Is There Anyone Out There?

Do you ever feel as if you are standing in an open field and all around you is absolutely nothing and on the horizon you see roiling black clouds that are quickly overtaking your position. Lightening bolts slash and slice across and through them and strike the ground beneath. You feel the electricity in the air and a strong wind carries the sent of ozone. A terrible storm is approaching.

You know you must run and warn others of what is coming and yet, you can't move. You feel as if you are so far out into this wilderness with no means of communication that will be effective and you want to shout a warning to the top of your voice but it becomes completely lost in the vast surroundings in which you find yourself. There is nothing you can do to stop the coming storm. No one can hear you and if they could, they wouldn't listen.

As I study the candidates for this election and as I study the things happening in my world, in my country, I feel a coldness creaping up around me. It is portentous and insidious. A storm on the horizon that will bring destruction. I am left with a feeling of desolation and futility.

Hogwash! you say. Negative thinking, Cassandrian attitude, doomsayer. Perhaps. I don't know but too much of what I am finding is very frightening. And I find that the fears are not so much for myself but those surrounding me. I look at loved ones, people I like, people I respect and even people with whom I have a passing acquaintance. And I am terrified for them and horrified at their blindness. Can't they see what is right in front of them? What, just tell me, what can cause such ostrich behavior!

Why are we silent? Why do we fear to speak? Is it because we fear being labled a fanatic? A lunatic? I suppose they are valid fears. For many, they already bear the lables but they continue to warn, they continue to scream and yell that there is a storm coming. And yet, the vast majority looks at them, if they even see them, and shake their heads in scorn or misplaced sympathy. There goes another one of those weirdos.

I try not to think about a lot of things because frankly, I can't change a single one of them. I can't fix morals, values, ethics, or behavior. So much that needs fixing and I. . . can't. . . fix . . .it. If you knew me, you'd know why this is the absolute, most frustrating thing that can happen to me. I want to fix it. Someone needs to fix it!

But everyone, EVERYONE, is blind. A small group who sees and knows the storm is coming is standing in that vast wilderness and they are screaming at the top of their lungs, as loud as they can, their voices straining, veins bulging, eyes protruding. Screaming for the safety of those who neither see, hear, or feel.

The Watchmen are calling out. For God's sake, no, for your own sakes, LISTEN!

The storm is approaching! Seek shelter NOW!

Gotcha!

I think I have a cold. Sore, scratchy throat, so hoarse I can hardly speak, stuffy nose, beginning of a cough. Yes, I think I've been caught.

Language is just so facinating. Why do we say we "I caught a cold"? I mean, does anyone go out and chase one down? And once caught, do you just gulp it down so you get immediate contagion?

"Why are you breathing like that?"

"I just ran four blocks to catch a cold."

"Oh, so you're already feeling it, huh? How's the nose?"

Sniff, sniff. "Still clear but I think if I eat a bit more I can get it really stuffed up, maybe even get a headache and fever."

I don't think so.

I'm the one who got caught. It snuck up on me, too. I thought it was an allergy because it started like one with just a slight stuffy nose and scratchy throat. Today, I feel lousy.

Sneaky little imp.

I Can't Complain... well, maybe just a little.

I've been pretty negative lately and I don't like it much. I suppose that is the nature of pain. It brings out all the worst in us. I apologize to anyone I have depressed and stressed and annoyed by my persistant whine tasting sessions. Really, I do.

I don't know if anyone who is not experiencing pain can really grasp what it means to have unrelieved pain for which there seems to be no pill or recourse. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthiritis about 4 years ago. Actually, the doctor I saw was wishy-washy about it but my primary care doctor had already done the blood test and it was positive. So, I changed specialist and the next one, also relucant, did confirm the original test results... with a caveat that other diseases can mimic RA. I already knew this from my research. (Side effects of a history major are propensensity for research.)

She further concluded that while I do have a mild case of RA, she suspect that the pain I am experiencing is related to fibromyalgia, an elusive disorder that appears for no known reason, strikes at random in the body to cause inflamatory pain. No cause, no cure. Until a few years ago, this particular disorder was considered imaginary. Sufferers appear perfectly healthy on the outside, if you exclude the strained smiles, wrinkled foreheads, tense postures and stiff movements.

Really, if I want to keep it hidden, I can but once out of sight, it is normal to breakdown and cry with pain or just suffer in silence. For example, my right calf muscle frequently feels like a torn muscle that makes it extremely painful to walk. I limp. Someone ask, "What's wrong with your leg?" I reply, "Nothing, just hurts today." They walk on and have no idea that I would rather be crawling down the hall than put my weight on that leg.

