It tumbles. That's the analogy. I'll clear it up at the beginning. Mainly because if I don't you will think I'm simply crazy. I do nothing simply.
I was for about 24 hours, nearly happy. I got frightened on Saturday because the thought had even occurred to me! Never say you're happy or nearly happy or could be happy. I'm paying for it today. I asked for it, of course. I can't seem to get my head on right. Can't seem to keep a check on my emotions. Disappointments abound.
Sunday was a stressful day, not a day of real rest. I was feeling very shaky and emotional Sunday morning. I went to church, spent the afternoon reading stuff online and watching t.v. shows on Hulu. I went to church Sunday night and dear Sis. Powell asked me to sing. I did. It was fine. The last time I sang that song was Sunday night, Jan 11, 2009, our anniversary. I announced that it was our anniversary and that my husband deserved a hand because of all the stuff he'd put up with for 35 years. I will never forget the smile on his face. Jerry would be dead in 10 days. Amazing the kinds of things you can remember. But I forgot to get hairspray at the store yesterday. I forgot to pick up my medicines from the pharmacy. I forgot to get fabric softener. Life is truly filled with trivial details better forgotten. Most of the crap we deal with just doesn't matter.
Last night, I just wanted to see him, for five minutes, to just hug him, rub his cheek, talk to him about all the things that I was dealing with, to hear him say not to worry, even though he knew I would. I said as much to the air. I said I knew it was impossible. I agreed that if I saw him it would only make things worse. I mean, that's why we don't see people after they die. It would be a constant reminder that we can't touch them or be with them in any real way. We can't be hugged or kissed or hold hands. I can't imagine a more horrible nightmare. To see someone you are connected to by heart, mind and body and not be able to reach them. Stephen King couldn't write it. I admitted it but it didn't change a thing.
So, I dreamed. I dreamed he was there. I could feel the skin of his cheek under my hands. I rubbed his shoulders and arms and hands as if I was trying to absorb the feel into my own pores. I hugged him. I kissed him. I snuggled against his side. He never spoke that I can recall. And I woke up this morning not sure of what day it was or what time it was and feeling cheated and anxious. And tired, as if the effort to hold on to him had been too much.
I feel as if I'm being tossed in all directions. I can remember as a kid getting at the top of a hill and rolling down. We came up laughing and ran back up to do it again. It isn't fun anymore. I don't like the dizziness. I feel as if nothing is stable and secure and that the whole world would collapse at any moment. Is this what insanity feels like? I only write this because I thought if I did I might understand it a bit better. Or that some of the fear would dissipate. It hasn't worked so far. Because it is fear. An overwhelming sense of no control and no stability. This is a high wire across the Grand Canyon and there is no net. It is the Ferris Wheel with no brakes.
Jerry took me to the fair right after we first married and moved into our own apartment, probably in the fall of 1974. We rode all kind of rides. I had ridden a Ferris Wheel once in my life when I was about 10 and never wanted to again but he talked me into riding this double Ferris Wheel. I was terrified but he convinced me it would be fine. It wasn't. I got so frightened I couldn't open my eyes and I thought it would never end. Afterward, I went home and was sick to my stomach and had to go to bed. I've never ridden another one. I wish I could stop this one and get off.
It is all confusing. I stay confused and that is the most frightening thing of all. When I woke up Saturday, I was clear headed and thought that maybe things were going to be better. I had this notion on Saturday that the world was going to stop tipping on its axis and knocking me down. I fluctuate between a sense of light ahead and an all encompassing darkness. I can't keep the light long enough to feel safe. This isn't depression as I know it. This is something else. Is this grief? I don't know. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm the one whose dead.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday Outlook
I had a pretty good sleep last night! Wow...I was exhausted and when I went to bed went to sleep as soon as my lights went out, which was probably around 11:30 or a little after... I think.... Anyway, I slept hard until this morning. Had several dreams I think and woke up with a "bad" feeling. I hate dreams that you leave you feeling like that because you feel you have missed something or forgotten something or ... or something. Getting up with gloom hanging over you head is so unpleasant.
