My doctor says all my numbers are perfect... except my BP. I've been issued a diuretic. Y'all know what I'll spend the day doing tomorrow? And it is recertification day.... 160 people in 4 hours for six case managers.
He wants me to continue the Xanax but half in the morning and a whole one at night for the next two months. I agreed but when I tried a half one on Saturday, by noon I was feeling it. This is not an anti-depressant. I'm not depressed. There is no dark cloud hanging over my head. I've known severe depression and this isn't it. But it could lead to that.
So, I'll take the drug for now. I do not like mood altering medications. I don't believe in taking them for extensive periods. This particularly med is very addictive they say and I would think so. You don't worry on it. We live in a society where worry is killing us.
I realize now that part of Jerry's worsening depression problem was another symptom of his heart problem. I can't go there now but so many things have become so very clear where his health is concerned and I can't believe that some of the doctors he was seeing never connected these things. He saw the pill pusher about every two or three months. No heart scan for a guy who kept saying he was tired all the time and needed B12 injections? Why would you give those to him all the time and not check to see why he was tired? Did she check his b12 levels? My doctor is doing that. Why didn't she?
I'm going to ask for copies of the medical records and talk to an attorney. I want to know exactly what kind of treatment my husband got or didn't get.
Anyway, physically, I'm probably fine. Watch my diet, exercise, and take the meds and I'll be fine. As long as I don't think a whole lot. My BP is a problem and has been for a while. Not excessively high but not where it should be. I am genetically predisposed to High BP, diabetes, and heart disease. {sigh} And I did aerobics and exercised faithfully for 30 years. So, don't tell me it is all about exercise.
Getting ready to go to bed now. I hope you are all doing well. Please say a prayer for Roselynn. She is going through a difficult problem right now and is also looking for a job. Anyone job hunting probably knows what she is facing there.
Do I feel better? For the next five minutes maybe I will. Or maybe the next 12 hours. I don't know.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Some Days . . .
You just don't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel at all well or rested this morning. I kept having dreams of Jerry walking down the hall, smiling at me or coming around a corner, smiling at me. He was always smiling at me. I even dreamed he was lying next to me with his arm across my waist. I could actually feel the weight of his arm. But I woke up.
I'm glad I've had no nightmares but maybe that's because the reality is nightmare enough. I don't know if these dreams are better. I felt terrible when I woke up, not better. Even my neck hurt again. It hasn't in weeks. I have a doctor's appointment and a mammogram after lunch so my afternoon would not have been at work anyway.
I haven't taken the Xanax this morning and I am hoping I can drop the morning one. I get so sluggish around the middle of the day and I can't think clearly. I have to keep my mind clear. My job depends on my ability to process lots of information. If I keep overlooking things or not doing this correctly, I'll have more troubles.
I haven't even eaten this morning. I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and that's all. Nothing looks good or sounds good. I did eat yesterday -- two meals. So, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. And with my blood sugar disorder, it won't hurt to shed the weight.
It is odd, when I was younger and had no children, I didn't eat a lot and I weighed about 60 lbs less! Jerry and I had one big meal a day and he worked and I was at home. I usually had a sandwich for lunch and that was it. I just never ate a lot until after the kids came along and I had to fix three meals a day. I still kept my weight down until I started college. Then, I got less exercise and ate things that weren't really nutritional. And I got "fat".
I have to go now and get ready for the two appointments. I've spent my morning doing nothing. I have no interest in anything. I read the blogs and posted something else but actually, I just feel as if my mind is empty. It is a unique feeling and one I do not like. I'm wasting the time I have left... that's how it feels. The Bible says in two places to "redeem the time". In other words, don't waste time, make wise use of your time.
Here is one:
I'm glad I've had no nightmares but maybe that's because the reality is nightmare enough. I don't know if these dreams are better. I felt terrible when I woke up, not better. Even my neck hurt again. It hasn't in weeks. I have a doctor's appointment and a mammogram after lunch so my afternoon would not have been at work anyway.
I haven't taken the Xanax this morning and I am hoping I can drop the morning one. I get so sluggish around the middle of the day and I can't think clearly. I have to keep my mind clear. My job depends on my ability to process lots of information. If I keep overlooking things or not doing this correctly, I'll have more troubles.
I haven't even eaten this morning. I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and that's all. Nothing looks good or sounds good. I did eat yesterday -- two meals. So, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. And with my blood sugar disorder, it won't hurt to shed the weight.
It is odd, when I was younger and had no children, I didn't eat a lot and I weighed about 60 lbs less! Jerry and I had one big meal a day and he worked and I was at home. I usually had a sandwich for lunch and that was it. I just never ate a lot until after the kids came along and I had to fix three meals a day. I still kept my weight down until I started college. Then, I got less exercise and ate things that weren't really nutritional. And I got "fat".
I have to go now and get ready for the two appointments. I've spent my morning doing nothing. I have no interest in anything. I read the blogs and posted something else but actually, I just feel as if my mind is empty. It is a unique feeling and one I do not like. I'm wasting the time I have left... that's how it feels. The Bible says in two places to "redeem the time". In other words, don't waste time, make wise use of your time.
Here is one:
Ephesians 5:15-17 (King James Version)
15See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,
16Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
17Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.
More Reports on Guardasil
I did several post on this vaccine last year and have been watching for further information ever since. This morning in my email I found these reports. If you have a daughter you want to get this shot for, please do your research first. I have a granddaughter and I dearly hope she never takes this medication.
