Excitement Builds

   NaNoWriMo is coming! Five weeks and one day or 36 days. Already I'm getting the emails in my inbox. The excitement will only build from here. And wonder of wonders, I have an idea already! I dreamed it last night. Well, I dreamed and when I woke up I knew it would make a great plot for NaNo. I'm going to do some serious plotting in October, I hope, I hope. Already I have some idea to do an outline in my yWriter.

So, you NaNoWriMo friends, start your engines! Pick up your pens, laptops, or get thee to a terminal. It's coming.

(I wanted to use the Jaws sound track here but don't think I can from email postings.)

Liberating the Trash

I can't believe how much junk we accumulate and how many tools! I mean, I must have found a few dozen drill bits. I think what would happen is he'd buy them and once used he'd lie them down in a box and then couldn't find them in that mess out there. He'd buy another set. I found a brand new set, unopened! But where's my drill? I think Dave may have it. I hope so.

We hauled out several items that were remodel related but that I do not think will be usable. And I really just want the mess gone. I still have some wood in the back but I'm waiting because if scraps are needed there are there. There is also some molding that we used in the den for the trim and I will need matching stuff to finish it. But the rest? We'll see but I suspect in the spring I'll finally be shut of it all.

Mike took the new weed trimmer, which is not a very good one to me, and did some of the trim around the yard. And he hauled the old fence poles from the top of the old chain link fence to the street. A guy just stopped and said he wanted them. Fine by me. One man's junk...

O.k, got to go give the boy a haircut. He's been patient and long suffering... for a while to hear him moan about it. I may be back later.

It feels good to throw things away. I'm not sure why.

Beautiful Saturday

I'm on my way out to have lunch with Mike. I just finished doing two months of bank statements. Thank goodness I'm so anal about keeping track of my spending. I'd have probably been in a mess. LOL, but I only had a few items I had failed to enter. The fudge from my disastrous attempt at a solo holiday. A couple of small payments I'd made via phone also were missing. I hate doing those kind of payments for that reason. If I'm not where I can make a not and put it on the desk, I forget it.

Anyway, Mike and I are headed out and he will come help me clear the garage again. I hope to get a lot of stuff disposed of this weekend. I'm going to get rid of stuff in the house too, I think. I have tons of books I think I probably should get rid of. I never touch them anymore and they are just taking up space. That's foolish but it is very hard for me to get rid of books.

The day seem lovely and at noon it is 73F. That's awesome! Back later to fill you in.

The Knobe Effect | Futility Closet

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People vote based on such skewed logic.

When Garden Gnomes Attack

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I'm probably going to look for this. Be sure and view the video on this page. LOL!

Einstein's theory of relativity works on a human scale: the higher you are, the faster you age - Telegraph

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I'm fascinated by such stories. Perhaps this is why those beach bums seem eternally young?

It Friday in the state of Indiana!

I'm glad. As a result, I woke less dreadful. LOL, that is a state worse than depression.

Please pray for Sarah. I got a call last night she'd had to go to the hospital. She is in Kentucky with her mother visiting relatives. My caller was her other grandfather. He said she has a blockage in her intestines. I'm hoping he meant she was impacted. Dave called me later and repeated his words and said she had a UTI. I haven't talked to Becca so have no idea if that is correct. They gave her mother a scrip for antibiotics for the UTI and told her to give her apple juice for the other. So that sounds like constipation.

Anyway, pray for her please. You all know I worry myself sick over her.

I'm stiff this morning and achy. I had a headache all afternoon yesterday and last night. Went right to sleep when I turned the lights out at about 10:45 so I should be rested.I'm not exhausted but one never knows. Just have a pain in my neck, knees hurt a bit, hip is painful. My feet bothered me a bit when I got up but are a bit better. My lower back is just awful. I know it is from sitting all afternoon in that training but I can't help it.

No, I'm off to the mines to dig the endless hole from which there are no gold nuggets or diamonds.

Kopi Returns!

To my NaNo friends of the Smoking Pen forum: Kopi popped in and is alive, although not exactly well. But she's back!

Writing for Dollars

I actually have a book called that. They made about $15 off me.

For my writing friends.. a friend sent me this link. I share it freely. Go ye and do likewise.

