Saturday, March 16, 2013

A Small World

There is no guide on how long grief lasts. I've wondered for over four years now if there were markers, like mile posts along the highway, that would tell me when I was getting close to the point where I won't remember, relive, or feel the death of my husband. Unfortunately, no one appears to have erected such markers. The road is long and I've seen nary a one.

I missed Jerry today.  So, I stopped and bought flowers and took them to the cemetery. I've avoided it for months, felt guilty every time I pass the gates, which is fairly often since they are on a road I travel several times a week. No matter how many times I pass the sadness of it never fades. Oh, I don't fall apart as I once did but honestly, in some ways, this is much worse. I can't explain it. There is a sense of betrayal in it. Imagined, I'm sure, but nonetheless felt. 

As I put the flowers beside his tombstone, I couldn't breath and I couldn't look at the name graven in the white marble. I apologized for being so long in coming and tried to explain  but it is no use. While I know he'd understand, I feel no better. The bands around my chest only tighten and I have to go back to my car where I sit and sob and try to breath and explain why. 

When I see someone walking in my direction, I know it is time to go. No one wants to share this.

And I came home. I don't feel better. I do what I always do. I push it away and try to think about something else. It's a small world, grief. There is nothing else.


5 comments:

  1. I understand mom!!! I'm sorry I wasn't there

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  2. Not sure it will help but my tears this morning are honest ones. Maybe others don't want to share your grief but they will. I would be nice, if only, it would go away but perhaps a small part of it needs to remain to feel connected once in a while. Sunday mornings are usually when that happens for me, a small thing like your post and suddenly the grief for all those I have lost over a life time comes flooding in and pays a visit. I accept it, deal with it, and move on with the rest of the day. I don't feel there is anything dishonest in that, for a short time I have remembered but my life goes on and that is what's important.

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  3. I beg to differ.. grief isn't a small world, it's a huge, sometimes overwhelming, world. Bad news, Dixie.. it never completely goes away.. and I'm not sure it's supposed to. When I was a teenager, my grandmother came to live with us. She passed away a couple years after that, when I was 17; you know how long ago that's been. There are still certain days, smells, and other triggers, that I think of her, and for some of them, that includes shedding a tear. I still can't get through a Thanksgiving, without having to briefly excuse myself.
    The grief changes.. I'm not sure if it really gets better, or if it just becomes more familiar.. but it doesn't disappear.. and as I said, I'm not sure it's supposed to. Relish the memories, and accept the grief. It's now part of you.
    I'm sorry this was a difficult day for you.

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  4. I agree with Laurie, that the grief changes and perhaps just becomes more familiar. I'm sure it is a little different for everyone, and each person needs to find the release for when it becomes overwhelming. You can share it, though, and your loved ones are happy to do that. I'm so sorry you had such a tough day.

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  5. I agree with Laurie and Terri that the grief doesn't go away, but becomes a part of who we are. People do share grief; perhaps you're not yet ready for that? It can show us the progress we've made when we help someone for whom the grief is fresher. It can show us hope when someone farther along helps us.

    ((((hugs))))

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