I am working today and then I am off until Monday. This two day work week is really nice! I've had a sort of mini vacation for the last two weeks. I'm going to have to plan next year, if the Lord is willing, around the May and June holidays. Had I been able to take my vacation the last week of May I'd have had fewer days counted on my vacation time! But I didn't plan for that vacation and it cost me very little so I'm grateful for it. I needed to get away.
I'm out of St. John's Wort for the last three days. I'll get to the store soon but I think I'm going to try and cut back to one a day. I've been taking two a day for a year now and at some point I have to start reducing it. I'm not going to live my life being controlled by this. I've done it before and I can do it again. Just don't know how hard it will be this time. I can't shut off my mind.
I was reminded yesterday morning of a place in the Bible where it calls satan an accuser of the brethen. I always have difficult time early in the mornings and in the evenings, when I am home. I am waking up at 6 every morning and since I apparently can't change it, I have been reading my Bible a bit, reading Streams in the Desert - a devotional I have, and praying. You must understand that praying is very very hard, almost impossible. Not that I don't believe in prayer, but because the overwhelming state of my mind can't go beyond a certain point before I just lose sight of everything but a prayer for help through this mess.
Anyway while sitting on the sofa saying a prayer, I had this . . . vision. . . . or if you prefer, impression of someone sitting across from me smiling and pointing out all these things to me, things I already know and struggle with. No, I am not crazy. I am not seeing "things". Not actually seeing them, just in my imagination. I don't need a shrink. And yes, I do know how to handle those things. My grandmother taught me that a long time ago. I did what she taught me to do, what I've always done. I prayed against it. I prayed over my house and property. And yes, "it" left. The accusations stopped in moments. You call it what you will. Power of positive thinking, positive affirmation, self-hypnosis, all that bunk. I don't care what other people call it. I know what I call it. And I had a respite from it all. My house was clear and while I'm still in this horrible fog that won't let me think, at least I was able to not think about things that were painful.
There was a writer's meeting of sort last night. Three of us, Sarah, Cassie, and me. Katie and Kathy had prior commitments but we don't know where Doug is. We have not heard in over a week from him. His job is so hectic and he works long hours so it isn't unusual for him to be invisible for a long time but we missed him at the meeting. He usually lets us know he's out there. Have to email him today just to check on him.
I'm going to work. Only 8 hours and I am off for the weekend. That will be so nice if I can get some things accomplished. I've really had this cloudy thinking for two weeks now, worse than usual, and I'm not getting anywhere. Last night I started working on Mist again. I think I'll go back to it and leave Simon alone for now. I want to finish Mist. Maybe finishing one story will be a positive influence. And Mist is nearly finished. I'm on the last leg of the first draft. I don't know where Alice had gotten to but I'm sending her an email.
Most of you may have seen my sister's blog this morning. They are having a difficult time right now. If you pray please keep them in your prayers. It is the only way I know of to help.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
The End of the Holiday
Today was a day of endings. My holiday has ended. Everyone has gone home. My aunt and Uncle left after the Memorial Day ceremony at the cemetery. I was very sad to see them go. It is so hard now to see family leave. Dave, Becca and Sarah stayed and David grilled out for us. They just left with Mike a few minutes ago.
Becca brought her mom over and she ate with us and Mike came over. It was a nice, although hot afternoon. We moved my small patio table from the front patio under the tulip tree way in the back yard. You have all seen photos of that tree. David cooked under it. The breeze was wonderful and we were quite comfortable beneath the shade. I'm definitely going to put a small patio under that tree. It is a perfect place to relax and have a cookout.
While we were eating my sister came over. We invited her to come eat but she didn't even come out to say hello. She got on the computer and stayed inside and then she left.
Now, all the mess is cleaned up and everyone is gone. I'm alone. I suppose that is ultimately where we all end up, isn't it. I'm going to get a hot shower. My back, around my shoulder blade, feels as if a knife is stabbing me. And I have a sore neck, as usual. A hot shower, my medicine and a nice book or maybe writing something if I can summon the muse to write sounds good. I might be able to sleep in a little while. I'm thankful that I took tomorrow off and only have two days to work this week!
Becca brought her mom over and she ate with us and Mike came over. It was a nice, although hot afternoon. We moved my small patio table from the front patio under the tulip tree way in the back yard. You have all seen photos of that tree. David cooked under it. The breeze was wonderful and we were quite comfortable beneath the shade. I'm definitely going to put a small patio under that tree. It is a perfect place to relax and have a cookout.
While we were eating my sister came over. We invited her to come eat but she didn't even come out to say hello. She got on the computer and stayed inside and then she left.
Now, all the mess is cleaned up and everyone is gone. I'm alone. I suppose that is ultimately where we all end up, isn't it. I'm going to get a hot shower. My back, around my shoulder blade, feels as if a knife is stabbing me. And I have a sore neck, as usual. A hot shower, my medicine and a nice book or maybe writing something if I can summon the muse to write sounds good. I might be able to sleep in a little while. I'm thankful that I took tomorrow off and only have two days to work this week!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Longer the Day
..... grows the more painful I get. Everything hurts and I have a migraine. I've been having a cramp in my foot, pain in my neck and shoulders, pain in my lower back, and arms. My hands feel as if they were crushed and reassembled. I do not think a flower or two is worth all that.
Yes, a parking lot sounds just fine.
I have to go get ready for church. Tomorrow we are going to the Veterans Memorial service at the cemetery. We did this last year and it was rainy so they had to do it in the mausoleum. It is supposed to rain tomorrow too. I was so hoping it would be outside in the Veterans section. They have a beautiful plaza there for it.
I'm not feeling well at all so I'm going to stop now. I hope everyone has had a nice weekend. And if you are a US citizen, please, leave flowers on a veterans grave somewhere, even if you do not know them. Find one that has no flowers tomorrow and honor a forgotten hero.
Yes, a parking lot sounds just fine.
I have to go get ready for church. Tomorrow we are going to the Veterans Memorial service at the cemetery. We did this last year and it was rainy so they had to do it in the mausoleum. It is supposed to rain tomorrow too. I was so hoping it would be outside in the Veterans section. They have a beautiful plaza there for it.
