Junkyard Living in the State of Depression

Yes! Yes! Yes! Another Friday is here. I survived another week! Can't believe it. And I am much better tonight. Bit ticked off but much better. Do ya'll think I stay that way?

I do feel better but I had a bit of help. Prayed first and then was remined by a voice at my shoulder that I have several nutritional supplements that I have not been taking in ah... well.... awhile. Alpha lipoic acid, B complex, Ginko Biloba, Gensing, Milk Thistle... all good for insulin metabolism. But one is St. John's Wort.

Goodness, yes, I get depressed. You couldn't tell? People with my disorder are already chemically unbalanced. That's CHEMICALLY unbalanced, I said! They can suffer from depression brought on by imbalances in their insulin. Basic chem.

Years ago, oh about nine, I became so severely depressed that I was suicidal. Talked to God; talked to my doctor. God was the only one who listened. He told me I had a great mind and could figure this out. I agreed with Him. So, I went to the library and checked out a dozen medical books on women's health issues. I started researching for causes of depression. Did you know that lots of things can cause depression and it is not all demonic? Really! Diet, lack of sleep, stress, and many health conditions such as diabetes, high blood pressure, hormone imbalances, menopause . . . well, you can see the list is long.

So, once I found potential causes in myself, I began self-medicating with nutritional supplements based on my extensive research. Bad diet can cause depression but I had medical problems on top of financial stress (we were both unemployed for almost two years), on top of family crisises. I was a mess but with much prayer, proper nutrition and more prayer, in six months I was a new woman. I took St. John's Wort for three years beginning with one pill, 3x a day and by the third year was down to one pill, once a day.

Then one day, I went off them all together. Never had another episode, except when I am very stressed and short of sleep, both of which make each other worse. But in the last two years now I have taken SJW once and then only for about three days.

But about Wednesday, the big guy standing at my shoulder said I should take the things I knew were good for me and would help me feel much better in a couple of days. This week I have taken it again. In two days I am feeling much better and have slept better. And the lights are back on, dim, but on.

I am sure there are those out there who will have their own idea of depression but save it. I don't care. I know what worked. And tonight, I am living proof that once again listenting to that quiet voice at my shoulder is always a good thing.

WARNING: Herbal supplements can have severe side effects and may interact with some medications. NEVER take an herbal supplement until you discuss it with your doctor and with a pharmacist. I suggest you obtain a good book that will give you thorough information on supplements and herbal medicines. I did not discuss taking herbals with a doctor because the doctor was not listening when I talked about my depression. My repeated statements that something was wrong were ignored and I got sicker.

Not until I changed doctors did I find one who was very open to natrual medicines and worked with me. I was "well" by the time he saw me and his comment was, "Whatever you are doing is working so I don't want to mess with it." So, do your research and if your doctor will not discuss it with you, find another doctor. Expensive prescriptions with dangerous side effects are not always necessary.

You MUST not take St John's Wort with any other anti-depressant medication! Seek medical help if you are severely depressed. My way is NOT the best way. I had no choice. I had to find help where I could or die. As for prayer, it will help you get better and/or help you find the strength you need to seek help. It certainly won't hurt you... unless you have bad knees. But a pillow works wonders for that.

Bloggy Mountain Breakdown

The two post prior to this one were actually done Thursday night and then Friday around noon, respectively. I tried to post them both when I did them but the system kept telling me there was an error. It was nerve wracking, let me tell you. I am still new at this blog stuff and I have no idea of the havoc that can result from one misspent message. Is that how you spell misspent?

I kept getting a message that said an engineer was contacted and would check the problem. Never one to trust engineers, (everything ends up on a diagram that even other engineers can't read) I had my doubts. But I guess he did because now it is working and I actually did three post!

I am tired and I am going to bed. No late night carousing on the web tonight.

The Long Road Home

It's Friday. Is there any day more lovely than Friday? Friday, 5:00 p.m. is the loveliest time of the week. When I reach that place, there will be dancing and music. I will hear choirs singing.

Friday, 5:00 p.m., the end of the weekly journey to Hell and Back!

I am hours from there.

I hate long drives.

Searching for the Oasis

The struggle to survive seems so very exhausting at times. You look for places to lie in the shade and sleep for just a few minutes so you can continue the journey but the desert surrounds you and there is no water in this land.

You look for a different road to turn and there is no road at all. The desert wind blows sand in your face, and scours you mind and heart. You can't build here because when you try and lay the foundation for a shelter, the winds shift the sand and your walls come down. You are raw and broken, and so very tired.

So you continue to trudge through the drifts. Hoping, hoping so hard for a place to rest, for a green oasis where cool grass will refresh your eyes and cool water soothe your parched throat, and you can lie back and close your eyes in the shade for just a moment. Just until strength returns and your heart quiets. A place where all the world is quiet for just a moment and you can forget.

I only know of one thing to do but I still feel so defeated that even prayer seems a failure. Did you ever reach a place where you looked up to the face of God and said, "Let me rest. Let me just put my head here in your lap, for a little while, and rest. Give me peace so that my soul can rest. I am so weary and I just want to rest."

