Sunday Morning with a Laughs

Oh boy, I needed this. My dad sent it in an email. Anyone who's ever has surgery will really enjoy it. LOL and some of these guys are easy on the eyes!




And my favorite song is......

Friday Fun

Finally Friday! The sun is shinning but I'm stuck beneath the tower and won't actually see much until noon. I hope it stick around until I get off work.

I was randomly cruising and ran across something cool. Watch this video. I don't know why we can't have stairs like this everywhere!

Gold In the Trees

Sunshine!?? Yes, it is! Amazing.

I have a headache. Had an odd one yesterday and today, another that is probably a migraine. My BP was up when I got up, I'm sure. I'll take it again before I leave. I have an appt with the doctor this afternoon so I'll mention this to him. I do not think the meds they give me work really well at times. But when pain is higher, so is the BP so I don't know if it would make a difference.

The dwarfs are calling! COMING! Keep your shirts one!
{grabbing bags, jacket and dashing off}

Hi ho, Hi ho
It's off to work we go
(whistles)
Hi ho, Hi ho, Hi ho............................................

Buy Buy American Pie

Got this in my email. LOVE IT!

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I've just read all the comments to several posts. You are all so funny at times. I've provided humor and that's comforting.And you made me laugh, particularly Jilly and Cass! Must put on my list to ship Reese Cups to England. Every civilized nation should have them! And Cass, I can send a nice hairpiece if you need it. You know, I've known so many people who had curly hair after chemotherapy! But all their hair came out. Sounds as if you just had a tonsure thing going on.

Several of you mentioned my dream/sleep issues. Actually, I DO have a sleep disorder. Have for about two decades. Treated for it. Disrupted sleep patterns caused by a child who never slept. I got would clench my teeth at night and resulted in TMJ. Had to sleep with a splint for a couple of years. When I had some dental work done a few years ago much of that problem disappeared. I don't clench much anymore.

But NOT dreaming would be a bigger concern in a sleep disorder. If you aren't dreaming, you are not getting the right kind of sleep. Dreaming is actually good for you as it allows the mind to decompress from stresses. This may often manifest as nightmares.

When I do dream I always have vivid dreams... in color. Or at least I remember colors when I wake up. I used to dream long elaborate dreams that I tried writing down whenever possible. With the increase in my pain problems, there was a marked decrease in restful sleep and dreaming virtually stopped. Or I didn't remember them at all. It was more likely the former since I was not getting REM sleep, which is where dreams happen.

I used do something at times... well, when I dreamed . . . called lucid dreaming. Didn't know that is what it was called for years. My dad told me about it. You basically know in the dream that you are dreaming and can control the dream. Years ago he told me he likes to skydive and so if he dreams about falling, he changes it to skydiving! I tired it a few times in a different kind of dream and it worked. It isn't easy to do. Not sure I could do it again. Been years since I tried. You have to have a cue when you dream to signal that you're dreaming. There are articles on it out there if you're interested.

Since October of 2008 I started dreaming again after a cervical block in my neck helped my pain... gradually building up to my old pattern of elaborate dreams... in color. In the last several months the dreams have been frequent... and I like that. It was always normal for me. But last night's was a doozy. If you think about it there wasn't a whole lot in what I said to sound frightening. However, the view from the plane, which I didn't describe, was a country devastated by war or something. I knew we were at risk of being shot down. The feeling of something important happening was clear.

I suspect the nightmares are simply a result of the stress I'm under in my personal life and at my job. I do have dreams that are neither scary or interesting. They are usually nonsense. However, I'm am also firm believer in prophetic dreams and that dreams often have an interpretation. And, as I've mentioned before, I used to have dreams that happen fairly often. I'd just as soon not.

So, I doubt a sleep study will tell me anymore than I know now... I don't generally sleep well due to pain but when I do sleep well, I dream -- a good sign to me. Even nightmares serve a purpose.