The pain in my neck and shoulders is continous, with brief lulls in the severity. I suffer from TMJ and migraine headaches, both of which are symptoms of the disorder. I have had TMJ since I was in my twenties and migrains began in my 30's. Muscle pain in my late 40's. It is a progressive disorder. I do not sleep well and disrupted sleep is thought to be a common problem. Too little sleep and pain escalates which in turn causes you not to sleep.

I did aerobics for a couple of decades and road a stationary bike. I was very active and weighed 70 pounds less. I could move furniture alone. I painted my home, hung dry-wall, replaced floors, toilets, sinks, refinished old furniture, sewed, crocheted, wrote, and took care of my family while I attended college full time in my 30's. Once I graduated, I went to work. I work 40 hours a week. I can no longer do any strenous work for very long and I can't think. And that is the worst side effect of all.

They say exercise is one of the best defenses of the problem but you hurt so bad and are so tired it is a herculean feat to accomplish it. A treadmill puts me in tears after 30 minutes. And I so miss exercising but I cringe at the thought of an aerobics routine.

Now, what to do. There is no known cause. There is no known cure because you can't cure something you can't define. There are medicines to take. They usually don't work. I am taking an RA medicine now and an antiinflamatory. I take Previcid to combat the stomach damage caused by the anti-inflamatory. I am also insulin resistant and have high blood pressure. I take meds for both those. I take a muscle relaxant to help me sleep but it causes severe dry mouth and I can't take if for more than a few days at a time. I take a medicine for migraines when I have them and another medicine that helps me sleep. That medicine has limited effects after a week. There are some new experimental medicine. I won't take them. The RA med has potentially lethal side effects and some pretty scary non-lethal ones, one of which is blindness. I am sick enough already and don't need any more symptoms.

I still have pain. I still don't sleep. I probably should quit work but I am the primary support for my family so, that is not going to happen. Well, not unless God gives me a few million to retire on. So far, that hasn't happened. I'm hopeful but not optimistic.

So there you have what all the whine is about. It goes down better with cheese but my humor is not up to speed at the moment. Still, for everyone who has dropped a word of sympathy and concern, it is so very appreciated. Sometimes, just hearing someone say something nice is the best medicine there is.

I promise to try and be more upbeat. The weather is changing so maybe some sunshine will cheer things up a bit. I am looking forward to sitting in the sun and just relaxing for a few hours on the weekends. I do know how to relax but finding a comfortable position is the problem.

Tomorrow is one day shy of the week-end. We have rain at the moment. This means in Indiana that spring is at the door. I hope you all have a lovely weekend wherever you are.

My final words: God is good. All the time. In the good, in the bad, in the happy and in the sad. And in the midst of great suffering, he is closer that your skin. You just have to open your eyes.

Blessings and good wishes to you all.

Over the Mountain

It is Wednesday and like the bear who went over the mountain, all I see is the other side of the mountain. Paperwork is piled around me in stacks of varying height. I have folders, and faxes, and mailings. Oh my!

It has been a long week and I was off one day of it! My pain levels have been high for a couple of weeks now. Sleep has been another problem. I decided to ask my doctor the next time I see her if she will order a sleep study. Something is wrong because I just can't get enough rest. I don't sleep soundly. I wake several times a night to reposition so I can stop something from hurting. I can't lie on my side because on the left the shoulder hurts and on the right the hip and leg hurts. I can't use a pillow because my neck hurts. I can't lay on my stomach for the same reason, well and because I am a "D" and it is impossible to sleep uphill. The end result is very little recuperative sleep. I'm beginning to wonder how long I can continue to function with the way I currently feel.

A lady here today said, "You should be able to draw Social Security." I am astounded because I have no choice but to work. I can't survive on about $600 a month! At least, not at this point in my life. I've lived at that level before and it is no picnic.

So, I will just keep pounding away in the mine and hope someone will give me my life back. The other day I realized I now understand why some very ill people are not afraid of dying. You can actually reach a point where the thought of rest or no pain or sleep, any kind of sleep is a blessing. I'm not ready to die but I am very tired of living like this.

Got to get back to work. Break is over.

A Short Tale of Blessing

Sometimes you have to let people know that God is still doing good things for people. Not because they don't know but because for the most part, we don't hear much about how good God is but rather, we hear how God is responsible for all the bad that happens in the world.

