Friday Free?

Took the day off! I have things I really want to do and a Saturday just isn't enough time.

I suppose if you asked me directly how things were... I'd say life, in general, isn't much fun. I've discovered that there are brief moments when you can totally drown out the voices or the movies that run continually in your head. But to do that all the time is impossible and would be so exhausting that you couldn't survive. I don't have the capacity to do it as much as I need. Not sure if anyone would. I sort of just do what I can. I'm pretty sure it is why I've decided on an aggressive writing plan. I was insanely busy for November and managed to drown out everything. People around me hated it because they couldn't get through. Now, that's done, I need to stop that bitch in my brain from her infernal prattling and screaming. I don't want to think. Or if I do, I don't want to think about my life or lack of. I'll make one up and solve someone else's problems.

There is the very real instinct to run. All right, that makes no sense but it's true. There is, and has been for a while, this instinct to run, find a cave, and simply stay there and avoid prying eyes and questions and... all of it. Impossible, I know. I hate the empty house and my vacant life. For those of you who think children are a comfort to widows, you're full of crap. They aren't. They weren't ever meant to be and that's another example of stupid assumptions. They don't know how to do anything about it. They try but when they see it doesn't work they give up. I adore my family but this kind of just destroyed it. We have a hard time doing the things we did before because there's always this empty chair and no one wants to face it. So we don't. I don't ever to expect to have any of that back. I'm not even pursuing it because it is too much effort.

I have not decided if I'll put up my tree or not. I would like to but it is also too much effort and absolutely no fun at all for me anymore. I've done it all my life but it has suddenly became unimportant. I can remember helping Mama decorate the tree. Then I can remember when she told me I could do it all by myself. She would sit and watch me. I remember decorating it with Jerry. He'd help string the lights, put the hooks in and hand me things and I'd decorate the tree. I remember the boys learning to decorate the tree and then I remember coming home from work and David had the tree up and was waiting for me to get the lights sorted out so he could put the decorations on while I supervised him. Next, I remember coming in from work and he had it nearly done. I remember Sarah's first Christmas where she really noticed the lights and toddled around oohing and ahhing over them and all the little things I had near the bottom of the tree. My tree is always child friendly with decorations that appeal to children and tend to be a bit funny, like Santa with his feet in a tub of hot water and a hot water bottle on his head and wrapped in a blanket, or the cat hanging from a wreath.

I don't remember if I put it up after Jerry died. I don't think I did....I have a couple of times since but this year.. don't know. Anyway, I've made no move to bring any of it in. I even have a Christmas village.. haven't put that up in years because I had no room to do so.

I have running to do today and Sue has not come to clean. Not sure why so may have to call her. I don't want to be here while she cleans. It bugs me because I feel unsettled and as if I should be cleaning, too. She doesn't need the distraction of me hovering. I'd hate it.

I have plans to get Sarah today. That will be a bit hectic but at least I will be occupied with other things. So, I have nothing else to complain about I'm off to do my errands.

The Beginning

A couple of the girls I work with and I were talking about some things at work and I ended up telling them how I met Jerry. Don't know if I ever told that here. But here's the tale. 

November 27, 1973 the town of Andalusia, Alabama held its annual Christmas Parade. I was 17. It is a small town and your typical All American but Southern town cheering for the Crimson Tide during football season and their own Bulldogs and celebrating the 4th of July with hot dogs and watermelon. The parade would not be long. 

It had rained all day and I did not want to go to the parade. It wasn't my thing. But my brother, Billy wanted to go. Since there was no one else to take him, Mama asked me to do it. I moaned a bit but she said please and I'd do just about anything to please Mama. So I took him. 

We found a parking place and then staked out a spot on the town square right at the street side. I had quit school in the spring and was taking correspondence classes at home. One of my school friends saw me and ran over and asked me to come to the courthouse steps. When I attended school I sang in the chorus and they were going to sing on the steps that night. Nearly a dozen of them were friends and were standing in a circle waiting for it to start. My friend told me everyone wanted to see me. So I went. Jerry's sister, Sandra was there. She was a year ahead of me but we had been friendly. I said hello to each one and Sandra turned and said, "Oh, Cindy, this is my brother, Jerry." 

I said, "Hi, nice to meet you." And went back to talking to my friends. 

When I was done, I started back across the street and Jerry stepped up and said, "Can I walk with you?"

I said, "It's a free street. You can walk where you want."

He tagged along and when we got to the place where we were watching the parade he said, "You mind if I watch with you?"

I said, "No, you can stay if you like."

He did. 

I don't remember if we talked. I'm sure we must have a bit but I simply don't remember. He would have if I could ask him. When the parade was over, Bill and I started back to the car. I don't even remember Bill being there but he was the only reason I was there, so I know he was. Jerry followed and said, "I'd like to come and see you some time if that's all right."

I shrugged and said, "I'm not doing anything Friday night."

He said, "I'm going to Montgomery Friday to a ball game but would Saturday night be all right?"

"I'm babysitting Saturday night but if you want to come over and sit around with me you can."

