A Discovery

Someone sent me picture of Jerry from an old church picnic. He was slimmer an his hair not so thin. He looked so very alive.

There are no fires in hell.

Once through the gates it's just endless dark that scalds you from the inside out.

Back to Work I Go

The weekend is over.

I am resigned to Sundays being the most miserable day of the week. Never thought I'd say I was glad to see a Monday.

I never thought there would be a time in my life when everything was lost that mattered.

I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

Hie Ho, Hie Hoe!

I'm off to work for three hours at the office. I really need to but really don't want to. The piles of paper on my desk are unreal.

I'm less depressed today and when that happens, one begins to hope for light at the end of the tunnel. It is a miserably gray day, nonetheless. I've been praying for sun. I can't stand this gloom any longer! I hate the weather here. I always have. A week in the Sunshine State is not conducive to a happy return to the Depression state. My childhood is filled with sun. All the years prior to 1988 are also sun-filled. That is the year we moved here and darkness crept over the face of the deep. 9 months of the year it is gloomy. No wonder my vitamin D is deficient. No wonder my depression worsened.

Anyway, I've got other things to do as well. The yard is knee high. But after a week of daily rain and wet conditions, that is not going to change soon. Heavy trash pick up came on the 21st and some of the bozos who go through it before it is picked up stole my trash can. Idiot, did you really think I was tossing a perfectly good trash can? It was there because trash pick up was the previous Wednesday and I had only just got back to town!

So, I'm off for now and may be back in a few hours.

Writers Meeting

I attended the first meeting of a new writers' group tonight. There were five of us who showed up. Doug is the only male and I met him last year at one of the NaNoWriMo meetings. There was also Sarah, our apparent leader and very nice lady. Katie and Kathy and my self rounded out the group. We don't have a name yet but it started off well.

It was nice to sit and talk to other people about something I really love and to hear their ideas. We spent most of the time outlining the structure of the group and meetings and deciding when we would meet. We've decided on every two weeks. Sarah will be checking into places we could meet besides Barnes and Noble.

When I left I realized I felt better than I have in a couple of days. I know that much of my depression is from being so isolated and having no contact or diversions. I'm not a really a very social person and I don't really like going places alone. I don't like shopping either, particularly alone. So, there is limited number of things that will be of interest to me. Before he got sick, we always planned day trips on the weekends. We liked doing yard work together too. We did everything as a couple until he began to get sick. Then, more and more I was left alone to do what I wanted. But he was still "here". I wasn't completely alone. Not like this.

So, I am glad that this group is going to be meeting twice a month. We will be reading each other's work during the week via email and meeting to discuss and critique it. That's a difficult thing to do but I actually like that kind of thing. I loved editing papers in college for friends and I got asked a lot. I would have loved to be an editor some where.

We will be meeting two nights a month that I have something to look forward to and reading the material and thinking about it will give me something a bit more positive to occupy myself with. Less darkness perhaps.

I'm tired. The week has been absolutely exhausting and I'm now so far behind at work. I was behind from vacation. I got in deeper when I had to take extra work after they fired the other girl. I had a move briefing yesterday, met with a landlord about an hour, training for four hours today. And I have yet another meeting tomorrow. Software meeting. I will be glad when they get the transition done. I'm tired of being our department expert. I'm scheduled to work three hours on Saturday overtime to try and catch up on some of the backlog. At least I get time an a half for that.

So, off to bed for now unless I find something on Hulu to watch.

You'll Get Your Quilt

This is from my GCFL.com joke of the day. Very cute.

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what what morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

Counselor Follow-up

I saw Dan tonight after work and he wants me on Prozac. Figured that would be his decision. Of course he offered all the usually "you don't have to stay on it forever" platitudes. I know he means it. But I've yet to meet anyone who ever got off prozac. If they did, they simply went to another antidepressant.

So, I am supposed to ask my doctor to prescribe it. I've no desire to do that. I will not become enslaved to this crap. People have been dying and surviving grief for thousands upon thousands of years, without the aid of mood altering drugs.

