Understanding The Technology

My youngest son was about 3 years old when the military began using desktop computers. My husband brought this home one day from work. Someone gave it to him. I have no idea who drew it or thought up the concept. I doubt it was Bill Gates.

I've kept it for years but since I'm cleaning out, I'm tossing it away too. I have scanned it and will have a disk copy. However, I'm sending it out to the world via Multiply. As far as I am aware it is not protected. When I was in college. I gave it to one of my professors. Before I knew it I was seeing it all over the campus on bulletin boards. For some reason, people find it amusing. I hope it helps you understand your computer better.

Forward Motion

Sarah is napping on my sofa. Dave and Becca came in and he is napping on my bed. Becca had to be there this morning to finish her registration and get her books. We have a ham in the oven that was intended for New Year's day but things sort of didn't work out that way. Dave has school tonight.

I am not doing much of anything. I've spent the morning dealing with HRH and once she went down, I was a bit at loose ends. Now, I don't know what I want to do. The ham sounds good with potatoes and broccoli with cheese sauce.

I'm at a bit of a loss. I feel as if I'm waiting for something. It is very frustrating. I'm not actually waiting for anything, as far as I know. But it feels as if I'm on that platform checking my watch.

I hate waiting.

Finally, A Monday that Doesn't Stink

Idnit amazin?A Monday that looks good on the outside and in which I don't feel like I've been pounded with a hammer. I do hope this is a portent of the next 51 Mondays.

I'm up a bit earlier than I've been getting up. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I need to finish loose ends here. I still have papers here and there to sort through but most of the damage is done for now. I have one fully cleaned, painted, and organized closet. I have a second that is a bit more organized. I have one on the way and two more that I have to just empty and do the same.

I'm raising the bars in them as well. Most are just head height on my but I need them a bit higher. The storage up top is not very useful anyway and simply makes me stick things back. So, will eliminate it and put storage at the bottom that is a bit more practical. I'll lose about a foot but that's ok since I won't be keeping as much excess baggage. In my hall closet I put my blankets, first putting them in plastic garbage bags so they stay cleaner. The ends are open to allow them to breath but they won't collect as much dust as they would just lying on the shelf. I had them stored in a huge plastic tub that just got in the way in the closet. I gave it to Becca.

I have not been writing at all. I don't know what has happened. I haven't had any contact with my writing group. They seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. Some of the NaNo'ers have stayed in touch so I'm going to try and arrange to meet with them. It has been hard with the holidays. We'll see.

Sarah just arrived to spend the day. Dave and Becca start school today and since this is the first day I said she could spend it with me. After today, they go on a schedule where Becca goes in the mornings and Dave in the evenings. So one of them will be able to keep her at all times.

I am going to see what we can get into now. I have some things to do but when HRH is here it seems they don't get done a well.

Since I started this we have spent about two hours cuddling in my still warm bed and telling stories. Then we got a "nice shower". That is what Sarah called it. She played with the doll house and a movie in the background. I suppose she is used to background noises where I am not. She can't be in a room without them. She hears every sound and the silence disturbs her. So, movies. And now, she is taking a nap.

I'm going to find food.

First Sunday of the Year

I have been here all day at my desk, cleaning out bins and boxes and paying bills. In fact for the last three days I've been throwing things away all over the house... even discarding books. Becca saw me last night boxing books and she said, "Mom... you're getting rid of books?"

I said, "Yes. I'm getting rid of books." I never get rid of books that are shelved because that means they are special to me. They are all hardbacks except for a few paperbacks I found stacked that I had already read. I suspect in the coming months, I'll be getting rid of more of them. My intention is to be rid of nearly all my books in the next year. I will take it slowly as these are all books I love and feel comfortable with them around me. It isn't a resolution, just an intent. I had a desire once to have room in which all four walls were covered in books. Jerry was going to make one for me. I no longer have the desire. Now, it seems I want all of them gone. I was studying the bookcase in the guest room. I have a shelf of Christian books, a shelf of history books, a shelf of more classical literature, a shelf of children's books, and a shelf of textbooks on Anthropology, photography, geology, psychology, business law, journalism, and political science. I had an eclectic education at university. They all need to go.

