It was a lovely day that has liquefied. Still, I like rain so I'm good. It has messed up my plans for my walk. Thunder is rumbling overhead so I can't even go with an umbrella.
It is about time I rev'd up the walk schedule a bit. I've only been able to go a couple of times a week but I need to add a couple more days. I think I've worked out the best route, despite Sarah trying to kill me on the huge hill at the cemetery. It is a 21 feet elevation. That may not sound like much but believe me, you feel it. I thought of adding distance first but I am going to stick with the 10 minute walk and work up to several days a week and then I hope to do twice a day, morning (ouch) and evening.
I am dismally behind in my writing. I've been so tired at night that I barely get a thousand words. Still, I'm plodding along. I go until I can't. I need 2000 a night until the 31st. Not good.
Now, I've got to go and make tuna salad for supper. I've had indigestion all day. The onion rings for lunch probably didn't help but that's all I wanted. I stopped and got them and came home for lunch. Once I finished, I lay down for about half an hour. I didn't get to sleep but I did doze a few minutes. I need to do that more often. Get something really easy for lunch and just rest. I feel better in the afternoon, when I usually have my crash.
So, tuna salad and then write.
A short while later.....
Tuna salad done and it was delicious.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Day 10
I trudged along, uphill, fighting off mosquitoes, biting gnats, and assorted other pests. The trail was muddy, slippery, and on one side was a 8000 foot drop, straight down. I slogged on despite the obstacles. The end of my journey lay up there, at 21000 feet. Oops... sorry. Actually, that's me working on Camp NaNoWriMo. It is day 10 and I should be at 10,000 words. I'm at 8,029. I'm behind, as I have been for over a week. I missed several days writing and that is not the way to do any NaNo. Still, I'm plodding along. And despite the perils, I am enjoying the trip.
It has been a busy week and I've had Sarah several nights. It is hard to write with her here. It is very odd really. I never had trouble writing with my boys around. They just knew to entertain themselves when I was writing. Unfortunately, Sarah is an only child and so had no one to play with and so she wants to play with the grownups.
I'm exhausted tonight and about to turn in but felt I should at least boast a bit about my progress. This story is turning out different from what I was thinking when I started it. It began as one thing and has become something else entirely. I do not know what category it fits in. I don't have a title. I don't know what it all means. I suppose the characters will reveal it eventually. I am a bit out of my depth since it has been a long time since I was 18. However, I do remember that at 18 I was married a year. Marley is still very naive in ways I wasn't. So, I guess we watch to see how she changes.
One thing I do know, I feel better in the story than I do in my life. That should be a clue. Stay in the stories.
Camp NaNoWriMo 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Assimilate or Die
I just realized that my ticker just turned over the 30,000 mark sometime in the last week or so. I haven't been watching it very closely. I have no idea what it means. I saw on one of my blogs last week that something had received more that 89,000 +1s. Don't know what that means either but obviously not that people were reading it. Please, if you don't read it, don't plus it. That makes no sense to me and indicates you're simply trying to impress me. You didn't.
No, I'm not in a good mood. The stupid story is plodding along but not for four days. I've had my hands full with insanity and simply haven't had the time, energy, or desire to write. I have been reading and crocheting. I had to keep my mind occupied so the atmosphere in the asylum wouldn't send me totally over the edge. It is unfortunate that when people are miserable they think they need to share that misery with others they hate. When it is someone I care about it makes it even harder to get my head around. And I grow weary of it.
To be honest, Dave and I had the most peaceful weekend imaginable. We even commented on it several times. We had Sarah and we took turns spending a lot of time doing things with her. She was absolutely so sweet all weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone and no interruptions of any kind! Two days of quiet enjoyment and getting things done. Sunday afternoon gets here and things go to hell pretty quickly.
