Our office switchboard is very busy . Not only do they answer the phone and transfer calls for 14 people, they greet every visitor and answer questions/ They also insure that each person gets the correct paperwork or receipts paperwork they are turning in. They don't have headsets and we have six lines that can ring all at once. So, waiting on a client and having to answer the phone can get a bit overwhelming.
Today, Nancy, one of the receptionists had a man she was helping at the front desk with paperwork. The phone rang and she said, "Good morning, Leased Housing. May I help you?"
The man she was helping looked at her strangly and said, "Don't you have to pick it up first?"
I asked what happened after that but she was laughing hysterically and couldn't tell me.
You never know what will happen in Section 8.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Busy A a June Bug?
Is a June Bug busy? I don' t know but I always try and come up with catchy titles so you'll read what I post!
I'm definitely a bit down this morning. Dave, Becca and Sarah spent the night with me last night. I was glad to have them because I could go to bed and not stress about it. Becca and Sarah went to church with me yesterday morning. Sarah loves the Sunday School class at my church and David had to work so, they went with me. That was nice. The two girls spent the day with me and Sarah and I took a nap together, a fun event.
That little doll baby is just about the sweetest child I've ever seen. Her daddy was a wonderful baby, too and so sweet but I spoiled him mercilessly and he's not done so well as an adult because of it. He has a hard road ahead of him. When everyone loves you as a child, you just don't get why some adults don't like you. But I have to hand it to Sarah's mother, she is doing a very good job with her. She is, of course a bit spoiled, but she is very obedient and polite for a two-year-old. But then, as I recall, so were my boys. Please, thank you, yes m'am and no m'am were common phrases we taught them. Actually, for the most part, David is doing well I guess but he's had a lot of struggles in the last half dozen years.
I just can't get over Sarah's speech abilities. We are constantly blown away by what she says. Her mother was getting onto her this past week about something and Sarah was walking down the hall. She said, "I'm just a little bit scared." She told me this week that she "needed to go home and take a break". We read book after book after book and she still doesn't get enough. As long as your voice will hold out, she will sit and listen to you read! She loves my old Dick and Jane readers I've collected. Any story, even if there are no pictures, she will listen to.
Last night I watched her as she tried to repeat a phrase I said. She made me repeat it over and over until she could say it and you could see her working it over in her mind. She stared off into space while I said it and when I finished, she would look at me seriously and say, "say it again". She's like a word machine.
She also makes word rhymes. Do they do that at two and a half? I thought rhyming was not until about 4 or 5. She sings a lot anyway but we hear her taking a word and rhyming it, kind of like that song from the 60's -The Name Game -and making a song of her own! She's never heard the song as far as I know. I don't even like it or own a copy of it. She knows dozens of song, too. I can't ever remember seeing a child that knew as many songs at that age. She is a constant source of amazement for me. I sometimes fear she is too smart, if there is such a thing. That comes with its own problems.
I finished a chapter of Mist last night. It was a very short one so I don't know if Alice will be happy but it took the story a step farther along. It is strange when this particular writing bug bites. You really don't want to do much else. And it has been a while since I could actually focus on such things. I am still not able to maintain it for long. I am looking forward to November's NaNoWriMo. It isn't that far away and maybe by then I won't be in the Pits of Doom quite so often. They don't let you out much here but I'd like to have a 30 day furlough if possible in November. I may get a 5th novel going! LOL, I'd like to get one finished. I've promised myself this weekend to start working more on the two stories I have in progress so I can see them finished and ready for a rewrite. I dread that thought.
My yard is so lovely since I've had someone treat it but it has been too hot to sit outside during the day most days. The evenings I am too lonely to sit there. I bought an umbrella and have yet to enjoy it for more than a few minutes. I'd like to be able to just sit and relax but my mind can't deal with that. I have to continually be doing something or I think too much. Crazy, huh?
