The weekend is a day closer. I have had a terrible headache all day. I forgot to take an allergy pill but did after I got to work. I did my exercises, too.
I discovered have to stop taking the St. John's Wort, at least for a bit. My hair loss has escalated to worrisome proportions for me. I'm losing it at an rate that I feel is not normal. I see my doctor in a couple of weeks and will bring this up. But, I did research again on SJW and found hair loss is a side effect. I do not remember this being a problem when I took it over 10 years ago and I took it for several years! But I also was not taking other medications that also can cause hair loss. My BP medicines can cause this and I suspect it is possible that combinations may cause the problem to be worse. So, for now I'm taking it in the a.m. and will reduce that in a week or so.
I had to stop after that paragraph at work today because I got busy and the headache was just awful. When I came home I took an Imitrex. Only in the last 30 minutes have I felt any relief from that.
Tonight I am very bad. I can't watch movies very often anymore because I can't predict what will set off the flashbacks. No, they have not stopped. I'm just avoiding things that cause them. I happen to run across a Tommy Lee Jones movie. I have always loved to watch him in anything. He was dressed in a military dress green like they wore when we were in Germany. His build and coloring were so much like Jerry when he was in service that I simply imploded. I turned off the t.v. but the damage was done. Practically had to crawl up the hallway to the bed but then couldn't stay there and tried to walk the hallway. Couldn't walk either. Found myself more or less screaming in an empty house. I probably am fortunate that I live on a dead end street with old people. No one will hear me.
I can't do this. I simply can't do it. This is so horrendous and so unfair. I wish I had words to convey the impact of living a nightmare. I can't wake up! Sometimes I catch myself clenching my fist. Other times I find myself holding my breath, so much so that one day I nearly fainted before I realized it. I stopped but I started to notice that during the worst moments I can't breath. Maybe that's poetic justice.
It was not supposed to be this way. We were going to get old together. Life was going to get better now. We had hope for the new year, the first hope in so long, that things would be better this year. We were making plans. He wanted to know if he'd done the right things. I told him he had and we were going to start doing things for us.
I made him shovel the snow that morning. Even though I knew I'd never get out of that drive I had to try. And I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't do it. I made him do it instead. He would never say no. Never say I'm sick. When he didn't finish it I fussed at him about it. He said he'd do it later but he never did. He got worse as the day wore on but the house was full and I was busy with them. I never saw it.
I should have been taking care of him. All I did was complain about everything. I never looked beyond me. I was hurting all the time and that is all I saw. I watched him die and never lifted a hand, never saw him suffering, never realized that he was dying minute by minute right in front of me. In FRONT OF ME!
It all was my fault. How do you live with that? How do you get up, walk through a day and go to sleep with that pounding you over the head, stabbing you in the chest, punching you in the stomach? You can pull the covers over your head for a while but not forever.
I don't know. I don't know. I am just tired, really, really tired. I want to break the clocks, all of them. I hate watching them move forward. I hate the alarm more than I've ever hated any single thing.
I don't know how to salvage what is left. Maybe because there is nothing left. I don't leave this room except to eat, sleep and go to work. I don't want to go anywhere. I have no contact outside except my children and people I see at work. And I don't care anymore. It just doesn't really matter that much.
Saturday will be seven months. There isn't really light at the end of the tunnel. It is just more tunnel, a grave with the ends knocked out and a road laid for gawkers.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Emptiness
We all know when something is empty. It is without contents. Take an empty glass. It is a glass filled with nothing. But that isn't true really. The glass is filled, just not with something you can see or touch. It is filled with a gas. Air. So, in truth the empty glass isn't empty, and in fact, it is never in an empty state at all.
I suppose this would be true of all empty things. They say space is not empty, even though there is no air in space. There is lots of other stuff in space, some visible and some invisible. Science says that nature abhors a vacuum. So even nature doesn't acknowledge the existence of emptiness. It will rush to fill the emptiness, crushing the container if necessary, to fill the void. Everything is filled with something, even when you can't see it.
I am always gratified when spiritual concepts are confirmed with science.
