You all know by now that words are my passion. I love playing in piles of them. Well, here is another example. Did I already post this?
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with
wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her
husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine
buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch
watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Mermaid or Whale?
Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said: "THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!"
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!"
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sun Down
I'm finishing up the day. I've been depressed all day. I woke with terrible pain in my neck and arm and a headache. I slept badly and woke several times in the night. I can't get comfortable at all. And when I get no sleep, I am more depressed.
I didn't go to church this morning but was going to tonight only, I'm still hurting. I still wish I'd bitten the bullet and gone. I'd have had less time to think. I won't be typing here much because the wrist is really painful and so is the neck. I don't know what I did to the the wrist except the dull hedge clippers might have something to do with it. I switched to pruning shears but I think the damage was done. Hands pained me a lot last night.
This happens every time I work in the yard and I can't help it. It has to be done. It is a very big yard and takes a lot of effort to keep up. With no help, I don't see how I'm going to manage.
Don't say get the sons to do it. That's a pain in itself. Neither of them wants to work, particularly for me. Don't ask. David would do it if I pay him every time. I refuse to do that. Mike will help for nothing but it is like pulling teeth. He just keeps putting me off. In the son department I screwed up royally. I like them but I don't think they like me. So I don't ask them. The fact that they were there yesterday. . David wanted money and Mike, well he had a good day I think and that's how he is on those days. He went on the roof and got the sensor from the dusk-dawn light that wasn't working. He replaced it with a new one. He does help me a lot more than David. And he doesn't ask for pay. Just lunch. LOL.
They will be offended by that. I'm sorry boys but it is true. Although, my daughter-in-law seems to love me more than my sons. She does more for me than the two of them.
Sunday appears to be a day I do very badly. It is the one day when everything comes together in a singularity and just blows up. I walked around the house a while ago. It is getting dark and I never turn on the lights here anymore. I use lamps in the room wherever I'm sitting and turn them off when I leave. Right now there are no lights on except the one over my desk. The whole house is dark.
It is like that every night. I walk around at night in the dark. I have always done it. Jerry used to ask me why I didn't turn on the lights and I told him I could see just fine and didn't need them.He always needed a light. He tried to do without a couple of times and broke a toe. I do turn them on now when I get up and I have night lights in the bath and kitchen. But that's just since he died. Odd, that cause I don't like nightlights.
Anyway, as I walked around I said, "And the earth was void and without form." That's a line from Genesis for those un-churched. And I looked at my walls and said, "But we have form, angles, corners, walls. But everything is void." Then I walked through the house and wondered what I'm supposed to do. It's dark and empty and just a hollow shell with no sounds, no lights, no life. And I find that I don't care. I have clothes piled on the sofa. I forgot to wash the laundry yesterday and did it today. I had to put away the towels from two weeks ago. They were still in a basket on the floor at the foot of my bed. I forgot them because I never go around that side anymore. No reason. The sheets from the basket went onto the couch with the other things.
I did hang up the outer clothes but everything else is on the sofa. I don't care. If I need them, I know where they are. I'm taking my meds and going to bed shortly. It is only 9:30 but I slept so badly last night and my pain is so high I need to sleep. But I thought, if I do that, I'll wake before dawn and have to sit around here. So, six of one, half dozen of another.
I am clearer headed than I've been in months but I don't like my thoughts much. And my pain levels seem to be escalating. I always have more pain in the fall than any other time. It is only a month or so away. As the days have been lovely and cool I don't know if that is a factor.
I kept thinking today. Life is really very short, you know. I can remember my wedding day so very clearly. As if it were yesterday. Then, I was bombarded with memories. So many of them, just flinging themselves at me, flies around a rotting corpse. I didn't know what to do and it was so very difficult to handle. I left the house and they followed me. LOL. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Jerry sitting across from me in a candlelit restaurant in Germany, smiling. Jerry standing by my bed in the hospital when I lost the first baby. Jerry sitting next to me in the car. Traveling at night on vacation with Jerry driving and me with my head on his thigh sleeping. That was before the days of mandatory seatbelts and reclining seats. LOL. Jerry sitting across from me on the patio. Jerry Jerry Jerry.
How do people live like this? I need the garbage taken out. I need the toilet fixed. The bathtub is leaking. I have to go under the house to see what the leak is doing and I'm terrified of small spaces and bugs. I need the stuff from a high shelf. The faucet it leaking. I need the light on the eve of the house replaced so it won't be so dark on that side. I need to talk to him. Tell him what was going on with me, to say I'm sorry, to find out what was happening to him. I want to understand why he didn't tell me. I want to know what he was thinking to do this to me. I want him to come home. Please.
It's too much.
God, what a blog. What a hideous, hellacious, nightmare of a blog. What a hell to live in. And it is all, all, all real. Guess what Hell does exist!
I didn't go to church this morning but was going to tonight only, I'm still hurting. I still wish I'd bitten the bullet and gone. I'd have had less time to think. I won't be typing here much because the wrist is really painful and so is the neck. I don't know what I did to the the wrist except the dull hedge clippers might have something to do with it. I switched to pruning shears but I think the damage was done. Hands pained me a lot last night.
This happens every time I work in the yard and I can't help it. It has to be done. It is a very big yard and takes a lot of effort to keep up. With no help, I don't see how I'm going to manage.
Don't say get the sons to do it. That's a pain in itself. Neither of them wants to work, particularly for me. Don't ask. David would do it if I pay him every time. I refuse to do that. Mike will help for nothing but it is like pulling teeth. He just keeps putting me off. In the son department I screwed up royally. I like them but I don't think they like me. So I don't ask them. The fact that they were there yesterday. . David wanted money and Mike, well he had a good day I think and that's how he is on those days. He went on the roof and got the sensor from the dusk-dawn light that wasn't working. He replaced it with a new one. He does help me a lot more than David. And he doesn't ask for pay. Just lunch. LOL.
They will be offended by that. I'm sorry boys but it is true. Although, my daughter-in-law seems to love me more than my sons. She does more for me than the two of them.
Sunday appears to be a day I do very badly. It is the one day when everything comes together in a singularity and just blows up. I walked around the house a while ago. It is getting dark and I never turn on the lights here anymore. I use lamps in the room wherever I'm sitting and turn them off when I leave. Right now there are no lights on except the one over my desk. The whole house is dark.
It is like that every night. I walk around at night in the dark. I have always done it. Jerry used to ask me why I didn't turn on the lights and I told him I could see just fine and didn't need them.He always needed a light. He tried to do without a couple of times and broke a toe. I do turn them on now when I get up and I have night lights in the bath and kitchen. But that's just since he died. Odd, that cause I don't like nightlights.
Anyway, as I walked around I said, "And the earth was void and without form." That's a line from Genesis for those un-churched. And I looked at my walls and said, "But we have form, angles, corners, walls. But everything is void." Then I walked through the house and wondered what I'm supposed to do. It's dark and empty and just a hollow shell with no sounds, no lights, no life. And I find that I don't care. I have clothes piled on the sofa. I forgot to wash the laundry yesterday and did it today. I had to put away the towels from two weeks ago. They were still in a basket on the floor at the foot of my bed. I forgot them because I never go around that side anymore. No reason. The sheets from the basket went onto the couch with the other things.
I did hang up the outer clothes but everything else is on the sofa. I don't care. If I need them, I know where they are. I'm taking my meds and going to bed shortly. It is only 9:30 but I slept so badly last night and my pain is so high I need to sleep. But I thought, if I do that, I'll wake before dawn and have to sit around here. So, six of one, half dozen of another.
I am clearer headed than I've been in months but I don't like my thoughts much. And my pain levels seem to be escalating. I always have more pain in the fall than any other time. It is only a month or so away. As the days have been lovely and cool I don't know if that is a factor.
I kept thinking today. Life is really very short, you know. I can remember my wedding day so very clearly. As if it were yesterday. Then, I was bombarded with memories. So many of them, just flinging themselves at me, flies around a rotting corpse. I didn't know what to do and it was so very difficult to handle. I left the house and they followed me. LOL. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Jerry sitting across from me in a candlelit restaurant in Germany, smiling. Jerry standing by my bed in the hospital when I lost the first baby. Jerry sitting next to me in the car. Traveling at night on vacation with Jerry driving and me with my head on his thigh sleeping. That was before the days of mandatory seatbelts and reclining seats. LOL. Jerry sitting across from me on the patio. Jerry Jerry Jerry.
How do people live like this? I need the garbage taken out. I need the toilet fixed. The bathtub is leaking. I have to go under the house to see what the leak is doing and I'm terrified of small spaces and bugs. I need the stuff from a high shelf. The faucet it leaking. I need the light on the eve of the house replaced so it won't be so dark on that side. I need to talk to him. Tell him what was going on with me, to say I'm sorry, to find out what was happening to him. I want to understand why he didn't tell me. I want to know what he was thinking to do this to me. I want him to come home. Please.
It's too much.
God, what a blog. What a hideous, hellacious, nightmare of a blog. What a hell to live in. And it is all, all, all real. Guess what Hell does exist!
Words are Funny
I got this in my email today from Nina a friend from NaNoWriMo. I needed the laugh as I am in a lot of pain today from working outside yesterday and not sleeping well last night. I think the sleep is more the problem. And my posts lately have been depressing I suspect. So, here is some funny definitions. Please not that 14-17 in the first group nearly had me rolling. Been there.
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with..
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with..
