May Update

May arrived with showers instead of flowers. I hate this weather. I have nothing noteworthy to mention and to repeat a litany of my aches and pains will bore you. I'll spare you this month.

Plans for May:

•     Get back to the gym.
•     A trip to St. Louis Zoo may happen as well. Madi is coming to see me and we may run over there. 
•     Go South for a few days at least, maybe to Atlanta and then to the Gulf. 

Fingers crossed on that last one. I need some sun and some warm weather. I could also use some warm sand against my feet. 

I'm fairly disgusted with all my writing attempts. I've been unwell for most of 2020, and the start of 2021 does not bode well. I'm so tired of being sick, tired, and in pain. Bad enough to feel bad but the exhaustion that comes with autoimmune disease is simply miserable and hard to bear.

Mike has started his third week of employment with Amazon. I'm so proud of him for stepping out and doing this. If you have read this blog, you know he has some medical issues and some learning issues that make it hard for him to employ. And finding employers willing to work with his hearing problems and learning problems is very difficult. They usually just fire him rather than trying to work with his situation. This driving job seems to be designed for him. Prayers for him in this job. 

Sarah is in Ohio. I no longer get to see her unless I go there, but they have no place for us to stay and I can't afford hotel rooms. I get messages from her now and then, but that's all. I'm trying to ignore the intense pain it causes me. I thought it would be different that when she was in Arkansas, but it isn't. 

I have been doing the housework better. I found a video on YouTube that showed me an exercise for my lower back that really seems to help. It isn't a cure, but it helps lessen the pain. It also clarified for me, where the pain is located. My SI joints seem to be the problem =  sacroiliac joints.

I'm trying to watch my diet again. I lost 20 lbs last year before Covid lockdown. I gained it back plus. Going barefoot aggravated my plantar fascitis, so I now have to wear shoes constantly. But I can walk again. Another good reason to get back to the gym. 

For several months, I've been cleaning out rooms and closets, but I haven't gotten rid of nearly enough junk. I'm considering storming a room at a time and emptying it and then putting only necessary items back in it. I'll put everything in boxes and then decide what goes to charity or the dump. It would make it easier in the event I actually decide to sell the house. I keep thinking it is the best solution now. I have nothing left to hold me here.

That's May in a nutshell, I think. I am trying harder to come in and update this blog regularly. It seems I've lost my desire to write much of anything. I find life more pain than not and no one wants to be bombarded with reports of that all the time. 

If you're still a reader of this blog, thank you. And I'm sorry if you get tired of my whining. We all want to be heard, especially when we're in pain. When I look back over this blog, I see there has been a lot of pain. And loss. And I'm no hero. 

Have a good week and be blessed. While you're at it, bless someone else.

A Pie to Die For

From 1977 to 1979 we lived in Frankfurt, W. Germany (Now unified.) We visited a minister/military family named Shrum with some friends. It must have been some kind of special event, but I remember little but meeting them. 

Anyway, Sister Shrum gave me a pie recipe while I was there. I made it many times when we first came home to the states, and Jerry loved it. As with all things, I stopped making it and forgot about it. I have looked for that recipe for years with no success. 

This week, I searched through some letters from my time in Germany. I wondered if they contained anything of interest since I wrote home nearly daily during my pregnancy to close family members, but they were rather trivial. 

However, in all the trivia pregnancy stuff was a single gem: the recipe! I thought it would be fun to share it here. I don't know what happened to the Shrums. The military is like that, too. You make friends, move, and lose them. I tried to keep up with many of them, even have a letter or two in there to some others. No idea if I got answers.

So, here is the pie recipe. Warning: This pie is tart, sweet, and high calorie, but oh, so delicious!

1 graham cracker crust. (9 in)

1 can Eagle Brand sweet condensed milk

1 4 oz container of Cool Whip (don't think they make 4 oz anymore but you can measure)

1 6 oz can of Minute Maid Limeade, Lemonade, or Orange Juice.

Combine milk and one can of Minute Maid (any flavor you want) . 

Add Cool Whip and blend well by hand.

Pour into crust and chill until set firmly. 

That's it. The lemon and lime were my favorites. If you try it, come back and let me know how it turns out. I wondered how it would work with cream cheese, but I will not attempt it. I live alone and this pie would be the death of me.

#pie

#recipe

#minutemaidpie

April Came Smiling In

April arrived with much nicer weather, although she's a little fickle about it. Still, it is nice to have sunshine and warmer air. Today was almost too warm but I'll take it as it is. 
 

I haven’t got back to the gym. I planned to go back by May 1, but I want to go now. After the pain problems with my legs, I afraid to go too soon. Today, a walk around the yard to clean up trash from aliens, I struggled to do it. I dragged a trash bag around. It wasn’t heavy, but you’d have thought I was trudging uphill with a 50 pound pack. I couldn’t hardly walk the yard. It really is scary for me. I’m unsure what to do, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!

Sarah hasn’t been since her last dental appointment. I miss her so much, but I’m pretty sure she won’t visit unless she is at her Mom’s. It’s about choices. She calls once in a while, when she can be on her phone. And a text here and there. No photos, though. 