Newsweek - Who Needs a Publisher

Incidentially, the guy who was selling 4000 of his books a month? If he was charging $2.99 each he was making $11,960 a month!

Let's get writing, ladies!

MIddle of . . . .

That implies that something is halfway. That's be a nice thought if the something is unpleasant. My faith is strained these days and so I doubt that anything is at the halfway point. And some things you would probably not want to be halfway done.

I got up when the clock went off at 6:30. Back hurts but not miserably so. Knees are minor. Neck... maybe that's minor, too.

I've discovered several seeming truths. Everything hurts all the time at varying degrees. Also, sometimes pain in my heart and mind hurt far worse than any physical pain I could have. There is a correlation between that pain and the other pain and sleep. This is a thing I can't fix apparently.

I am trying to get my sleep back on track because for some reason it got out of sync again. I don't know how. Probably didn't sleep well at some point and I didn't realize it for what it was and let it go too long. Could have been when I was having the panic attacks and had several sleepless nights. Months ago I was doing pretty good and felt fairly well most days, with bouts of severe pain.

I think, and think is the operative word here, I think my brother(s) is(are) coming up to remodel my bathroom. He does brilliant work. And I could pay him to do it and I don't think he'd charge me what these yahoos are wanting for it. If I can cut corners somewhere and still get the quality material and workmanship that'd be really good. My brother, the second boy, is a brilliant builder. His work is beautiful. I've never been able to get him to come up but it is a long way. So, pray about this for me.

It is a gloomy day. I see sunlight but not very bright. It is getting up later than I am these days. And going to bed earlier. Winter is crouching at the door. I dread the utility bills. They are already raised again. I do not see how this company can do this every six months. People will be homeless because of it. It is simply criminal. My bill this past month was $160. I'm not home 8 hrs a day. I keep the temp when I am home on 76-77. It is on 80 when I'm not here. No light run but those in my room. I don't watch television except on the computer. I take one bath a day of about 15 minutes. I don't cook.

I'm going now to get breakfast and go to work. Today is move briefing and thankfully, I don't have to do it. Someone else is but I have to set up the equipment. Overhead projector, computer, and screen.

Midday Mood Meter

I started this in the middle of the day and have taken most of the afternoon, during breaks, to finish it. Can't say it is worth reading.

Had Chinese for lunch with Carolyn. We go to lunch practically everyday. We seldom go with anyone else. Are we snobs? I don't think so. It just played out this way over time. We're both the outspoken, "it is what it is" types. And we don't actually like a lot of drama in our work. So, we tend to do lunch.

Also, she lost her 30 yr old son in September '08 and Jerry died in January '09 so we've been company for one another during a difficult time. But we were friends before that.

I'm back at work now and wishing I could go home. I have problems coming out my ears and I don't want to deal with them. I've been reading the news about the "economic recovery" and how most of the people having problems with employment are the 50+ group. Sounds suspiciously like age discrimination to me. We're the most reliable when it comes to attendance and loyalty to the job and we're stable. But we're not employable? I hope they all know that everyone becomes 50 at some point? Needless to say, I'm not encouraged by this news. And it only breeds fear in an already fearful time. The economy is not better unless you're the president and congress and living on the high side of life. Those in the trenches are scratching and clawing to make it through the next utility bill. My utility bill was ridiculous. I'm not even home during the day and it wasn't appreciably lower than if I had been home. That's nuts. I shudder to think of winter.

I just wish money didn't matter so much. I was reading about Cuba this weekend and how broken their communist system is.They're trying new methods, still communist in nature but more along the lines of everyone trying to find ways to support themselves. It was laughable... raise rabbits to support your family. They want the benefits of capitalism without the freedom that requires. Communism didn't work but I have news for them. I suspect they've waited too late to come out into the market place. The arena for jobs and economic growth has moved out of this hemisphere.

I don't actually have anything to say and no news. I'm so bored with my life that it isn't even funny. Work, go home, shower, go to bed, try to read, try to write, watch t.v. go to sleep, get up and start over. No interaction with another human being. No companionable conversation, no shared jokes, no shared woes. I like solitude. I don't like isolation. There is nothing to do, no place I want to go. This is not life. I've said that before. It is not living. It is existence at the basic level.

