Don't Worry, Everything's Awry

It's Wednesday. Generally accepted at the middle of the week, some folks call it hump day. People will say things like, "It's all down hill from here." I don't particularly agree with that theory. It depends on who I have to talk to between 8 a.m. Wednesday morning and 4 p.m. that afternoon.

I mean, it could be an uphill climb if someone comes in and wants to discuss how I am mistaken about what they are supposed to pay and that if my boss had any brains, he'd hire people who knew what they were doing. It might be a slippery slope if the that person who constantly threatens to call HUD if they don't get their way comes in. I mean, that doesn't scare me but it does other people in my office. I've seen people nearly wet themselves if you say, "HUD is on line one for you." Not sure what that's about.

Anyway, I just know it means there are two more work days before Friday. If I smile bright enough, clinch my fist,  bite my tongue, and tighten my glutus maximus while sucking in my gut, I might get through until 4 p.m. Friday. And if I don't I'll probably explode and take everyone with me.

Apparently, there is no escape.

I've been a bit under the weather. Not really sick. My pain is less but hovering around a 4. Most joints are hurting. I've had some breathing issues. Shortness of breath, mostly in the evening  or at night. Doctor said it might be bronchial spasms. I started taking a decongestant on my own for a couple of night and I think it is actually a bit better.

My neck has been a monster with a capital M. My doctor said she thinks the problem is wryneck or torticollis. I prefer the wryneck because I'm hoping it goes away. Torticollis can be debilitating. It is a neurological disorder. Just what I need, another disorder. Tends to strike women more than men. Doesn't everything? I've been using heat pads but the paperwork she gave me says it can take up to five years for some cases to heal. Causes vary from an injury to an infection. Well, I had a swollen gland in my neck about a week or so ago. Remember?

As a result, my writing this week is way down. I also had Sarah a few nights and that takes a lot out of me. so, here I am, with a kink in my neck and my knickers in a twist. Now I'm going to make myself go to bed. I've got to stop sitting up late like this. I need my rest.

This week will be the first week I have a reduced paycheck. Sixteen hours less on this check and it is the first of the month. That's two days of pay! May have to get the house payment ahead so I can pay it mid month rather than on the first. I usually pay most bills on the first.

Honestly, I'm not too bent about all this. That extra hour in the afternoon has been restful in many ways. A couple of days I actually took a nap when I got home and I still slept that night. I've been able to run a few errands, too. And a few evenings, I just saw and watched a couple of shows and crocheted. So, I think once I get used to it and get my finances organized around it, I'll be fine with it.

Must rush off now. I'm actually tired.

What Happened to the Happy New Year?

I am off today. They actually did the hours cut at last. We'll be off work every third Tuesday without pay. They've got the money so screwed up that they can't figure out how to fix it so, we are cut one hour a day and one Tuesday a month. Of course, you still have to do the same amount of work. I'm feeling very Egyptian. You know, bricks without straw? They would really like us all to quit so they don't have to pay unemployment. That way they could hire all new staff at lower wages and benefits. 

I've had a pretty horrible month actually. I don't know if I mentioned I've had a bad bout with my rheumatoid arthritis for several months. Maybe I did. I'm too lazy to go re-read. Anyway, I did. Pain and swelling everywhere and even the doctor was shocked. Demanded I go on the metheltrexate. I did. Yes, it was that bad. I've resisted that med for at least a year. I just started my third refill. Very little pain, no apparent swelling and still have most of my hair. It is coming out at an alarming rate but it has been for awhile. 

We went to my son's wedding in Arkansas on January 10 and came back on January 12. I think I already told this. My wedding anniversary was on January 11, the day of my son's wedding. Jerry and I would have been married 40 years that day... if he'd lived. He didn't. For David's wedding I was sick during the whole thing with pain in my neck. The meds had helped most of my pain but not that neck pain. 

Once home the neck pain worsened. I only realized a few days later that the lymph gland in the left side of my neck was swollen and agonizingly painful. When I looked in the mirror I could see that side of my neck was noticeably larger than the right side. I'd been having that pain for over a week, even had it go numb several times. I now think it was pressing on a nerve and caused that. I don't know why it is swelled but swollen glands are a sign of inflammation somewhere in the body. Nothing I could do. I called the doctor last Thursday and I'm to go in this Thursday to see her. Yesterday, it was so painful I finally put heat on it. Not sure if that was a good idea but I just needed some relief. It felt good while it lasted. Wish I'd done it sooner but it is very hard to define the pain around my neck these days. I can't tell what is spine pain and what is fibro. And both trigger massive migraines. All three respond to different treatments, each of which do not affect the other pain. So I end up in so much pain and confused as to how to treat it. But as usual, the gland is not swollen today. 

