Don't Plan the Future

Finally, we got the mower, and I cut the yard yesterday. It took less than an hour and less than 2 gallons of gas. That's a huge improvement money wise. Weed trimming still has to be done, but that can be sometime this week. It is the one thing that is really hard on me. 

Becca says she'll do it for me, but she's having so much trouble with her foot that I don't want to let her. It was better for a bit but she went into Rural King with me and their floors there are terrible on any foot or back problem. 

Today we were going to clean the garage out, but it was pretty hot. I think we're going to have to pick a time either early in the morning or after sundown. The day was nice but very warm and just cutting low branches off the dogwood tree warmed me up. I cut several other things back. We also worked on our fire pit so we can sit outside in the evenings - after we get some bug repellent. Tomorrow, I'll gather the limbs up and put them in the pit for burning. 

My fig tree has some fresh growth on some of the old stalks. This is the first time I've seen this. Every year it grows new stalks. They die off and I have to cut them out. So, today I cut the old ones off and left the ones with new growth. There are dozens of new stalks coming in too. I can't wait till I can have some figs. I wish I had the kind that fruits in the spring, but mine is a fall producer. Did not know there were two kinds. 

I may see if I can order one of the other kind from some place. They're not native here and the birds have no clue what it is. Nor do the squirrels! The ants don't seem to have a problem.

Time is not my friend these days. I'm very depressed and there is no solution. Facebook seemed to aggravate things, so I deactivated the account. I'm not fit to socialize at the moment and don't know when that will change. I don't actually care if it does or not. 

The beautiful, funny girl I knew has gone. Sarah has become rude and hateful to us. She won't call and if we call, she won't talk to us. I do not know what the problem is, and I am devastated about it. She said she hates us and never wants to see us again. 

Burying the living is harder than burying the dead. Each day is a struggle to get through. More so because there is no grave to visit. No, I'm not sitting crying. I'm not doing anything but what must be done and I don't want to do that. Whatever happens, I don't care. Several times I've entertained selling the house. Today I checked on some senior living sites. My house is still cheaper to live in, so it is probably better to just die at home and sell everything. I just want to go home. And that isn't an actual place anymore either.

Note: check with the cemetery on the tombstone. I keep forgetting that. Also, call about cremation expense and if I can prepay. If I play my cards right, I can be in the ground for less than $5K. I mean, just dig a hole and pour me in it.

The other day I was looking at family heirlooms and wondering what I'm supposed to do with those. When you don't have daughters and no descendants, and you never know who the next daughter-in-law will be, you don't want to leave them to just anyone. I'm trying to get all my family history stuff together to give to the Genealogy library. But really, no one will care. My line ends here, so there's no reason to care about that either. 

I discovered too late that planning a future is a waste of time. Better to have just lived each day and let what happens happen. Your future won't be what you plan. That way, you won't be disappointed, and you may be pleasantly surprised. 

'Tween Days

 I seem to be on the mend. The coughing is better, as is my runny nose. I don't run fevers because of the meds I take, but the headache has also improved. 

I haven't slept well because I keep taking my mask off at night. Becca tells me she can hear me snoring badly in her room, so I definitely am not resting. I have to get that fixed asap. That can cause the headaches and brain fog. 

Today is a 'tween day. I'm between feeling well and feeling unwell. It is where I spend most of my time, anyway. We've had tons of rain and the grass will be ready for me to use the new mower tomorrow. Of course, we're still getting rain, off and on, today. So, until it dries out, I won't cut it. That'll be fun.

For weeks I've tried writing, with limited success. The new computer is nice, but I miss my laptop for the freedom to leave the house to write. Of course, a dozen words don't seem like much, but when you feel this bad, anything can be a roaring success. 

Here's the truth. I want to sell up and go far away. Get on a plane and leave for some place new, where no one knows me. Realistically, I can't, but isn't that just the way life happens? It plays games with your head. There is no longer much to hold me here. Jerry is blocks away, but the reality is he isn't. No family close by but Mike, Phyllis, Becca and Madi. They need me around, but I suspect most of them would pack up with me. 