I pointed that out to Dan. He said yes but some of them just went to bed. I, it seems, don't have that luxury. Well, I'll have to figure out something else.

He said I could take it for a month and if it didn't work I could stop taking it. No problem. If it worked? Oh, well, in six months or a year I could stop taking it and see how I felt. Right.

And when I hit bottom after I go off it and decided I want to die instead of live without it? Well, I could go back on it if I'm not cured.

Right. That is NOT going to happen. If I'm going to be depressed in a year why bother? What happens if I have a change of health insurance that won't cover it? Then what? I have to learn to live without it? Yep.

So, how is all this an improvement? I'm functioning. I'm working. I'm going places. I'm just miserable without my husband around.

It took a vacation to realize I'm under too much stress with "normal" living on top of the tragedy of losing Jerry. My kids are a mess and constant source of hurt and worry. My job is stressful because of added responsibilities since they fired a girl. I've got concerns about Mike. I'm concerned about Sarah getting this flu. Mike getting it. Me getting it. Ad nauseum.

So, a little pill will keep me from worrying about it all. And when I go off of it there will be NO side effects? No, of course not.... well, that's what they say.

He said I was illogical.

He said I had irrational fears.

I told him that next thing I'd be committed.

He said no because I wasn't crazy.

Well, that's comforting.

Today is Wednesday... Yes it is.

I have to be in court this morning for my job. I hate these things.

I have to meet with the counselor at 5. I think it may be pointless.

I am tired and depressed and it has been cloudy ever since I got home. I suspect I'm a true southern girl who needs constant sunshine. I don't have a way to fix it.

Happy Birthday, Mike!

Today was the 30th birthday of my oldest son, Michael. He is wearing the gold tie in this photo.

Mike is such a great son. I am so thankful that I was blessed with this adorable blue-eyed angel 30 years ago.



<;So much joy in one little boy! What excitement we've had together.

He has such a great big heart filled with so much love.

'S Ok

Really. I'm fine. I'm o.k.

Cold is better.

Work is horrible.

Kids horrible.

Life is normal.

Who wants normal, anyway.

Black Sunday

It isn't home any more. I want to go home and I don't have one.

I thought I'd go to church this morning and I did. I thought David would let me take Sarah. He said I could last night. He changed his mind this morning. "Everyone at church is sick. She's sick." Same story all the time. It is never a good time. I never get to take her to church. You know, I was scared to death to keep my kids out of church. I always believe it was my responsibility to get them there, no matter what.

She was fine last night when she came in and hugged and kissed me. No cough, no sniffles. Nothing. She told me she loved me and missed me. She wanted to stay and play but he had waited until it was late to come over. He needed something. I gave her her toys and sent her home. He asked Becca and they told me I could take her this morning. But when I called at 8 to ask he said no. I didn't believe they would anyway but I really hoped they would let me have her today.

Mike was going but he changed his mind, too. Said his stomach hurt.

I went to church alone and it was terrible. My cough is back and I'm tired and I just want to see Jerry. I need to talk to him and I want to see him. I can't stand this any more. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to come to an empty house. I want to go home.

I should sell the house and leave. I have nothing left here. I'm alone and have nothing to stay for. I can't see Sarah so it doesn't matter anymore what happens. I can leave anytime. I can use Jerry's insurance to move his body to wherever I want to go.

I remember all the months before Jerry died how he begged for them to let us have Sarah for church or to go somewhere. He would sit and cry to see her. It was terrible and it is a terrible memory. I'm so glad he had that last whole day with her. He played with her.

But I don't want to do that. I don't want to sit and cry because I can't have her. Oh, I can see her. When it is convenient. But not to really go places and do things with her when I am off and ask for her. I can't take her to church. I'm promised I can but then it never happens.

I'm tired. I just want to see Jerry. I always had Jerry to take care of me and look out for me. We had each other and we tried to make the best of it. When it hurt, we had each other. We made a mess of everything.

