There is an old song (well not too old since I remember Elvis singing it) called "It Over". Monday is, to all intents and purposes over. I hate my job today. I told my boss I considered quitting when I woke up this morning. Of course I can't do that. It isn't an option.
Unless I win the lottery.
I don't believe in the lottery and never bought tickets before. I think my husband bought one once. But my boss plays it religiously. He goes around spending his winning... which he has yet to obtain. As a joke, I' tossed a few dollars at him telling him that it is money down a black hole but if he feels luck then I'm game. He laughed. I've been right so far. But sometimes I wish God had a perverse sense of humor and would let one of those dollars win the big pot. Proving that my lack of faith in anything is incorrect. Neither I nor God are laughing at this point.
No, I do not regularly play the lottery. Never have played before now. Last time I looked stupidity wasn't a sin. Be terrible if it was since there is sooooo much of it. But I'm two dollars broker. And that is probably a bigger sin. I would have been anyway when I spent it on a coke and apple pie that are neither good for me. Do not go out and buy lottery tickets. They are a waste of money. I don't advocate it. But I told him today that when I woke up I wanted to quit my job and if I felt even the least lucky I'd buy a ticket. If I dreamed the numbers tonight I might be very tempted.
I went to the doctor. I have bursitis in my upper arm and am to go to the orthopaedic doctor. They will give me a shot of cortisone to get rid of the pain. You know, I seem to recall months ago hitting my arm up there and thinking, "that's going to hurt tomorrow." I don't remember thinking about it again. But apparently, IT didn't forget. I can't remember what I hit but I hit it rather hard. Now, I can hardly brush my hair, can't lift a coffee mug from the shelf, and can't carry some items in a certain way without terrible pain. My arm just won't comply without biting me. And my shoulder is giving me fits on top of that.
My doctor told me to TAKE caffeine. He said my migraine was a rebound headache. I don't think so.I think I was dehydrated. I had the headache when I got up. I had coffee last night so I wasn't short of it. I've stopped trying to tell him anything on this issue. There all believe caffeine cause headaches and I don't doubt it does in some people. It has never affected me that way and my own evidence tells me it helps me stay migraine free longer. When I told him they get worse in the fall and better after spring, he said, "Oh, that sounds as if you have an allergy!" I told him I had reached that conclusion some time ago but didn't know what to do. So, we are going to get a spray and he will schedule me for allergy shots. Anyone ever had those? Do they work? Forever or just until they end?
My blood sugar is excellent he said.... still. I forgot to get my vitamin D refill. I'm tied. I don't want to go to the store. I'm sick and don't want to go to the Y either.
My blog is dismal, boring, and unenlightening. I hate being this way. Look back at some of the post two years ago. I had a BRAIN at some point. I actually could think for short periods of time. I know there are some lousy posts too but there were some thought provoking ones, interesting one, funny ones. People actually WANTED to read them. Now I feel as if everyone sees the title and wonders what ails me today. "Wonder what she's whining about now?" "How long can she yammer on about that?" "When will she get a clue that we are BORED?"
Don't say you haven't thought it. I have!
I do not like being a curmudgeon. I wonder what happened to the nice southern girl with the lovely manners who never spoke her mind but allowed everyone to speak theirs? What happened to the girl who believed everyone was nice, or good, or salvageable?
Beats me. Not sure she was even real.
You know, sometimes in my mind, I can actually seem myself 30 years ago, walking along with my arm in Jerry's and we're laughing and having a great time. I don't remember a care in the world. They rested on such broad, strong shoulders. I didn't have any reason to be concerned about anything. He always fixed it. Until he got sick. And I resented that he didn't fix things anymore because I didn't know he was sick. And now, I just want someone else to carry the load because it is way too much for me. I'm really just tired. I think sometimes my shoulder hurts because of the load I'm carrying on it.
Monday is over and the bathroom is warm now.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Monday Morning Blahs
I woke to find a dusting of snow on the ground and was so stressed I didn't want to leave the house. I've been depressed all weekend and missing Jerry terribly. I can't do anything about it.
I have a mild migraine headache on top of that. I think I may take something in a bit if it isn't better.
I had to go get that lab work done that I keep forgetting. They had to stick me twice in the back of my hand and said they still did not get enough. I think I was dehydrated. I had not had anything to drink and I was sweating when I woke up. The reason for my headache most likely. My doctor will probably be annoyed. I don't care.