I'm not feeling well at all so I'm going to stop now. I hope everyone has had a nice weekend. And if you are a US citizen, please, leave flowers on a veterans grave somewhere, even if you do not know them. Find one that has no flowers tomorrow and honor a forgotten hero.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Cleaning House
Just cleaned out about half dozen contact from Multiply. All were people I've not heard from or seen in over six months. Some I know just have disappeared because of things going on but there is no sense in having this inflated list of people I never hear from for whatever reason.
I'm going to be doing the same on Face Book. Someone told me that in a job interview recently they were asked if they had anything embarrassing on Face Book. So, guess what? My Face Book may be going bye-bye. And all my blogs may be going to just contacts only. I've discovered that I can actually select individuals I want to see the blogs and those I don't on both sites. So, since I'd just as soon not have some of the junk that is appearing on my wall there, I'm either going dark or limiting access to select individuals.
Was anyone aware that your employer would want to look you up? I sort of knew but didn't really think about it until now. So, I'm reviewing what's on the my wall and the drama is going. Don't need it.
I'm going to be doing the same on Face Book. Someone told me that in a job interview recently they were asked if they had anything embarrassing on Face Book. So, guess what? My Face Book may be going bye-bye. And all my blogs may be going to just contacts only. I've discovered that I can actually select individuals I want to see the blogs and those I don't on both sites. So, since I'd just as soon not have some of the junk that is appearing on my wall there, I'm either going dark or limiting access to select individuals.
Was anyone aware that your employer would want to look you up? I sort of knew but didn't really think about it until now. So, I'm reviewing what's on the my wall and the drama is going. Don't need it.
On a Sunday
I'm about to head out to church. I'm a bit sore this morning in my hands from using the lawn mower. It has a self-propelled handle that had to be held down and it always caused extreme pain in my hand when I use it and for days afterward. Mike did do most of the work there. In fact, he helped me all afternoon. We have four or five bags of grass and he said the lawn looked nice.
The fountain is lovely. I have to find a spot for it now. I had originally intended to put a bird bath where the old one was and could put this there but it is wayyyyyy on in the middle of the yard and would require running an electrical cord across the yard. So, the idea is to make a small area nearer the house, lay some paving stones, sit the fountain on those. I could plant some things around it then. I almost bought a yellow hibiscus yesterday to put out where the old birdbath sat but didn't. I may go back and get it this afternoon. I know absolutely nothing about plants.
Mike is ready to go so I need to head out. Once again I was told Dave, Becca and Sarah would be going to church. I didn't believe it but I keep hoping. They aren't answering the phone. I knew last night they wouldn't do it. They were already planning on what they had to do when they got home and it was midnight when they left. I do not know anymore what to do but obviously it won't matter. Sadly, it is Sarah who will pay the price in this. She is being taught faithfulness and obedience is unimportant. That one can follow one's own philosophy and everything is fine.
See, I believe this thing I practice. I believe it and have seen the blessings of faithfulness and obedience over and over and over. I've seen the destitution of faithlessness and disobedience as well. Whether life is fair or not doesn't matter. I believe in God's Word and the instructions I've been given in that. When we put ourselves first over faithfulness, when obedience becomes "if I feel like it", we lose far more than we can imagine. And our children are the ones who suffer the greatest loss.
The Bible tells about the generation after children of Israel who came out of Egypt. They all became rather wicked and left the ways they had been taught to live. They were not faithful to God. The Bible says the reason this happened is the parents stopped teaching them and stopped following the teachings themselves. It says the children "forgot" the things their parents knew and experienced. How does one forget a cloud by day and pillar of fire by night? How does one forget the opening of a sea with dry land on the bottom?
At two years old, I watched Michael stand in the middle of a room at a church banquet of about 250 people and "preach" for 15 minutes about baptism. He knew the scripture by heart at two and could barely quote it. When we went to church, he always worshiped. And for years I had ministers at fellowships who had visited our church approach me and say they remembered seeing him do this. There are still people in that remember that banquet and talk about it. Mike is one of the most faithful people I know. He doesn't always do the right thing, but he tries and is more faithful at times than I.
Paul I believe said that the greatest comfort was to know his children walked in truth. He was talking about God's truth, not their own.
The fountain is lovely. I have to find a spot for it now. I had originally intended to put a bird bath where the old one was and could put this there but it is wayyyyyy on in the middle of the yard and would require running an electrical cord across the yard. So, the idea is to make a small area nearer the house, lay some paving stones, sit the fountain on those. I could plant some things around it then. I almost bought a yellow hibiscus yesterday to put out where the old birdbath sat but didn't. I may go back and get it this afternoon. I know absolutely nothing about plants.
Mike is ready to go so I need to head out. Once again I was told Dave, Becca and Sarah would be going to church. I didn't believe it but I keep hoping. They aren't answering the phone. I knew last night they wouldn't do it. They were already planning on what they had to do when they got home and it was midnight when they left. I do not know anymore what to do but obviously it won't matter. Sadly, it is Sarah who will pay the price in this. She is being taught faithfulness and obedience is unimportant. That one can follow one's own philosophy and everything is fine.
See, I believe this thing I practice. I believe it and have seen the blessings of faithfulness and obedience over and over and over. I've seen the destitution of faithlessness and disobedience as well. Whether life is fair or not doesn't matter. I believe in God's Word and the instructions I've been given in that. When we put ourselves first over faithfulness, when obedience becomes "if I feel like it", we lose far more than we can imagine. And our children are the ones who suffer the greatest loss.
The Bible tells about the generation after children of Israel who came out of Egypt. They all became rather wicked and left the ways they had been taught to live. They were not faithful to God. The Bible says the reason this happened is the parents stopped teaching them and stopped following the teachings themselves. It says the children "forgot" the things their parents knew and experienced. How does one forget a cloud by day and pillar of fire by night? How does one forget the opening of a sea with dry land on the bottom?
At two years old, I watched Michael stand in the middle of a room at a church banquet of about 250 people and "preach" for 15 minutes about baptism. He knew the scripture by heart at two and could barely quote it. When we went to church, he always worshiped. And for years I had ministers at fellowships who had visited our church approach me and say they remembered seeing him do this. There are still people in that remember that banquet and talk about it. Mike is one of the most faithful people I know. He doesn't always do the right thing, but he tries and is more faithful at times than I.