Have a good night, everyone!

But it won't tell me what the dreams mean... unless it is beans. And I can usually figure that one out.

It is bed time now. I went to the Y tonight for the hydrobics class. It is always good but exhausting. Sarah and Becca went. We almost couldn't get Sarah out of the water. She loves it. But her lips were purple and she was shivering.

My writing friends, Sarah and Kathy, showed up and stopped to say hello. So sweet of them. I am so blessed to have good friends who take time to just stop say hi. I was wet from playing with my Sarah but friend Sarah braved a hug anyway. They were on their way to workout.

We don't have writer's meeting until the end of the month. I miss them all and wish it was sooner. They all make me laugh and I seem to need vast quantities of that.

I'm tired now. I know there was more I wanted to write. Can't think of it. Yawning all over the place.

Am I Sleeping

It's Monday. Again. I suppose I should be grateful for the "again" but it is never a good Monday. I got up ok. Dressed ok. Did my hair ok. And that's about it. Cried for 15 minutes before I made myself get out of the house.

I had nightmares last night. But it is at the point I can't tell if I'm sleeping or awake where nightmares are concerned. When I think of the years, literally years, when I could not, did not dream, prayed to dream it is frustrating to now be having vivid dreams. Of course, that means I'm sleeping in REM, the best sleep. But it isn't the best if you wake in the middle of the night to see where you are and what's after you.

I say it was a nightmare. I don't know. It "felt" like one. I was with these people and there was something going on in the country so that we had to stay out of sight. We had to go somewhere and someone got a plane for us. They told us we couldn't fly above 200 feet to avoid being seen. (I know, anyone on the ground could see us at that height). I don't know what it means, I just was along for the ride. We landed at this airfield in the middle of nowhere. I remember thinking "that thing is visible from the air and anyone looking for people trying to hide will see it." Someone said or I thought "We hide it after we land." {shrug} No idea.

Anyway, we got off this plane and I was with some man. I have never seen him before. Remember in dreams you are one place and then you are somewhere else... no scenery in between. Now, we were in this town or village, walking behind the buildings, in an alley large enough to drive a car through. The fenced back yards of house were on either side and bushes, hedges and weeds grew up along the fences and edges of the yards. We went into a building from the back and I could hear music and laughter. It was the kitchen and it was filled with these people working. I want to say they were all dressed in red pants and yellow shirts.

Things get a bit chaotic here. This man, with me following, stepped into this hallway and we looked around a corner. A young boy or small man was about to go on this stage. The man I was with grabbed him and ran, yelling for me to follow. I looked and a huge man was lunging at me. I ran. I could hear that big man behind me, knocking things down, shoving all those people in the kitchen. I just ran, following the man. In the alley we ran hard and then we darted through an opening in a hedge and ran around into a yard with a hedge so thick you could hardly see through it. The three of us squatted and watched the big man run laboriously by in pursuit of us.

I woke up.

I hate chase dreams, particularly when I'm being chased. I don't know who these people are or what I'm doing. I have no idea what it means.

And I'm tired.

Any Josephs around?

And That's the Way We Wash. . .

I tried to post around noon today but Multiply went down in the process. I had to copy it and save it until it came back up... a short while ago. I hate it when they do that unannounced... or did they?

So written before noon this morning --
Laundry day for me. I've been washing clothes for the last few hours, putting away clean laundry, picking up debris that accumulates throughout the week, washing dishes, and cleaning sinks. I cleaned off the top of the dryer. If you're one of those lucky people who have a nice laundry room... goody. Mine is a virtual closet off the kitchen and just big enough to turn around in. The top of the washer and dryer become shelving. And soap, softener, and stain removers end up spilled on top of the dryer. Fortunately, they clean up fairly well. I've got to get some Contact paper to cover it again. Rust spots are forming. Oh well, it still works. . . for the moment.