It comes back to home. That's not an actual place either. Home is where your heart is, really. When the heart is gone, there is no home. Well, it's true for me. I haven't had a home in a long time. I have a house that I truly love. There are several people I love. I no longer have a home. 

If you ask me if that is regret, I would say no, that I have very few regrets. My biggest is I didn't make the most of the good things. And time is running out. I'm more conscious of it than I've ever been and not sure why. 

You know, I remember dreaming of Mama's death 2 weeks prior to it, and Jerry's three months prior. I dreamed of Billy's death many years ago, but it didn't happen for a very long time. You live wondering if you could have done anything to prevent it. In Bill's case, I got up and prayed for him and he didn't die for over 40 yrs. Did I delay it? Doubtful. I don't control those things. And I keep ranting about what's the point. I'm hoping I don't dream of my own. I'd rather it be a surprise where I go to sleep here and wake up with Jesus, Mama, and Jerry. Regardless, it makes me a lot more conscious of the motion of time. Everything is a blur. 

My posts have been rather depressing, but it helps to get all this mess out of one's head. Keeping toxic thoughts inside is terrible. It can harm you. Of course, getting them out may harm others but they can start their own journal. 

I keep going over my to do list. It is depressing. They're daunting tasks that will hurt me. LOL. Really.

List of things I need to do asap:

1. Clean out the garage and dispose of the junk.
2. Paint two rooms
3. Remove and replace the floor in the kitchen and laundry room, paint both, and replace cabinets. (That's going to be a seriously painful job.)
4. Clean out closets, get rid of a lot of furniture, go through personal items and dispose of as many as I can part with. 
5. Sort personal paperwork and catalogue it. 

Thank you, God, I got a lawn mower! One less painful job. If I can accomplish all that, I'll feel less stress for sure.

Thursday Happenings

It is nearly midnight, minutes, in fact. I've had a rather hard day. Honestly, I think I've had Covid again. I've had headaches a lot for a couple of weeks, congestion, more severe brain fog than my fibro usually causes, then coughing. And that tired. The bone breaking, brain draining fatigue. The weekend was the worst. I really felt I was dying a few times. Today I am better, but by late afternoon, I was pushing myself just to keep upright. 

Mike came to do his laundry today, and he went with me to buy a riding mower. I simply can't keep paying $200 a month to get this yard cut. The guy I use is so nice, and he actually reduced what he charges normally for me. Mike actually loaned me more than half the money. Someone else gave me $500 to help, and I put the rest with it from my savings. Nearly wiped that out, but at least there won't be payments every month. If you've priced them lately, they're very expensive. They will deliver it, I hope, before the weekend. Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy so won't need it but with all this rain, we'll need it by Saturday. 

I'm still going through drawers and pulling out things to get rid of. Tomorrow, I'm packing up more stuff that belongs to Sarah. She's not coming back here to live, so there is no need to keep them. If she doesn't want them, I'm sure some other girl will appreciate them. I think I'm going to repaint the room, too. A good coat of some bright color will blot out the past and make the house more saleable. 

After many views of YouTube videos, I want the bed in the small room made into a Murphy type bed. I use the room for sewing. I've seen many methods, some far more expensive than I want to bother with. However, I think I can do it rather cheaply. It doesn't have to be expensive to be functional and it will save me a lot of space while still leaving a useful bed in that room. Rarely do I have people visit me. Truth is, no one comes here but my aunt and uncle. So, it isn't like I even need the bed. But in a pinch, I've had to use it.

Hmmm, I could get a rollaway bed. The room is big enough for a full size bed and a chest. I could remove most of the other furniture. However, since I began sewing again, I want a space to do that. The small room is perfect. 

I should hit my bed now. It is well after midnight. Take care and have a lovely day. Do something nice for someone. Call them. Send a card. Or write a letter. You do not know how much you can change someone's day with just one of those things. 

Bad Moon

 There are days I feel as if I'm going to die. Really. I've been so sick the last few weeks. I thought getting back to the gym would help but it hasn't. The past weekend I was so sick I really felt as if I couldn't go another day. I wanted to disappear and not know anything. I tried to sew. Couldn't. I tried to write. Couldn't. Tried to clean, I did a few things but it took so much effort I really wanted to just give up and go to sleep. I've been going to the cemetery to get out and not think about things but I don't know if that's a solution. 

