Wednesday Weather - 02/20/14

 Today the sun shone all day and it wasn't nearly as cold. I am so ready for spring. I was tempted to just wear my fleece shawl but went with my coat since it was still rather cold. When I went home for lunch around noon, the weather was bright sunny and had warmed considerably. So, when I returned to work I took the shawl and it was just right. By the time I got off at 4 p.m. I was tempted, very tempted to go to the cemetery and walk but decided it was still too chilly for me to handle. Instead I went and bought mouse traps.

Why mouse traps? This morning I was sitting enjoying my coffee and simply meditating before work. I had fixed a toaster pastry for breakfast and put the paper in the trash. As I sat there I heard something in the trash shifting. I was just feet from the kitchen door and could clearly hear it. I got up and eased around the door. A big, fat mouse was just climbing over the edge of the can. It disappeared just as I danced back into the living room with a squeal. I guess it was having breakfast, too. 

I'm near a nature preserve and field mice are prevalent when you have such places. I've lived here for over 22 years but never had a problem until a neighbor's garage was torn down over 10 years ago. Since then, I'm constantly battling the little furry demons. They thought my house was Noah's Ark. I tried all manner of poison and fancy traps. The most effective trap is the old one you remember from your childhood. Victory traps, built the same way they've always been made, with the little curled metal piece where you put the bait.

I had one mouse trap left and so I set it before I left for work. When I got home at lunch, I had a mouse. I disposed of it but realized I had to go buy another more traps. 

It was a busy day but I was so tired that it took a lot for me to keep going. By the time I got off all I wanted to do was sit in my chair, which I did.

Now, at 8 p.m. I'm seriously thinking about bed. I hope tomorrow will be another sunny day.

Wednesday Weather - 02/12/14

Oh my goodness! I woke up with sunshine in my face. It was such a wonderful experience that I just lay there for a minute. When I got up I sat on the bed and stared at everything. It all looked so ... different in sunlight. The best thing was that the whole day was filled with sunshine, even it it was terribly cold. I don't think it got over 29 degrees all day. Getting out to go to lunch was a positive experience, even if it was freezing. I'm a coastal girl and sunshine is like food for me.

My neck is better but is still hurting at certain angles. I have no solution for this. I sneezed once today and my neck had this horrible pain begin where my neck and the top of my shoulder meet and it shot up the side of my neck to my jawbone. I almost screamed but trying to sneeze at the same time made that impossible. It hurt so bad. It has hurt a bit more ever since. It really feels as if the ligaments are sore.

I've been playing hookie from writing. The neck simply made me a zombie and I'm now annoyed by it. I want it to stop so I can get something done. I need to clean house too and we won't even talk about the piles of laundry that are in the spare room. I just hope now one comes to spend the night. Of course, if they do... they could help me fold sheets and towels.

On top of the neck pain and slacking, I think I've caught a cold. I've been sneezing like mad all day and I've had a runny nose, more so than my allergy nose, for days now. I hate this as it takes me so long to get over stuff. I'm fortunate in some ways. Two co-workers were very sick with something when I was off for David's wedding. They missed a couple of days work. When I got back, they were on the mend, if still sick, and I stayed in my end of the building for two weeks to avoid them. This week, a third co-worker came down with a cold. She elected to come to work, warning everyone she was sick. No, I don't know why she came in. She said she had work to do. Anyway, she's been batting around for two days, standing in my space and handling equipment. I don't think I got this from her but I don't need two strains of cold on top of one another.

I'm now thinking about taking a short vacation. I have to get away. I really need the ocean and sand but I don't know what to do. Money is not tighter than ever with the cut in hours and so I have to conserve where I can. I so want to go to England. It feels like I'll never be able to do it. I know if I take a trip somewhere alone I won't really enjoy it. Carolyn suggested another writer's conference and I could go back to Austin this year. That was so expensive and I don't think I can afford it. Besides, there is one in October, Muse Online is free. You know, I considered going somewhere then and staying in a hotel and doing that conference online. Sounded crazy when I reconsidered it but for just a moment, it sounded totally fun. Why pay to stay when I could do it here for nothing. So, I may do it but I won't leave home. I will tell everyone to stay away and not call me.