I have.

Some Days Life Is A Challenge

I am on my lunch hour. Eating in the office. I hate doing that but the lunch was free and since they say there are no free lunches I thought I should take advantage of an apparent one.

I usually have to get out of the building because I need a break from the stress. Today, I am doing that by blogging. Have you seen how many I have done in three days. That is what stress will do to you! I said in a very early post that this was my opportunity to rant. I think I have proven it.

Did you ever get so sleepy that you could literally slide off your chair into a puddle? I feel that way now, after eating. That is not a good thing. I have metabolic disorder called insulin resistance. Not diabetes ... yet. It is a precursor. I think it is getting worse but can't be sure. I take a medicine called metformin that aids in insulin utilization. I could tell the difference immedialy after I started taking it. But now, some days, I don't know.

Diet is a major factor in diabetes. I try not to eat a lot of sweets, but I do eat some. Sadly, despite what the "experts" would have you believe, it is NOT cheaper to buy foods that are good for you than it is to buy food that are bad for you. You go try and buy ground beef. The leaner the meat the higher the price. And go try and buy a sugar free desert item. Higher than the one with sugar. Try buying fresh fruit and vegetables. Way more than canned and the cheapest canned is nasty! We all know that the nutritional value of canned is very poor when compared to fresh. So, if you have a metabolic disorder they would rather you be on medicine... which cost more than food!

My biggest problem is not enough physical exercise. I need to move! But there are too many things I want to do, too many thoughts I want to think, too many books I want to read! I don't have time to exercise. And then there is sleep. I just never get enough, ergo, I am sleepy at noon!

So, today I am trying to stay awake, think positive, and get a lot of stuff done. Some days life is a challenge, isn't it?

Fitting End to an Unfit Day

It's over. Today, or rather yesterday now, is over. What a day. But in some respects it was good for me.

My little run in with my little co-worker was good. I was so distressed when that happened that I closed my office door and just prayed about it. I wanted to brain the brainless. But I prayed. And moments later I got an email from a wonderful lady that gave me some comfort even though she had no idea of what was happening.

I email her back and told her that her message had helped me and I explained, much briefer than I explained below, what had happened. I asked her to keep me in her prayers. I went back to work.

In the mean time, later that afternoon, another co-worker came and told me that she had asked the thoughtless one "what was that all about". Co-worker #1 told co-worker #2 that she had made a mistake. She had failed to read an email that would have explained what was going on. Of course she could have asked but she didn't. DUH! Did she come to me and say she was sorry for her behavior? No. I guess that would make her look bad.

Will she apologize? She might. This is not the first time she has done something like this. This is the third such incident with her in the last six months. She did apologize once before. Even if she doesn't forgiveness is required but I doubt I will ever see her the same way again. How foolish people are and how careless of the things that should be valued. Until recently, I had considered this coworker a friend. Today proved how much she thought of me.

Ten minutes after this happened I checked my email and I had a reply from my email friend. She told me she had prayed for me immediately. She had even written her prayer in the email and sent it to me. And the issue, for me anyway, was already resolved before I knew she had prayed over it.

Needless to say, but I will, I sent her a quick reply to say that God is good! And confirmation of His control is wonderful when you are stressed. I needed that confirmation to lift up a very beaten spirit.

God IS good.... all the time.

Is the World Filled Idiots?

I am trying not to allow nasty people to control my life but some days it is difficult. I had a co-worker come into my office while I was doing some work. She began to berate me because she did not like the way I was doing it. Her reason was that "you're trying to make the rest of us look bad". How stupid is that? Standing in the hall ranting because I was working.

If you have enough time on your hands that you can walk to my office and scream through the doorway about how my working is making everyone else look bad.... How difficult it is? I am last on a long hallway... everyone but the director is at least two offices, an exit hall, and stairwell away from me. When 5 people on this hall are gone, now one can hear me if I am in trouble.

Here's the deal. We have to send out approximately 200 packets a month. We generally do this in the kitchen as a group either in the a.m. or after lunch. No time is ever set we just meet and do it. We also share phone duty because we are short staffed and my duty today was at 9:00 a.m. Some people just don't like doing the packets and will straggle in but it doesn't matter because those doing it just do it.

But this morning, a bit before 8, I was getting water to have at my desk and I saw the packets on the table and thought I'd just get them done. Another coworker did all the letters and lables yesterday. So, I picked up the packets and brought them to my office, got envelopes and sat down to stuff them.

While I was doing this, a second coworker stopped by and asked if she could help. I said sure but I want to do them at my desk. I stuffed, she stampped the return and we both then put on address lables for approximately 165 packets. That left only putting the letters in the envelopes, lables on the files, and letter copy in the file! So, is this a problem so far? I didn't think so.

During the process, the crazy co-worker came in, actually stood in the hallway and wanted to know why I had come to my office with all the packets to stuff them. I said I just wanted to do it and sit at my desk. She proceeded to tell me I had no business doing it that way, everyone was supposed to do the packets. Her comment was that I would go to my supervisor and make everyone else look bad for not helping. I explained I had not asked for help and I was not the person in the department who carried tales to the director. I had simply chosen to do the envelopes early at my desk and what was the problem! She accused me of trying to start a fight! My response was that she came to my office, I did not go to hers.

