The Bite of Bed Bugs

I've never seen a one, you know. Our house was always nice and clean. But lately, I've had my own version. Tonight is no exception. I just took my medicine about half an hour ago so I am hoping it will kick in soon.

I've been working on files this afternoon and tonight, between calls from my family. Both have been keeping me sane. I've found waiting too long between the medicine is not fun. I took a half one this morning so I could stay awake. But by noon, I knew I needed the other half. And I should have taken tonight's a bit earlier.

Around noon, I got a lovely card in the mail from a good friend who had also been at the funeral and she related a memory she had of Jerry and I. It was so painful I just fell apart again. It wasn't a bad memory. It was really something beautiful and perhaps someday I may be able to read it without dying inside. I'd like to think so but I am not really convinced. Guilt for all the forgotten things I should have done rolled back over me. He did love me. People saw it all the time. I wonder did I show that I loved him as much? I don't think I did. No one has ever said "I could tell you loved him."

I have a stack of files on my desk now, half a dozen. I've done well over a dozen today and a dozen still to go but I have time for the next batch later in the week. I am keeping away from any memory at all now. I can't think about anything. I have to regain my control and sanity. I can't function like this. I can't face another day. I can't sleep. I can't think. I don't want to.

How will I continue to exist with this weight crushing the breath from me? That's what it does. I can't get my breath at times. Like some fish cast onto the beach, struggling to find its way back to the water. I clutch something, my chest, my stomach, anything just to keep breathing and push back the hurt.

I have nothing to forgive Jerry for. It is all my own guilt. I can't get past it. I can't go around it and I can't climb over it. There is no escape from it. I've asked God to give me some acknowledgement that not only does he forgive me, but that Jerry does as well. Oh, I know that the last thing on Jerry's mind right now is me and my misery but how will I ever get past this point if I can't find some reassurance. I know that Jerry would never hate me but I do.

Perhaps Esau's problem was not that God would not forgive him. Perhaps Esau could never forgive himself.

Missing Pieces

I had a very odd day where nothing much got done. I was supposed to work on files and I had everything planned. I anticipated being ready for file work after noon.

I got up at 8 and I didn't want to but had to have lab work for my Monday doctor's appointment. I was supposed to have it on the 23rd but forgot. Can't imagine why. I didn't take medicine, eat or get my coffee because I wasn't sure if it was fasting or not and the order didn't say. I took the cautious side and didn't eat. I was there nearly an hour despite the fact that there were only two of us waiting for blood work. It was in the hospital out patient lab for heaven's sake.

Afterward, I stopped and got an OJ and a breakfast burrito from McDonald's and ate in the car. That took only another ten to twenty minutes. I like those and it cleared up the hunger pangs.

Then, I went to the funeral home and met with them about the bill. I paid the funeral expenses. I've never written a check that large and it was frightening. And the process was stressful, too. Somehow, this made it final and I knew that I had to get home and take my medicine. It was nearly 11 by then.

Once I got the meds I lay on the sofa and fell asleep and slept until two p.m.! I woke up and still felt tired and had a headache, which I still have. But my counseling appointment was at three so I got my coat and left for that.

I don't actually know what happened at that session. I'm sure it was profound but I simply feel defeated. I'm searching for missing pieces to my puzzle, remember. I'm stressed because I want the whole picture but the missing pieces are preventing it. After searching the room, I suspect my puzzle had a piece missing all along. It is rare but it has happened. I can package the puzzle in the box and take it back to the store and exchange it for one that has all the parts. But I want to find the missing piece.

I will never find the missing piece to the puzzle on my coffee table. I've searched everywhere. Three or four times. It simply isn't here.

I want Jerry home. I want to know what happened. I want to know why I didn't see the whole picture.

And Jerry will never come home. I will never know what happened. I will never know why I didn't see the whole picture. I can't go get a replacement and start over.

I can only finish the puzzle with the missing pieces left out.

Midnight Wonderings

I am on my way to bed and decided to stop and put a few thoughts here. I am to see the counselor tomorrow at three. I have to go to the bank, go to the funeral home, and I have brought work home to do over the weekend.

I took my medicine later tonight and I am really tired now and can hardly keep my eyes open. Dave and Mike were both here earlier tonight. Mike left around 9 and Dave around 10. It is strange and I don't know what to make of it but tonight is the first time things have felt "normal", whatever that means. Maybe taking the medicine later makes it work better.

I stayed at work until 6 to tie up loose ends and I was beginning to feel a bit stressed by then. I almost took the meds when I got home but I don't think I can handle another sleepless night and function. I was really dragging the last two days and felt very down at times.

I am not crying at the drop of a hate but I am analyzing things to death. Perhaps not a good choice of words. I'm getting lots of calls from family and friends and that is helping keep me focused on other things for a bit. But the constant analysis of all that happened to Jerry are hard to deal with. I keep trying to understand what happened, how I missed so much, why he didn't talk to me.

