped in their tracks and is waiting for them to GO ON!

Christmas songs, with few religious ones, in every store in town that play over and over and over beginning in August and that we are all heartily sick of by December 1 but still have four weeks of them left. We don't even hear the words anymore, never mind feel the spirit that they were originally written to express.

Oh Holy Hell is what you hear the stressed mother in the toy aisle singing because she's trying to shop with her children and they are kicking and screaming and throwing tantrums because she won't let them pick up every item on the shelf. She's forgotten all about the wonder of the Holy Night. And Silent Night? That won't happen until after the kids are in bed and she can pull the plug on the television that had been running for 12 hours because her husband has been glued to the sports channel.

And my own personal holiday hells?

Waking up every few hours to pain strapped around my shoulders like a yoke.

Dragging myself out of bed for church and wondering why I have to live another day with this kind of pain, without Jerry. Wishing my children would go to church with me but knowing there is no point even asking anymore.

Sitting through worship service at church, clutching a fist of tissue until it is little more than dust so I can keep some of my dignity and composure while actually wanting to crawl under the pew and scream and scream and scream.

Enduring hugs from wonderful, well-meaning friends who tell me to hang on, it gets better.

Finding the sun shining as I come out of the church and as I head toward home, thinking how nice it would be if Jerry and I could take a drive somewhere this afternoon all while realizing it will never happen again.

Watching my son do something the way his father always did it.

Happy Holidays.

Live from My Study, It's Saturday Night

I just got in from my friend's birthday party. I was so nice to see her and spend time with her. We met in college in 1989 and spent the next five years studying together and I've always missed her since we graduated. We've managed a few lunches since 1995 but jobs, families, and other things have prevented us being able to spend time together like we did when were were at school. We had those things then too but school was our escape.

I don't know if anyone could view the snowball fight video I uploaded. Seems some might not have been able to work it. I'm reposting it with Youtube so we'll see how it works.

I'm going for a hot shower. As I suspected, I didn't get to write today. No spare time anywhere but I have pulled off the first chapter of The End of Winter. I think I will start there. We'll see.

Snowball Fight

A good friend of mine posted this for my daughter-in-law's birthday. It is just too funny! Go watch...

Snowball fight

Are We Having FUN Yet!

Of course we are! I'm really excited about starting my challenge tomorrow. I have a blast with NaNo and it seems as if that is the kind of craziness I thrive on writing wise. I've provided helps to keep track and now the rest is up to us.

I've got a couple of NaNo'ers joining me. But you don't have to be a NaNowrimo to participate in this challenge. Just love to write. Remember you set the total goal, divide it up and write the appropriate number of words each day that wiil get you to the big finish.

Cass, I think Nina is going to join Multiply so who knows, she may catch the late train.

I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow night. Shhhh, it is a surprise so I won't breath a word until after the festivities. She isn't on this blog but I don't know if she reads my blogs! So, quiet!

I had a busy day at work and am thoroughly tired. Sitting four hours in a chair watching the overhead and computer screen for training is a literal pain in my neck. I'm going to the shower soon and then, I plan on pulling up my old NaNo and see if it is up for rewrite. I want to work on an existing work so it will be a bit harder to count my words. I"ll have to do a bit more math. I hate math.

By the way, I've fallen apart about every day this week, usually at night around bedtime. Particularly when I turn out the lights and look at the ceiling with the tiny glowing stars we put up. How will I ever take them down to paint now?

I think I'm more or less learning that it is going to happen. I can't prevent it, stop it, or make it any better. I've managed to gather some wonderful people around me that are just tremendous at popping in with a call, email or lunch (feeding the wounded is ingrained in all of us) and they have made life tremendously easier to cope with. I'm grateful for that. The night the writers group is here are so filled with laughter that is is very difficult to be depressed afterward. Of course, I manage somehow 8-(. I seem to love a challenge.

I'm finding nights in general a real problem at the moment . . . yes, I know, again. Look I have no idea what comes next. I don't like this position I'm in. If Jerry were alive, I'd be ranting and raving at him for doing this to me. That's stupid. I wouldn't be in this position if he were. I'd throw something, I'm sure. . . . . not that I ever did that before.

It is just so frightening to be approaching this . . . this deadline. I've considered what I'd be doing on the critical days the 25th, 11th, & 29th. It defies me because I don't want to think about them. So, I don't. . . much. A little.

For now, shower. Later, plotting.....

20 Day Challenge Prep

The challenge was issued and I've agreed to join. So have some of you. I've found a couple of gadgets I've used each NaNo to help me keep up with word counts without having to stop and do the math. One is the attached Excel form. If you don't have MS Excel, you can download the free OpenOffice.org. I've found it as excellent to use as MS Office and it can also create PDF files!

Also, here is a link to Writetopia's page where you can find a word count gadget to put on your page showing what your total word count is and where you are each day. They have several fun one. You just have to paste the code on your page and it shows up. If you have trouble with the coding.... ask me and I'll try and give you a hand.

