Have A Seat

My back was terrible for a week, right until yesterday. It eased up and today is much better, still touchy but better. Today I could vacuum the den, living room, hallway and bathroom. I tossed the cat beds in the dryer to give them a good beating and remove any cat hair and dander. I changed the filter on the air conditioner, too. I couldn't believe how filthy it was; my nose should have told me.

After that, Mike and I watched Alabama nearly lose the game with the Texas Longhorns. I haven't watched a football game in years. Probably not since Jerry died. Mike asked me why. I told him it was because I didn’t enjoy watching them alone. I don’t like ball games a great deal, but I enjoy watching with family or friends. 

Most of the week I spent sitting down, and that is never good for backs, even on a good day. Walking is really the best thing you can do for a bad back. Most of my pain was in the lower right quadrant of my back. I also had an issue with my right hip and right knee that created additional issues with walking. I suspect all of it was because of arthritis. The doctor doesn’t think RA causes the back pain because it doesn’t affect those joints. It drifts around in smaller joints like hands, wrists, elbows, feet. Whatever. I couldn’t walk without pain. 

Sometimes you have to sit down. So, I’m trying to do that and still keep up with cleaning. I’m tired tonight but the Braves are playing in Seattle and I’d like to see the game. It won’t start till about 9 p.m. so might only see part of it. I’m going to bed, then and hope to be in church tomorrow. 

Another day gone.

September Update of Life on the Ledge

I have no idea where the last week went. If you find it, please send it on. I was very busy last week, after I returned home from Ohio. I celebrated with David and family. They took me to see an outdoor play called Tecumseh. It was amazing. 

The whole weekend was pleasant and I had a great time . I came home feeling pretty good. 

By the middle of the week, I began to have problems with my lower back and right hip. My aunt and uncle came for the weekend and left on Tuesday. This morning I could hardly get out of bed and when I did, walking was a huge problem. Lots of pain.

Mike is here for the weekend. I think he just wanted company but he also has been helping me by running errands for me. I simply couldn't handle a trip to the store. 

I haven't slept well in nearly 5 days and I think this has added to the problem. They got my new BiPap machine in.... finally, after a year. It looks like the old one but obviously the guts are updated. It still is a pain to use but necessary.

I'm about to head off to bed. I really have several things to do tomorrow and if my back isn't better, I don't think they'll get done. I've been turning in earlier but not sleeping any better. We'll see about tonight. 

Sunday Contemplations

 

Despite working on cleaning the patio yesterday, I could get up and go to church today. I'm glad I did. We had a great Sunday School lesson on angels that Bro Kuntzman taught. And then my pastor delivered an awesome message on Doubting Thomas. I'm sharing a link and encourage everyone to listen to it. My pastor is such a good minister. I love his messages because he actually studies the Word, and it shows. Speaking Peace to a Doubting Thomas Generation

I was looking back over my post yesterday and realized that some folks might take it the wrong way. I talked about not having anyone here to help me with the heavy lifting. That was what Jerry always did. We worked together on the things that needed doing around the house. Whether it was hanging drywall or cutting and cleaning the yard, he was my partner. Since he died, the work is a thousand times harder because I rarely have help and I have physical problems that severely inhibit my actions. 

I have a large, lovely family. Six to twelve hours away. It is impossible for them to be here. My aunt and uncle come every year to visit. I remember one year they came up and helped me clean the yard. We cleaned the flower beds and planted flowers. We set up a fountain. By the time we finished, my yard was beautiful. Unfortunately, they're not able to make that trip anymore. And certainly not do the amount of work we did that weekend. 

In 2010, one of my brothers came and worked on the house. However, he and his wife both work, and can't just drop everything to come 12 hours to help fix something. 

It would be lovely if Jerry were still here. He's not. And it bites. I take out the trash, rain or shine, pain or not. I clean out the car as needed. I cut and clean this enormous yard. I repair anything that gets damaged and if I can't, I have to find a way to either deal with it, or find the money to pay. Believe it or not, I can fix a leaky toilet and replace a faucet. Well, I could once. 

My hands interfere with repairs more than anything else. And it is getting worse. I stand in my yard right now and look at that broken tree top standing upside down, 20 feet in the air. There isn't a thing I can do. Nothing. If I could climb it, and I would. Ask my family. I'd put a rope around the top and pull the thing to the ground. Then, I'd rent a saw and cut it up. Really, I would. I love doing these things. But the reality is I can't climb that tree anymore. I can't use a saw because I can't manage it safely. So, the tree will stand until I can get it removed without bankrupting me. I turned the toilet that needs repair off and I am thankful I have a second one. The floor in the kitchen, well, it just lies there. I know how to get it up, put down a new one, and add floor covering. I've done it before. With Jerry. 

There are people who love me and care for me. But can't do help with these things either. I have my aunt and uncle who have rescued me so many times with help, like buying a refrigerator mine died or helping me get something else repaired. By helping me navigate a funeral, or taking care of me after surgery. By giving me advice and picking up the phone when I call, upset over the way life has treated me. And by praying for me. Yeah, that's the most important thing. I always need prayer the most.

