On The Edge

I know I am insane. I know it all sounds so foolish and mixed up. I can't think straight half the time. I will be perfectly normal and it seems as if everything is just as it was. Then, something, a thought or word or fear will bring everything back.

Paying bills was hell. I kept going over how hard we had it for the last year because Jerry couldn't keep track of things and we kept getting overdrawn. I remembered at the first part of January I told him everything was going to be fine because he had finally let me have total control of the assets and we actually had a little money ahead for the first time in a year. He looked so relieved and almost happy. We talked about what we could do by the end of summer. Where we'd go. For the first time in two years we both felt hopeful and as if we had something to look forward to. How very stupid we were.

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick;". I understand the depth of Jerry's despair. So much hope lost until his heart was too sick to bear it.. Today, I watched as all we'd hoped for slid down into the chasm at my feet.

Lost in the Fog

I've been paying the bills that are due and trying to figure out how I am going to manage to keep things going on half the income. I have no idea really. I've spent the day freaking out over it.

I called and cancelled the cable but have kept the internet and phone. I could cancel unlimited long distance but that will isolate me because I have no family here. I could cancel the internet but that too would further isolate me since I have some family on here and my internet contacts. I am not sure what to do there. I may have to look for a cheaper alternative but it will limit what I can do on here if I have to find a cheaper service.

For a long time we didn't have long distance but used a phone card we bought at Wal-mart or Sam's Club. We rarely ever used it up. But we had each other to talk to and the boys so we only called a few people. Those days are gone. Mike calls me several times a day because he is afraid for me. He just came over because he couldn't get me on the phone. I was on the phone with someone else and couldn't answer. He was terrified. My aunt and uncle are calling all the time as is my sister in Florida and one of my brothers. And I need the phone for local calls and if I needed help. I have to keep the phone.

My car is going to be the biggest problem and I know once the insurance comes through I can do something to fix that but I don't know how long it will take. I could refinance the house but as it is now, it will be paid off about the time I am retired and I can't see still having house payment debt hanging over my head at 62.

Let's just face it. If my job goes, everything goes now. So, it is rather pointless to even wonder what is going to happen since I do have an income. My necessities are all I am looking at but there won't be house repairs that were planned for the summer, or any other time.

I am going to ask the doctors to re-evaluate my medicines since my insurance is going up in June and I don't see continuing to pay nearly $200 a month in co-pays for medicine. The only things I will need for survival are the diabetic medicine and BP meds. The rest will just have to go. I will take something over the counter for the RA pain and deal with it. I have until June to get that worked out. That's when the insurance will go up.

I am going to probably cut my retirement deductions. I have a voluntary portion that I can cut that will give me about $50 more a month. That will pay the water bill I think.

I'm only thinking out loud here. I don't have a clue but this is the realities of death. The living have to figure out how to survive. My advice is you better start counting cost now.

I know that Jerry really believed I'd still get his disability check, despite my arguing with him that I would not. He never really believed It. Someone told him I would. I did the research through the VA and told him that was not true. He didn't believe me. I don't think he worried about me for that reason. Maybe that was why he didn't really take care of his own needs. Maybe he thought I'd be better off without him.

I have a job so that's a plus. It is a good job and as long as I have it I'll be able to live. I guess. I can keep the roof over my head, even if the walls fall off at some point. I can keep utilities on if I scrimp on them a bit. Dryer will be gone by the spring.. Clothesline will be up. I may or may not be able to keep my car but I have to try and keep it. No more cell minutes even if it is pay as you go. By the time I pay all the debts I have to pay I might be able to buy some groceries and gas for the car. No long trips either.

I just don't know what is going to happen. I've never been in such a dismal place except when Jerry and I both got out of work. But that was so long ago and we still had his disability to pay basics until we got on our feet.

I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired.

Wheaties in a Cup

I left the coffee on the warmer all night and didn't know it. I could stand a spoon in it but instead I have added my sweetner and creamer and am drinking it. I haven't eaten yet and I find my eating habits have diminished considerably. But since I may need to chew the coffee, I may be able to forego the wheaties all together. I actually hate Wheaties.

I woke up after a dream in which I was talking to someone. I don't know who but I stuck my fingers in my ears and said, "I am not going to listen to this. I'm not going to listen to this." It seems I was in a pleasant mood in the dream because I woke up at that point. But I have no idea what they were trying to say to me or who was saying it. I felt as if there were two people talking to me. And I want to know what they were trying to tell me. I believe in dreams. King David did, too, and so did several prophets. That's good enough for me.

Then, I got up and felt normal. The house is still empty, vacant, waiting for Jerry to come home. But no one is here with me. My sister had to be at work by 7.

Once up, I walked around talking about all my marriage. To no one? To God? To Jerry? {shrug} Don't know. Thirty-five years is a long time and over all, it was a happy life. Yesterday I broke at the memory of the birth of our children. He was there both times and who will I share that joy with now? The trips we took? Our cruise down the Rhein River when I was so pregnant with Mike and "Ring my Bell" was blaring on the lower deck so loud we had to sit top-side to avoid going deaf. It was freezing cold and I didn't have a jacket because the day had been warm. I curled up close to him and tried to stay warm and stared into the dark. I have no memory of our conversation, just a boat cruising along a German river in the dark disco music floating on the breeze.