There are not many days I can point to where I've been happy for a very long time and it is depressing when I think about how utterly miserable I sound on the blog. I don't WANT to sound this way. I don't want to BE this way. I can't for the life of me figure out how not to. I was thinking the other day that I should not post this stuff anymore but I'd be posting precious little if I stop! And sometimes it helps me to step back and look at it. Other times, I shake my head in annoyance at my own posts.

I feel as if I'm lost. I keep wandering down these corridors, checking doors and windows, only to find brick walls behind them. I back track and take the other hall only to find another dead end. I simply can't get out. It is frightening and frustrating all at the same time. Will I ever get out? Is there a way out? Sometimes I'd just like to sit down and not get up. I get tired of searching for something that probably doesn't exist. A door to the outside world. Sunlight.

Hopelessness. That's the word. Living without hope. But I must have some or I wouldn't keep shuffling along these hallways looking for a door. Maybe that's desperation. Feels like it.

It Is Only Tuesday!

Woke to terrible pain in my hips, both but mainly the right. Bursitis is really not getting better and I will need that shot. Means missing work.

Fibro is hanging around in the wings, not too bad but not gone. I'm finding that shoulder is probably a combo of Fibro and arthritis. Medicine applied to it helps overall pain in it a lot but when touched it still hurts. So, combo. I would like fries with that.

Overwhelming sadness when I got up. But then, I wasn't great after the lights went out. My grandmother said if you go to bed laughing, you will wake up crying. Well, I felt better when I got in bed but I certainly wasn't laughing when the lights went out. So, another cliche shot. What happens when you cry every night? Are you supposed to wake every morning laughing?

It is only Tuesday.

Afternoon Pickup

My friend and co-worker, Carolyn and I went to McDonald's for our break and had a sundae. We do this frequently during the week when things are getting stressful or we just want to get out of the building.

I am looking at 1 hr and 15 minutes till I can go home. I am going to have Mike come over and take some things to the street to dispose of them. I really want to just get ride of all the stuff in the garage I'm never going to use or need. So, since trash pick up is on the 27th, I am piling it on the street.

Doug emailed me. He is missing the writing group, too, and asked if we could meet next Thursday. He said even if the rest of the group didn't want to, he'd like to meet. I told him to go for it, that I'd be there. We are both annoyed at the way the rest of them have just sort of gone silent on the subject. No one is willing to work around any schedule but their own. I know we are all busy but several of us changed our schedules in the beginning to accommodate the schedules of member spouses. Now members want the same courtesy and it is a problem. I missed months of an exercise class I was paying for to accommodate someone a spouse twice a month so he could play poker on our original meeting night. I finally dropped that class when they wouldn't change the meeting to another night. But I'm not going to be so flexible anymore. I'm one of those people who thinks you should have a day and stick to it. Schedule it on your calendar and if you can't make it now and then, just say so.

So, if all goes well, Doug and I and hopefully, some of the others will meet next Thursday. I really need that kind of fellowship. Doug mentioned looking for new members and I'm all for that as well. I'll do what I did before. Just pray for some nice, like minded folks. I do feel that the five of us were brought together and I still like them. Just annoys me when people become inconsiderate.

Ok, nuff of that peevish rant. I've got to get back to work. Still "miles to go".

The Down Side

I'm tired. There are no words to adequately express it so I'll just say I'm tired. I feel as if I could just lie down forever and not move. I lay on the sofa from around 10 a.m. until I went to bed at around 6 p.m yesterday. Then, lay on the bed until nearly 11. All I did was watch t.v. on the computer. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't nap because what I felt was not sleepiness. I was simply exhausted, too tired to sleep. And the emotional roller coaster simply made it worse.

Mentally, I'm somewhat functional but if opportunity arose, I might be able to nap today. But alas, one must continue shoveling in the mine. My pain is relative. I had back pain when I woke. Muscle pain, too. But they pale in comparison to the tiredness. I was late getting up this morning, too. I simply shut off the clock and didn't realize it for  45 minutes.

