Just an Update on Life

Today is Thursday and the 20th day of NaNo. I have ten days left to beat this but it isn't looking good. I'm officially over 5000 words behind. I might be able to pull it off if I can write about 2030 words a day. If I couldn't write 1667 a day, why would I even thing I could do more than 2000? It isn't reasonable.

I've managed to bully  my neck into some sort of uneasy truce. I try and not put it in awkward positions, give it medicated patches that make me look as if someone attacked my neck, and take a pill to help the nerves and it leaves me alone for the most part. Now and then it sends signals to my brain that remind me it is still in bad shape. Just so I don't forget who is in charge, I think. I've been fighting severe fatigue all week. Three hour naps in the morning. I hate that. Brain isn't working before noon. Doesn't work well afterward either but I'm functional. I'm on the tail end of my steroid dosage and I will be sorry to see it go in one sense only. My pain has been minimal. I won't be sorry to lose the constant hunger.

Any plans I had of getting a part time job have sort of fizzled. I've been ill nearly every week since I retired. I'm looking for work at home things. At the moment, I'm doing some online surveys which will get me Amazon money or Paypal money. Not much but you know, you can do a lot with $20 on Amazon. Really. I've also signed up for as an Amazon affiliate. So, I'm plugging that in this post. If you shop amazon, use the links on this page, PLEASE. There is one in the menu bar above and a search box to the right.

Why would I ask yo to do this? Because every time you use it they give me credit and if you actually buy something, I get credit. I'm a bit strapped for cash. I lost half my income and part of my health care. I have a disease that causes bouts of severe pain and limited mobility at times. Some days I can barely walk. So, use my page to go to Amazon. They don't charge you for it. Believe me, you're not helping me get rich.

I have a lunch date with a girl friend who is moving away. Loraine has been such a good friend for five years. We met through NaNoWriMo and I've enjoyed meeting up with her for lunch and having some nice long chats. She and her husband and new son will be starting a new chapter in Nashville, TN and I wish them well but I sure will miss her a lot.

I won't bore you with my whining today. I should start making my New Year's List of Lies soon. You know, those things you say you're going to do or stop doing next year, only you never seem to accomplish any of them? Yeah, that list. I'm thinking I'll do one this year just so I can rub my nose in my failure next December.

Have a great day.

No Holiday

The day dawned blinding white and bitter cold. Sarah and I were trapped in our cozy shared habitation and we were happy about it. She because there was no school. I because it was a sunny, snow-filled day and I could curl up and do nothing. Well, these days I usually can. 

We did our gratuitous standing-in-the snow photos shoot and she wandered around for about 10 minutes before coming in and getting back into her PJ's.  I put on a pair of sweats and proceeded to vacuum and put away the laundry, both of which warmed me nicely. She has since gone out again due to boredom but is back again because it is "freezing". She says she will be glad there is school tomorrow.

It is November again. I hate holiday months. There are no good ones. None. Even if it weren't NaNoWriMo, I'd know it was November. I can count on my mind to play home movies that will insure that I remember. I was reviewing my posts for ideas and ran across a post from the early part of this year: Hauntings. And realized that for several weeks now, I've been a bit down in the dumps, not wanting to write, not wanting to read, not wanting to decorate or celebrate. It served as a realization of why I feel so depressed.

For me, for the entire holiday season, this is the norm. November, December, January and the first part of February are really awful months. So, how do my holidays roll? Thanksgiving Day, November 27, usually I eat out with Mike and go our separate ways. Christmas Day, December 25, depends on if anyone is here but usually a repeat of Thanksgiving, except I have to fix something. Since Jerry died, it is usually sandwiches.  My wedding anniversary, January 11, uh, there's no one but me to remember it. Anniversary of the death my husband, January 29. This is my black day. Valentine's Day, Feb 14, what would I celebrate?  

Gotta tell you that you haven't lived until you sit through all those holidays hearing a clock tick in your head, and on the wall, waiting for the next miserable day to pass so you get through it and not think about it. I hate November. I hate December. Most of all I hate January. They're cold, empty, isolated, and are generally the most awful time of year I've ever lived. It doesn't even end there. Mama had a stroke December 24 during our family celebrations and died January 2. I was 17. Daddy died December 10, during my college finals, and we had a funeral instead of Christmas. 

Apparently, all my holidays were to be hell of one sort or another. I could go really whinny and tell you about all the holidays when daddy lay drunk while I, Mama, and Billy tried to have a real holiday on virtually no money (cause it went for the liquor). Thankfully, family always saw we had gifts. But I don't remember opening any gifts. I do remember the spirits that insured there would be very little Christmas Spirit and having to be quiet in case we woke him up. We won't do those stories today.


NaNo is usually the only bright spot of the season and has probably become my one real holiday. It ends quickly but leaves a much happier memory. This year, it isn't working so well, I'm afraid. I'm three days behind on word count. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't sit around and brood about the miserable holidays. I don't have to think about them. There is so little fanfare for me that I could easily forget them if I didn't look at calendar, watch t.v., get online or go shopping. They're thrown in my face with all the images of children, turkeys, huge family dinner tables, and people laughing, hugging, cuddling, and sharing. Here, in this house, there are no bright spots, no laughing  people, no gifts, no tinsel, no shiny lights, and an empty table. I'm not inclined to manufacture them for the sake of saying I had them. They add nothing to my days except a lot of work. It is no wonder people commit suicide more during these months than at any other time. 