I can't sustain the positive outlook for long. Life has become so complicated and I just want to rest and enjoy it. I can't. I can't make plans or dream or hope or anything. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. It is true. And hope destroyed is worse. I keep remembering that last month how we had suddenly begun to see daylight on some things and how we thought things were going to improve now, how we would be able to do some things for us. How we began to make real plans the way we had not done for so long. And then it all stopped, over night the world was turned upside down and every plan and dream emptied out and lost in the icy darkness. Now, in my mind I see this woman standing in the dark, her mouth opened in this long soundless scream. It never stops. That's strange, isn't it. Should I be worried that I see her so clearly? Is she me? I don't know. She's always there, in the dark places. I'm just thankful I can't hear her.
I'm definitely a bit down this morning. Dave, Becca and Sarah spent the night with me last night. I was glad to have them because I could go to bed and not stress about it. Becca and Sarah went to church with me yesterday morning. Sarah loves the Sunday School class at my church and David had to work so, they went with me. That was nice. The two girls spent the day with me and Sarah and I took a nap together, a fun event.
That little doll baby is just about the sweetest child I've ever seen. Her daddy was a wonderful baby, too and so sweet but I spoiled him mercilessly and he's not done so well as an adult because of it. He has a hard road ahead of him. When everyone loves you as a child, you just don't get why some adults don't like you. But I have to hand it to Sarah's mother, she is doing a very good job with her. She is, of course a bit spoiled, but she is very obedient and polite for a two-year-old. But then, as I recall, so were my boys. Please, thank you, yes m'am and no m'am were common phrases we taught them. Actually, for the most part, David is doing well I guess but he's had a lot of struggles in the last half dozen years.
I just can't get over Sarah's speech abilities. We are constantly blown away by what she says. Her mother was getting onto her this past week about something and Sarah was walking down the hall. She said, "I'm just a little bit scared." She told me this week that she "needed to go home and take a break". We read book after book after book and she still doesn't get enough. As long as your voice will hold out, she will sit and listen to you read! She loves my old Dick and Jane readers I've collected. Any story, even if there are no pictures, she will listen to.
Last night I watched her as she tried to repeat a phrase I said. She made me repeat it over and over until she could say it and you could see her working it over in her mind. She stared off into space while I said it and when I finished, she would look at me seriously and say, "say it again". She's like a word machine.
She also makes word rhymes. Do they do that at two and a half? I thought rhyming was not until about 4 or 5. She sings a lot anyway but we hear her taking a word and rhyming it, kind of like that song from the 60's -The Name Game -and making a song of her own! She's never heard the song as far as I know. I don't even like it or own a copy of it. She knows dozens of song, too. I can't ever remember seeing a child that knew as many songs at that age. She is a constant source of amazement for me. I sometimes fear she is too smart, if there is such a thing. That comes with its own problems.
I finished a chapter of Mist last night. It was a very short one so I don't know if Alice will be happy but it took the story a step farther along. It is strange when this particular writing bug bites. You really don't want to do much else. And it has been a while since I could actually focus on such things. I am still not able to maintain it for long. I am looking forward to November's NaNoWriMo. It isn't that far away and maybe by then I won't be in the Pits of Doom quite so often. They don't let you out much here but I'd like to have a 30 day furlough if possible in November. I may get a 5th novel going! LOL, I'd like to get one finished. I've promised myself this weekend to start working more on the two stories I have in progress so I can see them finished and ready for a rewrite. I dread that thought.
My yard is so lovely since I've had someone treat it but it has been too hot to sit outside during the day most days. The evenings I am too lonely to sit there. I bought an umbrella and have yet to enjoy it for more than a few minutes. I'd like to be able to just sit and relax but my mind can't deal with that. I have to continually be doing something or I think too much. Crazy, huh?
I can't sustain the positive outlook for long. Life has become so complicated and I just want to rest and enjoy it. I can't. I can't make plans or dream or hope or anything. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. It is true. And hope destroyed is worse. I keep remembering that last month how we had suddenly begun to see daylight on some things and how we thought things were going to improve now, how we would be able to do some things for us. How we began to make real plans the way we had not done for so long. And then it all stopped, over night the world was turned upside down and every plan and dream emptied out and lost in the icy darkness. Now, in my mind I see this woman standing in the dark, her mouth opened in this long soundless scream. It never stops. That's strange, isn't it. Should I be worried that I see her so clearly? Is she me? I don't know. She's always there, in the dark places. I'm just thankful I can't hear her.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Body Works
I had an appointment with my MD today. Everything was "super" as he put. My blood sugar was normal and this is the second reading for that. He wants to take me off my metformin (this helps the body utilize my insulin and keep those levels normal.) I do not take insulin and do not have full blown diabetes. I am resistant to my own insulin. We talked about it and then decided that since I've just started the PT and will be trying to work out after that is done, he will wait until my next physical before he will either reduce it or take me off of it completely.
