Time Killer

SIX NAMES YOU GO BY

1. Cindy

2. Cynthia

3.Mom

4. Mawmaw

5.Dixie

6. Bitch (close personal friends only...)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW

1. sleeveless cotton knit top
2. leggings

3.glasses

THREE THINGS YOU WANT VERY BADLY AT THE MOMENT

1. to write Simon's story

2. not to feel this constant hollow feeling

3. Jerry to come home

THREE PEOPLE YOU HOPE WILL DO THE MEME

1. Roselyn

2. Jilly

3. Cass

THREE THINGS YOU DID LAST NIGHT

1. had burgers with my kids

2.rocked and kissed Sarah while she slept.

3. watched two television show

THREE PEOPLE YOU LAST TALKED TO ON THE PHONE

1. Mike - son

2.My aunt

3. Becca - daughter-in-law

THREE THINGS YOU ARE GOING TO DO TOMORROW

1. go to work

2. work on packing

3. get Mike to the audiologist

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINKS

1. diet coke

2. iced tea

3. Hot cocoa

THREE THINGS THAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY

1. The little blond girl in church who is Sarah's age showing me her small red Gideon bible. "It has the all the Word in it."

2. Her little blond brother who always smiles at me with such sparkling eyes. He reminds me of two other little blond boys I knew once.

3. My pastor, he is just such an awesome man with a heart for God.

Sun, Sand and Sarah

I'm sitting beneath that red umbrella listening to the wind chimes I bought and Sarah playing in the sand box. It is a lovely day but a bit chilly for my taste. I had looked forward to short sleeves, sandals and relaxing in the sun. I got the sun. I'm wearing short sleeves. . . beneath a jacket made out of the same stuff sweatsuits are made of. I have on sandals but I had to put hose on to keep my legs warm.

I have been writing a tiny bit. I'm very dissatisfied with it all. I've got off track. We talked about it in the writers' meeting but honestly, I didn't want to hear it. But it is true. I'm not writing the story I set out to write. I have to back track a bit. Maybe do what Doug suggested and write something that can be inserted where the problem starts.... LOL at the beginning?

Dave and Becca have gone to get my lawnmower and I hope they can get it in their trunk. It is a big ole thing. But it didn't cost to get the repair done. I'm glad.I already spent too much on that truck tale. I have to get the yard cut today and then, I won't have to do anything else but finish up in the house.

I hate packing. I don't know what I need to take. I only have one bag and my carry on luggage. I'm going to carry two of those, one for the laptop and one for other items. Both will fit under the seat or in the overhead. I suspect the flight will be booked. After reading all about the problem in Europe with flights being grounded all over, I'm a bit glad this wasn't my trip to England! I want to visit but I don't know what I'd do if I got stranded like that. My poor friends would have an American house guest longer than anticipated. Of course there are several of them. Suppose I could make the rounds like a poor relation. LOL! Me with my luggage wheeling around England because the planes won't fly? OMG....

I started this around 3 this afternoon and Dave got back with my mower. So, we came in and he did yard work for me. I read stories, listened to Sarah tell knock-knock jokes. She's so funny. She laughs at her own jokes! I talked to Becca. My sister stopped by and we talked and watched Sarah. She took Sarah for a walk too. Sarah then took a nap. Mike was over to do laundry all day.

We did go to the restaurant, by the way. I have videos and photos of today's events. They will be posted shortly.

Before they left we had hamburgers. Sarah was sitting on the sofa eating a fry. She looks at me and says, "I had a good time today." We all laughed. She's 3 1/2 for heavens sake!

Which Way From Here?

It has been a very rough week, all things considered. I've been stressed at work, stressed by medical issues, and stressed by my life in general. I had brief breaks of calm in there.

Tuesday night with pizza and Dave, Becca and Sarah after that horrible day at the clinic. Saving the day for Ms Sarah Cheyenne is always a pleasure no matter what day it is. Wednesday picnic, a nice peaceful hour with a friend from writing group, Kathy. She's funny and interesting to talk to.

Wednesday night my writing group saved my day by just being themselves. I do not know where they all came from but no one can possibly ever know the anchor these five people have been in my life for almost 9 months. It is like drowning and knowing that just a short distance away is this island you can rest on before getting tossed back into the drink. You struggle to stay afloat until you circle back to that small stretch of sand again.

Today is Friday and I have to go home tonight and start cleaning house and packing. I won't have a lot of time after Sunday. I work M-W and Thursday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 a.m.

Last night was my first night with no company all week. I thought I was ready for that. I didn't want company. I went home and got in a sloppy pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt and did nothing productive... watched a t.v. show and then simply was overwhelmed by the whole week of confusion and the loneliness of decisions that I am used to having help to make, the feeling of being stupid because I can't do it.

