Limping Along

 You get to a place you think life is going to be normal. "Normal". Right. I don't have a clue what that looks like. You understand what I'm saying, though. The field is level. There are no surprises left. No place where scary things can hide. No tears left to cry and nothing deep to feel. You just are cruising along.

Tonight I was going to watch an old mystery movie from 1953. YouTube is full of old movies from the 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s that you can watch for free. Some even older. I actually started this movie, The Limping Man. It was interesting and stared Lloyd Bridges, one of my childhood favorites. Frank Pryor flew to England to see an old flame from the war. There was a suspicious death right at the beginning and you don't know if the victim was the target or Frank.

But I got about 10 minutes in where Frank was in the apartment of his sweetheart from the war when she walks in, and she ran to him and they threw their arms around each other. That was it for me. 

See, I could remember when I was a young wife and Jerry came home from long assignments. I remember that gasp of joy and the feel of arms around me and my arms around him and the breathlessness of being in that moment. The words we said were being echoed on the screen. Yeah, that was it for me. 

Just so you know, there is no normal. You just limp along and hope the scary things stay hidden.

Hectic Days, Changing Seasons

It's been hectic around here. I've done a little sewing and some editing as pain allows. Did a little crochet, but I've had a terrible time with my hands. Lots of pain and swelling. That's not a good sign. Stress and weather changes working their magic, I guess. For a couple of weeks, we've had lots of rain and the temperatures fluctuate wildly. It does bad things to my joints and muscles. 

I cut my den curtains off and made them window length. It just became more functional, and I find I like it much better. I'm planning on doing some more sewing soon. I'm waiting till Becca gets moved, so I've got room to spread out fabric.

She's getting moved into her new apartment this week. I've been busier with her and Madi here, but it has been in a good way. Madi is a joy to have around and the hugs and kisses are a comfort. I'm not sitting doing nothing so much and, if I am, I'm not so depressed. It is also nice to have conversations, to have someone to go to church with, and just hang with once in a while. I'll still watch Madi when she works at night and pick her up from school as needed. Once they move, I'll miss them but they're less that 10 minutes from my house. So, I hope the benefits will outweigh the bad.

Today was my birthday. Madi and Becca made me breakfast. That was nice. My sister brought me a card and a gift. I had a couple of calls and friends and family on Facebook sent birthday wishes. A nice day, really. 

Still no contact with Sarah. When she's allowed to have her phone, she tries to call, but her calls are being monitored and limited, as are her text. They're afraid she'll say something they don't want anyone to know. Not sure what state secrets she could share, or that I'd find enthralling, but apparently she's a security risk. Sad to see a family relationship destroyed so badly. Once she is free, she will hate those who held her hostage. Takes years to repair, if it is repairable. 

I am going to bed now. For days I've been exhausted. I even had a long nap today and I'm still tired. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. 

Seeing Red - Indiana Can't

As of yesterday, the car is finally in the shop for repair from where the second person rear-ended me. Yes, the second person. A month ago at a stoplight, a person hit my car. Thankfully, there was no damage. A week later, I'm hit in the rear again at another traffic light. We stopped both times for a red light. The people behind me didn't feel the need. This time, the bumper and trunk need repair. 

Tell me please what you don't understand about a red light or stop sign? I mean, in every culture on the planet, it means the same thing. And yet Indiana doesn't get it. Every time someone has ever hit me was from the rear when I stopped at a traffic light or stop sign. Every time was in Indiana. So I think I know what I'm talking about.

Red means stop EVERWHERE! The Hexagonal red sign with the big words STOP needs no clarification if you have a driver's license or finished first grade.  

How many rear ends, you ask? At least 6. All in Indiana. All but 1 in Evansville, Indiana. 

On Saturday, I left my keys in the car in the ON position. I was stressed and having an awful weekend. When I got up to go to church, my battery was dead. I called Roadside Assistance since I have that on my insurance and they jumped it off. However, apparently when a battery goes out on the new cars, amazingly annoying things go wrong. The first time it knocked out all the setting on my stereo and my radio started blaring every time I start my car. I hate that. I've never been able to fix it. This time, it turned off Auto traction, power steering, and some other really important things. We tried everything to fix it, but no luck. I googled for information but it wasn't there. We suspected it was a code issue. In new cars, there is no power steering fluid. Everything is electrical. So this would have to be a computer problem. 

Since it was going into the shop the next morning, I prayed over it and hoped they could resolve the issue. They ran a check but had to call Ford for the solution. Disconnect the battery cables and wait a few moments. Reconnect. It worked.

