A Princess Wows Her Subjects

Our little girl is growing. Sarah Cheyenne appears to be rehearsing for her big debute onto the world stage. She appears to be looking directly at the camera. I hope she will look at the world the same way, with clear eyes and courage.

In the second one you can see a small fist raised. I think she was trying to get her thumb in her mouth. Her daddy sucked his thumb, too, so it won't be a surprise if she does. Her uncle Mike did also.

We had to get a fixture placed in Mike's mouth to stop him. We simply gave Dave a choice. We said, "You can stop on your own or we can get you the mouth fixture to help you stop." He said he would do it on his own. And he did. He was only 5 but in about three months he stopped completely with no help from us other than an occassional glance and grin.

I think they will be doing one more ultrasound before she gets here. I will post them if they do. But the next photos may be of the the new princess.

Jerry was sick all week having chills and fever. This morning he got up and told me he knew what was wrong. He had a kidney infection. He went to the er and they are pumping him full of Cipro. He saw a urologist this afternoon.

I have to work in the morning and so I probably should go to bed. More news later.

Restless Natives

I have done several post lately of fictional stuff, just for the fun of it and because it struck me at that moment. I have found when I allow myself to do that I am a bit more focused on writing.

But I am still letting my work in progress languish. I am over worked and have filled up my time with too many projects. It is a fault of mine. I never want to be bored or have nothing to do. So I have all these projects to complete. I have now reached the update point for 2 websites, writing on two blogs (stupid idea that is), I have baby clothes to sew and things to crochet, I have a 40 hour a week job and just took another that will probably end up being about 5 hrs a week once I get all the backlog done. Friday and Saturday I worked 10 hours at the second job and did my bank statment -- no mean or fun feat.

Did I say I was over booked here? I probably need someone to give me some time management training but that would require a third job so I think we will just leave that for another life. Tomorrow I go back to the day job.

I think mentally I feel better than I have in a while. I actually felt rested when I got home tonight! Crazy, right? Well, not if you knew my household. As Mama used to say, "They are a bunch of wild Indians!"

Jerry and Mike fight no matter what it is about or where they are at the time. If they aren't arguing they are out running the roads looking for the next big deal in cars or at Walmart.

Dave and Becca just love to be around me so they come over. At which time Mike and David will invariably get into it, too. Dave & Becca just moved out two weeks ago but I don't think they are very happy in the apartment. Noisy neighbors at 3 a.m. Thankfully they don't come over then!

So, the house is usually full of people. And a part of me loves that. I never recovered from leaving home and a large extended family to just four of us in strange towns. Growing up there were aunts, uncles, cousins, and various great & grand relatives. They are mostly dead now and all the cousins lost. And a big hole in my spirit because of it. So, when the kids are here and the house is noisy... I feel at home.

But I do need to breath once in awhile. I guess when little Sarah Cheyenne gets here she and I will seek a quiet corner somewhere to have a meaningful conversation and get to know one another while the other Indians are doing their war dance in the other end of the house. At least, I hope so.

Flash Fiction on Sunday Afternoon

It was a smokey room with no windows and it smelt of stale beer and cheap cigarettes. The one bonus was that it was 30 degrees cooler than the night shrouded parking lot she had just left and probably a thousand degrees cooler than her flaming Chevy a hundred yards down the road.

The ancient juke box in the back was playing an equally ancient song that she recognized. It had been on the hit parade when she was 10 and going through her country music phase. The voice was as smokey as the room... what was that guy's name? She remembered she had loved his music but it was long forgotten now.

"What can I get ya, Babe?"

Now there was a line to get a girl's attention. From the cave-like booth where he crouched, he squinted glazed eyes at her through a cloud of smoke that boiled from his mouth, probably from the stygian depths of his soul. Betweet slack, wet lips she saw a flash of sparkling white teeth just before he stoked the fire again. Oh yeah, he was hot, all right, just smokin'.

"A phone book and phone would be great." She directed her attention toward where she hoped the bartender was in residence. Den was an appropriate term if this guy was any example. She had a sinking feeling that the night might not get better.

"Hey, Babe, I'll give you my number, you ain't gotta look it up."

She looked back and found that her imagination was taking over and Jaba the Hutt was leering at her. Great, just what she needed. She could only hope he was as hampered walking as the original Hutt had been because she was no Princess Leia and there was not going to be a Luke Skywalker or Han Solo appear to rescue her.

She moved toward the end of the bar, supressing a grin. She wouldn't mind Han Solo rushing in and grabbing her up. Of course it was Skywalker who always did the dashing moves, levitating while brandishing a sword at the bad guy with a girl on his other arm. No, Solo was just handing out the grins, hugs, and kisses in dark corners of the Falcon. She sighed. There weren't going to be any heros in this tale. She just had a bad feeling about it.

"Excuse me," she said as the bartender moved her way, "do you have a phone book. My car just blew up and I need a tow."

His eyes widened and his mouth formed an O before he replied, "Honey, you won't get a tow tonight, not around here. You are 75 miles from a real town and the only garage we have locally is run by that slug you passed on the way in. And he is in no shape to drive anyone anywhere unless it is to hell."

I turned back to stare at the Hutt. He grinned a whisky grin and wiggled his fingers at me. Oh God, the night was not going well at all. What little space she had acquired between her and trouble just went up in smoke.

Don't Make Me Blush!

Went to the doctor today for a follow-up. She gave me samples of a med called Niaspan. It is a time released formula of Niacin, supposedly better tolerated since it is time released. I have the most terrible side effect.

Regular niacin can cause flushing of the skin, itching and burning. I took it years ago and had a mild reaction to it. It is not pleasant. I had the reaction on the Niaspan tonight. Within 30 minutes of taking it I looked like I had been dropped in oil and felt that someone had covered me with a million fire ants. Itching, burning and severe redness were full blown in less than 2 minutes after onset of the symptoms.

I called the pharmacy to see if there is anything I could do. There wasn't and I needed to watch for an additional thing. If I had trouble breathing I was to go immediately to the ER. And since this was time release... I might have repeating occurances all night long. Nice, huh? He recommended a cool shower to see if it helped with burning. It did while I was in the shower and an aspirin. But I can't stay in the shower all night! He didn't know why the aspirin helped but he said he had found it did. I was game by then so tried it.

I called the doctor and she said pretty much what the pharmacist said but also said I could take an benedryl for the itching. So, I have gone from one additional pill to three!

Well, after about an hour it began to taper off. I got less red, less itching, and burning. Lasted about 30 minutes and then started again. This time it was not so severe. At the moment it is tapering off again. I guess we will see what happens. I have to go to bed because I am tired but I don't know if sleep will be possible.

I have discovered a new meaning to the phrase, "Don't make me blush!"

Passing on Excitement

Today Dave and Becca are moving into their apartment. I don't think either of them is thrilled because they don't have money or jobs and it is not the nicest thing to have to live in the projects. Unfortunately, life bites sometimes and the things we want are just not within our grasp. It is a hard lesson he is learning.

Things around here are, as a result, pretty messy. I don't know how I will ever get it all straightened out, AGAIN. Everytime I think it will be fine, someone has to move in and distupt everything. I know they don't do it on purpose but I just wish they had someplace else to go once in awhile.

I won't gripe too much. They are my kids and I am very glad to have them all here. I just don't like all the stress of trying to clean house after so many people and find a place to store all the junk.

I am out of space, out of time, and out of sorts. I would love to have a nice quiet house that smells like I just cleaned top to bottom. I have given up. I need that cleaning team with those two British women. I bet they could straighten everything up in a tick.

I am out of here now. I thought I would be able to dash off something exciting but suddenly realized that exciting around here usually means an emergency room trip, court proceedings, or things involving long black cars. I think I'll pass.

Dancing on Wet Pavement

She danced across the wet pavement, arms stretched to the heavens, head thrown back to receive the blessing of the rain. Thunder rumbled and clouds roiled but there was no lightening, only the sound of heavenly furniture being moved through the halls by angels. She laughed at her own imagination.

