First Cup

I'm having the first cup of coffee of the day. I didn't used to drink coffee except in winter and that very very rarely. Jerry bought this coffee for me to try because he knew I liked flavored coffee. I had a terrible headache that day and it cleared it up. So, I've had a cup a day ever since. That was at least three years ago. Despite medical advice telling me to stop drinking coffee, I've not stopped. That first cup altered my life.

I didn't post last night. Once I got home, it was later than usual. After a bath and snack, I actually sat down to read my Bible when my sister called to update me on a family situation. After talking to her for about a hour I called to check on Randy because he was not well but he was asleep and I talked to Lisa, his wife for over an hour. By the time I got done it was nearly ten. I watched a show on the computer until nearly midnight.

I am tired this morning. I've had two late nights in a row and I have to stop that.

The situation we are concerned about can't be fixed or helped. I am upset but not to the extent that the others are. Not because I do not care but because I'm not there with them. That is probably a good thing.

Something happened that has simply devastated my siblings and other members of my family. Because of them I won't share it. But sometimes, choices made long ago have such far reaching repercussions. In my world view the harvest of a person's sin may not be reaped until a generation is past. Usually those who watch it my not understand it and be totally broken by such events. The Bible says that the sins of the fathers are visited on the children. That doesn't mean that the children have no choices. Life is all about choices, some good and some bad. That is what is happening in my family. There were bad choices made and there are consequences to bad choices that wound even more people.

Proverbs says that we have sown the wind and shall reap the whirlwind. In this day and age if a person doesn't think we are living in a whirlwind, they're blind. This generation is reaping the first cup of the whirlwind. We have sown our wild oats and the harvest is a bumper crop. Reaping is hard work and the bigger the crop, the harder the work. This is true in my own family.

Last night, after my calls I picked up an old Sunday school book I had found recently. It wasn't lost, just on a shelf forgotten. It was dated 1985-1988. Then, I remembered 1982, three years before I'd bought it in hardback. Jerry and I had thought we were home for good. We'd come back from Italy to our home town and were there to stay. I could see us sitting in that little church. I felt the happiness of being with my family in the place I was raised worshiping the God of my Mama. Then I remembered the choices that brought us there to that place and how it changed our life forever. Because of those choices we went down a different path. And here I am today.

We make them every day. Every minute. And they seem small taken one at a time. But the cumulative effects of choices is life altering, not just to the person making the choices but to those around them. I started a book on grief shortly after Jerry died. It was about a minister who lost his wife and son in a fiery automobile accident. I remember him saying if she had turned a different direction, if he had held her up just a few moments longer life would have been different. It seems a small thing. But it isn't. That small choice altered multiple lives. He was alone with a small daughter to raise and a church to shepherd. It was a bad choice she made that day but she couldn't know the impact it would have. You say it is life but to negate the power of choice is to make us automatons, robots who have no power to change ourselves or our circumstances. Choice is the gift of God.

If Jerry had not made a bad choice in 1982 life would have been forever altered. I caused him to make that bad choice because of something I did. By the time we realized what we'd set in motion, we were feeling the effects of it. Had I stopped to consider what my actions could set in motion, I'd have never stepped on the plane. Jerry would have still been in the military, have gotten far better medical care and may have added several years to his life. It is very possible I'd not be here alone. My actions began a series of events that have ended up hurting me more than anyone else. Life altered in an unexpected direction. I had choices. I could have made a different one.

If different choices had been made in this current family situation, at least 20 people would have taken different paths. Their lives would very possibly have been radically different. Their choices would have been effected. It is unfortunate that we can't see the effects of choices. Of course, the next generation had choices and in this instance one person's terrible choices have lead to the heartbreak of a dozen.

Joshua said to the Hebrew children "Choose you this day whom you will serve. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

A man chooses to buy a gun for protection. He shoots his neighbor. A child decided, against parental instruction to play ball in the front yard and is hit by a car. Choices made.

Life will not be easy no matter the choices we make. I speak from experience. It will hurt in unbearable ways. Tragedy will happen. People will get sick, die, break, wound. But the choices we all make will affect these things. Consider the choices you make, look down the highway, consider the path you walk or drive. How will your life be affected by the direction you take? How will those you love be affected? Who will feel the repercussions of your choices?

You can't predict everything but you can lessen the impact of your choices if you simply choose this day whom you serve.

The Road to Work

Monday ... again. I truly despise Mondays.

I spent a miserable day yesterday. I won't do that again. Actually, I think last year may have been equally miserable but haven't checked the blog. I went to the cemetery and left some flowers. Another difficult task yesterday.

Mike and I went to church last night and I simply sat and cried nearly the whole service. Fortunately, I belong to a group to which it is not weird so one doesn't have to be embarrassed to show one's emotions. They pray for you. And prayer helps.

