Sunny Monday

Woke to a very beautiful day but it is just too cool to my liking. I want warm sunshine, not the refridgerated stuff. Pain is fairly high as a result of the cold. I no longer have Jerry's warmth to shelter me at night and so I've had to put blankets on the bed and wear woolen socks. I still just get so cold.

I don't want to turn the heat up too high but I don't see how I'll manage if I can't get it regulated at night. We always turn the heat back at night and it was fine but I see now that it probably won't be anymore.

I've going home to night and work on that kitchen floor. I would like to have a couple of things taken care of before Thursday night. The house is presentable... more or less. At least the room we will be using is. LOL, and the kitchen will be better when I'm done. It really is a wreck.

I don't want to work today. I hate days like that where you have to be here but you'd rather be somewhere else. My stomach is a bit grumpy for some reason. I didn't want lunch.

One of the members of our writing group has that terrible cold and says they've told her she has pneumonia. I hope she can join us.I wonder... I could set up a webcam if I had a router for the internet and she could join in virtually.... Hmmmmm. Have to check that out.

Well, back to the mines for now. I don't know if I will be on tonight or not. Lots to do after I get home. If not, I'll see you all later.

My next video blog will be the grand tour of the house. I told you guys I was going to do it. I took my computer all over the house and filmed the rooms. I may borrow Becca's camera and do a video instead. Have to see. Anyway, tour coming.

So far, people have responded well to my hair curling video. Everyone seems to have gotten a laugh from it and that's good. 'Specially since the follow up video has me looking gorgeous.

On A Sunday

You go to church with your family and then to lunch. That's what I did this morning. I'm home now and deciding what to do with the afternoon.

I am down in my back, as the old folks say. My sciatica is making threats to knock me off my feet. I still have to paint that floor and I intend to do it before Thursday. My shoulder is not happy either but I think that is more because I've not been very faithful to my exercises for that. When I do them, it doesn't flare up as much. I've done them here and there lately. I just can't find 15 minutes twice a day!

I'm going to church tonight a bit early. I've been asked to help with our annual turkey giveaway. Our church does a turkey giveaway every year. This year they are doing it a bit differently. They are having a church service where people will register to receive a free turkey. This will eliminate the long lines of cars and waiting. And it will be an opportunity to feed souls as well as stomachs. They never turn anyone away at the giveaway until the turkeys run out and I was told today they've never come up short. This year, those needed turkeys will have to preregister, attend a special service at the church the week before, after the service, they will received a get a ticket with their registration number and they will take that to the church the day of the giveaway. I suspect it will be less work on giveaway day than it has been in the past.

I will be working the computer during the special service. We have a monitor that puts scripture and the songs up for everyone to see. All the people who usually do it are either singing or working in some other capacity. One of the women working on the committee suggested they ask me to do it since I used to do it in the past. Actually, I haven't done the overhead in about two years. Anyway, I told her I'd help so I know you will all be thrilled I'm doing something besides complaining about my life.

This won't be an easy task. Our computer is in a sound booth at the top of a very steep stairway. One reason I stopped doing the computer work was the climb to the top was just difficult and coming down just as bad. Initially the computer was on the first floor and it was no problem. Now, I just hate going up there. But one service should not be so bad, I guess. I told a friend of mine about it and said, I could crawl up and come down on my butt.

I'm going now. I'm going to roll my hair and try and get it into something besides a bun tonight. I get sick of it but the thinning has left me little choice if I don't cut it.

I'll be back again. I've got a video from yesterday with Miss Sarah Cheyenne. You'll all love it. She's quiet the Lady of the Manor is Miss Cheyenne.

Saturday Night Live

Sarah has gone home.She was carried out, sound asleep, about an hour ago and is now in her own bed asleep. We had a nice afternoon and MawMaw is tired too and her back is probably out. No, I didn't play that hard. I was painting my kitchen floor. Yes, I was. It is horrible and brown porch paint is no where near as ugly as my ancient lino.

Had to go to bed last night and yes, my back is not happy this morning. I am dressed and on my way out the door to get Mike for church. Dave and Becca and Sarah are supposed to be going with me but we will see when I get there.