Her heels make an interesting sound on the sidewalk as she continued her journey to her car, the rhythm becoming a tap dance. The store windows streamed with rain, everything, all the things people craved, were now out of focus, unimportant and obsolete. She needed nothing but to be alive, to breath in the wet cool of the air, and hear the staccato tap of her heals. She performed a quick two step and twirled, finishing by slipping her key into the door lock with a florish. A man getting out of his car on the opposite lane did a double take and smiled at her. She smiled back. It was a glorious day to be alive and dancing on wet pavement.

Rain Like Silk Sheets and Migraine Thieves

The rain is falling in soft folds, covering the city streets in cool, grey, silken sheets. Drifting around me are the soft chords of classical guitar and the room takes on a very melancoly feel that I keep trying to sort out. I find myself wanting to go somewhere and sink into a soft cushioned chair and watch the world through blurred windows.

The day is slipping away and I am here, in a brick and steel box, envious of the rain.

I had a migraine last night. Today I am better but the feeling I am always left with is that I missed or lost something. The migraine thief slipped in and took away another day. Of course, it isn't true but that is the way it feels. I don't know where that comes from, just as I don't know what triggers the pain. That crawly feel in my head, that precursor to the real pain, keeps one on edge and so perhaps that is the source.

Tuesday Masquerade

Ah, Tuesday, second day of the week, day before the middle day of the week which will signify the week is half over. I could learn to like Tuesday - except that my desk is running over because yesterday was a holiday. Never mind that for the whole month of May I have actually had 10 working days to do my job. Everything else was meetings, holidays, vacations, business trip, and interruptions. Heaven forbid if the paperwork falls below the level of my head for more than one day.

On top of that, this is the end of the month and things only roll faster when they are headed downhill.

I also wonder what all these people do when they aren't in my office turning in more paperwork or calling to complain that they are paying too much rent? Sadly, I have no one to call and complain about my rent.

This Tuesday looks suspiciously like a Monday.

End of a Holiday

The long weekend ends tonight. I go back to the mill tomorrow and put my nose to the grindstone. I always hate the end of the day when it is the last day of a weekend or holiday. It is so depressing.

Today I went to the store and picked up some panels to make a couple of maternity skirts for Becca. I made two skirts and hemmed three of them between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I love sewing but I am usually just tired after work and don't want to do anything at all.

I think, however, that I am going to make myself a skirt soon. One of the fabrics I used made a beautiful skirt and I want one out of it. I have enough to probably make three more skirts. I also have a crate of fabric from when I sewed all my own clothes. So, with a baby girl on the way I will have to make a better effort to sew more, I guess.

Good night friends, if you are reading this. I am done for this holiday. Next holiday is July 4 and I am supposed to go out of town on the Saturday before to a concert in Owensboro KY... Crabbe Family festival. My uncle has bought tickets for us for Saturday and I think we will go on Friday night.

Remembering the Sacrifices

Today is Memorial Day. It is a day set aside to contemplate and give honor to America's war dead for the sacrifices they made to the cause of freedom and democracy.

Take a moment today, particularly if you are an American, to say a prayer of thanks for those who gave their lives. And for those Vets who are still alive, shake their hands or hug them and tell them how much you appreciate what their sacrifices.

If you have a family member who is currently serving in the military, thank you for the sacrifices you have made. Too often those who have no connection with the military have no idea that the families of soldiers and Vets make sacrifices as well. It is not easy for a spouse to pack up and move every two to four years and set up housekeeping, find new churches, schools and friends.

Soldiers may also spend months away from their families. Children may not see their military parent for weeks, months, and in wartime, for years. The soldier may return home after a parent, sibling, spouse or child has died, never having the opportunity to say goodby. Soldiers may receive letters from their spouse or girlfriend that end the relationship.

So, thank a vet or soldier for their service. Thank God for their dedication.

Everyone Needs a Name

Sarah Cheyenne is the name picked for out little girl. A bit old fashioned and a bit unique. Her grandmothers both picked out her names with her mama's final approval. We kind of like it. Sarah means Princess in Hebrew.

Cheyenne is a bit more difficult. There appears to be some disagreement on the meaning of it. It is, of course, the name of an Indian tribe. One posed definition is "those who speak in an alien tongue". I find this interesting since we are Pentecostal and believe in speaking in "other or unknown" tongues.

Somehow, it seems to belong to her already... and there is a nice story behind the choice. More on that later.

It's A Girl!

We got the news today that the baby is going to be a girl! They got there ultrasound and the doctor pronounced it was a girl. She said she has not been wrong in six years. I suspect that is probably because she also said when she is not sure she doesn't tell the parents one or the other.

They don't have a name picked out yet for a girl. They had one for a boy... but not a girl. So, now begins the fun. Trying to find a pretty girl's name.

I have to start thinking about sewing little girl clothes again. What fun that will be for me.

Do I Hear $5000?

It is another Monday gone and I managed to get a lot of things accomplished at work. I don't know about the rest of my life. It appears it is still in the pits and sinking fast.

I am praying for $5000. Seriously. I have asked God for $5000. I don't have any way to get it. I have no way to earn it. Now one is going to give it to me that I am aware of. I can't steal it because I don't steal, even if I had a clue where to steal that kind of money. So, I have told God that I need it.

You laugh. So what if I don't get it? I haven't hurt anyone or committed a crime. I have done nothing wrong.

Now, the alternative is that I do get it. At this point I don't much care as long as it is honest and I don't have to pay it back. If I could pay it back I wouldn't need it. So let's say by some means I do get it. Then, I have done nothing wrong. I have not hurt anyone, or committed a crime. And I can pay off at least some of my debts.

You wonder why I don't ask for more, say $10,000? Well, I believe that we are only promised what we need. I know that I need at least $5000. I could use $10,000 and be nearly debt free. I figure being greedy, even though I need more, is foolish. So, I ask for the least amount I can use. If God wants to bless me with more, great. If he only provides what I ask for, well, I will be very glad.

I know, it is silly, stupid, ignorant, ludicrious, etc. Well, you handle your problems your way and I will handle mine my way. I am no worse off for asking if I don't get it and if I do get it, well, I figure you'll be calling me. I'll let you know how it turns out.

An American Haunting Historically Inaccurate

Another Saturday ends with me feeling as if I have spent a day working. Actually, I did work from 8-12 today. The rest of the afternoon was spent watching An American Haunting. Don’t waste your money. It is not worth it. I love movies like The Others, The Sixth Sense, and The Village. And this movie started out interesting but it has a lame ending and leaves you feeling like you missed something or that the writers ran out of ideas and just tossed in child molesters because NBC Dateline is getting kudos for catching predators.

I was already familiar with the Bell Witch case in Tennessee. I have read several stories about it and when I saw this movie was based on that case, I searched on-line to read up again. I was truly looking forward to seeing how they used the most documented haunting case in American history to make a movie where it was “happening again”. The truth is that it was about an hour and a half of a very pretty girl screaming and being dragged around her bedroom floor and slapped by invisible hands.

The other children in the household, whom the historical accounts state were also tormented the way Betsy was, were barely seen, let alone mentioned in the movie. People actually had conversations with the entity haunting the Bell family and yet, they eliminated the significant details from the movie. Most important to me was that the return of the entity 7 years later was excluded from the movie, even thought the entity itself is reported to have said it would return. They made it sound as if once John Bell died the whole thing went away. That was not the case at all.

If this were a fictional story it might have been ok but the fact that it was “based” on a true account, aggravated me. As a history major, I expect that when I am told something is based on an actual event that it will be true to the record in large part. They billed this movie as based on fact.

They did put a disclaimer at the end stating that the movie was just one possible explanation of the events as recorded in history. However, by excluding some of the most telling information of the original account they make their premise unbelievable… at least to me. It was all hokey by the end of the movie.

This had the potential to be a really good scary movie and turned into a statement about fathers molesting their children and the mother being blissfully blind.

Two thumbs down and a half eaten 3 Musketeers.