Paul I believe said that the greatest comfort was to know his children walked in truth. He was talking about God's truth, not their own.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
It's Only Money
I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on a fountain for my back yard. It is a two tier cast iron fountain. I have no idea how I'll put it up yet or exactly where. But I'm really quite pleased with it. Here is the photo of it from the garden center's website. I'm quite pleased with it. It stands taller than Sarah and can't wait to see it going when she is here.I was going to get a bird bath but when I saw all the fountains going at Lowe's I couldn't help it. I wanted one. They had one I could have bathed in and if I ever have the money I'll be buying it! It was huge and since I have this huge back yard I could have a large one but it means doing some serious landscaping and I'm not up for that yet.
I've decided to try and get all the non-essential debt paid by the fall and take out a loan to get the siding on the house replaced and repaired and gutters up. I don't know what that will cost but I it is doable I believe. I'd like to do the yard up nice next.
I'm waiting for the sun to go over just a but before cutting the yard. The plan was for the kids to all come over and we'd cook out and get the yard done and just have a nice day together. It is gone 1 p.m. and no one showed up. So, I went to Sam's Club and bought rotisserie chicken. I'm making a sweet pea salad too. When that is done, I'm going to get my book and sit on the patio and eat alone. Then, by around 3 I can cut the yard. I can do it without help.
For those of you who've never heard of sweet pea salad you don't know what you're missing.
1 can of sweet peas (those little round green peas - may be called something else in other locals. LeSuer, Delmonte, just about everyone carries them.
1 or two boiled eggs - chopped up finely (I do one egg for each can of peas)
1-2 tablespoons sweet relish per can depending on how much you like the tartness.
2-3 tablespoons of Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip -again depending on how much of the dressing you want. Don't put too much!
Mix it all up in a bowl and eat freshly made or chill it. Great either way in the summer time. We eat it all year long. My family devours this stuff. It was my grandmother's recipe. I've never seen anyone turn their nose up at it.
I've started or rather picked back up a puzzle I stared last year after I finished the train puzzle. It will be another glow in the dark of a lovely village street with a street car and people and gaslights. I'll be posting photos again I think. I put it aside last year when I moved furniture but last night I brought it to the den and put it out on my table. I sat here with my wireless connection playing television shows and putting the puzzle together. I believe it was the most relaxing evening I've spent in a long time.
I took flowers to the cemetery today. I really have a very hard time going there. And the grave looks so bad. Grass is still not growing well. I notice that several are like this. And the clover is everywhere. I suspect as a city cemetery it isn't landscaped very well. But it would be nice to think that the veterans cemetery was given more care. I'm thinking of buying a bag of grass seeds and strewing them. I suppose they'd probably not grow that way but maybe some would. I may wait until the next rain and do it while it is raining. They'd get a good soaking and the ground would be soft. Right now it is very hard. Still, it is a lovely cemetery and I am glad he's there.
I'm going out now. I've fixed and finished my lunch. I don't know for sure if they kids are coming over. I remember the times in the last months his life when Jerry begged them to bring Sarah over and they didn't. Will I ever get images out of my mind? I don't think so. I should haves never end.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Work on Wednesday
I'm on my way to work and the day is as gray as it gets. It is 56 degrees out and I want to know who stole the spring?
I have accomplished so much at work this week that I am astounded but I've gone in and closed out every thought and just processed like a machine. Maybe that is why I've been exhausted every night. This morning, I'm so tired and just want to lie down and sleep some more. I woke up again in the middle of the night. I don't know why I'm doing that and it is disconcerting. I keep feeling like someone is watching me when I wake up. Don't like it at all. I usually have to will myself to turn over and go back to sleep and I do fall asleep. Just would rather NOT be woken up. And I've been waking up an hour earlier - 6 a.m.!
Tonight is writer's meeting and I'm so looking forward to it. I haven't seen the group in over a month and need a bit of insanity to put me on track I think.
I hate I'm not writing. It is as if everything dried up and I have no idea why. I've done a little but precious little. Maybe it is time to go back to an old work and get it going again to get me in a mental place to actually write.
I've stopped getting breakfast on the way to work and eating it at work. I will save a few dollars and am not having to rush so much. Although, I'm waking up an hour earlier too on top of not sleeping well and so it makes sense to just fix breakfast. I'm not a big breakfast eater but since I'm skipping a formal supper at night I figure I have to eat something. You'd think I'd lose pounds the way meals are not but I'm not.
Ok, time to dash out the door. I had more to say but I want to beat the rush hour and have time to get into work mode.
I only need four million dollars to retire.
I have accomplished so much at work this week that I am astounded but I've gone in and closed out every thought and just processed like a machine. Maybe that is why I've been exhausted every night. This morning, I'm so tired and just want to lie down and sleep some more. I woke up again in the middle of the night. I don't know why I'm doing that and it is disconcerting. I keep feeling like someone is watching me when I wake up. Don't like it at all. I usually have to will myself to turn over and go back to sleep and I do fall asleep. Just would rather NOT be woken up. And I've been waking up an hour earlier - 6 a.m.!
Tonight is writer's meeting and I'm so looking forward to it. I haven't seen the group in over a month and need a bit of insanity to put me on track I think.
I hate I'm not writing. It is as if everything dried up and I have no idea why. I've done a little but precious little. Maybe it is time to go back to an old work and get it going again to get me in a mental place to actually write.
I've stopped getting breakfast on the way to work and eating it at work. I will save a few dollars and am not having to rush so much. Although, I'm waking up an hour earlier too on top of not sleeping well and so it makes sense to just fix breakfast. I'm not a big breakfast eater but since I'm skipping a formal supper at night I figure I have to eat something. You'd think I'd lose pounds the way meals are not but I'm not.
Ok, time to dash out the door. I had more to say but I want to beat the rush hour and have time to get into work mode.
I only need four million dollars to retire.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Mid-Day Update
I've been at workthree hours and I've actually got a lot accomplished. I think I have just reached a place I have to keep moving so I don't lie down and die. That's the way it feels. I want to lie down. The day itself is heavily overcast. It hasn't rained but it is just a cotton batting day. That doesn't help my mood at all.
I was thinking on the way to work I need to clean out cabinets and get rid of a lot of stuff. I have tons of dishes that I no longer need. No big family to feed. No tons of friends. No house filled at the holidays. Just me. I don't need it and I think it is time to go. I also am going to get rid of a lot of furniture. It is just in the way and I have to clean it. Maybe it is crazy but I have this real need to throw everything out. Bit crazy I suppose.