I'll be back possibly this afternoon but I really want to paint the rest of that floor. It looks so much better this morning where I did one section.

See you later.

GOOOOD MORNING, MULTIPLY PALS

I hurt in a lot of places but not all over. And I am on my way to work. I'm not even going to put up my hair. I am hoping to pick up Sarah afterward and do some things with her today.

I will be back this afternoon and hopefully have photos. Chili night was good, although I didn't want the chili after it was done. The movie was Thin Ice with Tom Selleck. Very good movie. Mike rented another Ted Dekker movie but we didn't watch it. I was very tired and it was nearly 9 p.m.

Lord that sounds OLD from a person who used to be able to sit up until 1 a.m. studying for finals and ace them at 9 the next morning.

Ok, more later. Have a good day or evening, depending on what time-frame you are located in.

Chili Movie Nite

Mike and I are getting ready to do our Chili Movie Nite. He's gone to buy the fix'ins since I didn't have enough in the larder. And then he'll pick up the movie while I fix the chili.

I did have lunch with my writing friend, Doug. We went to a Chinese restaurant roughly between where we both work. We batted around some places but I got the impression he likes Chinese and since I do to that was what we agreed on.

The lunch went well. It was really nice to sit and discuss writing styles, methods, and concerns. We are both looking forward to this writing group. We discussed what we thought we would gain from it and we discussed the first piece of writing we've been given to critique.

As I mentioned, we met last November and since then, we've only emailed here and there to just stay in contact until this November. One thing we both agreed on is that to really stay charged up about writing you need to be able to connect with other writers who love it as much as you do. He has a rather large family- four children and a wife. WIth a job and a family that size, writing can often get shuffled to the back burner and if you don't have a way to stay focused, it gets cold. I think the group will really benefit him.

As for me, you all know my motivation for doing this. I need my sanity. But I also need the contact with people who love writing. I enjoy talking about it and I like sharing information and ideas. I don't have the kind of distractions Doug will have but mine are far more insidious.

My husband was very supportive of me and the writing. He never said much and didn't complain about it in any way if I wrote for hours. I was so fortunate to have someone who just wanted me to be happy. How very foolish that I wasn't always happy. We are so blind to what we have. Always looking for something to get better. Never content with what we've been blessed to have. I was given a great treasure and I treated it like an old pair of shoes. Not like my special shoes I wear and take care of and am so proud of and love to show off.

I'm not going to go down that dark path right now. I have managed to keep my mood a bit lighter the last two days and I don't want to lose it. I have to work tomorrow and I don't want to go in after a bad night.

I will pop around again later if it isn't too late.

Windy Friday

I am at work and listening to a howling wind whistle through the crack in my window. I just got up and managed to force it completely closed. It was causing a terrible draft, too.

The weather has turned off very cool. It is 61 degrees out right now at 11:10 a.m. I suppose Fall is finally here but I am not ready for it. I've been having a problem staying warm. I've piled a quilt on my bed. I don't have Jerry to snuggle up to if I get cold. I will have to break my sweats out early to try and stay warm. I woke up with pain in my shoulders, feet, knees and hands. The cold just really makes it worse. I'm concerned that I will have to keep the house warmer but I've decided to get some carpets put down and that will help a bit.

I am going to lunch with a writing friend, I think. I got an invite a bit late and had to juggle things. Doug, from the writing group works here in town and we talked about it at the meeting last time I saw him. He asked if I ever take lunch out and I said yes. So today, he emailed me an invitation to meet up at a restaurant near both our jobs. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm trying get out more during the my days to meet and talk with people. I've had a couple of other people I know but have never gone to lunch with ask me about my lunch hour. So, I may have busier lunch hours in the future. It would be nice. Breaks up my day and gives me something to think about besides myself.

I'm thinking about trying to paint the bedroom this weekend. I am supposed to work but it doesn't take long to paint a room. The windows will take a bit but not the rest. Then, i want to have a carpet put down. I also want to paint that hideous kitchen floor to cover it up for the time being. I think I'll feel better if it looks better!

Ok, I'm going off for now. I have to see if I'm actually meeting up for lunch or not. We've just sort of emailed suggestions about where and nothing is definite yet. I have a date with Mike tonight to watch a movie and make him some chili. He said he misses my chili. Since it is cold out it is time for it. I like it, too so that will be good.