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
End of a Lovely Day
It was a lovely day. The sky was blue with great white clouds. The temperatures were right around 70 with a gentle breeze. Mike came and cut the yard and David worked outside the fence clearing the area next to the tracks. It is so bad there but he cleared enough for me to cut and I don't care about there debris. Becca helped too until she sprained her ankle. She stepped in a hole that was dug by a dog they had when they lived with us. I keep forgetting to buy some dirt and fill it. There are several of these holes and now that there is grass we have trouble avoiding them.
Sarah ran and played all over the yard and we hid behind the trunk of her daddy's tulip tree. She likes our yard. I understand it. I love it, too. Our patch of ground with twenty years of roots, now Sarah's roots, too. I wonder about leaving here. I can't. My heart is in every blade of grass and every board foot of building. It is in the tulip tree standing tall and scrubbing the clouds in my patch of sky. It is in the small plot of ground three blocks away. I mourn the dead mimosa trees. I will never plant them again. Maybe we'll plant a tulip tree for Sarah.
When the yard was done I walked across the yard and realized how very empty it is without my tall husband striding across it. He would have been out helping us had he been able. And we would have talked about what we would like to do in the yard and what we'd like to do to the house. We'd laugh at Sarah and we'd play chase or ball with her, all of us together.
But as the day slid into evening and the sky darkened so too did my thoughts. He isn't here. He can't plan with me. He won't smile at me across the yard or yell at Mike because he missed a that strip of grass near the drive. Sarah will never know PawPaw chasing her across the lawn. He won't sit on the patio in the dark with me with the candles burning.
I hate it. And a lovely shinning day ended, sliding into darkness.
Sarah ran and played all over the yard and we hid behind the trunk of her daddy's tulip tree. She likes our yard. I understand it. I love it, too. Our patch of ground with twenty years of roots, now Sarah's roots, too. I wonder about leaving here. I can't. My heart is in every blade of grass and every board foot of building. It is in the tulip tree standing tall and scrubbing the clouds in my patch of sky. It is in the small plot of ground three blocks away. I mourn the dead mimosa trees. I will never plant them again. Maybe we'll plant a tulip tree for Sarah.
When the yard was done I walked across the yard and realized how very empty it is without my tall husband striding across it. He would have been out helping us had he been able. And we would have talked about what we would like to do in the yard and what we'd like to do to the house. We'd laugh at Sarah and we'd play chase or ball with her, all of us together.
But as the day slid into evening and the sky darkened so too did my thoughts. He isn't here. He can't plan with me. He won't smile at me across the yard or yell at Mike because he missed a that strip of grass near the drive. Sarah will never know PawPaw chasing her across the lawn. He won't sit on the patio in the dark with me with the candles burning.
I hate it. And a lovely shinning day ended, sliding into darkness.
Saturday, Sisters, and Stuff
The weather is lovely today. It is about 70 degrees outside and mostly cloudy. I swear it feels like fall!
So why am I sitting here at the computer? I've been paying the bills and fixing up my blog and just doing nothing I don't want to do. I got up at 10:30!! Yes I did. And my neck hurt a little but I felt as if I had plenty of sleep for the first time in weeks. Of course, I didn't go to bed until midnight. I simply can't sleep. I don't know what to do about it. Someone said sleep in the spare room but I like my bed and want my own bed. That room is small and while it has a good bed it is like sleeping in a hotel room. I want MY room. So, unresolved issue.
I've been reading blogs but few of you have new stuff at this point so I'm sort of caught up. My blog is a bit odd however. I read my sister's blog this a.m. and she's in a meltdown. I know she'll bounce back but I hate it when that happens.
Stuck in the Middle is my sister, youngest of three sisters, fourth of seven children. See, stuck in the middle between two sets of three.
I like my sisters. They are wonderful to be around and we have a great time together. The two of them grew up with our mother while I grew up with our mother's mother. I, along with one brother, were left with her parents so she could go party and get pregnant the third time. With the third pregnancy, her parents told her they wouldn't take that baby so she had to get married. She found a man, not the baby's father, and married him. This was in the early 60's. She then proceeded to have three more children, divorced the father, had numerous boyfriends but no children, then, married an old man and had a seventh.
Anyway the five youngest were forced to stay with our mother. She is the most dysfunctional person on the planet. A pathological liar and just about anything else you can imagine. Worst parent in history. I'll swear to it.
Second sister (third of seven) ran away 20 years ago and lives in the same town I do. Stuck is just that. She's run away dozens of times and always goes back there. The last time she left we though it was for good but her husband, my wonderful brother-in-law whom I adore but who doesn't always think well (he's the one who set fire to himself), left the military and went back... taking Stuck with him. Bad move.
Stuck is the sister who feels responsible for all of them since sister #2 left. Before that, sister #2 felt this calling. She has since overcome that particular hangup. Stuck seems stuck. I've attempted numerous methods to unstick her but she resists. She resist because she feels unloved and by taking care of others she feels she will be loved. She isn't unloved. She is just unloved by those she wants to love her. She knows those of us who love her but doesn't understand why THEY don't. And as usual, what we can't have or understand is what we demand.
So, she is having a bad time right now feeling she has made a mistake but not wanting anyone to voice her own opinion. She is doing what she thinks is right. She's got a good heart just misplaced loyalties.
I love my brothers, too. Some people, no matter how much you help them, will always go back to their old ways. I hope that is not the case here but suspect it will be. So at some point, everyone must be held accountable for their own actions and choices. We can give helping hands but sometimes, withholding our help is better for them.
God withholds things we want and think we need all the time. He took the man I know I can't live without. It wasn't right. Just ask me. He took all the hopes and dreams we shared and tossed them out the window. Never asked me once if I minded or cared. Just did it. They tell me I'll get over it. They tell me it was "God's will". They tell me "he's in a better place". They say all manner of stupid things. I don't believe any of that and I get pretty angry when they say it. But I smile and never let on. See, if I don't agree with you, YOU are wrong and I am right.
You can say all day "We don't know what God has planned." You know what I want to say to that? "I DON"T CARE!" But I don't say it. I think it. I talk to God about it. I hope he understands. I can't help it if he doesn't. I pray for him to forgive me if I'm wrong but I still feel what I feel. I do what I think is the right thing. I accept his right to do what he wants to do for whatever reasons he has but I DON"T AGREE WITH THIS.
I'm told this is the normal path of grief and loss. It is normal to feel these things. It is normal to resent having the obvious pointed out to you, to be told you may think you are right but you aren't. I hate it. But I think about it. I listen. I hope that my sanity will come back and I will see all this glorious truth people keep spouting at me. That someday I will wake up and the sun will shine and I'll laugh and run in it and be excited about something and everything will be normal. But to do that I MUST forget my husband. You don't agree with that but it is true. To be carefree and happy and rid of this dark cloud I must bury him completely. He has to die to ME.
That is truth. It is unacceptable.
Stuck is sort of there, too. She is wrong in her thinking. And those who care for her are concerned because we know the pattern. Our emotions are not tied up in her situation. We aren't struggling to reach out and grasp what we think we need. We aren't trying to replace a mother's love with something or someone else. We aren't clinging to something that is gone, that never was.
She is a loving person and deserves to be loved in return. And she is. But she keeps trying to fill her life with people who will fail her every time. She does it for the right reasons. As I said she loves them all and cares. So, those of us who care for her, warn her. Every single time. She hates that. She doesn't agree with it. And she forgets those who do love her and she slaps away the hands that are only trying to hold her up.
I have no illusions about the people I love. And I know who loves me. Some fall into both catagories but not all whom I love, love me. Stuck may get mad at me for posting this. That's ok. She knows I do love her and care about her. But she also knows I speak my mind to her. I left her a note on her blog to tell her today.
I hope this blog is evidence too, that she is loved and cared for and that even if what she is doing turns bad for her, we'll still love her and care for her. But when we feel she is putting herself in harms way we WILL say so. Because we love her.
Besides, they've all been mad at me before. I've learned it just doesn't matter. Life is shorter than we think.
So, with that, I'm going to get Mike to come cut my yard while it is cool out. I'll then go do something silly, I think. Today might be a good day if I can keep the momentum up.
Back later, probably.
So why am I sitting here at the computer? I've been paying the bills and fixing up my blog and just doing nothing I don't want to do. I got up at 10:30!! Yes I did. And my neck hurt a little but I felt as if I had plenty of sleep for the first time in weeks. Of course, I didn't go to bed until midnight. I simply can't sleep. I don't know what to do about it. Someone said sleep in the spare room but I like my bed and want my own bed. That room is small and while it has a good bed it is like sleeping in a hotel room. I want MY room. So, unresolved issue.
I've been reading blogs but few of you have new stuff at this point so I'm sort of caught up. My blog is a bit odd however. I read my sister's blog this a.m. and she's in a meltdown. I know she'll bounce back but I hate it when that happens.
Stuck in the Middle is my sister, youngest of three sisters, fourth of seven children. See, stuck in the middle between two sets of three.
I like my sisters. They are wonderful to be around and we have a great time together. The two of them grew up with our mother while I grew up with our mother's mother. I, along with one brother, were left with her parents so she could go party and get pregnant the third time. With the third pregnancy, her parents told her they wouldn't take that baby so she had to get married. She found a man, not the baby's father, and married him. This was in the early 60's. She then proceeded to have three more children, divorced the father, had numerous boyfriends but no children, then, married an old man and had a seventh.
Anyway the five youngest were forced to stay with our mother. She is the most dysfunctional person on the planet. A pathological liar and just about anything else you can imagine. Worst parent in history. I'll swear to it.
