Wednesday Writers' Asylum

Did I tell you guys that my writing group now has a name? Writers' Asylum. Courtesy of Snowgoon. He named us and we all agree it is perfect. We decided tonight we need shirts.. maybe hoodies. LOL. And I told him he needs to come up with a logo for us.

We had a nice time and reviewed Kathy's story about her reluctant psychic hot-line detective. It is a funny story and we all see lots of potential in it.

Cassie, our new inmate, came and she said she was so excited to be here and you could see that she was. It is always uncomfortable being in a group setting for the first time with virtual strangers. She was very quiet but seemed to enjoy it. She's younger than all of us but in our previous meetings with her we were impressed by her goals and her drive. We're looking forward to working with her, reading her writing, and just getting to know her.

After we finished Kathy's critique we all just did the usual chatter about whatever comes out of our mouth. It is a nice feeling sitting with this group and no one wants to move to end it. We're all, probably for the first time in days, relaxed and there are no demands on us, no pressures from the outside. Just the companionship of friends. It is hard for all of us to get up and say good night. I see it each time with the lingering good-bys, the hugs, and stopping to say one more thing. I'm glad they feel comfortable in my home. I know when they go, there is light here and warmth.

Slide into Night

The day is on the downhill side and the icy slope as it heads into night is a problem to navigate. I was fine but my mood seems to be darkening and I don't really know why. I noticed around 2:30 that I wasn't feeling myself. Just a general slump. And now it is 3:30 and I'm feeling the weight that will only get heavier. I am hoping that the meeting tonight will lighten my mood.

It would not be so difficult if you could erase images, forget events, sounds, smells. But you can't and they jump out at you at inconvenient times. I can't leave my job and go home to compose myself. So, I simply watch the day darken and wait until I get home to see if I can find some light.

Another Cloudy Day

You heard it here first.

I am about to leave for work. Tonight is my writer's meeting and I'm so excited! I l always love it when these people appear at my door. They are just fun to be with and it is always an evening we get to talk about what we all love the most. New girl should be here tonight to try us out.

Tuesday Masquerade

I hate Tuesdays that masquerade as a Monday. They just don't feel right. Usually by Tuesday you've gotten past the worse of the calls, the heaviest load of paper, the most annoying client. But a Tuesday that masquerades as a Monday is filled not only with Monday's stuff but the stuff that usually comes on Tuesday as well. It is just frustrating.

I'm at the 3:30 mark and feel antsy. I want to go home and write. I have several things I need to get done tonight. I can tell that the depression is better. The pain isn't better... just the black cloud that envelopes me when it is at its worst.

I'll tell you something else. I'm bugged that my fingers have gotten so skinny that my rings won't stay on right! What is that about??? And why is this miracle weigh loss not consistent? Why not my hips? Why fingers and faces? Why not my boobs? I've commented this on in a video blog yesterday that has not been posted yet but will be tonight. I've lost hair. I've lost a ring size. I've lost my cheekbones. I've lost leg fat. I've even lost some in my waist and stomach (not enough). WHY NOT THE TWO MOST ANNOYING PLACES A WOMAN CAN BE OVERWEIGHT - boobs and saddlebags?

And what is with that skin? Someone stole mine and left theirs and they are wayyyyyy bigger than me. Well, not way... but some.

Ok, now that I've aired my most humiliating issues, I'm going back to work and put in the final hour and a half. I'm going to comtemplate a face lift, a boob reduction, a tummy tuck. . . . wonder if there is just a newer model I can buy?

Houston! We Have SUN!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is real sun out there! And a ton of snow! Blindingly beautiful so get on your shades, break out the sun block, only if you aren't D deficient!

I'm headed for the shower. Been up since before around 7:30. Go figure. I give up. Already had three conversations before 9. Wow! Last night after 10:30 I had four in about 30 minutes. Life as a popular girl has it's drawbacks.

I'm off to read my next writing critique for the Wednesday night meeting. And work in some personal writing. I need to do some other things too. Deltoid on the left arm is hurting terribly and for some reason, a spot the shoulder on the OPPOSITE side is hurting! WHAT! {sigh} Whatever.

Up and At 'Em

I'm finally awake enough to think about doing something. Oh, I've been up, and awake. But I've done nothing. Sat here cruising around and put up an old theme that I really like. I want to walk in this wood and capture some of those fireflies. Or is it fairies? I will sit them on my nightstand and fall asleep watching them glow. Tomorrow, I'll let them go again.