Wishing for A Long Summer Day

Yesterday was Beautification Day at the Housing Authority where I work. I was out hoeing, raking, and cutting. I am sore today. Rather than hire goundskeepers for their housing sites they get the employees to do it once a year. You could tell too, because there were leaves and debris that was a year old. No one had been cleaning anything. Government spending at its finest.

I don’t really want to go there. For two years we were in the papers because the all the guys in charge were mishandling funds. Then we had a year of relative quite and then next guy that came in did the same thing. Then HUD sends in the “roto rooter” people and we have had about two years of quiet. But who knows, that could change tomorrow!

I have to hit the sack in a moment. Tomorrow is Wednesday and the week is half gone. I have a business trip the end of this month and tons of work to get accomplished before then. I am out of vacation time, out of sick time, and so out of sync with working. I want a long, summer day on the sand with the Gulf of Mexico about 10 feet away. It is not happening unless someone donates about $5000 to me to drive off the predators.

Everyone is Boring after Fifteen Minutes

You know, I think most people are boring. Really. There is not enough to the average person to interest anyone for more than 15 minutes. Think about it. If the people you knew were interesting you wouldn't be scouting the web for blogs of people you hoped would be interesting. You would be having reviting conversations with the interesting people you actually know! You would be doing interesting things with those interesting people.

But no, here you sit, reading the thoughts, ideas, and predjudices of people you either don't know or hardly know and trying to find someone who shares the same thoughts, ideas and predjudices as you. And then you are dissatisfied because they are all. . . boring. Admit it, we are all boring.

My goodness yes, even I am boring. This is all about me, after all. My blog is about my boring thoughts, life, family, ideas, and views. I don't care much for politics because I despise liars. I don't care much for movies because they are vicarious living at its worst, although I do like Star Wars immensley... another world where people are much less boring. I don't drink because I do not like being out of control. I don't smoke because I have seen the effects of smoking on the skin of women my age. It is not a pretty sight and for nearly 50 I look pretty good. (No the photo is NOT retouched.) I have no intention of tanning my face to leather. And sex is only interesting for short periods of time and then you have to find something else to do. I speak from a woman's point of view. I am sure the male view of sex differes considerably. It is why men are often the most boring. Everything is about sex. . . even if it isn't.

I thought for a while that there might be some blogs out there that were interesting but they are all about the writers or their views of politics, cute kids, new jobs, other boring people, hobbies, etc. So, up to this point, all of the ones I have run across are pretty much just as boring as you think this one is. I guess I will stick to writing my boring blog and ignore the rest.

But now, I really have to go. I am feeling very sleepy. I did say most people were boring, didn't I?

Finding Lost Treasure

This Sunday is Mother's Day in Austraila. Next Sunday is Mother's Day here in the U.S.

I didn't know they had Mother's Day anywhere else in the world. The woman who began the tradition here in America was from a little town called Henderson, Kentucky. They have an historical plaque to show where her home was in Henderson.

I guess it is possible that they have a mother's day in a lot of places. America has given birth to some wonderful ideals. Celebrating the value of mother's and fathers is a good one. We even have one now that celebrates grandparents. Can't remember when that is but I suspect right after Father's day, which is next month.

Mama died in January 2, 1974. She was my grandmother but she raised me and in every sense of the word was my mama. I have never stopped missing her.

I hope that you will call your mother. It means so much just to get a call for no reason but to say "You are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me." Try it.

The Bible says in Proverbs 31, "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. . . .Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."

Mama was treasure. I've been broke since the day she died.

Vain Attempts

O.k. I need to update the blog and try as I might I can't find one thing that anyone would be interested in.

My week of vacation has been a bust. I spent most of it getting the house rearranged so we could all fit in it with Mike here now. I am exhausted if I think about it. I am trying not to think about it.

Today is Saturday and this post was originally intended for Thursday! Does that tell you anything? This morning I have spent reconciling my bank statement. I have $25 between me and next Friday.

I also finished a book I have been trying to read for three weeks. Not a bad book but not reviting. I made a mistake and joined this program that sends me three novels in the romantic suspense genra. They get to me about a month before they get to the newstand.

So, I get a early shot at them... all for about $15 a month, which is cheaper than going to Wal-mart and buying them if you factor in the price of gas. So far there have been three out of four shipments that I didn't care for. Since money is now a major concern, I put the account on hold until August.

I did the same with my panty hose company, Silkies. I buy them mail order as well. I am trying to figure out what else I can stop spending on. This morning it was 60 degrees and I had no heat or air on. This despite Mike's and my allergies. I am sitting here in my red study with a small electric heater trying to warm myself. When I get cold my joints ache with the RA.

It is still cool out but I refuse to give the energy monster any extry money this month. Vectren is a bandit gobbling up its own customers.

Well, enough of that! Reciting all my vain attempts to accomplish something can get pretty boring. I am considering working on an update to my website. So, with that noble endeavor in mind I will take my leave.

Regrets and Answered Prayers

Again I have waited until after midnight to post to the blog. I am not sure why that seems to be the golden hour but it does.

Tonight is the last official night of my vacation and I am finding myself very depressed. The last three weeks have been long, stressful, and depressing. Mike got his divorce papers today but still doesn’t want to sign them. We will support that decision because we also do not believe in divorce. We believe that there are other ways to deal with problems in a marriage instead of running away. But frankly, I would not bat an eye if he signed them.

This person’s behavior is not a surprise to us and I would commit a much greater sin if I said I was sorry she is gone. There was never a minute that we felt Mike was doing the right thing when he married this girl. There were so many red flags that it looked like a railroad flagman’s convention. For nearly a year, we tried over and over, to talk him out of it. We managed to get a nearly a year’s courtship before finally telling them to marry in December of that year. We felt since we couldn’t stop it that at least they could get a little extra money by filing taxes together. They had so little money to start with that is seemed foolish to not take advantage of something we couldn’t stop anyway.

I thought about that last night, about how I had called and told them to just go ahead and change the May wedding to a December wedding. Mike had asked me why and I said, “You are going to marry anyway so you might as well get some financial benefit out of it.” So, maybe I should have stuck to my guns and said “Never!” Maybe if I had just done that, something would have happened to stop the whole thing. But I didn’t.

I have many regrets but mostly, I think we all feel betrayed. She never loved our son and we knew it beyond any doubt. But we tried so hard to love and accept her. Jerry thought the world of her and really liked her so much more than I did. And we felt compassion for her because we knew that our son was a big responsibility for anyone and from what we had seen of her we knew she was incapable of handling a marriage to him.

We knew why she married him from our early conversations with her. She made comments like “this is my last chance”, “My younger sisters got married first and I want to have the first baby”, “I don’t like controlling men”. So many other statements that were so revealing. But he would not listen. So, she saw a disabled man she could control and she married him to get pregnant. When she found she could not have children and she couldn’t really control him, she arranged to dump him.

I think the most evil thing was that on Tuesday night she told him she missed him and loved him and on Wednesday night she told him she had filed for divorce. She told him she had planned it for a month, all the while kissing him, hugging him, telling him she loved him, and having sex with him.

I prayed for two years that if this marriage was not going to work, and she was not going to be good to my son, that no children would be born. I am so glad God answers prayers. Mike told me tonight, “Mom, I think I am going to be all right.” God does answer prayers.

A Day in a Feather Bed

Depression on a cloudy day is much better than on a sunny day. On a gloomy day the world is a feather bed, with no sharp edges, and the air--soft, cool, and sweet. Everything seems to be cushioned and blunted and you can sink into it, close your eyes, and close your mind. It is a little like a large padded cell. You can’t hurt yourself on a gloomy day because all the sharp edges are gone. And if it rains, it can wash away all the debris that has accumulated.

On sunny days everything has razor edges that can lacerate a wounded spirit. You look out and the reflection on the blade of the day blinds you and hurts your eyes. Green has become a weapon and concrete a furnace. Everything you brush against seems to have points and angles that wound. All you want to do is crawl back into that feather bed until darkness blunts the sharp places of the day.