He agreed. And he did come by and stayed until ten o'clock. After that we saw each other every weekend . . . until January 11, 1974 when I married him.

After the wedding, Sandra said, "After he came home from the parade that night I ask him what he thought about you."

I asked her, "What did he say?"

"He said, "I just met the girl I'm going to marry."

The Perks of A Government Job

It is gray. It is cold. But it isn't raining. Silver lining. But who'd notice a silver lining on a gray day?

I am slowing gaining on the work load. . . operative word: slowly. But a gain is a gain, right? A moment ago I prayed for there to be no interim changes for the next two weeks. By then they will have all got and lost a job three times so it will all even out. I will only have to do the work once, rather than three times.

How does that work? Client got a job. Reported job in 10 days on last of ten days or day they quit. Worked a week. Quit job. Reported quit job on first of 10 days. Got new job. Reported on last of 10 days and before verification of old job has come in. I have to send the verification every time they file one. Must hold all verifications until they come in and I can process in order. They call every week, "What's my rent?" I wait. I finally get the changes back and done. They quit new job because rent is too high ($50? $200? whatever). I start over.

And this is how the day will go.. well, there's more but if that bored you, well, you don't want to know. Or maybe you do? Have I ever told you about the woman with the cows? No? Well, that's how she gets her milk. No! She doesn't milk them! She's hooked up to the cows and .... yes. 

How about the woman that people always steal her bed? They also crawl into her attic and send poison in her house, too. She once appeared at the door to pay her rent to one landlord... stark naked. She's a large woman. He said he'd never rent to her again unless he could be sure she was on her meds. 

Or the guy who kicked the bathroom sink off the wall? There is the woman who is about 78 and her boyfriend is a 30 yr old paranoid schizophrenic (remember the sink) and the Landlord was doing an inspection and found . . . wait for it. . . handcuffs under her bed.

Did I mention the one who said, "It wasn't my drugs! My friend offered me a lift. I didn't know he was going to fire a gun out the window. Then the cops pulled him over." Do tell? Um... the drugs were in her purse. "But they weren't my drugs!"

No, I am not making this up!

Then there was the mother daughter combo sitting in a meeting and I though they were ill and about to faint. Turns out they were stoned. Daughter was taking Mom's cancer pain killers. (shakes head)

How about this one. She: "I need an extra bedroom." Me: "You don't qualify for an extra bedroom." She: "I got to have one. Sometime I need my pleasure and can't be doing that with my kids around." Unfortunately... or maybe fortunately, we don't subsidize that activity... oh, wait... yes, we do! 

A different she: "Can I get assistance if I marry a felon?" Me: Raised brows. "Probably not." AND WHY WOULD YOU? Fortunately these things usually come by way of phone calls so my facial expressions are not visible. 

Yes. This is what I deal with on a daily basis. And let me tell you that I earn every stinking tax dollar you pay cause I'm the one listening to these people. Now you begin to see. This is a government job. Still want one?

Today I feel if my day is no worse than yesterday, I'll be ahead. One can only hope. 

I have to go. The phone is ringing.

A Lovely Shade of . . . Gray?

I would love to report that it is a wonderful day, filled with copious amounts of sunshine, warm breezes, and promise. I can report none of those things. Not even one.

There is no sun. I have no idea where it went or who took it but it isn't here. I have my suspicions and will investigate. There are no warm breezes. In fact, at right at this very moment it is 41F and for me, that's cold. I admit there are some hardy souls who will say that's cool. Fine, you just misspelled it. It is C-O-L-D. And it is, I'm sure, going to get colder. It is just the pits to have to pull up the garage door, back out, get out.. in the rain... and pull it down. 

Yes, I know I need an automatic opener. As soon as you send me the $300-$400 it cost, I'll get right on that.

As for promise... most days won't hold any. Too many holes.

I feeling fairly well I suppose. I have some mild pain issues. Shoulder, hip, and neck. I had some pretty severe shooting pain in the leg until I got up. If it were possible to sleep standing up I might have that licked.

But my mood is fine. I found myself laughing a lot in November and as a result, I felt really good. I'm sure some of that is carry over. I'm still talking to the people who make me laugh and so that too helps. I complain too much. I have been working on it but it is hard to see much positive when the world explodes in your face. First thing to go is your vision. 

I have my TGIO scheduled for Saturday and I am expecting no more than 10. Half that have given me positive responses so I'll be fine. Any food left over will be eaten by my horde... which includes two healthy males, as you have seen. 

I'm still writing. Started something last night.. no idea what it is or what I'm going to do with it. I'm really considering another blog but I haven't nailed down the format. I thought about one that is co-authored but two problems presented itself. Need multiple authors who are interested in doing a long running fictional blog and what if I or other supposed authors get tired of it. I supposed I could set a time limit and say, I'm doing this for x months. Of course, I could go solo and if I got tired, I just close it down. And not sure what kind of story I want to write for it. So, more thinking.

Really need something that pays.... 

It is raining. Did I say that? It is. Hasn't stopped in more than 24 hours. 

~\O  8<3

Rainy Day Sunday