The Piano Guys Do It Again!

A Saturday at Home

Matter Over Mind

If you are easily disturbed or depressed or just sick of me do not read the blog today.This will not make one bit of sense to anyone. I don't care. It doesn't to me either but better here (points to blog) than in here (taps head). 

I don't get the "mind over matter" thing at all. It means that if we want something bad enough, if we believe or try hard enough, we can obtain the goal, item, or desired outcome. If we don't like thinking something we just change our thinking! There is an old joke "if I don't mind, it doesn't  matter". And the last is probably closer to truth than the other.

I can't change one thing by believing or hoping it will change. Really. It doesn't work. I don't know what the magic words are that institute change. Today is. It is not going to be yesterday or last week or last year. It is. Fact - sun came up today. Done. I know. I've spent years wishing to go back in time.

My problem is I mind. I mind every flipping bit of it. Most of the time I try to think that it doesn't matter but it's a lie. I mind. So it does matter. 

I suddenly realized in the last few days, maybe a week, that I do not like who I am. I don't know if this is who I always was or if I changed at 21 or when my children were born, or when I turned 30 or 40 or when Jerry died. But I really do not like the person who took my place. 

I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. That person is not someone I like being around. She's not any fun at all. She's always out there, the one that people see and talk to. She's very good at camouflage, pretense. She smiles and laughs when she knows people are watching. She says all the right things at the right time. She takes care of business, keeps things together, slipping once in a while because I interfere but mostly ruling with an iron hand. The facade seldom slips and never in front of anyone who would notice or care. 

I see her without the facade. Maybe she feels the mask isn't necessary around me. I can't stand her. She's frightening. I try very hard to figure out if she's the miserable one or if it is me. She says I over think everything. That I need to accept things with a smile and stay positive and just get over myself. I need to simply accept that everything is as it must be and I need to stop rejecting it. Embrace my life, accept it, and move on. Stop minding about stuff. It doesn't matter. 

But I mind. So, it matters.  

I often wonder where everything goes. If it disappears into the ether forever or if it is floating around out there somewhere to be grasped and pulled back. I'm not talking souls here. I'm talking about what makes us who we are while we are still breathing. And I wonder if, when who we are slips away from us, we can reach out and catch something of what we were and pull it back. Can we slip into it like a comfortable old coat. I'm afraid we can't. I'm afraid that who I was is gone, disappeared forever. That if I strip away the other one, there will be nothing there. I'm afraid that everything that has been left will be gone, too. And that the truth is I don't exist anymore. I. . . believe that it is true.

And I mind. So, it really does matter.

I don't expect anyone will be able to define this. I don't want metaphysical interpretations or psycho-babel about identity or grief mumbo-jumbo. I'm not crazy. Truthfully, losing who you are is painful. Think of tying your arm to the back of a train while the rest of you is tied to the track. Yes, exactly like that. And even more truthfully, you're never quite right again. Maybe that's why I see her more clearly than I see me.

If I didn't mind, it really wouldn't matter.

But I do. And it does.

A Change in Everything

No idea what's going on today. Leg pain has disturbed my sleep for two nights now. It's terrible today and there's is just no relief for it except get up. At least that worked before. Now, it isn't helping. It isn't helped by the fact that my gait is affected. I walk different because it hurts and I suspect it hurts more because I walk different! ~~:(

Obviously the mad rush of NaNo is over... so I have more time to contemplate. I realized last night I better find something to keep my mind occupied completely or it isn't going to be a bearable holiday. Not sure it will anyway but no sense raining on everyone's parade. My blogs are likely to be real bad trips for anyone who reads them. 

I dont' look for the day to get better. I'm sitting with mounds of paper around me and all I really want to do is find a place to take a nap. The leg interferes with sleep, so, I tend to be sleepy. Lack of sleep causes me to become "foggy" which in turn makes it hard to focus, which makes it hard to work, or write, or even carry on conversations and remember things. 

Might have to issue warning labels if I think they are too depressing. Anyone but me get tired of my whining?

Now that that is  out of the way....

It is brilliantly sunny with clear skies. It is 35F. I'm praying for a southwest wind to blow in. That would give us another 10 degrees. I could live with that. Hmmm, just a second while I check something. Ah..a front between two high pressure systems rolled in yesterday and is currently sitting right on top of us! There are a bunch of Highs across the mid-west to the Rocky Mountains. Maybe tomorrow will be a bit better. Unless the lows.. nix that southwest wind. There's  a low sitting right over the Southwest and one rolling in from the S. Pacific. Looks like rain might be in store for the S.W. or even snow in the higher elevations. 

This has been your morning weather for S. W. Indiana. Have a great day. And be careful out there!

Check and see if I'm right. LOL, my new job... weather girl. 

A Promise to Jilly