For several years now, I've been supporting what amounts to three households. Mine, my son and his wife, and an unmarried son who lives with us. We've had car troubles times three, job troubles times three, grocery troubles times three, utility troubles times three, illness times three.

My job is not the end of the rainbow, folks. My husband and I could live reasonably if it were just the two of us. But how many parents are going to see their children do without something it they can help. We all need a car and a job and food and a place to live. My kids are extravagant and wastful with very little money to start with. I know this but when the lights are about to be shut off or there is no food in the house, I am required to do something, if only by my own conscience. They are my children, any character flaws are probably partly my fault. You don't have to agree.

When they are sick, I have to buy medicines. If they need clothes or shoes, I have to help. I grew up fairly poor because my grandparents raised me on social security and child support of $60 a month. My grandfather worked but he drank up any surplus he had after Mama paid our living expenses. I remember commodities with canned meat, powdered eggs and milk and cheese. We gardened. I had flour sack dresses as a small child. Hey, back then it was pretty material and people baked their own breads. God took such good care of me through other people who provided beautiful clothes and sometimes food and even my grandmother's medicines. I would be truly unthankful if I did not give back some of that blessing. So I do more for my children than I should.

The consequences have been that I've had times in the last six years when I had money problems that caused me a lot of stress and I've done without some things I needed for myself. Thankfully, I have good health insurance and a steady job and my husband has a small VA pension and medical care. So, we've survived.

Even before I got my job, in fact, since my sophomore year in college in 94, we struggled with more debt that we could handle that resulted from two years unemployement and waiting on the VA to get his pension. Family sent money here and there when they could but we nearly hit bottom a few times. And there was no housing assistance or food stamps. We had to make it alone. A second mortagage gave us enough money to consolidate debts and temp jobs kept us above water, barely. That extra debt didn't go away once we got jobs. It was one more bill to pay. We struggled to keep from drowning until this last year.

God blessed us by letting us get the house refinanced just before the real estate market bottomed out. I might have gotten a cheaper rate today but I would not have been able to refinance because now, the values of homes has spiraled downward.

During all that time, I have always paid my thithes. There were times when not paying them seemed the better choice but I made a promise that when I got my first job, as long as I earned a dollar, God would have his portion and more if I could do it. I've never backed down from that. And the first two years I worked at my current job, I added $25 every two weeks to my tithes because I had promised God I would if he gave me the job. I had promised to do that for one year but I felt so blessed that I continued for a second year. But hard times came in the form of a teenager who got in trouble. So the extra just wasn't there.

I realize all this may mean nothing to you if you are struggling. The bitterness of hardship lashes out at such tales with "why not me?" Believe me, I know.

I can only say that God has been so very good. He has put people in my path who made my way easier at times. He has opened doors and coffers to fill needs. Not every issue is resolved easily and sometimes something doesn't get fixed. At times, I can't buy something I need. Groceries at times are a problem because I may have to feed six of us for a few days. But we've not gone hungry. The lights are paid, although it has become more difficult here. And we've cut down on going anywhere but to work or to church twice on Sunday.

Today, as I paid my bills, I realized that there has been a little money left over lately that allowed me to start paying down on the few credit debts we have left. I will be clear of one in 60 days and that money can be applied to the second one. I found my student loan payment has dropped to 1/4 of what I was paying. I have no idea why! but I paid more than the minimun, just as I have always done. If God continues to help, I will be able to clear that debt in 12 months... after more than 10 years of trying to pay it off!

In January I got a raise. We get cost of living increases in my job, not that they are anywhere near the cost of living! At the end of the January, during Sunday night service, I felt prompted to give an offering equal to the amount of my raise that month. That's $50. I hesitated about a minute because I debated doubling it. But I stuck with the $50. That is what it cost me in gas each week.

I don't believe in the so called prosperity doctrine. I don't believe that the more you give to a church or a tele-evangelist the richer you will get. BUT I do believe that God takes care of his people. I believe that if we give to God what he asked of us, he will give us all he promised. There may be times we have to struggle but David said that "I've never seen the righteous forsaken or His seed begging bread."

I can promise you, I've never gone hungry but bills have gone unpaid for a time. I always pay my debts but there have been times when it took a little time. I have had to struggle. I have been afraid. And I have cried over my situation. But it is days like today, when I can't figure out what happened to my bills that I am reminded that God is working for my good.

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