Second sister (third of seven) ran away 20 years ago and lives in the same town I do. Stuck is just that. She's run away dozens of times and always goes back there. The last time she left we though it was for good but her husband, my wonderful brother-in-law whom I adore but who doesn't always think well (he's the one who set fire to himself), left the military and went back... taking Stuck with him. Bad move.
Stuck is the sister who feels responsible for all of them since sister #2 left. Before that, sister #2 felt this calling. She has since overcome that particular hangup. Stuck seems stuck. I've attempted numerous methods to unstick her but she resists. She resist because she feels unloved and by taking care of others she feels she will be loved. She isn't unloved. She is just unloved by those she wants to love her. She knows those of us who love her but doesn't understand why THEY don't. And as usual, what we can't have or understand is what we demand.
So, she is having a bad time right now feeling she has made a mistake but not wanting anyone to voice her own opinion. She is doing what she thinks is right. She's got a good heart just misplaced loyalties.
I love my brothers, too. Some people, no matter how much you help them, will always go back to their old ways. I hope that is not the case here but suspect it will be. So at some point, everyone must be held accountable for their own actions and choices. We can give helping hands but sometimes, withholding our help is better for them.
God withholds things we want and think we need all the time. He took the man I know I can't live without. It wasn't right. Just ask me. He took all the hopes and dreams we shared and tossed them out the window. Never asked me once if I minded or cared. Just did it. They tell me I'll get over it. They tell me it was "God's will". They tell me "he's in a better place". They say all manner of stupid things. I don't believe any of that and I get pretty angry when they say it. But I smile and never let on. See, if I don't agree with you, YOU are wrong and I am right.
You can say all day "We don't know what God has planned." You know what I want to say to that? "I DON"T CARE!" But I don't say it. I think it. I talk to God about it. I hope he understands. I can't help it if he doesn't. I pray for him to forgive me if I'm wrong but I still feel what I feel. I do what I think is the right thing. I accept his right to do what he wants to do for whatever reasons he has but I DON"T AGREE WITH THIS.
I'm told this is the normal path of grief and loss. It is normal to feel these things. It is normal to resent having the obvious pointed out to you, to be told you may think you are right but you aren't. I hate it. But I think about it. I listen. I hope that my sanity will come back and I will see all this glorious truth people keep spouting at me. That someday I will wake up and the sun will shine and I'll laugh and run in it and be excited about something and everything will be normal. But to do that I MUST forget my husband. You don't agree with that but it is true. To be carefree and happy and rid of this dark cloud I must bury him completely. He has to die to ME.
That is truth. It is unacceptable.
Stuck is sort of there, too. She is wrong in her thinking. And those who care for her are concerned because we know the pattern. Our emotions are not tied up in her situation. We aren't struggling to reach out and grasp what we think we need. We aren't trying to replace a mother's love with something or someone else. We aren't clinging to something that is gone, that never was.
She is a loving person and deserves to be loved in return. And she is. But she keeps trying to fill her life with people who will fail her every time. She does it for the right reasons. As I said she loves them all and cares. So, those of us who care for her, warn her. Every single time. She hates that. She doesn't agree with it. And she forgets those who do love her and she slaps away the hands that are only trying to hold her up.
I have no illusions about the people I love. And I know who loves me. Some fall into both catagories but not all whom I love, love me. Stuck may get mad at me for posting this. That's ok. She knows I do love her and care about her. But she also knows I speak my mind to her. I left her a note on her blog to tell her today.
I hope this blog is evidence too, that she is loved and cared for and that even if what she is doing turns bad for her, we'll still love her and care for her. But when we feel she is putting herself in harms way we WILL say so. Because we love her.
Besides, they've all been mad at me before. I've learned it just doesn't matter. Life is shorter than we think.
So, with that, I'm going to get Mike to come cut my yard while it is cool out. I'll then go do something silly, I think. Today might be a good day if I can keep the momentum up.
Back later, probably.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Hump Day Blues
I woke up to a cloudy morning and heat. It was really hot when I went out to work but by 9 a.m. the rain had begun and now it is relatively cool. With the rain came a cool breeze and the day had turned much cooler. Still very overcast and looks like it could rain again any minute. I wish it would. I don't think we get enough rain anymore. Seems we go a long time with none and then get only spikes of deluges.
I have to get Mike to his hearing test today. This is an evaluation for Social Security benefits. Please pray about this. He used to get benefits and they stopped them about 2 years ago. Mike is not capable of providing for himself. He sells plasma to pay his rent and pay his phone bill. He has learning problems, is deaf in one ear, and has poor hearing in his good ear. I have no way to provide for him if something happens to me. He needs that help to survive.
All my mimosa trees have died. I am very disappointed. We planted one of them and it shaded the front of the house. It is now dying. I've very sad all the time lately. I don't find much to enjoy and seeing them die is just another loss. I loved sitting on the patio when they were in bloom and smelling the fragrance of them. I know they make a terribly mess when the blooms fall off and shed the leaves but they are just lovely trees.
I had Sarah about 4 hours last night. For Dave and Becca to make a short trip into Illinois to take friends home. Sarah was an absolute joy. She grabbed me and said, "I'm so glad to see you!" That's her think now. That and "I'm so glad you came!" She throws her arms wide, runs at you and gives you this big hug when she says it so you really believe she is happy to see you. LOL. I got lots of kisses and hugs. We played dolls most of the evening with the doll house. We sat on the patio for a short time and talked a lot but she wanted to run and I was just too tired. So I distracted her and we went in to fix supper.
She loves to help do anything you are doing. She put the biscuits (not cookies for all my Brit friends) on the baker and we had that and beef stew. We watched America's Got Talent. I don't watch a lot of t.v. because I only have an indoor antenna and can get just three channels really well. I may turn on the cable later but still can't find a reason to. Then, we played with the dolls again. She loves dolls. About 9 we showered and dressed for bed. I was getting tired, not Sarah. Mom and Dad picked her up around 10 p.m.
Monday night I don't remember what I did. Nor Tuesday. That's odd. I think I just watched television shows on the computer. HULU. I found a new show I like but they only have six or eight shows of the first season on there. Kingdom. It is a British show but really good. I hate it when they do that. I don't know if it is even on in England now. Any of you know?
I remember watching Upstairs Downstairs on PBS here for several years and then they stopped showing it. I loved it and hated it when they did that! And Dr. Who, the old Dr. Who. I love it, too. We'd get lots of movies as well. PBS usually has lots of BBC programing. Guess they think it will broaden our minds. I haven't seen Jilly's Eastenders however. But then, I can't pick up the PBS stations now since the switch to digital.
Well, must go to work now and get some lunch. Hope you all have a good day.
I have to get Mike to his hearing test today. This is an evaluation for Social Security benefits. Please pray about this. He used to get benefits and they stopped them about 2 years ago. Mike is not capable of providing for himself. He sells plasma to pay his rent and pay his phone bill. He has learning problems, is deaf in one ear, and has poor hearing in his good ear. I have no way to provide for him if something happens to me. He needs that help to survive.
All my mimosa trees have died. I am very disappointed. We planted one of them and it shaded the front of the house. It is now dying. I've very sad all the time lately. I don't find much to enjoy and seeing them die is just another loss. I loved sitting on the patio when they were in bloom and smelling the fragrance of them. I know they make a terribly mess when the blooms fall off and shed the leaves but they are just lovely trees.
I had Sarah about 4 hours last night. For Dave and Becca to make a short trip into Illinois to take friends home. Sarah was an absolute joy. She grabbed me and said, "I'm so glad to see you!" That's her think now. That and "I'm so glad you came!" She throws her arms wide, runs at you and gives you this big hug when she says it so you really believe she is happy to see you. LOL. I got lots of kisses and hugs. We played dolls most of the evening with the doll house. We sat on the patio for a short time and talked a lot but she wanted to run and I was just too tired. So I distracted her and we went in to fix supper.
She loves to help do anything you are doing. She put the biscuits (not cookies for all my Brit friends) on the baker and we had that and beef stew. We watched America's Got Talent. I don't watch a lot of t.v. because I only have an indoor antenna and can get just three channels really well. I may turn on the cable later but still can't find a reason to. Then, we played with the dolls again. She loves dolls. About 9 we showered and dressed for bed. I was getting tired, not Sarah. Mom and Dad picked her up around 10 p.m.
Monday night I don't remember what I did. Nor Tuesday. That's odd. I think I just watched television shows on the computer. HULU. I found a new show I like but they only have six or eight shows of the first season on there. Kingdom. It is a British show but really good. I hate it when they do that. I don't know if it is even on in England now. Any of you know?
I remember watching Upstairs Downstairs on PBS here for several years and then they stopped showing it. I loved it and hated it when they did that! And Dr. Who, the old Dr. Who. I love it, too. We'd get lots of movies as well. PBS usually has lots of BBC programing. Guess they think it will broaden our minds. I haven't seen Jilly's Eastenders however. But then, I can't pick up the PBS stations now since the switch to digital.
Well, must go to work now and get some lunch. Hope you all have a good day.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sunday Morning Contemplations
I woke up late this morning. Yesterday was a long day. Up at 6 and to bed around midnight. I was so depressed all day and by bedtime, I was exhausted. When I woke up this morning, actually Mike called to ask about church, my neck was killing me and I couldn't get up. I think I rolled over and was sleeping on my left side. That is always a bad thing for the neck.
I feel bad cause if I don't go he has no way to go. But I was truly miserable. When I finally got up, I found I also have a kink in my back and I have no idea where that came from. I got up at 10:30 and made my way to the kitchen via the bathroom to find the coffee pot. You would think I was a hundred the way I move some days.