It all has to go. I have too much weight. I look around and think of all that would have to be done if I were to die suddenly. I can't bear the thought of my family trying to sort through all that I have clung, too. I have had to deal with all that Jerry left behind. It has taken two years of picking up things and trying to let go. I still have things here that were his that really don't need to be here. I can't do that to other people. Mike would be crippled by the choices if that happened. I have to get rid of everything I can. I can't take them with me. They mean nothing to anyone else.

I gave Becca my solid oak table Saturday. It is one long table, no inserts, that seats six. It still has the original ladder back chairs I bought to go with it. Virtually impossible to tear up ladder back chairs. I bought that thing new and unfinished in 1988. I stained it, finished it and raised my family around it. Twenty-two years of meals, games, school work, and memories. I've no need of it now. I've told her if she decides she no longer wants it it must come home. I don't think it will. If she takes care of it, it will last another 50 years. Oak, when cared for, last forever.

I've filled five trash bags with paper. Paper! Why do I have all that stuff? I started Friday and began making piles. I went over and over them, each time throwing more and more away, wondering why I kept it the first time. Then, wondering why when I made the pile I still hung onto it. I went through some things half a dozen times but each time, more went out. I've tossed a pile of old cassette tapes, maybe 50 of them. I have a player but I threw a bunch away. I kept those I really liked and may actually play. I wish I could get them onto a CD and then I'd toss them for good. I have all the tapes that were my and Jerry's favorites.

Today, it is the business end of things I am working on. I have to prepare for tax time and my desk is buried and has been for months. I'm sorting the remodel items so they are easy to locate and I'm tossing stuff that has been lying around for a year... I don't know why I put it in my bill bin.

I will be sorting the "paid" bin, too. I usually keep paid things a year and then decided if warranties are a factor. If so, they go to a special file. Everything else will be tossed.

It is a tedious task that I hate, more now than before. Probably because I am shedding things I would not normally shed. But then my life is no longer normal. The image that came to mind when I typed that statement was of a train depot. I'm standing on the platform looking at my watch. It is cold and windy and people are milling around while I stand with my suitcase at my feet, waiting.

I'm off now. Still trying to get things sorted out. Mike called to see if I was going to church. I honestly haven't decided. I hate to stop and leave this mess. I've been doing that every night for the last couple of days. I'd kind of like tomorrow to be a day I don't do anything but relax. It will be the only day for ten days that I do if it happens.

I hope everyone's New Year is off to a good start. And I hope it brings all of us better times.

Happy New Year...

It is an old custom to celebrate the arrival of a new year. There are usually fire works and laughing and in some quarters, champagne. Usually you are accompanied by numerous friends or someone special. When the new year arrived at my house I was alone and asleep.

I've had two new year's alone. Like most holidays since that began, it is pretty much another day. But I did have a special treat last night at 5:50 p.m., long before my new year arrived. I got a phone call that made the end of the year much brighter than it began. My friend, Jilly, called me all the way from England. It was 11:50 her time. It was such a wonderful treat and while we were talking, 2011 rolled into England and she opened her windows and we listened together to the fireworks. That was amazing. So, I had my New Year celebration early and it was so much fun. Jilly, you are so very special. Thank you... again. What a privilege to call you friend.

I am tired this morning. I was up by eight... not on purpose but when I wake up these days staying in bed is not usually fun. I have to get up and move to stop the pain escalation that woke me. Takes about an hour to become manageable.

I'm not dressed yet but I've had coffee. I've read blogs. Now, I think I better pay the bills and do the bank statement. Not a fun new year's day at all. I have three days left of vacation and I would like them to be filled with things I enjoy. This is not one of them.

So, I'm off for a hot shower to see if I can wash away some of the stiffness. You know, I'm not really that old. I'm 54. I should not feel this way. I know 70 year olds who feel better than I do. That's just wrong.

And this could so easily degenerate into a pity party. I'll take it somewhere else. I just would have liked to start a new year with a brighter view of it. I'd like to be positive and upbeat and eager to see where it takes me. I'd like to get there without all the pain. I used to be like that. I think. I don't remember.