I went to church but by the time I got home I was exhausted. We got Sarah on Friday evening. Her mom was going out of town and Sarah had battled an ear infection all week but ear infections I know. As a result of being sick I think she'd got her sleep scheduled out of whack and had slept late on Friday. She was still having ear problems Friday night when we got her and had meds to take. So she didn't go to bed till late that night. Around 3 a.m. she woke me up freezing and crying. She had a fever. I gave her medicine for it and she went back to sleep after a bit. Anyway, she slept late Saturday, too but she seemed to feel much better and no fever. But she had a hard time getting to bed that night too because she wasn't tired. As a result we were both tired on Sunday morning. She napped in church. But I had to go to bed when I got home I was practically a zombie. Two nights of very late hours took its toll and if I didn't sleep I'd be in bad shape soon. Dave took care of her but he was tired, too. He lay down around 3 and Sarah lay down with me.
I don't have phones in my bedroom any longer. They are in the living room and in the study. You can't hear them except in the rooms they are in unless you are awake. We weren't. My cell phone was in my purse on the other end of the house. Really, I dropped everything and went straight to bed after church. So, when Sarah's mom started calling no one answered the phones and this apparently causes a tear in the space time continuum and this results in a black hole, from which there is no escape. Well, were told she'd be back late Sunday afternoon but we certainly didn't expect a return from Branson, Missouri by 1 on Sunday when she didn't leave till after 10 on Saturday! It is a six and a half hour drive one way! My opinion is, she didn't really go to Branson but I don't care. It isn't my concern. You want a break I can sure understand that.Why lie? But the penalty for not hearing the phones and answering immediately is a federal offense equated with kidnapping. We took Sarah home around five or six. Peaceful weekend over.
I get a text during church that she needs her car seat that Mike had when he took Sarah to the doctor. I tell her I'm in church and will have to go home to get it. I'm on my way home from church and it is right at 9 p.m. I call Dave to see if he can work with me. Too much trouble for him. I took care of it.
Mike, who went to church too, goes after the seat and meets me with it. I call to tell her I have the seat. We get something to eat and it is nearly 10 p.m. I call and tell her I have the seat. I call and guess what... she isn't there to get the seat. It is my fault of course because I told her I was home and would have to wait till after church. What?
I leave it at the door at her request via phone call. I go home. The chaos is in full reign. I don't know what happened after that on Dave's end. Sometime around the time delivering the seat, David starts getting nasty grams. Why? I don't know. I don't care. It's unnecessary.
He's called to say good night to Sarah. but she told him she was not with Sarah. What? Sarah was at a sitter. What? So why couldn't he keep her tonight? Yes, she knew I was off today. Who? She doesn't have to tell him and he needs to call before 9 from now on. What? Uh, he has a right to know where his daughter is if she is not with her mother and he has a right to know who the sitter is. He quotes the guidelines for Indiana and will show the judge the texts in the morning. Suddenly he can talk to Sarah and know who the sitter is.
Really? Really? Was all that really necessary. Why would anyone even go to those lengths to aggravate the man. He ask to say good night to his child around 9:30 p.m. He cares about his daughter. But it became more important to control his actions than to let her know that. Wow.
She doesn't get why he won't talk to her on the phone. I've witnessed many of those calls and read the text messages of both of them. I understand his reasons. He is a non-violent and passive personality who refuses to argue with anyone. Even me. She isn't. A passive person can't talk to someone who is always right, always going to be right, even when they are wrong. You can't be friends with someone who is always going to be in charge, demands constant attention and will always get the last word. And their word is all that matters. It is impossible to build a relationship with that kind of person because it is all one sided. They run the show and if you don't like the show you can lump it but you have to attend the show. It is why no relationship ever survives controlling personalities. They do not compromise. They do not yield. They do not concede any ground. They take everything and suck the other parties dry. And other controlling people they meet are quickly disposed of because they can't be controlled so easily. There is no "what do you think about it?" It is "Here's how it is."
