This is probably a normal response when you have a Monday off. The next day will, invariably be your Monday. I must say, however, that I've had fewer calls than a typical Monday. And I'm in a good place paperwork wise.
I had a headache this morning, right in the front of my head, which is actually an unusual place for me to have a headache. Not a migraine then? I don't know. My neck hurts as usual and that means pain from my head to my elbow and down my back to my shoulder blade. I slept badly I think. Well, it felt like it. My weekend was so packed that I was exhausted by bedtime. I put medicine on my knees and they are better this morning. I put more on it this morning hoping to stave off evening pain.
Mike missed another dentist appointment. I told him they wouldn't keep rescheduling. He said my sister, who said she'd take him for me, was not there (it is 10 now) and they won't see him if he is 10 minutes late. She does things like this for me on occasion and it is much appreciated. But she is late for everything. She drives very slow as well. I should have told her the appointment was at 9:30 rather than 10. Usually, if she is doing something like this for me, I tell her it is 30 minutes earlier for that reason. Otherwise, she's always half hour late.
At 9:45 yesterday she called about the picnic. She had to do a load of laundry before she could go. I had told her when lunch was going to be earlier in the week but I told her again that they would begin at 11:30 and that it was already nearly ten. I told her to call me when she was ready and if I was still in town, I'd pick her up but if not, to drive over anyway. I live 30 minutes from church. So she called me at 11:30 and I was already at the church. She did drive over but it was after noon by the time she got there. We enjoyed the day, though, and I'm glad she came. She hardly ever gets to do stuff like that and she really needs to.
I'm looking for something. I do not know what. I just feel as if I'm looking for something. I have a restlessness that keeps nagging at me. In case you haven't noticed, I haven't done anymore bead work. I am going to but I've just not had a really good few weeks. The pain has been worse most days even though the weather has improved. My mind is restless I think. I haven't had the bi-monthly meetings of the writing group and I think the lack of mental stimulation has been a factor. I did finish my outline/synopsis for Doug and e-mailed it off. I haven't heard from him but he has a lot going on at the moment. His wife started a new job and his company is in the middle of a buyout so he's concerned for his own job. I feel bad assigning him that short story. I'll have to go easy on the grading scale.
Anyway, I feel a bit like a sheet in the wind. Remember when you were a kid and your mother hung the sheets on the line? Well, most of you will. Anyway, when the wind blew hard the sheet would make this snapping sound and strain at the clothes pins. Sometimes a pin would come loose and the corner would flap. If you tried to take the sheet down, you almost had to do battle to gather it up before it took off. That's pretty much how I feel. I'm madly straining at the pins. But even if I get free, I do not know where I'd go or what I'd do.
I have taken off four hours on the 17th to drive over to Louisville and meet up with my aunt and uncle. They probably won't get there until after three but it takes me two hours to drive it and Louisville is an hour ahead of me. I am going to start planning for another independent excursion soon.
I have to, at some point, get used to it. Otherwise, my life is going to be very confining and sad. I will become a recluse who never goes anywhere or does anything. Jerry would never have liked that. I was the daring one, the one who'd try just about anything as long as it was not going to hurt me if I fell, and who would try anything once as long as it didn't look at me, wiggle when I stuck a fork in it, or didn't eat me. And that was what he loved. He might not do it, but he liked watching me.
Since I started this post I have gone to lunch and my head has eased up but not much. Not sure what that is about. I so wish I could just go home. Tomorrow is recertification day again and it will be over 100 people we have to see. I hate recert days. But with us taking people off the program and not adding new people on, this number will begin to dwindle soon. Unfortunately, we will eventually require less staff. I need to get another skill. I was thinking last night maybe I should try and take a class in medical transcription or something. I'd hate it but hey, it is a sit down job that pays reasonably well, in not as well as what I'm doing.
I'm going to have to check on tires I think tonight. I have to get new tires on my car. I hope maybe by next weekend I'll have them. I'm terrible at this stuff. Jerry just took care of it. I never had to worry about it or shop for it or handle it. I despise this.