I'll be back later tonight.

Passings

It has been a difficult day. Jerry's sister, Sandra, called this morning to tell me that their 1st cousin, Janie, had died overnight. She's been in the hospital for about a week but there was no indication it was fatal. Sandra had called days ago to tell me that Janie was in the hospital with what they thought had been a stroke but was in fact fluid around her heart. Sandra had talked with her and she thought she was doing fine. Mike called me a while ago and said now they think that is was a brain aneurysm.

Janie was like a sister to Jerry and Sandra. She is devastated and it brought so much to the surface for me. She has so little family left. Just the baby brother and they are not close. I felt terrible for her. I am blessed with six brothers and sisters and I am so very thankful for each one of them. I too loved Janie. My husband just adored her. She was a laughing, funny woman.

I think I must have known something last night. I saw Sandra's number on my phone when I got home from work and I thought in my mind, "I'm so sorry Janie died." But she hadn't at that point. So I told myself that was a silly thought that Janie wasn't dead and that they would call me if something happened. And I went to bed. But she did die that night.

So, my day has been terribly depressing.

I sent an email to my assistant pastor a few days ago about people asking me about Jerry and seeming not to know he was dead. He called me today and we talked for quite a time. I just told him how very difficult I've been having it. He was very shocked by people asking and couldn't understand why anyone would not know. I told him to imagine how I was feeling. He said he would try to insure that people were made aware but he still couldn't understand why they weren't already.

I also told him how isolated I felt and how in all the months since Jerry died the only people I talked to were my family and people I work with and those of you here. As I said, we talked for probably 45 minutes and I told him I was not trying to criticize him but that I was in a terrible place. He did apologize because he said he felt like they had failed me. I didn't point out obvious things. I believe in forgiveness and I try very hard not to ever hold grudges. As I've said before, the people in my church are good people. I told him that I understood that part of the problem was that a lot of people simply don't understand how very terrible this sort of thing is.

I also told him that people like me need to talk. It is like a festering wound that will only heal by getting the poison out. I told him that I would probably feel much better this afternoon simply because he was listening to me and letting me say what I had to say. He prayed for me before we got off the phone. And I did feel better in the afternoon. Not great but better. I'm terribly sad and hurting but I'm not overwhelmed by it.

I just called Janie's son and left a message for him. I know better than anyone there are no words that will help. You just have to let people know how much you care and not forget them when the funeral is over. Fortunately, Rickey's wife and I chat online every so often so I stay in touch with them.

So, now I'm going to get a shower.

I Don't Know If I Can Live With That

I've decided there is no use in pretending that I am better, getting better or will get better. It is too exhausting to keep it up. I'm just worn out with it.

I'm good at hiding behind a shield of work and busyness. I don't think much as long as I'm running on full speed ahead. But it is there, that looming darkness that I keep shoved behind the door, beneath the desk, under the bed, in the closet. The effort involved in keeping it at bay is just overwhelming.

I sat tonight and wondered how badly I really want to even deal with this anymore and realized I don't. I'm tired and sick of dragging myself through this house.

I talked to a nurse today at my Reumatologist's office. Her mother died in October and she said she was so angry at people who were happy. I told her I understood. We chatted for a bit on what she was going through and comparing our experience.

I, on the other hand, am bitter. I was happy once. I had all I ever wanted. A family. My children and my husband, our home was all I ever wanted. Only in the last six or seven years had things begun to really just fall apart. Jerry lost several jobs. He was sick. I was sick. The boys were insane. Mike's marriage broke up. Dave ran away from home and brought back a wife. Mike lost his disability benefits and can't find work. Dave can't keep a job. Sarah sick all the time. Just everything piling up until Jerry just broke under it all. I am caving under the final onslaught.

This woman has no other family. She is alone in the world with only one child and no husband. And I knew that the weight of that must be so horrible for her. I wanted to cry for her. I have this terrible fear that something will happen to my sons or Sarah and I will have nothing left at all. My whole life will have disappeared. It will all have been lived for absolutely nothing. A lifetime lived for nothing! It won't mean anything at all. Pointless. It will never have existed.

