And they keep coming, don't they?
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Explosion on Alvord
Yes, it happened. And it is going to leave an ugly mess.
I had a horrible couple of days. Exhaustion lead to a melt down. I sit and cry every morning before I go to work. I don't know why. I just do. I sit in my empty house and wonder what to do. I need to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in on top of me. I'm really too tired to dig one.
I didn't get a lunch hour yesterday. I spent the entire hour hauling Mike around so he could sell plasma which he didn't sell at all. That won't happen again.
Then, I went home yesterday to find that Mike had left huge sections of the yard uncut the day before. I don't monitor responsible adults. I forgot he is irresponsible. For weeks now he's left areas uncut, areas I can't see if I don't really walk behind the shed or hedges. One area I've pointed out for week. The grass is now over my knees in some areas and over my head in others. I dragged my sister's mower out because mine is in the shop and she let us use her's. I cut most of this stuff down.
The fence David took down still lay on the ground, despite my begging for weeks for him to come and get it up so we could cut that area. Grass grew up in it. He kept saying he couldn't get it up because small trees were grown in it and he had to cut them down to get it out. I went out and PULLED the flipping fence away from the so-called "trees". Mostly grass and vines, not trees. In one place a large tree stump has encased the fence. I can cut this out with an axe. Which I will do this afternoon when I get home. I will also drag the fences to the street along with the metal posts.
By the time I finished, I realized that David had arrived at my house while I was doing all the fence pulling and cutting and was sitting in the air conditioned living room. He was there to pick up the mower and go cut my sister's yard... for pay. I was gasping for breath, sweat rolling off my body, my back was screaming and my arms were hurting. He asked me about the mower. I told him he could do what he wanted that I didn't care. He never batted an eye but rather got smart and ask what my problem was and left with a smart remark.
I then called Mike and told him to never ask me for another thing, not money, not a ride, not to use the computer or the phone. I told Becca that the next time David needed gas money or anything else, he could take a flying leap. I informed them all that I was no longer saving money to leave behind when I was dead. I was going to spend it all on me and my house and hiring professional to do the job the imbeciles couldn't do. I will pay more but at least it will get done and done right.
Today, my back is wracked every time I lift my arm. My neck hurts a bit and my arm hurts.
I'm finished. I'm not wealthy. I have very average income. But if I died before retiring, that retirement money goes somewhere and I have life insurance. So, if I have one dime left by the time I leave this world it will all belong to Sarah when she reaches her 25th birthday. I'm getting the beneficiary forms in my paycheck this weekend.
I'm fed up with leaches and free loaders. I live with this day in and day out on my job but I'll be @#$%#@ if I will be related to them. I WORK for a living. Everyone else needs to do the same. And if they don't want to work or spend the money wisely, don't stick a hand out to me because I'll chop it off at the shoulder.
I'm about to travel.
I had a horrible couple of days. Exhaustion lead to a melt down. I sit and cry every morning before I go to work. I don't know why. I just do. I sit in my empty house and wonder what to do. I need to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in on top of me. I'm really too tired to dig one.
I didn't get a lunch hour yesterday. I spent the entire hour hauling Mike around so he could sell plasma which he didn't sell at all. That won't happen again.
Then, I went home yesterday to find that Mike had left huge sections of the yard uncut the day before. I don't monitor responsible adults. I forgot he is irresponsible. For weeks now he's left areas uncut, areas I can't see if I don't really walk behind the shed or hedges. One area I've pointed out for week. The grass is now over my knees in some areas and over my head in others. I dragged my sister's mower out because mine is in the shop and she let us use her's. I cut most of this stuff down.
The fence David took down still lay on the ground, despite my begging for weeks for him to come and get it up so we could cut that area. Grass grew up in it. He kept saying he couldn't get it up because small trees were grown in it and he had to cut them down to get it out. I went out and PULLED the flipping fence away from the so-called "trees". Mostly grass and vines, not trees. In one place a large tree stump has encased the fence. I can cut this out with an axe. Which I will do this afternoon when I get home. I will also drag the fences to the street along with the metal posts.
