Sunday Contemplations

 

Despite working on cleaning the patio yesterday, I could get up and go to church today. I'm glad I did. We had a great Sunday School lesson on angels that Bro Kuntzman taught. And then my pastor delivered an awesome message on Doubting Thomas. I'm sharing a link and encourage everyone to listen to it. My pastor is such a good minister. I love his messages because he actually studies the Word, and it shows. Speaking Peace to a Doubting Thomas Generation

I was looking back over my post yesterday and realized that some folks might take it the wrong way. I talked about not having anyone here to help me with the heavy lifting. That was what Jerry always did. We worked together on the things that needed doing around the house. Whether it was hanging drywall or cutting and cleaning the yard, he was my partner. Since he died, the work is a thousand times harder because I rarely have help and I have physical problems that severely inhibit my actions. 

I have a large, lovely family. Six to twelve hours away. It is impossible for them to be here. My aunt and uncle come every year to visit. I remember one year they came up and helped me clean the yard. We cleaned the flower beds and planted flowers. We set up a fountain. By the time we finished, my yard was beautiful. Unfortunately, they're not able to make that trip anymore. And certainly not do the amount of work we did that weekend. 

In 2010, one of my brothers came and worked on the house. However, he and his wife both work, and can't just drop everything to come 12 hours to help fix something. 

It would be lovely if Jerry were still here. He's not. And it bites. I take out the trash, rain or shine, pain or not. I clean out the car as needed. I cut and clean this enormous yard. I repair anything that gets damaged and if I can't, I have to find a way to either deal with it, or find the money to pay. Believe it or not, I can fix a leaky toilet and replace a faucet. Well, I could once. 

My hands interfere with repairs more than anything else. And it is getting worse. I stand in my yard right now and look at that broken tree top standing upside down, 20 feet in the air. There isn't a thing I can do. Nothing. If I could climb it, and I would. Ask my family. I'd put a rope around the top and pull the thing to the ground. Then, I'd rent a saw and cut it up. Really, I would. I love doing these things. But the reality is I can't climb that tree anymore. I can't use a saw because I can't manage it safely. So, the tree will stand until I can get it removed without bankrupting me. I turned the toilet that needs repair off and I am thankful I have a second one. The floor in the kitchen, well, it just lies there. I know how to get it up, put down a new one, and add floor covering. I've done it before. With Jerry. 

There are people who love me and care for me. But can't do help with these things either. I have my aunt and uncle who have rescued me so many times with help, like buying a refrigerator mine died or helping me get something else repaired. By helping me navigate a funeral, or taking care of me after surgery. By giving me advice and picking up the phone when I call, upset over the way life has treated me. And by praying for me. Yeah, that's the most important thing. I always need prayer the most.

So, when I complain or say these things, it isn't criticizing those who have helped in other ways. It is grieving my loss of independence, my home improvement partner, my confidant. I grieve the loss of the life I loved. 

As I always say, it is what it is. Once something is gone, you can't get it back. You do the best you can and move on. You don't have to like it; you just have to keep moving.

 

Betrayals, Explosions, and Storms...OH MY!

08/01/2022 Day of the Storm

Where do I begin? My arm giving me nerve trouble? My neck hurting? My fatigue causing me to sleep for hours? My ex-DIL up and moving without notice, taking my granddaughter, who was home for the summer and not paying me back for most of the financial help I gave her as she agreed? A raging storm that took out trees, power lines, and some roofs? Houses blowing up?

Yeah, wow!

I had the ulna nerve surgery and regained some of the strength in my hand and for a bit, I thought the nerve problem was getting better. However, the nerve issue worsened. I had an MRI and found I have a torn bicep in my left arm. Always the left! I also have an old rotator cuff injury that now has arthritis in it. Imagine that. My left arm is stinging all the time and I can't lift certain things. I see the surgeon on the 16th. We'll see what they say.

I also have to see an allergist in September. My doctor suggested it since she noticed I always have a runny nose. Well, this is true. And it is worse than ever. I live in a horrible region for allergies and had none before I came here. And before you say "cats", I grew up with anywhere from 10 to 20 dogs and half a dozen cats when we moved there. People dropped their unwanted pets in front of our house. My mama would never allow them to be put down or starve. The highway in front took care of most of them, so we never had a lot at once, just over years. One neighbor used to shoot some of them until Mama threatened him. We had chickens, pigs, and sometimes rabbits. So, I think I'd have noticed if I was allergic to an animal, especially since the cats and some dogs were inside/outside pets. We didn't have mice at least.

Half David's tree is resting on the ground against the remaining part of the tree. It has slipped a bit since the storm. I haven't been able to get it removed or get an estimate yet. Well, they are pretty busy with the storm damage, so I suspect it may be a minute. I've prayed and asked God to knock it down. Then I might get a chain saw and cut it up. Or maybe I can convince Mike to do it. If I can get him out of bed before noon. 