I promised myself I was going to try and stop focusing on all the negative stuff. I want out of the cursed tomb I seem to be trapped in. I keep digging but it seems as if I'm simply making it deeper and the weight is getting heavier. If I'm not able to even go away for a weekend without becoming a mass of used up flesh, I don't know how I'll manage. I can't be sick even one day for the rest of the year. Not one. I have nothing to use and I really don't want to spend my vacation time on this. I have three vacation days off in December. There are three freebies in November and three freebies in December. October 28 is my birthday and I get that off and I'm taking one day on the 29 because I'm keeping Sarah that weekend and having my aunt and uncle here for my birthday and my sister, Phyllis' birthday. They are a week apart and they always celebrate with us. So, sickness is not an option.

I really would like to have days where I wake feeling good again. Or at least no in so much pain or so tired. To wake up and have a day where I can do something that is productive. To be able to go places and laugh and go home with a good feeling about it. I can remember that. It was a long time ago but I do remember it.

Return

I returned home this morning around 10 a.m.

Saturday morning we had breakfast at the La Quinta Inn on Preston Bridge Hwy, in Louisville. I highly recommend this hotel if you are in the area. It was spotlessly clean, the rooms were beautiful and spacious, and the staff were just so friendly. If I have to go back over there, that's where I'll stay. They serve a buffet breakfast with things like eggs, biscuit and sausage gravy, juice, coffee, you can make Belgian waffles in about 2 minutes, fruit, pastries, milk, cereal. Really a nice set up.

We sat around in the morning sitting by the pool just reading, chatting and relaxing. It was cool so I didn't go in but just enjoyed the sunshine. The day was beautiful. We went to lunch at Chilli's where I had Chicken Crispers with french fries and corn on the cob. I've had this here in Evansville at Chilli's so I knew it was good. I followed that with the chocolate brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. Yummy. I was stuffed.

We went back to the hotel and they rested. I went down to the pool with my book. I swam a few laps, read a bit and warmed up, swam again, read some more, swam again and read some more. At four I went upstairs to dry my hair and get ready for the concert at 6. We left at 5 on a shuttle the hotel provides.

I spent the next six hours sitting and listening to quartets sing.  The music was very good but sitting so long was not very fun. I did get up a few times and go out so that helped. Unfortunately, there were many moment when I was miserable. I didn't expect that. Several groups sang songs that Jerry, my sister Phyllis, and I used to sing together. No, we weren't professionals. I sang in church growing up. When I married, Jerry sang with me. Then my sister moved close by and she joined us. People liked it and would ask us to sing. I don't think I was that good but they were both very good singers. Jerry was a tenor and Phyllis an alto who could also sing harmony. I tend to be a soprano but not the upper soprano. I have a mediocre voice but I love to sing. They made me sound better. Although, there are people who still ask me to sing. So, it must not be terrible.

Anyway, I was stressed the first two hours. Jerry and I had gone to this convention once, seven years ago. We were given the tickets because my aunt and uncle couldn't go and had already paid for them. We spent the weekend in Louisville and we really enjoyed it. That weekend kept roaring through my head. Once I saw a man standing in shadow several sections away. I had to look again because the stance was familiar. It was distressing. I was exhausted by the time it was over. We caught the shuttle back and were at the hotel by 11 I think. It was only about a 15 minute ride from our hotel to the convention center.

It is apparent that everything I do and every place I go is going to be unpleasant if it is something we did together or something I know he would have loved to do. I keep saying it will get better but I can't figure out how. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't shut off the memories once they start. I am at a point I don't really want to go anywhere and leaving on any trip is horrible. I got off Friday and once home I didn't want to leave. It was terrible trying to get out of the house and into the car on on the road. I cried for the first 50 miles. Struggled to stay focused the next 50 and thankfully that is the length of the trip.

I did enjoy visiting with my family. They are always fun to be around. I had a ot of back and hip pain too but the actually swimming helped the back. I can see I'm not much good for anything but sitting in the sun, reading, swimming and talking. Today, I'm exhausted but the fibro does that to me anyway. I've spent a lot of effort to maintain a facade and it takes a toll. By midnight last night, it was cracking. 

Arrival

I made it to the hotel in Louisville without any problems around 5:30 p.m. eastern time. The new tires are awesome. What a smooth ride! No bouncing and vibration due to separated belts. If you have never had separated belts, you won't know what I mean.

As you can see we have internet. Not wifi but I happened to have a cable in my bag. They would have given us one to use but why bother going down stairs when I travel with one.