I'm getting rid of the china cabinet and two book shelves. I still have two more book shelves so it isn't a big issues... except the books are a problem. I was thinking of getting rid of all the books in my book shelves and Becca said she would like to have the shelves. I told her she could. One of them is a really nice bookcase with sliding glass doors. The back leg was broken off when I got it used. But it is Ethan Allen and really nice. I have a block I put under it and it has worked fine. No one can see it anyway. Since they will be moving in a couple of months, she can get them then.
Lots of dishes, enough for a family of four. I never cook and so I have some old pots and pans to get rid of as well. I don't know when was the last time I went into the pantry for a pan. I use what is on top of the stove if I need a pot. I'm going to clean out closets and toss a lot of clothes I don't wear either.
I don't want other people pawing thorough my things, I think, when I die. I have some specifics I want to go to certain people but I don't really want all this stuff left behind. It is hell finding things of Jerry's that he kept for some unknown reason and wondering if I need to keep it. That is not happening so much now but still, once in awhile I find something and I spend days trying to decide what to do about it, agonizing over the last thing he touched, wrote, wore. Wondering if it was important. I threw out tons of stuff last year that I knew were not important. Earlier this year I did it again.. things he kept because he was clinging to life itself and by hanging on to a receipt in case he needed to return an item.... well, surely he'd live to return it if he needed to.
I'm not leaving stuff behind to sort out, agonize over, wonder about.
I was thinking on the way to work I need to clean out cabinets and get rid of a lot of stuff. I have tons of dishes that I no longer need. No big family to feed. No tons of friends. No house filled at the holidays. Just me. I don't need it and I think it is time to go. I also am going to get rid of a lot of furniture. It is just in the way and I have to clean it. Maybe it is crazy but I have this real need to throw everything out. Bit crazy I suppose.
I'm getting rid of the china cabinet and two book shelves. I still have two more book shelves so it isn't a big issues... except the books are a problem. I was thinking of getting rid of all the books in my book shelves and Becca said she would like to have the shelves. I told her she could. One of them is a really nice bookcase with sliding glass doors. The back leg was broken off when I got it used. But it is Ethan Allen and really nice. I have a block I put under it and it has worked fine. No one can see it anyway. Since they will be moving in a couple of months, she can get them then.
Lots of dishes, enough for a family of four. I never cook and so I have some old pots and pans to get rid of as well. I don't know when was the last time I went into the pantry for a pan. I use what is on top of the stove if I need a pot. I'm going to clean out closets and toss a lot of clothes I don't wear either.
I don't want other people pawing thorough my things, I think, when I die. I have some specifics I want to go to certain people but I don't really want all this stuff left behind. It is hell finding things of Jerry's that he kept for some unknown reason and wondering if I need to keep it. That is not happening so much now but still, once in awhile I find something and I spend days trying to decide what to do about it, agonizing over the last thing he touched, wrote, wore. Wondering if it was important. I threw out tons of stuff last year that I knew were not important. Earlier this year I did it again.. things he kept because he was clinging to life itself and by hanging on to a receipt in case he needed to return an item.... well, surely he'd live to return it if he needed to.
I'm not leaving stuff behind to sort out, agonize over, wonder about.
In a Fog
I don't know why but I really don't like it. I don't know if it is a fibro fog or not. I haven't had much pain but I'm not sleeping well so anything is possible. Either way, don't expect much until the weather clears... my weather.
I don't actually know what's wrong.. life in general I guess. If you ask me, I'd have to say everything is fine. But deep down it isn't. So there. Off to work.
I'll be back when I can. I have a writer's meeting tomorrow night so maybe that will wake me up.
I don't actually know what's wrong.. life in general I guess. If you ask me, I'd have to say everything is fine. But deep down it isn't. So there. Off to work.
I'll be back when I can. I have a writer's meeting tomorrow night so maybe that will wake me up.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sunday Rambles
Mike went to church with me this morning. Afterward we went to Mandarin Garden for lunch. We both like Chinese and it wasn't very expensive as Sunday dinners go. Less that $25 for the buffet for both of us and that included our drinks and the tip. Although I really have a problem with tips since you basically wait on yourself except for your drinks. But at this place on Saturday and Sunday children under 7 eat free, too. So, altogether a good deal for a family.
On the way back we were talking about something, don't remember what but I told him that he had made life interesting. He looked at me and said, "Not on purpose." I could only laugh. He has these flashes of intuitive humor on occasion and I'm always surprised. I said, "No, I didn't think you did it on purpose but you did make it interesting." And he did, I guess, in a painful sort of way.
They were both interesting and fun to be with when they were growing up. Jerry and I both truly enjoyed our children. One never knew what was going to happen. I'm terribly saddened that I don't have his memories. They did things with him that I don't know about. And they don't seem to remember them... most kids don't. All of it lost.
Write down your memories now, while you have them. You children, grandchildren will have such a wonderful treasure in them. My family always told me things about myself growing up that I didn't know about, didn't remember because childhood is a blur of activity. Only the most profound things get remembered and they are often not the most amusing. Leave them good memories.
On the way back we were talking about something, don't remember what but I told him that he had made life interesting. He looked at me and said, "Not on purpose." I could only laugh. He has these flashes of intuitive humor on occasion and I'm always surprised. I said, "No, I didn't think you did it on purpose but you did make it interesting." And he did, I guess, in a painful sort of way.
They were both interesting and fun to be with when they were growing up. Jerry and I both truly enjoyed our children. One never knew what was going to happen. I'm terribly saddened that I don't have his memories. They did things with him that I don't know about. And they don't seem to remember them... most kids don't. All of it lost.
Write down your memories now, while you have them. You children, grandchildren will have such a wonderful treasure in them. My family always told me things about myself growing up that I didn't know about, didn't remember because childhood is a blur of activity. Only the most profound things get remembered and they are often not the most amusing. Leave them good memories.
Friday, May 14, 2010
What a Difference A Vacation Makes
Two weeks away from one's work gives one an amazingly clear perspective of exactly how much work just sucks the life out of us. I spent time doing some things I enjoyed. I spent time doing some things that weren't my cup of tea. I spent some time sick. I spent some time just sitting in a chair, doing nothing. As a result of all this time spent, I realized that the structured environment of an office dealing with other people's problems is just not something I even care about. I have no desire to do it.