No plans at the moment. Got to get a shower and get dressed. I had one last night but I feel the need this morning. I'm going to see about food soon. I forgot to eat last night and grabbed a granola bar around ten o'clock. My stomach says that was not nice but I'll grab something substantial soon.

Maybe back later. Not much I want to do today since the sun is, once again, on vacation. He's gone south to melt their snow.

I know.... I need to write!

What's Up?

Me.

I woke at 6:40. I know, nuts. My shoulder was hurting and it woke me. I simply can't lie on my left side. This is the biggest problem I have sleeping. It hurts my shoulder and neck to sleep in my left. I can't lie on my right for long either. For some reason, I can't sleep with my back to the door. I know, I know, I know. Crazy. For all the years of my married life, I've slept facing the door. The few times I didn't I was still lying on my left side. Always.

I've tried to sleep on the other side. I used to here because I had my nightstand on that side of the bed. But again, Jerry was between me and the door.

In addition, my blanket went off again. Yes, I was in bed by six again. Not sleeping but watching stuff, cruising the net, worked a bit on my post that was due days ago when the depression knocked me on my can.

I considered going to the Y this morning. Decided it was a disturbance in the force and promptly put it out of my mind. But I may still do it. What else do people do this early?

I'm off for now. No one is here anyway. Maybe I'll be back later.

Amazing Things

Isn't is amazing:

How the word Friday just seems to brighten everyone's day?

That a coworker can look at a problem you've been battling a week and say, "why didn't you come ask me?" and the problem is solved?

That you feel as if a weight has been lifted when a problem is resolved?

That three amazing things before lunch are amazing?

Do You Know What Day It Is?

I'm just about to head out for work and decided I better do an update. Went to bed at 6:30 last night. Yes, I did. Took the laptop, put it on my bed table and watched Human Target. Then, I think I watched something else. But I don't remember what. LOL. I kept sort of dozing, not really sleeping. More of a daze. I just lay there under my blanket thinking very little. I tried to write a bit but when your brain is that fuzzy... all you get is lint.

I am praying that several problems are resolved today. They have not responded back to me on this since I asked last week. Two landlords are not going to get paid is all I can say.

I was supposed to go to Dave and Becca's for supper last night but Becca IM'd me to say Sarah had been up coughing all night and wasn't really feeling well and could we do it tonight. I don't have a confirmation on that. My plans are now to come home and repeat last night. I really, really need to just stop thinking for a while and do nothing but sleep.

I got up last night just before I turned out the light at 10 to check the thermostat. It read 16 degrees! I was shocked since the house was quite warm. When I tried to adjust it it wouldn't go up beyond 30. I decided the batteries had probably not been changed since before Jerry died. The are supposed to be changed every year. We usually did it when we changed the smoke alarm battery. Hmmm, that may need it too, come to think about it.

Ok. Got to run. I'm up to two SJW a day at the moment. One in the a.m and one in the p.m. I'm not happy about it but I don't think I'm in a very good place. Hair . . . I can buy a wig... or two.

Briefs

I'm home.

I'm tired. The conversion chaos is ongoing.

I'm getting a shower and taking the laptop to bed to write.

I WILL have lights out by 10.

Oh, writer's meeting last night was nice. Three of my group met with two of the Nano'ers. Had a good time talking shop.

Half Over!

Oh joy, joy, joy! This week is half done! I am so glad.

That's pretty sad when you think about it. I sat up too late last night. Got to writing and forgot the time. I MUST start going to bed somewhere between 10 and 10:30. That's seems to be my limit to get enough sleep and get up in the morning less tired.

Tonight is the writer's meeting at Panera Bread. Not sure how many will be there since the weather has been just horribly cold and nasty. I am betting that the semi slushy show from lunch yesterday is not rock solid ice. So, the drive to work should be interesting for my little Focus. I slid nearly off the road yesterday morning twice. That usually doesn't scare me much because I'm usually very careful and if I slid it is not usually too bad but I nearly turned in the road and there were cars to left of me, cars to the right of me... here I was, stuck in the middle... An old song.

I'm on my way out the door. I have virtually nothing to say at this point. I feel tired. I don't feel horrible. That SJW pill seems to be helping a bit... maybe. LOL, how can I know!

Hope you have a warm day filled with blue skies and sunshine. If you live anywhere in Southern Indiana, that probably won't happen.