Getting off the metformin would be great as long as I can keep my energy levels up. I was put on it because I was constantly exhausted. A test showed that I was insulin resistant. This is also known as metabolic syndrome. That means that when I eat, my body doesn't burn my food energy and it thinks I need more insulin. It release more insulin and continue to try and get the cells to absorb nutrients. Insulin is an inflammatory agent and the more you are releasing, the more inflammation and tired you get. You also develop things like RA, infertility, obesity, headache, high bp, and a host of other aliments. You don't have to be a diabetic to be insulin resistant. I probably was most of my life. I just didn't know it. I exercised for over 30 years and that kept it under control. When I stopped all the aerobics and gained weight, then I had a problem.
That is another reason he is waiting. He wants to be sure any tiredness is not related to metabolic problems or my emotional state and that the exercise has been sustained.
My A1c count was excellent, too. Now class, how many of you know what this means? LOL, none? Neither did I until this last year. You eye doctor needs to know this number also if you are insulin resistant or diabetic.
I don't know about cholesterol levels at this point. I don't think they checked it this time. Well, now you know the how the old body is working.
I am having a terrible time at night but I can't fix that so won't dwell on it today
Getting off the metformin would be great as long as I can keep my energy levels up. I was put on it because I was constantly exhausted. A test showed that I was insulin resistant. This is also known as metabolic syndrome. That means that when I eat, my body doesn't burn my food energy and it thinks I need more insulin. It release more insulin and continue to try and get the cells to absorb nutrients. Insulin is an inflammatory agent and the more you are releasing, the more inflammation and tired you get. You also develop things like RA, infertility, obesity, headache, high bp, and a host of other aliments. You don't have to be a diabetic to be insulin resistant. I probably was most of my life. I just didn't know it. I exercised for over 30 years and that kept it under control. When I stopped all the aerobics and gained weight, then I had a problem.
That is another reason he is waiting. He wants to be sure any tiredness is not related to metabolic problems or my emotional state and that the exercise has been sustained.
My A1c count was excellent, too. Now class, how many of you know what this means? LOL, none? Neither did I until this last year. You eye doctor needs to know this number also if you are insulin resistant or diabetic.
I don't know about cholesterol levels at this point. I don't think they checked it this time. Well, now you know the how the old body is working.
I am having a terrible time at night but I can't fix that so won't dwell on it today
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A Day in the Pool
Well, only an hour but you get it.
First day of physical therapy went fine. Walked in the pool, back and forth, for an hour. Forward, sideways, backward. An hour. Talked the whole time. I hate it when I do that. Lately, I can't stop talking and I feel like a crazy person doing that. Therapist was very nice and just let me gab on. Probably good for me too.
The pool was heated and I really wanted to just soak for hours. Even if the exercise doesn't help, the heat probably will. It was lovely. I go back Thursday.
So, now, I'm soooo tired. I am going to go to bed very soon. Thanks for all the notes and comments you have all sent me in the last 24 hours. They have all been such a blessing.
I feel as if God had sent people in my path the last couple of days. Today I had to leave work earlier than I planned. I just had a melt down and had to get out of the building. I went to pick up a fake owl for my porch since the pigeons suddenly are roosting under the awning! I hate them. I have poop all over my porch and steps. I couldn't even get in the house without tiptoeing.