I wish I'd made him quit that job. He could have been here a little longer. He worked for them, so he could give his check to them. For Sarah. And it killed him. For nothing. He worked himself to death for nothing. I told him two years ago he needed to stop working but he and I both knew it couldn't happen. We were so far in a hole each month because we'd given too much money away. I never saw his check. I found receipts where he'd spent it. Diapers, baby things, food, gas for a car he couldn't even drive.

I just want to see him. I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him I'm sorry I didn't stop it sooner and make him quit work. I hate my life. I hate living like this. I hate it. I don't think I can stay here. Really. I don't want to anymore. I come back to nothing and no one. I want to leave.

I'm getting a lawyer next week to set up my will. I have a will already and I've arranged for my cousin to take care of everything should something happen to me. But I need to get a new, formal will set up. I'm putting all insurance payouts in a trust fund. No cash payouts. No lump sums. That way, Sarah will have a little something someday, not much but maybe she can buy something nice for herself that she didn't have to beg for from someone else.

I have to arrange something for Mike, too. I have no real money, just small insurance policies and a retirement account if I die before I retire. They will bury men but it won't go far. Still maybe I can get him a place to live so he isn't homeless. That is my fear. That he will be homeless. There is no one to care for him or look out for him. And he can be taken advantage of easily. I've already talked to my cousin and my brother about this and they have agreed to handle everything should something happen to me. I'm giving power of attorney to my aunt, cousin, and oldest brother. I trust them and I know they will make the best decisions and follow my wishes.

My cousin wants me to move near them. He'd try and help me find a job. I know he would do his best but he just started his own business and has a new family to care for. He doesn't need my problems. I know my aunt and uncle would be thrilled if I came there, too.

I just don't really care about any of it anymore. There is no place I want to be. Nothing I want except Jerry. I just want to see him and talk to him. I can't bear it. I can't stand being here and not being able to see him or hear him or talk to him.

I keep thinking it should have been me. It would have been better if it had been me but then I realize he would be even worse off. I took care of so much. He just reached the place that his heart couldn't take it anymore. It broke. Now, I'm not sure I can take it anymore either.

Second Flight of the Widow

I flew back to Indiana today. My aunt and uncle drove me to Jacksonville to catch my plane but it was delayed an hour because the weather in Atlanta was terrible. I was supposed to leave at 11:42 a.m. eastern time but the plane was 40 minutes late.

Once on the plane, we hit heavy clouds within half an hour. A bit bumpy but not terribly so. I was in a large 757 with three seats on each side of the plane. There was no one in the seat next to me so I spent the time reading my book. Because we were late getting in the air, they booked me a seat on a later flight out of Atlanta in case I missed my connection. However, that two hour layover I had just evaporated and I waited only 30 minutes to catch my connecting flight to Louisville, KY. It left on time at 3:50 p.m. eastern time.

That flight was a bit more bumpy. From the time we left the ground in Atlanta, where it was raining and buried in clouds, until we got to Louisville, there was heavy clouds. At one point, I looked out the window and above us was a ceiling of flat clouds and below us a floor of fluffy clouds. We were literally traveling in a corridor between layers of clouds. I was very strange looking.

This plane was a smaller jet and my seat companion was a young man whose wife sat across the aisle. She had a 4 year old daughter on the seat next to her and a 9 month old baby boy on her lap. The baby cried most of the way. I think his ears were bothering him but they didn't seem to know how to help. The dad was polite but not very talkative and I was nearly finished with my book anyway. After the usual pleasantries, we didn't talk much. The flight was only about an hour and I was on the ground at 4: 40 p.m. eastern time.

Once in my car, I was relieved to be headed home. I loved the vacation and had a wonderful time but I was ready to get back. However, I found myself depressed and missing Jerry so badly. I spent about half the trip crying and trying to drive. He wouldn't be waiting for me to get home and tell him about the trip. He had not been with me to enjoy it.

There had been times during the week when I felt very desolate because he wasn't there to enjoy the time together. I tried to push those times back and redirect. It was not easy to do. And on the way home, alone in the car, I couldn't stop all flow of memories of other trips and other vacations together and how they were gone and I couldn't call them back and couldn't relive them or repeat them.

