Thanksgiving Day

I just got up and got a cup of coffee. It is pouring down rain outside. I am alone at home. I presume my extended family are all celebrating somewhere today. Mike just called and I will go get him in a bit so he can do his laundry and go to lunch with us. We're going after three so Phyllis can join us.

I was just thinking of what I have to be thankful about. I glanced up at our family portrait on the wall and remembered other Thanksgivings when it was just the four of us and how nice it was to have Jerry in the living room drinking coffee and watching that stupid Thanksgiving Day parade playing down the hall, followed by ball games and the boys and I playing games or me cooking in the kitchen. Later we'd watch movies. I was thankful for that. I was happier than even I knew in those days. I'm briefly thankful and profoundly bereft that it is all gone. And I am devastated I can't ever recapture, relive, or recreate those times.

For a moment I wondered how Jerry would have handled this situation. Fear for him, even now, as if he were still here and could experience it, flicks at me. I think he would not have survived it. Then I think, no, he might have been just fine. He'd be with his Sarah today if he could and I'd be a distant memory. Maybe he'd be happy and enjoying life. I like to think so. He'd need someone to take care of him.

I am thankful I am alive. I am not thankful Jerry is not. I am thankful for 12,802 days with Jerry but it was not enough. I am sorry I did not make them better days.

For now, I'm sitting in my bedroom typing this blog and listing to the sound of the rain. I love the sound of rain and it sounds soothing and lovely on the roof. Later, I'll join Mike, Dave, Becca, Sarah, and Phyllis for dinner and oddly enough we will not laugh and talk over the meal and remember good times. We'll eat and go home. We do not care about this day anymore. We are a ship with a rudder, drifting about trying to find meaning in the day and failing that, we put ashore on one of those tiny Islands of Happiness that are scattered throughout the Sea of Misery.

I truly wish I can tell you I'm happy and all is right with the world and it is a wonderful place to be. But I can't. I can tell you that life is about loss. It is the things we lose that make the most impact. The greater the loss, the more powerful the blow. And we can't escape the losses.

We get over happiness easily. We do not get over loss so well. And when we lose a part of ourselves, we do not recover. If we lose a leg, we limp. If we lose our eyes, we stumble into walls.We do not recover. We simply learn to adapt. For that we can be thankful. We are not required to be happy about it.

My Sea of Misery image came to me after I went to bed the other night and I lay in the dark and saw myself running aground some distance from shore. I got out of my leaky boat and swam to the tiny stretch of white sand where I dragged myself ashore and lay back on the warm sand to recover from my stormy journey. I looked up at a leaden sky. Not one with white fluffy clouds and azure skies. Still, I thought, I'd found an island to rest on.

I got up and looked around. It was a pitiful island for an Island of Happiness. Trees were straggly and scrawny, not enough foliage for a decent shade. But then, there wasn't a decent amount of sunshine either. The fruit was ok. There was no shelter and no one to play in the surf, to talk to, to sit by a fire and enjoy the silence.

Still it was a small Island of Happiness. I hadn't drowned in my Sea of Misery. For now I was alive. I was glad of that but as I looked around I knew that I wouldn't be here long.

One couldn't stay long on any Island. We are forced back into the Sea of Misery at some point to sail to the next Island.

We can imagine them, there in the distance, filled with excitement and laughter and adventure. We can actually see the tops of verdant trees swaying in warm breezes and lovely green mountains we imagine scaling to look out over beautiful valleys. We do not see the miles of Sea between because we do not believe life is about loss. For us, life is about the pursuit of happiness, a never ending chase for an elusive place that we can only taste for a moment. And while we are there, we fail to value it for what it is. A gift, so brief and yet so powerful that we constantly pursue it again once it is gone. It always disappears once you reach the Island. That is what drives us back into that surging Sea.

While you sit around your table today or sit with your family doing whatever you usually do on this day, get this image in your mind. The place you stand is an island. It is a small island. You will only be permitted to stay here for a few hours or days or maybe a week. Take pictures. Say the things you have never said, may never have said, dreamed of saying. Give all the hugs, kisses, and pats you possibly can give. Laugh until your side hurts and tears stream down you face.

Because when you leave that place, you can't come back.

Wednesday Week's End

It has been raining all night and is still raining. Not an auspicious beginning to a holiday.

I will be off four days after today. Thank goodness. I have so much to do. We're thinking we may cook after all... I don't really want to but not everyone will be able to be together. Phyllis has to work until 3 p.m. I thought David had to work too but last night he said not so if he doesn't then we will go to lunch at 4 p.m. That would work. But if he works, he would go in at 2 p.m. You can see the dilemma.

I slept terribly. Since I've stopped the melatonin I'm not sleeping as well. I am going to give it a couple of weeks. I can tell I'm not as depressed or as anxious. However, I'm exhausted. Once thorough thanksgiving, I can try and taper off the St John's wort for the depression. If that works, then I can try the doxepin again to help me sleep. I'll just have to take it very early in the afternoon. I'd forgotten I did that to combat the hangover the next morning. If all goes well, I should be able to sleep and not have that terrible anxiety and depressive episodes. One thing at a time, however, right now sleep is a problem.

