The truth is, I think it's me. I expected more stability in life. There was this idea, at one point long ago, that I'd grow up and live happily ever after. I was very wrong. Although I was happy for a long time. Not sure I realized it then, but in hindsight, I was happy, even through the difficult times. And they became difficult, became nearly unbearable. Then life became the stuff of nightmares. At least, for me. Those were times happiness was a memory.
I survived.
Today, I have no pain. Those days are rare. When I have no pain, I suppose you could say I'm happy. When I'm with my family, I'm happy. I get calls that make me happy. Sometimes, when I'm writing, I'm happy. I have times when I am reading my Bible and I fall into a rabbit hole, that I get excited. All those moments, I'm happy.
Sometimes, like today, I have something I must get done, and the weather is beautiful. I'm not just happy. I'm alive. I can feel it. I enjoy being outside. But I don't go out much. Why? That's a good question. I live in a horrible-weather state, and one never knows when it is safe to breathe. It matters. Days like today are rare.
But it's not that simple. There are things rolling around in my head that require answers I can't provide. Whys, what-ifs, and hows. They are like biting flies. No matter how much you bat at them, they keep coming back. There are always problems to solve, some big, some small, some impossible. I think the impossible ones are the worst. Things I would like to know, see, do, hear that I can't ever know, see, do or hear.
Yes, I worry over them. Some keep me awake at night. Others haunt both my day and night. I have little hope of solving any of them.
I told a friend I wanted to know everything. Of course, I know that won't happen.
What I'd really like is everything resolved. I'd like the world righted. Things where they belong. I'd like to be happy again.
Somewhere on this blog, there is a post that says happiness is over-rated. That's probably still true. I don't know if we can ever actually maintain a state of happiness. I doubt it. Happiness forms islands in the sea of life. There's always a storm at sea, but just over there... yeah, a little island you can rest on.
For now, I don't really know which end is up, but I might stop at the next island.
