It Fell

 

On Tuesday it fell. The axe mentioned in the previous post fell on Tuesday. The plug of my freezer, by some mysterious means, became free of it's electrical outlet and I lost an entire freezer of food. Ribs, pork chops, pork roast, chicken, 8 lbs of hamburger, several packages of fish, lots of frozen vegetables, some breakfast items, and frozen dinners. A full upright freezer of food gone. It was more than a month of meals. 

The bright side, if you can call it that, is that I could save the freezer. The weather has kept my garage a steady 100°. It probably took a couple of hours or less once the plug came free. The outlet is next to my garage door that leads into the house. It is possible we bumped the plug when some of us came in and pulled it free. We do not know how or when. I suspect it was without a couple of hours of my finding it since the garage was so heated. Whatever, we just know we lost $300-400 worth of food. 

In the mass confusion, I lost my key fob to the car. I panicked because that would be another $300-400. That sent me over the edge. I was afraid I had put it in the bags of food to throw away. So, had to unload all that bleeding meat and vegetables and check two bags. Couldn't find it. That meant at some point I had laid it down. I checked the house, the car, the garage, and no key.  The bags were to be moved but were heavy, and I could only manage a few inches. I looked down and on the floor lay my key fob. Why did I drop it? When did I drop it? I have no memory of the events at all.

I called Mike, and he agreed to come help me load the bags into the trunk of my car to take and dump it. 

Eventually, I calmed down, at least to a simmer. There is nothing I could do. I can't explain the how. I wish I knew the why. It's become exhausting to have a disaster of some sort happen every month. Every stinking month. For over a year now, I've had this kind of thing going on. I'm feeling as if Job may have been my father. 

My take away is that premonitions are real. And they are totally useless to prepare you. Their only value is to further stress you out once you know they're real. Here's the deal. I don't want to know the future, particularly if I can't affect a change on the negative aspects of it. It isn't a gift to know things. It is a curse.

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall. 

Spring Cleaning

 As part of my cleaning and scaling down, I spent a couple of hours working on my book case. I have a small box of books I'm getting rid of. There will be more. No one in my family has my reading taste and so there's no point and keeping them or passing them along. I also packed all Sarah's things and let Becca put them in storage. She can decide if she wants them or not. 

That was yesterday. I had to stop writing to pick up Madi from school. She's doing summer school this year. She had a blast but the poor thing was so hot riding on the bus. Her little face was beet red and she looked drained. "I went to sleep on the bus, Mawmaw. It was really hot." It took an hour for them to get home. 

Why would they not have air on school buses? It wouldn't even be used that much but in the fall and spring it still gets very hot and half an hour in a tin can is not good for small children. If global warming is such a big thing, we need to do what we can for our children when they're in situations that could make them ill.

Today, I'm still working on organizing and cleaning things. The den is mostly finished. After this, I'll be moving to the spare room. The single bed is probably going to go. It's unnecessary and it will make more room for my sewing and crochet items. I have considered making a simple Murphy bed frame. That way I'd have a spare bed but still retain space. I'll have to see how it goes.

Becca went to the a new foot doctor today and he appears to be more knowledgeable than the previous one. They put a brace on her foot and will be doing an MRI. Why the other one didn't do that I have no idea. The new one indicated it should have been done. She appears to have a damaged ligament and he said if it is, she's not going to be able to work at all until it is resolved. 

Mike had another episode with his anxiety. He's on medicines but for some reason it seems to not be working. Not sure what's happening there.

The last several nights I was able to get some good sleep. Last night we all went to bed by nine p.m. and this morning I have been pretty busy with various small jobs. Being busy seems to keep the bugaboos away for me. It is why writing was always such a wonderful thing. Maybe getting rid of the extra baggage will help. 

For now, I'll just keep plowing ahead. Time is flying and the sooner it is all done, the better I'll feel.