Long Winter's . . . Yeah, Right

No nap today. I have to go to work and there is about five inches of snow on the ground. And it is still falling so it won't get better. No plows will be this way so I have to put the shovel in the trunk in case I get stuck somewhere between here and the snow routes. I do not relish the drive. I had a hill in two directions after I get out of my yard.

I'm leaving early so I will have plenty of time.

I went to bed before eleven. . . I think. I called and had Dave and Becca come over with the baby and we had pizza and just visited and watched her be her adorable self. When they left I got online and Kat came on. We chatted for an hour or so. So I had another friend with me in the evening. I do not know what I'd have done without them yesterday. I was exhausted. I can't believe how much I slept yesterday. I have on a pink sweater and that is the only pink I'm in at the moment but I'm not as shrouded in black.

Must go now and get my things together. They are providing breakfast at work today with a meeting. That is just so we don't feel so annoyed by the meeting. It is mandatory. I don't mind breakfast meetings but I had the lunch one. My lunch hour is mine and when they make us come to those I feel they should pay me for being there. The lunch isn't usually very good and I don't really eat a large lunch often. Anyway, enough whining. Hope you all have a good day.

Long Day Nearly Over

I don't remember any day being this long for a while. I've slept all afternoon. That is so terribly lazy. Tonight I probably will take something to help me sleep if I can't fall asleep. But since I feel so very tired, I don't know that it will be a problem at this point.

If you saw this morning's post you know the day started in a bad way. It didn't get any better but my dear friend, Sarah, from my writing group saw my post and offered to come over and stay with me for several hours. She is just such a wonderful person. To understand this you have to realize that the time she gave me would mean that she would not get to do her three hour writing session. She takes her little boy to daycare so she can have that time allotted for her to write five days a week. He is four and as you most of you know young children are very demanding. Babysitting me meant she wouldn't get that precious time. Still, she came, smiling, and she stayed until she had to leave to get her son. I do not think the morning would have been very good had Sarah not been here. We just talked, mostly about my problems. But just having her here and not having to sit in this house in this silence was such a blessing.

She's just been such a great friend and I just love her. What a gift God gave me when he gave me this writing group. These five people have become such wonderful friends. I tell them all the time how much they mean to me but it seems a small thing just saying it.

After she left, I covered up and lay on the couch watching stuff on the internet for about two hours and then, closed it up and went to sleep. I just woke up. I think I'm starving. I still feel as if I could sleep forever. I know that is just the depression. I'll be ok once I get it under control. I just took St. John's Wort. I've decided that today, hair is of minor importance. I can't live in this darkness forever.

I've called and asked Dave and Becca to come over with the baby for a bit. I am supposed to go to the Y but I'm in such a mess. I don't want to go where there is a bunch of strangers and try to be nice. I have to go to work tomorrow and I'm hoping I will be fine by then.

I'm going for now. I need to get my shower early. I got dressed for work this morning and I've worn those clothes all day. Changing seemed such a chore. I really kept thinking that I'd get all right and could go to work. That passed every time I thought about it. It was terrifying. That's crazy but nears as I can tell you.

Black Monday

All right. It is probably official. I'm severely depressed. The whole weekend was pretty much a wash. I am sorry if you came hoping for cheerful thoughts, good news, or funny stories. I don't have them. I have reached a place where I realize I'm out of answers, out of energy, out of solutions, out of hope.

I don't know why... could it be my life? In general it's in the well. I feel sick this morning. My neck and shoulder hurt and that makes my head hurt. I feel a bit sick on my stomach. And pretty much everything that happened over the weekend served only to drive me into the ground. Hence, the well.

Sometimes there are people you wish you had never set eyes on, never heard of. They are a constant source of pain in every situation. There are also well meaning people who say things that just say the wrong thing with the best of intentions. Both of these just obliterate whatever mantle of control you've maintained. I can deal with the well meaning. It is the fools I don't tolerate so well, less so now.

I've done a bit of writing but not as much as I should. Amazingly enough it has been the only thing that made me forget everything else. I try to pray at times. You'll think I'm even crazier but prayer is dangerous for me at the moment. I can't control the darker emotion enough to even try that. And I dare not go beyond a certain point. All I can really do is say please God, help me.

I was going to work but I called and ask for a personal day. I get three a year. I'm not in a fit state at the moment to deal with that stress. I'm going back and lie down. At least I'm fully dresses... all in black. I guess today it matches my mental state.