We did have several bad spots about mid-way through th emarriage. Very nearly divorced about 1980, came very close indeed. But I prayed and fasted and I believe the Lord saved the marriage. Yet after that, we couldn't go back beyond that point in many ways. We still loved each other but the relationship was somehow different. He blamed himself and I blamed me. Still, we put it behind us and had wonderful times together. Until he began to get sick in 1989.

Gradually, his medical problems grew. He lost the job that made him proud and gave him dignity. He lost physical abilities that humiliated him. He couldn't get a good job - so much for taking care of Vets and giving them self-esteem. The VA and you employers out there, you don't give a tinker's damn and never have about the dignity of these men who served you and your country. My husband lost dignity after dignity until there was nothing left for him but a cashier's job we were desperate for. And finally, his health affected the marriage in sad or painful ways that neither of us knew how to deal with and he couldn't face. He had to wear a machine to breath in his sleep... he hated it and stopped. He simply lived in pain from all of it, he in silence and I in anger, hoping to see Sarah grow up. He kept saying it the last two months. Did he know? I begin to think he did.

And I lost sight of it buried beneath an ever increasing weight of responsibilities that had once been shared. I didn't understand what was happening since his back surgery three years ago. I was misdirected by pain medications prescribed by a pill pushing idiot. Pills that probably mask the symptoms of a heart crushed by disappointment and life.

If you know someone who had been on pain meds for more than a year without a serious illness, get help now. That is NOT normal. That is addiction and will kill them. Remind them that pain felt means they are alive. Pain unfelt is death. These medicines affect the heart. Sleep apnea is a death sentence. If you live with a snorer, stay awake and listen to the breathing. If they have brief periods where they stop breathing, get help now, even if you have to threaten divorce. It will kill them. And if they are diagnosed, do not allow pride to stop them from using the machine. If you love them, fight every step of the way. And pray.

The Raveled Sleeve of Care

Macbeth said that sleep knits "the raveled sleeve of care" but I am here to tell you that it isn't true. I'm so tired. I worked here at home all day and I'm as tired as I would have been had I gone to work.I was glad to be out of the office, but as for sleep, I doubt it will ever mend the tears in my soul.

I feel perfectly normal for a moment and then, I turn a corner, glimpse a photo, see a sock, open a drawer, open a door, smell a scent, remember a smile, or a shared joy and hordes of demons come screaming at me and snatch my breath away. I can only gasp, clutch the nearest support, and cover my face in a feeble attempt to hide from the slashes and taunts of memories. A torrent of pain washes over me and everything is twisted and foreign and I'm cast into a place I do not know and where no one knows me.

There is no name for this pain. No word is adequate to describe it. And no sinner ever felt such a weight of guilt, regret, and remorse.

Day 23

Another day ends. I took my meds when I got home and I am suitably numb to most things. I still feel but the panic attacks have abated and now it is just a hollow shell that remains.

The house is deathly quiet. I hear all the clocks ticking. There are two, one in my living room and one in my personal bathroom. I never noticed them before. This afternoon I had to take the battery out of Jerry's clock. It drove me crazy when he was alive. It taunts me now.

I also had to change the sound machine setting. Jerry and I always turned it on to ocean sounds at night to fall asleep to. I am now listening to rain. How stupid is that? I love the ocean sound but can't bear to listen to it. The thought of it brings back unbearable images.

I saw the counselor at 3 and ran over 15 minutes. Bet that cost a bundle. Mostly background information on me. Who I was, where I came from, who my family was, my education. How dysfunctional my family was and is. LOL, I always find that rather interesting to relate. People have such funny expressions when you shock them. Have I ever been depressed, in counseling, etc. Yes.

We discovered we had two mutual friends who were my teachers. And like every person who has ever gotten to know the real me says, he made the comment I believe I've come to consider an insult. "You're a survivor," he said. I told him I was tired of it because it was hard work. He agreed it was. I go back next Friday to see how I am faring and how the meds are working. Call if I feel crazy or something like that.

My sister left a pot of vegetable soup on the stove and I had a bowl when I got home. I watched television and fell asleep for about an hour. I have spent the last hour working on a puzzle that my uncle and I started before I went to Atlanta. Now, I think there is a piece missing. It worried me for some reason. It's a new puzzle but Mike had bought a sofa this week and put it in the den until he could get it to his place. He moved the table over with the puzzle on it. Today he moved the sofa out mussed the puzzle when he moved the table. So, I think the piece is lost as a result of that. I found one piece on a chair. I searched three times for the other piece and can't find it. So, I may not finish the thing.

I put away dishes my sister washed, talked to a fella from the funeral home who wanted to talk to me about pre-planning my own funeral. That's a bit unreal since I don't even have the insurance settled yet. But logic says it is the right thing to consider, in light of recent events.

Huh, logic. I suppose it returns eventually.

I just spent the last 45 minutes talking to Becca and Sarah.

Now, I'm going to get ready for bed. The day is finally over.

I don't know about tomorrow.