Here's my gripe. Mike called Ford. They gave him a quote to check the problem and one if it needed a new module. It would cost $1100 to replace it. What do you think would have happened if I'd taken it in? 

Note to self" consider never buying another Ford product. This is my second Ford and probably my last.

I expect to have my car back by Thursday if all goes well. 

Other things are going on as well, but I'd rather forget them for a while. I'm having a fibro flare and for days now I've felt bad, today being the worst. So, I'll leave things here for now. 

Life On The Ledge: Sometimes It's Crazy

Life happens here on the ledge and I'm sure, in that valley down below. On the ledge you constantly feel at any moment you could fall over the edge. 

Sarah's mom is moving back to town, and she is going to court to regain custody of Sarah. Sarah doesn't want to live with her dad anymore. Dad is my son. I really love my sons and I've hoped and prayed for them both all their lives. The situation is very sad now. He blames me for her mother trying to take her. In fact, "I planned and plotted this". I actually didn't, but I did not to interfere. I'd been seeing things I had concerns about and prayed for God to take steps. I had nothing to do with her mom's decision. He's not let her mother see Sarah for two years. So, I suppose if someone tried to prevent me from seeing my child, I'd take steps too. 

Wrong is wrong, even when it is my own. 

I've talked to Sarah, and she hates living with him. She loves her dad, but the wives became a problem for her. Sarah is not perfect and has difficulties. They knew she has problems, that she was in counseling for them, and on medication. That all stopped when she left here. She's placed on meds that weren't good for her, taken off meds that were, seeing a counselor who was besties with her then step mom. So, no chance of non-biased help. Then she kicked them to the curb, because she couldn't cope with Sarah's problems. Six months later new wife, new state, a new set of problems. Sarah, again taken off her ADD meds, given anti-depressants, taken off the vitamins she took, gained 15 lbs at least, is having periods lasting months but is told this is normal. No, it is not normal, and all this suggests a metabolic disorder that runs in the family. Yes, I've told EVERYONE. I know nothing, apparently.

We traveled to watch her baptized. She begged her dad to let her come visit (after her mom and my sister asked and were told no). He deigned to give her 3 days. They sent her home in hand-me-downs with one bra and two pair of underwear and flip-flops. Despite our sending her new dresses (they threw or gave away those because the new step doesn't like my style). 

Once in the car Sarah said, "I'm not going back there ever." We were dumfounded. And horrified by her demeanor. However, she's in tears and angrier than any kid I've ever seen. For weeks now, we've worked with her. She's on Ashwagandha for the hormonal problems and back on her vitamins. We can't get her in school because the school was told we kidnapped her. Not sure who spread that around. It isn't true. Her mother and dad share joint custody. 

We didn't think they would allow her to come here because they denied every request made. She simply refused to go back. The police said they can't force her to go back either. So, we have honored her wishes. However, her mom can't get health care for her right now because she is on a plan there and they're not taking her off. She goes to court on the 19th to request custody changes. After reviewing the State guidelines governing this case, I suspect it won't be a problem. In fact, according to the guidelines, he is in contempt of court. I'm disappointed in him because he wants to be a police officer. But if you can't obey the laws, you have no business trying to enforce them.

As for Sarah, after a week of the Ashwagandha and a trip to the gym, she seems to be better mood. I miss the smiling and laughing Sarah that I knew before she went away 2 yrs ago. She's lost that, but in the last two days, there is a glimpse of her. 

There is a list of things that went on that weekend, but I'm so glad we prayed before we arrived and that we prayed for our own tempers to remain calm and civil and be courteous. My family was slammed with personal attacks while we were there. Yet, everyone kept their cool and got through it. I'm not taking part in any further discussions or harangues from anyone about what happened. No one should make a child feel they count for nothing and that the parents' desires are paramount to the child's wellbeing. I don't care who they are. 

If you pray, pray for Sarah. She's what matters.

Alterations

 Did you ever feel that every choice you ever made was terrible? If you had only changed one thing, your whole life would have altered course, and you'd be a completely different person, in a completely different place with completely different people. 

Yeah.

That's where I've been for nearly three months now. 

Who would I be if I had different parents? If we never made that move from the coast to their old hometown, where would I be? If I'd never gone to the parade, who would I have married? Would I have married at all? Would I have children? Would I have boys, girls, or both? If we never left our hometown, what would life had looked like? If we never joined the military, where would we be? Would he still be alive? Would I have gone to college? Would I care? 

One choice alters everything. 

Yeah.

I don't have any wise insights.