What's Happening in My World?

Rain, strain, and pain.

Payback for minor accomplishments -- Unable to walk when I got up, severe leg pain, back pain, and hand pain.

Now, I'm headed to the pharmacy to pick up some refills.

The Monday Morning Drag

It is a new dance, I think. You get out of bed and one leg drags along beside you. The right calf muscle refused to cooperate this morning. Yep. Just didn't want to get up. So, I hobbled along and dragged it with me. Felt pretty much like the devil had a fork in it.

No idea.

But it is Monday. And it is a drag. Lights went out at 3 a.m. Yes they did. I turned them out so I know. I was watching old movies all evening. I watched one called Sitting Pretty with Robert Young and Maureen O'Hara. It was a delightful and funny movie. The last one was one I vaguely remembered from my youth - Bunny Lake is Missing. It was a really good movie and I couldn't turn it off. I watched Tobbaco Road and found it both insulting and sad. I'd never seen it before. I wonder if anyone ever realized back then that it was an insulting jab at the south? Wondered if anyone ever wondered it that was real and if so, how it got that way?

It is no wonder that the conception of Southerners is so rude in so many places. I've met people all over the world who looked down their nose at me because I was from "The SOUTH" and said so to my face. When I was young it shocked me and I didn't understand it. But I didn't watch a lot of movies. It wasn't until I was older that I realized where much of the intellect of those idiots had been developed.

Anyway, I went to bed at 3 and got up at about 9. My usual six hours seems to be the norm. I had virtually no back pain and very little leg pain. Only when I got up. My neck, on the other hand, it a pain.

I'm going to get dressed and get some stuff done, I think. I am getting hungry and have to take my meds so maybe some lunch will be nice. I wonder if my favorite restaurant is open? No fun going alone, though. And I don't really feel like treating everyone. But I could do it.... I may.

Ok, gone for now.

The Morning After Christmas

I went to bed late last night, probably around midnight. I was in total pain by then. Lower back, upper back, legs, and hands. I've only had that much pain at one time in the last year around memorial day when the upper back pain started. Let me just say that around 1 a.m. I was beside myself.

I finally got to sleep but I don't know what time it was and I woke at around 8 or 9 a.m. It is now noon. I've done nothing but lie on the sofa and mess with the computer, reading bizarre articles and changing my photo here. Back is hurting but the pain is minimal for me... meaning I'm not cringing and wincing. But I'm not moving very much.

I like those sappy paintings of families having fun in the snow or of warm rooms where you just know people will be entering laughing. Just nostalgia, yearning for something I vaguely remember and long for again. The eternal longing to go home is very nearly overwhelming for me at times. I don't think they tell you this when you are growing up. No one says, "Oh, by the way, there will be a day when you would give your right arm to go home one more time and it will be forever impossible because home will be gone. Just remember that." I'm telling you now just in case no one told you either.

I had my children here for the last two days and I think it probably was the closest to a normal holiday we've had in a long time. If Mike had not been such an ass it would have been perfect. He has his moments where he is just great and then, boom. His present was to be money. Well, as of Friday, my debit card stopped working. The bank was closed. I offered to write a check and he said he couldn't get it deposited until Monday. I know, I should have done it before the holiday closing but I have to work and couldn't get to the bank before they closed. But he seemed ok with it. I did get him some gifts but not a lot. I think he got a bit upset about it but he was reacting to everything and bickering with Dave and anyone else who crossed his path. A couple of times I had to threaten to kick him out. He just doesn't recognize jokes very well. And he and Dave never get along anymore. That's both their fault but it gets tiresome. Dave gets tired of listening to Mike's idea of amusing comments. They are usually insults they banter back and forth. I hate it. It is juvenile. If Mike could take the rejoinders it would be fine but he can't. Dave's are usually better. Dave tried very hard this weekend not to do that and succeeded pretty well in not letting Mike get to him but Mike has no brakes. He takes every single thing personally and assumes any suggestion of a criticism is directed at him. Even when it isn't. So, anything he could pick at he picked at. I had to stop him a couple of times to tell him everything was not ABOUT him.

