A Rambling Mess

A week has come and gone and I've not posted anything worth reading here. I'm fairly exhausted but I am so thankful it is Friday. My feet have been giving me fits and my back has been a pain... well, in my back.

If you remember I cleaned out the shed last weekend and installed cabinets. Was that last weekend? Whoa. I've been punished all week. In clearing out the shed I pulled out about seven boxes of paper. One contains our medical records. One contained all Jerry's military & VA records, at least it seems like all of it. The rest are boxes of bank records, school records for all of us, college for the adults and both boys school stuff from elementary to graduation.

My school stuff alone was a whole file box filled with every note I took and research papers, except for a few that I have stored in a binder of other writing pieces. My notes were awesome. My geology notebooks ... I used three different color pens to do my notes and diagrams. . . in both of them!And they were so neat and organized. I almost didn't want to destroy them. I told David, "I was a good student.... I was flippin' crazy!"

Wednesday night I began the tedious process of sorting to determine if there was anything in them that needed saving. I began with the military files first. This was difficult. I learned things that I should have known, probably did know and denied. Jerry was having problems much farther back than even I realized. It wouldn't have made any difference if I had known then and as I read through the records I wondered what I would have done if I'd realized.

I spent hours looking through my journalism file, reading the notes my professor made, smiling because he was so kind and supportive. I read some of the articles I wrote. It was a nice little jaunt into the past. I sent him a note afterward telling him how much I enjoyed revisiting them and he thanked me for sharing it.

Tonight, I sorted two boxes and it was bank stuff, statements and receipts, some of David's home school stuff. I'd found all of Mike's report cards the first night. I read over his evaluations and realized that all the problems he had in school he is still having to deal with today. Nothing has changed and there's no help for him. That was depressing.

I still have two boxes left and then I have to revisit the military records. I am burning things in the grill and with the quantity I have it will take weeks at this rate. The other two boxes are probably more bank stuff and Mike's social security records I kept for two and a half decades. Once this is all done, I need to start on stuff in the files in the house. And then the closets. At least, no one will have to do this when I'm gone.

The result of all this shuffling is a messy house, the den, anyway. I'm very uncomfortable with disarray. I don't ever remember being this distracted by it until after Jerry died. Once I cleaned everything out it is as if I became uncomfortable with clutter to the point I become very agitated when I'm confronted with it. My house is small and it doesn't take long to fill it up. These days I find that I crave open space rather than crowded rooms.

Sometime in the last week I realized I'll probably never remarry. I don't know why I think that. I'm sure several things are responsible. I don't know any single males my age who I'm remotely interested in. I don't live in a city where I'm likely to meet them. I'm concerned I'd meet some domineering tyrant that will treat me like property. My criteria are rather high and I'm pretty certain no one will ever live up to them. And there is this small part of my brain that says, I don't deserve to ever have anyone. So.

Bit much? I can't apologize. This blog is not your usual blog. I have always pledged to myself to speak the truth about what I think or feel because that is what it is about. I'm not concerned about whether people like it or agree with it. It is the story of my Life on the Ledge.

I have been missing Multiply, my old blog site. I read Jilly's blogs this past week and realized I missed reading about her family and life in the village and Simon's latest project. I miss reading some other's as well. Chris still post now and then about her family but it seems many of them don't post stuff much anymore. I read those of the new friends I've found here and on G+ and I enjoy them. I think it was the fact that we made more of an effort to stay in contact then. But two failed social sites is a bit much so I understand people not wanting to rebuild that kind of community again. Facebook just doesn't do much for me. I'm there and I have several friends from Multiply and from NaNo there I stay in contact with. It simply is not the same. But then, neither am I.

Tomorrow I have a few things I want to attempt to do. Laundry is top of the list. Work on the boxes, which shouldn't take but an hour or so. Get stuff to fix the den/kitchen pass through window so it is functional on the den side now that the cabinet covers 2/3rds of it. I have sewing I am itching to do. I would love a nice long weekend with no one around but me. I'm glad I'm able to help David but I do miss having times of solitude. He's planning on taking Sarah to something in the morning so I'll have a couple of hours I hope.

For now I'll say good night. I'm tired and achy and I've forgot my meds again. Not sure what kind of night it will be for me as a result of that.