Anyway, I went to Rural King, a sort of farm store with everything you can imagine in it. I was looking for motor oil for the mower. An attractive young man with a beard turned and smiled at me and I thought "I know you." In fact, I said it out loud. He smiled and and said, "Lewis." I was so surprised to see him. Jerry and I knew him from our old church about 10 years ago. He and I chatted about 30 minutes and it was just what I needed. He just shared with me what he felt the Lord was doing with him and it was so nice to hear. I remembered how kind he had always been to my sons and took the time to just talk with them and befriend them. Jerry and I both liked him and were glad he was a friend of our boys. He is a bit of an entrepreneur and always has his own business going. The last time I saw him it was small engine repair. He did some work for us. Just Saturday I noticed my mimosa tress in the back are dead and I told the Lord I needed someone to remove them. Guess what this young man is doing now? Tree removal!
So, I got his card and he will come give me a free estimate. I say young man. I think Lewis is in his late 30's, maybe a few years older than Mike, who is going to be 30 this year, but that seems young to me. I remember I asked him once why he never married. He said he was waiting for God to send him the right girl. I didn't get the chance to ask him today if he'd found her yet. He is one of those nice boys that ever mother hopes will find a nice girl.
As for my pigeons, he told me the city had released peregrine falcons in the downtown area and they feed on pigeons. They were trying to reduce the population. A light went off for me and I realized that what they have done is pushed the population out of the inner city and into the surrounding areas. They are looking for new nesting grounds. So, we shall see how my owl works. He's quite scary with his glassy eyes. And his head bobbles! I came around the edge of my house and was startled by him. LOL, I patted him on the head and said, "We'll see how the pigeons like you."
I had another couple who IM'd me from Florida. They recently left here and I had missed them at church. Found them on Face Book and they have been so kind to just encourage me and pray for me.
On Saturday I happened to run into another friend from my old church, a young woman who baby sat my boys. She's got children of her own now. I had seen her parents last year around November or December at McDonald's on my lunch hour. She told me Saturday that they had put her mother in the nursing home. She has stage six Alzheimer's. I was so upset when I had seen her last year to discover she had it but she had recognized me immediately and remembered my boys that day. So I had not idea how bad she was. It was heartbreaking when her husband told me. They are such wonderful people and were always so very kind to us. And they loved each other so much. I was sad and prayed for her for days. Now, to hear she doesn't know anyone is just terrible. I was glad I got to see her daughter and talk with her a bit.
So, I guess this weekend when I felt so alone and abandoned, God sent people that I had good memories of to give me a few smiles. And he kept you all writing to me to keep me focused. Thank you all for being my friends. Thank you for your prayers and support.
First day of physical therapy went fine. Walked in the pool, back and forth, for an hour. Forward, sideways, backward. An hour. Talked the whole time. I hate it when I do that. Lately, I can't stop talking and I feel like a crazy person doing that. Therapist was very nice and just let me gab on. Probably good for me too.
The pool was heated and I really wanted to just soak for hours. Even if the exercise doesn't help, the heat probably will. It was lovely. I go back Thursday.
So, now, I'm soooo tired. I am going to go to bed very soon. Thanks for all the notes and comments you have all sent me in the last 24 hours. They have all been such a blessing.
I feel as if God had sent people in my path the last couple of days. Today I had to leave work earlier than I planned. I just had a melt down and had to get out of the building. I went to pick up a fake owl for my porch since the pigeons suddenly are roosting under the awning! I hate them. I have poop all over my porch and steps. I couldn't even get in the house without tiptoeing.
Anyway, I went to Rural King, a sort of farm store with everything you can imagine in it. I was looking for motor oil for the mower. An attractive young man with a beard turned and smiled at me and I thought "I know you." In fact, I said it out loud. He smiled and and said, "Lewis." I was so surprised to see him. Jerry and I knew him from our old church about 10 years ago. He and I chatted about 30 minutes and it was just what I needed. He just shared with me what he felt the Lord was doing with him and it was so nice to hear. I remembered how kind he had always been to my sons and took the time to just talk with them and befriend them. Jerry and I both liked him and were glad he was a friend of our boys. He is a bit of an entrepreneur and always has his own business going. The last time I saw him it was small engine repair. He did some work for us. Just Saturday I noticed my mimosa tress in the back are dead and I told the Lord I needed someone to remove them. Guess what this young man is doing now? Tree removal!
