Surprise!

Yep, I'm back. Been a while, hasn't it? Over a month, in fact. I wish I could say I'd been doing something constructive but I haven't. I did go on vacation to Branson, MO two weeks ago with my aunt, uncle, and sister. We had a great time. I only had a couple of days where pain was a problem. Fortunately, the resort had a hot tub I could use for a bit and it helped. I also remembered to bring medicine to help with the pain. So, my trip was not bad at all.

Once I got home, of course, things took a turn. I worked a couple of days and my pain escalated. Had four days of lower back pain and sciatica. I think the sitting for hours aggravated it.  And because it hurt so bad, I had to sit even more. There were a lot of storm fronts moving around but despite that, only the back gave me real trouble.

This week has been better but I go back to work on Wednesday and I'm going to be there for half a day. I'm concerned that I'll have another flare up with my back. We'll see. Sitting is hard on your back.

Tomorrow I will start painting my bedroom. Mike came and helped me move the furniture out on Saturday and I've spent the last two days deciding on the color. I'm not totally happy with my choice but I'm going to live with it. I will start painting in the morning. I've got the windows taped and may do that first as they are the most tedious. I have to sand the wall where I've patched 20 years of holes. I must have moved pictures around a lot. I couldn't believe the number of holes. I still have a few to patch but I simply was too tired to bother with those high up. The downside is it takes hours for the spackle to dry. It may interfere with my painting.

Writing has not been happening. The back was so bad I couldn't even read. I simply sat in the recliner, not good for bad backs either, by the way, and watched Peyton Place on YouTube. I couldn't believe I found that! And it was actually pretty good. I've gotten bored with it this week but it sure took me back to my childhood. I watched it with my Mama. I wasn't even 10 yrs old when it went off the air. I felt like I was with old friends. Since I have very few friends, it was a nice feeling.

My youngest sister is in the hospital this week. She's going through some bad times right now. If you pray, please say a prayer for her. It looks like they're going to keep her for more than a week.

That's it I think. I wanted to write for a bit to see if I still could. This blog seems to be gradually fading away. I seem to be here less and less. Although I don't have a ton of readers anyway, it has been a great form of therapy for me. I'd be in a loony bin after Jerry died if I couldn't have written down what I was going through. Maybe I did. I still wonder sometimes. My life was turned upside down and poured out into some great black hole and I've never really escaped. Maybe, in reality, I'm in an asylum and all that has happened since is in my head.

Did I mention I've been a bit depressed? I think it is just because after my trip I had to come back here, to this empty house. Sarah is away for the summer with her Dad. She's having a blast. I can see in the photos she is enjoying herself. I'm happy for her.

And that's enough of that.

Tomorrow comes early. Of course, it will take me two hours to catch up.

Gang aft Agley

At last, the week ends. All things considered, it hasn't been a horrible week. A week without pain is gain, indeed. However, Friday the 13th arrived with bells on.

I have this part-time job. You may have heard about it. I'm a test proctor for a company here in town. I basically watch doctors, lawyers, college bound, medical school bound, mechanics, nurses, and teachers take standardized tests on computers. You may have taken such a test somewhere. They can last from half an hour up to 8 hours. Some might take two days but I haven't experienced those. For you it may have been tough. For the proctor, it is like watching grass grow.

At 7:30 we opened the door and even before we opened the computers refused to cooperate. Two test stations and the admin station simply didn't want to work. I called the help desk. They were experiencing problems and said call back.

...........Yes, they did.

I've worked with computers for over 30 years and never such a thing happening. I rarely call help desks for anything but the times I have, I was never told to call  back due to technical problems. And I have 9 people to seat at their stations by 8 a.m. Half an hour is pushing it for registration, security checks, and seating.

But I worked my magic and we got them going. A third computer acted up later. Throughout the day, we had minor issues that kept us running. But the end of the day, my co-worker and I were exhausted and cracking jokes about testers committing suicide with their headsets. He was very funny. I just held my sides.

Sarah went out with my sister for a few hours and so cooking wasn't necessary but I made tuna salad and had that for a late dinner. At 8 p.m. I looked up from my book and meal and realized I was going to fall over if I didn't get to bed. I told Sarah I had to shower and go to bed.

"Can I stay up until 10?"

I showered and tried to figure out why I felt as if I'd keel over if you thumped me. Let me see. Arose at 6 a.m. and got Sarah up, fed, and ready for school. Left for work at 7. Opened the office at 7:15. You know the rest. Got home around 3:45 p.m. and read for a few hours. My sister brought Sarah back around 5 and stayed for about an hour and a half to visit. Dinner at 8. So, here I am at 9 p.m. I calculated. Oh, wait. I've been on  my feet for about 15 hours.

