Today has been one of those days when nothing got done. I mean really nothing. My sister's car had to go to the shop at 7 a.m. and Mike, bless him, came over and we picked up her car and took it to the shop. We both came back to my house and both of us crash landed. He lay down on the sofa and I went back to my bed and slept until 10 a.m., something I never do. Aside from the oddity, it was great sleep. The problem is, I slept two hours yesterday afternoon and went to bed around 11:30 last night, so I shouldn't have been that tired.
If you saw yesterday's video, you know I spent my time crocheting and watching Netflix. I'm watching CSI:NY. I watched it the first season it was on but stopped in the second season. I think that is when Jerry died and I turned off the cable. Although CSI: Las Vegas is my favorite show, I never cared much for the NY one and I absolutely hated the Miami show. Still I love Gary Sinise in anything so, I'm going to watch it again. It passes the time when I'm tired.
I had a lot of problems with my hands yesterday. Could hardly crochet. It stormed late in the evening and my hands were better this morning after I got up the second time. They've begun hurting again this afternoon and a brief shower began a little while ago. So unstable weather, as usual is a factor in inflammation.
As for today, after we both woke up, we kind of just hung around trying to figure out why we were so tired and then we went to Sonic for lunch. Mike has shopping to do today so he brought me home and went off to do that. I spent the rest of the day reading until I finished the book I had started yesterday. Then I messed around with my photos, posting some I forgot about.
Sarah is having a good time at her Dad's. I can tell when I talk to her, however brief the calls are. She's just so busy.
I'm going now to download a new book and work on my crochet. I keep thinking I'll work on my writing but at the moment, I just don't want to do that. The crochet is going well, but it is difficult with the pain in my fingers. I suspect that is another pleasure that is soon to be gone.
Good night to you.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
Day 14: Working My Fingers to the Bone... It Hurts
Besides, it looks better and will make grass cutting a bit easier here since the mower can't really get close to the house. This is on the west facing part of the house. I want to continue it along the south side, that's the corner nearest you in the photo, and continue along the back (east side) of the house. I just think it will look better and maybe will help keep out mice.
They've torn the house next door down this week. The large shovel you see is filling in the huge hole where the basement used to be. It has taken three days of shoveling dirt and they're still not done filling it in. I had no idea it has such a large basement. It was as big as the house as far as I could tell. It must have been very dark down there as I never saw a single window.
I felt bad for the owner. This was the house she grew up in and her mother, now deceased, left it several years ago to enter a nursing home. It has been empty, although filled with stuff until they knocked it down. She was a hoarder. Even after they removed truckloads of items, it was still stacked to the ceiling in places.
It will seem strange to not see it there. I suspect they'll sell it and someone will eventually build on it. If I had the funds, I'd buy it but it takes all I can do to manage the property I have now. And it would raise my taxes anyway. It is a lovely tree filled lot.
I've had a rather good week physically. There has been very little pain and it is one reason I've pushed so hard to get this outside work done. Mike and I stopped at noon today because by then the heat was just unbearable. I came in and showered and we went to lunch. When I got back home I hurt all over. I just piled up in the recliner with a Snuggy and Pandora set to Spa music for three hours. I had to take something for my sciatica and I actually think it eased the pain in my hands just a bit. Not sure about that but it seemed they were better. It is back medicine so maybe not.
I couldn't go to sleep because I was in pain, but I did doze off and on. Around 5 p.m., I took two extra strength acetaminophen to take care of the rest of my pain. I'm feeling much better now, but I have taken something to help me sleep and will go to bed in about an hour. After I rested a bit, I did a bit of crochet while I watched a movie. Now, I think I'll go back to it and find something else to watch.
Did I mention it is day 14 of the Facebook fast? I will admit that I've gone on a few times because people keep emailing me or I need to send a message to someone else. I don't like it. I haven't missed it and what is shocking is when I get on I realize how very much I don't like Facebook. I don't look forward to going back to it. I've downloaded a Chrome extension called Block Site and it allows me to block specific sites and I can block said site during specific hours. Yes, I can turn it off and I have twice. I'm being honest about my lapses but despite my sense of failure, I'm doing rather well. My Facebook hours are blocked from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. at the moment. So, no getting on during working hours. I can change that, but I'm not going to at this point.