I must sign off now. I have some calls to answer and work to do. Hope you fellow Yanks had a good Labor Day. Too bad the rest of you don't have a Labor Day. Of course, my Brit friends get all those "Bank" holidays that I simply don't get at all but sound very nice since they appear to give them nice long weekends at just the right time. Or maybe I'm got it wrong.....{shrug} Someone will correct me, I'm sure.
"Old Fashioned: A style that must be grown into to wear it with grace."
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labor Day at Haven
Sarah spent her first night at Mawmaw's last night. Since I didn't have to be at work today we just played it by ear. She went to church with me last night. And I was finally able to go to sleep at 3 a.m. She never cried but she fought sleep that long. Of course, I have no idea when she had gotten up that morning. But she was very sleepy. I decided to tough it out. She woke at 6 asking for beef stew! LOL, I'd given my only two cans to her mom for her weeks ago. I decided since we'd had only 3 hours sleep we were NOT getting up.
I got up at 9 and got her up. I took a warm cloth and washed her face to wake her because she sleeps hard once she sleeps. She gave me the dirtiest look you have ever seen. I laughed and told her that when her daddy was a little boy I kept a spray bottle of water and if he and uncle Mike didn't get up after three attempts they got sprayed with it and would jump out of bed yelling. I yelled and she giggled. She was up.
We got to the picnic around 11:00 and found a spot to sit. Our new building has walls and a roof and the meal was served inside this. It was actually perfect weather and not uncomfortable at all. A breeze blew in through open windows and doors not finished.
My sister, Phyllis came shortly and joined us. There was plenty of food and we all ate but they always forget the condiments for the hot dogs! Every year! I brought diet cokes and two years ago I made a point of bringing condiments but forgot this year. I'm going to make a list next year. A case of diet sodas since they ran out of those and had a couple of cases of the sugar stuff!
Sarah wanted chicken and fortunately someone had brought fired chicken! What kind of food? Hamburgers, hot dogs, pork and beef stakes, baked beans, mash potatoes, green beans, broccoli casseroles, mac and cheese casseroles, corn, chicken and dumplings (which ran out before my turn!), banana pudding, cakes, pies and watermelon. There may have been other things but that is just what I noticed.
After lunch, we went to play games. Sarah played a beanbag toss until the official games began. Then she did an egg toss and a obstacle course race. She had a wonderful time. I got drafted for the three legged race (remember these are 4-12 year olds) because they were short a leg or two. And I promptly fell flat half way to the finish, with my other leg, Gracie (about 11 or 12). I'll feel that tomorrow. We lost and I think she was disappointed. We had a good gait when we practiced but got tangled up in the race.
I am already having problems with the right leg and hip. Lots of knee pain and pain in my arms and hands. When Sarah woke me this morning it was just horrible. I was very concerned about it.
Finally, we headed home. Sarah promptly fell asleep during the movie Marmaduke that my sister brought by. I'm exhausted. Becca is bringing over a birthday cake because we have not had one yet. Sarah is still sleeping. I hope she sleeps tonight but ;) she'll be home tonight.
I stopped several times today and thought how much fun Jerry would have gotten from the day. He loved his church and this picnic was a highpoint of the year for him. We usually just sat and watched things and talked to people but that was enough for him. But today, with Sarah he would have had the best day of his life.
I got up at 9 and got her up. I took a warm cloth and washed her face to wake her because she sleeps hard once she sleeps. She gave me the dirtiest look you have ever seen. I laughed and told her that when her daddy was a little boy I kept a spray bottle of water and if he and uncle Mike didn't get up after three attempts they got sprayed with it and would jump out of bed yelling. I yelled and she giggled. She was up.
We got to the picnic around 11:00 and found a spot to sit. Our new building has walls and a roof and the meal was served inside this. It was actually perfect weather and not uncomfortable at all. A breeze blew in through open windows and doors not finished.