Writetopia Toolbox

All right. We're doing our stretches. The event starts tomorrow, whatever time you want to start. Set a daily goal, find the total you should be at on the 20th day an get started before midnight tomorrow. Good luck! You can't lose!

Sacrifices and Service

Link

I only ran across this story tonight. Next time you think you have sacrificed anything, or that you've given some great service, remember these men.

I was speechless when I read it. Honored that these were American men willing to risk everything in service to their country. And amazed at their family's ability to sustain such a terrible loss. They couldn't even bury their children but instead, had to settle for memorial stones.

Challenge Issued, Hurdles to Come

I've been issued a challenge by my writing buddy, Snowgoon. He is doing a mini-nano of his own and has thrown out a dare. He says his wife has given him her blessing. I don't know about his four kids, LOL.

His dare is 800 words a day for 20 days beginning Saturday. So far, Sarah and Kathy have accepted but Sarah went for a higher count, around 1071 and I shot back with a challenge of my own. 1000 x 20 days. That is 20,000 words.Piece of cake.

He won't let me back out either. He'll send me thousands of emails calling down all kinds of wrath on me. He'll taunt me unmercifully, call me all manner of coward.

So, beginning Saturday, I'm writing again, dashing down the road to reach a goal, jumping 1000 word hurdles! Any NaNo'er's out there care to join us?

Our group has tentatively titled ourselves the Misfit Writ Crit - al la our Empress Sarah in jest (Sarah of the writing group, not my G'daughter). We all discovered last night than none of us had ever been in a clic or one of the in-crowd. LOL, ergo, MIsfits. Sarah has a gift . . . of gab and words and all kinds of things. All my Multiply friends would love her immensely. I'm betting her title is going to stick.

I spent the afternoon in software training. We're getting better with it but still not really pleased. But you do what you have to do. That is my philosophy about pretty much everything. Now, my back, esp my neck is not good from sitting and craning my neck back and forth to see the overhead and the monitor and talk to my neighbors, show someone how to do something they didn't get, etc.

They did tell us they've moved the roll out back another month to February. Glory be! Glad someone grew a brain. It has been horrendous. You could hear a huge sigh go up around the department.

I'm going to go now. I want to plan some stuff to write for the coming three weeks. I'm really thinking of working on one of the previous NaNo's. That would be really cool. So, I'll go for now. Might be back later.

Weekend alert! It's right THERE!

And Tuesday Arrived Wrapped in Shimmering Gray

Yes, she did. Wet, shimmering gray. Perhaps because she fell in the pool on the way in? At any rate, what a gloomy girl.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I just was so tired. I didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. That's 9 hours sleep! I have not been taking the Doxepin because I just needed my head cleared for a bit. It does get me foggy after about a week but it makes me sleep better at night. Although, I still take the muscle relaxant and melatonin. Maybe I just need a regular bedtime.

I'm not good and I can't tell why. I'm very depressed. I recognize the signs. Then, there is that hollow feeling that never really leaves and looms larger some days. I don't know if you can understand this concept but have you ever stood next to an open elevator shaft that had no elevator in it? I have and that is what it feels like. This yawning hole, not really threatening, just disconcerting.

Lately, I've been on the verge of tears all the time. I manage to maintain my composure for the most part. Yesterday, at my desk I just started to cry and had to close my door. I've been hearing things in the house again, as if someone is there. One night I got up and searched the whole place. It wasn't fun. I don't actually tell that to people much. I'm not imaginative in that way. I've always been pretty down to earth. A noise is a noise. I can't say the noises frighten me. I don't frighten easily, thankfully. I just don't like hearing sounds of people walking or moving about. I've not had mice for some time and they are not shy about leaving me signs so it isn't mice. I guess I'm not used to being afraid. And I am, most of the time.

I'm seeing my counselor today. I don't anticipate a very positive session. I'm very depressed. I did take Mike to lunch with me. He's the only one who calls these days or answers his phone when I call. It is always an adventure with Mike. You never know what mood he will be in. Today he was still coughing from the cold he can't seem to shake. But I think his mood was good all the same. I think he's been getting more sleep.

I'll be glad when my aunt comes back from her cruise. She calls everyday and it is nice to hear from her. My writer's group meets tomorrow night and that crew is always entertaining and just a pleasure to see.

Let's face it. I despise this whole thing. I'm not going to "get used to it". I'm not going to "get past it". I'm not going to "adjust". Makes me sound like one of those old televisions with the "rabbit ears" (you know those two pronged antenna that you had to put foil on and have someone adjust them so you could see a picture). I don't know how I am supposed to adjust.

I'm going to go home tonight and maybe go to the Y or I may be taking Mike to the store for some items he needs. We can argue about the merits of what he wants and who's paying. LOL, adventure, remember?

It's Oooooverrrr!

There is an old song (well not too old since I remember Elvis singing it) called "It Over". Monday is, to all intents and purposes over. I hate my job today. I told my boss I considered quitting when I woke up this morning. Of course I can't do that. It isn't an option.
Unless I win the lottery.