The sun was shinning and I raised the umbrella on the patio because it shades the dinning room windows my table sits. As I was drinking coffee and eating breakfast, I was reading a devotional I keep on my table. I've mentioned this book before in previous posts. "Streams in the Desert". It is one I've had for many years. Actually, the current copy is the second copy I bought over 10 years ago. The first I found at a second hand shop in South Carolina nearly 25 years ago. I used it faithfully during a time of great difficulty. It was a tremendous help.
The current copy also contains a second devotional by the same author called "Springs in the Valley". I remember when I found it in the local bookstore I was thrilled because the original I had was so old and the pages brittle! I gave that to my aunt. I don't know if she still has it or not. I usually read both daily devotionals in the morning.
The book is available from some Christian Bookstores. The author is Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. Isn't that lovely? Mrs. Charles Cowman was very proud to be Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. I don't know who Mr. Cowman was but they were missionaries to China from 1901-1917, this was immediately following the Boxer Rebellion, a very violent episode in China. On the inside cover it says she has four other devotionals published. It also says that this particular one was first released in 1923 and was translated into more than a dozen languages. And yet, I don't know who she was or her first name. She was satisfied to be known by his name. There is a profound truth in that.
The devotional today in Springs in the Valley was probably what I needed to hear, despite the discomfort it caused. I am citing directly from the book.
July 12
I am pressing on. . . forgetting everything which is past." (Philippians 3:12, 13. Weymouth's trans.)
In the very depths of yourself, dig a grave. Let it be like some forgotten spot to which no path leads; and there, in the eternal silence, bury the wrongs that you have suffered. Your heart will feel as if a weight had fallen from it, and a divine peace come to abide with you. - Charles Wagner.
To be misunderstood even by those whom one loves is the cross and bitterness of life. It is the secret of that sad and melancholy smile on the lips of great men which so few understand. It is what must have oftenest wrung the hear of the Son of man. --Amiel
--Springs in the Desert, Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, (c) 1996, Zondervon Publishing House
Now, to discover how I do that.
I feel bad cause if I don't go he has no way to go. But I was truly miserable. When I finally got up, I found I also have a kink in my back and I have no idea where that came from. I got up at 10:30 and made my way to the kitchen via the bathroom to find the coffee pot. You would think I was a hundred the way I move some days.
The sun was shinning and I raised the umbrella on the patio because it shades the dinning room windows my table sits. As I was drinking coffee and eating breakfast, I was reading a devotional I keep on my table. I've mentioned this book before in previous posts. "Streams in the Desert". It is one I've had for many years. Actually, the current copy is the second copy I bought over 10 years ago. The first I found at a second hand shop in South Carolina nearly 25 years ago. I used it faithfully during a time of great difficulty. It was a tremendous help.
The current copy also contains a second devotional by the same author called "Springs in the Valley". I remember when I found it in the local bookstore I was thrilled because the original I had was so old and the pages brittle! I gave that to my aunt. I don't know if she still has it or not. I usually read both daily devotionals in the morning.
The book is available from some Christian Bookstores. The author is Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. Isn't that lovely? Mrs. Charles Cowman was very proud to be Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. I don't know who Mr. Cowman was but they were missionaries to China from 1901-1917, this was immediately following the Boxer Rebellion, a very violent episode in China. On the inside cover it says she has four other devotionals published. It also says that this particular one was first released in 1923 and was translated into more than a dozen languages. And yet, I don't know who she was or her first name. She was satisfied to be known by his name. There is a profound truth in that.
The devotional today in Springs in the Valley was probably what I needed to hear, despite the discomfort it caused. I am citing directly from the book.
July 12
I am pressing on. . . forgetting everything which is past." (Philippians 3:12, 13. Weymouth's trans.)
In the very depths of yourself, dig a grave. Let it be like some forgotten spot to which no path leads; and there, in the eternal silence, bury the wrongs that you have suffered. Your heart will feel as if a weight had fallen from it, and a divine peace come to abide with you. - Charles Wagner.
To be misunderstood even by those whom one loves is the cross and bitterness of life. It is the secret of that sad and melancholy smile on the lips of great men which so few understand. It is what must have oftenest wrung the hear of the Son of man. --Amiel
Blasted rock and broken stone,
Ordinary earth,
Rolled and rammed and trampled on,
Forgotten, nothing worth,
And blamed, but used day after day;
An open road -- the king's highway.
Often left outside the door,
Sometimes in the rain,
Always lying on the floor,
And made for mud and stain:
Men wipe their feet, and tread it flat,
And beat it clean-- the master's mat.
Thou was broken, left alone,
Thou wast blamed, and worse,
Thou was scourged and spat upon,
Thou didst become my curse--
Lord Jesus, as I think of that
I pray, make me Thy road, Thy mat.
---Gold Cord.
"The power to help others depends upon the acceptance of a trampled life."Ordinary earth,
Rolled and rammed and trampled on,
Forgotten, nothing worth,
And blamed, but used day after day;
An open road -- the king's highway.
Often left outside the door,
Sometimes in the rain,
Always lying on the floor,
And made for mud and stain:
Men wipe their feet, and tread it flat,
And beat it clean-- the master's mat.
Thou was broken, left alone,
Thou wast blamed, and worse,
Thou was scourged and spat upon,
Thou didst become my curse--
Lord Jesus, as I think of that
I pray, make me Thy road, Thy mat.
---Gold Cord.
--Springs in the Desert, Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, (c) 1996, Zondervon Publishing House
Now, to discover how I do that.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Texting Teen Falls Down Manhole - News- msnbc.com
Link
Lord, I love this. It is the fault of New York City that this girl fell into a manhole because she was not watching where she was going! Thankfully, she didn't cross the street in New York traffic! She could have been DEAD!
But God forbid she should be allowed to EVER drive a car! I wonder how she will feel when she is sued for manslaughter by some poor schmucks family because SHE couldn't stop texting to DRIVE!
And the parents are horrified that a sewer is putrid but not that their daughter is um. . . intellectually challenged? I think we can see the apple doesn't fall far from the trees.
I hope the judge throws this one out of court... of course she probably won't even know about it. She'll have her nose to the screen of her phone.
Hellooooo? Put your head up and watch where you're going and stop wasting taxpayer's money.
Lord, I love this. It is the fault of New York City that this girl fell into a manhole because she was not watching where she was going! Thankfully, she didn't cross the street in New York traffic! She could have been DEAD!
But God forbid she should be allowed to EVER drive a car! I wonder how she will feel when she is sued for manslaughter by some poor schmucks family because SHE couldn't stop texting to DRIVE!
And the parents are horrified that a sewer is putrid but not that their daughter is um. . . intellectually challenged? I think we can see the apple doesn't fall far from the trees.
I hope the judge throws this one out of court... of course she probably won't even know about it. She'll have her nose to the screen of her phone.
Hellooooo? Put your head up and watch where you're going and stop wasting taxpayer's money.
Early Bird Shot
Well, he should be. I've been sitting her since 6:55! WHY on earth am I up that early? I have no idea. I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Could it be cause I got my pillows in the mail yesterday? LOL. My aunt mailed them after Mike kept calling her. He looks out for me. But I don't think that is the reason I am up early.
I did sleep a bit better cause I took FIVE pillows and arranged them on my bed so I was in a cradled position and my head, neck and shoulders were supported. It did feel good but I didn't go to bed until around midnight.
Only I am now tired! I am about to get dressed and go to pick up my vacuum cleaner from the repair shop. Cost less that $25 to get it fixed! I'm shocked.
It is raining here. A steady drizzle that is tapping on the awnings over the office window. It is the one of the nicer things about awnings. The other is these rooms would be miserably hot without them in the afternoons.
So, I am out for a bit. I don't really want to go but I do need that vacuum. The floors are getting a bit cluttered with bits from the yard. The wood floors can be swept but the machine actually gets things much cleaner.
Hope you all have a lovely day.
I did sleep a bit better cause I took FIVE pillows and arranged them on my bed so I was in a cradled position and my head, neck and shoulders were supported. It did feel good but I didn't go to bed until around midnight.
Only I am now tired! I am about to get dressed and go to pick up my vacuum cleaner from the repair shop. Cost less that $25 to get it fixed! I'm shocked.
It is raining here. A steady drizzle that is tapping on the awnings over the office window. It is the one of the nicer things about awnings. The other is these rooms would be miserably hot without them in the afternoons.
So, I am out for a bit. I don't really want to go but I do need that vacuum. The floors are getting a bit cluttered with bits from the yard. The wood floors can be swept but the machine actually gets things much cleaner.
Hope you all have a lovely day.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Friday Fictions
Oh children, the sound of silence tonight is actually bliss. I am sitting in my house missing Jerry with every passing thought but to hear nothing tonight is a balm. I've had a terrible week and all I wanted to do was come home and sit alone for the last three days.
No, it isn't fun. Nor especially pleasurable. Perhaps a safe haven is a better term. It is like a place where time has stopped. The 29th will mark the 6th month since Jerry died. I cope. I don't want to get up in the mornings. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything. I make a plan to accomplish some things but when the time comes, I have no motivation to do it. I am lonely and realize how very much we were a part of each others lives for so long.
You don't notice it, you know. You get used to it, become comfortable. And then they die and you look down and find half of you is missing. You reach for the sugar bowl and find you have no hand. You turn to share a joke and there is no one there. Jerry loved jokes. He was funny without trying at times, saying something crazy out of the blue that sent me into laughter. Or he would dance a jig. He couldn't dance! It was hysterical. Or he would grin at me acting foolish and shake his head and chuckle. But he died. And there is no jokes, no laughter, no smiles.