I'm at the point now I just tell him he's nuts and he needs to get over it. Sorry, but I've had it. I can't take care of him and he needs to get a grip and just get over it. Life is not kind and neither is most of the world. I'm not going to be here forever and I'm tired of being in the middle. The rule is now, and has been for some time, if you can't keep your mouth shut and say something nice, then do not come to my house. I don't want to hear it.

Ok, that was unexpected...

We had a good dinner and we sat around a bit. Cleaning up the mess was fun.... right. Dave and Becca stayed after everyone else left and we played a couple of games. I was just so tired but I did enjoy the games.

Now, I'm going to get dressed and try to go take Mike and Patricia to lunch and give him his present. That will soothe the troubled waters of Mike's mood. Really, take him to lunch and he is ecstatic. The boy loves buffet better than anything.... except computer games. Which is why he wants money.

I hope your morning after is more normal than mine.

Whew!

A whirl of activity! I got up yesterday at 7:30 and got started. By noon, I'd made a trip to Sam's Club to buy items for the dinner today. Got a carrot cake. I also got four rotisserie chickens for lunch yesterday. One I refrigerated to put in the dressing today. It smells heavenly.

I also made a stop at Office Depot to see about a printer/fax/scanner. They had BARGAINS! HP for $99. They were not wireless so I didn't buy one. However, the one I wanted was wireless and was $200 at Office Depot. The same printer was cheaper at Sam's Club. So, after dropping off the food, I went back to Sam's and bought the $200 printer for.... $139.

Once back I had to run around getting started on the dinner for today. I made the dressing to have it ready to put in the oven this morning. I made brownies, two lemon pies and a banana pudding... in 4 hours.

Around 3 some six foot elves showed up. Let me tell you, it warmed up in my living room. They were bringing Christmas items for Patricia and her daughter. I'll have some photos later. They are having Christmas with our family. She is new here and has no family or home at the moment. Patricia is the woman who's baby was killed this summer. I was wrong about the age of the child. It was six weeks old. Anyway, they are having their holiday with us.

Last night, after opening presents and eating supper we played Clue for a couple of hours. That was fun. Becca won once and I won twice. Usually Mike does really good at it but he was off his game last night. They want to play more games tonight. I do not know how I'll hold out. Last night when I finally got to bed I was in so much pain I couldn't hardly stand it and I was exhausted. I only got about five hours sleep, disrupted by leg and back pain. So, I'm tired today.

Patricia and Becca helped in the kitchen yesterday and they are cooking other items today. Becca at her house and Patricia where she is staying. They will be here probably in a few hours. My dressing smells so good, I may not need anything else by the time they get here.

I was up at 7:30 in terrible pain. I can't get it under control. Can't lie down very long at all. Walking it the only thing that helps. Seems to stop the shooting pain but the lower back still hurts. I have a slight headache but I'm dressed up for the day.... black skirt, white sweater, hair up with a red bow and my faux pearl necklace and real pearl bracelet. LOL, all dressed up and no where to go and no one to impress.

I've had numerous calls today. My sister-in-law called and I was glad to hear she has met someone she was excited about. She has virtually no family left. Both parents dead, Jerry gone, their younger brother has nothing to do with any of his family and hasn't for years. She has only her son and daughter. But at this point in our lives, we know that their lives often leave us isolated. She is six months older than I am. Jerry's cousin called. If you remember her mother, Janie died earlier this year. So, I'm glad Sandra feels she can still call me. I forget to call her at times. They left us alone for so long that it doesn't occur to me. But now, they want that contact. Mike calls her here and there and I try to encourage that.

My aunt called to chat and tell me what a good day she had yesterday with her family. I'm glad that she did. I've talked to Becca and Mike several times about respective food issues.

My table looks nice. If I'm blessed with another Christmas, I'd like that darn dinning room painted and carpeted and cleaned out by next year. It looks nice when it is all fixed up. I'll even fix a place for my Christmas village. God willing.

I've been listening to Elvis' Christmas music. Jerry and I were both Elvis fans for years. I still love his gospel and Christmas music. Unfortunately, some of it is very difficult to hear. But I always feel that it isn't Christmas until I play Blue Christmas. Isn't that crazy? I always had to play that first. Jerry laughed about it. Last year I didn't play it at all and this year, I didn't dare until today.