I guess since my blog is the place I'm honest with myself, I have to just come out and say the words I never say to anyone. I'm afraid of everything. There is nothing that I do anymore that I'm not afraid of. The simplest things are frightening. I forget my medicine and I just go nuts. Did I? Did I not? When I take a trip. . . what about this, what about that, what if this, what if that. If I look around and see all the stuff that needs doing. Everything is terrifying. It is like being in a foreign country where you don't speak even a little of the language and you're lost. You try and pretend you know what your doing but inside you're rigid with this overwhelming terror. Been there, so I know.

I think the worst moments are when I think, however briefly, "I'll have to ask Jerry about that." It's kind of like being slapped. I didn't by any scope of the imagination rely on my husband to make every decision for our family. But for over 30 years I relied on him to make certain decisions, do certain things while I managed others. It was a partnership and we worked well together. In the last five, more and more and more was falling on me. And I was buckling under the weight for the last two years. You think you're stronger than you really are, at least, I did. And then comes the point at which all the supports are removed and you are under the house that just fell on you. There's no wiggle room. No way out.

So you go to sleep afraid. You wake up afraid. You muddle through your day afraid. You push back as long as you can but it gets tiring. You get so tired. And you don't know what is real.

Nothing I believed before January 29, 2009 remains. Someone changed everything, all the rules, all the questions. Now, I don't know the answers. And that's frightening, too. Because I always have.

I do not speak the language of this land. I don't have a map for this country.

Welcome to My World

I have to relate the events of my Saturday. I was so busy over the weekend that I had not had time to get on and blog about what was going on. You can see from the previous post that Sunday was hectic. Well, Saturday was no less. Monday... don't ask.

Saturday I got up early and did a few things but I had to go get Mike and rent a U-Haul truck to go get Sarah's swing. We picked the truck up around noon, bought her swing and worked the rest of the afternoon putting it up. We have a sandbox with new sand and a swing that still needs it's slide. Becca and I worked until it was too dark to see and said the slide could wait until David was home Tuesday. Sarah was getting tired and irritable and so were we. It is a nice little swing.

I thought I'd have the truck back to U-Haul by that point but I told Mike we'd get that old mattress out of his place and to a dumpster while we had it and then take the truck back. It was nearly 9 pm by then. We put the box the swing came in in the bed of the truck would dump them, too. He went to his house to get the mattress. Becca and I sat around at my house and then I took them home after about 30 minutes. The dumpster was at her place and so I waited there for Mike to bring the truck. It was convenient because the rental place was three blocks from where Becca lives.

I waited. And waited. And waited. I got tic'd. Mike has a habit of joy riding. He loves to drive and doesn't own a car now. He takes the long way around all the time. And he's not a careful driver. My mind was playing lots of games with me. I was exhausted and it was nearly 10 pm. I told her I was going home and when he got there he was to get to my house asap because I was furious with him.

I left and went down Hwy 41, a four lane, since that is the road he'd come to her house on. I figured if I saw him I just turn around and go back. It was an inconvenience to have to make another trip from my house. I had almost reached the crossroad when Becca called to tell me that Mike had called. She said he had a fish tale. Actually, she said he has wonky story about the mattress catching fire in the back of the truck. He was on the Expressway and the fire department was there. She, as well as I, didn't buy it. She gave me the number he called from and hung up saying, "Sounded like a lot of people in the background."

I called and asked for Mike. The woman who answered laughed and said, "Oh yes, we called the fire department from my phone. Hang on."

He said the mattress had caught fire in the truck. There was more but I couldn't make sense of it. I finally asked, "Where are you!?" He told me. It was just a short job from where I was by then. I could see the fire truck from where I was waiting to get on the expressway. I had to go down, and turn around and come back as he was on the opposite side.

Here's the break down. He got the mattress and put it in the back of the truck on top of the box the swing came in. This box, top and bottom were built like coffins... I could have lain down in either and still have room to put my knees up. Then he headed to where I was waiting. But the mattress blew off somewhere on the expressway. When he realized it he had to turn around and go look for it. He said he had to go around twice before he located it near the on ramp. He got there, and said the whole of one side was gone and he thought it felt warm but it wasn't on fire. He tossed it in the back of the truck and headed out again. The next thing he knew there were flames in the back of the truck. He went across three lanes of traffic, to the emergency lane, got out and pulled the now blazing mattress out on to the pavement.

The fire department was there when I pulled up to find a sodden mass of what was left of cotton batting, a twisted pile of metal coils and two partially consumed cardboard boxes. I did ask if they had ever heard of anything so crazy. One said, "Ma'am, we've heard everything."

I asked what had happened and they couldn't tell me. They posited a few ideas. A cigarette tossed on the road that the mattress landed on. I was amazed at the high level of coincidence that required and didn't buy it at all. Mike doesn't smoke either. The mattress has lain in his apartment about a month waiting to be carted off to the trash. It defied reason.