Someone told me not to long ago that they preferred the term "passed away". No! No, death left no dignity for us and I will give none to him. Jerry died. There was nothing soft and warm and comforting about it. He died. Suddenly, without any warning all peace was shattered in my house by an unwelcome invader. Even the apostle Paul taunted death. "Death where is thy victory?" he said. Jesus trumped death by overcoming it. I have not found peace in that thought but I will not give death one ounce dignity.
I want to go home. That is the craziest thing I've said in a long time. Mama and Daddy and Jerry are home. And they are not here. I can't go home. There are no words, nothing, nothing, nothing to say to make it better, to make it right.
I do not fall apart anymore. Sometimes I feel nothing. Today, I had a counselor's appointment. He studied me quite a bit, gauging my mood, my demeanor, my state of mind. Well, that is what I'm paying for, isn't it? And he's very nice but I think I puzzle him sometimes. I finally said, "So how am I?" He studied me a minute and then a light came on. "Oh, you're asking me?" We laughed about it. He looked away and said, "Well, I think you're better." I smiled.
I'm better. Yes.
I write fiction.
No, it isn't fun. Nor especially pleasurable. Perhaps a safe haven is a better term. It is like a place where time has stopped. The 29th will mark the 6th month since Jerry died. I cope. I don't want to get up in the mornings. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything. I make a plan to accomplish some things but when the time comes, I have no motivation to do it. I am lonely and realize how very much we were a part of each others lives for so long.
You don't notice it, you know. You get used to it, become comfortable. And then they die and you look down and find half of you is missing. You reach for the sugar bowl and find you have no hand. You turn to share a joke and there is no one there. Jerry loved jokes. He was funny without trying at times, saying something crazy out of the blue that sent me into laughter. Or he would dance a jig. He couldn't dance! It was hysterical. Or he would grin at me acting foolish and shake his head and chuckle. But he died. And there is no jokes, no laughter, no smiles.
Someone told me not to long ago that they preferred the term "passed away". No! No, death left no dignity for us and I will give none to him. Jerry died. There was nothing soft and warm and comforting about it. He died. Suddenly, without any warning all peace was shattered in my house by an unwelcome invader. Even the apostle Paul taunted death. "Death where is thy victory?" he said. Jesus trumped death by overcoming it. I have not found peace in that thought but I will not give death one ounce dignity.
I want to go home. That is the craziest thing I've said in a long time. Mama and Daddy and Jerry are home. And they are not here. I can't go home. There are no words, nothing, nothing, nothing to say to make it better, to make it right.
I do not fall apart anymore. Sometimes I feel nothing. Today, I had a counselor's appointment. He studied me quite a bit, gauging my mood, my demeanor, my state of mind. Well, that is what I'm paying for, isn't it? And he's very nice but I think I puzzle him sometimes. I finally said, "So how am I?" He studied me a minute and then a light came on. "Oh, you're asking me?" We laughed about it. He looked away and said, "Well, I think you're better." I smiled.
I'm better. Yes.
I write fiction.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Lousy Week End Approaches
What a week. I have just had enough. I got back on Tuesday to a mad house. One of the receptionist doesn't much like answering questions, talking to the clients, or figuring out what they want. Hello? Then what exactly do we need a receptionist for?
The boss was out and I was left "in charge" for that day. Which simply means anything that goes wrong is MY fault. Caseworkers had questions, landlords had questions, the receptionist didn't want to deal with people coming in that wanted to see me right then. Never mind if I was on the phone, handling a problem elsewhere. "What do I tell them?"
ASK WHAT THE WANT AND CALL ME BACK!
Wednesday there was a clash with the baby boy. I won't go into it here cause I'm sick of begin yanked around when I don't comply with demands.
When I got home from work, I found that the insurance denied payment of the physical therapy sessions. Since they are expensive I was PO'd. It was after 5 but I called and yelled into the answering machine. Then, this morning I called and chewed out three other people. THEY were the ones who told me the insurance would pay for it. The insurance had told me they wouldn't but after talking with the hospital, they assured me the insurance would pay.
So, today, one of the three people I raked called and said it was a billing code error. I was one of two people that it had happened to and only three sessions had been billed incorrectly. They would fix it and I would not have to pay for it. Peachy. I cancelled my appointments this morning until I could get it all solved.
Said receptionist was being dingy. She emailed me and a coworker with this question. "What time do you go to lunch so I will know what to tell your clients if they come in?"
Now, if I'm not there and you know it is lunch time, what would you say to a client? I'M AT LUNCH YOU MORON! MAKE SOMETHING UP!
My co-worker said she didn't respond to the email and wasn't going to. I haven't either. Folks, this isn't rocket science. It really isn't.
This was not the week for every idiot on the planet to push my buttons. I have maintained my composure at great cost. I'm tired. I'm ready to scream at the next stupid problem. This woman has complained about every front desk duty since she has been here and she does less than any receptionist we've ever had and gets paid twice as much as any of the best ones did. Get over and and do your job! Try to appear as if you were worth what they pay you.
To top it all off, I realize I can't stop being assailed by thoughts, images, feelings, guilt, heart rending pain. Is there no way to get past the absolute horror of loss? It is simply a waking nightmare. You keep thinking today I'll get up and it will be different. I won't think about it. I won't have flashbacks. I won't fall apart or have to clinch my fist, teeth and stiffen my spine to walk across the room, answer the phone, speak to someone. It will be easy today. I'll be able to push it out of my mind.
I'm going to bed.
The boss was out and I was left "in charge" for that day. Which simply means anything that goes wrong is MY fault. Caseworkers had questions, landlords had questions, the receptionist didn't want to deal with people coming in that wanted to see me right then. Never mind if I was on the phone, handling a problem elsewhere. "What do I tell them?"
ASK WHAT THE WANT AND CALL ME BACK!
Wednesday there was a clash with the baby boy. I won't go into it here cause I'm sick of begin yanked around when I don't comply with demands.
When I got home from work, I found that the insurance denied payment of the physical therapy sessions. Since they are expensive I was PO'd. It was after 5 but I called and yelled into the answering machine. Then, this morning I called and chewed out three other people. THEY were the ones who told me the insurance would pay for it. The insurance had told me they wouldn't but after talking with the hospital, they assured me the insurance would pay.
So, today, one of the three people I raked called and said it was a billing code error. I was one of two people that it had happened to and only three sessions had been billed incorrectly. They would fix it and I would not have to pay for it. Peachy. I cancelled my appointments this morning until I could get it all solved.
Said receptionist was being dingy. She emailed me and a coworker with this question. "What time do you go to lunch so I will know what to tell your clients if they come in?"
Now, if I'm not there and you know it is lunch time, what would you say to a client? I'M AT LUNCH YOU MORON! MAKE SOMETHING UP!
My co-worker said she didn't respond to the email and wasn't going to. I haven't either. Folks, this isn't rocket science. It really isn't.
This was not the week for every idiot on the planet to push my buttons. I have maintained my composure at great cost. I'm tired. I'm ready to scream at the next stupid problem. This woman has complained about every front desk duty since she has been here and she does less than any receptionist we've ever had and gets paid twice as much as any of the best ones did. Get over and and do your job! Try to appear as if you were worth what they pay you.
To top it all off, I realize I can't stop being assailed by thoughts, images, feelings, guilt, heart rending pain. Is there no way to get past the absolute horror of loss? It is simply a waking nightmare. You keep thinking today I'll get up and it will be different. I won't think about it. I won't have flashbacks. I won't fall apart or have to clinch my fist, teeth and stiffen my spine to walk across the room, answer the phone, speak to someone. It will be easy today. I'll be able to push it out of my mind.
I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
'Individual mandate' key to universal health coverage
Link
Second nail in the coffin of freedom. The first was when we elected a democratic majority. Get ready folks, this is only the beginning.
You WILL buy health insurance no matter what. Notice the phrase for you who choose to remain uninsured "will be penalized"? This means you will be punished if you refuse to pay for insurance you don't need or want. What are they going to do to you? Tax you at higher rate? Is the reason you can't get insurance because of the money? Well, they'll make you pay another way.
Welcome to America ruled by Demon-crats,
Second nail in the coffin of freedom. The first was when we elected a democratic majority. Get ready folks, this is only the beginning.
You WILL buy health insurance no matter what. Notice the phrase for you who choose to remain uninsured "will be penalized"? This means you will be punished if you refuse to pay for insurance you don't need or want. What are they going to do to you? Tax you at higher rate? Is the reason you can't get insurance because of the money? Well, they'll make you pay another way.
Welcome to America ruled by Demon-crats,
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
A Good Day for Praying
This would be a good day to pray for me. I'm not well this morning. Getting up was difficult and it has only gone down hill. I just feel sick to my soul and overwhelmed. You ever hear the phrase of a ship with out a sail? That's me, directionless, no clue which way to turn.
I just have to start taking the St. John's Wort again. It was having a bad effect on my skin but I can't cope without something. I will have to use a lot of caution to stay out of the sun but the sun really does help I believe. I do not wish to take prescription anti-depressants but I also really don't want to descend any further into this blackness.
I am on my way to PT now and then to work. Please, for those of you who pray, say prayers for me today. I do not request this lightly.
I just have to start taking the St. John's Wort again. It was having a bad effect on my skin but I can't cope without something. I will have to use a lot of caution to stay out of the sun but the sun really does help I believe. I do not wish to take prescription anti-depressants but I also really don't want to descend any further into this blackness.
I am on my way to PT now and then to work. Please, for those of you who pray, say prayers for me today. I do not request this lightly.