That is probably the most horrible consideration of all. That everything was meaningless. All the struggles and stresses and successes, grief, heartache, pain, and even joy will have been to no purpose and there would be no reason to have ever done anything or struggled so hard to survive. We could have sat back and done just whatever we wanted and not worried about tomorrow at all. We could have spent our lives taking whatever enjoyment we wanted. None of it would have mattered anyway.We could have lived much happier lives and probably longer ones because of not worrying so much.

Death is a leveler. He smooths out the bumps and wrinkles, and cracks in the field. They become nothing but chicken scratches in the dirt. You're left standing in that smooth, flat field and realize that you aren't important at all. You're here and you'll die.

You know that story called The Dash. About a preacher saying the dash between your date of birth and date of death is the life lived between. In essence, it tells about making days count and doing things that leave a mark.

But in truth, when you stand at the edge of a grave, the dash IS ALL you see. You can't escape it. The dash is a dagger, a sword, a sharp knife that inflicts a million razor cuts to your flesh and you end up in a heap on the floor, bleeding your life away. You reach a point where you begin to realize that the only thing you know for certain are those two dates on either side of the dash. The beginning and the end. What happened in between is erased and doesn't exist at all anymore except in memories and photographs. Or in journals if you were wise enough to record them. My journals were totally self absorbed and I will be burning them in a few months, probably on the anniversary of Jerry's death. Might as well erase it all. It doesn't really matter anymore because it doesn't exist. The purely metaphysical would say nothing exist and now I'd probably agree with them. Even the Bible suggest we're nothing but vapor.

Another woman I spoke with last night, the one who sent me the photo, lost her husband maybe six years ago. She is probably my mother's age and they were married a long time. She has children and grandchildren. She said, "It never gets better." Her pain doesn't stop. She sees him in the young man who plays the guitar in a church she attends. "He sounds just like George." She sees him on the platform playing the guitar when she comes to visit our church. She lives 50 miles away and can't come often. I know what she feels as she sits there. Her heart is ripped thorough her chest, twisted, and stuffed back in with no regard.

"It never gets better."

I don't know if I can live with that.

A Discovery

Someone sent me picture of Jerry from an old church picnic. He was slimmer an his hair not so thin. He looked so very alive.

There are no fires in hell.

Once through the gates it's just endless dark that scalds you from the inside out.

Back to Work I Go

The weekend is over.

I am resigned to Sundays being the most miserable day of the week. Never thought I'd say I was glad to see a Monday.

I never thought there would be a time in my life when everything was lost that mattered.

I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

Hie Ho, Hie Hoe!

I'm off to work for three hours at the office. I really need to but really don't want to. The piles of paper on my desk are unreal.

I'm less depressed today and when that happens, one begins to hope for light at the end of the tunnel. It is a miserably gray day, nonetheless. I've been praying for sun. I can't stand this gloom any longer! I hate the weather here. I always have. A week in the Sunshine State is not conducive to a happy return to the Depression state. My childhood is filled with sun. All the years prior to 1988 are also sun-filled. That is the year we moved here and darkness crept over the face of the deep. 9 months of the year it is gloomy. No wonder my vitamin D is deficient. No wonder my depression worsened.

Anyway, I've got other things to do as well. The yard is knee high. But after a week of daily rain and wet conditions, that is not going to change soon. Heavy trash pick up came on the 21st and some of the bozos who go through it before it is picked up stole my trash can. Idiot, did you really think I was tossing a perfectly good trash can? It was there because trash pick up was the previous Wednesday and I had only just got back to town!

So, I'm off for now and may be back in a few hours.

Writers Meeting

I attended the first meeting of a new writers' group tonight. There were five of us who showed up. Doug is the only male and I met him last year at one of the NaNoWriMo meetings. There was also Sarah, our apparent leader and very nice lady. Katie and Kathy and my self rounded out the group. We don't have a name yet but it started off well.

It was nice to sit and talk to other people about something I really love and to hear their ideas. We spent most of the time outlining the structure of the group and meetings and deciding when we would meet. We've decided on every two weeks. Sarah will be checking into places we could meet besides Barnes and Noble.