Life, despite all the rumors, is hard and often not fun. If one looks backward, against all advice, one will find that moments of happiness are islands in a sea of misery of one sort or another. There are those who would have us believe that this state of affairs builds character, strength, appreciation for beauty. I'm not buying it. It hasn't done much for me. But two weeks of watching white clouds drift across a blue sky lifted my spirits much more effectively than watching someone die. Five hours of sitting in an unstable canoe, drifting on the current, listening to the sound of nothing but birds while paddling in the rain did more for my character than five hours in this office listening to the whine of ungrateful, insensitive, lazy people.
No, work doesn't improve our character or the quality of life. It does improve our greed, competition with our fellow earthlings, breeds contempt and erodes good manners. We weren't designed for it actually. Two naked people in a garden, lying by a lake, eating fruit all day and playing tag clearly indicates we were meant for a life of leisure. While I'm not quite ready for the nudist camp, I am willing to forget structured work.
Unfortunately, once ensnared in this web, it is virtually impossible to escape. We've become dependent on work. We've bought the idea that it is required to survive and that quality of life can be purchased. We simply must have all the bells and whistles and fancy homes and clothes. We must, must, must be able to show to the outside world that we are successful, prosperous, and cultured. This requires vast quantities of money which can only be obtained by honest work, illegal activity, or winning the lottery. Since I have a moral and ethical code that prohibits illegal activity and gambling... aside from that involved in crossing the street or getting out of the shower, employment is the only alternative.
Those islands have gotten farther and farther apart. And once you've met death you realize you live with him pretty much all the time. He simply stands and waits his turn. So, the crowning moment of all this is that in all probability, if I ever reach a time that I no longer have to work, I'll die before I get to enjoy retirement. I once said he was no gentleman. It is true but he is patient.
Life, despite all the rumors, is hard and often not fun. If one looks backward, against all advice, one will find that moments of happiness are islands in a sea of misery of one sort or another. There are those who would have us believe that this state of affairs builds character, strength, appreciation for beauty. I'm not buying it. It hasn't done much for me. But two weeks of watching white clouds drift across a blue sky lifted my spirits much more effectively than watching someone die. Five hours of sitting in an unstable canoe, drifting on the current, listening to the sound of nothing but birds while paddling in the rain did more for my character than five hours in this office listening to the whine of ungrateful, insensitive, lazy people.
No, work doesn't improve our character or the quality of life. It does improve our greed, competition with our fellow earthlings, breeds contempt and erodes good manners. We weren't designed for it actually. Two naked people in a garden, lying by a lake, eating fruit all day and playing tag clearly indicates we were meant for a life of leisure. While I'm not quite ready for the nudist camp, I am willing to forget structured work.
Unfortunately, once ensnared in this web, it is virtually impossible to escape. We've become dependent on work. We've bought the idea that it is required to survive and that quality of life can be purchased. We simply must have all the bells and whistles and fancy homes and clothes. We must, must, must be able to show to the outside world that we are successful, prosperous, and cultured. This requires vast quantities of money which can only be obtained by honest work, illegal activity, or winning the lottery. Since I have a moral and ethical code that prohibits illegal activity and gambling... aside from that involved in crossing the street or getting out of the shower, employment is the only alternative.
Those islands have gotten farther and farther apart. And once you've met death you realize you live with him pretty much all the time. He simply stands and waits his turn. So, the crowning moment of all this is that in all probability, if I ever reach a time that I no longer have to work, I'll die before I get to enjoy retirement. I once said he was no gentleman. It is true but he is patient.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Daddy's Dogs
My daddy raised bluetic hounds when I was about 12 years old. I don't know if 50% of you will even know what that is. I' found a photo on Wiki. And here is a good link that describes the animal.
Actually, Mama raised the dogs. He had three of them. I remember her getting up in the middle of the night and bottle feeding those puppies for him. She grumbled that they were his dogs but she had to do the work! Well, he did work most days and on the weekend, well raising those pups would have cut drastically into his drinking time. So, she raised them and turned them over to him.
The blue tic is not a pretty dog per se. Although, I've seen some beautiful ones.
I don't think he actually hunted that much either, not enough to pay for what it cost to keep those dogs. He was like those guys who go out and build this old car from their youth and sit it in the garage and drive it only on special occasions. He'd take a walk in the woods and the dogs would go with him. He always came back with how well they worked but I don't remember seeing a tremendous amount of deer meat. But then, deer season was only once a year for a period of weeks.
I remember when the dogs died. It was terrible to watch. They caught some kind of disease and lay on the ground on their sides baying and their legs running. I remember asking Daddy what was wrong with them and he said "He's taking his last run." He had to put them down but it was the hardest thing I think he'd ever done.
It was the only time I remember seeing him cry. Until, years later when Mama died.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
This or That?
Discovered last night that the new videos I uploaded will play! In Internet Explorer, if you double click on the middle of the video they will open in another page in Quicktime and play just fine. In Firefox they want to upload in Windows Media player. So they do play, just not in the Multiply player. Use Internet Explorer. The Firefox takes too long. IE is fairly instantaneous.
However, the ones I loaded a couple of weeks ago that wouldn't play on Multiply....NOW will play in their player! Come on Multiply!Get it right! It was not broken before you "fixed" it.
However, the ones I loaded a couple of weeks ago that wouldn't play on Multiply....NOW will play in their player! Come on Multiply!Get it right! It was not broken before you "fixed" it.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Video Blues
Just posted my canoe videos. Don't even try to watch them until tomorrow. I don't know why it takes about 24 hours after I upload them to be able to watch them on their viewer without downloading them but it does.
I'm on my way to bed but hope once they work, you enjoy a short canoe ride. Less than an hour of footage, just a taste of the 5 hours I enjoyed.
Also, there is a special video where a special contact shows up.
Until next time... same bat.... oh, sorry, wrong show. G'nite!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Blue Skies and Sunshine
In abundance all day. I have been on the back patio since before noon. It has been balmy all day, perfect weather. I've written some on my story about Simon, read briefly, sunbathed off and on, listened to the birds, and watch movies on the laptop. I can smell the tulip tree blooms. It is loaded with them. They have a spicy smell, not sweet. My wind chimes have been tinkling all afternoon, too. The air has turned cooler. Currently, at nearly 7 p.m. it is 72 degrees with a light breeze.