By the time I finished, I realized that David had arrived at my house while I was doing all the fence pulling and cutting and was sitting in the air conditioned living room. He was there to pick up the mower and go cut my sister's yard... for pay. I was gasping for breath, sweat rolling off my body, my back was screaming and my arms were hurting. He asked me about the mower. I told him he could do what he wanted that I didn't care. He never batted an eye but rather got smart and ask what my problem was and left with a smart remark.
I then called Mike and told him to never ask me for another thing, not money, not a ride, not to use the computer or the phone. I told Becca that the next time David needed gas money or anything else, he could take a flying leap. I informed them all that I was no longer saving money to leave behind when I was dead. I was going to spend it all on me and my house and hiring professional to do the job the imbeciles couldn't do. I will pay more but at least it will get done and done right.
Today, my back is wracked every time I lift my arm. My neck hurts a bit and my arm hurts.
I'm finished. I'm not wealthy. I have very average income. But if I died before retiring, that retirement money goes somewhere and I have life insurance. So, if I have one dime left by the time I leave this world it will all belong to Sarah when she reaches her 25th birthday. I'm getting the beneficiary forms in my paycheck this weekend.
I'm fed up with leaches and free loaders. I live with this day in and day out on my job but I'll be @#$%#@ if I will be related to them. I WORK for a living. Everyone else needs to do the same. And if they don't want to work or spend the money wisely, don't stick a hand out to me because I'll chop it off at the shoulder.
I'm about to travel.
Monday, July 26, 2010
A Monday without End
It appears that way. Got to work and the system was down and just now came back up, at 1:25 p.m.. Fortunately, I had files to review so it helped me in that respect.
I went to bed at a reasonable time for me last night but it was nearly two a.m. before I could get to sleep. I tossed and turned and everywhere I lay something hurt, my shoulder, my leg, my knees, my feet, my neck. And I seemed to be suddenly wide awake! It was awful. As a result, I'm a zombie today. I can barely sit here. I'm seriously considering leaving early and going home to sleep. I don't like working this impaired.
Some may notice a new member of my contacts. He may or may not drop in here from time to time and leave comments. Pay him no mind. He can be quite annoying. Very arrogant, opinionated man. Great teacher but well. . . just beware.
I am seriously going to go away somewhere in August or September. I need some peace and quiet. My aunt and uncle have extended an invitation. I believe I mentioned that already. I'm either going to accept that or, if they decide not to go anywhere, I'm going on my own. I just want to run away for a few days.
You know, I'm just generally confused about things. I don't really know what I want but I want to stop running so fast. That is what it feels like. I'm just on this wheel that goes round and round and I end up nowhere but dizzy and worn out.
Some of the problem is internal. I get unbearably lonely but manage to redirect my attention at times so it is something I can deal with in short bursts. But it never really goes away. There is no fix for it. I'm not one to fill up time with empty pursuits but it is very hard to focus. I watch a lot more t.v. than I've done in years. I still can't read much. It seems to take more energy than I have. I don't have that many close friends to occupy my leisure time. And writing is in fits and starts. I force myself to do it.
I said somewhere recently, most of my close friends have been male but I'm not looking for boyfriends either. My early marriage was spent with my husband and his friends. I had none. Our first few years in the military I would often have an extra place for one of the single guys that worked with my husband and who had no family for holidays and special occasions. I was the girl they all said they wished they'd got. I remember one fella who said he was going back home to Georgia and see if he could find a girl just like me! I laughed and told him I was from Alabama. He said it was close enough.
