Monday, September 14, 2015

Up in the Air

I'm not one to welcome winter. My joints do not appreciate the cold, but that picture is so cozy and makes me want to sit by a fire and read a good book.

This morning, I got Sarah off to school and crashed in the recliner for two hours. I simply couldn't stay up. Tomorrow I go to the doctor about the nodule on my lung and to start testing for sleep apnea. One doesn't know what to hope for in these cases. Oh, the nodule is easy. I hope it is benign. I don't know what I'll do if it isn't. I haven't thought that far ahead. The sleep apnea, if I have it, means a machine I'll have to wear at night and lug around wherever I go, not that I go anywhere much these days. I'm kind of just not feeling anything at the moment about any of it.

I've had virtually no joint pain and now swelling. Just blinding, unrelenting fatigue. I managed to get to church yesterday and when I left I was exhausted, but I couldn't go to bed when I got home because I had Sarah here. She had a friend over and so I sort of dozed in the recliner, but I didn't dare sleep. She's very good, but I don't like people who sleep when young children are in the house.

I'm evaluating options. I have some decisions to make and I hate not having someone to sit down with and go over them. Making major decisions alone is not exciting or fun or even interesting. My inclination is to just toss everything into the air and whatever lands on the table is what I'll do. It seems as efficient a way of decision making as any.

This year seems to be going as bad as any I've had since Jerry died, at least in terms of my health. Of course, every year since 2009 had been one sort of hell or another. The first three years I'd really rather not repeat in any fashion and it is with a great deal of thanks that I have trouble remembering much of '09, '10, and 11. I have no idea what I was doing those years.

My only motivation for posting this today is just because I wanted to sit down and work my brain. I spent the early part of my day in a stupor and I hate it. I could have written several thousand words had my brain been operational. I have sent off my script for Lyrica and we'll see if that med makes any difference. Tomorrow, doctor appointments to deal with the other stuff. Now, I've got short stories to edit so I'm headed to the mine. Fortunately, I like editing.


  1. I'm sure you've already received far more than your fair share of stories and advice - but I'll add mine anyway! My brother has now had his cpap for perhaps 6 or 7 years. No, he doesn't like it (although he tells me they have improved them over the years).. but on the other hand, he loves it. He feels like it's given him his life back. He was one of those who could fall asleep while sitting up in a chair, in the middle of a conversation. Now that he's getting some sleep at night, he's on an evening bowling league, he takes an evening fitness class, he can attend his son's after-school activities, and he no longer worries about falling asleep while behind the wheel. Yes, it is an inconvenience, but they are far more portable than they once were, and much more lightweight.

    Good luck at the doc's office. feel better.

    1. Thank you, Laurie! It always helps to hear to upside.

      Jerry had a CPAP and we fought all the time because he would not use it. I think he expected it to fix everything he was struggling with and when it didn't he gave up. Sadly, it was probably the sleep apnea that contributed to the high BP and heart problem that killed him.

  2. My hubby has a CPAP machine and uses it every night. He tried a couple of different masks before settling on the one he has now which only goes over his nose but it has made a big difference. His comes with its own carry bag and it's not that heavy. It can be taken as an extra item of hand luggage on planes so you don't have to cram it in your suitcase. Hope the doctor's visit goes well.

  3. I will probably need a cpap one day myself. My dad has one for years and I know other people who have used them. I have heard that it restores their energy levels.

  4. So hope that by now you have some good news. we are away travelling in the van so Internet access is hit and miss but I am trying to keep up.