I think this is a good extension. I can block one site or multiple sites. There is a password feature but if you forget your password, you're kind of stuck. So, with my lengthy list of passwords, I'm not taking that chance at this point. However, I think it is a great feature. I know it works because twice earlier this week I clicked on the FB link. I put a redirect command in the blocker and it takes me to my Gmail page. So, it worked. I'm a fairly faithful person and I'm good at keeping my commitments most of the time. I've fallen off the wagon a few times this week, but I'm not going to throw in the towel.
I've had to tell Mike twice not to use my account to send messages because it is logging my productivity time also. My Rescue Time logs all my computer activity and my productivity is up 62% since I went off Facebook. That doesn't count my offline activity. I was shocked at the difference. I went from 32% to 62% in two weeks.
I"m signing off for the night, I think. Hope you all have a great weekend.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Day 12: What We're Drinking In S. Indiana
Well, this is 12 days without Facebook. It hasn't been a total fast because I had to go on to check some emails and, of course, the addiction draws you but I spend less than 30 minutes each time, I think. I haven't missed it over much and, I've managed to get a lot of work done around here.
I've been busy doing yard work, cleaning house, moving furniture, and doing some minor repairs. Yesterday, Mike and I rearranged the living room. I'm getting ready to move the computer desk out of the house and my nap sofa but several things must happen before that.
Yesterday, I changed the water filter under the sink because the water had just reached the point where it was nasty. Please understand, we have a water filtration plant here that cleans and filters water out of the Ohio River for us to drink. For years, I drank it without a filter. About 15 years ago we got an under sink water filter and have used it ever since in the kitchen, on the cold side only. We changed the filters every six months, roughly January & June. I got off track last year and so the filter has probably been on for closer to nine months. I decided to video the process and let you see just what Southern Indiana is drinking.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Day 9: Down the Rabbit Hole
*Warning: If don't like it or get offended when I just pour out my insides, skip this one.
I'm having a difficult day today. Sarah left to go home with her dad for several weeks and the house is as quiet and empty as the tomb it is. I think too much when I'm alone. When there is nothing to draw me externally, I begin to look inward and truthfully, that's a dark place.
The weekend was rather a letdown. I had to do the yard work and I hurt myself so badly after weeding the flower bed on hands and knees, and then doing trimming I could hardly move all weekend. I hurt from my neck to my feet. My arms, back, neck, and even my stomach were sore. I was glad to see my son, but I was out working most of that time trying to get the weed trimming done before the weather turned or suffering in my chair. I still have not finished the trimming and it is raining today.
I went for a walk, thinking it would be good to get me out of the house and would lighten my mood. It did not. If walking in the rain can't make you feel better, it's pretty bad. I can't say I have any real physical pain. It is maybe 2-3. The agonizing pain of the weekend, which was really strained muscles, is now nearly gone.
While I was working on some paperwork earlier, I wondered when exactly children begin to have no use for their parents. I raised two sons. I assumed they loved me. I adore them. Elder son does things for me and has always done so. If I'm sick he always shows up and calls. Not so much my younger son. Now he lives in another state so it would be impossible but he lived most of his life up the road a bit. He put up cabinets once.
So, as I stood staring at some stuff I'm clearing out it was with only a slight shock that I realized in 35 years I've never received a mother's day card, a birthday card, a get well card, or any kind of card from my children. Not one. Not ever. Neither of them. When they were in elementary school, they may have made a couple. I don't think I have them. If I do they're in a folder somewhere.
Nor have I ever received gifts of any kind from my children. They've taken me to lunch a few times. I've bought more of our meals for every occasion. The only real gift I ever got and I know was bought with great thought and love is a beautiful collectible doll in a glass case. Mike got it for me when he was about 12 and I can still remember his face when I opened it and how much that doll meant to me. She is in my bedroom right now, carefully protected from harm in her glass case. I open it sometimes and touch her. She looks a bit like a bride. Jerry bought me a doll, a few years later "because she looked" like me. She's in the living room.