It’s been over a year since I saw my family in Georgia. As soon as I can, I’m going down for a visit. If that goes well, I’m going to Florida to see my family there. Don’t know where I’ll stay, but I have a tent and am not above borrowing a yard somewhere. 

Writing hasn’t been happening. I did eek out a bit here and there, but it feels as if my brain has just gone on holiday some place drab and boring. When I searched for some files on my computer a few weeks ago, I found that I have 5 unfinished novels about the same town and a family of sisters! I’ve spent some time since trying to put them in order time wise and writing here and there to finish them. Five! That’s just ridiculous. The trouble with NaNoWriMo is that you don’t finish one before it is time for the next one. I was in charge locally for nearly 10 years. This is the result. 

I can only hope I can finish them, but with my mind and body subject to this blinding fatigue, I have little hope. 

Oh, I went to church for the last two weeks! So exciting! I so missed it, and I can’t tell you how great it was to go back. 

I’m going to close out this post and see about food. I’m not sure what I want, but I need to eat something. I hope you’re all doing well. 

#prowritingaid

#april

#lifeontheledge

My March Catch-Up

 Life is moving on at a steady pace. Already it is the 6th of March. I feel like the world is in chaos but I've kept my windows and doors closed and banned all news except the occasional glimpse of a paper or a comment from someone who says, "did you hear about". My response is usually "No." 

I can trust both my sons to inform me of newsworthy events, the youngest more so than the older. Well, actually my oldest son reports on local events while my younger is very political and reports on national or global events. So, I'm as informed as I want to be. I see some things on Facebook but have limited myself to only small news agencies not affiliated with the network news. 

For the moment, I'm doing better. I don't know if I've posted about the problems I've had walking. In a nutshell, I couldn't walk without extreme pain in the back of my legs - hip to heel. It became impossible to move around the house for more than a few feet, and carrying anything was agony. 

A few weeks ago I remembered I have Plantar Fasciitis and wondered if that could be a factor. I researched and eureka! It could. I put on my shoes and 24 hrs later; I was walking without pain. This week I bought new shoes because they don't sell house shoes with heels. I have to wear a heel with my PF. Now I'm walking fine. 

Today the house is relatively clean, the cats are relatively happy, and I'm not so tired I can't do anything. My fatigue is compounded lately by changes to my BP meds, I believe. After I take them, I almost always have to go to bed and sleep for two hours. 

I haven't been writing as I'd like. Too much fatigue and I run out of spoons by the time I get done with my daily chores. By May I must be ready to get back to the gym or cancel my membership. I put it on hold because of my leg pain. I really hope I can go back before May, but I want to be sure I've allowed my legs to heal enough to prevent further injury.

Until then, I'll just keep being careful. I went and bought better shoes to wear inside. Not a house shoe, but a pair of Skechers that are stretchy and have a support for my foot. They're just for inside, though I forgot and kept them on the other day to run to the store. They're so comfy I forget them. 

And that's the way it is, March 6, 2010. Not much in the way of excitement. Do take care of yourselves and have a good weekend.

Just Breathe

 It occurred to me a few weeks ago that for the first time in 12 years I wasn't dragged into a pit of memories and grief over the course of November, December, and January. I admit it was a surprising realization. 

When the journey began, more like a train wreck than a journey, they told me the average time to recover from the death of a spouse was about 6 years. Obviously, I am an underachiever. I took twice as long. I can only attribute that to the accompanying PTSD that resulted from my experience. 

Maybe you could have done better. Maybe you know someone who did. I'm truly happy for them. I wish.

It took me a bit to understand what was going on with me. Apparently, my brain doesn't release trauma as easily as other folks do. I have memories from my childhood that can destroy my day in an instant. I've controlled this stuff over the years, but not without extreme efforts. Jerry's death nearly destroyed me, and even today, I don't handle stress with the same ease I once did. I break easily now, something that shocks my closest family members when it happens.

And I still have days when a memory can pop up and just wreck my composure. I sit and cry but it isn't the soul shredding of early days and the intense sadness that follows, I can cope with. 

Am I "over it"? No. That won't happen. I remember all the times I should have been nicer, more understanding, not taken part in an argument, and said "I love you" more. I remember every moment of the last 24 hours of his life. And I can't think about it. Ever. It is a nightmare I try very hard to avoid at all cost, sometimes failing. I remember the sound of his wedding ring striking the post of the headboard of our bed as he struggled with a massive coronary, and the deathly silence that followed. For months I heard that sound. And if I try very hard, I can still hear it. Just writing these words makes it hard to breathe. 

Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe!

The cliche is that time heals all wounds. Maybe. I'm not sure. I carry massive scars that no one but I can see. And believe me, they are deep and painful. I often ask myself if I'll ever stop hurting from it. I have no answer to that. Some folks find a new spouse in a few years. I haven't even considered it. I've met death once, up close and personal. He won that fight. The next time, maybe I'll win and Jerry will walk me home.

For now, I just try to breathe.