This is one of those days you wish for many things but you wish most of all that it wouldn't end.I can sit here and pretend that life is normal for hours at a time. Now, I have to go in and find it isn't really. Survival, it is just survival.
This is one of those days you wish for many things but you wish most of all that it wouldn't end.I can sit here and pretend that life is normal for hours at a time. Now, I have to go in and find it isn't really. Survival, it is just survival.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Time Killer
SIX NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Cindy
2. Cynthia
3.Mom
4. Mawmaw
5.Dixie
6. Bitch (close personal friends only...)
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. sleeveless cotton knit top
2. leggings
2. leggings
3.glasses
THREE THINGS YOU WANT VERY BADLY AT THE MOMENT
1. to write Simon's story
2. not to feel this constant hollow feeling
3. Jerry to come home
THREE PEOPLE YOU HOPE WILL DO THE MEME
1. Roselyn
2. Jilly
3. Cass
THREE THINGS YOU DID LAST NIGHT
1. had burgers with my kids
2.rocked and kissed Sarah while she slept.
3. watched two television show
THREE PEOPLE YOU LAST TALKED TO ON THE PHONE
1. Mike - son
2.My aunt
3. Becca - daughter-in-law
THREE THINGS YOU ARE GOING TO DO TOMORROW
1. go to work
2. work on packing
3. get Mike to the audiologist
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINKS
1. diet coke
2. iced tea
3. Hot cocoa
THREE THINGS THAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY
1. The little blond girl in church who is Sarah's age showing me her small red Gideon bible. "It has the all the Word in it."
2. Her little blond brother who always smiles at me with such sparkling eyes. He reminds me of two other little blond boys I knew once.
3. My pastor, he is just such an awesome man with a heart for God.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Sun, Sand and Sarah
I'm sitting beneath that red umbrella listening to the wind chimes I bought and Sarah playing in the sand box. It is a lovely day but a bit chilly for my taste. I had looked forward to short sleeves, sandals and relaxing in the sun. I got the sun. I'm wearing short sleeves. . . beneath a jacket made out of the same stuff sweatsuits are made of. I have on sandals but I had to put hose on to keep my legs warm.
I have been writing a tiny bit. I'm very dissatisfied with it all. I've got off track. We talked about it in the writers' meeting but honestly, I didn't want to hear it. But it is true. I'm not writing the story I set out to write. I have to back track a bit. Maybe do what Doug suggested and write something that can be inserted where the problem starts.... LOL at the beginning?
Dave and Becca have gone to get my lawnmower and I hope they can get it in their trunk. It is a big ole thing. But it didn't cost to get the repair done. I'm glad.I already spent too much on that truck tale. I have to get the yard cut today and then, I won't have to do anything else but finish up in the house.
I hate packing. I don't know what I need to take. I only have one bag and my carry on luggage. I'm going to carry two of those, one for the laptop and one for other items. Both will fit under the seat or in the overhead. I suspect the flight will be booked. After reading all about the problem in Europe with flights being grounded all over, I'm a bit glad this wasn't my trip to England! I want to visit but I don't know what I'd do if I got stranded like that. My poor friends would have an American house guest longer than anticipated. Of course there are several of them. Suppose I could make the rounds like a poor relation. LOL! Me with my luggage wheeling around England because the planes won't fly? OMG....
I started this around 3 this afternoon and Dave got back with my mower. So, we came in and he did yard work for me. I read stories, listened to Sarah tell knock-knock jokes. She's so funny. She laughs at her own jokes! I talked to Becca. My sister stopped by and we talked and watched Sarah. She took Sarah for a walk too. Sarah then took a nap. Mike was over to do laundry all day.
We did go to the restaurant, by the way. I have videos and photos of today's events. They will be posted shortly.
Before they left we had hamburgers. Sarah was sitting on the sofa eating a fry. She looks at me and says, "I had a good time today." We all laughed. She's 3 1/2 for heavens sake!
I have been writing a tiny bit. I'm very dissatisfied with it all. I've got off track. We talked about it in the writers' meeting but honestly, I didn't want to hear it. But it is true. I'm not writing the story I set out to write. I have to back track a bit. Maybe do what Doug suggested and write something that can be inserted where the problem starts.... LOL at the beginning?
Dave and Becca have gone to get my lawnmower and I hope they can get it in their trunk. It is a big ole thing. But it didn't cost to get the repair done. I'm glad.I already spent too much on that truck tale. I have to get the yard cut today and then, I won't have to do anything else but finish up in the house.
I hate packing. I don't know what I need to take. I only have one bag and my carry on luggage. I'm going to carry two of those, one for the laptop and one for other items. Both will fit under the seat or in the overhead. I suspect the flight will be booked. After reading all about the problem in Europe with flights being grounded all over, I'm a bit glad this wasn't my trip to England! I want to visit but I don't know what I'd do if I got stranded like that. My poor friends would have an American house guest longer than anticipated. Of course there are several of them. Suppose I could make the rounds like a poor relation. LOL! Me with my luggage wheeling around England because the planes won't fly? OMG....
I started this around 3 this afternoon and Dave got back with my mower. So, we came in and he did yard work for me. I read stories, listened to Sarah tell knock-knock jokes. She's so funny. She laughs at her own jokes! I talked to Becca. My sister stopped by and we talked and watched Sarah. She took Sarah for a walk too. Sarah then took a nap. Mike was over to do laundry all day.
We did go to the restaurant, by the way. I have videos and photos of today's events. They will be posted shortly.
Before they left we had hamburgers. Sarah was sitting on the sofa eating a fry. She looks at me and says, "I had a good time today." We all laughed. She's 3 1/2 for heavens sake!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Which Way From Here?
It has been a very rough week, all things considered. I've been stressed at work, stressed by medical issues, and stressed by my life in general. I had brief breaks of calm in there.
Tuesday night with pizza and Dave, Becca and Sarah after that horrible day at the clinic. Saving the day for Ms Sarah Cheyenne is always a pleasure no matter what day it is. Wednesday picnic, a nice peaceful hour with a friend from writing group, Kathy. She's funny and interesting to talk to.
