Saturday Drag

I woke up early, before 6 I suspect. My sleep is always like that. Waking for no reason. But I fought the Puritan ethic and closed my eyes. Umm, no, I got up and changed clothes because I was soaking wet. Then I went to the bathroom and back to bed. Slept until 8:30 at which time I was certain I'd be punished if I slept longer.

This has gotten worse as I get older, this "I have to get up before it's too late" idea. I loved sleeping in. Jerry used to let me whenever possible. If I was off, he caught the phone before it woke me. The ringer was always off by our bed so wouldn't be jarred awake in the middle of the night. I could hear the one down the hall and could pick up. He closed my door so as not to disturb me if someone came. I could sleep till noon. I usually was up by 9 but he'd bring me coffee as soon as he heard me. When Jerry was alive life was more like life. Living was more like living.

Funny. I used to think the term "walking dead" was created for Hollywood movies.

I've change my photo on my page again. You all know I move the furniture frequently. The background is from the Yucatan where I went on my cruise. The banner is a background photo that came with my laptop but is available at Interfacelift. I get a lot of beautiful backgrounds for my computer there and have used some here. I want to be in that place. Mentally if not physically.

Today I pay bills. I usually get straight to it but I don't really want to bother this morning. My statement just appeared in my email. Ugh. Hate reconciliations.

My back was really bad the last few days. I put Valtoren gel on it last night and I think it is better. The arthritis I guess was acting up. I have those lidocaine patches they gave me for that upper back pain but guess what, can't wear them. I knew when I first got them I started noticing that my heart would flutter and it bothered me. I couldn't figure out what would cause it and I was concerned for days. I only wore them a week. But only a week ago or so did I run across something I already knew. Too much Lidocaine will stop your heart. Seriously. I wasn't looking for that bit of information, by the way. That patch was placed over my back, just to the left of my spine. Directly over my heart from the back. Tell me the doctor didn't think of this? Tell me she couldn't possibly have known this to be a problem. I'm highly sensitive to most pain killers anyway. I won't wear it again, although I have about half a dozen. And the flutters stopped after I stopped wearing them.

Sarah just arrived to stay with me while they finish the last of the moving. It is just that usual stray stuff that one has in a move across town and you didn't pack as well as you thought you did. They're very tired but happy with their new place. Please pray for the jobs to keep coming for Dave. He's working temp jobs and they tend to be sporadic. He can't afford that. He needs a steady job to be able to pay his share of the rent.

Well, must go now. Laundry to do, bank statement, kitchen cleanup, bed to make. I think the transmission in my washer is going out. It makes noises now as if it is trying to climb a hill.

Not Looking for the Weekend

I'm home again today. My back is not working well. Probably because I was sitting all day yesterday and today. I'm still in possession of my faculties but I'm an emotional wreck it seems. I have to use great caution to not fall apart and start thinking crazy. Well, crazier than usual. I'm just tired I think.

Frankly, I should have gone to work. But I kept Sarah for Dave and Becca to finish their moving, too. There was no one else to do it and she couldn't have gone with them. She really took care of herself. I just provided the food and got up to pop in the videos. She did the rest. Since I was here anyway it wasn't any trouble. I have been working on my landlord' handbook, doing the updates. I've finished it and when I get to work on Monday I should be able to print it and have it ready to put in packets. This is something I have to do annually and it always takes a back seat to other projects. I created the handbook and so there is no one else to really do it. If I stop, well, that'd be interesting.

Sarah is gone home now. I took her to the new place and went with Dave to take the truck back and he picked up his car and went home too. It is a much nicer place than they were living. They have a nice balcony, too, so they will enjoy sitting that. There's a pool, too. Dave is a bit annoyed because he can't grill on the balcony but it is a covered balcony and they don't allow it. He didn't know it when they rented the apartment. But I think he'll be all right with it. I told him he could take my portable grill and use it to grill in the back. He loves to grill out.

He's a bit like me. Doesn't like to leave home for much and not crazy about lots of company. Takes it in small doses. I get over stimulated and just feel exhausted afterward and I think he does, too.

I don't know about the weekend. I'm not actually looking forward to it at all. I feel like I'm in the wrong place, that I made a wrong turn or got up in a strange house. I know that makes no sense. So you know what I'm talking about. That's how I feel. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop, the axe to fall, or some such cliche. I'm sure there are more.

I'm going now. I think I'll look at another Twin Peaks episode. I'm going to miss it when I run out of them. It was such an odd show. A bit serious about some things and tongue in cheek about others.  Or maybe I'll write. I'm not ecstatic about what I've done so far. Probably just me.