This road is filled with pitfalls and potholes. They are unavoidable. Darkness falls regularly. There are lights there in the darkness. Thank you to the friends who came by and offered encouragement. . . ."In the multitude of counselors there is safety." Prov. 11:14

Today I go into the mines where there is little to light the way. I am trying to find some way to make myself less negative about my job. I believe negative energy multiplies and I really don't want to be encompassed by it. I have no choice but to work. So, I have to get my head on straight so I'm not constantly miserable at my work. There are days I pray and ask God not to let anyone come in and not to let the phone ring. A lot of times it works. But I'm not silly. People have problems and questions. I'm having trouble coping with my own and dealing with theirs is very difficult.

Anyway, I have to get moving. I wasn't going to post anything this morning but decided that I needed to at least make up for the crappy one yesterday. At the moment, the sun is shinning, although a bit weakly. I hope the rain holds off.

Blue Skies

The afternoon is quite warm but filled with sunshine and blue skies. I've decided to come out and sit on the front porch and post a blog. I've not been posting much. Mainly because life is, at this point, fairly banal. Floods tend to be exciting, even if devastating for the victims. I am blessed to live on higher ground. But it is a bit anticlimactic. It is kind of like watching a ball game.

Today, I'm not going to be false. I'm probably going to post what I feel. I've been fighting all day with myself trying to tell myself that I was silly or stupid or foolish. It hasn't worked. And since I can't just fall apart because I have someone here, I might as well spill my guts on my blog. That way people can simply walk away if they get disgusted or mad.

Mike and I went to church this morning and had lunch together. I was glad he was with me even though it was my treat. It was not a good morning for me. I got no card and no flowers and no calls before I went to church. Mike said happy mother's day while I was getting ready for church. I finally called to see if Sarah and Becca were going. No.

So Mike and I went. But all I could think of through the whole service was that Jerry would have bought me a card or maybe flowers. I would have gotten a hug and probably a kiss. I told myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. But it didn't feel like pity. It felt like . . . being thrown away.

I finally got a text message from David to say Happy mother's day. My aunt and my sister Roselynn called a few minutes ago. I'm sorry, I did get a card from my sister Phyllis a few days ago. And that was nice. But for some reason, none of it was the least special. I felt like an after thought to my children. And the rose the church gave to all the mothers was simply painful.

I wanted to crawl up somewhere, in a hole and disappear because I felt like I already had and I hadn't noticed.

I don't think holidays will ever mean much anymore. Every one that has passed since Jerry died has become meaningless to me. They are pointless waste of time and energy, usually mine. Jerry made mother's day, anniversary and my birthday special. I did the Thanksgiving and Christmas, his birthday and father's day. But now, one day simply runs into another. I'm not special to anyone. There are no hugs, no hands to hold, no pats on the back, no nothing. I get up and go to bed. It isn't fun anymore and there is nothing to look forward to.

I know, depressing. And I've battled the thought all day. But I've decided its fine. This is what I have to learn to deal with, to live with if I am to live at all. I'm not special. Other people surely have it worse. It just seems silly that I didn't see this before. And it makes me angry that I didn't. This was not what I was dreaming of at 12. Or 20. Or 30. There were supposed to be forever days to keep you going. You know, a really wonderful day to hang onto until the next one rolled around and they came around every few months. Only now they don't. None of them are wonderful.

So, maybe for me it would be best to just ignore these days, to step out of the norm and not do the usual thing. Make no contact and expect none. I should have taken off and shut the house and left everyone at home and found some pool somewhere I could sit and read beside with a swim every hour. No one would notice I wasn't here. I wouldn't be expecting anything.

Half Gone

It is Saturday night and I'm exhausted. I got a late start this morning, not arising until 9:30. I paid bills and sat around until nearly 1 when I picked up Mike and we went for a hotdog at Sonic. Then we went to buy groceries for him. We shopped again for tennis shoes or whatever they call them these days. I bought a pair for me. He found a pair but we had gone to Burlington to look at their selection (where I got mine). I was tied by the time we finished and we will have to go back. He went online and signed in at their site to get a coupon sent to him. That will save us a little bit and we can get them next week.

The roads are improving with several of the busiest thoroughfares now open. However, huge ponds of water still stand where they shouldn't. More rain will not help this.

Tomorrow is Mother's day. I do not anticipate any sort of celebration. Mike will go to church with me as usual. Dave is working. Becca says she and Sarah will go with us but we shall see. I don't know what else to say. I did feel sorry for Mike today. He saw some flowers and was looking at them a long time. He said, "If I had any money I'd buy those." Some things are so tragic that words do not covey how you feel.

I brought three pair of shoes this weekend. I probably wasted a good bit on the two pair of street shoes. One is a really lovely pair of low heels and the other are slip-ons with normal heel. The slip-ons I thought I could wear today instead of my usual shoes. I was too cool for sandals. Don't know why. I'm just cold-natured these days. Anyway, my feet were killing me when I walked at all. Sitting they were fine but walking was awful. So, I may have a problem wearing them as I got them to wear to work. I am frustrated because I can't seem to find any shoes anywhere anymore that don't hurt me. I simply can't walk because the shoes have no insole padding in them. And buying a bigger shoe will cause them to slid on my feet. I am wearing a pair of black house slippers now that are about all I can wear.

Ok, I'm tired and going to bed. I hope you all have a happy mother's day tomorrow.

Follow Me Friday