I love gloomy days.

Today is a gloomy day.

Felling Trees and Planning Meals

Monday dawned as dreary as the previous day but as the morning wanned the sun peeked from behind gray clouds. Between light showers they mowed the lawn with a weed trimmer. The mower say idle and mocking, testament to machine triumph over man.

She swung the axe and felled several of the overgrown hedges before handing it off to her son. He was far less skilled at axe weilding, despite being 27 years old. She had made sure that he had never had to learn such skills. Her experience came years ago when she had to cut firewood for the stove because her grandfather was too drunk to stand, let alone swing an axe. She had cut cord after cord to warm the house in the winter. At 15 her muscle tone was one models would envy today and she could eat anything she wanted. She could also move furniture alone back then. Times changed. But she still knew how to swing an axe. Tomorrow, the pain would be horrendous. Today, she just does what has to be done.

Now, her hunger was announcing itself loudly and she dragged the axe and rake to the shed and stowed them away. Something cold to drink and something hot to eat were as far as she had planned this day. Sometimes thinking beyond the moment was far more work than chopping down trees.

Soggy Sundays and Red Rooms

A soggy Sunday is always better than a sunny Monday. However, this Sunday was not starting out to be a good one. The morning was cooler than usual and she woke up shivering. Last night she had left the windows up to take advantage of the cool night and lower her ever increasing power bills. This morning she wished she had kept an extra blanket nearby.

Wind whipped the trees and the sound of continual rustling traveled thorough the house on the winds. The air smelled divine, even if it was chilly - fresh, clean, and hopeful. Spring was on the way.

She stepped out on the back patio to study a lawn in dire need of mowing and was struck by the intensity of green that filled the landscape. Only three weeks ago trees were bare and grass was brown. Today green leaves, green grass, and weeds were rampant. The mower was broken.

She wrapped both hands around her coffee cup and savored both the warmth and the aroma. Sometimes creature comforts were one's only solace. It was much too gloomy to spend a day on the patio in a soggy green cacoon. One last look, a whistle to the dog, and she closed the door. Her red study was much more comforting and inviting. There, she would try and shut out the world for just a bit longer.

Hollow People

Finally, a long week has ended and a new one begun. I don't want to live through another week as long as this one has been.

I find myself more tired than usual and more restless. I have a week off and tons of stuff to do. I have to make room for all of Mike's stuff. We have crammed 5 people into a space of about 1200 sq. feet. Closet space has become impossible. It was always bad but it is terrible now. No walk-in closets in this house, in fact, you can't hardly get in these closets. They have a door that opens and a rod that extends about 4 feet.... one in each bedroom. Two half size closets in the hallway, one is Jerry's and one has been used for winter coats. Now, Mike has to cram his clothes there.

I know I will get it worked out but not sure when. Dave and Becca have applied for public housing. That is the "projects" to you uninformed out there. No money means you don't live in the nice neighborhoods. He didn't really want to do it but even he can see that we are at a catastrophic point financially. My income will support me and Jerry just fine. It won't support 4 adults and a new baby.

Mike, of course, hopes he will be able to go home to his wife soon. I, and everyone who knew her here, seriously doubt that will be the case. This is not someone I wanted him to marry to start with but I put my objections aside for Mike and tried to make the best of it. We gave her a chance to prove herself to be what she claimed she was - someone who loved our son and cared for him. All she has done is prove that what we originally thought of her was true - a liar who was out to find a man foolish enough to get her pregnant. She was unattracive and our son was the only person she could find to accept her as she was - fat and a sloppy housekeeper. I hope she is completely out of our lives now. She has systematically destroyed everything he had when he met her, including his peace of mind. He has no place to live, no car, no money, and even if he had those things, all the furniture he had when he married her is gone and he has a judgement she caused when she broke their lease to move away. He can't buy a car until it is paid and he has no way to pay it. And he is suffering from severe depression and can't sleep or eat.

Am I being bitchy? Maybe so. I just believe in calling a spade a spade. We all have choices that we make regarding our lives and how we treat others. I despise liars and those who approach me under false pretenses. Invariably they think I am stupid. Equally invariably, I am not. I am seldom fooled. I wasn't fooled this time either. I suspended my belief to give the person a chance to show me what they were made of. Turns out they were hollow and I was right.

Friday Fantasies Foster Fervor For Fun

I am considering lobbying to make Friday the first day of the week. Now before you go saying that it is a crazy idea, think about it. It makes sense.

You get to Friday and you have two free days to look forward to. So, you begin Friday with a positive outlook, as opposed to the Monday morning blahs with its negative outlook toward a long, stress-filled week. On Friday you are thinking about what you will be doing that night and for the next two days. Those thoughts are usually pleasurable.

These positive thoughts often make the day much more pleasant and one often feels it is passing quickly as a result of positive feelings. Throughout the day one can be found contemplating lounging on the patio with a cold drink, warm sun bathing one's body, a good book abandoned on the nearby table but ready to hand should you decide to dive into its pages again. There may be music playing nearby as a gentle breeze wafts across your body. These thoughts alone can make the typical workday stresses evaporate in minutes.

Or perhaps you enjoy working in your yard or on your balcony garden, the warm earth evocking memories of childhood. The warm sun on your back, soothing tense muscles.

So, Friday as the first day of the week sounds like a great idea to me. You start the week with a great outlook. Besides, with Thursday eliminated, it makes for a very short work week!

Terminating Thursdays

Thursdays are really annoying. I think they should take Thursdays completely out of the calendar. It is the day before the last day of the week. You spend Wendsday thinking, "Oh, I am halfway there!"

But then Thursday gets in the way. Thursdays you wake up thinking I still have to get through two more days. No, I think Thursdays should be eliminated.

Really, what happens on Thursdays? Have any great events in history happened on Thursdays? Anything earth shattering? I truly doubt it. All the momentous things happen on Friday night.

That is so Saturday can be spent regretting it. By Monday you should be over it.

Breath Taking

Close your eyes.

Relax.

Breathe.

Breathe in. 1..2..3..4..5

Breathe out. 1..2..3..4..5

Breathe.

Stretch.

Much better.

Now, where was I?

Smiling through Tears

It would be nice to write some extraordinary news here and say that life is totally grand. Today is not the day.

Mike flew home last Tuesday, supposedly to visit us for 2 weeks. His wife had insisted he come home to visit. He called his wife on Tuesday night and they had a nice chat, he telling her that he loved and missed her and she responding in kind. On Wednesday he called his wife again because he was missing her and wanted to tell her he was coming home early. He had been miserable all day. But this time no I love you sweetie. Instead, she told him on the phone he could not come back because she had filed for divorce.

It was the most awful experience I ever want to live through. We heard him scream when she told him. When I finanlly reached him he collapsed. He had no idea when he left that she had done this and had started it a month ago. She told him she had been thinking about it for a year. Mike has a couple of learning disabilities and he has a very hard time with changes of any kind. She knew all this when she married him. But he loves this girl very much. He has pleaded with her over and over to not do this.

We had to rent a truck on Friday and drive to Little Rock and get his things. He cried all the way there on Friday and he stood in his trailer and cried "Mom this is my home. I don't want to leave." All she was giving him was shoved in garage sacks and stacked. We got home last night at midnight. While we were there, we talked with her father, pastor of a UPC church in Bryant, Arkansas and he said she had come to him and begged him to buy a ticket and send Mike home but that he had no idea what was going on. They had put him on the plane with $5 and no way to call anyone should he get stranded in Chicago. I had given him my phone card # in case of an emergency and he needed to call. I had no idea he had no money. She had taken him to the airport and told him she was going to miss him and kissed him goodbye.

Unfortunately, none of us here are surprised at her behavior. The day I met her I told my husband she was trouble. We felt that when this girl first came here that she was not the right person for Mike. She has been very dishonest ever since we met her and last year when she moved them back to Arkansas we believed then that she was doing so in order to be at her home when she divorced him. Mike would not listen before he married her and afterward it was too late, we had to accept her and pray about the relationship. We tried very hard to make her welcome in our family but she had proved several times that we were right in our assessment of her. She was just very deceitful and not good to Mike.