So, when I complain or say these things, it isn't criticizing those who have helped in other ways. It is grieving my loss of independence, my home improvement partner, my confidant. I grieve the loss of the life I loved. 

As I always say, it is what it is. Once something is gone, you can't get it back. You do the best you can and move on. You don't have to like it; you just have to keep moving.

 

Betrayals, Explosions, and Storms...OH MY!

08/01/2022 Day of the Storm

Where do I begin? My arm giving me nerve trouble? My neck hurting? My fatigue causing me to sleep for hours? My ex-DIL up and moving without notice, taking my granddaughter, who was home for the summer and not paying me back for most of the financial help I gave her as she agreed? A raging storm that took out trees, power lines, and some roofs? Houses blowing up?

Yeah, wow!

I had the ulna nerve surgery and regained some of the strength in my hand and for a bit, I thought the nerve problem was getting better. However, the nerve issue worsened. I had an MRI and found I have a torn bicep in my left arm. Always the left! I also have an old rotator cuff injury that now has arthritis in it. Imagine that. My left arm is stinging all the time and I can't lift certain things. I see the surgeon on the 16th. We'll see what they say.

I also have to see an allergist in September. My doctor suggested it since she noticed I always have a runny nose. Well, this is true. And it is worse than ever. I live in a horrible region for allergies and had none before I came here. And before you say "cats", I grew up with anywhere from 10 to 20 dogs and half a dozen cats when we moved there. People dropped their unwanted pets in front of our house. My mama would never allow them to be put down or starve. The highway in front took care of most of them, so we never had a lot at once, just over years. One neighbor used to shoot some of them until Mama threatened him. We had chickens, pigs, and sometimes rabbits. So, I think I'd have noticed if I was allergic to an animal, especially since the cats and some dogs were inside/outside pets. We didn't have mice at least.

Half David's tree is resting on the ground against the remaining part of the tree. It has slipped a bit since the storm. I haven't been able to get it removed or get an estimate yet. Well, they are pretty busy with the storm damage, so I suspect it may be a minute. I've prayed and asked God to knock it down. Then I might get a chain saw and cut it up. Or maybe I can convince Mike to do it. If I can get him out of bed before noon. 

08/13/2022

I'm really so tired of this mess. More and more I'm unable to do things that need doing. I have no money left to pay for it. I really need to convince myself to sell up and just go to some tiny little obscure town where living is cheap and finish up my time there. No one will notice anyway.

There it is. The poor little me. Not really. I have virtually no family left here. My sister, whom I never see and can't get on the phone half the time. My son. See above. My other son who drifts around where the wind blows and comes twice a year. That's it. Other siblings may call but it's doubt they'll notice if I move.

But I really love my home. Lonely, yeah. But at least I've got a roof I can afford if it weren't for all the rest of it. Probably should just stop worrying about fixing anything and let it go. It won't matter when I'm dead and if they can't get anything out of the house, oh well, they should have invested some of that precious time in it. I could leave all proceeds from the sale to a charity. I have thought about it.

I'm too tired to care what happens.

Fire, Famine, and Furor

 We're six days into July and the world is crazier than ever. The west on fire and flooding, and cattle dying, the east has politicians, and over it all we have exploding gas prices, escalating food prices, galactic power bills, food processing plants being burned down, supply chain shortages, and mass murders coming out of the woodwork. Even I'm low on food since the freezer went out. It will take a while to restock and the utilities went up this month. 

That Joe Biden guy has had an amazing impact on the nation. 

Sarah came home for a visit the last week of May and we've so enjoyed her. She's laughing, dancing around, acting silly, and just being a pleasure to have with us. She's spent most of her time with her mom, but I'm happy to see her when they come over. There has been a little sibling rivalry, but Madi is thrilled to have her sister home. 

I've been sick with a cold. Two weeks ago I thought I had Covid again, but the test was negative. I dealt with it the same way I did Covid.  CVS Severe Cough & Congestion is amazing. There is no Tylenol in it so I wasn't taking pain meds, just the stuff that helps with the coughing and congestion. I'm still coughing here and there but the worst of it is gone. 

Then I got the news from an MRI I had to have done last Saturday. My rotator cuff is damaged and has arthritis in it but I've known this for about 25 years. When I was in college I fell in my house and hurt it. No insurance so no doctor, but I couldn't use the arm for a month. It bothers me more now because I have arthritis in it. However, I also have a torn bicep with a fluid-filled sac that needs attention soon. I'm hoping they can just stitch the muscle up, empty that sac, and get me well without tampering with the shoulder. We'll see.

I've been dealing with some awful depression and not sleeping well. The arm hurts terribly when I lie down and I can't get comfortable. In fact, it hurts worse when I'm resting than when I'm using it. Go figure. 

That's it for now. I need to get up and finish washing my laundry. I've been working on it all day. There will be a huge pile to put away tomorrow. I hope you've had a lovely holiday with family. Stay out of the heat.