Now, I'm going get up and walk. My back is killing me sitting here. I can't sit for very long before I'm miserable. The snow is melting and when I went for a walk I saw that the blanket on the roof was sliding off in sheets. It was very odd because everyone else's roof still had most of the snow left on their roof. Now theirs is beginning to melt but mine is probably gone. The roads are also clearing fast. The ground was not frozen so the snow won't stay long. It is currently 32*F here.

I hope all of you are having a lovely day. I'll be back again either later or tomorrow. I am hoping there is church tomorrow so I can go.

Woman paralysed 23 years ago 'cured by British spiritual healer' | Mail Online

Link

This is tremendous! I watched all the videos and it just got more and more amazing.

But I do get annoyed by headline writers. Only a non Christian would write that kind of headline. Christians do not believe people heal people. We believe that God heals people and that those who lay hands on a person and pray for their healing are a conduit through which healing power is delivered. God does the work through the hands of people.

Still don't believe. So explain this event to me. Scientifically, medically she was paralyzed. It is not a hoax that the accident occurred, that she was paralyzed from the waist down. Then, twenty-three years in a wheelchair, documented.She had no feeling in her legs, could not feel when she was touched. She's a Christian vocalist who's appeared in public all that time, but paralyzed. By now, her muscles have atrophied. Yet, she suddenly gets up, unsteady to be sure, but in a short time, she is able to lift her legs up and down.

And weeks later, she visit her mother, walking... in some nice 3 inch heels.

Link

Even the news media can't figure it out.

Never mind.. you don't have to explain it to me. I know how.

The Day Dawned

Wednesday dawned sunny.. and a bit earlier. The solstice has come and gone, sending us downhill toward Spring. Or maybe uphill... I suppose it depends on your perspective. I'm hoping it is downhill because that is a faster trip.

It is amazing how a little sunshine can lift your spirits and that even a tiny lift is welcomed. I was on my way to work and wondering what was different about today. Then I said out loud, "THE SUN IS SHINNING! Thank the Lord!" Really, this is the gloomiest place on earth. The cloud cover is just horrible in the winter. In the last two years, I don't look at the weather map so much to see the weather as to determine if I'll get even a sliver of sunlight. I know there is a place to check how many days of sunlight we get but I can't remember where it is. I'll have to Google it and see. I'm betting we're only getting half a year.

I had very little leg pain yesterday and last night. I did get awakened by pain in my calf this morning. I do not know what causes this pain. It is inexplicable. My feelings are that some of my muscle pain is due to taking Lipitor but I know of no way to document that except it occurred after I took it. I had to go off because it caused memory loss, too.

I have a headache. I think some of these are caused by my high blood pressure. I take medicine but I don't think it is working at times. I'm supposed to take my readings every day for a while. I keep forgetting it! I do good for a couple of days and then I forgot again.Must do that habit thing and see if it works. It only takes a few minutes and there is no reason for me not to do it first thing in the morning.

All right, I'm going. I need to do the neck exercise and see it that will help. Then, work... always work.

Home for Lunch

I came home for lunch today because my usual lunch companion, Carolyn, is off from now until the new year. So, the rest of the week I am on my own for lunch.

I don't mind. I like coming home. I don't like eating sandwiches all the time but it doesn't matter really. I guess if I wanted to cook I could. I just like being at home where I can sit in the quiet and not think about anything but how badly the carpet needs cleaning.

I used ice on my back again last night and I also put it on my shoulder. I think it may have helped that a bit too. But boy my knees are really not good today.

There is a restlessness in me I can't define. I have a lot of things running through my head that I want to do but I can't seem to find the motivation to actually do them. I remember getting this way a long time ago and I'd start a project that kept me occupied for days. But everything seems to be something I shared with Jerry. It isn't the same not having him to talk to about what I'm doing.

It is crazy because I don't actually ever remember talking to him about my sewing, or writing, or crochet. I must have done because now it feels as if I am supposed to and can't. Or maybe it is because those things I could do with him sitting in the room with me and feel his presence even though we never said a word. I just don't know.