My sister's tenant moved out of her rental unit. She is stressed and as a result so am I. I wish she had never bought the thing. The market is bad and she can't keep anyone in it for more than a year. She asked if Mike would want to move into it but he doesn't want to move in. I did ask him and then she asked him. It is a nice apartment but people don't want to pay their bills. They want everything free.
First Dave and Becca lived in it they didn't pay their utility bills and had to go somewhere that the Landlord would pay them. Then, Becca's mom and dad moved in and they didn't pay their security deposit and complained about rent half the time. They just moved out without any notice and they still owe rent because they have the keys. Do you think they will pay it? I doubt it. Actually, the wife moved out first with a cockamamie story that they were going to live in separate places. I told Phyllis to advertise then because I didn't believe he would stay. She believed he'd stay. He calls on the 1st to say he's moving. But he hasn't paid his rent. I told her to file it in court and report it to the credit bureau. They are both on the lease and it is a record for future landlords. There will be others. There always are.
Sadly, I had suggested Dave and Becca and Becca's folks. I thought these were people who were reliable. And they did take care of the place. But you can't live and not work and pay your bills. I've learned my lessons. Mike wants to stay where he is and that is better for him. Probably for me, too.
You know, I'm done with handouts. I give everything I can and all I get is smacked. No matter how nice, no matter how much money I fork out, no matter how I bend over backward to help, I end up with a knife stuck in me. I've been praying about it and asking God if I should change my character to stop this destructive behavior or sever ties with people who behave this way. There are times when someone needs help. And if I can do that then I want to do it. But when the same people come back again and again and again and never offer to return the favor, you got to wonder where the problem lies. I'm thinking I just need to stop rescue operations and everything that resembles favors. Start saying no.
I was asked today who I wanted to give as an emergency contact. Do you know, there wasn't anyone locally? Isn't that crazy? There isn't anyone capable of handling my affairs if something happens to me and I can't act. That is scary. Oh, I give my sister as primary but things are just crazy here.
I've thought over and over about moving but I can't do it. I have my house, my job, Jerry for all that he is dead, is here. I have a church that I truly love, warts and all. I don't know where I'd go. It is a very strange position to be in where those who love you most are gone. I've never realized how hollow life is without that. It pretty much doesn't mean anything. I can see why some people stop believing in anything and become bitter and hard.
Sorry for the depressing rant. I have lots of new friends and I'm grateful for them. I have my friends here on Multiply, nearly all long time friends. I do have family that love me. It just doesn't seem like it sometimes. I looked at Michael the other night and I thought how very very blessed I am to have Michael. In the early months of this nightmare I've been living, Mike was here. He stayed around when everyone else was gone. He didn't ask me questions, try to cheer me up, ask for anything. He sat here watching television or on the computer... just in case. And when I fell apart, he did his best to keep me together and when he couldn't, he made the calls.
He has no job. He has no money. He has no prospects. He has nothing at all. But Michael loves me completely and without any reservations or expectations. He is difficult to handle at times but Michael has, all his life, made my life brighter. He was the sunshine in nearly every day of his life. And the greatest heartbreaks have been for him. But he was just a good boy and still is. Everyone should have a Michael in their pocket. He was well named.
I have a mild migraine headache on top of that. I think I may take something in a bit if it isn't better.
I had to go get that lab work done that I keep forgetting. They had to stick me twice in the back of my hand and said they still did not get enough. I think I was dehydrated. I had not had anything to drink and I was sweating when I woke up. The reason for my headache most likely. My doctor will probably be annoyed. I don't care.
My sister's tenant moved out of her rental unit. She is stressed and as a result so am I. I wish she had never bought the thing. The market is bad and she can't keep anyone in it for more than a year. She asked if Mike would want to move into it but he doesn't want to move in. I did ask him and then she asked him. It is a nice apartment but people don't want to pay their bills. They want everything free.
First Dave and Becca lived in it they didn't pay their utility bills and had to go somewhere that the Landlord would pay them. Then, Becca's mom and dad moved in and they didn't pay their security deposit and complained about rent half the time. They just moved out without any notice and they still owe rent because they have the keys. Do you think they will pay it? I doubt it. Actually, the wife moved out first with a cockamamie story that they were going to live in separate places. I told Phyllis to advertise then because I didn't believe he would stay. She believed he'd stay. He calls on the 1st to say he's moving. But he hasn't paid his rent. I told her to file it in court and report it to the credit bureau. They are both on the lease and it is a record for future landlords. There will be others. There always are.