There is nothing like that endless flow of memories that you can't shut off and can't seem to prevent. They come of their own volition, it seems, and will not be stopped just because you decide you don't want to have them. I've had fewer flashbacks but they still happen, sometimes every day, sometimes every few days. I find that when I'm tired I can't hold them back. When something triggers it -- an event, an action, a song, phrase, or sound -- there is just no way to really prevent reaction of my brain.

I got home around 5:30 central time (6:30 eastern) and I unpacked immediately and then showered. I've been watching movies, reading blogs, and posting my entries for the week. I've posted the videos but it didn't let me put the date on the videos. The blogs, however, I was able to post according to date.

I probably have a few photos and my aunt took several that I will try and get copies of but she will probably post them on her blog as well.

I have the writer's meeting on the 23rd. This is the new writer's group that is forming and I am looking forward to it. I'll let you know how that comes out.

Now, I'm off to bed. I need to be in church tomorrow.

Vacation, and my flight, has ended.

Friday Finale - The Blog

Today is the last day of our vacation. We went for a swim this morning and then to lunch with my cousin and his family. They just left headed home. We stopped by the luggage store to buy a new suitcase for me, one with wheels. I had such a hard time with my luggage that I felt it was a good idea. Nice wheels on it and I can buy other pieces later to add to it if I want it.

I think we are all sorry to see the week end. We've had a very nice, relaxing time. No running to see sights or anything. We've read, watched movies, and swam every day. There have not been a lot of people here so it was very laid back and we have had the pool to ourselves most of the time. We could just sit and enjoy each other's company and talk.

In a little while we are going to go back to the pool and swim and just sit around a bit and enjoy our last evening swim. The pool closes at 11 each night so we've been able to stay late.

I've loved the pool. I love the water and swimming and it has been pleasant to just sit and feel the warmth and the breeze. And a nice soak in the hot tub. I saw today they had a dry sauna and I wish we had known that to start. I love dry saunas.

We've also had lovely weather. Rain nearly each day but it never lasted long. Only one day did we have rain all day and we just stayed in and read.

So, tomorrow, I fly home and back to the real world. I will miss the lazy days of no worries and no demands on my time. I could get used to doing nothing but swimming, reading and writing each day.

I have been writing every day and I hope the posts will all be interesting. I know I've had fun with them. There will be a few videos but we didn't really bother with many photos either. There just seemed to be no call for them.

Monday Missions

Monday Missions

Monday I woke coughing... as I have for days. The meds wear off around 5 a.m. I got up, drank some water and we bumped the air up. It seems to get very hot that time of the morning and I was sweating and that is when I start coughing. I got it under control but went back to bed for a short while. Only to wake again around 9 coughing. We all got up then and dressed.

We decided yesterday in our rambles that we would have breakfast at IHOP on Monday. My cousin and his family were to drive down and join us for the week so this would be our last day of somewhat isolated rambles. I don't know what they will want to do but it appears we will be going to a dinner theater one night and then perhaps to Disney World. I've never been and while I like theme parks, they aren't much fun if you are alone. Jerry and I loved going to theme parks when we first married. We didn't have children for five years and even when we did, we loved taking the boys. I know, there will be family here but it isn't the same as having a companion to do things with. And I can't write more about that at this point. It is much too painful and I'm here to enjoy myself.

We went to a mall after breakfast and shopped. I found a shop that sells luggage at a discount price and found a nice piece that would be a good size. My aunt thought it would be too expensive and I could find some at Wal-mart cheaper. I have decided that if I'm going to do this traveling thing, I have to have good luggage. So, I will probably go back and buy it before I leave. And they had a nice laptop case I could get too, with wheels. I will have to see if I want to do that.

When we came back we checked on internet and found they have a business center here where we can get on when we want to check our mail and read our blogs. Posting is still a problem but I am going to try and buy a flashdrive that will hold what I've been writing and take it over to try and post it.

I'm going now to dress for the pool. I love the pool and they have really nice ones here. I don't know what we will do for supper.

On Our Way!