Monday, July 6, 2009
End of the Day
The day is winding down and I am on my way to the shower. It was not really a day where I found a lot of enjoyment. I got up early. Actually was awakened at 7:30 by the phone. I can't sleep in no matter what. I dare not turn the phone off because if something happens and people have to reach me they won't be able to. But I'm really tired of getting up early on my days off.
Anyway, I got up and did a lot of running before noon. Picked up meds, cleaning, dropped off old film for developing, dropped off two sets of paperwork for two agencies concerning Mike, came home and cleaned around my office trying to sort out some things. Then, watched a couple of Hulu shows.
Picked Mike up and dropped him at the plasma bank and went to Barnes & Nobel and bought three books. Would have bought more but decided not to at this time. I actually just sat in a chair and browsed a book for a few minutes and then just sat and let the smell of books soak into my skin. I usually love looking at all the different books but after a few minutes I was done. Mind you, I've lost hours in bookstores. This was not typical. And I left unsatisfied.
Then, Mike came back early because he couldn't sell his blood today. He helped me put up the porch light and we went to supper together. I stopped by the photo lab to pick up photos disc and just got done going over them. There were 10 and all but one was Becca's! I'm annoyed. I still have 8 more to develop. These all dated from 2007. I was hoping there were photos of Jerry but mostly they were of Sarah. I've copied them to my computer but I really wanted current photos of him. I am hoping that on my rolls there will be some. But we were taking photos of Sarah all the time and he was usually working or sleeping.
I've not really had a very good day. I got in an argument with Mike around noon and took him home annoyed. I went to the cemetery but I was so upset I had to leave.
This is so terrible, to feel this way. I am so tired of missing him. Isn't that awful. I want accept that he isn't coming back but each time I think I can do it, I need him. I'm tired of the house being empty. I'm tired of not enjoying my yard and home. I'm tired of problems I could always let him handle. He got to where he couldn't do anything and I would get so angry. I didn't know why he never got things done anymore.
He had always been reliable about the things I'd ask him to handle. But then, it got worse and worse and worse until he was doing nothing but sleeping. How could I have missed that? I was tired and hurting all the time and all I did was complain about how he wasn't helping at all.
I don't feel as if I've had a holiday at all. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I don't want to have to deal with any more problems. I'm really tired of thinking and trying to avoid thinking and trying to figure out things. If the hollow feeling were really a state of being, I'd feel nothing. Everything hurts and I'm tired of it.
I'm going to take a hot shower and get ready for bed. I have physical therapy again tomorrow and this time it is at 7:30 in the morning. I have to do it for this whole month, twice a week. I hope this month will be the end of it. I don't really care anymore whether I go to the gym or not. I'd rather just sit in a chair and do nothing.
I may try and find somewhere to go next weekend so I can get away for a bit. I just need space and I'm not getting it here. But then, I don't know if it matters. I have to come back to an empty house. I usually come back sick.
Well, what started as a fairly average blog has degenerated to a first class whine fest. I'm sorry. It has to go somewhere.
Anyway, I got up and did a lot of running before noon. Picked up meds, cleaning, dropped off old film for developing, dropped off two sets of paperwork for two agencies concerning Mike, came home and cleaned around my office trying to sort out some things. Then, watched a couple of Hulu shows.
Picked Mike up and dropped him at the plasma bank and went to Barnes & Nobel and bought three books. Would have bought more but decided not to at this time. I actually just sat in a chair and browsed a book for a few minutes and then just sat and let the smell of books soak into my skin. I usually love looking at all the different books but after a few minutes I was done. Mind you, I've lost hours in bookstores. This was not typical. And I left unsatisfied.
Then, Mike came back early because he couldn't sell his blood today. He helped me put up the porch light and we went to supper together. I stopped by the photo lab to pick up photos disc and just got done going over them. There were 10 and all but one was Becca's! I'm annoyed. I still have 8 more to develop. These all dated from 2007. I was hoping there were photos of Jerry but mostly they were of Sarah. I've copied them to my computer but I really wanted current photos of him. I am hoping that on my rolls there will be some. But we were taking photos of Sarah all the time and he was usually working or sleeping.
I've not really had a very good day. I got in an argument with Mike around noon and took him home annoyed. I went to the cemetery but I was so upset I had to leave.
This is so terrible, to feel this way. I am so tired of missing him. Isn't that awful. I want accept that he isn't coming back but each time I think I can do it, I need him. I'm tired of the house being empty. I'm tired of not enjoying my yard and home. I'm tired of problems I could always let him handle. He got to where he couldn't do anything and I would get so angry. I didn't know why he never got things done anymore.
He had always been reliable about the things I'd ask him to handle. But then, it got worse and worse and worse until he was doing nothing but sleeping. How could I have missed that? I was tired and hurting all the time and all I did was complain about how he wasn't helping at all.
I don't feel as if I've had a holiday at all. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I don't want to have to deal with any more problems. I'm really tired of thinking and trying to avoid thinking and trying to figure out things. If the hollow feeling were really a state of being, I'd feel nothing. Everything hurts and I'm tired of it.
I'm going to take a hot shower and get ready for bed. I have physical therapy again tomorrow and this time it is at 7:30 in the morning. I have to do it for this whole month, twice a week. I hope this month will be the end of it. I don't really care anymore whether I go to the gym or not. I'd rather just sit in a chair and do nothing.
I may try and find somewhere to go next weekend so I can get away for a bit. I just need space and I'm not getting it here. But then, I don't know if it matters. I have to come back to an empty house. I usually come back sick.
Well, what started as a fairly average blog has degenerated to a first class whine fest. I'm sorry. It has to go somewhere.
A Free Monday
I'm off work today and have just gotten dressed. I have to take my vacuum to the repair shop. I have to install a new front porch light. I have to get a timer for the automatic light on the garage. It is running day and night! I need to get busy pulling stuff and tossing it.
A lot to do and I won't waste time here talking about it. I'm wasting a lot of time these days. In the last week I've only just begun to feel like I can think through a process and figure it out. Action is still lagging but maybe I can work on that today?
Hope you all have a good start to your week. I am hurting everywhere more than anywhere else! My grandmother used to say that.
Thanks to all my wonderful friends for welcoming my Aunt to Multiply. She's enjoying herself, I think, and gradually learning to navigate the program. I know she has much to share because she's has a wonderful rich life to share. She won't think that but it is true. I told her there are many stories she need to be writing down for her grandchildren to have as keepsakes. I am a firm believer in the oral history of families being documented. So much is lost when our grandparents, parents and spouses die.
I have a great sadness because I know next to nothing about my husbands family. They never came around or contacted us. He used to tell us things about growing up but I never got him to write those things down! Now I can't share his memories with his children and Sarah. And so many things we shared that I don't remember but he would never in a million years forget are lost.
So, write your memories down for you children. Believe me, it will be special to them eventually. Maybe not right now, but when the winter evenings are long and cold and you have been gone many years, the warmth from them will be welcomed.
A lot to do and I won't waste time here talking about it. I'm wasting a lot of time these days. In the last week I've only just begun to feel like I can think through a process and figure it out. Action is still lagging but maybe I can work on that today?
Hope you all have a good start to your week. I am hurting everywhere more than anywhere else! My grandmother used to say that.
Thanks to all my wonderful friends for welcoming my Aunt to Multiply. She's enjoying herself, I think, and gradually learning to navigate the program. I know she has much to share because she's has a wonderful rich life to share. She won't think that but it is true. I told her there are many stories she need to be writing down for her grandchildren to have as keepsakes. I am a firm believer in the oral history of families being documented. So much is lost when our grandparents, parents and spouses die.
I have a great sadness because I know next to nothing about my husbands family. They never came around or contacted us. He used to tell us things about growing up but I never got him to write those things down! Now I can't share his memories with his children and Sarah. And so many things we shared that I don't remember but he would never in a million years forget are lost.
So, write your memories down for you children. Believe me, it will be special to them eventually. Maybe not right now, but when the winter evenings are long and cold and you have been gone many years, the warmth from them will be welcomed.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
After the Ball... Fireworks
It was a nice but chilly night. Who would think you'd need a blanket in July? We didn't carry one and of course, it had to be about 65 degrees out there! I carried a sweater and a heavy shawl. Sweater on my body, shawl on my legs.
I give you only a brief glimpse here of what the 4th of July is like in mid-America.
Goths saunter down the levee in their regalia. Only Mike turns his head. It is a pretty lacy shawl she is wearing but the red dress. . . bit over the top.
Four Indians... the ones from India . . . are taking turns posing with the river at their back and taking photos of each other with their phones. One has his thumb pointed over his shoulder like a hitchhiker. I suppose so those who see his photo will know there is a river back there. He sees me looking and stops. I am laughing and talking on my cell phone describing the incident to my listener but he can't know that. I suppose that is how we look when we play tourist.
I tell my listener that all these foreigners ought to be the biggest flag wavers out here. She agrees. And she adds, they need to learn to speak English instead of asking for library books in their language! We end the conversation to rejoin our own celebrations.
A couple walks by with two children. A pretty little girl danced ahead of them and I glance back at the second little girl with blond hair longer than Sarah's. Becca says, "It's a boy." I asked how she knew. She said, "She called him Sebastian." I looked at the father. His ponytail should have told me. He's dressed in a pair of jeans, a blue shirt with some kind of logo on the back. I suspect a biker logo.
Several orientals walk past looking around at the natives as if they expect some of us to ask for directions to their restaurant. They always look scared to me. Is it something we said?
Several groups of black American youth trip by talking on their cell phones all at the same time because they live near the river and taking photos of it is unnecessary.Do black youth do Goth?