Another Snow Day

Snow fell last night. Everything is dusted in white. It is 30 right now and it dropped one degree since I started this!

I finally got to sleep in! Got up at 9:30 and only had a mild shoulder pain, probably because I in an awkward position at some point. I went to bed about nine and watched television shows.I didn't even get online for a couple of nights except to check email and post a blog. I tuned off the computer around midnight.

Then, after lights were out the darkness descended like lead. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Will it every get better or ever stop doing that? When it happens, I can't breath. I can't stop crying. I can't walk. I got up twice because I couldn't lie there. Stuff of nightmares and you're awake. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, probably near two a.m.

Good news is only knee pain at the moment. My blankets were hurting my knees last night. They aren't heavy either. Although I like lots of cover I don't sleep under as much since I got the electric blanket. I have a sheet, the electric blanket, a woven spread with my new spread on top of it. Gives me enough weight to feel cozy and I can set the blanket on a very low setting. Just last night my knees really didn't like it. Sometimes my feet don't either and I have to put a large pillow under the covers near my feet to support the blankets. I know. sounds weird.

I need to get moving now.I need to clean up a few things. The house isn't really messy. Just me around so not much gets out of place. But I think I need to clean off my dresser and change the sheets on my bed.

So, away I go. Hope you all stay warm.

A Week without Pain

I just realized that I've had virtually a whole week with minimal pain. Maybe that is why I've feeling better. My neck, shoulder and upper arm have given me the most problems. I had a couple of days I didn't feel well... runny nose, headache or just felt really tired. But all the other... virtually none.

Wonder how long that will last? The weather is wet and it is still raining. They say snow tonight but I am hoping not. The fact that two low pressure cells have blown thorough and I have little pain sort of blows a hole in my theory of low pressure contributing to the pain. Seriously, go back and browse the blogs. You'll see, despite the stress of the last three weeks that my complaints of pain seem to have bottomed out. I do think I had a back problem about two weeks ago but I really think that is because I was sitting too much at work. But if you ask me what is hurting right now.... the trapezoid muscle and neck to my jaw and cheek bone... all related. That's it.

I'm going to go get a hot shower. Then food. Then, I have about three shows I want to watch. I promised Kat I'd get online tonight around 8. Hope to do that too. I shall do it all enthroned on my bed.

Feeling the Rush!

Did you feel it? That gale force wind that just went through. Yes, that one! What a busy day! I'm nearly done. It is after four and I'm coming up on five with absolute joy.

I'm going home and clean up the dishes but first I have to stop off at the store and pick up some stuff for the writers' meeting. I was going to meet Doug for a sandwich before the meeting but too much to do! He invited the whole group but I think we all are rushing around to get things together and get to the meeting. His wife calls us Doug's Writer's Harem. LOL! She was a real sport about it. Not many women would be so gracious. Takes class to be that way, and in infinite trust. Lucky Doug. Lucky Sharon that she can trust him so much.

I'm feeling better this afternoon, although tired. But I always feel better when the group comes over. I'm lucky to have such a great group of friends. And for the next three weeks we have meetings! LOL, we may be sick of each other by then.... NOT!

Ok, got to go and get the desk organized before I go home. I can't stand coming in to a messy desk. I think somewhere in the photos you will find a photo of my office and my tidy desk. I can't function in all this piles of paper, files and .... junk!

Sometimes, I feel almost normal. I wish it would last.

The Masses

They will start arriving at 8 a.m. this morning. The good thing is that cold, rain, and snow tends to thin the crowd. One can only hope.

I'm not feeling very good this morning. I have a mild headache and am tired. I must have slept like a rock because I don't remember anything after I turned out the light. I was in bed by midnight. Tonight is write's meeting and once that is over I'm going to try to go to bed even earlier. But guess what? I woke up at 6:30. Before the clock. So early to bed, early to rise. I'm not healthy, wealthy or wise. You think it is too soon?

I really just don't feel very good. Runny nose is still giving me fits and my eyes are burning a lot. Not sure what that is but I think it is allergy related. I think the filter may need changing on the central unit. But it could be the RA or fibro.

Ok, work is calling. Got to get going. May not be back until tomorrow.