Once, when he was married to his previous wife, the younger son sent flowers. I think it was for my birthday. I showed them to my whole office. Elder son has taken me to lunch a few times ... when he had the money. Younger son has on occasion bought my lunch.
But I have no special mementos to point to and say, my son got me that. Except the doll. I have no file of beautiful cards to Mom. I have a file of cards from my aunt, my sister, Sarah, my ex-daughter-in-law, and maybe from my Dad and step mom.. whom I hardly know. I even have a file of letters from some people. There is a file of sympathy cards I received from people when Jerry died. You will find no cards from my sons when I die.
I also realized I never got flowers or cards from Jerry from probably the early 90's, if then, not even anniversary cards. There are none in my folder from him, but I vaguely recall getting one or two. When we first married I used to get flowers now and then. The last time he bought me flowers was around 1999. It was for my birthday and they were in a cute pumpkin planter. He'd take me to lunch on Mother's Day and my birthday so I suspect that substituted for cards and gifts. For the last 10 years of his life, I bought my own Christmas presents.
I remember being at work when people got flowers on Mother's Day and I'd leave the area because I didn't want someone to ask me, "What'd your family do for you? They did nothing.
I'm not sure why this all came to my mind today. Maybe because the emptiness of my home is a mockery of all that I thought I had once. To wake up one day and everyone is gone and you realize you really weren't special after all is a bit of a shock. How did I miss it? Was I so full of myself that I thought I was really important to these people?
I've never said anything to anyone. I just kept it quiet. I stayed silent. Honestly, I was usually embarrassed by it. It doesn't make me feel better, putting this here today, but I think I've hit bottom. It took me a long time to get here. The fall is pretty steep. My only rationalization is that there are various stages to grief and I suspect some of the realizations I've been having over the last year have something to do with it.
When you go through things after people die, you learn things. Some are things you knew but forgot. Other things are things you should have known but didn't. And still other things are things you wish you'd never found out. You find things that hurt, some that anger, and some that just confuse you. I've experienced all those.
It took a while to realize that not everything was perfect in my little world. I had a good husband most of the time. He was far from perfect. After he died, I made a lot of excuses from some things and just ignored others. Oh, he wasn't doing reprehensible things or illegal things. There were just things I don't know how I missed, some I should have seen and didn't, some I saw but simply chose to ignore. I have "good" sons. Meaning they never got into serious trouble. But when your children leave home and get older you actually discover the depth of character you've instilled in them. It is never what you think.
Most of us turn blind eyes to the faults of our loved ones. I'm no different. My nature is to forgive people any insult to me that they care to dish out, particularly those I love. But here I am today asking myself why should I?
I don't like writing this post because I don't like whiners. But for once in my life, I'm not staying silent. I'm not going to pretend there isn't a problem. I'm not going to make excuses for other people's bad behavior, attitudes, and actions. There are things that are just wrong, and ill-mannered, and selfish.
I can't change the past or the present. I can't fix what is already set in stone. Somehow I have to figure out how to make life mean something without the things or people I thought gave it meaning.
Maybe, as someone once told me, there is no meaning. We just move through our life like pinballs, racking up points here, losing some there but never really making an impact on anything. The sacrifices you make are pointless and go unnoticed everywhere but your own mind. Ultimately, we have no one but ourselves to live with and if we can't do that, we might as well just die.
I'm having a difficult day today. Sarah left to go home with her dad for several weeks and the house is as quiet and empty as the tomb it is. I think too much when I'm alone. When there is nothing to draw me externally, I begin to look inward and truthfully, that's a dark place.
The weekend was rather a letdown. I had to do the yard work and I hurt myself so badly after weeding the flower bed on hands and knees, and then doing trimming I could hardly move all weekend. I hurt from my neck to my feet. My arms, back, neck, and even my stomach were sore. I was glad to see my son, but I was out working most of that time trying to get the weed trimming done before the weather turned or suffering in my chair. I still have not finished the trimming and it is raining today.