O.k., that might be it. And I didn't get a nap today. Maybe I should go to bed. Yeah. By the time I brush my teeth it will be 10 and Sarah can't argue.

Ah... a plan.

I keep hearing Robbie Burns say, "The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,  Gang aft agley,"

On a Clear Day

Can you imagine waking up and not feeling any pain at all? Can you imagine being able to have a clear thought, to not feel as if your brain was stuffed with cotton wool all the time?

I can't. I do not remember what it is like to wake up and not feel pain all over. I can't remember being able to walk without my feet hurting or my neck in excruciating pain. I can't remember what it feels like to be able to think clearly.

I don't remember what any of that feels like. I've had days of moderate pain, but no days when I was totally pain-free. For over 7 years.

Today marks one week since I received the Humira shot for my rheumatoid arthritis. The doctor told me it could take up to two months to see any effects. Over the last week, we've had day after day of rain and thunderstorms. My usual reaction to this kind of weather is days of severe pain in every joint, even my skin hurts. Low-pressure systems are a physical hell for me.

So, how has this week gone? For the first four days, after the shot, I woke up to no pain at all. It felt as if my brain had some kind of jolt and everything felt sharp and crisp. From the fifth day through today I've had some minor pain in a couple of small joints. I've had a couple of ocular migraines, at least I think that is what they were. 

Today, I have no pain other than some minor pain in my hand and we had a storm come through. The lack of brain fog alone was a shock. 

I don't know if this is all a result of the shot or if I'm in a short remission due to the steroid I had to go on a week before the shot. That's never happened before and I've taken the steroid at least 4 times in the last year and a half. Generally, the steroid only works during the first three days until I begin to taper off and then the pain returns.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it. So, I'll be watching things with interest to see how it goes. I'm terrified of this medicine but I have very few choices at this point. 

So On And So Forth, Whatever...

As Busy as A......

The last month has been so busy I haven't had time to do anything but work, clean house, and sleep. I don't know if I mentioned I went back to work in January. It is only a part time job but it was just enough money to fill a shortage in my budget.

Anyway, I've been adjusting to that and less time at home means, adjusting in several areas. Initially, I was just working half a day a few days a week. Two weeks ago a coworker (19 yr old who has never had a job) went into a snit and walked out so I've had to work more and longer days. I'm virtually wiped out. I told them today I simply could not work these long days after next week. The big baby will be back next week. Not my doing. If I'd been the boss, he'd be toast. I'm not. He's not.

Anyway, going back to work aggravated my already endless fatigue. I have been so exhausted for a while. In March, I finally bought something for adrenal fatigue at the health food store that seems to be working very well. I can get through the day now without passing out for four hours after only a few hours out of bed. However, the last two weeks have really caused problems with my pain and fatigue.

The net result is that I've done virtually no writing and nothing for fun. I read and watch t.v. and go to bed. I've managed to keep up with the laundry, keeping things swept and vacuumed. That's about it. With the increased pain levels I've had to start taking the steroid in the last three weeks to manage my pain.

On a more positive note, the money has made a huge impact at bill paying time. I'm so thankful for that. And I do find I like the structure better, although the 6:15 alarm is no fun. I have to be there at 7:15 and this means getting up ahead of Sarah and getting her ready for school. She's a bear most mornings. Thank goodness, Mike comes over on the days I work and gets her on the bus. But 6:15 to 5 p.m. is a long stretchThen, I have to prepare food. Lately, it is sandwiches and pizza. I have to cook tomorrow. I'm sick of junk food.

Mike got a part-time job as well about a month ago. He's been looking for a second one but has had no luck. Because of the new Indiana policy of starvation for anyone not working at least 20 hours, he won't get help with food and that's one reason I had to go to work. Since there are virtually no full-time jobs for folks with no marketable skills and disabilities such as Mike has, he's lucky to get even one job part time. Most employers have not wanted to deal with his hearing problems and the other things that accompany it. And the new "no food" policy means the small check he'll get won't cover all his food needs plus rent, medical insurance, and medicine. If he didn't have a scooter, he'd be walking to work. On icy/rainy days its bad.

Of course, if I could figure out how to make him a refugee from some terrorist country, the problem would be solved!

I'm done. There isn't really anything else to tell. I have been thinking about letting this blog go. I've been doing it since 2005 I think. Over 10 years! I don't know that anyone is really interested anyway and I'm not sure it isn't just a waste of time. I vent a lot and no one wants to hear my whining. Maybe it has served its purpose and it is time to go. I'll have to think about it. It only just occurred to me. Maybe it is time to stop.