But I'm not a fool. I know that in the grand scheme of things there is usually only one great love. I had it. It wasn't one of those sappy movies. It was real life in the trenches but there is no way to even come close to that again. When I think about it, it just boggles my mind that I had such a man in the first place and seemed not to have noticed it very much. Oh, I knew it but it seemed normal to me. It wasn't. The way that I was loved is inexplicable and impossible. I even told him that on several occasions and he couldn't see it. They do not make these men anymore. There are no more heroes in the ranks. They are leaving the planet one by one. More's the pity.
I suspect the biggest culprit to the general unhappiness is the inability to find my way in the dark. It's dark. It's always dark. Glimmers of light slip past here and there but slip away just as quickly. I was thinking I don't remember laughing a real laugh for a very long time. I laugh but I walk away and there is no lingering joy, fun, or humor. And I have no direction. Someone stole my compass. I can't remember that no one is going to deal with insurance, leaks, crumbling walls, tall grass, and heavy loads. No one is going to rub my back when it hurts, hold my hand when I'm sick, and bring me coffee for no reason.
It isn't only Monday that is without end.
I went to bed at a reasonable time for me last night but it was nearly two a.m. before I could get to sleep. I tossed and turned and everywhere I lay something hurt, my shoulder, my leg, my knees, my feet, my neck. And I seemed to be suddenly wide awake! It was awful. As a result, I'm a zombie today. I can barely sit here. I'm seriously considering leaving early and going home to sleep. I don't like working this impaired.
Some may notice a new member of my contacts. He may or may not drop in here from time to time and leave comments. Pay him no mind. He can be quite annoying. Very arrogant, opinionated man. Great teacher but well. . . just beware.
I am seriously going to go away somewhere in August or September. I need some peace and quiet. My aunt and uncle have extended an invitation. I believe I mentioned that already. I'm either going to accept that or, if they decide not to go anywhere, I'm going on my own. I just want to run away for a few days.
You know, I'm just generally confused about things. I don't really know what I want but I want to stop running so fast. That is what it feels like. I'm just on this wheel that goes round and round and I end up nowhere but dizzy and worn out.
Some of the problem is internal. I get unbearably lonely but manage to redirect my attention at times so it is something I can deal with in short bursts. But it never really goes away. There is no fix for it. I'm not one to fill up time with empty pursuits but it is very hard to focus. I watch a lot more t.v. than I've done in years. I still can't read much. It seems to take more energy than I have. I don't have that many close friends to occupy my leisure time. And writing is in fits and starts. I force myself to do it.
I said somewhere recently, most of my close friends have been male but I'm not looking for boyfriends either. My early marriage was spent with my husband and his friends. I had none. Our first few years in the military I would often have an extra place for one of the single guys that worked with my husband and who had no family for holidays and special occasions. I was the girl they all said they wished they'd got. I remember one fella who said he was going back home to Georgia and see if he could find a girl just like me! I laughed and told him I was from Alabama. He said it was close enough.
But I'm not a fool. I know that in the grand scheme of things there is usually only one great love. I had it. It wasn't one of those sappy movies. It was real life in the trenches but there is no way to even come close to that again. When I think about it, it just boggles my mind that I had such a man in the first place and seemed not to have noticed it very much. Oh, I knew it but it seemed normal to me. It wasn't. The way that I was loved is inexplicable and impossible. I even told him that on several occasions and he couldn't see it. They do not make these men anymore. There are no more heroes in the ranks. They are leaving the planet one by one. More's the pity.
I suspect the biggest culprit to the general unhappiness is the inability to find my way in the dark. It's dark. It's always dark. Glimmers of light slip past here and there but slip away just as quickly. I was thinking I don't remember laughing a real laugh for a very long time. I laugh but I walk away and there is no lingering joy, fun, or humor. And I have no direction. Someone stole my compass. I can't remember that no one is going to deal with insurance, leaks, crumbling walls, tall grass, and heavy loads. No one is going to rub my back when it hurts, hold my hand when I'm sick, and bring me coffee for no reason.
It isn't only Monday that is without end.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Late Night with Dixie
Yes! I'm still up! I've had a rather interesting day.... one where I actually felt better! O.k. don't get excited. These thing tend to come and go.
At any rate, I'm sitting watching Twin Peaks. I've never seen the whole series. Only saw a few when it was originally on. LOL, it's really pretty good. And Kyle is sooo easy on the eyes!
Been writing this weekend. I think it is .... good? Well, I don't actually like it. But someone, actually two someones, once said I should write what I'm uncomfortable with. I've been doing that. It is... uncomfortable. LOL.
Ok, time for bed. g'nite!
At any rate, I'm sitting watching Twin Peaks. I've never seen the whole series. Only saw a few when it was originally on. LOL, it's really pretty good. And Kyle is sooo easy on the eyes!
Been writing this weekend. I think it is .... good? Well, I don't actually like it. But someone, actually two someones, once said I should write what I'm uncomfortable with. I've been doing that. It is... uncomfortable. LOL.
Ok, time for bed. g'nite!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
How Green was My Yard
Pretty green actually. Dave and Becca are out on a date and I'm letting them use my car because they have no air on theirs. They are coming back later and work on the yard. Tall grass will be history by bedtime. I sincerely hope.
Mike was on the phone. I think with my aunt. He's been on the phone most of the day or on the internet. This is his problem. He never shuts up. Never. He's going to start the yard work I hope so it won't be such a huge job for everyone. And will burn off some of his energy.
He started on the yard and ran out of gas. So we're waiting for Dave to get back.
I'm tired but I've done very little since this morning. Mopped the floors, cleaned the sinks, and fixed the blade on the ceiling fan. It was loose and i just noticed it. Also fixed the light fixture with my trusty hot glue gun. A screw had fallen out of the ceramic socket and there was no way to put one back in. It has been this way for a long time. I just got fed up and took hot glue and put on it and stuck it up there. Presto.
I've been sitting in the den all day looking out at the oven. Here it is 7 pm and still 93 degrees. Miserable. Too miserable to enjoy my patio or yard. I've been watching t.v. shows all afternoon and writing some. I feel so stifled in the writing but I know the fix is to write. But I've done a lot, over 1500 words. in two days... about two hours work, 177 of those were done yesterday on a break. So, its ok. Becca sat and listened to me read it this afternoon to her. She cut her eyes at me and said, "So where's the rest of it?" I told her I was working on it.
Well, Dave is back and I have to go for now. Got to get the yard done. They've gone to get Sarah and she will be here shortly. I suspect stories will be in the offing. My sister has had her all afternoon and she's tired.
Mike was on the phone. I think with my aunt. He's been on the phone most of the day or on the internet. This is his problem. He never shuts up. Never. He's going to start the yard work I hope so it won't be such a huge job for everyone. And will burn off some of his energy.
He started on the yard and ran out of gas. So we're waiting for Dave to get back.
I'm tired but I've done very little since this morning. Mopped the floors, cleaned the sinks, and fixed the blade on the ceiling fan. It was loose and i just noticed it. Also fixed the light fixture with my trusty hot glue gun. A screw had fallen out of the ceramic socket and there was no way to put one back in. It has been this way for a long time. I just got fed up and took hot glue and put on it and stuck it up there. Presto.
I've been sitting in the den all day looking out at the oven. Here it is 7 pm and still 93 degrees. Miserable. Too miserable to enjoy my patio or yard. I've been watching t.v. shows all afternoon and writing some. I feel so stifled in the writing but I know the fix is to write. But I've done a lot, over 1500 words. in two days... about two hours work, 177 of those were done yesterday on a break. So, its ok. Becca sat and listened to me read it this afternoon to her. She cut her eyes at me and said, "So where's the rest of it?" I told her I was working on it.
Well, Dave is back and I have to go for now. Got to get the yard done. They've gone to get Sarah and she will be here shortly. I suspect stories will be in the offing. My sister has had her all afternoon and she's tired.
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