I went for a walk, thinking it would be good to get me out of the house and would lighten my mood. It did not. If walking in the rain can't make you feel better, it's pretty bad. I can't say I have any real physical pain. It is maybe 2-3. The agonizing pain of the weekend, which was really strained muscles, is now nearly gone.
While I was working on some paperwork earlier, I wondered when exactly children begin to have no use for their parents. I raised two sons. I assumed they loved me. I adore them. Elder son does things for me and has always done so. If I'm sick he always shows up and calls. Not so much my younger son. Now he lives in another state so it would be impossible but he lived most of his life up the road a bit. He put up cabinets once.
So, as I stood staring at some stuff I'm clearing out it was with only a slight shock that I realized in 35 years I've never received a mother's day card, a birthday card, a get well card, or any kind of card from my children. Not one. Not ever. Neither of them. When they were in elementary school, they may have made a couple. I don't think I have them. If I do they're in a folder somewhere.
Nor have I ever received gifts of any kind from my children. They've taken me to lunch a few times. I've bought more of our meals for every occasion. The only real gift I ever got and I know was bought with great thought and love is a beautiful collectible doll in a glass case. Mike got it for me when he was about 12 and I can still remember his face when I opened it and how much that doll meant to me. She is in my bedroom right now, carefully protected from harm in her glass case. I open it sometimes and touch her. She looks a bit like a bride. Jerry bought me a doll, a few years later "because she looked" like me. She's in the living room.
Once, when he was married to his previous wife, the younger son sent flowers. I think it was for my birthday. I showed them to my whole office. Elder son has taken me to lunch a few times ... when he had the money. Younger son has on occasion bought my lunch.
But I have no special mementos to point to and say, my son got me that. Except the doll. I have no file of beautiful cards to Mom. I have a file of cards from my aunt, my sister, Sarah, my ex-daughter-in-law, and maybe from my Dad and step mom.. whom I hardly know. I even have a file of letters from some people. There is a file of sympathy cards I received from people when Jerry died. You will find no cards from my sons when I die.
I also realized I never got flowers or cards from Jerry from probably the early 90's, if then, not even anniversary cards. There are none in my folder from him, but I vaguely recall getting one or two. When we first married I used to get flowers now and then. The last time he bought me flowers was around 1999. It was for my birthday and they were in a cute pumpkin planter. He'd take me to lunch on Mother's Day and my birthday so I suspect that substituted for cards and gifts. For the last 10 years of his life, I bought my own Christmas presents.
I remember being at work when people got flowers on Mother's Day and I'd leave the area because I didn't want someone to ask me, "What'd your family do for you? They did nothing.
I'm not sure why this all came to my mind today. Maybe because the emptiness of my home is a mockery of all that I thought I had once. To wake up one day and everyone is gone and you realize you really weren't special after all is a bit of a shock. How did I miss it? Was I so full of myself that I thought I was really important to these people?
I've never said anything to anyone. I just kept it quiet. I stayed silent. Honestly, I was usually embarrassed by it. It doesn't make me feel better, putting this here today, but I think I've hit bottom. It took me a long time to get here. The fall is pretty steep. My only rationalization is that there are various stages to grief and I suspect some of the realizations I've been having over the last year have something to do with it.
When you go through things after people die, you learn things. Some are things you knew but forgot. Other things are things you should have known but didn't. And still other things are things you wish you'd never found out. You find things that hurt, some that anger, and some that just confuse you. I've experienced all those.
I don't like writing this post because I don't like whiners. But for once in my life, I'm not staying silent. I'm not going to pretend there isn't a problem. I'm not going to make excuses for other people's bad behavior, attitudes, and actions. There are things that are just wrong, and ill-mannered, and selfish.
I can't change the past or the present. I can't fix what is already set in stone. Somehow I have to figure out how to make life mean something without the things or people I thought gave it meaning.
Maybe, as someone once told me, there is no meaning. We just move through our life like pinballs, racking up points here, losing some there but never really making an impact on anything. The sacrifices you make are pointless and go unnoticed everywhere but your own mind. Ultimately, we have no one but ourselves to live with and if we can't do that, we might as well just die.
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