I still have my cold and feel lousy. Sore throat and cough. I have a headache, too. Sleep could and is probably a factor in that. I am trying to drink a lot of water since I've been taking a cold medicine. They tend to dehydrate you.

Last night I kept waking up. I don't know the times but since the mornings are always dark I have trouble keeping track of it. I do not use a lighted dial clock. If you have a sleep disorder you don't use lights of any kind in your sleeping area. Anyway, I went to bed about 12:30 and woke around 2 a.m. Then, sometime later I woke again and went to the bathroom thinking it was around 5:30. I was very groggy and everything was hurting. When I got back to bed I hit the clock and the voice told me it was around 3:30 a.m.! I got up at just after 7 a.m. for work. I could barely do that.

I am hoping they let us go early today. Our executive director has left the agency and she used to let us go around noon on the last work day of holiday weeks. I'm not expecting it this year... not for my department.

I have not been writing anything. This cold has kept me down for over a week now. And I felt as if I was in a minor flare with the fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. Pain has been higher, particularly at night, as the weather has changed.

Becca asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Nothing. I can't think of anything I want or need. All that I would have is beyond reach. I do not feel any sense of the holiday season. I don't care to go shopping. I don't care to celebrate anything. I suppose I'm thankful for my family, my home, and my job. But I can't honestly say I care about celebrating anything.

My house guest will be here for the weekend and I am looking forward to that. I'm going to buy some hot chocolate to get read for a nice long chat. I will reveal all later. One must have some secrets to make this blog a bit interesting and keep people reading.

I'm at work and so probably should get back to it. It will be a long slow day for all of us with the rain.People won't come in much and work slows to a crawl because you don't want to start a big project before a holiday and have to interrupt it.

With that, I will leave you now. More later....

Holiday Gift

I have a chest cold. That thing that started last week in my head? Yes, that cold. It has migrated south, apparently looking for warmer weather or better pickings. Now it has become a chest cold. Upper respiratory infection they call them these days. Whatever.


Fortunately, my cold is breaking up. I've been taking medicine that will loosen the congestion. But a broken cold is miserable just the same. You cough a lot, just more productively. And I feel lousy and can't stay home from work. Thank the good Lord I only have to work three days this week. We're going out for dinner on Thursday so I don't have a ton of cooking to do either. And I may have a house guest on Saturday. It's a secret. I'll tell you later when detail are hammered out.

Today between 2 & 4 they are supposed to deliver my last new washer and dryer. I say last for a reason and you'll just have to read the other blogs for the last two weeks and watch the videos. I'm too tired to relay the details again. Suffice it to say, before buying a new washer and dryer, measure, and jump up and down on your floors.

Ok, off to eat something and head to the mines. I fervently pray that all clients stay home today. I hope they begin to celebrate early and simply not want to be bothered. Everyone, pray with me! LOL, I do not need anymore drama.

Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the chief boatswain that his men smelled bad. The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The chief responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The chief went straight to the sailors' berth deck and announced, "The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change," but don't count on things smelling any better.

Long Week Behind

It has been a very odd week I've had. And I feel as if I am unable to relate it all. Bit strange for me, isn't it?

Last weekend, as you know, Becca spent helping clean the house. I was really not well the whole weekend and my depression and anxiety were out of bounds. I had a washer and dryer delivered on Wendnesday - those new front load stackable ones. By that night I knew they were not going to work. Sounded like a Huey helicopter in my laundry room when it went into a spin cycle. Dryer worked beautifully but the washer I could only use on one cycle to keep it from bouncing. As I spent a ridiculous amount to get multiply cycles, I called and was told to exchange them.

On Thursday I want to the story, negotiated a deal to exchange them for the traditional top load machines, the washer without an agitator. By then, I was truly sick with a cold. Stuffy nose, tired, and achy. I think earlier in the week I had actually run a low grade fever but can't be sure. But I broke out into an all over sweat twice on Tuesday. Sarah was sick with a similar issues at the same time.

Saturday I got up feeling as if I were getting better. I'd started taking a cold medicine. I also stopped taking melatonin. Those of you who have been reading for a while know that I've taken this for some time to help me sleep, in fact, I may be been taking it since shortly after Jerry died but can't remember. Anyway, one day this week I was researching side effects of my medicines. I do this periodically because there is always a chance that a medicine formerly considered safe now is found to have some disturbing side effects. I discovered that with the melatonin this week. Depression and anxiety were listed as well as headache and some others. I've taken this natural supplement before but not for as long as I've been taking it. So, in light of my symptoms in the last year, rather than getting better I elected to stop it immediately. For the last two days I've felt much better emotionally and mentally. Not perfect, but better. And no, I'm no sleeping much differently.

I say this all the time. Check everything you take for possible side effects and recheck them periodically. There may be some thing that shows up later that was not known. And, medicines you take may interact but not be known until you take it! I won't take it again. Too risky. I knew something was wrong but could not pinpoint it. That was the only medicine I had not checked recently.