08/13/2022

I'm really so tired of this mess. More and more I'm unable to do things that need doing. I have no money left to pay for it. I really need to convince myself to sell up and just go to some tiny little obscure town where living is cheap and finish up my time there. No one will notice anyway.

There it is. The poor little me. Not really. I have virtually no family left here. My sister, whom I never see and can't get on the phone half the time. My son. See above. My other son who drifts around where the wind blows and comes twice a year. That's it. Other siblings may call but it's doubt they'll notice if I move.

But I really love my home. Lonely, yeah. But at least I've got a roof I can afford if it weren't for all the rest of it. Probably should just stop worrying about fixing anything and let it go. It won't matter when I'm dead and if they can't get anything out of the house, oh well, they should have invested some of that precious time in it. I could leave all proceeds from the sale to a charity. I have thought about it.

I'm too tired to care what happens.

Fire, Famine, and Furor

 We're six days into July and the world is crazier than ever. The west on fire and flooding, and cattle dying, the east has politicians, and over it all we have exploding gas prices, escalating food prices, galactic power bills, food processing plants being burned down, supply chain shortages, and mass murders coming out of the woodwork. Even I'm low on food since the freezer went out. It will take a while to restock and the utilities went up this month. 

That Joe Biden guy has had an amazing impact on the nation. 

Sarah came home for a visit the last week of May and we've so enjoyed her. She's laughing, dancing around, acting silly, and just being a pleasure to have with us. She's spent most of her time with her mom, but I'm happy to see her when they come over. There has been a little sibling rivalry, but Madi is thrilled to have her sister home. 

I've been sick with a cold. Two weeks ago I thought I had Covid again, but the test was negative. I dealt with it the same way I did Covid.  CVS Severe Cough & Congestion is amazing. There is no Tylenol in it so I wasn't taking pain meds, just the stuff that helps with the coughing and congestion. I'm still coughing here and there but the worst of it is gone. 

Then I got the news from an MRI I had to have done last Saturday. My rotator cuff is damaged and has arthritis in it but I've known this for about 25 years. When I was in college I fell in my house and hurt it. No insurance so no doctor, but I couldn't use the arm for a month. It bothers me more now because I have arthritis in it. However, I also have a torn bicep with a fluid-filled sac that needs attention soon. I'm hoping they can just stitch the muscle up, empty that sac, and get me well without tampering with the shoulder. We'll see.

I've been dealing with some awful depression and not sleeping well. The arm hurts terribly when I lie down and I can't get comfortable. In fact, it hurts worse when I'm resting than when I'm using it. Go figure. 

That's it for now. I need to get up and finish washing my laundry. I've been working on it all day. There will be a huge pile to put away tomorrow. I hope you've had a lovely holiday with family. Stay out of the heat.

It Fell

 

On Tuesday it fell. The axe mentioned in the previous post fell on Tuesday. The plug of my freezer, by some mysterious means, became free of it's electrical outlet and I lost an entire freezer of food. Ribs, pork chops, pork roast, chicken, 8 lbs of hamburger, several packages of fish, lots of frozen vegetables, some breakfast items, and frozen dinners. A full upright freezer of food gone. It was more than a month of meals. 

The bright side, if you can call it that, is that I could save the freezer. The weather has kept my garage a steady 100°. It probably took a couple of hours or less once the plug came free. The outlet is next to my garage door that leads into the house. It is possible we bumped the plug when some of us came in and pulled it free. We do not know how or when. I suspect it was without a couple of hours of my finding it since the garage was so heated. Whatever, we just know we lost $300-400 worth of food. 

In the mass confusion, I lost my key fob to the car. I panicked because that would be another $300-400. That sent me over the edge. I was afraid I had put it in the bags of food to throw away. So, had to unload all that bleeding meat and vegetables and check two bags. Couldn't find it. That meant at some point I had laid it down. I checked the house, the car, the garage, and no key.  The bags were to be moved but were heavy, and I could only manage a few inches. I looked down and on the floor lay my key fob. Why did I drop it? When did I drop it? I have no memory of the events at all.

I called Mike, and he agreed to come help me load the bags into the trunk of my car to take and dump it. 

Eventually, I calmed down, at least to a simmer. There is nothing I could do. I can't explain the how. I wish I knew the why. It's become exhausting to have a disaster of some sort happen every month. Every stinking month. For over a year now, I've had this kind of thing going on. I'm feeling as if Job may have been my father. 

My take away is that premonitions are real. And they are totally useless to prepare you. Their only value is to further stress you out once you know they're real. Here's the deal. I don't want to know the future, particularly if I can't affect a change on the negative aspects of it. It isn't a gift to know things. It is a curse.

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall.