All or None

"Parents Call Cops on Teens" I found this story amusing in some ways. But I also found it stupid. What a stupid bunch of parents. 

See, I don't like the idea of banning books. It isn't because I don't think there are some books that are trash and should be burned. Should never be published, in fact. I do think there is material out there that should be tossed on bonfires. But I'm opposed to anyone telling another person what to read, watch, listen to, or think. The only exception I make to the material that denigrates human beings, women and children in particular, into objects of abuse. These come from sick, twisted minds and have no place in any civilized society.

There are materials on the market - books, movies, magazines, songs, programs that I find very offensive and believe should not be out there. But I have no right to try and stop someone who wants that from seeking it out. I don't like it but I have no say in their choices. 

There are people who are actively trying to ban all Christian literature, television programing, movies, and radio programs. I'm a Christian and I'm threatened by that. No one has a right to prevent me from seeking out those things and reading, watching, and listening to them.

If you seek a righteous society it must be obtained by choice, not by force. In an equal society, that is balanced and just, you must allow people to choose between good and evil. Joshua said, "Choose you this day whom you will serve. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." He didn't make the choice for them. He gave them the choice. Their choice could result in separation from the nation. He knew that. His choice was clear. Theirs was up to them. He turned his back and walked into the Promised land. I doubt he looked back to see who followed.

You need to be teaching your children from the time they are toddlers what is that good reading material and what is garbage. I remember when my youngest son, David came and told me some adolescent books he'd requested were inappropriate for him to read. He was 13. I didn't tell him. He told me. And he tossed them, the whole set that he'd requested as gifts or had bought with his own money. His daughter has been watching t.v. shows and on occasion will say, "Mawmaw, I don't think this is appropriate for me to watch." She's seven. We turn it off or change the program.I don't watch much t.v., particularly children's programing since my sons grew up. I take her word for it because she's been taught. 

We live in a nation predicated upon free speech. And you can't have it both ways. Either it is free to all or it is free to none, no matter how much I dislike the other side, no matter how much they dislike mine. 

False Impressions

I was talking with my Aunt Phillis this weekend about something while we were in the car. She and my uncle were visiting from Atlanta for the weekend. Something was said about King David. I don't remember what but she told me about how everyone seemed to paint David as such a good man when in fact, he was a terrible man. He stole another man's wife. I laughed at her but the realization struck me that it was true. Not only was he an adulterer but a murderer. He arranged the death of the woman's husband. That's pretty awful when you think about. But the Bible calls him a man after God's own heart. 

I pointed out to her that not only did it seem that David was painted better than he actually was, Bathsheba, the woman he lusted after, was made to sound like a victim. Go back and read the story. There isn't much said about her but when I read it I feel like she was taken advantage of. The truth is she was a participant. 

I hear some of you now saying, "She had no choice! He was the King!" 

Hogwash. She could have said no. She could actually have gone to the elders and complained or to the priest. She could have raised a huge stink. There were things she could have done to draw a lot of attention. There were people who would have been thrilled to publish the news. But when summoned, she went, took off her clothes, and had sex with the King. She went home, continued to bathe on her exposed rooftop, and when she became pregnant, she moseyed over and told David. Do not tell me she didn't know she could be seen by anyone in the palace. She lived close enough to the palace that she knew exactly which windows the king spent time looking out. When her husband came home, to be set up as the illegitimate child's father, she kept her mouth shut. She never cried rape, a heinous crime punishable by death. So was murder.

I don't believe she was afraid of the king. I think she saw an opportunity and she took it. I believe this because when it came time for David to step down, due to his health, she pranced into the King's quarters, where his current concubine lay in the bed with him, and told him that one of his son's was trying to usurp the crown and David had promised her that "her son" would be the next King of Israel. David promptly crowned Solomon. No arguments from him.

Tell me she didn't have that in mind all along. Hogwash. She was an adulteress and a liar and a co-conspirator in the death of her first husband. She was not nice. She was not a victim. But do you ever get that opinion of her from anyone teaching on this story? No.

So, why is it that David is a man after God's own heart? My aunt and I agreed that the reason was because he recognized when he had sinned. He sincerely repented and actively attempted to right his wrongs. He accepted his punishment without flinching. And he was punished several times. When it was all said and done, he kept God sovereign and accepted whatever came at the hands of God, even if it harmed him. And because of those traits, God favored him. Not because of the wicked things he did, but because of the sincerity of David's repentance.