Sadly, I had suggested Dave and Becca and Becca's folks. I thought these were people who were reliable. And they did take care of the place. But you can't live and not work and pay your bills. I've learned my lessons. Mike wants to stay where he is and that is better for him. Probably for me, too.
You know, I'm done with handouts. I give everything I can and all I get is smacked. No matter how nice, no matter how much money I fork out, no matter how I bend over backward to help, I end up with a knife stuck in me. I've been praying about it and asking God if I should change my character to stop this destructive behavior or sever ties with people who behave this way. There are times when someone needs help. And if I can do that then I want to do it. But when the same people come back again and again and again and never offer to return the favor, you got to wonder where the problem lies. I'm thinking I just need to stop rescue operations and everything that resembles favors. Start saying no.
I was asked today who I wanted to give as an emergency contact. Do you know, there wasn't anyone locally? Isn't that crazy? There isn't anyone capable of handling my affairs if something happens to me and I can't act. That is scary. Oh, I give my sister as primary but things are just crazy here.
I've thought over and over about moving but I can't do it. I have my house, my job, Jerry for all that he is dead, is here. I have a church that I truly love, warts and all. I don't know where I'd go. It is a very strange position to be in where those who love you most are gone. I've never realized how hollow life is without that. It pretty much doesn't mean anything. I can see why some people stop believing in anything and become bitter and hard.
Sorry for the depressing rant. I have lots of new friends and I'm grateful for them. I have my friends here on Multiply, nearly all long time friends. I do have family that love me. It just doesn't seem like it sometimes. I looked at Michael the other night and I thought how very very blessed I am to have Michael. In the early months of this nightmare I've been living, Mike was here. He stayed around when everyone else was gone. He didn't ask me questions, try to cheer me up, ask for anything. He sat here watching television or on the computer... just in case. And when I fell apart, he did his best to keep me together and when he couldn't, he made the calls.
He has no job. He has no money. He has no prospects. He has nothing at all. But Michael loves me completely and without any reservations or expectations. He is difficult to handle at times but Michael has, all his life, made my life brighter. He was the sunshine in nearly every day of his life. And the greatest heartbreaks have been for him. But he was just a good boy and still is. Everyone should have a Michael in their pocket. He was well named.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Loose Ends
I'm about to get ready for bed but from the notes I've been seeing, it seems I've forgotten to mention one or two important things.
My father is taking me on a cruise in April. I had to buy my passport this week. I only found out about it a few weeks ago when he emailed to ask me to go with them. He, my step-mom, and my aunt Joan (dad's sister) will all be going together. But Jilly, I had planed on taking a trip to England. I had been thinking about later in the coming year. It would be wonderful. And I just would love to do it. And now, I'll have my passport all ready! So, fingers crossed.
I've never been on a cruise and this will be a five day cruise to Mexico. I'm very excited about it and do so hope I'm not prone to seasickness. I've been on boats before but not for extended periods of time at sea. I have had problems with vertigo in the recent past so not sure how this will play out.
Nano finished on the 30th as you all know and I check out my word count. As I mentioned early on you must write 1667 words a day to be able to finish NaNo and I was all right at first but got dismally behind. By the 15th of the month I was supposed to be at 25000 but was not even close. By the 20th, I was around 10,000 behind without much hope to catch up. Well, here are the number of word I did each day for 30 days. You will see that there are several days of zeros where I was not able to do any writing. Most days, I never made the required total. But notice the last five days.
Those last three days, Saturday - Monday, are unbelievable even to me. And honestly, I do not know, even now, now I managed that. I do remember I was taking frequent breaks because I didn't feel well either. But that's how it broke down. Folks, that is NOT the way to do NaNo. Take my word for it.
So, that catches up some loose ends, I hope. I'll go for now. Have a good week.
I hate Mondays.
My father is taking me on a cruise in April. I had to buy my passport this week. I only found out about it a few weeks ago when he emailed to ask me to go with them. He, my step-mom, and my aunt Joan (dad's sister) will all be going together. But Jilly, I had planed on taking a trip to England. I had been thinking about later in the coming year. It would be wonderful. And I just would love to do it. And now, I'll have my passport all ready! So, fingers crossed.