Two weeks ago, when he told us she was encouraging him to come home alone for a visit, I told Jerry she was going to divorce him while he was gone. I just felt it so strongly. The whole family was concerned. I tried to think positive, saying that surely I was over-reacting and imagining things. I told several friends what I felt was about to happen. Today those friends looked at me and said, "You were right!"

We now have both boys at home and a pregnant daughter-in-law. Financially we are beyond our means. David is not getting enough hours at work and Jerry is not able to work. Mike's social security benefits that he was drawing when he left last year are in a mess because his wife was not doing the payee duties as she should and he had to appeal their being stopped. We are waiting for a hearing to determine whether or not he will even get them back. He has no job and has limited skills to obtain one.

Of course there are two sides to everything. MIke has told us there were problems for the last year. He made some mistakes and freely admits that but indicates she never indicated she didn't love him. I have explained that it takes two people to make a marriage and she went into this one with her eyes wide open, knowing the problems. She never made any attempts to obtain counseling for herself or for both of them. Her pastor father had talked with Mike several times but as far as I have been able to determine neither of them were encouraged to seek counseling.

They put a learning disabled person on a flight through Chicago, with an hour and a half layover and $5, no money in the bank, and no credit card. Anyone ever had a lay over turn into days? Could you make it on $5?

Some people come into your life to bless you. Some come to destroy you. I don't think we have to ponder this very long to know what she was here for. I am so thankful she is gone and that God has looked out for Michael during the situation. We have had several small miracles since this happend. Not financial so much as confirmation of some things we had prayed about. Sometimes just knowing who is in charge is all we need to lift our spirits.

Tonight Michael was laughing at his brother's jokes. He has such a wonderful smile.

Dropping a Line

It is Wednesday and this week looks to be a swift one. I have a couple of dozen files to process by the end of the month, in addition to a move briefing this afternoon and a Landlord Orientation tomorrow afternoon. I hope the briefing is swift and the Landlords don't show up. I might actually get work done!

I took my doxepin last night and slept really well. This morning I am feeling better, less pain in my joints. I am finding that I don't want to deal with this much pain. I usually handle pain well and with little medication but this, this pain is unbearable. I would take Vioxx again in a second, heartattacks and stroke included. I had no pain on that medicine and felt wonderful. Death as an side effect of Vioxx? When I am in this much pain it is preferrable.

At any rate, today might be a fair day. Thank God for good days.

I am reading a good little book I found at a second-hand shop. I will probably talk about it soon. It is about time and how time is a gift from God to us, that together God and man weave time and how we do not view time in the correct way.

Gotta run now. Just wanted to take a quick break and drop a line and see what bites.

A Brighter Note

Oh wow! What a weekend. I don't know what I got accomplished. Most of the house is a mess still but I did clear the garage of junk for the trash pickup. And I had some time to work in the yard.

I was in an agony of pain for most of the last week. Friday & Saturday were absolutely the worst I think I have ever had. Leg pain all night Friday night, shooting pains from my hip to my ankle. It felt as if my bones were broken and I could barely walk...until I ask for prayer on Sunday morning. Went up for them to pray for me during the service. I was better almost immediately. But today the only pain I still had is in the back of my legs where I was bending over in the yard a lot. The rest of it is so minimal that it is hardly noticable. Always amazes me when that happens. How do non-believers explain it!

Mike is coming in tomorrow for about three weeks. I will be so happy to see him. I hope he can help with some of the stuff we have to do around here. I have been swampped and have not had enough help to get it all done.

I have some writing I want to post here later on but for now, this is it. How boring people must find this site.

Feeling My Pain

Today is, of course, Tuesday. I have had one of the most pain filled weeks I can ever remember having. And if one more person shows me their deformed finger and says, "See, I have RA too and I understand how much it hurts." I am going to break the finger in question.

Frankly, I don't care if you have a nodule on your finger or your big toe. If you were in as much pain as I am in right now you wouldn't be smiling, you wouldn't be able to point to one single joint on you body and say it hurts, and you wouldn't be trying to tell me I can't possible be in more pain than you because you have a knot. You would be in bed begging for painkillers!

In fact, I have a very high tolerance for pain and never take pain medications except when the pain has become excruciating. I was on pain meds two days after my hysterectomy and while I still had staples in my stomach I told them I didn't need anything. Well... it didn't hurt very much. I don't do mind altering if I can help it. And I hardly ever vomit either! My husband knows if I am sick enough to vomit he had better get me to the hospital because I am very sick.

This week I have been so sick with the pain I thought a few times I would throwup. So when I say I am in pain, believe me, it is not your average pain. Every joint in my body is on fire. Several of them feel as if someone has taken a hammer and shattered them with the force of a pile driver. My right shoulder in particular hurt so bad last night that the mucles in my chest contracted and if felt as if they were being twisted in a wringer. Someone shook my hand on Sunday night and I nearly snatched it back because his thumb had touched a point on the back of it that I didn't realize was sore.

My feet feel as if I have undergone some kind of torture with bamboo sticks. The last joints on my fingers feel as if they were mashed in a vice. And my hip feels as if it is dislocated.

So, don't tell me you understand my pain unless you have been hit by a car. If you haven't, I can fix that for you.

Someone Else's Answered Prayers

Sometimes God puts us in situations or places we find difficult or even unbearable. We experience great pain and terrible loss as a result of that place. In our despreration, we pray for God to help and to reposition us, to give us an answer that will give us peace or comfort, to show us a way out. But it seems that He has just abandoned us and there is no place to turn, no place to hide away from our distress.

We are often told that this is how we grow, how we find strengths that were hidden. Other times we are told we have done something to deserve God's anger, that this is our punishment.

But perhaps, the reality is much more important than that. Perhaps our position or situation is the direct result of a prayer prayed by someone else, also in straits worse than our own, someone who has prayed for a miracle for themselves or for someone they love. God heard their cry and in his infinite wisdom, looked around for an answer to that prayer. His eye fell on you and he smiled and said, “Ah, this is the solution, this is the miracle. This one will be willing to step in and help when the time comes. This one has strength they will discover in this situation and will move the mountain of another. But… that will mean I must allow them to experience heartache and grief of their own. Still, they are the only person for the job and they won't give up.”

So, only by putting us in an uncomfortable, even painful place can God answer someone else's prayer.

How scary to think that I may be the answer to someone's prayer. Even scarier to realize that God thinks that much of me.

When's the Prayer Meeting?

I was reading my Bible Sunday morning and ran across a verse that I don’t recall ever reading or hearing preached. The verse is interesting to me because as I read it, I was led to some other interesting verses that set me to thinking about prayer.

Many people often ask when to pray and how often or if they should pray at all. One would think that, if there was a specific scripture in the Bible that comes close to an answer, then everyone, every Christian, would be plastering it on the wall in a fancy plaque, embroidering it onto pillows, cross-stitching it on fabric, wearing it on a shirt, or writing about it in a book. And yet, I don’t know of one book out there that answers the question, “When should I pray?”

Yet, there it is in Exodus, summed up in two verses. The minimum daily requirement is twice a day.

Exodus 30:7&8
7. And Aaron shall burn thereon sweet incense every morning: when he dresseth the lamps, he shall burn incense upon it.

8. And when Aaron lighteth the lamps at even, he shall burn incense upon it, a perpetual incense before the Lord throughout your generations.

As far as I can recall, Jesus never told his disciples how often to pray. He gave them a formula in the Lord’s Prayer on how to pray but he didn’t say a thing about how many times a day we are to pray according to that formula. Could it be that Jesus, knowing this scripture was there, expected everyone to know how often they were to pray?

I decided to do a search of the word “incense” in the Bible in an attempt to better understand how it was being used. I found that incense, in scripture at least, seems to represent prayer and there are many Old Testament scriptures that mention incense, hundreds, in fact. I recount only a few here that I felt were important and support my theory.