So, I got his card and he will come give me a free estimate. I say young man. I think Lewis is in his late 30's, maybe a few years older than Mike, who is going to be 30 this year, but that seems young to me. I remember I asked him once why he never married. He said he was waiting for God to send him the right girl. I didn't get the chance to ask him today if he'd found her yet. He is one of those nice boys that ever mother hopes will find a nice girl.
As for my pigeons, he told me the city had released peregrine falcons in the downtown area and they feed on pigeons. They were trying to reduce the population. A light went off for me and I realized that what they have done is pushed the population out of the inner city and into the surrounding areas. They are looking for new nesting grounds. So, we shall see how my owl works. He's quite scary with his glassy eyes. And his head bobbles! I came around the edge of my house and was startled by him. LOL, I patted him on the head and said, "We'll see how the pigeons like you."
I had another couple who IM'd me from Florida. They recently left here and I had missed them at church. Found them on Face Book and they have been so kind to just encourage me and pray for me.
On Saturday I happened to run into another friend from my old church, a young woman who baby sat my boys. She's got children of her own now. I had seen her parents last year around November or December at McDonald's on my lunch hour. She told me Saturday that they had put her mother in the nursing home. She has stage six Alzheimer's. I was so upset when I had seen her last year to discover she had it but she had recognized me immediately and remembered my boys that day. So I had not idea how bad she was. It was heartbreaking when her husband told me. They are such wonderful people and were always so very kind to us. And they loved each other so much. I was sad and prayed for her for days. Now, to hear she doesn't know anyone is just terrible. I was glad I got to see her daughter and talk with her a bit.
So, I guess this weekend when I felt so alone and abandoned, God sent people that I had good memories of to give me a few smiles. And he kept you all writing to me to keep me focused. Thank you all for being my friends. Thank you for your prayers and support.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Vanity of Vanities and Mad Wanderings
The Bible says it is vain to sit up late and rise early. And pretty stupid, too. Well, it doesn't say that, I did. What a dope I am. Fell into an exhausted sleep around 12:30 last night. Up at 6:30 today. Average for me. I woke up once, maybe an hour or so later, because I thought I heard Jerry breathing. I sat straight up in bed. It was terrible. I could only lie back down with my heart pounding and go back to sleep.
Today, I'm just depressed. I have to go buy something tonight to wear in the pool for that physical therapy tomorrow. I didn't want to come to work today. I wanted to lie down and stay in bed for a few more hours. I probably wouldn't have but I wanted to.
I still haven't bought the laptop. I've looked at several and honestly, I like the Toshiba I tried at my sister's house. My nephew and niece both have one. They worked really well. There is one on sale at Office Depot. I may stop by there after work tonight.
I've just called the funeral home and asked for information on grief support groups. Obviously, I've been looking for support from the wrong people. And I know that I need people to talk to about this.
I sorry if people think I'm being petty by not understanding why people react the way they do or don't to me. I simply state my experience here. I don't justify the lack of action or inaction by anyone. It is what it is... or is not. I do not feel responsible for other people's insensitivity or lack compassion, or emotional handicaps. I'm certainly not able at this point to tell other people what the appropriate behavior is in dealing with grief stricken people. If you have a church with that ministry, wonderful. If you have a circle of friends who are "there" for you, I commend you on your choices. I thought I did, too. I've been mistaken before.
So, I will do what I have always done in every difficult situation in my life. I will take care of it myself. Do I sound angry? Maybe this is the anger phase. I sat home last night and realized how very alone I am. Only when crisis comes do we learn who we are and who actually cares about us. I have wonderful family. We are good people. Not perfect, but we love so clearly. Brothers who call to check on me. Sisters who call. Aunt, uncle,cousins.
I also have a friend at work who keeps tabs on me there. Her son died in September and I went to her home and took food and went the the funeral home and went to lunch with her and let her talk. Long before I needed the same favor. But she has done the same at work for me. Her husband has a serious heart condition and when he had a massive heart attack, I went to the hospital and sat with her for several hours. See, that isn't hard when you care for people. And it didn't inconvenience me.