I want to go see the Hobbit movie. I don't have anyone to go see it with so if I get to see it I'll probably go alone. I am beginning to stay in more and more these days. I tried, really I did, to get out and do things on my own. I just don't want to. There really is no pleasure in it for me. This weekend, with my four days off I have sat on the sofa and watched t.v. shows on Netflix and Hulu. I did some cleaning on Saturday. And I did have a writer's meeting on Saturday and that is always nice. It is about the only time I actually see people I know and like. Today, I'm supposed to have lunch with my friend, Loriane but it snowed overnight so not sure how the roads are between here and the restaurant. 

I've been writing more on one of my novels. Probably the only good thing about isolation is that if you can stay focused, you can write a lot. I'm surprised more prisoners don't become authors. 

I'm going to get clothes on now. I've begun to wear those flannel pj's all the time at home. I was almost tempted to go to the store last night in them but decided to change. I just wanted a soda and my coat is long enough no one would have noticed but I have to keep some shred of dignity. So I put on a skirt and went to Sonic and then the convenience store up the street. As it turned out, there was virtually no one there but the clerk and they wouldn't have seen me anyway.

Now to see how cold it really is out there. Weather monitor says 21 degrees. I hate this place. I'm so sick of the cold, the rotten weather, the bad air, and the summer smother. They have two seasons that are bearable here, spring and fall. Everything else is rotten. 

Stay warm. 

Dixie's Monday Quiz About Me

1. It's International Skeptics day - what are you skeptical about?      Wow, what am I not?

1. I'm skeptical about any statement from a politician. 
2. I'm skeptical when people profess to care about me and then ask me for something.
3. I'm skeptical that the world will get better.

2. Wednesday is National Hat Day - what is your favorite hat?  Do you wear hats often? 

• I look awful in hats. I love them but most hats look terrible on me. All but those wide brimmed Southern Belle hats. For some reason they look good but only if my hair is down.

3. What one movie or two would you say should be on everyone's must see list? 

• I have a lot of movies I love. I'd have to say The Princess Bride is at the top of the list. The Lord of the Rings next.     

4. If they were going to make a reality show about your life what would it be called?

• The Next Big Disaster

5. What would you like to do for a vacation?

• I want to go to England and visit my friend, Jilly. I've made plans several times but was unable to get over there. 
• I love the beach too and any trip to the beach is a vacation.
• I've learned that just being home is a nice vacation. I like the quiet and being able to write, and work on hobbies is very relaxing. I guess I 'm getting old.

Now, you try it...

Just Before the End

Starfield
 (http://interfacelift.com/wallpaper/details/2297/starfield.html)

The old year is quickly coming to a close and I can't say I'm sorry. It has been mostly horrible for me. I had about three months when I felt close to wonderful and thought I might survive. I've been sick since just after Thanksgiving, most of this holiday season in fact, with headaches and severe pains in my neck. I've bought another pillow looking for relief. Too soon to tell. It is a memory foam neck pillow. Last night I used it and woke up this morning without it. So, not sure it's going to work.

I do have less RA related pain. I'm taking the Plaquanil once a day, Metheltrexate once a week, and 8 hour pain relief acetaminophen three times a day. Works better than the Lodine I was taking twice a day without the stomach burn. I still have some pain but it is considerable less. We'll see.

Tomorrow is a work day for me. I only work three days this week so that's a blessing. Next week I'll work four and then head to Arkansas for David's wedding on the Jan 11. I'll come back home on the 12 but I took some extra days off to recover from that horribly long drive.

Tomorrow is my baby boy's birthday. Must remember to call him. He'll be 30 years old. I wish I had a photo scanned of him to post. He was such a wonderful baby.