I don't believe in the lottery and never bought tickets before. I think my husband bought one once. But my boss plays it religiously. He goes around spending his winning... which he has yet to obtain. As a joke, I' tossed a few dollars at him telling him that it is money down a black hole but if he feels luck then I'm game. He laughed. I've been right so far. But sometimes I wish God had a perverse sense of humor and would let one of those dollars win the big pot. Proving that my lack of faith in anything is incorrect. Neither I nor God are laughing at this point.

No, I do not regularly play the lottery. Never have played before now. Last time I looked stupidity wasn't a sin. Be terrible if it was since there is sooooo much of it. But I'm two dollars broker. And that is probably a bigger sin. I would have been anyway when I spent it on a coke and apple pie that are neither good for me. Do not go out and buy lottery tickets. They are a waste of money. I don't advocate it. But I told him today that when I woke up I wanted to quit my job and if I felt even the least lucky I'd buy a ticket. If I dreamed the numbers tonight I might be very tempted.

I went to the doctor. I have bursitis in my upper arm and am to go to the orthopaedic doctor. They will give me a shot of cortisone to get rid of the pain. You know, I seem to recall months ago hitting my arm up there and thinking, "that's going to hurt tomorrow." I don't remember thinking about it again. But apparently, IT didn't forget. I can't remember what I hit but I hit it rather hard. Now, I can hardly brush my hair, can't lift a coffee mug from the shelf, and can't carry some items in a certain way without terrible pain. My arm just won't comply without biting me. And my shoulder is giving me fits on top of that.

My doctor told me to TAKE caffeine. He said my migraine was a rebound headache. I don't think so.I think I was dehydrated. I had the headache when I got up. I had coffee last night so I wasn't short of it. I've stopped trying to tell him anything on this issue. There all believe caffeine cause headaches and I don't doubt it does in some people. It has never affected me that way and my own evidence tells me it helps me stay migraine free longer. When I told him they get worse in the fall and better after spring, he said, "Oh, that sounds as if you have an allergy!" I told him I had reached that conclusion some time ago but didn't know what to do. So, we are going to get a spray and he will schedule me for allergy shots. Anyone ever had those? Do they work? Forever or just until they end?

My blood sugar is excellent he said.... still. I forgot to get my vitamin D refill. I'm tied. I don't want to go to the store. I'm sick and don't want to go to the Y either.

My blog is dismal, boring, and unenlightening. I hate being this way. Look back at some of the post two years ago. I had a BRAIN at some point. I actually could think for short periods of time. I know there are some lousy posts too but there were some thought provoking ones, interesting one, funny ones. People actually WANTED to read them. Now I feel as if everyone sees the title and wonders what ails me today. "Wonder what she's whining about now?" "How long can she yammer on about that?" "When will she get a clue that we are BORED?"

Don't say you haven't thought it. I have!

I do not like being a curmudgeon. I wonder what happened to the nice southern girl with the lovely manners who never spoke her mind but allowed everyone to speak theirs? What happened to the girl who believed everyone was nice, or good, or salvageable?

Beats me. Not sure she was even real.

You know, sometimes in my mind, I can actually seem myself 30 years ago, walking along with my arm in Jerry's and we're laughing and having a great time. I don't remember a care in the world. They rested on such broad, strong shoulders. I didn't have any reason to be concerned about anything. He always fixed it. Until he got sick. And I resented that he didn't fix things anymore because I didn't know he was sick. And now, I just want someone else to carry the load because it is way too much for me. I'm really just tired. I think sometimes my shoulder hurts because of the load I'm carrying on it.

Monday is over and the bathroom is warm now.

Monday Morning Blahs

I woke to find a dusting of snow on the ground and was so stressed I didn't want to leave the house. I've been depressed all weekend and missing Jerry terribly. I can't do anything about it.

I have a mild migraine headache on top of that. I think I may take something in a bit if it isn't better.

I had to go get that lab work done that I keep forgetting. They had to stick me twice in the back of my hand and said they still did not get enough. I think I was dehydrated. I had not had anything to drink and I was sweating when I woke up. The reason for my headache most likely. My doctor will probably be annoyed. I don't care.

My sister's tenant moved out of her rental unit. She is stressed and as a result so am I. I wish she had never bought the thing. The market is bad and she can't keep anyone in it for more than a year. She asked if Mike would want to move into it but he doesn't want to move in. I did ask him and then she asked him. It is a nice apartment but people don't want to pay their bills. They want everything free.

First Dave and Becca lived in it they didn't pay their utility bills and had to go somewhere that the Landlord would pay them. Then, Becca's mom and dad moved in and they didn't pay their security deposit and complained about rent half the time. They just moved out without any notice and they still owe rent because they have the keys. Do you think they will pay it? I doubt it. Actually, the wife moved out first with a cockamamie story that they were going to live in separate places. I told Phyllis to advertise then because I didn't believe he would stay. She believed he'd stay. He calls on the 1st to say he's moving. But he hasn't paid his rent. I told her to file it in court and report it to the credit bureau. They are both on the lease and it is a record for future landlords. There will be others. There always are.