I'm going to pull out my crochet again. I have a couple of pieces I never finished that I could finish now. I could get a movie out and let it run while I work on it. Maybe the big thing is that I'm not organized. I let too many other distractions interfere. I do that with my writing, too.

No answers. Just speculation.

It's Morning . . . Again

Another day is done and I have this and two more before my holiday vacation. I must try the motto of the Little Engine That Could. "I think I can. I think I can."

Trouble is, vacations have a way of being far too short and not being as much fun as you first imagine they'll be... at least mine do. This year I do not know what I'll be doing. This is the first long Christmas vacation I've taken since Jerry died. I had one the Christmas before his death. O.k. we are not going there today.

I'm tired but I seem to have the leg pain to a level that I'm not tossing and turning all night and I'm able to move around without cringing or hobbling too much. My knees, however, are not happy at all with things. They are very bad this morning, both of them.

There is a trick to walking if you have a bad leg or hip. "Up with the good and down with the bad." This works brilliantly. . . unless you have two bad ones. Then, well, I don't have one for that. Sit down and scooch?

Well, into the mines, me hearties. I've got piles to shovel before I sleep.

The Man with No Feet

"I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet."

I met a young woman tonight who's five month old child was murdered this past year by the child's father. When she wrapped her arms around my petite Sarah I did not have to wonder what she was thinking.

What I have lived was hell on earth. I can't begin to imagine that hell.

Right now stop whatever you are doing and count every blessing you have... leave none out. And imagine tomorrow when you wake up that every single is one gone.

Don't you dare feel sorry for yourself for the next 24 hours.

Sunday

I'm home today. Didn't go to church. I had planned to go last night but my leg pain got to the point I thought I'd have to go to the hospital and beg for a shot. It was simply nearly impossible to walk. I made the mistake of going shopping and that just made it even worse.

I am positive this pain in my leg is sciaticia. Maybe not 100% but most of it. I sent a note to my pastor and asked them to pray for me. Then, at midnight last night I finally went to the freezer and took out my ice packs. I have several in there. I wrapped it in a small towel, stuck it in the band of my pj pants and went to bed. Once it thawed, I got another. My leg is better this morning, with little pain. I've been icing it again today. But most of the pain in my entire leg is gone. Still have some burning sensation in my calf but believe me, that is nothing.

I'm cooking my lunch, listening to Christmas music. I have the lights on my tree, my nativity put out. I still have the decorations to go but I thought I'd have help with that. Nope. So, I'll just have to do it on my own I guess.

At this point, I do not think I will bother with all this again. I've seen Sarah once. She could care less about the tree. She played with her doll house.

Last night I took her presents to her house for Christmas morning. Her mother was telling her and she wanted to know if she could open them. She told her not until Christmas Day or she's send them back. Sarah told her mother that Santa would be pissed.

No, I do not use that term. But apparently her parents do.

I just finished my lunch, which I prepared for myself, by myself. I don't care much to eat at home. I dislike cooking for myself. It is just a waste of time since I don't enjoy eating alone. I usually just eat a sandwich. Today I made some mixed veggies because I wanted some. And I fixed a piece of spicy chicken (Buffalo chicken strips by Tyson). It was . . . ok. Then I had M&M's.. dessert, ya know.

I still have a headache. So off to do the neck exercise or find something to stop this head/neck ache.

Only four days to work this week. YoooHOOO!

It took two hours to finish this entry!!

Video gaming systems and energy use

Link

All right, folks! You all own them. You all play them. Guess what? You pay even when they aren't being used.

A Long Journey Through the Valley

I finished downloading the grief blog posts. There are 208 pages of entries. I do not think there will be anymore to download. No, I'm not "over it". Re-reading the last two years of posts, I realized that it won't ever really be over. He's always going to be gone. I'm always going to be wounded by it. I'm sure there will be other posts where I express grief over that thought.

To be unable to feel loss means you are unable to feel life. To experience the greatest joy, you must also experience the most devastating heartache. I believe we are designed to feel wounded at the loss of a loved one. Were we to feel nothing at that loss, we would also not have felt the love for that life. Whether you believe in a Creator or not, it is how we are made.