When I left I realized I felt better than I have in a couple of days. I know that much of my depression is from being so isolated and having no contact or diversions. I'm not a really a very social person and I don't really like going places alone. I don't like shopping either, particularly alone. So, there is limited number of things that will be of interest to me. Before he got sick, we always planned day trips on the weekends. We liked doing yard work together too. We did everything as a couple until he began to get sick. Then, more and more I was left alone to do what I wanted. But he was still "here". I wasn't completely alone. Not like this.

So, I am glad that this group is going to be meeting twice a month. We will be reading each other's work during the week via email and meeting to discuss and critique it. That's a difficult thing to do but I actually like that kind of thing. I loved editing papers in college for friends and I got asked a lot. I would have loved to be an editor some where.

We will be meeting two nights a month that I have something to look forward to and reading the material and thinking about it will give me something a bit more positive to occupy myself with. Less darkness perhaps.

I'm tired. The week has been absolutely exhausting and I'm now so far behind at work. I was behind from vacation. I got in deeper when I had to take extra work after they fired the other girl. I had a move briefing yesterday, met with a landlord about an hour, training for four hours today. And I have yet another meeting tomorrow. Software meeting. I will be glad when they get the transition done. I'm tired of being our department expert. I'm scheduled to work three hours on Saturday overtime to try and catch up on some of the backlog. At least I get time an a half for that.

So, off to bed for now unless I find something on Hulu to watch.

You'll Get Your Quilt

This is from my GCFL.com joke of the day. Very cute.

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what what morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

Counselor Follow-up

I saw Dan tonight after work and he wants me on Prozac. Figured that would be his decision. Of course he offered all the usually "you don't have to stay on it forever" platitudes. I know he means it. But I've yet to meet anyone who ever got off prozac. If they did, they simply went to another antidepressant.

So, I am supposed to ask my doctor to prescribe it. I've no desire to do that. I will not become enslaved to this crap. People have been dying and surviving grief for thousands upon thousands of years, without the aid of mood altering drugs.

I pointed that out to Dan. He said yes but some of them just went to bed. I, it seems, don't have that luxury. Well, I'll have to figure out something else.

He said I could take it for a month and if it didn't work I could stop taking it. No problem. If it worked? Oh, well, in six months or a year I could stop taking it and see how I felt. Right.

And when I hit bottom after I go off it and decided I want to die instead of live without it? Well, I could go back on it if I'm not cured.

Right. That is NOT going to happen. If I'm going to be depressed in a year why bother? What happens if I have a change of health insurance that won't cover it? Then what? I have to learn to live without it? Yep.

So, how is all this an improvement? I'm functioning. I'm working. I'm going places. I'm just miserable without my husband around.

It took a vacation to realize I'm under too much stress with "normal" living on top of the tragedy of losing Jerry. My kids are a mess and constant source of hurt and worry. My job is stressful because of added responsibilities since they fired a girl. I've got concerns about Mike. I'm concerned about Sarah getting this flu. Mike getting it. Me getting it. Ad nauseum.

So, a little pill will keep me from worrying about it all. And when I go off of it there will be NO side effects? No, of course not.... well, that's what they say.

He said I was illogical.

He said I had irrational fears.

I told him that next thing I'd be committed.

He said no because I wasn't crazy.

Well, that's comforting.

Today is Wednesday... Yes it is.

I have to be in court this morning for my job. I hate these things.

I have to meet with the counselor at 5. I think it may be pointless.

I am tired and depressed and it has been cloudy ever since I got home. I suspect I'm a true southern girl who needs constant sunshine. I don't have a way to fix it.

Happy Birthday, Mike!

Today was the 30th birthday of my oldest son, Michael. He is wearing the gold tie in this photo.

Mike is such a great son. I am so thankful that I was blessed with this adorable blue-eyed angel 30 years ago.



<;So much joy in one little boy! What excitement we've had together.

He has such a great big heart filled with so much love.

'S Ok

Really. I'm fine. I'm o.k.

Cold is better.

Work is horrible.

Kids horrible.

Life is normal.

Who wants normal, anyway.

Black Sunday

It isn't home any more. I want to go home and I don't have one.