Sadly, I had suggested Dave and Becca and Becca's folks. I thought these were people who were reliable. And they did take care of the place. But you can't live and not work and pay your bills. I've learned my lessons. Mike wants to stay where he is and that is better for him. Probably for me, too.

You know, I'm done with handouts. I give everything I can and all I get is smacked. No matter how nice, no matter how much money I fork out, no matter how I bend over backward to help, I end up with a knife stuck in me. I've been praying about it and asking God if I should change my character to stop this destructive behavior or sever ties with people who behave this way. There are times when someone needs help. And if I can do that then I want to do it. But when the same people come back again and again and again and never offer to return the favor, you got to wonder where the problem lies. I'm thinking I just need to stop rescue operations and everything that resembles favors. Start saying no.

I was asked today who I wanted to give as an emergency contact. Do you know, there wasn't anyone locally? Isn't that crazy? There isn't anyone capable of handling my affairs if something happens to me and I can't act. That is scary. Oh, I give my sister as primary but things are just crazy here.

I've thought over and over about moving but I can't do it. I have my house, my job, Jerry for all that he is dead, is here. I have a church that I truly love, warts and all. I don't know where I'd go. It is a very strange position to be in where those who love you most are gone. I've never realized how hollow life is without that. It pretty much doesn't mean anything. I can see why some people stop believing in anything and become bitter and hard.

Sorry for the depressing rant. I have lots of new friends and I'm grateful for them. I have my friends here on Multiply, nearly all long time friends. I do have family that love me. It just doesn't seem like it sometimes. I looked at Michael the other night and I thought how very very blessed I am to have Michael. In the early months of this nightmare I've been living, Mike was here. He stayed around when everyone else was gone. He didn't ask me questions, try to cheer me up, ask for anything. He sat here watching television or on the computer... just in case. And when I fell apart, he did his best to keep me together and when he couldn't, he made the calls.

He has no job. He has no money. He has no prospects. He has nothing at all. But Michael loves me completely and without any reservations or expectations. He is difficult to handle at times but Michael has, all his life, made my life brighter. He was the sunshine in nearly every day of his life. And the greatest heartbreaks have been for him. But he was just a good boy and still is. Everyone should have a Michael in their pocket. He was well named.

Loose Ends

I'm about to get ready for bed but from the notes I've been seeing, it seems I've forgotten to mention one or two important things.

My father is taking me on a cruise in April. I had to buy my passport this week. I only found out about it a few weeks ago when he emailed to ask me to go with them. He, my step-mom, and my aunt Joan (dad's sister) will all be going together. But Jilly, I had planed on taking a trip to England. I had been thinking about later in the coming year. It would be wonderful. And I just would love to do it. And now, I'll have my passport all ready! So, fingers crossed.

I've never been on a cruise and this will be a five day cruise to Mexico. I'm very excited about it and do so hope I'm not prone to seasickness. I've been on boats before but not for extended periods of time at sea. I have had problems with vertigo in the recent past so not sure how this will play out.

Nano finished on the 30th as you all know and I check out my word count. As I mentioned early on you must write 1667 words a day to be able to finish NaNo and I was all right at first but got dismally behind. By the 15th of the month I was supposed to be at 25000 but was not even close. By the 20th, I was around 10,000 behind without much hope to catch up. Well, here are the number of word I did each day for 30 days. You will see that there are several days of zeros where I was not able to do any writing. Most days, I never made the required total. But notice the last five days.

2595
1217
727
1089
1373
1473
1617
1048
424
0
1544
1016
1001
1757
1551
1825
993
0
1832
316
1638
3257
645
0
327
2779
0
5378
5795
7262

Those last three days, Saturday - Monday, are unbelievable even to me. And honestly, I do not know, even now, now I managed that. I do remember I was taking frequent breaks because I didn't feel well either. But that's how it broke down. Folks, that is NOT the way to do NaNo. Take my word for it.

So, that catches up some loose ends, I hope. I'll go for now. Have a good week.

I hate Mondays.

Unsunny Sunday

At first, the sun was shinning and now it isn't so I guess there is some cloud cover out there. I know it is cold! A whopping 24 degrees! Buurrrrrr! I get cold easily so it will be bad for me.

I will be leaving in a moment to pick up Mike for church. He's the only one who goes with me these days. I'm glad for that at least. I don't understand anyone not going. My faith says not to forsake the assembly (of those with like faith). And I so wish Sarah could go to Sunday school. She never gets to interact with children from good backgrounds. And she is not learning her heritage either. I can't do anything about it but it hurts a lot.

Sadly, I see the results of such upbringing in my job. Parents who said, "I don't understand what got into them." But there is no training, no teaching of Godly principles, nothing that would ground a child in holiness. There is a story in the Bible that tells of a whole generation that turned away from God and some bad things were happening. I don't have the scripture here but I think I did post it somewhere. I'll look. The Bible says that it was because they had never heard the teachings of their parents. They didn't know because their parents neglected to instruct them. They didn't take them to the sanctuary to be taught. They forgot to relate the miracles, the blessings, the salvation, the Law. The parents simply didn't get out of bed. A whole generation lost. I have seen another.