We went to Steak & Shake for supper and came back to the hotel. Spent most of the evening chatting, reading, watching t.v. and playing with the computers. All three of us are tired but their ride was far longer than my two hours. It took them around 6 or 7. So they are exhausted. Already asleep, too.

So, they've has turned in and I'm on my way. Just wanted update you all. Tomorrow, not sure what is in store. Be nice to hit the pool for an hour or so. I may get up and do that after breakfast. It opens at 10. Have a good Saturday.

As the governor of California once said, I'll be back.

A Good Sleep and A Sad Story

I'm so much better today. Still think I have the cold but I am feeling a lot more rested! I went straight home from work and took a hot shower, dressed in my pj's and went to bed. Not sleep, bed. I lay and read for a short time. I had Dave come over and take my car to have a low tire aired. They visited for a short time and Becca put that medicine on my back and trimmed an inch off my hair. I have no idea why I wanted her to do it but I've lost so much hair it is becoming very difficult to do anything with it. I think the medicine has helped some of the back pain. But my neck... I don't know if there is much hope for that.

After they left, I went straight back to bed. I made two videos playing with my webcam. It does a lot of stuff. I went to the software website and found some additional things to download and messed around with those. That gave me a bit of a lift to my mood. Then I watched a show on Hulu called Wire in the Blood. Another British television show that I really like but it is a bit to violent at times. I love the Tony Hill character. He's just really brilliant. One that show was over, I put out the light and went to sleep. I had taken my medicine while I was watching the show so by the time it was over I was sleepier. I'm going to try again to take it around 8 and go to bed earlier. This morning when the clock woke me I knew I probably needed a couple more hours sleep but work was imminent.

One thing I've figured out is that if I don't wake up on my own, I've not had enough sleep. Remember the weeks and weeks I was waking up at five and six in the morning? I was rested and going to bed at a civilized hour. I just needed to shift that time a bit but hadn't figured that out. You would think by this age I'd know how to sleep, when to sleep, and how much to sleep. I feel like I'm in a foreign country. But I've had sleep problems so long it has never occurred to me I could fix it in any way. I've tried everything. Only now am I learning what works. I take the melatonin faithfully. How am I going to get that into the country if I go to England? LOL, Jilly said you can't get it there or was it controlled? I may have to get a script for it. But it works for me really well. That and the skelaxin muscle relaxant help me sleep. I just have to GO TO BED!

I saw that Jilly did a video this morning. I love it when she does them. I like listening to her chat and watching her laugh at herself. I always leave smiling. I think it is a great thing when people walk away smiling.

As I mentioned before, I'm so tired of living in the dark. I know that the only way to do that is change the way I look at things.

Today I was remembering a woman I once knew. She was a good friend of my mother and her mother had been a dear friend of my grandmother and a member of our church. She was a party girl. I mean the kind who dances on the tables at the bar while blind drunk and a different man a week. Brenda was a mess. In her forties, she met a man, Nathan, at a rodeo, a really good Christian man. They married and she cleaned up to the point you would not have recognized her had you been a bar buddy. She became such a wonderful person, with this positive outlook and astounding faith. Her whole life simply flipped on its head. She stopped the bars and drinking and men. Nathan became a dad to her little girl. They went around doing all kinds of really good things for people, they bought land near her mother, farmed, built a house, became the finest people in the church. They had fall festivals with hay rides and a party for the church every year. Everyone loved them. She was one of the happiest women I've ever known. I was amazed at how her life had turned around. They had maybe 10 years together.

We were in the military and stationed somewhere when I got a call that Nathan was dead. A couple in the church that they had befriended had bought a trailer. Nathan was under it, leveling it. The trailer fell on him, killing him. Brenda and their friend had to dig him out. I visited her shortly after the funeral. She was struggling to hang on and stay positive, to keep her faith. I told a lady in the church that I was worried about her. Remember this woman is my mother's age but I just adored her and knew her fairly well. She was trying too hard to be positive rather than grieve. I left feeling so sad for her and very worried. I returned home.

Later I was told she had stopped going to church. She moved away from the farm and no one knew where she was. Then, a few years later, while at another duty station, I got another call. Brenda was dead. She had moved in with a guy who was abusive. He blew her brains out. The coroner reported that she was so drunk she wouldn't have known what planet she was on. I was so devastated. She had lived her life in such a mess and had changed it completely to become the lovely woman with such joy and energy. Nathan had saved her. Had given her hope. She had placed all her faith in Nathan. And when he was taken, she had nothing to stand on, nothing to prop her up. She lost the home they built. She lost her faith. She lost her life. I remember thinking back then that she had put her faith in the wrong thing. She confused love and gratitude for faith. They aren't the same. When the supports were removed, she fell.

