Three Days in the Tomb

Yes, that's pretty much how it feels this morning. The good thing is that there is a four day weekend at the end of it.

I had a monster migraine yesterday and the pain in my neck and shoulder became unbearable. I went to church in the morning but went to bed afterward. I've had three "Imitrex" required migraines since November 2007. That is an improvement but I suspect that some days I should have taken a pill and didn't. I used to take at least nine of them in less than three months. I truly believe if I could get rid of this shoulder and arm pain, I'd feel a lot better. My shoulder and arm feels like this constant, day in and day out cramping bruise. It can trigger a headache at any moment. This morning I know that a migraine is just below the surface. I just get this feeling in my head and I know. I always feel pretty bad after a bad pain day. I know it is just the lack of rest that triggers a depressive state and I'll get through it but the ride is not fun.

I joined the Y on Saturday as I believe I already said but when I got done I was so exhausted I could hardly move. I will have to go back but it won't be tonight I suspect. I need to call and ask about getting help to use the weights so I can see if they will help with the muscle weakness.

I am only 10,000 words behind on my word count. Don't see how I can catch up unless something dramatic happens to fire off the befuddled synapses. I've just sort of given up on it but I keep writing, even a few hundred words, as I did last night.

I have to go now and finish getting ready for work. I have a ton of stuff waiting to be done and a short time to do it. I would like to go in today and have the energy just to get it done. It isn't impossible, just overwhelming. So, say prayers for me, cross fingers and toes, wish me luck, say more prayers. Whatever blessing for productivity you can throw at me, please do.

Sighs and Bad Poems

Friday arrived, all gloomy and sad,
As usual I woke, shoulder hurting bad.
I dressed for my job, had coffee, too
But after I was done, I was still feeling blue.

My feet in my shoes, my hair in a bun
I knew that the day was off at a run.
I stopped to read blogs and mail;
I grabbed my purse, and for work set sail.

Long day ahead and five can't come too soon
Lunch is ahead, but not until noon
Tonight I made plans for Little Caesar and Depp
After company shows up on my step,

So think of me as you go thru your day
I'm chained to my desk in the usual way
Wishing I was home with pizza pies
With my fuzzy slippers on, watching Depp with sighs.

Come Along, Friday

Today was Thursday. We sat through software training all day. Lunch was brought in and we didn't leave for anything.

I have to write 7000 words tonight to even get close to the goal. I don't actually care if I reach 50,000 words anymore. I'll be happy to survive until the 30th.

I'm too tired to think about being depressed, sad, or anything else. I have been but it is just too much effort to really deal with at the moment.

Writer's meeting was nice. This is a really nice group of people. I like them all. This week was Sarah's and my week to be reviewed. We liked Sarah's story. They liked my story. We were all nearly brain dead so they may not have really liked it but thought they did.

Did I say I am tired?

Oh, yeah, I did.

Come along, Friday. Don't dawdle.

That's All I Have To Say About That

Not a good moment, not a good day, not a good week, not a good month, not a good year.

Hurt my arm last night tossing a shoe. Yes, just tossing it. Felt as if it was ripped out of my shoulder.

I overslept this morning and was nearly an hour late for work. Fires were burning when I arrived. I want to go back to bed.

I broke the 20,000 word count last night. I'm 6000 behind. I don't know if I want to write anymore.

Positives? My writing buddies are some of the brightest spots on my day at the moment, particularly my writing group. They are just so great.

I've bumped into some old friends on FB. Three in the last month. One of them, last night, a girl I was friends with about 12 years ago. I was glad to hear from her and we are going to get together for lunch as soon as I can get free of this conflagration.

That's all I have to say about that.

Being There

I wanted to share a letter I received from a older lady who has been a dear friend to me for about 11 years. I have not shared her name to protect her privacy and I hope she doesn't mind. Her husband used to play the guitar and write poetry for the church newsletter I put together. He died probably more than 6 years ago and she is not able to get to our church much anymore (she lives about 50 miles away). I should have been a better friend but she lives in another city and I never see her very much. Still, I could have called once in awhile and I hope she will forgive me for that.