I lay there for a bit contemplating who'd go with me this morning and if I really thought I could go by myself. Yes, I can but I so want to take Sarah and I know that it isn't going to happen so I am always disappointed on Sundays. It never changes. I call, no one answers or if they do, they aren't going.
Maybe you can be a Christian and not go to church. But if I believe the Bible it instructs up to GO to God's house regularly. I understand the sick and infirm and those unable to go. God understands all that. He understands where I've been living for a year and a half. I've missed a lot. But I assure you my desire often dragged me there, even though at times I felt worse for going. If someone had gone with me, I'd have gone more. There is a something in me that longs to be where God is. I know, I know, He's WITH us. But there is something, perhaps the thing that drove King David to the temple, that calls to my heart to go. I don't think people realize that church attendance is not to bless them so much as it is to bless God. It is a way that honor is given to God. A day and a place set aside solely for Him. To abandon that is to tell God we're too busy to be bothered. Our life is much too important to give him a single day.
So, I go, alone if necessary. If no one goes, I want to go. But I want them to go, too. I want them to have that same desire. I've accepted it isn't going to happen. My desire is to honor God, to let Him know how much He means to me. I don't want to be so busy that God has to get in line for my complete attention.
Then, my phone rings and there is ever faithful Mike. Despite his problems. Despite his falling off the path at times, there is this thing in Mike, too. This desire to be there. He has always had it, never lost it, in fact. If he were a better driver, I'd let him take my car on days when I'm physically not able to go. But he's just terrible and I can't have anything happen to my car. But he goes with me. And in that, he honors me and his Dad. It is what we wanted for our children. I guess we did one thing right.
So, I'm off to church. I am not going to do anything this afternoon but take Mike to the store. I'm coming home and getting comfortable and not answering my phone. I did all the cleaning I need yesterday. Today, I want to rest.
I lay there for a bit contemplating who'd go with me this morning and if I really thought I could go by myself. Yes, I can but I so want to take Sarah and I know that it isn't going to happen so I am always disappointed on Sundays. It never changes. I call, no one answers or if they do, they aren't going.
Maybe you can be a Christian and not go to church. But if I believe the Bible it instructs up to GO to God's house regularly. I understand the sick and infirm and those unable to go. God understands all that. He understands where I've been living for a year and a half. I've missed a lot. But I assure you my desire often dragged me there, even though at times I felt worse for going. If someone had gone with me, I'd have gone more. There is a something in me that longs to be where God is. I know, I know, He's WITH us. But there is something, perhaps the thing that drove King David to the temple, that calls to my heart to go. I don't think people realize that church attendance is not to bless them so much as it is to bless God. It is a way that honor is given to God. A day and a place set aside solely for Him. To abandon that is to tell God we're too busy to be bothered. Our life is much too important to give him a single day.
So, I go, alone if necessary. If no one goes, I want to go. But I want them to go, too. I want them to have that same desire. I've accepted it isn't going to happen. My desire is to honor God, to let Him know how much He means to me. I don't want to be so busy that God has to get in line for my complete attention.
Then, my phone rings and there is ever faithful Mike. Despite his problems. Despite his falling off the path at times, there is this thing in Mike, too. This desire to be there. He has always had it, never lost it, in fact. If he were a better driver, I'd let him take my car on days when I'm physically not able to go. But he's just terrible and I can't have anything happen to my car. But he goes with me. And in that, he honors me and his Dad. It is what we wanted for our children. I guess we did one thing right.
So, I'm off to church. I am not going to do anything this afternoon but take Mike to the store. I'm coming home and getting comfortable and not answering my phone. I did all the cleaning I need yesterday. Today, I want to rest.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Passed the Middle
Sunshine in my window. I hate being stuck inside. I went out and watered some of the flowers last night. The only thing really left is the Four O'clocks and marigolds. I have a few moss roses the rabbits didn't eat and two Lantanas that are just about a foot high but blooming. Everything else the heat or rabbits got. Next year... pot gardening. The ground work is way to much work.