In the center of my chest is a spot that you could fit both fists and still not fill it. Nothing is there but this great emptiness. The things that were there have been torn out, leaving ragged edges that scream in pain when something comes in contact. The walls have sealed off to protect and maintain the integrity of the structure. Still, it is a void, dark and hollow surrounded by a container attempting to maintain its form beneath the pressures of existence.
But science says this is impossible. I suppose in once sense it is filled. It is filled with the most terrible pain. Still, this is no protection from a vacuum. Breathing in a vacuum is impossible. Lungs collapse and blood will boil. Your body will explode as nature attempts to reinstate balance.
Unfortunately, when you are missing some of the parts of the structure, there is no way to maintain the integrity of the structure. It will collapse. It will be crushed. Nature. . . and I abhor a vacuum.
I suppose this would be true of all empty things. They say space is not empty, even though there is no air in space. There is lots of other stuff in space, some visible and some invisible. Science says that nature abhors a vacuum. So even nature doesn't acknowledge the existence of emptiness. It will rush to fill the emptiness, crushing the container if necessary, to fill the void. Everything is filled with something, even when you can't see it.
I am always gratified when spiritual concepts are confirmed with science.
In the center of my chest is a spot that you could fit both fists and still not fill it. Nothing is there but this great emptiness. The things that were there have been torn out, leaving ragged edges that scream in pain when something comes in contact. The walls have sealed off to protect and maintain the integrity of the structure. Still, it is a void, dark and hollow surrounded by a container attempting to maintain its form beneath the pressures of existence.
But science says this is impossible. I suppose in once sense it is filled. It is filled with the most terrible pain. Still, this is no protection from a vacuum. Breathing in a vacuum is impossible. Lungs collapse and blood will boil. Your body will explode as nature attempts to reinstate balance.
Unfortunately, when you are missing some of the parts of the structure, there is no way to maintain the integrity of the structure. It will collapse. It will be crushed. Nature. . . and I abhor a vacuum.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Turning In
Something I rarely do at this time of evening. I think I'm going to bed. I'm so tired and I'm concerned that tomorrow my neck and jaw will be truly painful. I have been forgetting to do my exercises. It was easier when I had a coach but now, remember to do them is difficult because I get busy and in a rush.
Do I have to make an appointment for everything!?? How annoying. I was never a "by the clock" girl to start with. My middle name was spontaneous. It was what people liked about me. I could come up with something to do at a moment's notice. Toss me a few words and I can come up with a story. Give me a scrap of fabric and I will make something. Give me yarn, I'll crochet. But tell me to exercise my neck twice a day and what happens? I forget.
Anyway, I'm tired and can't take another minute. I always get a bit depressed when I'm this tired and so I'm going to bed. . . after I exercise my neck.
Do I have to make an appointment for everything!?? How annoying. I was never a "by the clock" girl to start with. My middle name was spontaneous. It was what people liked about me. I could come up with something to do at a moment's notice. Toss me a few words and I can come up with a story. Give me a scrap of fabric and I will make something. Give me yarn, I'll crochet. But tell me to exercise my neck twice a day and what happens? I forget.
Anyway, I'm tired and can't take another minute. I always get a bit depressed when I'm this tired and so I'm going to bed. . . after I exercise my neck.
A Quiz to Start the Day
1. What is the worst place you can imagine going first thing in the morning?
2. What is the worst thing you can imagine having done when you get there?
Anyone guess dentist & filling repair in that order? You get a gold star. I don't like going to the dentist at all. Not even for a cleaning.
I have a dental appointment this morning and then, on the way to work, I have to get my licenses plates renewed. We noticed over the weekend that they had expired last month. Jerry always took care of this sort of thing. I never had to think about it. I guess I do now.
So, won't be here long enough to really blog. I slept moderately well, neck is acting up because I'm rolling around and end up on my left side. I though I had that licked but apparently I've fallen off the wagon. I'm still sore but I am ambulatory so that is a plus.
I'm dressed and ready to go. My dentist is three blocks from the end of my street so it makes it convenient. I could walk up there in about 10 minutes or less.