Today, I understand Brenda even more. I realized some time ago that I had leaned on Jerry in similar ways. My life was not the mess Brenda's had been so my rescue was not as profound. But I had a man very like Nathan. In the last year, I've realized how very much is missing and standing on my own feet is nearly impossible. I relied heavily on him, even when I was doing more and more, he was still the support I leaned on. When things got bad, he was still there. Around the end of this last year I had an experience that showed me why some women do stupid things during grief. I understand now why what happened to Brenda can happen to any woman suffering the loss of their spouse. Why misplaced faith is a futile effort.

I get angry at times for what I've lost. For not seeing my mistakes. For not being a better wife, mother, human being. I have to look in the mirror and see myself and I have to face who I am. I suspect when Brenda looked in the mirror she couldn't face herself. She lost herself. She walked away from everything Nathan had given her. She had a home that was paid for, a church family who adored her, a daughter who needed her, a mother who was dying that had asked for prayer over and over and over.  She saw none of that. She has so wrapped herself in another person that she ceased to exist and all she believed in was that person. He became her god.

Faith was not meant to be put in people. If you live for another person, you will either fail them or they will fail you...perhaps not intentionally. One of you will not be here forever. I grieve for Brenda even now. I grieve two wonderful lives lost but most of all, I grieve because Brenda lost far more than her life. And I understand how it happened. I could so easily allow the depression to overwhelm me, the panic attacks to destroy what little life I have left. I could get several drugs to numb my pain, dull my senses, sedate my mind. I could stop going to church and stop praying because there are days I haven't been able to see or hear or feel God or that he cares.

Or I can keep going. I can continually reestablish my faith in the God of my grandmother, not looking to man or woman to complete me and give me strength or make me happy. He hasn't left me during all of the darkness. There were many dark nights when I felt as if I were in that grave with Jerry but I always felt a presence, as if someone were holding my hand. That has never left me. Most of the time, I feel I do not deserve that presence. But I choose to hang on for dear life to that hand.

How Tired Can You Get?

I'm not sure I have an answer to that but I'd say at this point, pretty tired. I feel as if I'll fall over any minute. I still have two hours to go. I'm going to have to go home and go straight to bed and I hate that. I like to relax a bit in the evenings when I get home but tonight, I'm headed for the sack. I just hope I can sleep.

I'm totally out of sick time so I can't miss a day or I'll eat up vacation days. From now to January I don't want to be sick anymore. I would have 45 hours of sick time by Dec. 31 if I don't have to be out for any reason. {sigh}

Ugh, Bug

I'm decidedly under the weather. I think I have a cold and I'm terribly depressed on top of it. I had lots of pain yesterday and that is better today. I called Dave and Becca over for pizza last night, although I was exhausted. I needed the company.

As you recall Sunday night I'd had that near panic event, sounds much less violent than attack, and was up until nearly 3 a.m. and my pain was pretty bad the next morning when I got up. I stayed home but my doctor's office was closed yesterday so I didn't get a shot. I didn't go to bed as early as I should have last night but I was truly feeling miserable by bedtime. I was so tired I could not relax. And my neck is really hurting. Pain in other places is less this morning but I had Becca put some of the medicine I have for joint pain on my back, along my spine, to see if it helped. I think it did with some of it. I do have a headache now and feel very tired but I actually think I have a cold. My nose has been stuffy for days.

I'm really rather tired of all these aches and pains. And I'm tired of the blue feeling that is constantly with me. I don't think this is depression exactly but maybe it is. I am in the midst of a foggy period but I again think this is a sleep issue. I am sorely overdue for a real vacation where I leave my troubles behind. And I don't have my car die.

I am going out of town on Friday to spend the weekend in Louisville with my aunt and uncle who are attending a quartet convention. It is a short drive so it won't be too tiring and maybe the weather will be perfect so I can find a nice place to sit in the sun. I noticed since the weather and mosquitoes have been so crappy and kept me inside that I don't feel as well. Maybe I should spend the money on one of those mood lights. The evenings have been pleasant but the mosquitoes are absolutely horrendous if you go outside. I don't know what to do but they are bad.