Maybe I'm just stupid but I can't believe anyone would give a medication to their children without asking for information on side effects up front. I do this each time a doctor wants to change my medications. And since the internet, I look for clinical studies on them. It is in the clinical studies that you find out exactly what happened to people while it was being studied on humans. Be advised, there is even some of that information that is not released.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/02/24/Spain-Withdraws-Gardasil-After-Illnesses.aspx
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5gIPeSOSkC3zU3Xd4HMRiovY9ri-Q
Maybe I'm just stupid but I can't believe anyone would give a medication to their children without asking for information on side effects up front. I do this each time a doctor wants to change my medications. And since the internet, I look for clinical studies on them. It is in the clinical studies that you find out exactly what happened to people while it was being studied on humans. Be advised, there is even some of that information that is not released.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/02/24/Spain-Withdraws-Gardasil-After-Illnesses.aspx
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5gIPeSOSkC3zU3Xd4HMRiovY9ri-Q
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Week Begins
We just got home from church about an hour ago. Mike with me. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to stay. It is so difficult going to that seat and sitting there and Jerry isn't there next to me. So often he'd fall asleep sitting there and I'd be so embarrassed. I'd poke him. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't stay awake at times.
Tonight, I thought, I give anything in the world to be embarrassed if it meant he would be there next to me. And I'd give anything if the all the good memories would flood me as easily as the bad ones do. I have 35 years of memories and most were good ones. Yet, the last three years of our life together have been fraught with his pain and suffering and my frustrations and anger and those are the things that haunt me. The only ghosts in my house are of my own making.
A dear older lady in our church who lost her husband probably five or six years ago came over and spoke to me and said how glad she was to see me there. I just crumpled and said, "I don't think I can stay." She knelt beside me and said, "Oh yes you can." She talked with me a long time about her own experience when she lost her husband and she prayed for me.
I do have a good church. Several ladies came and prayed for me a bit later and of course, I believe in prayer. And I know there is no quick fix. Grief is like exercise. It only gets easier with time. God doesn't heal grief, he comforts. This morning while I sat in the morning service my Bible fell open to a passage I had, at some time in the past, marked in red. I do not recall when or why I marked it. I only mark passages that have special meanings or importance to me. Anyway, here is it.
Lamentations 3:22-26 & 31-33
32But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.
Tonight, I thought, I give anything in the world to be embarrassed if it meant he would be there next to me. And I'd give anything if the all the good memories would flood me as easily as the bad ones do. I have 35 years of memories and most were good ones. Yet, the last three years of our life together have been fraught with his pain and suffering and my frustrations and anger and those are the things that haunt me. The only ghosts in my house are of my own making.
A dear older lady in our church who lost her husband probably five or six years ago came over and spoke to me and said how glad she was to see me there. I just crumpled and said, "I don't think I can stay." She knelt beside me and said, "Oh yes you can." She talked with me a long time about her own experience when she lost her husband and she prayed for me.
I do have a good church. Several ladies came and prayed for me a bit later and of course, I believe in prayer. And I know there is no quick fix. Grief is like exercise. It only gets easier with time. God doesn't heal grief, he comforts. This morning while I sat in the morning service my Bible fell open to a passage I had, at some time in the past, marked in red. I do not recall when or why I marked it. I only mark passages that have special meanings or importance to me. Anyway, here is it.
Lamentations 3:22-26 & 31-33
22It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
25The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
26It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
32But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.
A Sunday
With chocolate sauce? No. Just a cold day. I went to church today and found myself frozen, not just with the chill outside but the one inside. Inside me. Everyone was so sweet and caring. They hugged me and prayed for me and just let me know how much they care. But I was like this huge block of ice.
I sat where we always sat. My aunt called a little while ago and asked why I didn't site somewhere else as I had planned to do. I couldn't. That is where Jerry would have wanted to sit. I didn't know where else to go.
And I stared at the wall where he often stood during the worship service. In my church, people will often move out to the front and the aisles to worship, some to sing, some to close their eyes to pray, some to stand and raise their hands and just offer praise,and some to lose themselves in a dance of joy. Jerry always found his spot along the wall with some of the other men and sometimes he'd clap his hands and sometimes he'd raise them. Sometimes he'd take Sarah if she was with us and she loved being where the action was. She's a little worshiper, you see. But I watch that spot and there was no one there. And I tried to see it but it was just a blank wall and I was too.
I don't remember much of the service, actually. I had taken that medicine and by about halfway through I needed to sleep. Mike and I stopped for lunch and then I came home and he went to his house. I don't think Mike is comfortable here in the house. He said last night he can't sleep here.
Anyway, I'm going for now. I think I will go snuggle under warm blankets and nap for an hour.
You should all go read my sister, Roselynn's blog. It is much more positive than this and I found it quite amazing. And encouraging for her.
I sat where we always sat. My aunt called a little while ago and asked why I didn't site somewhere else as I had planned to do. I couldn't. That is where Jerry would have wanted to sit. I didn't know where else to go.
And I stared at the wall where he often stood during the worship service. In my church, people will often move out to the front and the aisles to worship, some to sing, some to close their eyes to pray, some to stand and raise their hands and just offer praise,and some to lose themselves in a dance of joy. Jerry always found his spot along the wall with some of the other men and sometimes he'd clap his hands and sometimes he'd raise them. Sometimes he'd take Sarah if she was with us and she loved being where the action was. She's a little worshiper, you see. But I watch that spot and there was no one there. And I tried to see it but it was just a blank wall and I was too.
I don't remember much of the service, actually. I had taken that medicine and by about halfway through I needed to sleep. Mike and I stopped for lunch and then I came home and he went to his house. I don't think Mike is comfortable here in the house. He said last night he can't sleep here.
Anyway, I'm going for now. I think I will go snuggle under warm blankets and nap for an hour.
You should all go read my sister, Roselynn's blog. It is much more positive than this and I found it quite amazing. And encouraging for her.
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