Wednesday night my writing group saved my day by just being themselves. I do not know where they all came from but no one can possibly ever know the anchor these five people have been in my life for almost 9 months. It is like drowning and knowing that just a short distance away is this island you can rest on before getting tossed back into the drink. You struggle to stay afloat until you circle back to that small stretch of sand again.
Today is Friday and I have to go home tonight and start cleaning house and packing. I won't have a lot of time after Sunday. I work M-W and Thursday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 a.m.
Last night was my first night with no company all week. I thought I was ready for that. I didn't want company. I went home and got in a sloppy pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt and did nothing productive... watched a t.v. show and then simply was overwhelmed by the whole week of confusion and the loneliness of decisions that I am used to having help to make, the feeling of being stupid because I can't do it.
I guess since my blog is the place I'm honest with myself, I have to just come out and say the words I never say to anyone. I'm afraid of everything. There is nothing that I do anymore that I'm not afraid of. The simplest things are frightening. I forget my medicine and I just go nuts. Did I? Did I not? When I take a trip. . . what about this, what about that, what if this, what if that. If I look around and see all the stuff that needs doing. Everything is terrifying. It is like being in a foreign country where you don't speak even a little of the language and you're lost. You try and pretend you know what your doing but inside you're rigid with this overwhelming terror. Been there, so I know.
I think the worst moments are when I think, however briefly, "I'll have to ask Jerry about that." It's kind of like being slapped. I didn't by any scope of the imagination rely on my husband to make every decision for our family. But for over 30 years I relied on him to make certain decisions, do certain things while I managed others. It was a partnership and we worked well together. In the last five, more and more and more was falling on me. And I was buckling under the weight for the last two years. You think you're stronger than you really are, at least, I did. And then comes the point at which all the supports are removed and you are under the house that just fell on you. There's no wiggle room. No way out.
So you go to sleep afraid. You wake up afraid. You muddle through your day afraid. You push back as long as you can but it gets tiring. You get so tired. And you don't know what is real.
Nothing I believed before January 29, 2009 remains. Someone changed everything, all the rules, all the questions. Now, I don't know the answers. And that's frightening, too. Because I always have.
I do not speak the language of this land. I don't have a map for this country.
Tuesday night with pizza and Dave, Becca and Sarah after that horrible day at the clinic. Saving the day for Ms Sarah Cheyenne is always a pleasure no matter what day it is. Wednesday picnic, a nice peaceful hour with a friend from writing group, Kathy. She's funny and interesting to talk to.
Wednesday night my writing group saved my day by just being themselves. I do not know where they all came from but no one can possibly ever know the anchor these five people have been in my life for almost 9 months. It is like drowning and knowing that just a short distance away is this island you can rest on before getting tossed back into the drink. You struggle to stay afloat until you circle back to that small stretch of sand again.
Today is Friday and I have to go home tonight and start cleaning house and packing. I won't have a lot of time after Sunday. I work M-W and Thursday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 a.m.
Last night was my first night with no company all week. I thought I was ready for that. I didn't want company. I went home and got in a sloppy pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt and did nothing productive... watched a t.v. show and then simply was overwhelmed by the whole week of confusion and the loneliness of decisions that I am used to having help to make, the feeling of being stupid because I can't do it.
I guess since my blog is the place I'm honest with myself, I have to just come out and say the words I never say to anyone. I'm afraid of everything. There is nothing that I do anymore that I'm not afraid of. The simplest things are frightening. I forget my medicine and I just go nuts. Did I? Did I not? When I take a trip. . . what about this, what about that, what if this, what if that. If I look around and see all the stuff that needs doing. Everything is terrifying. It is like being in a foreign country where you don't speak even a little of the language and you're lost. You try and pretend you know what your doing but inside you're rigid with this overwhelming terror. Been there, so I know.
I think the worst moments are when I think, however briefly, "I'll have to ask Jerry about that." It's kind of like being slapped. I didn't by any scope of the imagination rely on my husband to make every decision for our family. But for over 30 years I relied on him to make certain decisions, do certain things while I managed others. It was a partnership and we worked well together. In the last five, more and more and more was falling on me. And I was buckling under the weight for the last two years. You think you're stronger than you really are, at least, I did. And then comes the point at which all the supports are removed and you are under the house that just fell on you. There's no wiggle room. No way out.
So you go to sleep afraid. You wake up afraid. You muddle through your day afraid. You push back as long as you can but it gets tiring. You get so tired. And you don't know what is real.
Nothing I believed before January 29, 2009 remains. Someone changed everything, all the rules, all the questions. Now, I don't know the answers. And that's frightening, too. Because I always have.
I do not speak the language of this land. I don't have a map for this country.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Welcome to My World
I have to relate the events of my Saturday. I was so busy over the weekend that I had not had time to get on and blog about what was going on. You can see from the previous post that Sunday was hectic. Well, Saturday was no less. Monday... don't ask.
Saturday I got up early and did a few things but I had to go get Mike and rent a U-Haul truck to go get Sarah's swing. We picked the truck up around noon, bought her swing and worked the rest of the afternoon putting it up. We have a sandbox with new sand and a swing that still needs it's slide. Becca and I worked until it was too dark to see and said the slide could wait until David was home Tuesday. Sarah was getting tired and irritable and so were we. It is a nice little swing.
I thought I'd have the truck back to U-Haul by that point but I told Mike we'd get that old mattress out of his place and to a dumpster while we had it and then take the truck back. It was nearly 9 pm by then. We put the box the swing came in in the bed of the truck would dump them, too. He went to his house to get the mattress. Becca and I sat around at my house and then I took them home after about 30 minutes. The dumpster was at her place and so I waited there for Mike to bring the truck. It was convenient because the rental place was three blocks from where Becca lives.
I waited. And waited. And waited. I got tic'd. Mike has a habit of joy riding. He loves to drive and doesn't own a car now. He takes the long way around all the time. And he's not a careful driver. My mind was playing lots of games with me. I was exhausted and it was nearly 10 pm. I told her I was going home and when he got there he was to get to my house asap because I was furious with him.