But, I'd have to walk back...
I made the rounds yesterday to everyone's blog and tried to leave a note for each. If I missed yours it was unintentional.
I also cleaned my contact list. I dropped about three people. They have either gone missing for more than 6 months or we've had no direct contact for that long. I try not to be one of those people who put things on my blog expecting everyone to come to me and never bother to see what they have to say. I visit your sites, although in recent months I've not been able to do as much of that because I couldn't think long enough to get through them all. So, last night I went through my history to see who has been by that I may have missed. And who no longer come by.
I selected my contacts because I actually liked what I read on their blogs, or they were already people I knew and liked, or they were related to me and I wanted to keep up with them.I didn't add people just to have a big friends list to show off. It is the main reason I keep my contact list to a manageable size. After you reach a certain point, it becomes difficult to keep up with everyone so it makes sense to only keep people with whom you actually share things and who want to share with you. I guess I'm nosy but I like reading about everyone's struggles and accomplishments. I feel a bit more normal.
I've said this before but will do so again. The last eight months would have been even more difficult to get through had I not had this blog and all of you holding my hands. You have all been a blessing in one way or another. As I start my day today, you all are on my mind. I hope your day is beautiful and blessed and that no trouble finds you. You that remain are keepers... most of you have been with me a few years. Faithfulness is a virtue.
I am off to see the dentist. Oh, his name is Dr. Pitt.
2. What is the worst thing you can imagine having done when you get there?
Anyone guess dentist & filling repair in that order? You get a gold star. I don't like going to the dentist at all. Not even for a cleaning.
I have a dental appointment this morning and then, on the way to work, I have to get my licenses plates renewed. We noticed over the weekend that they had expired last month. Jerry always took care of this sort of thing. I never had to think about it. I guess I do now.
So, won't be here long enough to really blog. I slept moderately well, neck is acting up because I'm rolling around and end up on my left side. I though I had that licked but apparently I've fallen off the wagon. I'm still sore but I am ambulatory so that is a plus.
I'm dressed and ready to go. My dentist is three blocks from the end of my street so it makes it convenient. I could walk up there in about 10 minutes or less.
But, I'd have to walk back...I made the rounds yesterday to everyone's blog and tried to leave a note for each. If I missed yours it was unintentional.
I also cleaned my contact list. I dropped about three people. They have either gone missing for more than 6 months or we've had no direct contact for that long. I try not to be one of those people who put things on my blog expecting everyone to come to me and never bother to see what they have to say. I visit your sites, although in recent months I've not been able to do as much of that because I couldn't think long enough to get through them all. So, last night I went through my history to see who has been by that I may have missed. And who no longer come by.
I selected my contacts because I actually liked what I read on their blogs, or they were already people I knew and liked, or they were related to me and I wanted to keep up with them.I didn't add people just to have a big friends list to show off. It is the main reason I keep my contact list to a manageable size. After you reach a certain point, it becomes difficult to keep up with everyone so it makes sense to only keep people with whom you actually share things and who want to share with you. I guess I'm nosy but I like reading about everyone's struggles and accomplishments. I feel a bit more normal.
I've said this before but will do so again. The last eight months would have been even more difficult to get through had I not had this blog and all of you holding my hands. You have all been a blessing in one way or another. As I start my day today, you all are on my mind. I hope your day is beautiful and blessed and that no trouble finds you. You that remain are keepers... most of you have been with me a few years. Faithfulness is a virtue.
I am off to see the dentist. Oh, his name is Dr. Pitt.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Evening to Night
Mike and I went to church this morning. I don't want to say I didn't enjoy it. That isn't exactly true. I love being in church. I can't say what was going on with me because I don't know how. I was simply terribly sad all through church.
I don't fit there or anywhere. I have no place, no purpose, and no plans. I am moving through time at a steady pace with no desire to make a stop anywhere along the way. I have no identity and no sense of belonging to anyone or any place. If I disappear tomorrow no one will notice. Or care. Jerry would have cared.