Let me be clear on this. I'm suffering the consequences. I lost someone I loved very much. I attempt to keep a relationship going for both Sarah and her mother's sake. Because when I love someone, I don't just throw them away because they screw up. Even when it hurts me. I still love them. I keep trying to reach out and be a support because I know what it means to be alone and feel unloved. In this case I now struggle to do it. I'm getting tired. I care but controlling personalities destroy more than they create. They push away people who actually try to care about them. Because they can't allow the person to be an individual and they can't accept any reality but the one they create. When they fail to channel their energy in constructive ways control freaks are destructive. And they make big mistakes in their personal lives. They fail at many things. . . a lot.
I suspect control freaks are actually Borgs. If you never watch Star Trek you won't get that reference but you can Google it. In nearly all their encounters, they exhibit no desire for negotiation or reason, only assimilation. Their catch phrase is "Resistance is futile." The Borg directive is to become perfect by recreating everyone in their likeness. Ultimately, in the Borg culture, you must assimilate or die. People who are Borgs create an environment of hostility and aggression. Everyone in their world will comply or be destroyed in some fashion.
It is a great sadness when you care about them.
What happened to "I'd never use Sarah as a weapon" or "You can have her whenever you want her" or oh crap, any of the lies people tell when they are trying to manipulate you or get something from you, or simply control situations. Assimilate or die.
I don't assimilate well.
No, I'm not in a good mood. The stupid story is plodding along but not for four days. I've had my hands full with insanity and simply haven't had the time, energy, or desire to write. I have been reading and crocheting. I had to keep my mind occupied so the atmosphere in the asylum wouldn't send me totally over the edge. It is unfortunate that when people are miserable they think they need to share that misery with others they hate. When it is someone I care about it makes it even harder to get my head around. And I grow weary of it.
To be honest, Dave and I had the most peaceful weekend imaginable. We even commented on it several times. We had Sarah and we took turns spending a lot of time doing things with her. She was absolutely so sweet all weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone and no interruptions of any kind! Two days of quiet enjoyment and getting things done. Sunday afternoon gets here and things go to hell pretty quickly.
I went to church but by the time I got home I was exhausted. We got Sarah on Friday evening. Her mom was going out of town and Sarah had battled an ear infection all week but ear infections I know. As a result of being sick I think she'd got her sleep scheduled out of whack and had slept late on Friday. She was still having ear problems Friday night when we got her and had meds to take. So she didn't go to bed till late that night. Around 3 a.m. she woke me up freezing and crying. She had a fever. I gave her medicine for it and she went back to sleep after a bit. Anyway, she slept late Saturday, too but she seemed to feel much better and no fever. But she had a hard time getting to bed that night too because she wasn't tired. As a result we were both tired on Sunday morning. She napped in church. But I had to go to bed when I got home I was practically a zombie. Two nights of very late hours took its toll and if I didn't sleep I'd be in bad shape soon. Dave took care of her but he was tired, too. He lay down around 3 and Sarah lay down with me.
I don't have phones in my bedroom any longer. They are in the living room and in the study. You can't hear them except in the rooms they are in unless you are awake. We weren't. My cell phone was in my purse on the other end of the house. Really, I dropped everything and went straight to bed after church. So, when Sarah's mom started calling no one answered the phones and this apparently causes a tear in the space time continuum and this results in a black hole, from which there is no escape. Well, were told she'd be back late Sunday afternoon but we certainly didn't expect a return from Branson, Missouri by 1 on Sunday when she didn't leave till after 10 on Saturday! It is a six and a half hour drive one way! My opinion is, she didn't really go to Branson but I don't care. It isn't my concern. You want a break I can sure understand that.Why lie? But the penalty for not hearing the phones and answering immediately is a federal offense equated with kidnapping. We took Sarah home around five or six. Peaceful weekend over.
I get a text during church that she needs her car seat that Mike had when he took Sarah to the doctor. I tell her I'm in church and will have to go home to get it. I'm on my way home from church and it is right at 9 p.m. I call Dave to see if he can work with me. Too much trouble for him. I took care of it.
Mike, who went to church too, goes after the seat and meets me with it. I call to tell her I have the seat. We get something to eat and it is nearly 10 p.m. I call and tell her I have the seat. I call and guess what... she isn't there to get the seat. It is my fault of course because I told her I was home and would have to wait till after church. What?