I've never been on a cruise and this will be a five day cruise to Mexico. I'm very excited about it and do so hope I'm not prone to seasickness. I've been on boats before but not for extended periods of time at sea. I have had problems with vertigo in the recent past so not sure how this will play out.
Nano finished on the 30th as you all know and I check out my word count. As I mentioned early on you must write 1667 words a day to be able to finish NaNo and I was all right at first but got dismally behind. By the 15th of the month I was supposed to be at 25000 but was not even close. By the 20th, I was around 10,000 behind without much hope to catch up. Well, here are the number of word I did each day for 30 days. You will see that there are several days of zeros where I was not able to do any writing. Most days, I never made the required total. But notice the last five days.
| 2595 |
| 1217 |
| 727 |
| 1089 |
| 1373 |
| 1473 |
| 1617 |
| 1048 |
| 424 |
| 0 |
| 1544 |
| 1016 |
| 1001 |
| 1757 |
| 1551 |
| 1825 |
| 993 |
| 0 |
| 1832 |
| 316 |
| 1638 |
| 3257 |
| 645 |
| 0 |
| 327 |
| 2779 |
| 0 |
| 5378 |
| 5795 |
| 7262 |
Those last three days, Saturday - Monday, are unbelievable even to me. And honestly, I do not know, even now, now I managed that. I do remember I was taking frequent breaks because I didn't feel well either. But that's how it broke down. Folks, that is NOT the way to do NaNo. Take my word for it.
So, that catches up some loose ends, I hope. I'll go for now. Have a good week.
I hate Mondays.
Unsunny Sunday
At first, the sun was shinning and now it isn't so I guess there is some cloud cover out there. I know it is cold! A whopping 24 degrees! Buurrrrrr! I get cold easily so it will be bad for me.
I will be leaving in a moment to pick up Mike for church. He's the only one who goes with me these days. I'm glad for that at least. I don't understand anyone not going. My faith says not to forsake the assembly (of those with like faith). And I so wish Sarah could go to Sunday school. She never gets to interact with children from good backgrounds. And she is not learning her heritage either. I can't do anything about it but it hurts a lot.
Sadly, I see the results of such upbringing in my job. Parents who said, "I don't understand what got into them." But there is no training, no teaching of Godly principles, nothing that would ground a child in holiness. There is a story in the Bible that tells of a whole generation that turned away from God and some bad things were happening. I don't have the scripture here but I think I did post it somewhere. I'll look. The Bible says that it was because they had never heard the teachings of their parents. They didn't know because their parents neglected to instruct them. They didn't take them to the sanctuary to be taught. They forgot to relate the miracles, the blessings, the salvation, the Law. The parents simply didn't get out of bed. A whole generation lost. I have seen another.
I've been depressed for the last week, not horribly, but enough. And there is nothing I can do about that either.
So, I'm out of here to get Mike. I'll be back later or tomorrow or sometime.
I will be leaving in a moment to pick up Mike for church. He's the only one who goes with me these days. I'm glad for that at least. I don't understand anyone not going. My faith says not to forsake the assembly (of those with like faith). And I so wish Sarah could go to Sunday school. She never gets to interact with children from good backgrounds. And she is not learning her heritage either. I can't do anything about it but it hurts a lot.
Sadly, I see the results of such upbringing in my job. Parents who said, "I don't understand what got into them." But there is no training, no teaching of Godly principles, nothing that would ground a child in holiness. There is a story in the Bible that tells of a whole generation that turned away from God and some bad things were happening. I don't have the scripture here but I think I did post it somewhere. I'll look. The Bible says that it was because they had never heard the teachings of their parents. They didn't know because their parents neglected to instruct them. They didn't take them to the sanctuary to be taught. They forgot to relate the miracles, the blessings, the salvation, the Law. The parents simply didn't get out of bed. A whole generation lost. I have seen another.
I've been depressed for the last week, not horribly, but enough. And there is nothing I can do about that either.
So, I'm out of here to get Mike. I'll be back later or tomorrow or sometime.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Smoking Pen 2009
Once again, I spent a lot of time in the forums during NaNo. For any of my friends and co-writers of the Pen who visit here is this year's edition. Last year's is also on one of the blogs around this same time of year in 2008.
What a blast it was to visit the Smoking Pen Bar and Grill 2009
What a blast it was to visit the Smoking Pen Bar and Grill 2009
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