They shoveled the remains into the back of the truck and we went to dump it. I thought about it and the only thing I can really believe is that when it struck the pavement, the metal inner spring generated sparks that embedded into the cotton batting and were smoldering. He said the whole back of the bedding was gone when he flipped it over but he didn't think anything about it. He tossed it in the truck and took off. At that point, smoldering sparks got a massive dose of air, something fire must have to ignite and burn. The mattress exploded into flames.

Just my guess.

I had told one of the firemen that Mike was just bringing the thing to my house to for the trash pick up. He smiled and said, "Now you don't have to worry about it."

This is a typical day in my life, folks. I swear to you with my hand up.

Sunny Monday, with a Cherry on Top

The day dawned with beautiful sunshine! Birds were chirping like mad. There was a chill in the air I had to turn on the heat for a bit. I had turned off it over the weekend, even had to turn on some air at one point because the house had become chilly as the sun went down. I'm sure it will warm up in a few hours.My shoulder and knees were the only thing troubling me but that shoulder is the biggest problem.

We went to church yesterday, well Mike and I did in the morning. Becca was sick and Dave had to work. But we all went Sunday night. We had a visiting minster, Chris Leach. He's probably in his 30's, so a young man. He's been ministered in our church a couple of times since Jerry died. It is always an extraordinary service. He's a really good preacher and we almost always have a packed house when he's there. I did not get to go on Saturday night but I am glad I went yesterday. If any of you are familiar with prophetic ministers you will know what I mean when I say that he has a prophetic ministry. This means that during a service he goes directly to a person and speaks to them things God had given him specifically for that person and then he prayers whatever prayer is necessary for their life. A couple of weeks ago we had a different minister who also has a ministry similar to this. They usually preach and then turn the last of the service over to a healing ministry. We've had a few others over the years but it is a rare gift they possess. When I was a child you saw it frequently.

I always stand in awe at the move of God during these services. People get healed both spiritually and physically. We usually have a lot of visitors and to watch their faces when told things no one can know is both amusing and a joy. It is as if they suddenly realize that all their troubles are not theirs alone and that God was listening. I've never seen a single person who did not break into tears when these men revealed something to them. The people who are first time visitors have the most powerful reaction because they know no one there!

I said David was able to go last night and to the one a few weeks ago. For David it has been a profound experience. As his mother, there were things he was told that no one knew but Becca and I. We looked at one another and laughed when this man told David to stop worrying about his finances and that he had a dream of opening his own business and God was going to help him. That has never been discussed in our family but David had told me once a long time ago he'd like to have his own business.

Becca and I laughed again when he said, "Stop worrying about your weight. God's going to help you lose weight. It is going to fall off so fast you'll wonder where it went!"

No one knew he was wanting to lose weight but the three of us. David had not been to church in months, maybe a couple of times since his dad died over a year ago. And not to my church most of those times. The minister who visited us a month ago told him God was going to heal the problem with his feet! Dave has flat feet and has always had problems with them hurting. We've never talked about it because, well, his feet have always been flat. It just was. But that night, David had actual sores on his feet. When the minister said this to him, I looked at Becca and said, "What's wrong with David's feet?" She said he had sores on them from standing so much. He's been coming home from work in agony with them. He sits and cries because they hurt so much." I was shocked, first because I didn't know how bad it was and second because there was no way that man could know that. That was last month. He says his feet don't bother him.

I can only say the effect on David has been wonderful. He's hopeful. He's excited again about what God will do for him. He's looking forward to his life. Please do not tell me these are snake oil salesmen. I know better.

Did I get prayer? Yes. Actually, he prayed for me twice. Once yesterday morning. On Sunday morning during a part of the service where everyone was praying, he walked over, put his hand on my head, and just prayed a short simple prayer for me. But last night I was sitting on the pew watching him minister to other people and he pointed to me and said, "Come up here please, I want to pray for you."

You who have read my blog can be the judge. Remember, I've only see this man twice before and never had conversations with him. He comes into the service during the worship phase and leaves the service as soon as he stops preaching. He isn't from my state. This is what he said to me.

"You love God. You cherish God. I'm going to pray for you to get your joy back. God is going to deliver you from" - he paused here and studied me and I wish I could describe his face, what I saw in his eyes but I can't. I don't know what he was seeing but it was painful - "whatever this thing is that has taken your joy. God is telling me that he is going to break the chains that are holding back your joy. This chain comes from something in the past, do you understand that?" I only nodded. "God's going to break this chain and restore the joy of the Lord to you. He drew a wave pattern in the air and said, "You're like a roller coaster. You always have to work so hard to get up there" he pointed to the peak. "but when you come down you come down so fast and you have to climb back up and it is hard for you because your mind opens and it just all floods in on you. But God is going to deliver you tonight and your joy is going to return." Then he prayed for me.