I leave it at the door at her request via phone call. I go home. The chaos is in full reign. I don't know what happened after that on Dave's end. Sometime around the time delivering the seat, David starts getting nasty grams. Why? I don't know. I don't care. It's unnecessary.
He's called to say good night to Sarah. but she told him she was not with Sarah. What? Sarah was at a sitter. What? So why couldn't he keep her tonight? Yes, she knew I was off today. Who? She doesn't have to tell him and he needs to call before 9 from now on. What? Uh, he has a right to know where his daughter is if she is not with her mother and he has a right to know who the sitter is. He quotes the guidelines for Indiana and will show the judge the texts in the morning. Suddenly he can talk to Sarah and know who the sitter is.
Really? Really? Was all that really necessary. Why would anyone even go to those lengths to aggravate the man. He ask to say good night to his child around 9:30 p.m. He cares about his daughter. But it became more important to control his actions than to let her know that. Wow.
She doesn't get why he won't talk to her on the phone. I've witnessed many of those calls and read the text messages of both of them. I understand his reasons. He is a non-violent and passive personality who refuses to argue with anyone. Even me. She isn't. A passive person can't talk to someone who is always right, always going to be right, even when they are wrong. You can't be friends with someone who is always going to be in charge, demands constant attention and will always get the last word. And their word is all that matters. It is impossible to build a relationship with that kind of person because it is all one sided. They run the show and if you don't like the show you can lump it but you have to attend the show. It is why no relationship ever survives controlling personalities. They do not compromise. They do not yield. They do not concede any ground. They take everything and suck the other parties dry. And other controlling people they meet are quickly disposed of because they can't be controlled so easily. There is no "what do you think about it?" It is "Here's how it is."
Let me be clear on this. I'm suffering the consequences. I lost someone I loved very much. I attempt to keep a relationship going for both Sarah and her mother's sake. Because when I love someone, I don't just throw them away because they screw up. Even when it hurts me. I still love them. I keep trying to reach out and be a support because I know what it means to be alone and feel unloved. In this case I now struggle to do it. I'm getting tired. I care but controlling personalities destroy more than they create. They push away people who actually try to care about them. Because they can't allow the person to be an individual and they can't accept any reality but the one they create. When they fail to channel their energy in constructive ways control freaks are destructive. And they make big mistakes in their personal lives. They fail at many things. . . a lot.
It is a great sadness when you care about them.
What happened to "I'd never use Sarah as a weapon" or "You can have her whenever you want her" or oh crap, any of the lies people tell when they are trying to manipulate you or get something from you, or simply control situations. Assimilate or die.
I don't assimilate well.
Friday, July 5, 2013
La Vida Loca
It is Tuesday, July 2nd and I feel as if I am short about three hours sleep! I' waiting for the other shoe to drop. Generally, when I am short of sleep or feel I am, I have pain issues to follow. On Saturday, we took Sarah to the horse show and I had a headache that morning. I ended up taking two Imetrex that morning before I could clear it out. That's become a regular thing with my headaches. And they are definitely are tied to the problem in my neck. Once the head stops hurting, the neck typically follows suit.
I spent about an hour and a half writing last night and got my first day of CampNaNo done before 9 p.m.. And I have a running start to the second day.
I am actually happy about my decision to work on last year's November NaNo. The thing fizzled out on me last year and I was disappointed because I kind of liked the character. I'm hoping to breath new life into it. It isn't going the way I want it to go even now but I've decide to let the characters do what they want for a while. I also like the less stressful feeling of the Camp version. Setting my own word count seem to have relieved some of the pressure and not having to do the ML duties makes a huge difference. I love that job but it is extra pressure during November.
I've posted last year's work on a blog and will be adding the sections to it as I go. If you're interested in reading it, you may but after July, it will be closed down.