I don't really know why David and Bathsheba are painted they way they seem to be in all the Sunday School lessons and sermons I've ever heard. That impression of them is completely false. I am interested in why, just now, I see them in a whole new light. They weren't a good man making a single mistake or a woman victimized by a king. Their actions were inexcusable. They were overtaken in not one fault but several. As a result a man died and a child died and events that followed were irrevocably altered. Had they not done what they did, Solomon would never have been born and Israel would have taken a completely different path. Not one life changed, but a whole nation. 

The Age of Grace

I was reading a post by my writing buddy, A Writer Called Wanda about the aging process. She told a story about aging gracefully and it reminded me of my great aunts and my grandmother. 

I grew up surrounded by these wonderful women who I just thought were all beautiful, genteel, dignified Southern ladies. They knew how to dress and they spoke so sweetly and seemed so content and did things. They were great fun to be around and they all laughed a lot, lovely lady-like laughs but genuine laughter all the same. I just loved to see them and I wanted to be like them when I got old. 

I'm there and I've come to realize that maybe I did them a disservice. They made it look so easy and I thought it would be. I've started to think I did something wrong. It isn't easy. I'm grumpy and intolerant and annoyed by people. 

I know their life stories but didn't think about the issues they might have dealt with when I was young as being issues. I do now. In hindsight, which is always crystal clear, they had to deal with the same kind of problems I deal with - illnesses, children, jobs, spouses, war, death - and yet they seemed to be so ... together. So, I'm now asking, how did they do it?  And how do I come out at the end with the same dignity they had despite the problems they had to deal with? I am nothing like those wonderful ladies and it upsets me because they were the ideal. My ideal. 

I think the difference is in our expectations. Their whole outlook on life and what it was all about was totally different from this generation. They lived through the depression and scarcity. Through struggles I've never and will never experience when they were young. The world was different and people's brains were wired differently. They lived a different lifestyle. There was no handouts. It was do or die. So they did. They became strong and courageous women capable of building airplanes or spending hours in sewing plants making shirts or hoeing in fields to grow their own food. As they grew older they knew that aging is inevitable, but aging with grace and style is a choice. 

 I'm a wimp. I had superheros for aunts. 

A Light in the Dark

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I heard something today in a movie I was watching. The character said, "God won't put more on you that you can bear." It reminded me of the time after Jerry died. People were trying to give me comfort and for some reason they think a hug and that Biblical reference helps. 

First off, it doesn't help. Secondly, it isn't a Biblical reference. There is no place in the Bible that says God won't put more on you than you can bear. Really. It isn't there. Not anywhere at all does it say you'll be delivered from any burden you can't bear. And nowhere does it say your burdens won't kill you. 

No, it doesn't.

Really.

So why do people say "The Bible says God won't put more on you than you can bear"? I've thought about this a lot, as you can see. When I kept hearing it from all these people trying to help me, it suddenly dawned on me that I had no point of reference for that "verse". And if you asked anyone, they'd simply tell you it was "in the Bible". So I looked. And was confounded. It wasn't there. Why would people say it was there when it clearly was not? I came up with a couple of things.

1. Because they don't pay attention. 
2. They make their own interpretation. 
3. They repeat what they hear everyone else say without verifying the truth of it.

Honestly, #3 is probably the only reason but I'm being charitable. Here is what the apostle Paul actually says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 - "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able: but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it."

Now, you can argue the point all day long but that doesn't say God won't put more on you than you can bear. What it says is that when faced with temptation, you are given the ability, no matter how bad the temptation, to escape it. You can walk away from any temptation. It doesn't say it will be easy but it says he will make a way for you to escape the temptation, that you may be able to bear it. And out of that last clause comes a whole new scripture that means something entirely different.

I can buy the idea that you can't be tempted more than you can bear. That makes perfect sense to me. Every negative action you take, you make a conscious choice to either continue or turn away. It may be a hard decision to turn away, but you can do it. We are gifted with very strong wills. We might struggle with the decision to move away from temptation but we can do it.

But temptation has nothing to do with the burdens we bear in life, except the wrong decision creates some of the burdens we bear. And for every burden you create, you will bear it. Some of those burdens just might be more than you can carry. They might even kill you. 

Other verses clarify this burden bearing thing even further. Galatians 6:4-5 says: "But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone and not in another. For every man shall bear his own burden."

See that? Doesn't say anyone will bear them for you nor does it say they won't be more than you can bear. And if you read further, you get a very interesting connection. "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." You create your own burdens and you get to carry them. That's the implication of "reap". You sow tiny seeds. You reap bountiful harvests. Hosea 8:7 says, "For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind." You are going harvest a big burden.

Galatians 6;2 says, "Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." So, not only do you have to carry your own junk, but you have to carry other people's! Again, it doesn't say that the burdens won't be more than you can handle. Not anywhere.