I think I have a cold. We've all had allergy issues and I've been coughing a lot in the last few days. Kept taking my mask off one night and Becca had to wake up because I was snoring so badly. I was really sick that day and the next. Probably because of breathing issues related to not wearing the mask. I haven't recovered, although I've had better sleep the last couple of night. 

Becca has helped so much, despite having a problem with her foot. I hope she knows how very thankful I am for her. She's like a daughter and is always willing to help me. 

Today, I'm doing laundry and putting laundry away. I'm also cleaning up the spare room and getting rid of some things. There are things of Sarah's that are going into boxes. If she wants them, she can have them and if not, they're ready for the charity bin. 

You know, love is a funny thing. You rarely get a good return for your investment. It's a money pit. No, I'm not even going to explain that or try to rationalize it. Today is not a good day for it. 

I'm thankful for the people who have always been there for me, who loved me and helped me in a thousand ways. I hope I've given them a good return on their investment. I hope they know who they are and that I did not disappoint them. 

I'm so done giving. Really done. I've reached a place where I have nothing left to give. I'm used up. It's almost time to get off this train and I'm not sorry anymore. There's no reason to waste sympathy or time on those who do not care if I'm here or not. I'm tired of investing in losers, quitters, and selfish ingrates.

I need to stop. It's a personal journal, but there is no need to drag everyone down.  

May I Say....

We're now in May. April wasn't much of a month. Gas and other things have skyrocketed and made it impossible to do anything other than survive. And there are those who are worse off than I. 

I went to Ohio and stayed with Sarah for a week. I had a pleasant time visiting with her when she had time for me. The Sarah I knew is gone and I don't know who she is now. I'll leave it at that. 

I've done crafty stuff in the last few months. I made an Easter outfit for Madilyn, Sarah's little sister. The skirt is a circle skirt of an appliqued fabric I had in my stash. I took some appliques off the scrap material and put them on her shirt to match. With her pink boots, she looked adorable. 

I'm really proud of the whole thing. Did it all with no pattern. I like that I still have this talent. Click photos to view larger size. I want to do a couple of more using some of the tons of fabric I have and would love to make one for Sarah but don't know if she'd wear it.

I also made a handbag from fat quarters. I saw this on
YouTube and liked it. So I made one for myself. I learned some things from it. Either the instructions and measurements were off or I did something wrong. You won't see the problem, but there is one. However, I've gone over it several times. I cut out a new pattern, changing the measurements a bit and will make a second bag to see if that fixes the problem. I'll let you know how that goes. 

There are a few more projects I want to do as well, but I'm having so much fatigue and difficulty focusing that I can't finish the most basic tasks some days.

Sarah is supposed to come for 7 weeks mid-June. Becca and I want to do some projects on the house and with Sarah here, it might actually be easier to finish them.

I've been cat sitting Becca's white cat, Gabi. She was here for three days and now she doesn't want to leave. When Becca comes in, she runs and hides. We don't know for sure what to do. She loves to play with my cats and I think she is lonely being an only cat. I have to tell you this is how animals always act around me. They all almost always like me. I remember Daddy telling me to stay away from his brother-in-law's dog because it was bad. Daddy was in the pasture at their house and looked up. He saw me standing with that dog and the dog sitting next to me.I was rubbing his head. Daddy yelled at me to get away from him because he'd eat me up. The dog and I just looked at each other. I think I wandered away, and the dog followed me. He never bothered me. 

I still need a riding mower to cut the yard. The $200 a month to hire someone is killing me. I need the money and would let the mess just grow up if the city wouldn't fine me for it. I'm going to shop around next week to see if some place has financing to buy one. Surely the payment wouldn't be as bad.

So, tomorrow is Mother's day. I'd rather sleep in. Don't think anyone cares if I'm their mother. I have my reason.

It is time for bed; I think. Today I did laundry all day and changed my sheets. I love clean, crispy sheets. If I had enough cotton sheets and didn't mind doing laundry, I'd change them every day. 

Happy Mother's Day to you mothers. I hope your children treasure you. My Mama was wonderful. I wish she were still here.