I've also been running scans on the laptop... it is running kind of sluggish. I loaded something last night and I think that was the culprit. I've since uninstalled it and sure enough, lots of adware was found during one of my scans. I'll do other things but at the moment a virus scan is in progress and it is taking forever because it is a deep scan.

It took about 4 hours to physically get out of bed. I was awake at 5:30 and since the sun wasn't going to come up I figured no point in getting out of bed. I turned on the laptop... that's when I found it sluggish, and did a video blog that is just the pits so don't go watch it. My last several blogs have been bad. I'm considering closing these mental tortures. It just depresses everyone and I really don't want to do that. People will stop coming if all I do is moan and groan all the time. So closing it is a sensible option. I'll think about it a few days. It will mean it won't post to Blogger or Facebook.

It is amazing that the phone has not rung but one time this morning. My aunt called. I'm sure she was worried. We chatted a bit but I don't think we were good company for one another. She was upset about other things and I wasn't much help to her either.

My writing friend, Sarah, was online for a bit this morning and chatted with me. She's a lovely person to have around. Her compassion and concern is so sincere. She never lets your rotten mood get her down and spends a great deal of effort to pull you up to her level, which is very high, by the way. You can get a head rush from it. She's probably the most positive person I know. Probably good for her to poke me once in awhile to see if I'm still breathing.

Mike hasn't called but he's asleep, no doubt. We have to go to the store for him today. I do not wish to go out. If he wasn't such a terrible driver, I'd let him take my car.

I think I am hungry but nothing sounds good. I looked in the cabinets and it is all pretty basic. I never liked frozen or canned foods. I always cooked from scratch until I went to work. Then, Jerry had to share the load of cooking and could only cook from a box. I did teach him a few things, like pan fried pork chops. No grease, just season salt, rosemary and plop them in the pan and cook until they are done. Wonderful with mac & cheese as a side or mashed potatoes. You can make a gravy with the drippings. I have a chili rice dinner I always made too that was really good. They all loved it and it was a one pan meal. {sigh} No reason to cook like that now.

I'm so tried but a nap just means no sleep tonight. I'll go sit and stare at the clock. Ever notice how the minute hand has this little hesitation before each second it ticked off, as if it wants to prolong each second and reluctantly moves to the next? It does. Oh a few expensive watches have a smooth moving second hand, sweep second they call it, but the average wall clock has a small hesitation and so do a lot of watches. Believe me, I know this.

That was where the system went down. So, to pick up where I left off....

I did go shopping with Mike around 2 p.m. and got home around 5 p.m.. I despise shopping. I'm so tired tonight I can't see straight. I'm on my way to the shower and bed. I do not remember being as tired as I am tonight. I'm sure I must have been at some point in the past. I've done nothing since I got home. . . oh, well, I don't think I have. Honestly, I do not remember what I've been doing. I did go out and change the filter on the central unit. Good thing. The screws were lost. Dave told me that last time he changed it for me but he said it was closed fine. Actually, it wasn't sealed well. I had to come back in and dig around for screws and prayed to find three. I picked three identical screws from a box of hundreds of mixed screws. Thankfully, they fit perfectly and the panel is now closed tightly.

I've read stuff online but do not remember what. Uhmmm.... I think that is all. Oh... cleaned the toilet after buying a new toilet brush... a really good one actually.

Done. Shower and bed. I hope to sleep and not way before dawn... if it dawns.

End of Another Week

Not an auspicious beginning to the weekend. Gray, gray, gray, wet, wet, wet cotton batting was rolled across the skies last night and settled heavily today. Based on the maps, it won't be gone until another work week starts. And once it comes out, I'll see no sun except possibly through a window. By next weekend there will be more rain and more clouds.

I've had a headache for two days. Finally took an Imitrex around the middle of the morning and it cleared up sometime this afternoon. Came home, stopping by the pharmacy to pick up some scripts that were waiting, and promptly went into a depressed state where I sat and cried and talked to no one and the house resonated with no response.