Work is no so backlogged so I'm not buried at the moment and that's good. I just hate getting some things I processed back so frequently. I'm making far too many mistakes. And I thought I was checking carefully.

Must go now and get to working the mine. I hope you day is off to a better start than mine. There is a Midwest Writer's meeting tonight but I don't know if I'll go or not. I'm longing for bed time.

Typical Monday Following A Lovely Weekend

For me anyway. I had a mild panic attack last night and had to call Becca at midnight to talk to me. I listened to her until 3 a.m. I'm exhausted but the attack passed off for the most part. LOL, yes, she can talk that much and I don't know what I'd do without her. I want to smack her sometimes but she's a good daughter despite that. I love her.

I woke with pain in my neck, back, hip and knees! The hip is bursitis. I felt like an old lady. But I actually had a fairly good weekend despite knees that hated me. Sarah came on Friday night and I took her home after church last night. She was just a doll baby and we had the most fun all weekend. I was exhausted but had one of the happiest weekends in a while. I had one moment where I broke down. I was cleaning and picked up our family Bible and sat down to see what I had entered in it. I found Jerry's baptismal certificate where he was baptized when he came back from Italy. Sarah wanted to know what was wrong but I tried to refocus on something else... cleaning proceeded.

Sarah had no problem until bedtime Friday and Saturday night. Then, she whimpered a short time. She is a TERRIBLE sleeper. That child is all over the place. So my sleep probably wasn't the best. She's afraid of the dark and I have to leave a light on in the next room, too. But it worked itself out and I was so thrilled she stayed I didn't care about the light... or the small foot that seemed to find my ribs no matter which way I turned.

On Saturday night, her mother stopped by with clothes for her for church Sunday morning. Sarah acted as if she had not seen them in years but when offered the chance to go home she declined. However, at bedtime, you would not believe the garbage she came up with. She sobbed huge sobs with tears. "I miss my mama. I never get to spend any time with her. I love her so much. I didn't even get to kiss her or give her a hug." All of which was a blatant lie. I watched amazed and she did this for several minutes until I said, "You need to stop that crap, that's a bunch of garbage." The little stink started giggling and laughing so hard! I couldn't believe it. Then, she started it again, sobbing and with tears. I told her again it was garbage and to stop and she giggled again. We did this for about three times before she just stopped and settled down. What a drama queen! We have to nip that in the bud!

We had a grand time all weekend. We watched movies, played with the doll house, read stories, and went shopping. I bought her a memory game which she loved. So we are now getting to the game phase. I'm glad. Getting down to play dolls is hard work for those knees.

I am home today because I couldn't hardly walk and the panic attack left me emotionally wobbly. I'm going to call my doctor to see about a shot for my hip. I don't think they can do more for my joints than they are doing so I'll have to deal with that differently.

I hope you all have a great start to the week. I hope that I can have more weekends like this with less stress. I'm really tired of living in the dark all the time. I would like for life to be a little fun again. We did have some good times. I just keep missing them so much and I don't have any way to fix it. I'm still planning to take my vacation next year to see my friends in England. And I probably ought to start thinking about when and how long. I'm saving vacations days as much as I can. It will break my bank probably but this is something I am doing for me and maybe a little for Jerry. He would have loved to go with me.

I haven't been able to be outside much these last few weeks because the "mossie's" as Jilly refers to them have been horrendous. I came in one afternoon, after standing in the yard talking to someone for about 30 minutes, with dozens of bites. I counted over 25. I didn't realize I was getting bitten! I was scared to death I'd have a reaction to them like Jilly had or worse. We have had some cases in the past of West Nile virus here. I get terrified of the bites when I hear that.

So, I'm going now to call the doctor about the shot. I hate the shot. It hurts like the dickens but if it works, it will help me. Or I may call the pain management doctor. I've also had sciatica in my back for a couple of weeks. It is unusual because it is on the right side rather than the left but I think I'm walking out of alignment because of the hip pain and that is aggravating other things. Oh well, I had so much good over the weekend, I'm not going to allow other things to take that away.

All of you, again, have a great week!