It is now Friday, July 5 and I'm having a rough morning. I woke to two very painful hips, painful feet, a headache, and heavy cloud cover. The weather has been horrible for days now. Overcast skies that take any desire away to do anything outside. I don't think I slept well either as I overslept and when I got up, I did not have my special pillow. Probably the reason for my neck hurting and the headache. I need a nap badly.
I wrote a little bit last night but my word count fell behind since I didn't write for two nights in a row. However, it isn't so bad I can't fix it fairly easily. I'll be trying to catch it up over a three day weekend. I took Monday off because I have a repairman coming in that day.
While I do like some of what I've written, once again, I don't see where it is going. This isn't that unusual but generally, by the time I have this much written, I know something about what is going on. I don't with this one and that's a problem. It was a problem last November. I need a catalyst, a big one. A burning barn isn't it. Jim missing isn't it. There has to be something else. Any ideas please feel free to toss them out there.
I decided on July 4th that I'd start walking in my effort to get some weight off and to try and get in slightly better shape. I'm not sure this is going to be possible. Around 10 a.m. I went to take flowers to the cemetery with a dual purpose. I like it that cemetery, with it's numerous old growth trees, winding paved roads, beautiful ponds, benches, and interesting gravestones. It is really a perfect place to walk. I decided 10 minutes was a good walk and would be something I could manage. I did it and turns out that 10 minutes is roughly half a mile. I went back that evening. My hips were sore and I barely finished my route. When I got up this morning, I could barely walk. Both hips are shot.
Well, it is now past 11 pm and I am never going to finish this! Do not ask about my evening. I got off work and managed to get home and sit down for about 30 minutes. I spent the rest of the evening at the ER with Sarah and her mother. Then, we had to go eat as it was nearly 9 by the time we got out. I managed to get home by 10 p.m.. Hips are no better and walking is very difficult.
My goal is to try and walk again tomorrow but only once to see if it helps and the pain I'm having is just because it is a new exercise. I didn't really work hard or walk that fast. I'm sure the weather is not helping but I can't imagine why I'm hurting so bad. Really, walking is very painful in both hips.
I'm stopping this painfully long post. It will never end if I don't. What a day. No... what a week.
I spent about an hour and a half writing last night and got my first day of CampNaNo done before 9 p.m.. And I have a running start to the second day.
I am actually happy about my decision to work on last year's November NaNo. The thing fizzled out on me last year and I was disappointed because I kind of liked the character. I'm hoping to breath new life into it. It isn't going the way I want it to go even now but I've decide to let the characters do what they want for a while. I also like the less stressful feeling of the Camp version. Setting my own word count seem to have relieved some of the pressure and not having to do the ML duties makes a huge difference. I love that job but it is extra pressure during November.
I've posted last year's work on a blog and will be adding the sections to it as I go. If you're interested in reading it, you may but after July, it will be closed down.
It is now Friday, July 5 and I'm having a rough morning. I woke to two very painful hips, painful feet, a headache, and heavy cloud cover. The weather has been horrible for days now. Overcast skies that take any desire away to do anything outside. I don't think I slept well either as I overslept and when I got up, I did not have my special pillow. Probably the reason for my neck hurting and the headache. I need a nap badly.
I wrote a little bit last night but my word count fell behind since I didn't write for two nights in a row. However, it isn't so bad I can't fix it fairly easily. I'll be trying to catch it up over a three day weekend. I took Monday off because I have a repairman coming in that day.
While I do like some of what I've written, once again, I don't see where it is going. This isn't that unusual but generally, by the time I have this much written, I know something about what is going on. I don't with this one and that's a problem. It was a problem last November. I need a catalyst, a big one. A burning barn isn't it. Jim missing isn't it. There has to be something else. Any ideas please feel free to toss them out there.
I decided on July 4th that I'd start walking in my effort to get some weight off and to try and get in slightly better shape. I'm not sure this is going to be possible. Around 10 a.m. I went to take flowers to the cemetery with a dual purpose. I like it that cemetery, with it's numerous old growth trees, winding paved roads, beautiful ponds, benches, and interesting gravestones. It is really a perfect place to walk. I decided 10 minutes was a good walk and would be something I could manage. I did it and turns out that 10 minutes is roughly half a mile. I went back that evening. My hips were sore and I barely finished my route. When I got up this morning, I could barely walk. Both hips are shot.