My sister, Phyllis came shortly and joined us. There was plenty of food and we all ate but they always forget the condiments for the hot dogs! Every year! I brought diet cokes and two years ago I made a point of bringing condiments but forgot this year. I'm going to make a list next year. A case of diet sodas since they ran out of those and had a couple of cases of the sugar stuff!
Sarah wanted chicken and fortunately someone had brought fired chicken! What kind of food? Hamburgers, hot dogs, pork and beef stakes, baked beans, mash potatoes, green beans, broccoli casseroles, mac and cheese casseroles, corn, chicken and dumplings (which ran out before my turn!), banana pudding, cakes, pies and watermelon. There may have been other things but that is just what I noticed.
After lunch, we went to play games. Sarah played a beanbag toss until the official games began. Then she did an egg toss and a obstacle course race. She had a wonderful time. I got drafted for the three legged race (remember these are 4-12 year olds) because they were short a leg or two. And I promptly fell flat half way to the finish, with my other leg, Gracie (about 11 or 12). I'll feel that tomorrow. We lost and I think she was disappointed. We had a good gait when we practiced but got tangled up in the race.
I am already having problems with the right leg and hip. Lots of knee pain and pain in my arms and hands. When Sarah woke me this morning it was just horrible. I was very concerned about it.
Finally, we headed home. Sarah promptly fell asleep during the movie Marmaduke that my sister brought by. I'm exhausted. Becca is bringing over a birthday cake because we have not had one yet. Sarah is still sleeping. I hope she sleeps tonight but ;) she'll be home tonight.
I stopped several times today and thought how much fun Jerry would have gotten from the day. He loved his church and this picnic was a highpoint of the year for him. We usually just sat and watched things and talked to people but that was enough for him. But today, with Sarah he would have had the best day of his life.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day's End
The day ends with me very far behind in the things I wanted to do. Sarah didn't come over until after 5. I went to buy a weed trimmer. Bought an electric one and had to take it back less than an hour later. The line kept tangling up and it didn't work right. I bought a gas operated one instead but haven't tried it yet. They are so heavy for me to operate but I don't have much choice.
I sat on the patio a long time today. It was nice out but the mosquitoes still bothered me a bit. I did nothing else today. Mike and I went to Sonic and had burgers for lunch. Sonic is a drive-in where they have carhops who bring your food to the car on roller skates but they have a section of tables outside and we got out of the car to eat. The weather was simply perfect. He rolled the fence to the street for me. I asked him to cut the yard but I don't think he was feeling well today. He said his shoulder was hurting. I am hoping he did not hurt it moving those stones. He said it was hurting before that and he used the wheelbarrow to move them. That's ok if he did but still, I could tell his shoulder was bothering him. He has no explanation as to why or he isn't telling me.
I hope to go to church tomorrow. I've asked to take Sarah. They say they are going but we'll see. I'm doubtful.
I went to Sam's Club to look at tires for the car and I bought Sarah two very cute little dresses and some books for her birthday present. I bought me two tops that have to go back. Hate the way they fit but you can't try on clothes there.
Now,I'm in bed contemplating finishing my book, Heat Wave. This is such a funny book! It is a mystery but the characters are so funny. But then they are in the television show! I have no idea who really wrote the book. They have the fictional character's name on it but who knows. It is owned by ABC.
I'm stopping now because I really don't have anything important to say and I frown on rambling blogs written by me. I deactivated my Facebook account this afternoon. I thought that was the same as deleting it but it is apparently not. I'll go back and delete it later. Very liberating. Wonder what we'll all do when the grid fails? No electricity... no internet!My battery is only good for about 4-6 hrs, maybe a bit longer if all I do is write and don't do any heavy duty stuff like videos. Gee, I'd have to learn to write all over again.
Yes, I did say WHEN the grid fails. It will, eventually. Nothing last forever and if it can go wrong, it will.
With that thought to ponder, I bid you good night.