Oddly, and I don't have a clue why, similar groups of white youths appear to be talking to each other. Is there something I am missing? Rarely are there mixed groups, despite this being America.
Lots of families of all colors walk past, strollers ahead of them, or children dancing around them or walking into people because they are looking at the boats on the river. A tradition handed down as our is for 20 years or just starting out.
There do not seem to be as many black families but this area is said to have a low minority population. There appears to be groups of black males or black females. I presume they are your average American but they could easily be of some other cultural background. They don't actually talk. They do swagger.
Children and teenagers of various colors cautiously walk down the grassy slope of the levee to stand on the rocks or sit on them. One teenage girl slides the last two feet on her butt.
Mike talks to the guy nearby who works at the local criminal utility company, Vectren, for several minutes. They guys wife is working on the boat tonight. It will be a late night, I hear. Mike finally sits to give me a scoop but I do not care if the home office is located here. I want them to vacate as soon as a replacement can be found!
Sarah has a wonderful time looking around and saying, "Mawmaw, I got to tell you something." She proceeds to tell me whatever pops into her head. Actually she tells me about the flora and fauna she is seeing around her. Not sure what it all means but it seems to be the above phrase she is trying out rather than the conversation.
The sky darkens and everyone finds their seat and the show begins. Once it ends, everyone packs up their gear and begins an orderly walk back to the cars that are parked all over the area, some half a mile away. There is lots of laughing, talking, and general shuffling as thousands of feet head in all directions.
One woman is slapping her kids and yelling, "This is never gonna happen again." Mike is furious at the display and wants to do something. I told him there were enough of them to stomp a mud hole in him and to mind his own business.
Another woman stops in the middle of the walk and is saying in her cell phone, "You see that light? That's where I'll be. You don't see me, well, I'll talk to you sometime tomorrow." The crowd simply flows calmly around her.
Three girls stand off on the side of the path, in a triangular tableau looking at each other. One is on her cell phone. I notice one has a strapless long dress on. Muumuu? It's dark and I can't really tell.
At the traffic light the crowd waits while a policeman yells starts toward a guy driving a truck stopped at the intersection. "Come on! HEY, PAY ATTENTION! COME ON!" The guys comes to himself and waves, "Sorry officer." I think he was watching the lights waiting for them to change rather seeing the four policeman standing in the middle of the four lane directing traffic. Never mind the hundreds of people swarming across the road ways and along the sidewalks and cars at a standstill waiting on one man to move. No one says anything or move from the curb until the officer says, "You guys can cross now."
Finally, in minutes we are in the car and on the way home, by way of milkshakes at Sonic. So, there you have it. A vignette of the sights along the river walk tonight.
I give you only a brief glimpse here of what the 4th of July is like in mid-America.
Goths saunter down the levee in their regalia. Only Mike turns his head. It is a pretty lacy shawl she is wearing but the red dress. . . bit over the top.
Four Indians... the ones from India . . . are taking turns posing with the river at their back and taking photos of each other with their phones. One has his thumb pointed over his shoulder like a hitchhiker. I suppose so those who see his photo will know there is a river back there. He sees me looking and stops. I am laughing and talking on my cell phone describing the incident to my listener but he can't know that. I suppose that is how we look when we play tourist.
I tell my listener that all these foreigners ought to be the biggest flag wavers out here. She agrees. And she adds, they need to learn to speak English instead of asking for library books in their language! We end the conversation to rejoin our own celebrations.
A couple walks by with two children. A pretty little girl danced ahead of them and I glance back at the second little girl with blond hair longer than Sarah's. Becca says, "It's a boy." I asked how she knew. She said, "She called him Sebastian." I looked at the father. His ponytail should have told me. He's dressed in a pair of jeans, a blue shirt with some kind of logo on the back. I suspect a biker logo.
Several orientals walk past looking around at the natives as if they expect some of us to ask for directions to their restaurant. They always look scared to me. Is it something we said?
Several groups of black American youth trip by talking on their cell phones all at the same time because they live near the river and taking photos of it is unnecessary.Do black youth do Goth?
Oddly, and I don't have a clue why, similar groups of white youths appear to be talking to each other. Is there something I am missing? Rarely are there mixed groups, despite this being America.
Lots of families of all colors walk past, strollers ahead of them, or children dancing around them or walking into people because they are looking at the boats on the river. A tradition handed down as our is for 20 years or just starting out.
There do not seem to be as many black families but this area is said to have a low minority population. There appears to be groups of black males or black females. I presume they are your average American but they could easily be of some other cultural background. They don't actually talk. They do swagger.
Children and teenagers of various colors cautiously walk down the grassy slope of the levee to stand on the rocks or sit on them. One teenage girl slides the last two feet on her butt.
Mike talks to the guy nearby who works at the local criminal utility company, Vectren, for several minutes. They guys wife is working on the boat tonight. It will be a late night, I hear. Mike finally sits to give me a scoop but I do not care if the home office is located here. I want them to vacate as soon as a replacement can be found!
Sarah has a wonderful time looking around and saying, "Mawmaw, I got to tell you something." She proceeds to tell me whatever pops into her head. Actually she tells me about the flora and fauna she is seeing around her. Not sure what it all means but it seems to be the above phrase she is trying out rather than the conversation.
The sky darkens and everyone finds their seat and the show begins. Once it ends, everyone packs up their gear and begins an orderly walk back to the cars that are parked all over the area, some half a mile away. There is lots of laughing, talking, and general shuffling as thousands of feet head in all directions.
One woman is slapping her kids and yelling, "This is never gonna happen again." Mike is furious at the display and wants to do something. I told him there were enough of them to stomp a mud hole in him and to mind his own business.
Another woman stops in the middle of the walk and is saying in her cell phone, "You see that light? That's where I'll be. You don't see me, well, I'll talk to you sometime tomorrow." The crowd simply flows calmly around her.
Three girls stand off on the side of the path, in a triangular tableau looking at each other. One is on her cell phone. I notice one has a strapless long dress on. Muumuu? It's dark and I can't really tell.
At the traffic light the crowd waits while a policeman yells starts toward a guy driving a truck stopped at the intersection. "Come on! HEY, PAY ATTENTION! COME ON!" The guys comes to himself and waves, "Sorry officer." I think he was watching the lights waiting for them to change rather seeing the four policeman standing in the middle of the four lane directing traffic. Never mind the hundreds of people swarming across the road ways and along the sidewalks and cars at a standstill waiting on one man to move. No one says anything or move from the curb until the officer says, "You guys can cross now."
Finally, in minutes we are in the car and on the way home, by way of milkshakes at Sonic. So, there you have it. A vignette of the sights along the river walk tonight.
Happy Birthday, America!
A gloomy birthday it is. The sky has been overcast since I awoke at 8:00 a.m. and rain has fallen periodically here in southern Indiana. The plan was grilling out and fireworks on the riverfront at 9 p.m. We will probably still do that but not sure how it will work in the rain.
Back is PAINFUL today. Woke up stiff and my head doesn't like looking to the left. I couldn't find a pillow to replace the one I left in Georgia but I bought one I thought might work. It apparently doesn't. So, back to sleeping without a pillow. I've spent a small fortune on pillows in the last year. I'm done.
I sat in my t-shirt and panties until nearly 11:00 a.m. reading and cleaning out my favorites. I have hundreds of bookmarks and some are for sites long gone. I'm going through to see which ones still work and if I'm still interested in the content. I use foxmarks and this is relatively easy with their Organizer. Just opens them in a page and I click, visit the site and update as needed. When I am done, I will synchronize and my book marks on any other computer I use with foxmarks will be updated. Cool.
I dressed about an hour ago and looked outside. Raining. Hair is pulled into a pony tail. I'm considering another cup of coffee. I had something for breakfast but don't remember... oh yes, a Jimmy Dean sausage, egg and cheese biscuit from the freezer, nuked to perfection. And coffee. Yep. Delish.....
I've been working on a chapter of Mist. Got four pages in as many days. Not good. Got to get out of this slump. I'm never going to finish one. Never. What was I thinking of to have four novels over 50,000 words each and none completed? I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. And November will roll around and I'll do another 50,000 and what? Yeah.
I'm reading a book by Kathy Reichs "Devil Bones". I like her books a lot. She also produces the television show "Bones". I like that, too. I'd started reading her long before the show began. She is a forensic anthropologist. I always liked Patricia Cornwell but once I read Reichs I found her books equally good and I like her character better than Scarpetta. I'm over three-fourths of the way through it and not a minute of boredom.
My aunt's blog is underway. I've got her a background from where they went to New Zealand. She made her second post today. She even has some new contacts. I think she is quite excited about this. She likes people and will enjoy the comments and reading your blogs. And she's learning a new thing and she likes that. It is why she is so young at heart. She just never stops doing things. Sometimes risky things! She got on the back of a pillow cushioned couch to clean blinds and fell off backwards. She considered the danger of breaking her neck and promptly climbed back up and promptly fell off backwards . . . again.
We have all pointed out that when you are 70 you can't go climbing on soft items to reach great heights. We've pointed out the fun a broken hip will be for someone as active as she. We've pointed out the down side to a broken neck for her as well as for us. I hope she is reading this. You are the only mother I have left. At this point in my life, I don't need further grief. She is great fun and a the most wonderful thing God ever put in my life. I do not remember a time when she wasn't there. I dare not. Despite her multitudinous efforts to curl my hair to my pain and misfortune and her total failure, she is just a great lady.
Did I tell you all I made a Google Gadget? I did! It goes on your home page! Daily Dixiegirl. You can get a quick link to this blog, and catch up on the short version of what is going on. LOL, not sure anyone is going to be that interested. Just couldn't resist the temptation to make something new. Now, if any of you create your own, let me know and I'll put it on my homepage!