I thought that as you got older time seemed to speed up. I haven't found that true this year. Since Jerry died days seem to drag along and so do weeks. It makes it very difficult sometimes to get through them. I should be grateful. So many times I remember thinking that life was just whizzing by and there wasn't enough time. Now, it isn't whizzing by and there seems to be more time but I have no energy or mental cohesiveness to do anything.
The weather is changing. I woke with aches and pains. My left foot. I have to have the bunion on that foot looked at. My right hip has hurt for days but more so this morning. My lower back. Yesterday a co-worker's back went out and I sent her home. Mine had been flaring up and today, when I woke I thought I might not make it either. We both have sciatica. Then, my upper back aches a bit.
Now you've had the rundown we'll move on.
It is Thursday and tonight is Writer's meeting. I'm only expecting two people. We used to be six and the summer seems to have just sent us in all directions. I am adjusting I think to not having it but I miss it. And I find I'm not writing without the stimulation of writing talks.
Must think about an online group soon.
The change in the way I take my meds at night seems to have done a couple of things. I'm sleeping a lot better. As a result, I'm not having such strong emotional bouts at least. Sleep is the only thing I know that helps with that and the fibro. And I'm not as groggy in the early evening! Duh!! I hope I'll get a routine established this week and then make myself do more in the evenings. I was even having trouble when I went to church at night. Driving back home was just a huge task because I'd be so tired but not able to sleep once I got home and ready for bed.
NaNo is around the bend. Thirty days of madness. I'm looking forward to it this year, hoping it will break this tendency to procrastinate. I usually come out with the bones of a good story that turns into a rotting corpse before the year is out. I'd like to change that. I didn't think I could do it at all last year and I very nearly didn't. But I don't want another NaNo like that one. It was an horrible way to write. And without my NaNo buddies I do not think I could have done it at all.
Dave and family came by last night and we had sandwiches. They came while I was watering plants. Mosquitoes are terrible out and we didn't stay out. I despise those nasty pests. I had Dave take some of the sand from the sand box and cover the wet area where my air is draining. I have to go get some pipe and dig a drainage trench. I'll see if Mike can do that for me this weekend. He's good at stuff like that when I can get him moving.
Well, work calls. Has an ugly voice. Hope everyone has a beautiful day!
I thought that as you got older time seemed to speed up. I haven't found that true this year. Since Jerry died days seem to drag along and so do weeks. It makes it very difficult sometimes to get through them. I should be grateful. So many times I remember thinking that life was just whizzing by and there wasn't enough time. Now, it isn't whizzing by and there seems to be more time but I have no energy or mental cohesiveness to do anything.
The weather is changing. I woke with aches and pains. My left foot. I have to have the bunion on that foot looked at. My right hip has hurt for days but more so this morning. My lower back. Yesterday a co-worker's back went out and I sent her home. Mine had been flaring up and today, when I woke I thought I might not make it either. We both have sciatica. Then, my upper back aches a bit.
Now you've had the rundown we'll move on.
It is Thursday and tonight is Writer's meeting. I'm only expecting two people. We used to be six and the summer seems to have just sent us in all directions. I am adjusting I think to not having it but I miss it. And I find I'm not writing without the stimulation of writing talks.
Must think about an online group soon.
The change in the way I take my meds at night seems to have done a couple of things. I'm sleeping a lot better. As a result, I'm not having such strong emotional bouts at least. Sleep is the only thing I know that helps with that and the fibro. And I'm not as groggy in the early evening! Duh!! I hope I'll get a routine established this week and then make myself do more in the evenings. I was even having trouble when I went to church at night. Driving back home was just a huge task because I'd be so tired but not able to sleep once I got home and ready for bed.