I sat on the patio a long time today. It was nice out but the mosquitoes still bothered me a bit. I did nothing else today. Mike and I went to Sonic and had burgers for lunch. Sonic is a drive-in where they have carhops who bring your food to the car on roller skates but they have a section of tables outside and we got out of the car to eat. The weather was simply perfect. He rolled the fence to the street for me. I asked him to cut the yard but I don't think he was feeling well today. He said his shoulder was hurting. I am hoping he did not hurt it moving those stones. He said it was hurting before that and he used the wheelbarrow to move them. That's ok if he did but still, I could tell his shoulder was bothering him. He has no explanation as to why or he isn't telling me.
I hope to go to church tomorrow. I've asked to take Sarah. They say they are going but we'll see. I'm doubtful.
I went to Sam's Club to look at tires for the car and I bought Sarah two very cute little dresses and some books for her birthday present. I bought me two tops that have to go back. Hate the way they fit but you can't try on clothes there.
Now,I'm in bed contemplating finishing my book, Heat Wave. This is such a funny book! It is a mystery but the characters are so funny. But then they are in the television show! I have no idea who really wrote the book. They have the fictional character's name on it but who knows. It is owned by ABC.
I'm stopping now because I really don't have anything important to say and I frown on rambling blogs written by me. I deactivated my Facebook account this afternoon. I thought that was the same as deleting it but it is apparently not. I'll go back and delete it later. Very liberating. Wonder what we'll all do when the grid fails? No electricity... no internet!My battery is only good for about 4-6 hrs, maybe a bit longer if all I do is write and don't do any heavy duty stuff like videos. Gee, I'd have to learn to write all over again.
Yes, I did say WHEN the grid fails. It will, eventually. Nothing last forever and if it can go wrong, it will.
With that thought to ponder, I bid you good night.
Good Morning, Saturday!
You look marvelous! It is lovely out my window. The sunshine woke me and she's such beautiful girl. It is a chilly 63 out there so I won't go out for a bit.
I woke up at 8:30 and got a nice hot cup of joe. I'm sitting in the middle of my bed writing challenges and this blog. My church has a Labor Day picnic on Monday and I may go to that. Mike and I will, anyway. I don't know if anyone else will but we decided to go for the food. LOL.
I realized last night that my Writing Challenge blog on blogspot has 1 follower! I was surprised and thrilled. LOL, silly huh? I don't know the person but they had several writing blogs they are members of and mine was one. Lately, I've not been doing challenges because my head wasn't cooperating. But I think I'll work on some more this weekend.
I have one week to finish my outline. I think I will be done but it has been really difficult. If I could have outlined without reading the whole story,I'd be done but I have to read it to know what is going one so I can summarize it. This is why you are supposed to outline before you write. LOL.
I'm deleting my Facebook account today. If I am on your Facebook it is not personal. I have some members that just insist on bickering and carrying on I'm really tired of it. It depresses me that these people continue to publicly air their opinions thinking that the rest of the world cares that they are mean and petty. Were I reviewing some of the sites for potential employees, I'd be put off from hiring people who can't get along in public and think free speech means mouthing off all the time regardless of what others think. I don't get that at all. It gets depressing.
I told one of my children this week that kind of behavior is why I have a very small circle of family contacts and friends. I simply don't like negative people around me.I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to read every boring detail of their life and their silly arguments. These people who repeatedly use the media to say things that they don't have the nerve to call and say on the phone or to someone's face.
I sure don't want people to see I know such people. Blogs are for venting and you chose who sees and you tend to make a point... even if it is that your are just crazy. Facebook is not a blog. And my idea of social networking is shaking hands and smiling, trying to make the best impression I can. Not tell the world I'm a fool who gets in a snit over every little thing. Well, you guys know I do but this is what the blog is. It also gets boring reading about the hours people have spent playing a game. Page after page of it! Do I care?