I thought I'd go to church this morning and I did. I thought David would let me take Sarah. He said I could last night. He changed his mind this morning. "Everyone at church is sick. She's sick." Same story all the time. It is never a good time. I never get to take her to church. You know, I was scared to death to keep my kids out of church. I always believe it was my responsibility to get them there, no matter what.

She was fine last night when she came in and hugged and kissed me. No cough, no sniffles. Nothing. She told me she loved me and missed me. She wanted to stay and play but he had waited until it was late to come over. He needed something. I gave her her toys and sent her home. He asked Becca and they told me I could take her this morning. But when I called at 8 to ask he said no. I didn't believe they would anyway but I really hoped they would let me have her today.

Mike was going but he changed his mind, too. Said his stomach hurt.

I went to church alone and it was terrible. My cough is back and I'm tired and I just want to see Jerry. I need to talk to him and I want to see him. I can't stand this any more. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to come to an empty house. I want to go home.

I should sell the house and leave. I have nothing left here. I'm alone and have nothing to stay for. I can't see Sarah so it doesn't matter anymore what happens. I can leave anytime. I can use Jerry's insurance to move his body to wherever I want to go.

I remember all the months before Jerry died how he begged for them to let us have Sarah for church or to go somewhere. He would sit and cry to see her. It was terrible and it is a terrible memory. I'm so glad he had that last whole day with her. He played with her.

But I don't want to do that. I don't want to sit and cry because I can't have her. Oh, I can see her. When it is convenient. But not to really go places and do things with her when I am off and ask for her. I can't take her to church. I'm promised I can but then it never happens.

I'm tired. I just want to see Jerry. I always had Jerry to take care of me and look out for me. We had each other and we tried to make the best of it. When it hurt, we had each other. We made a mess of everything.

I wish I'd made him quit that job. He could have been here a little longer. He worked for them, so he could give his check to them. For Sarah. And it killed him. For nothing. He worked himself to death for nothing. I told him two years ago he needed to stop working but he and I both knew it couldn't happen. We were so far in a hole each month because we'd given too much money away. I never saw his check. I found receipts where he'd spent it. Diapers, baby things, food, gas for a car he couldn't even drive.

I just want to see him. I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him I'm sorry I didn't stop it sooner and make him quit work. I hate my life. I hate living like this. I hate it. I don't think I can stay here. Really. I don't want to anymore. I come back to nothing and no one. I want to leave.

I'm getting a lawyer next week to set up my will. I have a will already and I've arranged for my cousin to take care of everything should something happen to me. But I need to get a new, formal will set up. I'm putting all insurance payouts in a trust fund. No cash payouts. No lump sums. That way, Sarah will have a little something someday, not much but maybe she can buy something nice for herself that she didn't have to beg for from someone else.

I have to arrange something for Mike, too. I have no real money, just small insurance policies and a retirement account if I die before I retire. They will bury men but it won't go far. Still maybe I can get him a place to live so he isn't homeless. That is my fear. That he will be homeless. There is no one to care for him or look out for him. And he can be taken advantage of easily. I've already talked to my cousin and my brother about this and they have agreed to handle everything should something happen to me. I'm giving power of attorney to my aunt, cousin, and oldest brother. I trust them and I know they will make the best decisions and follow my wishes.

My cousin wants me to move near them. He'd try and help me find a job. I know he would do his best but he just started his own business and has a new family to care for. He doesn't need my problems. I know my aunt and uncle would be thrilled if I came there, too.

I just don't really care about any of it anymore. There is no place I want to be. Nothing I want except Jerry. I just want to see him and talk to him. I can't bear it. I can't stand being here and not being able to see him or hear him or talk to him.

I keep thinking it should have been me. It would have been better if it had been me but then I realize he would be even worse off. I took care of so much. He just reached the place that his heart couldn't take it anymore. It broke. Now, I'm not sure I can take it anymore either.

Second Flight of the Widow

I flew back to Indiana today. My aunt and uncle drove me to Jacksonville to catch my plane but it was delayed an hour because the weather in Atlanta was terrible. I was supposed to leave at 11:42 a.m. eastern time but the plane was 40 minutes late.