At 6:30 I remembered to take my medicines and after about an hour I was upright again. A hot shower made me long for a vat of hot water but it was better than nothing. I opened some canned beef stew that wasn't really any good. I made hot cocoa and toaster strudel and promptly burnt the roof of my mouth.

I'm going to bed I think. No use sitting up. It isn't going to be a very useful weekend anyway. I'd like to sleep but even that seems to be something I'm denied. I'll feel lucky to get 5 hours.

I've asked myself over and over what anything means. We spend lifetimes accumulating things - house, cars, possessions, families and photographs of it all. And at the end of the day, when it is all gone, it means absolutely nothing to anyone else.

I sat on the edge of my bed and looked around at this box I live in. A treasure chest filled with my life. A coffin of sorts, I guess. I noticed some pictures on the wall in front of me. I bought them when Michael was about Sarah's age or maybe a bit younger.He's 30 now and she's 3 1/2. We lived in Fayetteville, N. Carolina. I remembered how much I liked them and still do. The scenes look like old English villages painted on foil. I've taken such good care of them because I just loved them. They've traveled thousands of miles safely wrapped to prevent the glass breaking. At one time, they gave me pleasure to look at them. I doubt anyone else will ever care for them at all.

The place is filled with such stuff, things I thought were of value, meant something, would someday mean something to others. And I realized that they're pretty much meaningless. I tried to remember exactly why they meant so much to me. But I can't.

As I sat on the couch earlier and talked to no one, I could hear the clock on the wall. Everyone who comes here says it has the loudest ticking sound they've ever heard. It is just a five dollar wall clock you can get virtually anywhere. But it is loud. I hear it all the time. For some reason it ticks louder at night, as if it wants to remind you that while you sleep time doesn't. It is my virtual hourglass. Rather than watch the sand slip silently through the slot, I listen to the tick, tick, tick of time passing. Like things, it is pretty meaningless. I have very little sense of time at all, in fact. I forget things. So, I don't much tell time. What could I tell it? Unlike sand the in the hourglass, I can't turn it over and start again.

Early Morning

Woke up at 4:30... no, I did not get up. I was hurting ALL over. I think the front was passing through. I went back to sleep. Woke at 5:45. I got up after I lay there for a few minutes trying to find a place on my body that was not screaming at me. I got up and dressed. Took about an hour for the worst of it to pass off. Now I have general pain... pretty much everywhere but I can walk.

My aunt read my blog and thought I had a car accident. She called to fuss because I had not called her. I did NOT have an accident. Only a near miss. Some of you have suggested medicine as a factor. I've been taking the same medications for years. It isn't medicine. I only started this since Jerry died, not before. My mind isn't working well a lot of the time. Very hard to concentrate at times. I think something in all of this has just been too much. I don't know when or even if it will correct itself. Maybe if I could retire to a nice quiet little town and write and sit in the sun all day, I might get better.

The day has been total chaos... so what else is new? I have not been able to do the work I need to do because my "other duties" have taken priority. I'm so tired of this. I get behind and get stressed because of this.

I'm going home and going to bed unless I can sit in the sun for just a little while. That'd be so nice.....

Off to a Bad Start

It isn't a very good day today. I kept waking up during the night as if something was wrong. Can't put my finger on it. Woke up very stressed and felt as if something was wrong. I didn't want to leave the house.

A block from work, I ran a red light and nearly got hit. I was sitting AT the red light and just drove off. I have no idea why or what I was thinking. The light sort of just disappeared and I didn't know anything until a car coming at me blew its horn. Even then I was through the intersection when the horn registered and I looked in my rear view mirror before I realized what I'd done. I am getting nervous about driving because this has become common place with me. That was never the case before and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know why I'm doing it! I am just glad I prayed before I left home.