She continued to rant and rave about how it made everyone else look bad for me to do them like this. I informed her she could go pick up the letters and files and sit at her desk and do them if she wanted to.

Incidentally, this is the same moron who was on phone duty the day my husband broke his hand and she was too busy to leave the desk and let me know I had an emergency phone call. Yet she has ample time to leave her office to rant and rave at me because she doesn't like the way I am working! SHE might look bad.

Someone tell me exactly what this is all about. Is the world filled with idiots?

Road Rash of The Soul

What weekend! Rain, thunder, lightening. It was wonderful. I love storms and could sit and watch for hours. I have a story on my website called Out Running the Storm. The site link is at left.

For some reason I am at a place where it seems the road has ended and I have no where to turn. And I just drive around in circles. I can't explain it better than that. Sunday night I went to church early so I could go to the prayer room. Sometimes, often in fact, prayer is the only thing that helps. It was one of those times when I felt like someone who has just wiped out on a motorcycle... you know, road rash of the soul. If I close my eye, I can visualize vast quantities of my inner self stripped of skin, bruised, scrapped, raw, and unable to pick myself up. And I want to scream in pain.

The trip to the prayer room did help. I did pray, for me and others but the strangest thing happened. I suddenly found myself praying, "Hide me." Yes, I was saying over and over, "Hide me." It was very strange but I realized it was what I wanted so much that it hurt. I just want to slip off somewhere and hide, put my head on a pillow and curl up in a warm, dark cave and feel that someone else was worrying about things outside. I wish it were that simple. Yes, I feel better but road rash takes a while to heal. And I still have to find the road.

I also suffered from a migarine that started on Saturday and lasted until Sunday afternoon. Believe it or not, a cup of coffee helped! I usually take Imitrex but unfortunately, at the moment, I am not able to pay the co-pay on it and so have nothing to take. Spring and fall are the worst times of the year for me in regard to migraines. I seem to get more during those times than any other.

I am a bit annoyed at myself, too. I have not been writing lately. I got back on that history board and totally derailed. I am also behind in sewing for Becca. I have several things cut out and ready to sew. Must get those done this week. She won't have any clothes if I don't.

Now it is Tuesday, and my post is a day late. I gotta get back in a groove! I hope this week is uneventful.

The Clocks are Ticking!

Ok, everyone, look up. See that little bar with the baby? That tells us approximately where we are on the baby scale. Isn’t that cute? Another way to tell time.

Speaking of time, if you look to the left you will see the list of months in which I made a post. Did anyone realize this is the fifth month since I started this blog? I certainly didn't. I can't believe it has been that long. It feels like a few weeks ago but looking at that list tells me I am wrong.

It goes back to that time dilation thing I mentioned in an earlier post. A moving clock runs faster than a stationery one. I am telling you, that Einstein was a real genius. It is an interesting theory and one I seem to be able to prove at the drop of a hat! I find it utterly engrossing to think that a little thing like gravity can affect time. And the Bible mentions this fact. “One day is as a thousand years with the Lord.” God’s time moves at a different, and faster, rate than ours.

Gravity: Grave consequence; seriousness or importance[1] ALSO The natural force of attraction between any two massive bodies, which is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. [2]

We don’t have the luxury on earth to pick the amount of gravity exerted on us. We can’t adjust it. There could be serious consequences with more or less gravity. With less gravity we weigh less (yahoo!), can run faster, jump higher, and our joints just might last longer. More gravity would mean we would be heavier, have difficulty running, jumping, and could be crushed under the weight over time.

Yes, gravity can affect your whole life. Choices with consequence equal problems, exerting a force against you. The farther you are from the problem, the least amount of force it exerts on you. We all know that worse a situation gets the slower the clock moves!

According to Einstein, everything is relative. We may be stuck on planet earth at the moment, but we choose the level of gravity we live in. Gravity = Problems x distance. G=Pd Whoa, dude! Algebra!

Notes:

Einstein’s Universe by Nigel Calder – a good book for a novice with a basic background in earth sciences that did not include physics (like me). Explains a lot of good stuff about Einstein’s theories that are truly awesome when contemplated from a Christian viewpoint. And they were easy to understand. Does take a bit of time to read unless you are riveted by physics, even though it is a slim book of less than 150 pages. Me, I get riveted by anything that has to do with time, creation, and stars. I fumble around in the morass until I get some sense.

Also, any book by Hugh Ross, Ph.D. in astral physics AND the founder of Reason’s to Believe. His books are tremendous for Christians who believe there is a scientific foundation to creation that can be supported by the Bible. This is NOT for short time span creationist. He believes in long creations days. When I say long I mean in terms of time, thousands of years. I pretty much agree with him and believe the Bible supports that belief.

[1]Excerpted from American Heritage Talking Dictionary. Copyright © 1997 The Learning Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
[2]Excerpted from American Heritage Talking Dictionary. Copyright © 1997 The Learning Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.