No, I don't think that way. I try not to think about anything. Let me give you something to think about. 

This year, when you sit down with your family, if you see a family member that seems not quiet with it, sit down and actually have a real conversation with them. Ask them what's bothering them. Tell them how very much you love them and mean it. Make an extra effort for each person.  I don't care how busy you think you are or how bad Aunt Lou smells. Just do this. You never know. In a few months, that very person may disappear from you life forever. And your last memory will be the one where you were just too busy to notice or take a minute of your time to make their last holiday a good memory. 

If you're a family member with a problem that will alter the lives of those around you in some profound way, you have a duty to inform those people you care about most. It isn't your right to carry it alone. Stop trying to spare anyone. You're selfish if you think you're doing a good thing. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it because you're a coward. Sit down and tell those you love what is wrong and leave them with a memory of how much they meant to you by allowing them to share the load and to be the best they can be for you. Caring for someone else's needs, sharing the heartaches, bearing their burdens is the greatest gift to give and to receive. No one had the right to cheat their family of an opportunity to do that. So, if you're not around in a few months, they'll know you were honest, that you loved them, and they had a chance to make everything right.

Believe me, the alternative... is no holiday.

Day 12 & Assorted Maladies

What a long week and a half this has been. I was lagging behind on word count most of the first week of NaNo but managed to catch up yesterday. If it were not for our write-ins I'd be further behind. My Co-ML had a write-in Friday night at Panera Bread and I went to that. We had 11 people attending. That's the largest we've had in a while. 

I've been doing virtual write-ins online with several members of the group and we've combined them so that if there is wifi where we're hosting a live write-in we also do a virtual write-in. Saturday we were at the library and last night I did a write-in at Panera Bread on the east side of town while Tammy was at the library on the west side of town. I'm actually ahead slightly today and don't have as far to go to hit the day's goal of 20,000 words. 

I woke to heavy, grey skies and a horrendous headache and pain in a variety of places. Went for blood work and everyone who saw me said, "You're not feeling well today, are you?" I wonder how they knew? I wasn't moaning and groaning or writhing in pain. I carried my Kindle and tried to read while I waited, answered check-in questions, got my blood work. I didn't even have to argue with the lab tech about getting the blood from the back of my hand and what gauge of needle to use! She just agreed and got the butterfly. 

It is cold. It is a painful cold. Despite the Prednisone I'm in pain in my hands, neck, shoulder, and feet. Small bones. Not good. Once I start decreasing the dosage of Prednisone the pain escalates in proportion. If I could take it all the time, I would. 

I see the doctor in three weeks. I wish I could see her sooner and get it over with and maybe, just maybe find something that works. Nothing is working. 

Back to NaNo. I don't care for the story. It isn't that I hate it. There just isn't a story there. I wish I'd gone rebel and worked on one of the other stories I have in progress. I'll get my 50K, more than likely but it will be 50K of boring prose with no purpose. I think this is the first time I've had that happen. I usually know when there is a story. Generally, the problems I face is painting myself in a corner and having no idea of where to go from there. This is different. I don't feel any interest in it. 

Of course, you should pay no attention to this any of that because we are in the middle of the 2nd week slump and this happens every year. We'll see how things look next Monday. By Saturday, the 15th, we need to be at 25,000 words. After that, things tend to move pretty fast.  I'll keep pounding away at the keys.

To All Who Served and Who Now Serve

You were not chosen to serve this nation. 

You chose to do so. 

The choice to defend those who would not or could not defend themselves is a calling of which few are capable. 

It requires strength, determination, and dedication to something beyond oneself.

Some of you gave your youth, some gave your lives.

The hope our nation offers to her people 

is only as good as those who defend her. 

You not only guard this nation, 

you guard all that she represents.

You are the watchmen on the wall and 

our last defense in perilous times.

To those who gave their all to protect this land, 

to all who have served and are now serving,

we are forever in your debt.

For your service and your sacrifice, I am eternally grateful, not only for myself but for my children 

and their children's children. 

May the God Heaven forever guard you and protect you as you guard and protect all that I love.

Swimming with the Fishes

So... it begins. I got my first day of NaNo done and I'm nervous at how easy the words flowed onto the page. On day one. Without much effort. I ended up with 2122 words. The required is 1667 a day.

I think I'm terrified.

However, I'm rather impressed with my cover. This year NaNo allows you to create a cover for your novel and put it on your profile. Well, you could before but they created a special place for it this year. I couldn't resist. I love playing with the photo program and I had fun once I got started. I only had one problem.

Did you know there are not many free photos of dead bodies floating underwater? Really. I mean, I couldn't even find one on Google! I finally located a photo of a woman floating underwater with a copyright that would allow me to alter it. I used her head.

To top it off, there are plenty of fish photos but none with a dead body floating in the water with the fish. I got lucky in that the fish in the photo happens to be rainbow trout. This matters because I got the idea for the story during a visit to a fish hatchery in Branson, MO, a rainbow trout hatchery. Wasn't that lucky.

With my two free photos I started to work in Paint.net and the end result is shown here. I like the way her head is surrounded by a fish and algae. It sort of just happened. It isn't a perfect but I think it came out pretty good.

My friend, Doug, asked if I was writing a gangster novel. Actually he said, "Please tell me you're writing a gangster novel?" I'm not but then, it's early days yet so, who knows.