So, don't assume God is going to remove burdens. I can tell you from personal experience that he does not. Jesus would tell you the same thing. "Father, if thou be willing remove this cup from me: nevertheless, not my will but thine be done." Luke 22:42 They crucified him. You think you have problems?

Sometimes people refer to another quote by Jesus. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matt. 11:28-30. 

Please note that he did not say he'd take your burden from you. A yoke is something used to assist in carrying heavy loads. It doesn't change the load. It just shifts the weight. He said he'd give you "rest for you soul". You're still carrying the same burdens, and it may be easier at times, but you can sit down and rest under the shelter of his arms.

Now, if you asked me how to do that, I can't tell you. Really. I have no idea. I'm being truthful here. See, I know God is real. I know He loves me. I know He has provided for me. But the burdens I carry have nearly crushed me and sometimes I get very confused by that. I ask God, often, "Are you trying to kill me? Do you want me dead? Cause I'm dying and if you do, there's easier ways." Really, I've had this conversation with God. Really.

But the burdens are still there. I see no point and no purpose to Jerry dying. I exercised and stayed fit for years and I'm nearly crippled some days and in agony of pain I can't stop. I carry other burdens that I see no good in. I get angry because I've carried them so far and so long and I'm so tired.

Sometimes there are good days. The road is sunny and level. I rest but then I reach a mountain and the weight become so heavy. Sometimes life is all uphill.  

Don't ask me how to fix the burdens. I don't know. I can say for certain that there are people placed in my path that lift my spirits, pray for me, send me emails, call me, taken me to lunch, given me a card, a gift, a hug, or a smile. The load is still heavy but I was able to rest in the light they shed. 

So, the next time you want to comfort someone suffering beneath a heavy load, don't utter that stupid lie. The burdens they carry may very well be too heavy for them. They may be dying beneath the load. We are to attempt to save the lives of those crushed beneath loads too heavy for them. You may be the person who carries the light in the darkness they travel. Sometimes light is all you need for the journey.

It's a Ledge But It Isn't Life

As I leaned against the bathroom wall this morning I don't think I've ever been so close to wishing I was dead. I don't ever put that into words anymore. I think we've all done it at some point in our lives, when we were young and didn't really see the value of life. We were stupid and just said what popped into our heads. But I stopped saying things like that a long time ago. Words have power. 

Today, I'm close. The pain is in every joint. Nothing is helping. I spent the next several hours lying in a chair trying to sleep. 

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five days like this. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five hours. I've tried to figure out what I did to deserve this kind of torture, because it is torture. It feels like your joints are being cooked from the inside, slowly. The cramps in my legs from the knee pain make lying down uncomfortable. And my neck, while it may look ok, is not. I can't sit in certain positions, like reading or crochet angles, so I'm constantly shifting for something that minimizes the pain and doesn't make my neck and shoulder go numb. I'm not reading or crocheting these days for more than minutes. That spreading numbness is very scary.


I've looked for all kinds of answers and I'm pretty tired of the effort. I really don't want to do it anymore. I've finally realized that there are no solutions. None.

What is even more frustrating is that I can't seem to get anyone to understand that there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. It is like talking to three year olds. They either think, because I'm up walking around that I don't have a problem or because I managed to get to work, I must be o.k. People seem to refuse to believe there isn't some magic potion to make you better. There isn't.

And I have to say when you are in pain, people tend to say the stupidest things, as if you haven't frantically searched for something that will help you. Yes, I know they mean well. Yes, I understand they are upset by my state. Yes, I do appreciate it. But to spare me any further pain of dwelling on the hopelessness of it please educate yourself on my disease. Google the hundreds of pages I've Googled. 

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" No.I can't afford it and they can't do anything anyway.

"Did you take something?" No because there is nothing else I can take. I am allergic to an ingredient they put in the medicines to treat the disease. That allergy will kill me if I take it.

"Can you call your doctor?" No. My doctor knows my condition and nothing has changed.

"What about .....?"  NO!

"Or .....?" NO!

"Maybe if you ...." NO, NO, NO!

Stop it already. 

Believe me when I tell you that in the middle of the worst pain, I've sat sobbing over Google looking for something that will fix it. I've read medical reports and articles, I've talked to other people with the disease. I've researched alternative medical sites. I've read junk science. It can't be fixed. There is nothing I can take. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing you can do. There is no place to go, no one to see, and no one to talk to about it. You can't help me. I can't help me. The doctor can't help me. 

So, I leaned against the wall, waiting for the water to get hot and said, "This isn't living. This is living death. And I don't want to do it."

I was surprised I meant it.