Well, it is now past 11 pm and I am never going to finish this! Do not ask about my evening. I got off work and managed to get home and sit down for about 30 minutes. I spent the rest of the evening at the ER with Sarah and her mother. Then, we had to go eat as it was nearly 9 by the time we got out. I managed to get home by 10 p.m.. Hips are no better and walking is very difficult.
My goal is to try and walk again tomorrow but only once to see if it helps and the pain I'm having is just because it is a new exercise. I didn't really work hard or walk that fast. I'm sure the weather is not helping but I can't imagine why I'm hurting so bad. Really, walking is very painful in both hips.
I'm stopping this painfully long post. It will never end if I don't. What a day. No... what a week.
Monday, July 1, 2013
A Day on the Ledge
Wet and gloomy afternoon and evening. The day started with sun and mild temps but by afternoon it was raining and after about an hour of rain, has stayed cloudy. Current temp is 68F. The air feels damp outside but nice.
I went to church this morning but I've had an upset stomach all afternoon. I actually went to bed around 2 and didn't get up until nearly 5 p.m. Woke up twice with acid reflux and thought I was going to be sick. I wasn't but my tummy still feels a bit wonky. Not sure why. I ate some potato chips because I wanted salty. I'm sitting here thinking that onion rings sounds delightful. I have not idea what is going on with all that. For those with a bent sense of humor. I'm not pregnant. It would be both a miracle and an immaculate conception.
Tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo begins and I'm about as unprepared as I'll ever be but I'm going to try this. It's only 30,000 words for heaven's sake. Bad words count so I'll make the effort. My cabin mates seem nice and it will probably lead to some new friendships. So, I'll go with it.
I must remember to ask my doctor again about my SED rate. The podiatrist said my numbers were normal. O.k. What's that about? Normal? That's the same thing my primary care said three months ago. So, if they're normal, what do I have and why do I need to take these pills that are doing other things to me?
I left the house for about an hour tonight. I simply felt the need to get out and alone. I mean, I am alone. David is here but we hardly see each other. He was watching t.v. and I craved isolation. I went to Sonic, not the one in the video, and had onion rings. I sat at the end of the parking lot, facing a row of trees. It was quiet except for the music.
There is this place I am in and I'm not sure if I like it much. I don't feel depressed really. Physically, I think I'm o.k. but in my head is another matter. I can't put it into words, which for me, is an oddity in itself. I'm a writer. I can put anything into words. But not this, not here, maybe not anywhere. I read something today that was so on target and spoke about "ruins of life". It stopped me in my tracks, actually. I never thought in those terms. In fact, I've had trouble defining exactly what was wrong or what term described it. Ruins was so apt that I simply stared at the word. I had this image in my head of this huge castle, with its battlements, and towers, and parapets in ruins, stones tumbled all around with the skeleton of the structure standing against a bleak sky. My life. Every turret, every bastion, every wall breached and broken down. I stand in the central courtyard, alone, starting at this huge ruin that once was a jewel set on a mountain, with pennants and banners waving in the gentle breezes and sunshine. Now, it lies in ruins. It fit so well with what I am feeling that I couldn't shake it. Even now, hours later it is an image that remains.
I'm too old to rebuild, even if I had the energy. I don't. It was today that I realized I'm at the end of something. I don't know what. On my way back home tonight I considered my options. I can keep hoping for something good to happen. I can sit and fret over the ruins. I can live in the moment with what I have in my hand. It dawned on me that was why I spend time doing things that don't move. I read, blogs, books, and news. I crochet. I write. I play a solitary games. There is much that needs doing around me but I don't do it. I don't want to do it because there is no future in any of it. I find myself seeing no further than now. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It doesn't really get better. It simply keeps moving forward, carrying everything in stasis.