 

 

Late Thursday Afternoon

I've just laid around all day. I'm really tired. I had to take Dave to get the U-Haul truck so they could move. I'm with Sarah while they work on packing the truck. I'm so tired. Sarah was but she hasn't taken a nap. We've got Berenstain Bears on and we already watched Care Bears. She's playing with the doll house and watching the videos.

She's such a good child. No trouble at all the care for. She never plunders or gets into stuff. She never messes with anything in the house. Of course I don't keep dangerous stuff lying around but even the breakables on the tables she never touches. I probably could lie here and sleep if I wanted. But I can't sleep.

My head is still not right. I've been writing off and on. I figure if I can get that out of this mess, then that's the up side. Might as well use the imagination for something besides torment. I'm a bit worried about it really. It was a very bad attack and I have no defense. I'm very anti-medication for these things because there is no going back. They treat the symptom and not the cause. The cause isn't going away soon, I don't think.

I think I'll lie down now and watch the bears. Sarah has been flitting around between the doll house and video. Maybe I can get her to lie down with me.

Descent

Came home from work and had a panic attack yesterday. Lasted until the wee hours of the morning. Becca came and stayed the night with me. I do not know if I'm better. I'm not having irrational thoughts, fears, and reactions at the moment. I'm exhausted. I remember 3:30 a.m. and that is the last thing I remember. I woke at 5:45 a.m. and again when the clock went off at 6:30.

I'm astounded at what sent me over the edge. A castor bean plant. Really. Did I tell you I had planted one in the back yard to ward off the moles. They left. Now I've seen these things in gardens and lawns for years. In the back of my mind I knew they were poison. Castor oil comes from the plant. The beans are deadly. I forgot it is ricin, the deadliest poison known to man. Someone reminded me and asked me, Did I know the whole plant is deadly? My mind, stressed beyond normal limits from the last several weeks, simply went haywire. I felt it happen. Had I known that? I don' think so. What if Sarah got into it? What if someone else did? Did I touch it? Yes. Could that poison someone? And the spiral went off the chart.

It is with difficulty I even relate this. I'm a fairly rational person. But I have a very vivid and active imagination that sometimes I can't control. Once started the panic attack doesn't stop because someone says calm down. Thinking becomes absolutely irrational and every fear you ever had is sucked into the spiral and you relive them... repeatedly. You look for terrors where there had been none. They play one by one through a brain overloaded with stress hormones. You can't stop the slide show in your brain and you can't stop the emotional responses to it. You are literally losing your grip on reality. You're going insane.

This is one of the most hellacious conditions imaginable. It is why people kill themselves. It is as real as the clothes on your back, the air you breath. And it is all, every second, in your head. And you know it. And you can't stop it.

So, today, I'm home. I'm out of sick time more or less. I called in at 8 and told them I was sick. A little while ago I called my boss and just told him that I had planned to come in and what had happened. I told him I would come in tomorrow but today I simply was not able to deal with things. He said that was fine. I have a good boss in that respect.

I have no energy left this morning. I am hoping this was a single episode. I had panic attacks several years ago, probably about five years ago. They lasted for several months and got worse and worse. A man in our church prayed for me one night during one of the attacks and they left and I've never had one since.

Your prayers would be appreciated today.

Junk Mail

My dad sent me an email with the following advice. It is excellent advice, most of which I already follow. I do not get very much junk mail... I don't do mass forwards to my friends and so don't end up on lists. I also send junk mail back to the sender in their own envelopes. I'm no longer getting invitations to credit card companies, although I have a high credit rating!

Here is the info for your consumption. I didn't forward it! I posted it on my blog. Aren't blogs wonderful?

JUNK MAIL

The man that sent this information is a computer tech. He spends a lot of time clearing the junk off computers for people and listens to complaints about speed. All forwards are not bad, just some. Be sure you read the very last paragraph.

_________________________________________

He wrote:

By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and/or truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites.

Advice from snopes.com VERY IMPORTANT!!

1) Any time you see an email that says "forward this on to '10' (or however many) of your friends", "sign this petition", or "you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or "you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or whatever --- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other Spammers. Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus --- that is email tracking, and they are playing on our conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses - just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease "how would you feel if that was your child" --- email tracking. Ignore them and don't participate!

2) Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of email is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and Spammers -- to validate active email accounts for their own profitable purposes.

You can do your Friends and Family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them. You will be providing a service to your friends. And you will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam emails in the future!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listing regardless how inviting they might sound! Or make you feel guilty if you don't! It's all about getting email addresses and nothing more.

You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT!

Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very possibly a virus attached! Plus, we are helping the Spammers get rich! Let's not make it easy for them!

ALSO: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress of any other organization - I.e. Social security, etc. To be acceptable, petitions must have a "signed signature" and full address of the person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and you are just helping the email trackers.

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting..

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS