Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Tuesday Tirade

The sun finally managed to keep his head above water for a couple of days. Good boy! We'll see how long it lasts. I'm so ready for long days of sunshine. I'm ready to move to a warm climate and live a bit simpler. I don't think I can take many more winters like this one... like the past five.

It occurred to me sometime this week that Jerry has been dead five years. It feels like last week. I lived in a dark place for a long time. I still live there but I've managed to punch a few holes in the top to let in the light when there is light. Generally, it isn't dark, more of a foggy gray. But it still is not a happy place. Yes, I know they make pills to take you there but I don't do pills well.

I've been struggling with horrible intense pain and I won't detail it here as I believe I've whined about it in a couple of four places. For those who've deigned to pray for me, thank you. Is too a word! For those who rolled their eyes and thought, "not again." I believe what goes around, comes around. You'll relive it in living color.

Anyway, suffice it to say that agony doesn't touch what I've been feeling. I can't tell you I haven't considered death as an alternative. I don't actually want to die and hurting myself scares me. I mean, if something goes wrong and I end up with a serious injury rather than dead, I'm not better off than if I just deal with it. So, I do not act on these things but I have to be honest and say when you are dealing with this much pain, it crosses your mind. If you don't believe that, you've never been in pain.

I bought a recliner, at my sweet aunt's repeated suggestions. It is nice. I do like it. And it is comfy... if you have no back and neck problems. If you do, save your money. It nearly kills me to sit for very long in it. There is no real support. Usually within 30 minutes I have to get up and get on the sofa, which is much firmer and not nearly so comfortable. And I think what I could have done with that money. She meant well.

I am enjoying these shorter work days, despite the critical shortage of money. We also get one furlough day a month, no pay. We went from 40 hours per week to an average of 32 hours a week.  If they thought I'd cry about it... they were wrong. If they thought I'd quit... they were wrong. I'm thrilled to work less. Yes, it bites at the bank. The money I'm losing I was using to add extra to my house payment and other bills. But I'll take the time.

Had to stop before I was done and probably for the best. What a depressing post!

1 comment:

  1. Sending big hugs for you. So wish I could help. Sending you an email today..... things not good here.