But I'm hurt but the lack of Christians who think so little of me that they can't be bothered to just call me to say I love, care, appreciate, or am concerned about you. I drive 15 miles one way to church. That isn't far by city standards but when there are at least 5 other churches of my faith within five miles of my home, I think it says something about me. And when the church can't make a call to let those in need know someone is praying, concerned, or just interested in their welfare, that says something about them.
I just wrote four of the following paragraphs in an email to someone who was talking about the different ways people react to the loss of a spouse. It is true that no two people will behave the same way in a given situation.
"Losing a spouse is something I can't begin to describe to anyone. The trauma of losing your spouse is beyond what I could imagine. I lost my Mama when I was 17 and I remember crying for three weeks before she died because I was terrified of losing her. (remember the dream?) Jerry sat with me on dates and let me cry. We married a week after her death and he was there to get me through the worst of it. I thought that event was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It wasn't. I thought losing my first child was a horrible thing. I was in a severe depression for three months and considered killing myself. It was terrible but it doesn't compare to this. This literally shatters your life into a million fragments which you have to gather up and put back together. But you can't because some pieces are missing.
How well each person handles that damage can't be predicted. On the outside looking in it may seem that everything is o.k. I told my counselor I was a very good actress. I doubt anyone would know how I'm doing by looking at me unless they know me very well. Most of the time, I hold the facade together.
I see dozens of people a week and I can't just fall apart when the stress is high or when a memory slaps me in the face. I have no choice but to maintain my professional facade 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But as I mentioned, it is exhausting. I've been so tired today that I could hardly get through the day. This is just Monday! I am getting a shower and going to bed as soon as I can.
I suspect that the blow of Mama's death was tempered by Jerry. He held me up, he listened and he was just there. Had that not been the case, I would have fared much worse. She was my best friend and I had no one else to turn to. She was my grandmother and had raised me. My grandfather (Daddy) drank badly. So, my world was literally torn apart with her death. I had no place to go. Jerry kept it together for me.
This time, there is no bonding force, no emotional and moral support, no listening ear, no shoulder to cry on. I'm alone in this. And he was with me even longer than she was. The memories we shared are gone. I can't recover things he remembered that I don't. His perspective of events we both experienced are gone. The smile that said I was beautiful will never greet me again. One can't recover those things and I do not believe you can recover from the loss of them. I may survive, probably will but I will not be who I was. If I say my life is over, it is because it is. Dead and Buried. There is no way to resurrect it."
So, they say rebuild, start over, you're young. Do they really know what 35 years entails? Did I imagine the struggle of learning to live together, compromise, and adjusting to one another philosophies? Building a relationship, laying foundations, establishing a home, a family? Start over? Rebuild? How stupid.
Someone told me that another woman made the following comment, "She's a pretty woman. She'll find someone else." My question to that woman is, "Exactly how much do you love your husband?" Do you even imagine that it is that simple? What makes you think I want another husband?
I don't know where I'm going with this. It started early this morning and is ending at the end of my work day. I think I better stop before I go off the deep end. Pray for me if you do nothing else. I am so thankful for my Multiply friends. You do not know how much. Several of you have sent me PM's today and I thank you. They were much appreciated.
Maybe tomorrow I'll master nice.
Today, I'm just depressed. I have to go buy something tonight to wear in the pool for that physical therapy tomorrow. I didn't want to come to work today. I wanted to lie down and stay in bed for a few more hours. I probably wouldn't have but I wanted to.
I still haven't bought the laptop. I've looked at several and honestly, I like the Toshiba I tried at my sister's house. My nephew and niece both have one. They worked really well. There is one on sale at Office Depot. I may stop by there after work tonight.
I've just called the funeral home and asked for information on grief support groups. Obviously, I've been looking for support from the wrong people. And I know that I need people to talk to about this.
I sorry if people think I'm being petty by not understanding why people react the way they do or don't to me. I simply state my experience here. I don't justify the lack of action or inaction by anyone. It is what it is... or is not. I do not feel responsible for other people's insensitivity or lack compassion, or emotional handicaps. I'm certainly not able at this point to tell other people what the appropriate behavior is in dealing with grief stricken people. If you have a church with that ministry, wonderful. If you have a circle of friends who are "there" for you, I commend you on your choices. I thought I did, too. I've been mistaken before.