NaNo is around the bend. Thirty days of madness. I'm looking forward to it this year, hoping it will break this tendency to procrastinate. I usually come out with the bones of a good story that turns into a rotting corpse before the year is out. I'd like to change that. I didn't think I could do it at all last year and I very nearly didn't. But I don't want another NaNo like that one. It was an horrible way to write. And without my NaNo buddies I do not think I could have done it at all.
Dave and family came by last night and we had sandwiches. They came while I was watering plants. Mosquitoes are terrible out and we didn't stay out. I despise those nasty pests. I had Dave take some of the sand from the sand box and cover the wet area where my air is draining. I have to go get some pipe and dig a drainage trench. I'll see if Mike can do that for me this weekend. He's good at stuff like that when I can get him moving.
Well, work calls. Has an ugly voice. Hope everyone has a beautiful day!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Today Is. . .
I didn't know when I got up. I had to look at the computer to tell me the day. This is frequently the case now. I never know what day it is unless I look at a calendar. I don't remember things that I think I should remember. It is all the same, day after day.
I had a stressful call from an attorney on my job yesterday. The guy is a public attorney for the poor. Woman doesn't want to pay rent she owes and he said she shouldn't have to for a list of reason. I don't care personally but I'm under federal regs to do certain things. The guy was virtually yelling at me before I got him of the phone, doing the usual badgering game. It took me hours to calm down. I nearly had an anxiety attack and I don't know why.
David's job is going to end soon. I do not know what they will do if he doesn't find something else right away. I've had all I can take of the up and down and I suspect that is what the frequent anxiety attacks are signaling. I'm having them more frequently and they are lasting longer.
I had a meltdown last night after I'd held on as long as I could. No, I can't fix it without drugs that will prevent me from working. I have to work.
Mike's computer is now fixed and he took it home. I probably won't see him very often. He too has no reliable income. He is selling plasma again but anything can happen to mess that up, a broken vein, sickness, high bp, all kinds of stuff. They don't seem to get that I can't pay everyone's bills.
I'm waiting on an official estimate for the bathroom. I don't know when they will do it but I'd like to just get it done... yesterday. I getting more and more concerned that I'll have to sell the house and leave here. There is really no reason but the job to stay. And a job is the thing I'd need to leave. They are few and far between for everyone.
I'm off to work now. Another long trying day unless something happens to change it.
I had a stressful call from an attorney on my job yesterday. The guy is a public attorney for the poor. Woman doesn't want to pay rent she owes and he said she shouldn't have to for a list of reason. I don't care personally but I'm under federal regs to do certain things. The guy was virtually yelling at me before I got him of the phone, doing the usual badgering game. It took me hours to calm down. I nearly had an anxiety attack and I don't know why.
David's job is going to end soon. I do not know what they will do if he doesn't find something else right away. I've had all I can take of the up and down and I suspect that is what the frequent anxiety attacks are signaling. I'm having them more frequently and they are lasting longer.
I had a meltdown last night after I'd held on as long as I could. No, I can't fix it without drugs that will prevent me from working. I have to work.
Mike's computer is now fixed and he took it home. I probably won't see him very often. He too has no reliable income. He is selling plasma again but anything can happen to mess that up, a broken vein, sickness, high bp, all kinds of stuff. They don't seem to get that I can't pay everyone's bills.
I'm waiting on an official estimate for the bathroom. I don't know when they will do it but I'd like to just get it done... yesterday. I getting more and more concerned that I'll have to sell the house and leave here. There is really no reason but the job to stay. And a job is the thing I'd need to leave. They are few and far between for everyone.
I'm off to work now. Another long trying day unless something happens to change it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday Morning Musing
Amazing but I probably got the best sleep last night that I've had in, well, I can't remember when. I'd have to go and check the blogs. I'm sure I've ranted ad nauseam about it. I don't feel tremendously better but I wasn't so exhausted when I got up.
