Relative Success

When I started thinking about creating a website for myself it was just a passing fancy, messing around creating a site using programs designed for that. In my case, I used Microsoft Office Publisher. During my play, I had an idea that I could do one for my church as well. So, I did it and actually posted it first. It was nice but the side effect of that was I wanted to do it better. So, I used what I learned to do my own site. And I was pretty pleased with it, even while thinking it was silly. At my age! Then, I wanted to do it better!

So I did updates, scronging the web for ideas and fancy scripts and codes to play with, new little gadgets, moving stuff around, adding and dropping pages. After the second update I had added some of my writing to my personal site. I got compliments and requests. Then, I wanted to do it better! So, I did.

I found that the programs just didn't give me the creativity I wanted. I realized that the problem was I didn't really understand how to work with the codes. I decided I had to learn to create the pages from coding so the writing pages would look better and I could make other changes within the program formated pages. Two birds, one stone.

So, I cruised the web for sites to teach me, I printed off manuals. And I did it. I learned the basics and created some pretty, simple pages. I think they look beautiful. Nothing fancy, just nice and focusing on the writing rather than gadgets. Ah, but then, I wanted to do it better. So now, I am looking at style sheets and thinking I have to learn this next. I still rely on my good old Publisher to do the heavy work.

In the midst of learning html and creating pages, I decided on a blog. You are seeing the results of that. I love the learning process but it became a struggle. I almost quit a couple of times. However, tenacity is my secret name. It was whispered in my ear by God just before my birth.

He gave it to me because He knew I would need every ounce of it to get through the muddle people made of my life until I could take the reins myself or give them to Him. I realized early that He steered much better than I do. Occassionally, I take the reins back, just because I want to get better at it but He is a master charioteer. Riding next to Him has been an awesome experience.

I realized yesterday, when I saw the sonagram pictures below that I was having fun at all this. I am in the middle of turmoil, stress beyond imagination, pain nearly beyond endurance, broke most of the time, and frustration at my inability to fix it all. But I am having fun!

My oldest son recently visited my website after the recent update. He said "Wow, Mom, you have accomplished so much in your life!"

I had to step back and think about what he said. "What accomplishments?" I asked.

He said, "You have two grown sons who are married and on their own, you have two websites, a blog and your writing is on the web. What more could you want!"

In a couple of sentences he had boiled my entire 50 years down into its simplest terms. I can't write that well! And his view was a bit overstated. But just the fact that he stated it so succinctly annoyed me. He was complimenting me and I was annoyed by it!

I was forced to ponder life and my successes. I don't know that I have any. But I realized a couple of things. I dreamed of them. I worked at them. Some I attained, some I have not. It seems failures far out number the successes. The important thing is that I keep trying. Mama would have said it is the little things that are important. And Mike had seen right to the core of my life. I don't know whether I will be a published author or not. I don't know if my sites are a success. I don' t know if I will ever have a car that doesn't leak or stop in the middle of the road without warning.

I do know that it is unthinkable to stop. The road is a ribbon running through hills and valleys with hidden curves and bumps. I am in a red convertible and the top is down, the sun is high and the wind is filled with the scent of pines. Today the road is mine.