I've very annoyed with myself. I've been able to do a lot of crochet because it only requires that I sit quietly and there's very little strain on my neck. However, I've had to stay off the computer and no writing. It was simply unbearable to do either for very long. I'm going to have to find some sort of chair that supports my back, neck and head someway. My aunt suggested a recliner but my experience is that reclining while trying to read is one of the most painful things I've done. I have to be sitting upright, with my head perfectly aligned to avoid pain. Looking down at a book is painful. Holding one in a useful position is painful. Turning my head is painful. Any deviation from upright and straight ahead for more than a few minutes and I'm in bad shape.

Regardless of all that, I've set myself a goal for the new year to schedule writing and to write more. It's over on the other blog "Writing My Life Away" if you're interested. The link is above but don't feel obligated. I'll post progress reports there. . . {sigh} if there are any. This neck problem is causing collateral damage I'm displeased about.

All right, I'm off now. I only popped in to update those who are interested. No idea who is out there as there are seldom any comments.

Happy New Year to everyone, in case I don't get back before then.

Christmas Lost

I don't know why this was never posted. I wrote it five days before the holiday. Maybe I thought it was too depressing. That's never been a problem for me. Maybe I didn't want to be a whiner this year. Or maybe I didn't care even about this. But whatever, I'm not trashing it. So, months later, here it is in all is dark glory.

I looked around my house today and realized there wasn't a single sign of Christmas. Nothing. Not one decoration, no tree, no garlands, no lights. Not a sign that there is a holiday anywhere in sight, unless you count the wrapping paper from last year in the closet or the Christmas cards on the back of my front door from the family and the four or five actual friends. I hadn't realized that was a tradition until Sarah mentioned it the other night. "Mawmaw, you have your cards up on the door. You do that every year." She's only seven and for her, they've always been there. There are fewer cards each year. I can remember when it was covered top to bottom. I doubt she'll notice they are fewer since Jerry died. Haven't quite got a reasonable explanation so it is probably good they just are tapering off.

I have scads of Christmas music and considered putting it on the other night but decided on something with no holiday theme. I haven't made one trip to the store to shop. I haven't bought one gift for anyone but Sarah and I told Mike what to get and it is in my trunk. I'll send him for gift cards or get them myself this weekend. David won't be home for Christmas and I'll have to get their's then.

Yes, I know it is five days until Christmas. I really don't care. Each year I've delayed putting up anything until the day before. Last year I decorated on Dec 24th and took it down a day or so later. This year, I suspect, I won't do it at all. I considered buying a new tree but it'd be a waste of money. Mine is 25 years old. Everyone says I should toss it. I figure it will last as long as I do and then they can do what they like.

It is supposed to be a season of joy and celebration. I'll be glad to have my son home for Saturday and Sunday.  Sarah will leave for three weeks to be with him. So, Christmas Day I will get up at some point in the day and spend it sitting in a chair staring out the front window at a warm, sunny day or an overcast cold one. I'll do it alone. I have no desire to cook a holiday meal for one. I'll buy myself something just so I can answer the questions people ask when you come back to work. I've been trying to figure out what to buy. I bought tires for my car so could just go with that. That's hard because the things I want are impossible to obtain.

I remember decorating the tree with Mama when I was Sarah's age. I remember how much fun it was and how exciting to see presents from people and to open them. I remember how the stores smelled wonderful and since we had a live tree, the house did, too. The only people who ever bought me presents was my aunt and uncle and my sister. Jerry always waited until the 24th then ran out to try and find a gift and couldn't. So I usually ended up with gloves, a robe, or a gift card if any thing. No, he didn't buy me gifts, or rarely, not even birthday gifts. Really. I finally started buying my own and putting them under the tree. I remember how disappointed I was when I realized he wasn't going to be that person. Anyway, I feel none of that and wonder if something is wrong. I don't think so. I think I've reached a place where there isn't much to celebrate. Every day is pretty much like the one before, determined by pain levels. If they're fairly low, I can function and actually do something, like laundry or cleaning the bathroom. I might get the last two weeks laundry put away while I wash this week's. If they're not, I have to figure out how to get through one more night and hope that tomorrow it hurts less.

And then there is this sense of vacancy. There is this huge, yawning, black hole that appears on the horizon in November. No light escapes it and everything is sucked into it. NaNo keeps it at bay but ultimately, in December it begins its ascent. It will reach zenith sometime around January 29 and begin to slid into the abyss by the end of February. The days will be long and blacker than the backside of hell.