I was so miserably sore yesterday. And my poor hands! Every time I wash them in warm water the palms feel as if they are scalded. No, I did not burn myself. I just pushed the more for four hours and held the self-propel leaver down with my right hand and the emergency shut off bar with the left. The handle of the mower is metal with no padding. I'm going to see about some kind of padding or some kind of gloves with padded sides against my palms. They are really painful still.
Anyway, why did I sleep well? I've been taking my evening medicines art 6 every evening so I don't forget them. I have an alarm to remind me. This includes my flexiril and melatonin, both help me sleep. The last two nights I have taken those to medicines at 9 rather than six. At six when I take the other things, I simply put them back in the minder and take them at 9. I think it has helped. So, I'll be doing that for a while. The melatonin is supposed to be taken early but I always wake up before the alarm at 6:30 anyway so I don't think it matters much. Although, this morning, I woke up only when the alarm went off and I wasn't as exhausted.
Mike came home last night. I went to lunch with him today. He stayed up all night and is exhausted. He said he didn't get up yesterday until very late and couldn't go to sleep. He will go to bed very early tonight but I don't know if he is going to make it until then. I am supposed to pick him up at 5 and take him to my house. I don't know why. He wants to try and get his computer running. I do too! He won't need to have me run him around after work so much.
I took Sarah to church last night. She is just a pistol, let me tell you. She started talking in the car and didn't stop all night. She has so much to say. On the way home she told me she used to be a brown bird and could fly. I told her that I'd like to see that. She said the next time she was a brown bird I could watch her. She was also once a mountain climber. I have no idea where that came from but I had just told her that when I was 4 I loved to climb trees. LOL, it is true, ask my aunt. I am hoping Sarah won't take that after me.
I will stop for now. I am at work and just came back from lunch. I may be back later tonight. But my plan is to work on catching up on sleep to see if this pain gets better. The pain in my back around that spot come back last night and it was pretty bad for a while. It still hurts today, just not as much. But I've learned anything I push, pull, or lift is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
Toodles for now.
I was so miserably sore yesterday. And my poor hands! Every time I wash them in warm water the palms feel as if they are scalded. No, I did not burn myself. I just pushed the more for four hours and held the self-propel leaver down with my right hand and the emergency shut off bar with the left. The handle of the mower is metal with no padding. I'm going to see about some kind of padding or some kind of gloves with padded sides against my palms. They are really painful still.
Anyway, why did I sleep well? I've been taking my evening medicines art 6 every evening so I don't forget them. I have an alarm to remind me. This includes my flexiril and melatonin, both help me sleep. The last two nights I have taken those to medicines at 9 rather than six. At six when I take the other things, I simply put them back in the minder and take them at 9. I think it has helped. So, I'll be doing that for a while. The melatonin is supposed to be taken early but I always wake up before the alarm at 6:30 anyway so I don't think it matters much. Although, this morning, I woke up only when the alarm went off and I wasn't as exhausted.
Mike came home last night. I went to lunch with him today. He stayed up all night and is exhausted. He said he didn't get up yesterday until very late and couldn't go to sleep. He will go to bed very early tonight but I don't know if he is going to make it until then. I am supposed to pick him up at 5 and take him to my house. I don't know why. He wants to try and get his computer running. I do too! He won't need to have me run him around after work so much.
I took Sarah to church last night. She is just a pistol, let me tell you. She started talking in the car and didn't stop all night. She has so much to say. On the way home she told me she used to be a brown bird and could fly. I told her that I'd like to see that. She said the next time she was a brown bird I could watch her. She was also once a mountain climber. I have no idea where that came from but I had just told her that when I was 4 I loved to climb trees. LOL, it is true, ask my aunt. I am hoping Sarah won't take that after me.
I will stop for now. I am at work and just came back from lunch. I may be back later tonight. But my plan is to work on catching up on sleep to see if this pain gets better. The pain in my back around that spot come back last night and it was pretty bad for a while. It still hurts today, just not as much. But I've learned anything I push, pull, or lift is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
Toodles for now.
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