Mike is not answering his phone, which isn't terribly unusual as he never goes to bed until the small hours of the morning but today, I really need him to answer the phone. He had another headache last night and had nothing to take. I think he is taking too much of the headache medicine. I don't know why he's having the headache so much. I couldn't get up and go out for headache medicine and he has no money or he could have gone down to the pharmacy a few blocks from his house. At any rate, my mental state this morning is not good and it worries me that he isn't answering his phone. Probably needless worry. And I don't relish climbing the stairs to his apartment. They are very high and my knees are killing me this week. And since he is deaf he may not hear me pounding on the door. He doesn't hear the phone ringing.

I'm going now. I have been working on this since before work started. I don't know what else I can do to sort all of this out.

Another Day in the Mines

Seems like it anyway. Heavy overcast. Storms moving in. Not much different from a mine where it is dark and gloomy and there is always a threat of something falling on your head. I'm sitting here at my desk looking at all the stuff I have to shovel. I don't want to.

Went to the Y last night. It was fine. Well, for the most part. Do you know it is very hard to carry on a conversation with someone standing stark naked in front of you? Really. I'm getting things out of my locker to go home and a young woman turns around and starts telling me about her workout. ormally, I'd stand around and chat but she's standing there without a stitch on. I don't know her at ALL - never saw her before and I'm seeing WAY too much of her. She begins by telling me She hasn't worked out in three years. I'd say longer. She said she had just spent an hour and 45 minutes working out. I'm thinking she'll feel that tomorrow.

When I told my friend Carolyn about it, she said "And you're standing there thinking, 'Are you embarrassed? Because I sure am!'" Oh, and I'm sorry but some people should be more ashamed of being naked than others. I wanted to say, "Honey, cover that up!"

No way would I appear in front of all those women like that. I take my suit off behind the curtain in the shower, shower and wash my hair, wrap up in my huge towel, get my gear and head for a toilet stall, where I dress. Then I dry my hair and go home.

Ok, now that I've made your hair stand on end, get up and get a brush. I gotta get my shovel.

Off to Work

Monday.

Mild pain in neck.

Work.

Y tonight.

Bed by 10... I hope.

Need I say more?

What A Little Sun Can Do

The sun is blinding today. I know they expect it to be short lived. I will be glad for longs days of sun. I may actually go stand in it for a short time if it is still around after church!

I'm on my way to church. I have to stop and pick up Mike. Then, I'm picking up Becca and Sarah. Dave is working this morning. I'm glad they are going with me. It is always better when they do. I don't feel so adrift. I know that sounds crazy. I can't help that. I hate sitting there staring at empty spaces and expecting a tall form to be there.



Cruise in 48 days! That is what it says on top of the Carnival page. I think I'll get plenty of sun then.

I'm out now. I don't know when I'll get back home this afternoon. We usually have lunch and then take a short nap before church. Hope you all have a great day.

Pray for Kat

Kat's mother passed away today. She and her daughter drove down to Texas yesterday and was able to spend time with her mom this morning. She said she was lucid and I am glad that she was able to have last week and today with her mother. They were able to talk and laugh together before she died.

Keep them in your prayers. It is a hard road to walk and they will need them. At the moment she says she is fine but I have no doubt it gets more difficult as the days pass.

A Friday with Sun

Nice. Sun is already gilding the ground outside the window. I'm always glad of a sunny day but I do so, with fingers and toes crossed, that tomorrow is even sunnier.

I picked up my ring yesterday after I had it repaired. I was so happy to get it back. I have to stop wearing it where it will get damaged. I've put it back on my right hand but I don't think it matters. It just has such a high profile that it gets hung on stuff when I'm working. I really want to wear it though and will have to be very careful what I do.

I had a meeting with the counselor at 5 last night. Dan and I basically just chatted. He too, says I'm funny. {shakes head} I guess I must be. Enough people keep saying it. I don't imagine I'll be going back. We both sort of felt it. He told me to come back anytime I thought I needed to and he'd be glad to see me. I told him that I didn't think there was anything he could really do for me. He can't fix this and neither can I. He nodded and said, "Remember I told you 18 months to two years to recover. You only have a year under your belt."