Like most people, I didn't realize then how devastating the loss of a spouse can be. Her husband has been dead far longer than the 10 months since mine died. She mentions my pastor, who also lost his wife not long after my friend lost her husband.

I share her words here because people often think things like "she should be past all this now" or "surely he's better now". They don't say it to your face. They just don't understand why you should still be harping on it. Why do you get all emotional after all this time? Why can't you get over the depression? This post is for you folks.

You told me you did not recommend that I read the things you write. At least you can write which you say helps you. I cannot do that but it helps knowing that how I feel is normal because others feel the same way I do. Bro Clement told me that he would not say that it would happen to me but he said for him it hasn't gotten any better. I feel the same. In fact it gets worse. I miss G@#$%#$% and need him more now than ever. I know some people say, "Life goes on and we have to accept it and move on" I wish it were that easy.

When we need our children the most they seem to be farther away. I did not understand how my mother felt and my children do not understand how I feel; how much I need them. At least I don't have to work for which I am thankful but I have to keep busy.
Some of my children want me to sell my house and move to an apartment. I ask one of my daughters (one which wants me to move) if her husband died would she sell her home, her furniture, everything he has worked for and move. She said, "No". I told her I felt the same way.

G@#$%#$% worked hard to get things for me and I am not ready to give them up. I have a friend here in O$%@#%@%^ who has lost her husband and she says she feels like no one cares about her. Her daughter does not help her. Her sister hasn't spoken to her for years. We can always find someone who is worse off than we are. We can thank God for the years we got to spend with our husbands and all the ways He has blessed us. I told a preacher the other day that G@#$%#$% wrote poems, played music and was such a blessing to everyone and God took him and left me and I can't do anything. Maybe that is why He left me, waiting for me to do something.

I have been having pain in my chest and I know it is from stress and worry. I had prayer the other night in Madisonville at a church service and I feel much better. If our children cared a little more for us it would really help but we can't do anything about that. Someday they will understand.

I'm praying for you because I know how hard it is just to get up every morning. Before I open my eyes I feel the weight of depression. I guess that is what the Bible means when it says to bear one another's burdens. We have to pray for each other. Love you

Look around you. There are people in this place. You may think they are "better". You may think they are "over it." They may look and act just fine. They aren't. It is likely they never will be. It doesn't get "better" (how I hate that word) or bearable.

You need to look at the ten people closest to you. One or more of them is going to die, whether it be your spouse, your child, your parent, a sibling, or your significant other. One of you will be in this place that I sit, that my friend sits. You should pray now for someone to be available when that happens. You do not want to do this alone.

I have said this before and I say it now. Most of us waste more than an hour a week on stupid things. If there is someone you know who is going through this kind of loss, make a point of calling. Use some of that wasted time to go to lunch, dinner, a movie, a drive in the country. You can't imagine how much it means, how much light it brings into their sphere of existence.

I thanked a young woman in my writing group the other day for taking time to chat with me. She is very sweet. She laughed and said I was "so silly." But for that brief period of time, I wasn't focused on the darkness that hovers around the edges. She also called one evening to see how things were going with my writing. I couldn't believe how thoughtful that was! She's a mother of young children who is working on her second book. She gave me 15 minutes and I felt so much better to be in the land of the living for that 15 minutes!

This past week while I was off was a mix of busyness and depression. As long as I was doing something or talking with someone or going somewhere, I was fine. Thursday was a beautiful day, sunny and the leaves just glowed. I went to lunch alone. I rode around about half an hour trying to figure out where to go so I wouldn't have to go home for a while. I finally stopped at Captain D's. It was a place Jerry and I liked to go. Most places are places we went together. My whole afternoon was thinking that I'd have been able to have lunch with Jerry. We could have gone for a drive after lunch. Instead, I went home and cried.

No, it doesn't get better. You don't recover. You just learn to breath underwater and you survive but it feels like you're drowning.