I had that second cup of coffee and it was nice. I have to go now and get my meds from the pharmacy. I also have to take them. I hope all my American neighbors have a lovely 4th. For all my other friends, you don't know what you're missing! Well, maybe you do but if there is a celebration near you, join in. No one will know or care that you aren't American. We love a party with good food, good friends, and good music. You'll fit right in if you wear red, white, and blue and sing God Bless the USA.
I'll be back later, I'm sure.
Back is PAINFUL today. Woke up stiff and my head doesn't like looking to the left. I couldn't find a pillow to replace the one I left in Georgia but I bought one I thought might work. It apparently doesn't. So, back to sleeping without a pillow. I've spent a small fortune on pillows in the last year. I'm done.
I sat in my t-shirt and panties until nearly 11:00 a.m. reading and cleaning out my favorites. I have hundreds of bookmarks and some are for sites long gone. I'm going through to see which ones still work and if I'm still interested in the content. I use foxmarks and this is relatively easy with their Organizer. Just opens them in a page and I click, visit the site and update as needed. When I am done, I will synchronize and my book marks on any other computer I use with foxmarks will be updated. Cool.
I dressed about an hour ago and looked outside. Raining. Hair is pulled into a pony tail. I'm considering another cup of coffee. I had something for breakfast but don't remember... oh yes, a Jimmy Dean sausage, egg and cheese biscuit from the freezer, nuked to perfection. And coffee. Yep. Delish.....
I've been working on a chapter of Mist. Got four pages in as many days. Not good. Got to get out of this slump. I'm never going to finish one. Never. What was I thinking of to have four novels over 50,000 words each and none completed? I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. And November will roll around and I'll do another 50,000 and what? Yeah.
I'm reading a book by Kathy Reichs "Devil Bones". I like her books a lot. She also produces the television show "Bones". I like that, too. I'd started reading her long before the show began. She is a forensic anthropologist. I always liked Patricia Cornwell but once I read Reichs I found her books equally good and I like her character better than Scarpetta. I'm over three-fourths of the way through it and not a minute of boredom.
My aunt's blog is underway. I've got her a background from where they went to New Zealand. She made her second post today. She even has some new contacts. I think she is quite excited about this. She likes people and will enjoy the comments and reading your blogs. And she's learning a new thing and she likes that. It is why she is so young at heart. She just never stops doing things. Sometimes risky things! She got on the back of a pillow cushioned couch to clean blinds and fell off backwards. She considered the danger of breaking her neck and promptly climbed back up and promptly fell off backwards . . . again.
We have all pointed out that when you are 70 you can't go climbing on soft items to reach great heights. We've pointed out the fun a broken hip will be for someone as active as she. We've pointed out the down side to a broken neck for her as well as for us. I hope she is reading this. You are the only mother I have left. At this point in my life, I don't need further grief. She is great fun and a the most wonderful thing God ever put in my life. I do not remember a time when she wasn't there. I dare not. Despite her multitudinous efforts to curl my hair to my pain and misfortune and her total failure, she is just a great lady.
Did I tell you all I made a Google Gadget? I did! It goes on your home page! Daily Dixiegirl. You can get a quick link to this blog, and catch up on the short version of what is going on. LOL, not sure anyone is going to be that interested. Just couldn't resist the temptation to make something new. Now, if any of you create your own, let me know and I'll put it on my homepage!
I had that second cup of coffee and it was nice. I have to go now and get my meds from the pharmacy. I also have to take them. I hope all my American neighbors have a lovely 4th. For all my other friends, you don't know what you're missing! Well, maybe you do but if there is a celebration near you, join in. No one will know or care that you aren't American. We love a party with good food, good friends, and good music. You'll fit right in if you wear red, white, and blue and sing God Bless the USA.
I'll be back later, I'm sure.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
One More Breath
It would be nice to feel as if I was putting words here that meant something, that moved someone to anger, tears, laughter, or lofty ideals. I used to feel that what I wrote was fairly interesting and meaningful, that sometimes, what I was writing was important. Now, I feel I am simply filling up a page so I can keep up the appearance of blogging.
I've stopped taking the St. John's Wort for a bit. I was tired of the red skin and brown blotches that are appearing on my skin and I feel all right. No dark thoughts, no plunges into chilling flashbacks, no uncontrollable weeping or outburst. Just a kind of calm resignation. It feels like glass. Does that make sense? Shiny surface, clear, no streaks and through it a lovey view but hard, impermeable, brittle, and sharp. Right.
So, my words here fill a void. They take up space and make it seem less lonely. I'd like to be philosophical but I can barely spell the word. I've no idea how to actually be it. My idea of profound philosophy is "Life is hard. Then you die." But that has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
It is hard. You do die. The living suffer. It is over with the last breath and there is no sound like that last breath. And every thing you thought was important, that you couldn't live without, that you had to have, do, or see is blown away with that last breath. Every dream, hope, and desire is carried from the room on one breath. Suddenly, breath is more valuable than gold and more powerful than the force of lightening.
Breathe.
One breath separates you from eternity and everything that surrounds you becomes dependent on that vapor that you can't see. The sound of that last breath will haunt you the rest of your life.
One more breath.
Just one more breath.
I've stopped taking the St. John's Wort for a bit. I was tired of the red skin and brown blotches that are appearing on my skin and I feel all right. No dark thoughts, no plunges into chilling flashbacks, no uncontrollable weeping or outburst. Just a kind of calm resignation. It feels like glass. Does that make sense? Shiny surface, clear, no streaks and through it a lovey view but hard, impermeable, brittle, and sharp. Right.
So, my words here fill a void. They take up space and make it seem less lonely. I'd like to be philosophical but I can barely spell the word. I've no idea how to actually be it. My idea of profound philosophy is "Life is hard. Then you die." But that has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
It is hard. You do die. The living suffer. It is over with the last breath and there is no sound like that last breath. And every thing you thought was important, that you couldn't live without, that you had to have, do, or see is blown away with that last breath. Every dream, hope, and desire is carried from the room on one breath. Suddenly, breath is more valuable than gold and more powerful than the force of lightening.
Breathe.
One breath separates you from eternity and everything that surrounds you becomes dependent on that vapor that you can't see. The sound of that last breath will haunt you the rest of your life.
One more breath.
Just one more breath.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The End of a Long Week
I have to work tomorrow and then I am off for the holiday. I need it. It has been a long and difficult week for some reason. I've been up and down emotionally and I'm so tired I don't know what to do. I am about to turn in for the night but felt like I should just write something.
My journey through the valley of the shadow of death isn't, I suspect, over by a long stretch. Ant times, the shadows overtake me and I feel as if I've been pulled into that hole with Jerry. It is hard to escape that. I go to the cemetery now and then because I owe him that. He would not want to be alone. He loved being in the room with me. But each time I see his name etched in that stone it is as if it is etched in my soul. Each time I pull away in my car leaving him is unbearable. Don't say stay away. I can't do that. Jerry wouldn't stay away were I in that grave and he left behind. He wouldn't have left me had it been his choice.
I've spent the last several days wondering where I go next. I suspect the exhaustion has something to do with it. I can't understand why I am so very tired all the time. I've taken my meds early tonight and probably am feeling them so I'll go to bed but I'd like to have enough energy after work to do some enjoyable pursuits once in awhile.
I got the estimate on having the trees removed. You remember I ran into an old friend at Rural King and he is in the tree removal business. He came by on Monday and gave me an estimate. A very conservative estimate to remove not just the two but two more that have to come out. It is still a lot but probably half of what he could have charged. In two weeks he and his crew will come back and remove all the dead trees. There are three that are dead and one that is just in the wrong place. It was a hedge that got out of control and is now a tree!
I hope this weekend I will be able to relax. We are planning on going to the riverfront and watch the fireworks celebration. I was looking forward to it but the closer it gets the less excited I become. This was a family event for us. Sarah shared it the last two years and this year, Jerry will not be there to see her excitement.
Good night all. I can't do anymore tonight.
My journey through the valley of the shadow of death isn't, I suspect, over by a long stretch. Ant times, the shadows overtake me and I feel as if I've been pulled into that hole with Jerry. It is hard to escape that. I go to the cemetery now and then because I owe him that. He would not want to be alone. He loved being in the room with me. But each time I see his name etched in that stone it is as if it is etched in my soul. Each time I pull away in my car leaving him is unbearable. Don't say stay away. I can't do that. Jerry wouldn't stay away were I in that grave and he left behind. He wouldn't have left me had it been his choice.
I've spent the last several days wondering where I go next. I suspect the exhaustion has something to do with it. I can't understand why I am so very tired all the time. I've taken my meds early tonight and probably am feeling them so I'll go to bed but I'd like to have enough energy after work to do some enjoyable pursuits once in awhile.
I got the estimate on having the trees removed. You remember I ran into an old friend at Rural King and he is in the tree removal business. He came by on Monday and gave me an estimate. A very conservative estimate to remove not just the two but two more that have to come out. It is still a lot but probably half of what he could have charged. In two weeks he and his crew will come back and remove all the dead trees. There are three that are dead and one that is just in the wrong place. It was a hedge that got out of control and is now a tree!
I hope this weekend I will be able to relax. We are planning on going to the riverfront and watch the fireworks celebration. I was looking forward to it but the closer it gets the less excited I become. This was a family event for us. Sarah shared it the last two years and this year, Jerry will not be there to see her excitement.
Good night all. I can't do anymore tonight.
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