Leviticus 16: 13 describes praying for mercy. “And he shall put the incense upon the fire before the Lord, that the cloud of the incense may cover the mercy seat that is upon the testimony, that he die not: . . .”

Exodus 30:27 mentions an altar of incense. That would be an altar of prayer. In Numbers 7, the formula for the dedication of the altar is described and one of the things mentioned is an offering. “One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense...” This is an financial offering given with prayer.

Next in Numbers 16, God was about to destroy the people because they were mad with Moses and talking about him. The day before God had destroyed Korah and his family for the same offense. The Hebrews were scared to death then, but the next day they were complaining about it. God had just about had enough of this whining bunch of wimps who couldn’t follow directions without someone drawing a picture. Here is what He tells Moses and Moses acts quickly to save the people.

Numbers 16: 45-47 45.
45. Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces.

46. And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the Lord; the plague is begun.

47. And Aaron took as Moses commanded, and ran into the midst of the congregation; and, behold, the plague was begun among the people: and he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people.

When I read this, I felt the sense of urgency that Moses must have felt. He’d had several conversations with God. He had seen people struck down and swallowed up. He knew what that one statement from God would mean for Israel. He and Aaron acted quickly and interceded on behalf of the people with fiery prayers, not just in the temple, but by running among the people with burning incense. Total destruction of Israel was averted.

In 2 Kings 22 Josiah is king and the priest comes to him when he finds the book of the law in the house of the Lord. The book is brought to Josiah and read to him. Upon hearing it, he is so upset he tears his clothes, a sign of grief. The book revealed to Josiah that the nation had not been keeping the law. He sent his priest to talk to a woman who lives in the college. Whoa, dude! An educated woman preacher! Who said it was a male dominated society?

Here is what she said to them in 2 Kings 22:15-17

15. And she said unto them, Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Tell the man that sent you to me,

16. Thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will bring evil upon this place, and upon the inhabitants thereof, even all the words of the book which the king of Judah hath read:

17. Because they have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods, that they might provoke me to anger with all the works of their hands; therefore my wrath shall be kindled against this place, and shall not be quenched.

(Note of interest: she doesn’t even call the King by his title or name until she is repeating what the Lord has told her. She refers to him as “the man” -- an educated woman, unimpressed with titles.)

Josiah sets about to destroy every place where incense has been offered to other gods! He purges the nation of false priest, religions, and gods.

Psalms 141:2 also emphasizes that incense represents prayer in scripture.

Psalms 141:2
2. Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.

Prayer is important and in scripture it is compared to incense drifting up to God. The lifting of the hands is a sign of surrender. So this verse could be said to signify surrendering to God and petitioning or worshiping him. When should you do this?

Exodus 30:7&8
7. And Aaron shall burn thereon sweet incense every morning: when he dresseth the lamps, he shall burn incense upon it.

8. And when Aaron lighteth the lamps at even, he shall burn incense upon it, a perpetual incense before the Lord throughout your generations.

How you pray is important. What you pray is important. Who you pray to is important. And yes, when you pray is very important. And if you want to pray more than twice a day, it sure can't hurt you.

• Footnote: One of the few places in the Bible where one is told “when” to pray is in 1st Thessalonians 5:17 -- Paul said to “Pray without ceasing.” Seen in light of the Old Testament events surrounding the use of incense, one can understand the importance of his instructions. For a perspective on Paul’s verse, visit www.cindysplace.4t.com and visit the story page to read “Time, A Place to Pray”

Ignoring with Bliss

She sat at her computer and pondered the expanse of white that waited for some gem to appear in black letters. Nothing happened.

It wasn't unusual. It happened frequently of late. This staring at the screen, wondering how to grasp a thought, clutch a feeling, or wrestle an idea and splash it across the virtual page. Right now she just sat, her mind as blank as the page in front of her, one feeding off the other.

The phone wasn't ringing, no one was at the door, and no one tapped at her shoulder for attention. There was pending catastrophy in her inbox, frustration awaiting in the file drawer, and messages in her voice mail. It could all just wait. She would ignore it all. She would sit and write something profound if it took her all day!

Someone knocked at her office door. "Yes?"

"Yada, yadayadayada yadayadayadayada, yada. Yada, yadayada, yada?"

"I will be right up. Have them take a seat."

Break is over. Well, at least the page is no longer blank.

Trend Setting by the Numbers

Ok, there has to be a trend here. Let's review.

1. Jerry has back surgery Dec 1
2. Dave & Becca have to move back in around the middle of December.
3. Dave & Becca can't make their car payments and I take the car over.
4. Jerry falls and breaks his hand.
5. The car broke down and had to be repaired.
6. The breaks on my other car need fixing.
7. The phone company says I have to pay Dave & Becca's phone bill since we had it under our account.
8. The washer breaks down at last. We knew it was going to happen since oil as been pour from beneath it for 6 months or more.
9. Our medical expenses are averaging $250 a month, nearly one week's pay for me.
10. Jerry still can't work.
11. David's hours were cut.
12. Becca still can 't work.
13. My mother is in the hospital with kidney failure.

What do you suppose will happen on the 1st of April?

Monday Memories

Do you know that Monday repeats? It does! It is here again. I could swear that it was Monday... just last week.

I moved furniture on Saturday in my living room and cleaned it top to bottom. I also cleaned mopped the floors in the living room and both bathroom. The whole house smelled better. Every time I walked in lately the house smelled bad and I could not find what was causing it.

So Sunday I was in terrible pain. RA is bad enough but when you move furniture... well, let me just say that I had a hard time finding a place that didn't hurt! I sat in a chair all day at the computer because that mean I didn't have to move anything but my arms.

Today, I am back at work and mostly my legs hurt. So maybe by tomorrow, everything will clear up. I am not counting on it but hey, I might get lucky!

I am so homesick lately. My brother, Bill, came through last week and spent the night. He drives a truck and was in town making a delivery. It was nice to see him. We visited and it was nice just being with him. I miss him a lot and he comes for a visit once in a blue moon. In the 18 years I have lived here he as been in my house two times.

It made me just want to see home again. There is no one else to see really so I don't know why I feel that way. Jerry and I are talking about a trip to Andalusia to see his brother and sister and maybe we can run over to Mobile to see my aunts and grandmother. My mother is in Florida and I could run by there on the way home. But this would mean about 5 days travel and that is no fun for me. Actually, I'd just like to site-see in a couple of places!

I never see any of my family unless I go to them. Except for my Aunt and Uncle, they come visit once a year and it is so nice. Right now they are visiting Austraila. I try and get to their place every year or two. We tell each other we are the only family we have. It is a joke, of course, but seems very real.

I used to have a big family. I was the oldest of seven children but they lived with our mother but Bill and I lived with our grandparents (Mama & Daddy). The others are only half brothers and sisters never really cared as much for me as I did for them. Maybe because they had each other. Anyway, the emotional attachment was greater for me than them. However, I discovered that when people stay away long enough, you stop missing them. You feel sad for what was lost but that is about it.

All the adults my life was centered around are dead now. The only person I have never stopped missing is Mama. I think about her every day. Somedays I miss Daddy, too.

And we aren't going there today because I have to work! The 15 minute break is over.

Junkyard Living in the State of Depression

Yes! Yes! Yes! Another Friday is here. I survived another week! Can't believe it. And I am much better tonight. Bit ticked off but much better. Do ya'll think I stay that way?

I do feel better but I had a bit of help. Prayed first and then was remined by a voice at my shoulder that I have several nutritional supplements that I have not been taking in ah... well.... awhile. Alpha lipoic acid, B complex, Ginko Biloba, Gensing, Milk Thistle... all good for insulin metabolism. But one is St. John's Wort.

Goodness, yes, I get depressed. You couldn't tell? People with my disorder are already chemically unbalanced. That's CHEMICALLY unbalanced, I said! They can suffer from depression brought on by imbalances in their insulin. Basic chem.