Well, I am up, dressed and getting ready to load the car. I'm officially on my way to... well, the airport, silly. Two hour drive ahead and there was a bit of shuffling when everyone who had said they'd drive me couldn't make it. So, I'm driving myself and parking my car at the airport for a week. I'm nervous about that but has to be done.

I will check in as soon as I get somewhere that has internet!

Feel much better this morning although the throat is still sore and I woke coughing around 3 a.m. The codeine does help the cough quite a bit I found last night. I may take a small dose before I fly because it sure didn't knock me out! Didn't even make me terribly drowsy. I took my melantonin and that put me to sleep. LOL. I just don't do narcotics well. They either have NO effect or they cause all manner of unwanted effects. Oh well.

We're off! More late!

Dragged Through a Hedge

That's how I feel, as if I were dragged through a hedge backwards. That is another old saying. Death warmed over. The end of the week is here and I'm supposed to fly out to my unknown destination tomorrow morning. I am still sick. If you have watched the videos, you know, like my baby sister so eloquently put it, I look like crap. I said earlier this week I felt like three kinds of crap.

I saw an urgent care doctor yesterday afternoon. Mike took me and he said the guy is an idiot to say I can still fly on Saturday. He gave me a Z-pac antibiotic to prevent a secondary infection and some of what I am already taking but free meds are always good. The Z-pac upset my stomach a bit last night. I will take the next one when I eat later.

I have a regular appointment today with my doctor at 8:15 so he will be the final say as to whether I fly or not. Mike will be impossible to life with if he says I can't fly. Mike will think he has a PHD. He won't be happy if I'm cleared either. He doesn't want me to go.

Frankly, I am so tired. Despite the codeine cough medicine I did not sleep too well. Woke up at 4 a.m. and it had worn off and I was coughing again. I couldn't take it again because I have to get up at 7 a.m. I did take something for the stuffy nose and it helped but the cough medicine in what he gave me, well, I can't tell if it is working or not. I will take it all early tonight because 4 a.m. is an ungodly hour.

My cold sounds wet. Mothers will know what that means. My lungs are rejecting the crap that is in them. So, it is breaking up but I feel absolutely horrible. I just want to go to bed and stay there. I have to come back and pack for a week of vacation. Yipee. I do hope I feel better tomorrow. I can't imagine driving two hours to the airport and spending the day in the airports with this. I probably will be over the worst by Monday anyway but getting there is a long way. And I can't change my flights with that in mind.

Well, I'm going to get ready for the doctor's office.

The Best Laid Schemes O' Mice An' Men

Gang aft agley, .--Robert Burns

I've lain in the chair for hours with movies going. My head hurts when I cough and I am coughing a lot. My chest is still tight and my throat hurts... probably from coughing too. I've been drinking sodas most of the night but I'm going and drink a big glass of cold water in a minute. I did eat something earlier but now wonder why I did that.

I am so miserable and for the 1000th time wish Jerry were home to at least bring me a drink now and then. Or just pat me on the head. Sometimes when I was sick at night, he'd rub my back. It didn't make me feel better. It just was something to let me know I wasn't alone. I am.

I don't really have anyone to take care of me but me. Funny, I've said a million times I could take care of myself. Now I get to prove it. Sometimes we do get justice.

I don't dare let the kids come over. I couldn't bear it if I made Sarah sick. We are already terrified to let her play with anyone or go anywhere.

Friday morning I see my doctor, if I don't go somewhere before then. I may see if there is a urgent care clinic somewhere I can go to tomorrow. The ones on my insurance are closed now but they are not the best ones anyway. I'd rather go to St. Mary's but my insurance won't cover them.

I suspect I'm going to have to cancel my trip. I don't see how I can fly with this.
I'm sure it is a bad cold and I hope a good sleep will bring some relief. I don't actually want to give this to anyone else so I'm not concerned with the trip a whole lot. I can take another trip a bit later if I want. My boss is very good that way.

I'll just go to work instead of leaving town. But I really wanted to get away for a bit. I'll just have to think of something else if this doesn't happen. I could just drive down and take a long weekend with my aunt and uncle... once I'm well. They just got over some kind of bug where they were vomiting so.... this is just lousy.