Oh! And the Facebook Christian! Oh, I love those. Misquoting scripture to suit an ignorant attitude. People who never open the Bible should NOT quote what they THINK the Bible says. They just expose how profoundly stupid they are to a billion people! Isn't that fun! And those who do know quote only that special part that proves they are right! But then they go make nasty comments to people, exposing that they are also mean and nasty!
Then there is the FPF - Facebook Pseudo Friend. Those are the ones who say "Let's keep in touch. Add me!" And you never hear from them again. . . except when they post they've played games for six days straight and have the highest score in the world. Or when they talk to other people but never respond to your greetings.
O.k. this has become a rant. I'm going and cast out that demon Facebook! I truly believe it is a negative place. Might be fine if only your relatives are on there and you get along and keep in contact. But some of the mean and nasty people on mine ARE relatives! It is why I live three states away!
I found out yesterday that Mike has broken up with Connie. I'm very sorry for him. He really liked her and I think she liked him. He simply can't reconcile their differences in faith. She likes to go to bars and clubs to dance and she smokes and drinks. And she wouldn't go to church with him. He says he just can't deal with that. Don't get me wrong. Mike is NOT perfect. Far from it. He is... is desperately lonely. That isn't our lifestyle and he's smart enough to know that it would not be wise to mix in a marriage.
I went through a period last January when I thought I was going to do some stupid things. It was horrible but it let me have a bit of insight into Mike's mind. This kind of loneliness is terrible. No relief from the emptiness of your life. Waking up every morning and going to bed every night without the person you love. No special occasions to celebrate. I think it hit me because of the holidays. Mike has been living this for 4 years and in this area, we are very much alike. We loved being a couple with someone and our lives were meant to be lived like that. That was our purpose. We've both been dealt a bad hand. His ended in divorce and mine in death.
I'm trying to redraw the lines on the map. I have to learn to like this kind of solitude. It is not the same as solitude when you are married. Then, you always go back to that person because you want to be with them. Now, I have no choice. I can't come back from it. So, I try and do things by myself but it is hard. Most of the time I feel better staying home. No one bothers me here. (Read no one calls.) LOL. My aunt and uncle have spent lots of time trying to get me to get out and go places. They have in the past taken trips with their friends from Texas and just the two of them for years. This last year they have included me when things got very bad. They helped. But as you all know my first trip "alone" last month was a fiasco. I had this totally unrealistic idea of how it would be. It wasn't. In the first place, seeing new places alone is no fun. Secondly, car troubles in strange cities alone is even less fun. Yes, I'll have to try again because this . . . is . . . my life. I have no other.
I talked to Kat last night about trying to get together. She is waaaaaayyyyyy up in Chicago. It is over six hours for either of us to drive. I talked to Nancy, too. I think she's in Missouri... at least six hours. Nina is closer... about three hours. Who else? Oh, Cassandra in Illinois is about three hours. Grammy Blicktx... well, Texas is a bit of a jaunt but I've been wanting to go back there for a visit anyway.
I decided something else. Next year the Midwest Writer's Guild is hosting a weekend writing conference. I mentioned this before. I have about five writing friends on my list of contacts... maybe six. All of of you are invited to camp at my house if you want to attend! That is one year away. I'll post details as it progresses. Bring air mattresses, camp cots etc. I do have a couple of beds for anyone who can't do the air mattress thing. By then, the house won't be a total disaster of repairs. I hope to have a new tub in a couple of months. Just a thought. I'm serious. You just have to spring for your conference fees and meals.
The morning has progressed and it is now 66 degrees at 10 a.m. I'm going to get off here and go fix me something to eat. Mike said he is coming over. I am going to see if he will do some stuff outside for me. Sarah has not arrived, despite her projected arrival time of 9 a.m. I won't wait. Too much I need to do.
Labor Day holiday has gotten off to a lovely start. Hope everyone has a really lovely weekend.
I woke up at 8:30 and got a nice hot cup of joe. I'm sitting in the middle of my bed writing challenges and this blog. My church has a Labor Day picnic on Monday and I may go to that. Mike and I will, anyway. I don't know if anyone else will but we decided to go for the food. LOL.