Years ago, oh about nine, I became so severely depressed that I was suicidal. Talked to God; talked to my doctor. God was the only one who listened. He told me I had a great mind and could figure this out. I agreed with Him. So, I went to the library and checked out a dozen medical books on women's health issues. I started researching for causes of depression. Did you know that lots of things can cause depression and it is not all demonic? Really! Diet, lack of sleep, stress, and many health conditions such as diabetes, high blood pressure, hormone imbalances, menopause . . . well, you can see the list is long.

So, once I found potential causes in myself, I began self-medicating with nutritional supplements based on my extensive research. Bad diet can cause depression but I had medical problems on top of financial stress (we were both unemployed for almost two years), on top of family crisises. I was a mess but with much prayer, proper nutrition and more prayer, in six months I was a new woman. I took St. John's Wort for three years beginning with one pill, 3x a day and by the third year was down to one pill, once a day.

Then one day, I went off them all together. Never had another episode, except when I am very stressed and short of sleep, both of which make each other worse. But in the last two years now I have taken SJW once and then only for about three days.

But about Wednesday, the big guy standing at my shoulder said I should take the things I knew were good for me and would help me feel much better in a couple of days. This week I have taken it again. In two days I am feeling much better and have slept better. And the lights are back on, dim, but on.

I am sure there are those out there who will have their own idea of depression but save it. I don't care. I know what worked. And tonight, I am living proof that once again listenting to that quiet voice at my shoulder is always a good thing.

WARNING: Herbal supplements can have severe side effects and may interact with some medications. NEVER take an herbal supplement until you discuss it with your doctor and with a pharmacist. I suggest you obtain a good book that will give you thorough information on supplements and herbal medicines. I did not discuss taking herbals with a doctor because the doctor was not listening when I talked about my depression. My repeated statements that something was wrong were ignored and I got sicker.

Not until I changed doctors did I find one who was very open to natrual medicines and worked with me. I was "well" by the time he saw me and his comment was, "Whatever you are doing is working so I don't want to mess with it." So, do your research and if your doctor will not discuss it with you, find another doctor. Expensive prescriptions with dangerous side effects are not always necessary.

You MUST not take St John's Wort with any other anti-depressant medication! Seek medical help if you are severely depressed. My way is NOT the best way. I had no choice. I had to find help where I could or die. As for prayer, it will help you get better and/or help you find the strength you need to seek help. It certainly won't hurt you... unless you have bad knees. But a pillow works wonders for that.

Bloggy Mountain Breakdown

The two post prior to this one were actually done Thursday night and then Friday around noon, respectively. I tried to post them both when I did them but the system kept telling me there was an error. It was nerve wracking, let me tell you. I am still new at this blog stuff and I have no idea of the havoc that can result from one misspent message. Is that how you spell misspent?

I kept getting a message that said an engineer was contacted and would check the problem. Never one to trust engineers, (everything ends up on a diagram that even other engineers can't read) I had my doubts. But I guess he did because now it is working and I actually did three post!

I am tired and I am going to bed. No late night carousing on the web tonight.

The Long Road Home

It's Friday. Is there any day more lovely than Friday? Friday, 5:00 p.m. is the loveliest time of the week. When I reach that place, there will be dancing and music. I will hear choirs singing.

Friday, 5:00 p.m., the end of the weekly journey to Hell and Back!

I am hours from there.

I hate long drives.

Searching for the Oasis

The struggle to survive seems so very exhausting at times. You look for places to lie in the shade and sleep for just a few minutes so you can continue the journey but the desert surrounds you and there is no water in this land.

You look for a different road to turn and there is no road at all. The desert wind blows sand in your face, and scours you mind and heart. You can't build here because when you try and lay the foundation for a shelter, the winds shift the sand and your walls come down. You are raw and broken, and so very tired.

So you continue to trudge through the drifts. Hoping, hoping so hard for a place to rest, for a green oasis where cool grass will refresh your eyes and cool water soothe your parched throat, and you can lie back and close your eyes in the shade for just a moment. Just until strength returns and your heart quiets. A place where all the world is quiet for just a moment and you can forget.

I only know of one thing to do but I still feel so defeated that even prayer seems a failure. Did you ever reach a place where you looked up to the face of God and said, "Let me rest. Let me just put my head here in your lap, for a little while, and rest. Give me peace so that my soul can rest. I am so weary and I just want to rest."

I have.

Some Days Life Is A Challenge

I am on my lunch hour. Eating in the office. I hate doing that but the lunch was free and since they say there are no free lunches I thought I should take advantage of an apparent one.

I usually have to get out of the building because I need a break from the stress. Today, I am doing that by blogging. Have you seen how many I have done in three days. That is what stress will do to you! I said in a very early post that this was my opportunity to rant. I think I have proven it.

Did you ever get so sleepy that you could literally slide off your chair into a puddle? I feel that way now, after eating. That is not a good thing. I have metabolic disorder called insulin resistance. Not diabetes ... yet. It is a precursor. I think it is getting worse but can't be sure. I take a medicine called metformin that aids in insulin utilization. I could tell the difference immedialy after I started taking it. But now, some days, I don't know.

Diet is a major factor in diabetes. I try not to eat a lot of sweets, but I do eat some. Sadly, despite what the "experts" would have you believe, it is NOT cheaper to buy foods that are good for you than it is to buy food that are bad for you. You go try and buy ground beef. The leaner the meat the higher the price. And go try and buy a sugar free desert item. Higher than the one with sugar. Try buying fresh fruit and vegetables. Way more than canned and the cheapest canned is nasty! We all know that the nutritional value of canned is very poor when compared to fresh. So, if you have a metabolic disorder they would rather you be on medicine... which cost more than food!

My biggest problem is not enough physical exercise. I need to move! But there are too many things I want to do, too many thoughts I want to think, too many books I want to read! I don't have time to exercise. And then there is sleep. I just never get enough, ergo, I am sleepy at noon!

So, today I am trying to stay awake, think positive, and get a lot of stuff done. Some days life is a challenge, isn't it?

Fitting End to an Unfit Day

It's over. Today, or rather yesterday now, is over. What a day. But in some respects it was good for me.

My little run in with my little co-worker was good. I was so distressed when that happened that I closed my office door and just prayed about it. I wanted to brain the brainless. But I prayed. And moments later I got an email from a wonderful lady that gave me some comfort even though she had no idea of what was happening.

I email her back and told her that her message had helped me and I explained, much briefer than I explained below, what had happened. I asked her to keep me in her prayers. I went back to work.

In the mean time, later that afternoon, another co-worker came and told me that she had asked the thoughtless one "what was that all about". Co-worker #1 told co-worker #2 that she had made a mistake. She had failed to read an email that would have explained what was going on. Of course she could have asked but she didn't. DUH! Did she come to me and say she was sorry for her behavior? No. I guess that would make her look bad.

Will she apologize? She might. This is not the first time she has done something like this. This is the third such incident with her in the last six months. She did apologize once before. Even if she doesn't forgiveness is required but I doubt I will ever see her the same way again. How foolish people are and how careless of the things that should be valued. Until recently, I had considered this coworker a friend. Today proved how much she thought of me.

Ten minutes after this happened I checked my email and I had a reply from my email friend. She told me she had prayed for me immediately. She had even written her prayer in the email and sent it to me. And the issue, for me anyway, was already resolved before I knew she had prayed over it.

Needless to say, but I will, I sent her a quick reply to say that God is good! And confirmation of His control is wonderful when you are stressed. I needed that confirmation to lift up a very beaten spirit.

God IS good.... all the time.

Is the World Filled Idiots?

I am trying not to allow nasty people to control my life but some days it is difficult. I had a co-worker come into my office while I was doing some work. She began to berate me because she did not like the way I was doing it. Her reason was that "you're trying to make the rest of us look bad". How stupid is that? Standing in the hall ranting because I was working.

If you have enough time on your hands that you can walk to my office and scream through the doorway about how my working is making everyone else look bad.... How difficult it is? I am last on a long hallway... everyone but the director is at least two offices, an exit hall, and stairwell away from me. When 5 people on this hall are gone, now one can hear me if I am in trouble.