I've been depressed for the last week, not horribly, but enough. And there is nothing I can do about that either.

So, I'm out of here to get Mike. I'll be back later or tomorrow or sometime.

The Smoking Pen 2009

Once again, I spent a lot of time in the forums during NaNo. For any of my friends and co-writers of the Pen who visit here is this year's edition. Last year's is also on one of the blogs around this same time of year in 2008.

What a blast it was to visit the Smoking Pen Bar and Grill 2009

Dancing Shoes

I slipped my feet into them when I rolled out of bed! It is FRIDAY! Hellooooooo! FRIDAY! In 8 hours I will be done with another week. Thank goodness.

I think I'm getting a cold. My boss was saying yesterday, "You're sick!" I told him I was NOT sick and if he didn't want me missing any work he better not put that on me. But I do think I have a mild cold. I hope it stays mild.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, and dash over to her page for a wave, Nancy January. She just came over to Multiply. Nancy is a new friend that I met in the Smoking Pen Bar and Grill over in the NaNo forums. She is a smart and talented lady as you will see if you read her posts. That's the only kind I have on my blog, by the way.

I went through my contacts this morning and last night. I do not like dropping people but I cleared out people who seem to have disappeared. If I haven't heard from them in a year, I probably won't keep them unless I know something is going on that has kept them away. {sigh} As a result, I find that my contact list doesn't grow past 40. However, that's a manageable number. I can read all the fun and still have time to take care of mine. And they are people who are serious about blogging, and keeping friends they make in the process.

I like that Panorama feature Multiply has come up with because I can read the blogs much faster and comment on the inbox page. The there is one major drawback. I can't see what the pages look like or when you make changes to your pages and that is part of the fun. . . to me. And I spend a lot of time on mine so I would hope people visit it too! I still visit just everyone's just to see how your pages look. {smile} And I announce when I have been making changes to mine. Mine is real purty right now... LOL!

Well, work is calling and despite the 24 degree temp, I have to drag myself out into it. The drive is only about 20 minutes counting stopping for juice and a breakfast burrito. I will be back tonight I'm sure.

Post NaNo TGIO Party

Well, it was sort of a party. There were five of us there. LOL, told you it would be different. Kat was sick, two others had things come up, one had too far to drive, one we have no idea what happened to her. And it was a week night. That makes it a bit harder. And COLD!

Still, the five of us just sat around and laughed and talked and got to know a bit about each other. The two youngest were Alex and Cassie - 18 or 19 and both college students, Snowgoon (Doug) and Tricksie (Sarah our ML) and I were the older ones in the group. NanNo'ers come in all ages. It was nice and I think we all had a good time just talking, telling amusing things about ourselves. Although, Doug was rather quiet on that point, now that I think about it. Now, I'm just tired and glad it is all over. . . until next year.

Writer's meeting is next week. I really enjoy those meetings. I think we all do. I don't know if they do as much as I do. LOL. These are just very special people and they all make me laugh and forget how lonely life is now. I mentioned to Sarah (Tricksie) tonight before everyone arrived that Kathy had said she thought our writer's group had been brought together by divine intervention. Sarah said that she also felt it was really strange the way we all sort of found each other and that we all really liked each other and seemed to be meeting a need in each other's life.

What is odd is that I haven't really come out and told any of them that I was actually praying for God to please send just such people into my life. You may laugh here but I actually was praying this. I was really losing the battle to hold it together when these four people showed up. . . on my doorstep, so to speak. And they ALL showed up at the same time! Even Doug, whom I'd not even talked to for a year except in an occasional "hi-how-are-you" email.

But this little band of strangers have become very special people to me. Each one is unique and yet the group seems to mesh. Sarah, with her bubbly, laughing personality, inquisitive mind and compassionate heart. Kathy, soft-spoken, open, friendly and so caring. Doug, "our guy", possessed with a great sense of humor that keeps us laughing at every event and in his emails and chats. At first he was quiet but once he gained his confidence in his ability to write, he has opened up and become someone with important things to say. He even settles us down now and then. And finally, Katie, filled with exuberance, excitement about everything, her emails are filled with lots of exclamations points, just like her personality. They've saved my life, my sanity. I don't now if any of them will read this. I'm not arrogant enough to think my blog is everyone's reading of choice, but if they do, I can't thank them enough for extending their friendship and sharing a part of their lives with me.

Now, I am going to bed. I've had a rather frantic week and I'm not done yet. I sort of got my feelings hurt at work, not intentionally but the usual kind of thing people say to people like me without thinking. It just overwhelmed me on my way home and I sort of fell apart when I got home. I kept trying to blow it off, even posted that earlier blog, and kept pointing out to myself that I should just ignore it but still I was hurt but the crassness of it. I finally just decided to go the Panera and leave it for a bit. Of course Sarah met me with that hug of hers and I almost lost it again. LOL, that helped. But um.... I can't actually think about it now either!