There is no cure for what happened to me and Jerry. He won't recover. I can't escape it. I can tamp down the images and thoughts that have nearly driven me insane. I can turn away from photos, shut off music, and look away from couples our age who remind me that I'm never going to grow old with Jerry. We won't watch Sarah grow up together. Nothing can fix it. The knife continues to twist with each memory, each image.

Somehow, I've managed to get some clarity of thought the last week or two. I don't know where it came from nor if it will last. I only know that while I've been reliving that long journey through the Valley of Death that it was my first trip truly alone. Jerry was not there to hold my hand. He could not lift me up or carry me when I was unable to walk. I could not call him when I needed him. I did but he did not answer. When I stood on the edge and stared into the darkness about to engulf me, he was not there to wrap himself around me and shelter me from the horrors. He always, always, always sheltered me.

There will be those who say "God was with you. He never left you." I will agree with you. He doesn't usually leave any of us. There were many days when I did not believe God was anywhere. On those days, I did not want to survive. There have been other days when I felt that He stood by me. Those are the days that I hung on the hardest. Psalms 23 says, "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Most days you don't feel any comfort. No where does it say that I don't have to make the journey. It does not say He makes it easy. It does not say He stops the pain.

I don't understand how you can take this trip and show no outward signs. There should be scars that cause people to stare, or oozing sores that make them cringe. There aren't. At least, not visible to anyone but you. You see them when you look in the mirror. Sometimes there are small signs, nearly unnoticeable - lines where there had been no lines, clothes that hang, rings that won't stay on your fingers, strands of hair that are suddenly a different color. Nothing major except it is another loss you can't control. It won't be fair.

Everyone must travel the road I am on. Unless you die young, someone close to you will die. And if you live long enough, you may walk this way more than once. It will be painful. It will be unfair. It is inevitable. I suspect it does not get any easier with each passing.

Even as I write this I struggle with what I am trying to say because words are so very inadequate to describe this trip. There are no road maps, no signs. No one can tell you which way to go. Everyone will give you books on the journey but in all honesty, you will have to write your own story, make your own way, redraw the map.


There are regrets. I know, I know. We are not supposed to have regrets. But they are there and they are hot irons that are forged in the heat of the moment and during the journey they sear our souls. I know of no way to avoid them. I had no opportunity. I'm giving you opportunity.

I've said before that everything you care about is within ten feet of you. Four feet from my bed are two portraits of my family - Jerry, Mike, Dave & me. If I could recall a single day of my life, it would be those days, when my sons were young, my husband was healthy, and I was happy. We were happy.

I don't expect happiness to find me again. I'll settle for peace.

Snowfall

The snow is falling lightly on the wind. We have a ground covering and it is 23 degrees out. I was going to church but I don't like crossing the twin bridges when they can freeze. It isn't fun on a sunny day for me but when there is ice, I don't want to cross them.

I sit here in my bed, under my electric blank and keep one eye on the window, which is mostly a white since I'm not directly in front of it and the sheer blurs things. It is warm but not comfortable. My upper back hates it. I rearrange the pillow periodically to make things a bit better. I could go get on the couch but honestly, it isn't much better after a bit. It is a cozy couch. You can have a lovely nap on it. But for long term sitting, it isn't good.

I have to get a new heater for the den. Or I have to have the current one serviced. We have to do that every year. It gets annoying. It won't light. So, no heat in there. I would have liked it this morning. I could sit at the dinning table and watch the snow fall and be on the computer. I have a couple of meds I need to go pick up at the pharmacy but I'm not inclined to go out.

I'm in a strange land today. It is white and cold and windy. I can't really see any paths but I know they are there. I have several to choose from but at this point I'm wandering aimlessly around, creating tracks a blind man could follow. Not that a blind man would be wondering around out here. But if he were. . .

I don't know where I'm going but I feel as if I'm going somewhere. If I could get rid of the constant pain in my extremities I'd feel almost normal. And yet, I never trust these episodes of near clarity. They are deceptive. Usually the entryway to difficult places. While I am an adventurer at heart, I've learned that most of my personal adventures are less than fun.