I came home and have been vegetating on the sofa all afternoon. It is now 8 p.m. and I don't know how it got that late. So, I'll end here. The weather was lovely, despite the chill. Now, I want more and warmer. Can't wait to get outside again.

Tuesday Tirade

The sun finally managed to keep his head above water for a couple of days. Good boy! We'll see how long it lasts. I'm so ready for long days of sunshine. I'm ready to move to a warm climate and live a bit simpler. I don't think I can take many more winters like this one... like the past five.

It occurred to me sometime this week that Jerry has been dead five years. It feels like last week. I lived in a dark place for a long time. I still live there but I've managed to punch a few holes in the top to let in the light when there is light. Generally, it isn't dark, more of a foggy gray. But it still is not a happy place. Yes, I know they make pills to take you there but I don't do pills well.

I've been struggling with horrible intense pain and I won't detail it here as I believe I've whined about it in a couple of four places. For those who've deigned to pray for me, thank you. Is too a word! For those who rolled their eyes and thought, "not again." I believe what goes around, comes around. You'll relive it in living color.

Anyway, suffice it to say that agony doesn't touch what I've been feeling. I can't tell you I haven't considered death as an alternative. I don't actually want to die and hurting myself scares me. I mean, if something goes wrong and I end up with a serious injury rather than dead, I'm not better off than if I just deal with it. So, I do not act on these things but I have to be honest and say when you are dealing with this much pain, it crosses your mind. If you don't believe that, you've never been in pain.

I bought a recliner, at my sweet aunt's repeated suggestions. It is nice. I do like it. And it is comfy... if you have no back and neck problems. If you do, save your money. It nearly kills me to sit for very long in it. There is no real support. Usually within 30 minutes I have to get up and get on the sofa, which is much firmer and not nearly so comfortable. And I think what I could have done with that money. She meant well.

I am enjoying these shorter work days, despite the critical shortage of money. We also get one furlough day a month, no pay. We went from 40 hours per week to an average of 32 hours a week.  If they thought I'd cry about it... they were wrong. If they thought I'd quit... they were wrong. I'm thrilled to work less. Yes, it bites at the bank. The money I'm losing I was using to add extra to my house payment and other bills. But I'll take the time.

Had to stop before I was done and probably for the best. What a depressing post!

Hauntings

Sometimes I hear them. Seriously. They're not loud, almost echos, really. Since I live in an isolated area, I know it isn't out there, in the real world. No one really comes here so I know what it isn't.

When I get home I don't turn on anything. Not the television. Not the radio. Not the stereo. I leave the house as quiet as it was before I get there. So I can hear. In the winter, I don't even turn on the lights. They're louder in the dark. 

After I've put everything away and changed into my comfortable clothes, I sit down in my chair and close my eyes. And I wait. 

I never know what will come first. Sometimes, I'm certain it is his step down the hallway. Once in awhile it will be the opening of a door.. or the closing of one. A few times, I was sure I heard a cough. Once, long ago, as I sat alone in the dark I heard him come down the hallway and I looked up, called his name and stared at the doorway. I would not have been surprised to see him standing there. 

But he wasn't. 

I don't think.

Sometimes I hear giggles and running feet, but softly, as if from a great distance, across a vast and hazy plain. And I'm certain, at times, I hear someone jump off a bed. Someone is in the kitchen, sneaking the cookies. I am sure I hear the sound of the jar.

I hear music that isn't really there and if I focus, very hard, I can feel arms slip around my waist. There's a sensation of floating as I'm whisked across the floor to dance. I can smile at that for a minute before it drifts away to be replaced by a sad silence.

There are ghost children running across the backyard. Can you hear them squealing? From the kitchen window I see a small, fuzzy, hazy shape of a dog that runs yapping after them. 

There's running water, flushing toilets, and rustles. Rarely, I smell a certain cologne. The bottle is still in the medicine cabinet.

For a short time I almost think I can will them into solid forms and time will simply stop and they'll be there, forever and ever and everything outside these walls will become the ghosts. We'll laugh, and hug, and talk all night about everything and anything. The world, the one out there, will disappear. I won't care.

Never in my life have I seen a ghost and I never believed much in them. 

Not until now. 

Wednesday Weather - 02/05/2014

I haven't done a read video blog in a while and this seemed like a good time to do it. No fancy editing, just me.