Good night all.

Dasher

Home from work by 5:15! Showered, washed hair, leaving it down, dressed, and ready to go to TGIO party by 6:00 p.m.. Starts at 7:00 p.m. I'm not one to linger over my face and other things. If I can't be dressed in 30 minutes, I don't really want to bother. Hair is the only real issue I have and most of the time I have that down to less than half an hour. Sometimes it takes a while. I get up at 7 a.m. and am at my desk by 8 a.m. if that tells you how serious it is for me. There are those who think I overdress. LOL.

This is not a party in the usual sense, folks. So, don't expect much. I expect to be home by 9.

I'm tired from work and it doesn't feel as if the week is half over. But it is and I'm so glad. It is still raining and colder. My Google gadget says 43 degrees F. So, I can't decide what jacket to wear and should I carry a sweater? Will the restaurant be cool or cold or warm or hot?

Well, off now to take care of the pearly whites. Back later with details.

Post NaNO Slow Down?

I haven't noticed it. I got off last night, came home, changed and went to the Y. Worked with my friend Carolyn about an hour. I think that's all I'm good for. I don't know about her but we left at the same time. LOL.

Tonight it is TGIO party at Panera. I'm kind of glad about that. I like all my writerly friends and it will be nice to listen to all the garbage that we all talk.

Thursday should be quieter....

Friday, I'm thinking that if Becca and Sarah and Dave want to come over and watch movies, we could do that. We didn't get to last week. Too much stuff. But this week looks better.

Saturday, I want to clean up, put my tree up, and go shopping for Christmas presents. Oh, I wish I had unlimited funds. I'd love to buy some nice things for a couple of people. But I have to be a careful.

Still have to get the passport. THIS WEEK!

MIke missed his doctor appt yesterday. He has a dental appt today. Will he keep it? Sheesh.... who knows.

I have to go to work now. Byeeeeeee!

{turns of computer, brushes teeth, grabs handbag, and coat. Slamming of the door can be heard in the distance.}

Holiday Cheer

I've changed things a bit as you can see. Weather outside is frightful....

I'm annoyed by a problem. My navigation bar looks just fine in Firefox... the whole page does. But in IE7 the nav bar is right in the middle of my picture. Anyone else see that? Please let me know. Means I have to work on coding to figure it out. They keep making changes that mess up the CSS or they change the CSS and you have to start over. That is VERY time consuming.

More later, after my TGIO party tomorrow.

Winner's Circle

Done! And am I thrilled! I don't think I want to ever see this novel again.


What madness it is to attempt this. I did the last 20,000 words in five days!

THIO party Wednesday night!

Ten Feet of Space

My holiday is over. I can't say I am sorry. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I've sat in my pj's all day, pain virtually everywhere, with every move. I try and think of a time when I didn't hurt. And I can't remember it. Years I think. And it gets worse.

I have been writing as hard as I could because frankly, I would really not like another loss at this point. It may seem a small thing but it matters. I have a wonderful group of writer friends who have encouraged and propped me up for weeks now. I have until midnight tomorrow. I'm tired, though and I don't know if I'll get there. They all agree I've accomplished much and should be proud of myself for getting so far under the circumstances. They're such nice people. One of the girls said in an email to me that she thought it was divine intervention that had brought the five of us together. Since I believe in such things, I suspect she is right.

As I write this post, I am sitting listening to Hillsong in the dark. I had hoped it would life my spirits. It didn't. I'm depressed because today, I realized that I don't love my life much. Despite it being Thanksgiving holiday, I'm not very thankful. At least, I don't think so. I've noticed that the rain finally began a short time ago. I should be thankful since it means the pain may lessen. I guess I'm grateful for being alive but how selfish is that? I'm grateful I am able to meet my financial obligations. But thankful? I'm not certain anymore what that entails. I've tried not to think about this aspect of my circumstances. I suspect what I feel is quite common. I've tried very hard for months to come to terms with it. I found that it doesn't help. It is very difficult to say "thank you" for a black hole that was created in my life. Everything is sucked into it and not even light can escape. I don't know how to say thanks to that.

Today, I sat down, overwhelmed by some ache when I tried to get out of my chair and the words tumbled out without my even realizing I was thinking it. "I hate my life." It was mostly whispered and as soon as I said it a light went off in my head and I recognized it as the truth. I try to never lie to anyone.... even myself. So, I don't love my life or anything much about it. I looked around because I did not want Mike to hear me say it. He worries so much anyway. And after he left for church, I managed to write some more and push it all away. But eventually, cracks opened up and I lost my hold on it all.

I've fallen apart at such stupid things and tonight, it was just about pain and how there was no comfort, no relief, and no one to just hold my hand. I never realized how important that is. And I never really knew how much Jerry did that. I remember him asking me to ask the doctor for something to stop it. And I got mad with him. Because I couldn't take a pill strong enough to relieve the pain that would allow me to remain conscious to live my life. I couldn't understand why he couldn't understand that. I didn't realize how much pain he was in as well. Still he sat close by, silent, while I struggled to deal with it.