There have been a lot of adventures, too. But I can't remember them all. It is very frustrating. I've been praying for some of the good memories to return. The moments when we were enjoying our life. They haven't. I can't look at photos still. I have his portraits on the wall and I do stare at them for hours. I want to see his face, touch his cheek. See him smile at me. Other photos are not to be borne.

Change directions. In that direction lie jagged cliffs that will break you in pieces.

No, I'll stay here, walking in circles. That is the least damaging to the psyche. I feel like I could take a nap but I don't take naps and it is early for that. I have a mild headache on top of everything else. Probably a result of neck pain. I have to get up and exercise my neck to see if it helps. It actually usually does!

I'll be around. I actually do have to leave for a bit to get meds. I don't like going out in this but I have to have it before dark.

Hmmm, that's an interesting path over there. I think I'll try that and see where it takes me. {Looks back, waves and pulls the furry hood of her coat more snugly around her head}

See ya!

{Snow blows across the path, obliterating her tracks.}

Mom's Helper

Mike came over to do his laundry and has spent the afternoon helping me put shelves in the garage. There are really good. We used left over lumber that I saved with an eye to shelves. I have enough to add about four or five more. We simply cut them to fit between the studs in the garage and nailed them in. I put up another small cabinet that I had sitting on the floor out there that Jerry had made for us to use in the small bathroom. It is now on the wall next to the garage door. These will all give more floor space because they aren't in boxes all over the place. I want to get all my bits and pieces of screws, nails and other small items and put them in containers on the shelves.

It was nice being able to use Jerry's saw and my new drill. Mike, with direction, can do a lot of things. And working with his hands is something he truly enjoys. His help will allow me to do a lot of the minor jobs around here. Although, he and I are planning to build some shelving in the study now that I've been thinking about it. Over that area where I'm repairing the wall I am considering putting in shelves. I need them and they will hide any flaw in that wall when I'm done. It is a bit of a wasted corner anyway. Even with as a bedroom it was only big enough to have a night table there.

If they come out right, I'll do shelves on either side of the bedroom window in my spare room as well. That will allow me to get rid of that huge bookcase.

I love doing this kind of work but it is impossible for me to do it alone. Jerry and I loved making things together. I usually did the planning and holding things up but he did the sawing, nailing, and lifting. Without someone to do that, I'm limited. Mike seems willing to help, if I can get him up in the mornings.

I was going to work in the study on that wall but the shelves wanted doing first. By doing that we cleaned out a nice area to work in. The garage is so cold, though! I need a heater in there, I suppose. They make large heaters for work areas. And we aren't in there so much that it will impact my utility bill.

Reliving the Past

I spent the latter part of the evening, from around 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.going through the blog looking for the grief posts. I've made it through the December 2009. . . again.

It is time consuming because I have to read every post to see if it is something that pertains to what was going on with me. The experience is very odd. I don't know exactly what I feel re-reading many of them. The dark and heavily emotional posts are difficult because those images are still real. I do not know how I survived those nights lying in the dark hallway, or sitting in that dark house surrounded by memories that had become enemies. I remember the darkness so very clearly. It was tangible. Sometimes it seeps out again.

The memories are still horrible and I dare not dwell too long on them. Last night I read two posts where I acknowledged I was angry. I was angry all over again but it was tempered by an understanding of the anger. People failed me. I've become more accepting of failure because of that. It doesn't hurt less.

It is the nearly normal posts that surprise me. They are normal in that I seemed to step out of the darkness for a moment. Some of these made me angry. How could I be that way when two days before I was nearly catatonic! Then I remembered that every minute of every day I lived on the edge. I clung to anything normal I could find. I was posting a lot, anything and everything that captured my mind for even a minute. That is why those posts sound so silly now. That was when I could find some relief from the barrage of memories and press down the terrible pain that was always just below the surface, seething. It is still there, buried deeper, like a slumbering volcano. They say that at some point it will go dormant.

I'll begin work on the second year this weekend. I really have no idea where to go with this. It is a glimpse of the madness that stands silently behind the closed doors or our minds, waiting for something to flip the latch and set it free.