On my way out he said, "I don't know how your husband kept up with you! You're mind just goes so fast I have a hard time keeping up at times." He said he had to really concentrate at times to keep up with me. I told he had to stay awake. Then, I laughed and told him I didn't know if I'd just been insulted or complimented. He told me it was a compliment and he enjoyed talking to me. I gave him a hug and said good-by.

I got home around 6:30 and got my shower, decided on a sandwich for supper since Carolyn and I had Chinese for lunch when I picked up my ring. The jewelry store was almost right next door to the restaurant. I had a couple of phone calls but I was in bed by 7:30 and read until close to 9 when I could no longer stay awake. Lights out. Slept like a rock, but I had a rough night. I had a nightmare and woke up around 11:30 and made a potty trip... I think.... {shakes head} not sure about the potty. Woke up again around 3 a.m. and again at 6:30 but I didn't get up until 7. For a bit I still felt exhausted and wanted to go back to bed but another day at the mines looms. I hope it passes quickly.

I'm supposed to spend the night with Sarah tonight. When I get off I'll get my stuff and go over there. I don't know how well it will go. I don't sleep well at lot of times and not sure how an air mattress will do me. We'll see. I may have to come home.

I"m on my way to work now. I have to stop and get breakfast but that's fine. I didn't open the computer last night when I went to bed but read instead. I did check mail when I got online but quickly got off when I was done.

Oh, Kat left to go back to Texas yesterday about her mother. Her daughter was going as well. I could tell she was concerned on Wednesday night. She sent me a text message at work yesterday that her mom was struggling. Keep her in your prayers.

Writers's Asylum Meeting Success

We had Writers' Asylum meeting tonight. It is always such fun to have them over. And we hammered out a slogan.. courtesy of the Snowgoon, aka Goon. ( Actually he said it and the inmates all howled approval.)

Here is the new slogan for the Writers' Asylum Writing Group: "You don't have to be crazy, you just have to be committed."

Kathy is working on the logo. Looks really cool so far.

We critiqued Katie tonight, offering her lots of feedback and suggestions that I think will really help her in her writing. She has a good start to a story. One suggestion we really think is a good idea for anyone wanting to write, take your favorite book and critique it. Look at all aspects of it. Take it apart and study the structure, the techniques used and how the writer kept the story moving.

We finished just a bit later than usual. They sat around and listened to me for half an hour. Now that's friends for you. There is just a warmth and security you can't get anywhere else but in the presence of people who you know really care about you. I always say this but it can't be said enough. I love you gals.... and Goon.

I immediately got my shower and am piled in bed doing my final post of the day. I almost forgot it. I'm tired tonight.

I did my presentation this morning. Went fine. Only about 8 people in attendance. Two just wanted to whine in public rather than call the office. I guess they wanted witnesses to their complaints. Suites me. Doesn't change what is.

Its been a difficult week and I haven't done a lot. Told the group tonight I was at a point I was ready to chuck writing into the Ohio and watch it drift away on the tide. I'm just worn out for some reason. I'm needing more sleep than usual. But it is probably because the days at work have been more stressful and hectic. There were 193 tenants between 8:15 and 2:30! And I was out for about two hours of that. We had a lunch break as well of an hour and a half. So, basically, seven clients for each of six case managers every hour for five hours. Something like that. It was a long day.

And tomorrow is only Thursday.

So, good night all. May the sun shine on you all in the morning.

Downhill...

Considering most of the week has been, I suppose I shouldn't be surprise it is Wednesday. The only redeeming quality I see is that Writer's Asylum will meet tonight. I'll get to visit with some funny people and talk about what we all like to do in our "free" time, which none of us have enough of.