Tonight I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.

I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Whooo Hooooo!

Getting off at 3 pm today. The weekend starts now!

Writing hard for the next four days, I hope. Hands, arms, shoulders and neck are really giving me a hard time so we will see.

But I have some good ideas, thanks to Snowgoon (that's my pal, Doug, from NaNo and my writing group). I'm putting a character called Goon in my story. He gave me several insights to Goon last night on G-mail chat when he helped me brainstorm. I think my next story will be The Guy Who Said He Couldn't Write, in honor of Snowgoon. LOL. Actually, I've read what he is working on it is extremely good.

Catch you all later, I am sure. For those celebrating, Have a Happy Thanksgiving holiday. I will be having dinner with my family tomorrow evening.

Touching Base and Counting Word

I am stopping in to just catch up a bit. I am using the Panorama mode in my inbox again. It makes it very easy to read the blogs! I like going to them to see what decorations people have up but sometimes, I need to read them in a hurry and this is a good way to do it. I don't like getting a ton of digest in my email so I don't use that.

I've reached a point in my NaNo that I am probably not going to reach the target goal. I'm just below 29,000 and by Friday I should be at 45,000 if I intend to even have a hope of reaching the final word count. I'm not expecting it.

I have no plans for Thanksgiving except taking my kids out to eat at Golden Corral. We talked about Wednesday night going because my sister has to work on Thursday but I just heard she doesn't want to do that. So, not sure yet what the plan is. I'm not in a celebratory mood and really won't care if I can just have the whole day to write. I might be able to hit that target if I can do that.

I suppose I should put my tree up this weekend as I usually do but even that seems too much effort for me. The whole house needs a thorough cleaning and I need to get rid of a bunch of things. I find myself needing less and less. Or wanting less.

I'm going to get back to work. There is lots of paperwork here and it needs my attention. We got our new hire in and she's been doing some of my work until her case load is handed to her. It has been a great help to me.

I may get back in later but when I get home I am going to hit the writing hard again tonight. So, not sure what my plans will be.

Three Days in the Tomb

Yes, that's pretty much how it feels this morning. The good thing is that there is a four day weekend at the end of it.

I had a monster migraine yesterday and the pain in my neck and shoulder became unbearable. I went to church in the morning but went to bed afterward. I've had three "Imitrex" required migraines since November 2007. That is an improvement but I suspect that some days I should have taken a pill and didn't. I used to take at least nine of them in less than three months. I truly believe if I could get rid of this shoulder and arm pain, I'd feel a lot better. My shoulder and arm feels like this constant, day in and day out cramping bruise. It can trigger a headache at any moment. This morning I know that a migraine is just below the surface. I just get this feeling in my head and I know. I always feel pretty bad after a bad pain day. I know it is just the lack of rest that triggers a depressive state and I'll get through it but the ride is not fun.

I joined the Y on Saturday as I believe I already said but when I got done I was so exhausted I could hardly move. I will have to go back but it won't be tonight I suspect. I need to call and ask about getting help to use the weights so I can see if they will help with the muscle weakness.

I am only 10,000 words behind on my word count. Don't see how I can catch up unless something dramatic happens to fire off the befuddled synapses. I've just sort of given up on it but I keep writing, even a few hundred words, as I did last night.

I have to go now and finish getting ready for work. I have a ton of stuff waiting to be done and a short time to do it. I would like to go in today and have the energy just to get it done. It isn't impossible, just overwhelming. So, say prayers for me, cross fingers and toes, wish me luck, say more prayers. Whatever blessing for productivity you can throw at me, please do.

Sighs and Bad Poems

Friday arrived, all gloomy and sad,
As usual I woke, shoulder hurting bad.
I dressed for my job, had coffee, too
But after I was done, I was still feeling blue.

My feet in my shoes, my hair in a bun
I knew that the day was off at a run.
I stopped to read blogs and mail;
I grabbed my purse, and for work set sail.

Long day ahead and five can't come too soon
Lunch is ahead, but not until noon
Tonight I made plans for Little Caesar and Depp
After company shows up on my step,

So think of me as you go thru your day
I'm chained to my desk in the usual way
Wishing I was home with pizza pies
With my fuzzy slippers on, watching Depp with sighs.

Come Along, Friday

Today was Thursday. We sat through software training all day. Lunch was brought in and we didn't leave for anything.

I have to write 7000 words tonight to even get close to the goal. I don't actually care if I reach 50,000 words anymore. I'll be happy to survive until the 30th.

I'm too tired to think about being depressed, sad, or anything else. I have been but it is just too much effort to really deal with at the moment.

Writer's meeting was nice. This is a really nice group of people. I like them all. This week was Sarah's and my week to be reviewed. We liked Sarah's story. They liked my story. We were all nearly brain dead so they may not have really liked it but thought they did.

Did I say I am tired?

Oh, yeah, I did.

Come along, Friday. Don't dawdle.