I'm going to bed now. My eyes are just too heavy. Maybe tomorrow will bring answers that I can understand.

Night In An Empty House

It was three in the morning before I got to sleep after I went to bed last night. I don't know if that will happen tonight. I think part of the reason was I took my meds when I got home and went to sleep on the couch for about two hours. It happened again tonight.And it was worse because I was exhausted. Mike was here and tried to get me to go to bed but I was so sleepy I couldn't move. I finally got up when he left and have sat here watching a show on HULU.

I am tired but I am concerned I won't be able to get to sleep again. I see the counselor Friday and I will discuss the sleep problem then. I had a bad day today and if I don't get enough sleep, I may have a worse one tomorrow.

When I got home today I sat and cried for half an hour. Too many questions, regrets, anguish. Such anguish for all that is lost. It is just so empty here. I miss my family. Mike comes over and stays a few hours but MIke and I don't really talk. We are just together most of that time. He is in his own world and that is usually on the phone. It I had cable he would have sat down and watched his shows but I shut that off. We don't do things together. Although Saturday he wants me to go to the store with him to buy groceries. Dave and Becca and Sarah would come over if I asked but I find that my sweet Sarah is too much after a while. I get so tired and the noise begins to get to me. I don't understand that. I adore her and she is such a joy.

When I was at my aunt's I spent time doing things with them and putting a puzzle together with my uncle, watching television. I have a puzzle on the table now but I can't do it. The house is so empty. I feel like I am in a barn rambling around looking for someone.

How long does this last? What am I supposed to do? I can't really write, read, watch television... well, I've been watching videos that I fall asleep during, I can't listen to music, I can't think. I don't know what to do. I feel like running somewhere but there is no where to go.

This evening when I got home, I remembered when Mama died. I was 17 and Jerry and I had just started dating. I met him on November 27, 1973. She died January 2, 1974. I married Jerry on January 11, 1974. Yes, crazy. But it lasted 35 years. Well, we worked hard at it. But I remembered how he was there to pick up the pieces that my life had suddenly been shattered into. He helped me piece them together into a new life and although I suffered such heartache from her loss, he was always there to protect me and give me some sanity. Eventually, I was able to find my own path... but not alone. I don't like being alone in this sense. I like my personal time but Jerry was always in the next room or across the room. I had my own interest but he was always watching and smiling if I looked at him. He moved around and played the television too loud.

This. . . hollowness . . . void . . . this is unbearable. This directionless rambling is frightening. The lack of purpose is . . . is like death itself. I'm buried in a box in the ground.

Counting Days

I wonder when I will stop counting days. Every time I see a date I find myself saying things like "That was five days before Jerry died" or "that was ten days before Jerry died" or That was thirty days before Jerry died". I have never been so good a math as I am now. I look at posts that I wrote in the days before and I know exactly how many days it was done before Jerry died, how many days since Jerry died. The 29th of January has suddenly become some bizarre pivotal point in my life and everything I see, say, and do revolves around that date. I automatically calculate where the event lies in reference to the 29.

I also find I can't bear to look at the number 29! It is crazy. I know it i crazy.

I am spending my second night in a vacant house. I am constantly amazed at how empty the house feels. It never felt so before. Dave, Becca, Sarah, and Mike were here tonight for supper. Once they were all gone, I felt the breath leave the house, and the silence set in. I have been watching a video, but it doesn't matter. No sound seems to be able to break this deafening silence that hovers over the place. Even now, as I write, there is a stillness and quiet that is unusual.

I love quiet and have always hated constantly running televisions and radios or stereos. But this silence is unaffected by such things. My cable was disconnected today, and it was very strange to feel as if I should turn on the television since I didn't have that feeling when it was connected. Now, I feel it necessary to have sound.

So many odd things happening.

We notice that Sarah has become fearful for some reason. She stops and looks as if she is seeing something and then gets very frightened. She's doing this at home and here. Of course, I'm keeping a lot of lights off in rooms we are not in, but it is unlike her to experience any kind of fear here in the house. She is two and a half so it could be the terrible twos and a growing awareness of fear that is common to all children.

We also think she may be experiencing some grief and doesn't know how to express it. She knows he is gone. However, this apparent "seeing" things is not unusual for her. When she was less than a year old, we watch her once stare at a door and giggle and laugh for nearly half an hour. We couldn't figure out what she was laughing at since it was a closed door and there was nothing there and she was only an infant. So, we always wondered if Sarah could see angels. I don't know that she is seeing anything at this point, but I know little about such things. I've told her mother to have her prayed for in the event that she is experiencing some distress over all that has happened and it is manifesting as fear. Sarah was in the house the night Jerry died and did witness all the terrible emotional trauma. She had to be affected by it. Pray for her.

It is late again. I must go to bed.