I realized last night that my Writing Challenge blog on blogspot has 1 follower! I was surprised and thrilled. LOL, silly huh? I don't know the person but they had several writing blogs they are members of and mine was one. Lately, I've not been doing challenges because my head wasn't cooperating. But I think I'll work on some more this weekend.
I have one week to finish my outline. I think I will be done but it has been really difficult. If I could have outlined without reading the whole story,I'd be done but I have to read it to know what is going one so I can summarize it. This is why you are supposed to outline before you write. LOL.
I'm deleting my Facebook account today. If I am on your Facebook it is not personal. I have some members that just insist on bickering and carrying on I'm really tired of it. It depresses me that these people continue to publicly air their opinions thinking that the rest of the world cares that they are mean and petty. Were I reviewing some of the sites for potential employees, I'd be put off from hiring people who can't get along in public and think free speech means mouthing off all the time regardless of what others think. I don't get that at all. It gets depressing.
I told one of my children this week that kind of behavior is why I have a very small circle of family contacts and friends. I simply don't like negative people around me.I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to read every boring detail of their life and their silly arguments. These people who repeatedly use the media to say things that they don't have the nerve to call and say on the phone or to someone's face.
I sure don't want people to see I know such people. Blogs are for venting and you chose who sees and you tend to make a point... even if it is that your are just crazy. Facebook is not a blog. And my idea of social networking is shaking hands and smiling, trying to make the best impression I can. Not tell the world I'm a fool who gets in a snit over every little thing. Well, you guys know I do but this is what the blog is. It also gets boring reading about the hours people have spent playing a game. Page after page of it! Do I care?
Oh! And the Facebook Christian! Oh, I love those. Misquoting scripture to suit an ignorant attitude. People who never open the Bible should NOT quote what they THINK the Bible says. They just expose how profoundly stupid they are to a billion people! Isn't that fun! And those who do know quote only that special part that proves they are right! But then they go make nasty comments to people, exposing that they are also mean and nasty!
Then there is the FPF - Facebook Pseudo Friend. Those are the ones who say "Let's keep in touch. Add me!" And you never hear from them again. . . except when they post they've played games for six days straight and have the highest score in the world. Or when they talk to other people but never respond to your greetings.
O.k. this has become a rant. I'm going and cast out that demon Facebook! I truly believe it is a negative place. Might be fine if only your relatives are on there and you get along and keep in contact. But some of the mean and nasty people on mine ARE relatives! It is why I live three states away!
I found out yesterday that Mike has broken up with Connie. I'm very sorry for him. He really liked her and I think she liked him. He simply can't reconcile their differences in faith. She likes to go to bars and clubs to dance and she smokes and drinks. And she wouldn't go to church with him. He says he just can't deal with that. Don't get me wrong. Mike is NOT perfect. Far from it. He is... is desperately lonely. That isn't our lifestyle and he's smart enough to know that it would not be wise to mix in a marriage.
I went through a period last January when I thought I was going to do some stupid things. It was horrible but it let me have a bit of insight into Mike's mind. This kind of loneliness is terrible. No relief from the emptiness of your life. Waking up every morning and going to bed every night without the person you love. No special occasions to celebrate. I think it hit me because of the holidays. Mike has been living this for 4 years and in this area, we are very much alike. We loved being a couple with someone and our lives were meant to be lived like that. That was our purpose. We've both been dealt a bad hand. His ended in divorce and mine in death.
I'm trying to redraw the lines on the map. I have to learn to like this kind of solitude. It is not the same as solitude when you are married. Then, you always go back to that person because you want to be with them. Now, I have no choice. I can't come back from it. So, I try and do things by myself but it is hard. Most of the time I feel better staying home. No one bothers me here. (Read no one calls.) LOL. My aunt and uncle have spent lots of time trying to get me to get out and go places. They have in the past taken trips with their friends from Texas and just the two of them for years. This last year they have included me when things got very bad. They helped. But as you all know my first trip "alone" last month was a fiasco. I had this totally unrealistic idea of how it would be. It wasn't. In the first place, seeing new places alone is no fun. Secondly, car troubles in strange cities alone is even less fun. Yes, I'll have to try again because this . . . is . . . my life. I have no other.