That's All I Have To Say About That

Not a good moment, not a good day, not a good week, not a good month, not a good year.

Hurt my arm last night tossing a shoe. Yes, just tossing it. Felt as if it was ripped out of my shoulder.

I overslept this morning and was nearly an hour late for work. Fires were burning when I arrived. I want to go back to bed.

I broke the 20,000 word count last night. I'm 6000 behind. I don't know if I want to write anymore.

Positives? My writing buddies are some of the brightest spots on my day at the moment, particularly my writing group. They are just so great.

I've bumped into some old friends on FB. Three in the last month. One of them, last night, a girl I was friends with about 12 years ago. I was glad to hear from her and we are going to get together for lunch as soon as I can get free of this conflagration.

That's all I have to say about that.

Being There

I wanted to share a letter I received from a older lady who has been a dear friend to me for about 11 years. I have not shared her name to protect her privacy and I hope she doesn't mind. Her husband used to play the guitar and write poetry for the church newsletter I put together. He died probably more than 6 years ago and she is not able to get to our church much anymore (she lives about 50 miles away). I should have been a better friend but she lives in another city and I never see her very much. Still, I could have called once in awhile and I hope she will forgive me for that.

Like most people, I didn't realize then how devastating the loss of a spouse can be. Her husband has been dead far longer than the 10 months since mine died. She mentions my pastor, who also lost his wife not long after my friend lost her husband.

I share her words here because people often think things like "she should be past all this now" or "surely he's better now". They don't say it to your face. They just don't understand why you should still be harping on it. Why do you get all emotional after all this time? Why can't you get over the depression? This post is for you folks.

You told me you did not recommend that I read the things you write. At least you can write which you say helps you. I cannot do that but it helps knowing that how I feel is normal because others feel the same way I do. Bro Clement told me that he would not say that it would happen to me but he said for him it hasn't gotten any better. I feel the same. In fact it gets worse. I miss G@#$%#$% and need him more now than ever. I know some people say, "Life goes on and we have to accept it and move on" I wish it were that easy.

When we need our children the most they seem to be farther away. I did not understand how my mother felt and my children do not understand how I feel; how much I need them. At least I don't have to work for which I am thankful but I have to keep busy.
Some of my children want me to sell my house and move to an apartment. I ask one of my daughters (one which wants me to move) if her husband died would she sell her home, her furniture, everything he has worked for and move. She said, "No". I told her I felt the same way.

G@#$%#$% worked hard to get things for me and I am not ready to give them up. I have a friend here in O$%@#%@%^ who has lost her husband and she says she feels like no one cares about her. Her daughter does not help her. Her sister hasn't spoken to her for years. We can always find someone who is worse off than we are. We can thank God for the years we got to spend with our husbands and all the ways He has blessed us. I told a preacher the other day that G@#$%#$% wrote poems, played music and was such a blessing to everyone and God took him and left me and I can't do anything. Maybe that is why He left me, waiting for me to do something.

I have been having pain in my chest and I know it is from stress and worry. I had prayer the other night in Madisonville at a church service and I feel much better. If our children cared a little more for us it would really help but we can't do anything about that. Someday they will understand.

I'm praying for you because I know how hard it is just to get up every morning. Before I open my eyes I feel the weight of depression. I guess that is what the Bible means when it says to bear one another's burdens. We have to pray for each other. Love you

Look around you. There are people in this place. You may think they are "better". You may think they are "over it." They may look and act just fine. They aren't. It is likely they never will be. It doesn't get "better" (how I hate that word) or bearable.

You need to look at the ten people closest to you. One or more of them is going to die, whether it be your spouse, your child, your parent, a sibling, or your significant other. One of you will be in this place that I sit, that my friend sits. You should pray now for someone to be available when that happens. You do not want to do this alone.

I have said this before and I say it now. Most of us waste more than an hour a week on stupid things. If there is someone you know who is going through this kind of loss, make a point of calling. Use some of that wasted time to go to lunch, dinner, a movie, a drive in the country. You can't imagine how much it means, how much light it brings into their sphere of existence.

I thanked a young woman in my writing group the other day for taking time to chat with me. She is very sweet. She laughed and said I was "so silly." But for that brief period of time, I wasn't focused on the darkness that hovers around the edges. She also called one evening to see how things were going with my writing. I couldn't believe how thoughtful that was! She's a mother of young children who is working on her second book. She gave me 15 minutes and I felt so much better to be in the land of the living for that 15 minutes!

This past week while I was off was a mix of busyness and depression. As long as I was doing something or talking with someone or going somewhere, I was fine. Thursday was a beautiful day, sunny and the leaves just glowed. I went to lunch alone. I rode around about half an hour trying to figure out where to go so I wouldn't have to go home for a while. I finally stopped at Captain D's. It was a place Jerry and I liked to go. Most places are places we went together. My whole afternoon was thinking that I'd have been able to have lunch with Jerry. We could have gone for a drive after lunch. Instead, I went home and cried.

No, it doesn't get better. You don't recover. You just learn to breath underwater and you survive but it feels like you're drowning.