End of the Work Day

It is winding down. I feel as if I've accomplished nothing. And yet, I've worked solid since I got here. I'm tired and ready to go home. I came in late because of the doctors' appointments. They are probably going to send me back to the orthopedic doctor about my shoulder. They think the pain I have in my arm now is related to the rotator cuff. {sigh} Am I really that old? EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART! Jerry used to say about some of our cars, "It is time to take the radiator cap off and drive a new car under it." I don't think that will happen here. Screw off my head and put a new body... I'm good with that but I'd like some work on the face.

Today I'm depressed. It is dark and gloomy and I'm not looking forward to going home alone. I'll spend my evening writing I think. Unless I spend it chatting or watching something on HULU. Read? I am not really able to do that now. I will be so glad when it gets warm and sunny. I saw pictures today of a sunlit wood and so wanted to take a walk. The nature preserve near my house is a lovely place to go but it would be a veritable bog and cold today.

I'm looking forward to my cruise, so much so I am wishing it was April.

Writer's Meeting is tomorrow night and I'll enjoy the company of my zany group. They are such fun to be around. What lifesavers they have been this last year. Without them and all of you I do not think I'd have survived this ordeal. Certainly not with any sanity intact.

Tuesday in Drab Rags

I do not believe it is another day swaddled in clouds. I'm heartily sick of them. Went back to work yesterday after my four day weekend. Not fun. I was dreading it and I found it just as tedious as I expected. Amazing how that happens.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning at the Rheumatologist at 8:40, and then I have physical therapy at 9:45. I hope the fist gets me in and out in a hurry. Last time I had to sit there for over an hour. This morning, I can't do that. And won't. Waste of my time if they can't get it together. Since they moved her office it is just not efficient.

My aunt and uncle left going home as I went to work yesterday. I missed them before they were out of sight. It is very hard every time they leave, anyone leaves. I do not know that I will ever get rid of this sense of emptiness and aimlessness.

They kept me occupied. Sarah kept us all occupied for a couple of days. She had a tea party on Saturday night with Poppy. I checked email several times over the course of the weekend and I had so many phone calls and emails and people coming on to chat with me I did not have much time to really think. That was a good thing. It felt as if I has all these friends stopping by all weekend. Sunday was so cold and there was so much ice everywhere that we didn't leave the house until noon to find food.

Now I have this hollow place in my chest. I do not think I will ever be able to close it. I could put both fists in it. It never goes away, never shrinks, never fades. It just exist.

Someone asked me a few days ago how I feel now. Odd that structure. Right now I'm depressed and want to crawl back into bed. I'm that way most mornings. I can't. No choices. Compounds the depression. Survival instincts are very hard to snuff out. In this case it would be homelessness and that is probably worse in some ways that death. I can't make it if I don't go to work. I've been very stressed there and it isn't helping. If I'd had any sense I'd have arranged a vacation but they'd have canceled it because of this software thing.

I am a rudderless ship, a kite whose tail isn't long enough, a feather in the wind. My aunt said I'm not getting enough sleep. Going to bed is also something of a chore. I lie there and think unless I'm so exhausted I fall asleep immediately. I'm taking my meds and probably should be in bed by ten. But I'd only be up earlier. This morning, I woke around 6:30 despite having gone to bed at midnight. I'm still not rested even though I am certain I slept hard. I don't think I turned over. I was still on my right side when I woke up. Probably not a restful sleep.

I didn't go to the Y. I have a cold and my nose was running and I've been sneezing. I finally got it under control but I still didn't feel up to snuff. I got on about 8 and wrote with Kat for a few hours. That is always good to keep my mind occupied and this was a bit different. We are working on a joint post. Very hard actually. We've laughed over how hard. If you are writing in first person in separate posts, you both can't do that in a joint post. One of you has to write third person. Kat decided she'd have to do it since I'd already started the post. I told her next time she could do the lead on it and I'd do third. But amazing how difficult it was for me to write my part of the scene and leave her to fill in the blanks without really knowing where it was going. And difficult for her too! Blind leading the blind kind of thing. You'll have to read it once we get it up. LOL, but it is going to be another day at least. We got the rough draft down but we are both certain it needs a review after we've slept on it. So, tonight we go over it again.

I"m off now to go to the doctor's early. Sorry I've been away so long. Just too much going on and honestly, I've been battling the depression and didn't know what to say that would be worth anything. Thank you to all my friend and anyone who popped in that wasn't on my list of contacts. Your notes and comments have been a comfort.