So, I will do what I have always done in every difficult situation in my life. I will take care of it myself. Do I sound angry? Maybe this is the anger phase. I sat home last night and realized how very alone I am. Only when crisis comes do we learn who we are and who actually cares about us. I have wonderful family. We are good people. Not perfect, but we love so clearly. Brothers who call to check on me. Sisters who call. Aunt, uncle,cousins.
I also have a friend at work who keeps tabs on me there. Her son died in September and I went to her home and took food and went the the funeral home and went to lunch with her and let her talk. Long before I needed the same favor. But she has done the same at work for me. Her husband has a serious heart condition and when he had a massive heart attack, I went to the hospital and sat with her for several hours. See, that isn't hard when you care for people. And it didn't inconvenience me.
But I'm hurt but the lack of Christians who think so little of me that they can't be bothered to just call me to say I love, care, appreciate, or am concerned about you. I drive 15 miles one way to church. That isn't far by city standards but when there are at least 5 other churches of my faith within five miles of my home, I think it says something about me. And when the church can't make a call to let those in need know someone is praying, concerned, or just interested in their welfare, that says something about them.
I just wrote four of the following paragraphs in an email to someone who was talking about the different ways people react to the loss of a spouse. It is true that no two people will behave the same way in a given situation.
"Losing a spouse is something I can't begin to describe to anyone. The trauma of losing your spouse is beyond what I could imagine. I lost my Mama when I was 17 and I remember crying for three weeks before she died because I was terrified of losing her. (remember the dream?) Jerry sat with me on dates and let me cry. We married a week after her death and he was there to get me through the worst of it. I thought that event was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It wasn't. I thought losing my first child was a horrible thing. I was in a severe depression for three months and considered killing myself. It was terrible but it doesn't compare to this. This literally shatters your life into a million fragments which you have to gather up and put back together. But you can't because some pieces are missing.
How well each person handles that damage can't be predicted. On the outside looking in it may seem that everything is o.k. I told my counselor I was a very good actress. I doubt anyone would know how I'm doing by looking at me unless they know me very well. Most of the time, I hold the facade together.
I see dozens of people a week and I can't just fall apart when the stress is high or when a memory slaps me in the face. I have no choice but to maintain my professional facade 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But as I mentioned, it is exhausting. I've been so tired today that I could hardly get through the day. This is just Monday! I am getting a shower and going to bed as soon as I can.
I suspect that the blow of Mama's death was tempered by Jerry. He held me up, he listened and he was just there. Had that not been the case, I would have fared much worse. She was my best friend and I had no one else to turn to. She was my grandmother and had raised me. My grandfather (Daddy) drank badly. So, my world was literally torn apart with her death. I had no place to go. Jerry kept it together for me.
This time, there is no bonding force, no emotional and moral support, no listening ear, no shoulder to cry on. I'm alone in this. And he was with me even longer than she was. The memories we shared are gone. I can't recover things he remembered that I don't. His perspective of events we both experienced are gone. The smile that said I was beautiful will never greet me again. One can't recover those things and I do not believe you can recover from the loss of them. I may survive, probably will but I will not be who I was. If I say my life is over, it is because it is. Dead and Buried. There is no way to resurrect it."
So, they say rebuild, start over, you're young. Do they really know what 35 years entails? Did I imagine the struggle of learning to live together, compromise, and adjusting to one another philosophies? Building a relationship, laying foundations, establishing a home, a family? Start over? Rebuild? How stupid.
Someone told me that another woman made the following comment, "She's a pretty woman. She'll find someone else." My question to that woman is, "Exactly how much do you love your husband?" Do you even imagine that it is that simple? What makes you think I want another husband?
I don't know where I'm going with this. It started early this morning and is ending at the end of my work day. I think I better stop before I go off the deep end. Pray for me if you do nothing else. I am so thankful for my Multiply friends. You do not know how much. Several of you have sent me PM's today and I thank you. They were much appreciated.
Maybe tomorrow I'll master nice.
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