I talked to Kat last night about trying to get together. She is waaaaaayyyyyy up in Chicago. It is over six hours for either of us to drive. I talked to Nancy, too. I think she's in Missouri... at least six hours. Nina is closer... about three hours. Who else? Oh, Cassandra in Illinois is about three hours. Grammy Blicktx... well, Texas is a bit of a jaunt but I've been wanting to go back there for a visit anyway.
I decided something else. Next year the Midwest Writer's Guild is hosting a weekend writing conference. I mentioned this before. I have about five writing friends on my list of contacts... maybe six. All of of you are invited to camp at my house if you want to attend! That is one year away. I'll post details as it progresses. Bring air mattresses, camp cots etc. I do have a couple of beds for anyone who can't do the air mattress thing. By then, the house won't be a total disaster of repairs. I hope to have a new tub in a couple of months. Just a thought. I'm serious. You just have to spring for your conference fees and meals.
The morning has progressed and it is now 66 degrees at 10 a.m. I'm going to get off here and go fix me something to eat. Mike said he is coming over. I am going to see if he will do some stuff outside for me. Sarah has not arrived, despite her projected arrival time of 9 a.m. I won't wait. Too much I need to do.
Labor Day holiday has gotten off to a lovely start. Hope everyone has a really lovely weekend.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Black Wednesday
I do not want to go out today. This has been simply a horrible week. I feel as if I've backtracked months. Memories that are so painful that they can't be borne just pour in and can't be stopped. And the ache of wanting to see Jerry is beyond belief.
I don't know when that will stop. I have never stopped missing Mama and she died when I was 17! There has been more than one day in all those years when I simply sat and cried for hours. No day has ever gone by when I didn't think of her and miss her and need her. This is worse. This is utter devastation. I do not know what to do.
I am about to leave for work but every day this week has been nearly impossible. If I did what I wanted to do, I'd lie down on the couch and not get up. On top of it I'm in the middle of some kind of flare. Fibro and RA combined. Joints and muscles have been hurting and this pain reduces your ability to cope. Saturday was fine and it has been downhill ever since. I'm making more mistakes typing, too.
I have an appointment today at 10 with the RA doctor. There isn't much she can do. She just checks to see how the joints are faring and if I'm any worse. These are both diseases which don't kill you but they make you wish you were dead. And there is no known cure. So couple those with my life and you may get a clue as to what most days are for me.
I have to stop complaining about it. It is what it is. Get used to it. Accept inevitability. Someone said after Jerry died, "You're a fighter." I never wanted to fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I want, so very much, peace. To stop feeling all of this.
I don't know when that will stop. I have never stopped missing Mama and she died when I was 17! There has been more than one day in all those years when I simply sat and cried for hours. No day has ever gone by when I didn't think of her and miss her and need her. This is worse. This is utter devastation. I do not know what to do.
I am about to leave for work but every day this week has been nearly impossible. If I did what I wanted to do, I'd lie down on the couch and not get up. On top of it I'm in the middle of some kind of flare. Fibro and RA combined. Joints and muscles have been hurting and this pain reduces your ability to cope. Saturday was fine and it has been downhill ever since. I'm making more mistakes typing, too.
I have an appointment today at 10 with the RA doctor. There isn't much she can do. She just checks to see how the joints are faring and if I'm any worse. These are both diseases which don't kill you but they make you wish you were dead. And there is no known cure. So couple those with my life and you may get a clue as to what most days are for me.
I have to stop complaining about it. It is what it is. Get used to it. Accept inevitability. Someone said after Jerry died, "You're a fighter." I never wanted to fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I want, so very much, peace. To stop feeling all of this.
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