Here's the deal. We have to send out approximately 200 packets a month. We generally do this in the kitchen as a group either in the a.m. or after lunch. No time is ever set we just meet and do it. We also share phone duty because we are short staffed and my duty today was at 9:00 a.m. Some people just don't like doing the packets and will straggle in but it doesn't matter because those doing it just do it.

But this morning, a bit before 8, I was getting water to have at my desk and I saw the packets on the table and thought I'd just get them done. Another coworker did all the letters and lables yesterday. So, I picked up the packets and brought them to my office, got envelopes and sat down to stuff them.

While I was doing this, a second coworker stopped by and asked if she could help. I said sure but I want to do them at my desk. I stuffed, she stampped the return and we both then put on address lables for approximately 165 packets. That left only putting the letters in the envelopes, lables on the files, and letter copy in the file! So, is this a problem so far? I didn't think so.

During the process, the crazy co-worker came in, actually stood in the hallway and wanted to know why I had come to my office with all the packets to stuff them. I said I just wanted to do it and sit at my desk. She proceeded to tell me I had no business doing it that way, everyone was supposed to do the packets. Her comment was that I would go to my supervisor and make everyone else look bad for not helping. I explained I had not asked for help and I was not the person in the department who carried tales to the director. I had simply chosen to do the envelopes early at my desk and what was the problem! She accused me of trying to start a fight! My response was that she came to my office, I did not go to hers.

She continued to rant and rave about how it made everyone else look bad for me to do them like this. I informed her she could go pick up the letters and files and sit at her desk and do them if she wanted to.

Incidentally, this is the same moron who was on phone duty the day my husband broke his hand and she was too busy to leave the desk and let me know I had an emergency phone call. Yet she has ample time to leave her office to rant and rave at me because she doesn't like the way I am working! SHE might look bad.

Someone tell me exactly what this is all about. Is the world filled with idiots?

Road Rash of The Soul

What weekend! Rain, thunder, lightening. It was wonderful. I love storms and could sit and watch for hours. I have a story on my website called Out Running the Storm. The site link is at left.

For some reason I am at a place where it seems the road has ended and I have no where to turn. And I just drive around in circles. I can't explain it better than that. Sunday night I went to church early so I could go to the prayer room. Sometimes, often in fact, prayer is the only thing that helps. It was one of those times when I felt like someone who has just wiped out on a motorcycle... you know, road rash of the soul. If I close my eye, I can visualize vast quantities of my inner self stripped of skin, bruised, scrapped, raw, and unable to pick myself up. And I want to scream in pain.

The trip to the prayer room did help. I did pray, for me and others but the strangest thing happened. I suddenly found myself praying, "Hide me." Yes, I was saying over and over, "Hide me." It was very strange but I realized it was what I wanted so much that it hurt. I just want to slip off somewhere and hide, put my head on a pillow and curl up in a warm, dark cave and feel that someone else was worrying about things outside. I wish it were that simple. Yes, I feel better but road rash takes a while to heal. And I still have to find the road.

I also suffered from a migarine that started on Saturday and lasted until Sunday afternoon. Believe it or not, a cup of coffee helped! I usually take Imitrex but unfortunately, at the moment, I am not able to pay the co-pay on it and so have nothing to take. Spring and fall are the worst times of the year for me in regard to migraines. I seem to get more during those times than any other.

I am a bit annoyed at myself, too. I have not been writing lately. I got back on that history board and totally derailed. I am also behind in sewing for Becca. I have several things cut out and ready to sew. Must get those done this week. She won't have any clothes if I don't.

Now it is Tuesday, and my post is a day late. I gotta get back in a groove! I hope this week is uneventful.

The Clocks are Ticking!

Ok, everyone, look up. See that little bar with the baby? That tells us approximately where we are on the baby scale. Isn’t that cute? Another way to tell time.

Speaking of time, if you look to the left you will see the list of months in which I made a post. Did anyone realize this is the fifth month since I started this blog? I certainly didn't. I can't believe it has been that long. It feels like a few weeks ago but looking at that list tells me I am wrong.

It goes back to that time dilation thing I mentioned in an earlier post. A moving clock runs faster than a stationery one. I am telling you, that Einstein was a real genius. It is an interesting theory and one I seem to be able to prove at the drop of a hat! I find it utterly engrossing to think that a little thing like gravity can affect time. And the Bible mentions this fact. “One day is as a thousand years with the Lord.” God’s time moves at a different, and faster, rate than ours.

Gravity: Grave consequence; seriousness or importance[1] ALSO The natural force of attraction between any two massive bodies, which is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. [2]

We don’t have the luxury on earth to pick the amount of gravity exerted on us. We can’t adjust it. There could be serious consequences with more or less gravity. With less gravity we weigh less (yahoo!), can run faster, jump higher, and our joints just might last longer. More gravity would mean we would be heavier, have difficulty running, jumping, and could be crushed under the weight over time.

Yes, gravity can affect your whole life. Choices with consequence equal problems, exerting a force against you. The farther you are from the problem, the least amount of force it exerts on you. We all know that worse a situation gets the slower the clock moves!

According to Einstein, everything is relative. We may be stuck on planet earth at the moment, but we choose the level of gravity we live in. Gravity = Problems x distance. G=Pd Whoa, dude! Algebra!

Notes:

Einstein’s Universe by Nigel Calder – a good book for a novice with a basic background in earth sciences that did not include physics (like me). Explains a lot of good stuff about Einstein’s theories that are truly awesome when contemplated from a Christian viewpoint. And they were easy to understand. Does take a bit of time to read unless you are riveted by physics, even though it is a slim book of less than 150 pages. Me, I get riveted by anything that has to do with time, creation, and stars. I fumble around in the morass until I get some sense.

Also, any book by Hugh Ross, Ph.D. in astral physics AND the founder of Reason’s to Believe. His books are tremendous for Christians who believe there is a scientific foundation to creation that can be supported by the Bible. This is NOT for short time span creationist. He believes in long creations days. When I say long I mean in terms of time, thousands of years. I pretty much agree with him and believe the Bible supports that belief.

[1]Excerpted from American Heritage Talking Dictionary. Copyright © 1997 The Learning Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
[2]Excerpted from American Heritage Talking Dictionary. Copyright © 1997 The Learning Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Feeding the Jackass

Today on my job we are doing client recertifications. It is always a busy time because we see about 150 people in one day, individually. There is tons of paperwork to complete and shuffle. I work in Section 8 housing. I am a caseworker. My name is not Friday.

Basically, I manage a caseload of nearly 300 tenants and I process the paperwork for all of them. I am also the landlord liasion for all landlords participating in the program. There are approximately 900 of them. I manage all their files. I am very good at what I do. No one else wants to do it, so I must be. They pay me fairly well for the job. They don't pay me enough for the job hassels.

I also give landlord orientations twice a month to familiarize new (or confused) landlords with the program and to help them understand what they can expect of the program. It helps some and there are a couple who have attended several briefings and still don't get it. They aren't paying attention to what I say unless it involves how much money they can get. These are the people who have problems with tenants later and call me to whine for half an hour on how the latest tenant catastrophy happened. I listen, offer help if I can, and silently tell them they should have listened more in the briefing instead of dreaming of dollar signs. You won't get rich as a Section 8 landlord.

And I am the general computer bloodhound. I am given a problem with a computer or software and I sniff out it out. If I can figure it out and fix it, I do. If I can't I call Tom. He is tech support. He gets paid for it. I don't.

My job is interesting sometimes. Sometimes it is not. I work with some nice people. I work with some jerks. If they read the blog they can decide where they fall. I am not here to make friends. I am here to feed my family. I don't really care if someone is a jackass, as long as they don't get in my way. I don't have time to feed hay to the jackasses in the world. I have work to do.

Ya'll have a nice day now. I have something better at home but I was too tired to post it last night. I'll get it later tonight. Maybe.

Anyone get the impression I am not having a good day?