I went to bed at 7:30 because I simply couldn't see very well. I didn't intend to doze off but I guess I did because I had a phone call wake me around 8:30. I was so exhausted last night and wasn't even aware of how much so. I chatted with friends for a bit but I was kind of worried that my nap may have finished my night. Not so. I shut the light out again at 11:30 and I was out in minutes. Slept all night until the clock went off at 6:30. No, I did not want to get up.

We have 193 recertification appointments today between 8:15 a.m. and 3 p.m. with an hour and a half for everyone to take lunch. That is 7 people every 15 minutes for 6 case managers. While that is going on, I have to give a presentation at the Apartment Association at 10 so I will leave within an hour of the start of recerts and probably not get back until after lunch.

Our department has an hour and a half to do the presentations. There will be my boss, one inspector and me. Originally it was planned that two others would go but when I pointed out that we had so many people coming in it would be a mad house, he had to change it.

Ok, got to hit the road. I need about another hour of sleep, I think. But not to be. I'll stop and get breakfast. Have a good day.

No sun again.

One Down and Four To Go

Tuesday. Good Lord, how many clouds could there possibly be? They've taken up permanent residence over Indiana just to keep me annoyed.

There must be a terrible drought somewhere. Clouds are water vapor in the air. So if all that water is trapped in clouds, the ground must be really dry somewhere.

I'm tired. I have a cold that seems to be getting a bit worse. Still it is only a mild one so maybe I should take something. But what? It is a head cold at this point with a mild cough starting now. I need to be in bed but I spent the day there Sunday and it didn't help much.

This afternoon I have an eye exam and my teeth cleaned. I need the glasses but my teeth, well, my insurance pays for it so I'm going. But they always say they're very clean. Helps if you brush your teeth regularly with the right stuff. Get an electric tooth brush, too.

Went to the Y. Arm is o.k. Back hurts and neck and they did before I went to bed. I knew I was straining it because I was in too deep. But the class is too big this time. They let a lot of people in who weren't registered and so it is crowded.

Dave and Becca came over after I came home and we had pizzas and of course stories and puzzles. I told someone she chases the dark with golden hair, sunny smiles and giggles. She is just a doll baby and always cheers me up a bit. David worked on my shoulder some and it helped. Sarah told him "Be careful, Daddy, you'll hurt Mawmaw. She's fragile."

I still didn't go to bed until late. I think I probably should tonight. I'm very tired. Probably the cold on top of everything else.

God, I'm a mess. I should make this kind of stuff private, I suppose. Who wants to read a bunch of whining, moaning, groaning, mess. I have to get to work anyway so I'll stop here.

Don't let me rain on your day. I expect nature will do enough of that. For those who have sun. Take photos so you can remember it. I saw Jilly did. Looked so lovely in her back yard. I'd love to sit on that bench in the corner she has and watch the birds.

Another Gray Monday

No sun today. Once again the clouds have blanketed the sky in thick batting. It isn't as cold as it has been, currently 39 degrees but still cold.

I wanted to stay in bed today. I suppose you could say I pray every morning before I go to work. I'm praying before I ever get out of bed. I don't feel overly pious about it. I'm simply repeating certain phrases. "God help me" seems to be the most predominate one. It would be funny if it wasn't pathetic.

I seem to have a stomach issue. I had it yesterday afternoon and last night. My stomach just didn't feel really good. Still doesn't today. Grumbly feelings and not good. I've had to go to the bathroom several times and I'm afraid I shouldn't go to the Y tonight. But it so helped my arm last week.

The pain has been much better this week, a sure sign it is fibro rather than something else. I suspect when I injured the muscle months ago it set up the cycle for the fibro to attack that muscle. The only thing that helps is working the muscle, even when it hurts. And I have to work through the pain rather than wait for the pain to stop. Just about kills you for the first ten minute but honestly, if you stick it out, it gets better after that. I know it is crarzy but it does work.