Once on the plane, we hit heavy clouds within half an hour. A bit bumpy but not terribly so. I was in a large 757 with three seats on each side of the plane. There was no one in the seat next to me so I spent the time reading my book. Because we were late getting in the air, they booked me a seat on a later flight out of Atlanta in case I missed my connection. However, that two hour layover I had just evaporated and I waited only 30 minutes to catch my connecting flight to Louisville, KY. It left on time at 3:50 p.m. eastern time.

That flight was a bit more bumpy. From the time we left the ground in Atlanta, where it was raining and buried in clouds, until we got to Louisville, there was heavy clouds. At one point, I looked out the window and above us was a ceiling of flat clouds and below us a floor of fluffy clouds. We were literally traveling in a corridor between layers of clouds. I was very strange looking.

This plane was a smaller jet and my seat companion was a young man whose wife sat across the aisle. She had a 4 year old daughter on the seat next to her and a 9 month old baby boy on her lap. The baby cried most of the way. I think his ears were bothering him but they didn't seem to know how to help. The dad was polite but not very talkative and I was nearly finished with my book anyway. After the usual pleasantries, we didn't talk much. The flight was only about an hour and I was on the ground at 4: 40 p.m. eastern time.

Once in my car, I was relieved to be headed home. I loved the vacation and had a wonderful time but I was ready to get back. However, I found myself depressed and missing Jerry so badly. I spent about half the trip crying and trying to drive. He wouldn't be waiting for me to get home and tell him about the trip. He had not been with me to enjoy it.

There had been times during the week when I felt very desolate because he wasn't there to enjoy the time together. I tried to push those times back and redirect. It was not easy to do. And on the way home, alone in the car, I couldn't stop all flow of memories of other trips and other vacations together and how they were gone and I couldn't call them back and couldn't relive them or repeat them.

There is nothing like that endless flow of memories that you can't shut off and can't seem to prevent. They come of their own volition, it seems, and will not be stopped just because you decide you don't want to have them. I've had fewer flashbacks but they still happen, sometimes every day, sometimes every few days. I find that when I'm tired I can't hold them back. When something triggers it -- an event, an action, a song, phrase, or sound -- there is just no way to really prevent reaction of my brain.

I got home around 5:30 central time (6:30 eastern) and I unpacked immediately and then showered. I've been watching movies, reading blogs, and posting my entries for the week. I've posted the videos but it didn't let me put the date on the videos. The blogs, however, I was able to post according to date.

I probably have a few photos and my aunt took several that I will try and get copies of but she will probably post them on her blog as well.

I have the writer's meeting on the 23rd. This is the new writer's group that is forming and I am looking forward to it. I'll let you know how that comes out.

Now, I'm off to bed. I need to be in church tomorrow.

Vacation, and my flight, has ended.

Friday Finale - The Blog

Today is the last day of our vacation. We went for a swim this morning and then to lunch with my cousin and his family. They just left headed home. We stopped by the luggage store to buy a new suitcase for me, one with wheels. I had such a hard time with my luggage that I felt it was a good idea. Nice wheels on it and I can buy other pieces later to add to it if I want it.

I think we are all sorry to see the week end. We've had a very nice, relaxing time. No running to see sights or anything. We've read, watched movies, and swam every day. There have not been a lot of people here so it was very laid back and we have had the pool to ourselves most of the time. We could just sit and enjoy each other's company and talk.

In a little while we are going to go back to the pool and swim and just sit around a bit and enjoy our last evening swim. The pool closes at 11 each night so we've been able to stay late.

I've loved the pool. I love the water and swimming and it has been pleasant to just sit and feel the warmth and the breeze. And a nice soak in the hot tub. I saw today they had a dry sauna and I wish we had known that to start. I love dry saunas.

We've also had lovely weather. Rain nearly each day but it never lasted long. Only one day did we have rain all day and we just stayed in and read.

So, tomorrow, I fly home and back to the real world. I will miss the lazy days of no worries and no demands on my time. I could get used to doing nothing but swimming, reading and writing each day.

I have been writing every day and I hope the posts will all be interesting. I know I've had fun with them. There will be a few videos but we didn't really bother with many photos either. There just seemed to be no call for them.