My pastor was at church this morning and while he looked as if he'd been ill, I know he probably looked good compared to what he has been in the last few weeks. It was wonderful to see him. Our associate pastor, Bro Alvey was also there. Bro Alvey is a wonderful elder of the church. Just one of those people who make you smile and laugh no matter what. He has had many health problems in the last year and so I've not seen him in months. It was truly good to see these too great men of God. I do love them both. My husband just loved them so much.
After church Mike and I had lunch at Grandy's and I took him home. Then, I came home, changed clothes and sat in my chaise in the back yard for the next couple of hours. It was pretty out. I tried to read and couldn't. I had my sun hat and my my mp3 player so I lay back in the lounger and listened to old radio shows I had downloaded. Abbot and Costello can make anyone smile, I think. I read a bit and just sat with my eyes closed listening. I could have dozed off but I became uncomfortable.
Why was I uncomfortable? I can't put my finger on it. It feels like someone is standing behind me. I want to turn around and look but when I do, no one is there. I know. I know. Weird. I can't help it. It isn't actually fear, just a sense of someone in the space around me. I have never, every had this feeling at home, particularly not when I was outside alone. I finally came in and played a game on the computer and messed with my hair a bit looking for quick fixes for a quickly graying mane. The last six months have taken a toll on several things I fear. I considered going to church but I just did not want to go through that struggle again. It is exhausting.
I am very sore tonight. I'm going to take a hot shower and see if it helps. I am hoping that tomorrow I'll be over the worst of this. It isn't as bad as it would have been had Mike not helped me. I'd have been down for a couple of days otherwise.
I don't know if I'll be back on tonight. I'm rather worn out even though I've done nothing. I am sure much of that is from all I did yesterday. I am glad that it is done. The yard looks much better. I should have taken photos of those rocks! I may still. I really want to just get rid of them. They are so much trouble.
I hope everyone has a great week ahead.
I don't fit there or anywhere. I have no place, no purpose, and no plans. I am moving through time at a steady pace with no desire to make a stop anywhere along the way. I have no identity and no sense of belonging to anyone or any place. If I disappear tomorrow no one will notice. Or care. Jerry would have cared.
My pastor was at church this morning and while he looked as if he'd been ill, I know he probably looked good compared to what he has been in the last few weeks. It was wonderful to see him. Our associate pastor, Bro Alvey was also there. Bro Alvey is a wonderful elder of the church. Just one of those people who make you smile and laugh no matter what. He has had many health problems in the last year and so I've not seen him in months. It was truly good to see these too great men of God. I do love them both. My husband just loved them so much.
After church Mike and I had lunch at Grandy's and I took him home. Then, I came home, changed clothes and sat in my chaise in the back yard for the next couple of hours. It was pretty out. I tried to read and couldn't. I had my sun hat and my my mp3 player so I lay back in the lounger and listened to old radio shows I had downloaded. Abbot and Costello can make anyone smile, I think. I read a bit and just sat with my eyes closed listening. I could have dozed off but I became uncomfortable.
Why was I uncomfortable? I can't put my finger on it. It feels like someone is standing behind me. I want to turn around and look but when I do, no one is there. I know. I know. Weird. I can't help it. It isn't actually fear, just a sense of someone in the space around me. I have never, every had this feeling at home, particularly not when I was outside alone. I finally came in and played a game on the computer and messed with my hair a bit looking for quick fixes for a quickly graying mane. The last six months have taken a toll on several things I fear. I considered going to church but I just did not want to go through that struggle again. It is exhausting.
I am very sore tonight. I'm going to take a hot shower and see if it helps. I am hoping that tomorrow I'll be over the worst of this. It isn't as bad as it would have been had Mike not helped me. I'd have been down for a couple of days otherwise.
I don't know if I'll be back on tonight. I'm rather worn out even though I've done nothing. I am sure much of that is from all I did yesterday. I am glad that it is done. The yard looks much better. I should have taken photos of those rocks! I may still. I really want to just get rid of them. They are so much trouble.
I hope everyone has a great week ahead.
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