I left and went down Hwy 41, a four lane, since that is the road he'd come to her house on. I figured if I saw him I just turn around and go back. It was an inconvenience to have to make another trip from my house. I had almost reached the crossroad when Becca called to tell me that Mike had called. She said he had a fish tale. Actually, she said he has wonky story about the mattress catching fire in the back of the truck. He was on the Expressway and the fire department was there. She, as well as I, didn't buy it. She gave me the number he called from and hung up saying, "Sounded like a lot of people in the background."
I called and asked for Mike. The woman who answered laughed and said, "Oh yes, we called the fire department from my phone. Hang on."
He said the mattress had caught fire in the truck. There was more but I couldn't make sense of it. I finally asked, "Where are you!?" He told me. It was just a short job from where I was by then. I could see the fire truck from where I was waiting to get on the expressway. I had to go down, and turn around and come back as he was on the opposite side.
Here's the break down. He got the mattress and put it in the back of the truck on top of the box the swing came in. This box, top and bottom were built like coffins... I could have lain down in either and still have room to put my knees up. Then he headed to where I was waiting. But the mattress blew off somewhere on the expressway. When he realized it he had to turn around and go look for it. He said he had to go around twice before he located it near the on ramp. He got there, and said the whole of one side was gone and he thought it felt warm but it wasn't on fire. He tossed it in the back of the truck and headed out again. The next thing he knew there were flames in the back of the truck. He went across three lanes of traffic, to the emergency lane, got out and pulled the now blazing mattress out on to the pavement.
The fire department was there when I pulled up to find a sodden mass of what was left of cotton batting, a twisted pile of metal coils and two partially consumed cardboard boxes. I did ask if they had ever heard of anything so crazy. One said, "Ma'am, we've heard everything."
I asked what had happened and they couldn't tell me. They posited a few ideas. A cigarette tossed on the road that the mattress landed on. I was amazed at the high level of coincidence that required and didn't buy it at all. Mike doesn't smoke either. The mattress has lain in his apartment about a month waiting to be carted off to the trash. It defied reason.
They shoveled the remains into the back of the truck and we went to dump it. I thought about it and the only thing I can really believe is that when it struck the pavement, the metal inner spring generated sparks that embedded into the cotton batting and were smoldering. He said the whole back of the bedding was gone when he flipped it over but he didn't think anything about it. He tossed it in the truck and took off. At that point, smoldering sparks got a massive dose of air, something fire must have to ignite and burn. The mattress exploded into flames.
Just my guess.
I had told one of the firemen that Mike was just bringing the thing to my house to for the trash pick up. He smiled and said, "Now you don't have to worry about it."
This is a typical day in my life, folks. I swear to you with my hand up.
Saturday I got up early and did a few things but I had to go get Mike and rent a U-Haul truck to go get Sarah's swing. We picked the truck up around noon, bought her swing and worked the rest of the afternoon putting it up. We have a sandbox with new sand and a swing that still needs it's slide. Becca and I worked until it was too dark to see and said the slide could wait until David was home Tuesday. Sarah was getting tired and irritable and so were we. It is a nice little swing.
I thought I'd have the truck back to U-Haul by that point but I told Mike we'd get that old mattress out of his place and to a dumpster while we had it and then take the truck back. It was nearly 9 pm by then. We put the box the swing came in in the bed of the truck would dump them, too. He went to his house to get the mattress. Becca and I sat around at my house and then I took them home after about 30 minutes. The dumpster was at her place and so I waited there for Mike to bring the truck. It was convenient because the rental place was three blocks from where Becca lives.
I waited. And waited. And waited. I got tic'd. Mike has a habit of joy riding. He loves to drive and doesn't own a car now. He takes the long way around all the time. And he's not a careful driver. My mind was playing lots of games with me. I was exhausted and it was nearly 10 pm. I told her I was going home and when he got there he was to get to my house asap because I was furious with him.
I left and went down Hwy 41, a four lane, since that is the road he'd come to her house on. I figured if I saw him I just turn around and go back. It was an inconvenience to have to make another trip from my house. I had almost reached the crossroad when Becca called to tell me that Mike had called. She said he had a fish tale. Actually, she said he has wonky story about the mattress catching fire in the back of the truck. He was on the Expressway and the fire department was there. She, as well as I, didn't buy it. She gave me the number he called from and hung up saying, "Sounded like a lot of people in the background."
I called and asked for Mike. The woman who answered laughed and said, "Oh yes, we called the fire department from my phone. Hang on."
He said the mattress had caught fire in the truck. There was more but I couldn't make sense of it. I finally asked, "Where are you!?" He told me. It was just a short job from where I was by then. I could see the fire truck from where I was waiting to get on the expressway. I had to go down, and turn around and come back as he was on the opposite side.
Here's the break down. He got the mattress and put it in the back of the truck on top of the box the swing came in. This box, top and bottom were built like coffins... I could have lain down in either and still have room to put my knees up. Then he headed to where I was waiting. But the mattress blew off somewhere on the expressway. When he realized it he had to turn around and go look for it. He said he had to go around twice before he located it near the on ramp. He got there, and said the whole of one side was gone and he thought it felt warm but it wasn't on fire. He tossed it in the back of the truck and headed out again. The next thing he knew there were flames in the back of the truck. He went across three lanes of traffic, to the emergency lane, got out and pulled the now blazing mattress out on to the pavement.
The fire department was there when I pulled up to find a sodden mass of what was left of cotton batting, a twisted pile of metal coils and two partially consumed cardboard boxes. I did ask if they had ever heard of anything so crazy. One said, "Ma'am, we've heard everything."
I asked what had happened and they couldn't tell me. They posited a few ideas. A cigarette tossed on the road that the mattress landed on. I was amazed at the high level of coincidence that required and didn't buy it at all. Mike doesn't smoke either. The mattress has lain in his apartment about a month waiting to be carted off to the trash. It defied reason.
They shoveled the remains into the back of the truck and we went to dump it. I thought about it and the only thing I can really believe is that when it struck the pavement, the metal inner spring generated sparks that embedded into the cotton batting and were smoldering. He said the whole back of the bedding was gone when he flipped it over but he didn't think anything about it. He tossed it in the truck and took off. At that point, smoldering sparks got a massive dose of air, something fire must have to ignite and burn. The mattress exploded into flames.
Just my guess.
I had told one of the firemen that Mike was just bringing the thing to my house to for the trash pick up. He smiled and said, "Now you don't have to worry about it."
This is a typical day in my life, folks. I swear to you with my hand up.
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