So, I'd really like to go, even though I want to go to bed. The lesser of two evils is depression. The pain only makes that worse so if I get relief from the pain, I'm ahead... well, it looks like I'm ahead to me.

On a slightly positive note, don't dare get too may of those in a depressing entry, I'm sleeping better since I moved the bed. I moved the night table to the other side of the bed and I now sleep on that side. I still don't like it much because my back is to the door and that was the side Jerry slept on but moving it has helped. I must know that the phone, light and tissue is on that side because I roll over there now to sleep. Silly. At any rate, it has taken some pressure off the left side. I still roll that way but not as much I did.

I'm stopping now and getting back to work. The day has passed quickly, thankfully. I will make my mind up about the Y later. See if the stomach improves.

A Sunday in Bed

I woke up early this morning, just before 8. The plan was to fix my hair, which I had rolled last night, and go to church. I felt hideous. I shut off the alarm and went back to bed. I've been up twice to go to the bathroom, once to get coffee and the muffin I bought yesterday for today's breakfast. the rest of the day I have sat here in bed waiting for time to pass. It has just gone past the lunch hour. I've been looking at movies to watch but actually, I can't get past the first five or 10 minutes of anything. I've switched several times.

I was reading something, not a novel, just a devotional, around 9 o'clock and out of the blue this amazing . . . vision if you will, rushed at me of me running to meet Jerry and throwing my arms around him and he spinning me around. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No idea why or whence it came. It was cruel and painful and ripped me to shreds. I've been here in bed for hours and I do not know when I will be able to get up and face reality. I do not want to get up. I do not want to think. And I do not want to hear platitudes. If one more person tells me it will get better, they're going to find out how many swear words I actually learned listening to Daddy when he drank.

I want to get something to eat but nothing appeals to me. There isn't really anything in the fridge to fix. I've let it get empty. I'm going to give my large freezer to Dave and Becca. They have use for it. If I need anything else, I'll just find me a small chest type. I have a few things in the refrigerator freezer but I usually fill it up with ice trays. I drink a lot of iced tea, sodas, and water.

I also have a cold... nose was all stuffy for several days now. I think I should go see about food. It really is too much bother, though. I'm just really very tired.

And yes, I'm taking the stuff for depression. I'm not depressed. I don't know what I am. Hollow, empty, dejected, filled with an unendurable sense of loss, a sense of never finding my way back, shrouded in a mist that clears briefly but then shrouds me in a thick cloud.

I tired to sleep but couldn't get to sleep. Kat called around 1 and I talked with her for a bit. I am afraid I was not much in a chatting mood. I was very down but it was a good thing to have to think not think about my own life and laugh at some of the things she has seen while she was there. We, of course, talked about writing and how we were going to handle the next set of scenes in the Inkwell. Initially we had intended to be done by now but life interfered. So we'll be stretching it out for at least another week. We've both been working on things that will fill the week up and I hope by next weekend we can get the culmination out there.

I think we've both got a lot of stuff from this experience and we're read to move to another idea or story line.

I finally fixed something to eat about 2. I was beginning to feel strange and figured I should probably eat and see it I felt better. I don't know if I did or not. I feel very disconnected and not sure what that means.

Then, I decided to take the rollers out and fix my hair. I hate it. It looks horrible. I don't like it at all but it 's up and shall remain. I think part of it is that I looked in the mirror and realized I look old today. I didn't recognized myself for a minute. And all the white hair that was visible on the rollers was a real shock. I hadn't noticed when I was rolling it last night but this morning, there was the nearly white head of hair in the front. I wasn't happy with it and it only served to feed an already bad mood.

I'm still in bed. I have to dress in a couple of hours but until then, I'll stay right here. I need to get something to drink too as I may be a bit dehydrated. I've had two cups of coffee, one glass of juice and a glass of iced tea all day... well, except for the water when I took my pills.

This is a totally worthless, depressing post. Sorry, I can't fix it.