More later. I'm truly hitting the sack now.

It Is Official

I am sick. I have a full blown cold. I just went and bought cough medicine cause I'm coughing my head off. I have a stopped up nose, sore throat, and the elephant on my chest.

So, not sure what I'll be doing the next couple of days. I don't even know if I'll be able to fly. With this congestion in my head I could rupture an eardrum. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday morning so I will wait to consider this until after that.

Bottom line, I feel like three kinds of crap. Take your pick.

Not a Good Day

I have to be at the dentist in about 40 minutes to get crowned and my day will probably run pretty fast after that. I work four days this week and then I'm off for a week.

It isn't a good day. I woke up and immediately and thought "I need St John's Wort." I can't take it however. The hair loss seems to have come to a relative halt. I'm losing hair but it seems to be a normal amount when I brush and not coming out all over the place. After I ate breakfast I had a bad spell. I'm under control at the moment, but it doesn't bode well for the day.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. That's what I do under my breath. I figure if I say it enough it will be true. That will be never the case but we all live in hope to some degree. I see my doctor on Friday and I'll mention it to him. I'm sure he will recommend a prescription antidepressant but that's not going to happen.

I've got too many examples of people who now have to take antidepressants for life. This is a 20th century phenomena. The increase in the incidence of depression is related to the industrial revolution. As we got wealthier, we got depressed. As the rat race increased, we got depressed. We became nastier people and we got depressed. The world became more aware of itself and we didn't like what we saw so we got depressed and made other people depressed. Depression is an illness that we caused. It has become a slavery. However, as long as I can deal with it I'm not picking up the chains willingly. I know my limits and I know how hard it is to come out of it. But I've done this before and I will do it again.

Maybe I just don't want to go to work. Well, that too. I don't feel tired or anything. In fact, I woke before the clock went off and a good thing. The alarm wasn't on. I distinctly remember setting it so not sure what I did.

I enjoyed my time off and doing what I wanted to do. And I got so much accomplished I should feel thrilled. But the hard work is still to do. I need to call the person I was told might be able to do some things for me.

Since it is early, there is nothing to write about but how bad I feel and I don't want to keep harping on that all the time. Although, I suppose that is what a journal is supposed to be used for, to spill all the chaos of life onto it's pages. It does help to write it but there are times I want to have something positive to write.

I've been telling you all that I'm going on a trip next week. In fact, I fly out Saturday from Louisville to an, as yet, undisclosed location. I am going to meet my aunt and uncle again. I will be telling you more later. Right now, it is a secret. I decided it would be more fun to keep people guessing than just give it all away. Actually, I don't remember the name of the place we are going. They are picking me up at an airport on the way. However, I will tell you the location is in the South. It is near a body of water. That's all for now.

I'm going to brush my teeth and go to get my crown. About time someone recognized my worth.

Labor Day Begins

I got up at 9:00 a.m.! Wow! I slept LATE!

I have spent the last two and a half hours catching up on blogs, playing a game, reading and answering email. Now, I'm wanting food. My church has a labor day picnic and I was going but I think this is one "first" I elect NOT to have this year. My husband loved to go to the picnic and we'd just sit in our chairs and watch the games or he'd stand and talk to the menfolk. He just loved being there. I can't do that today. I'm been feeling better and I just don't want to go there. Since I'm not taking anything for depression, it is too easy to do.

I am going to try and pry Mike out of is bed so we can eat and get started on the real work!

What's Wrong with Me?

I had a question in the previous post. Beefreelady asked why I had pain in my joints and extremities. Anyone who has read the blog for a year knows that I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromalgia

I wake up with pain and I go to sleep with it. No cures for it and no meds will eliminate the symptoms. It is what it is. So, because of that, I'm going to pick up heavy items and walk for miles when my legs hurt. Type all day when my hands hurt. Work in the yard when everything hurts and I can't get out of bed the next day. I simply refuse to stop living to become a slave to these diseases.

So, I do what I have to do and it punishes me later. That's o.k. cause I'm just going to do it again tomorrow. I may have them, but they don't have ME.

Not yet, anyway.