Perhaps it is possible for some people make things happen. I've lost the knack for that and the desire. I won't bore anyone with details but lets just say life hasn't been very kind. I was fortunate to have a small group of people who took care of me and gave me a great deal of love. They're mostly gone now. Only a few remain. A minister once looked at me and said, "You're a fighter." I didn't say anything and no one in that room knew anything about my life. He wasn't lying. I've always fought for every inch of ground because that was my lot in life. But even warriors grow weary and the best fighter will eventually be beaten. I'm tired.
Before I go to bed, remember that 80's song, I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, it was one of my favorite songs. Maybe because the lyrics were mine in some way.
I went to church this morning but I've had an upset stomach all afternoon. I actually went to bed around 2 and didn't get up until nearly 5 p.m. Woke up twice with acid reflux and thought I was going to be sick. I wasn't but my tummy still feels a bit wonky. Not sure why. I ate some potato chips because I wanted salty. I'm sitting here thinking that onion rings sounds delightful. I have not idea what is going on with all that. For those with a bent sense of humor. I'm not pregnant. It would be both a miracle and an immaculate conception.
Tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo begins and I'm about as unprepared as I'll ever be but I'm going to try this. It's only 30,000 words for heaven's sake. Bad words count so I'll make the effort. My cabin mates seem nice and it will probably lead to some new friendships. So, I'll go with it.
I must remember to ask my doctor again about my SED rate. The podiatrist said my numbers were normal. O.k. What's that about? Normal? That's the same thing my primary care said three months ago. So, if they're normal, what do I have and why do I need to take these pills that are doing other things to me?
I left the house for about an hour tonight. I simply felt the need to get out and alone. I mean, I am alone. David is here but we hardly see each other. He was watching t.v. and I craved isolation. I went to Sonic, not the one in the video, and had onion rings. I sat at the end of the parking lot, facing a row of trees. It was quiet except for the music.
There is this place I am in and I'm not sure if I like it much. I don't feel depressed really. Physically, I think I'm o.k. but in my head is another matter. I can't put it into words, which for me, is an oddity in itself. I'm a writer. I can put anything into words. But not this, not here, maybe not anywhere. I read something today that was so on target and spoke about "ruins of life". It stopped me in my tracks, actually. I never thought in those terms. In fact, I've had trouble defining exactly what was wrong or what term described it. Ruins was so apt that I simply stared at the word. I had this image in my head of this huge castle, with its battlements, and towers, and parapets in ruins, stones tumbled all around with the skeleton of the structure standing against a bleak sky. My life. Every turret, every bastion, every wall breached and broken down. I stand in the central courtyard, alone, starting at this huge ruin that once was a jewel set on a mountain, with pennants and banners waving in the gentle breezes and sunshine. Now, it lies in ruins. It fit so well with what I am feeling that I couldn't shake it. Even now, hours later it is an image that remains.
I'm too old to rebuild, even if I had the energy. I don't. It was today that I realized I'm at the end of something. I don't know what. On my way back home tonight I considered my options. I can keep hoping for something good to happen. I can sit and fret over the ruins. I can live in the moment with what I have in my hand. It dawned on me that was why I spend time doing things that don't move. I read, blogs, books, and news. I crochet. I write. I play a solitary games. There is much that needs doing around me but I don't do it. I don't want to do it because there is no future in any of it. I find myself seeing no further than now. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It doesn't really get better. It simply keeps moving forward, carrying everything in stasis.
Perhaps it is possible for some people make things happen. I've lost the knack for that and the desire. I won't bore anyone with details but lets just say life hasn't been very kind. I was fortunate to have a small group of people who took care of me and gave me a great deal of love. They're mostly gone now. Only a few remain. A minister once looked at me and said, "You're a fighter." I didn't say anything and no one in that room knew anything about my life. He wasn't lying. I've always fought for every inch of ground because that was my lot in life. But even warriors grow weary and the best fighter will eventually be beaten. I'm tired.
Before I go to bed, remember that 80's song, I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, it was one of my favorite songs. Maybe because the lyrics were mine in some way.
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