Sunday, May 11, 2014

Many Thoughts

Today is was Mother's Day. I went to church with my oldest son, Mike, my granddaughter, Sarah, and my ex-daughter-in-law, Becca and her boy friend. We went to the church she attends. Afterward we all went to lunch at Mandarin Gardens. I came home with Mike and Sarah and we all took naps, which I really needed. Altogether a nice day, if gloomy and gray. While Becca is no longer married to my son, I'm glad we still like one another and enjoy each other's company. 

I've got a hodgepodge of thoughts going around in my head. The best way I know to deal with them is simply pour them out and start over. So, here we go.

My neck is feeling better, if not cured. The PT appointments are helping. The ladies at Advanced Therapy Innovations are absolutely awesome. They hurt me terribly when I go in and I feel better when I leave. Not as awful as it sounds. What they do to me hurts but once they're done, the long term effect is dramatic and I love it. Feeling much better most of the time. The "Original McKenzie Cervical Roll " I bought has brought a much better night's sleep and less pain on waking. It works most of the time. The exercises they've given me take most of the pain away within a short time and help keep it away throughout the day. No, there is no cure but I think I might survive with their help as long as I can get it.

The job is still a nightmare. I still need to get out. I'm working on it. I'm saving every penny I can spare. I'm paying certain accounts months in advance with the savings. I'm paving the way so I won't have many bills to pay once I leave for at least several months, so I can find some kind of work. I think, I pray, I could get by with about 20 hours a week. That's a conservative guesstimate. I'm praying for a mass layoff which would garner me unemployment pay for a short time. Pray with me. I feel guilty for saying it as my co-workers are suffering as well and a few of them would find it very bad indeed, even with unemployment and they certainly couldn't make it on 20 hrs a week. And we all know jobs in Obama's America are just not there. They know how I feel and I've apologized to them for even thinking that way but they also understand. I am certain that if I continue in this job, I many not make it to the end of the year without something bad happening to me.

Writing is not going well. My fault. I really have been very sick. Only a couple of months ago I was becoming very despondent and the amount of pain had escalated to the point that death was becoming very attractive. I say this in all honesty and with no sense of drama. Just the facts, m'am. I'm not suicidal nor do I want to die but I am here to tell you that sometimes life can become unbearable. I don't care if you disagree. I don't care what your philosophy is or how wonderful you may think life is in general. Or how sacred it is, in fact. A life filled with the kind of pain I was experiencing is not worth anything at all and it most certainly is not sacred at that level, it is cursed. I had clearly reached my tolerance level and it was swiftly going downhill. Now, I am very aware that I am constantly on the brink of that cliff at all times. I live pretty much in terror of falling over and the effect of that on my mental state. It was not and is not good. I have absolutely no desire to live like that, ever, ever, ever.

There was a terrible storm blew in this past week, on Thursday, I think. Neighbor's roof is destroyed by a fallen tree. No one was living there but the owner grew up in that house and it was very difficult for her. Her mother died last year so that only makes it worse. Death usually does. I think it will be too expensive to repair as the whole house needs a lot of work. There are a lot of old trees on that property so it could have been bad for me if those near the property line had come down. They're very tall and I suspect a few could reach my roof, depending on the kind of fall. A broken limb might not be too bad but the tree that fell on their roof was in the other neighbor's yard and landed square on the roof. So, yeah, I'm at risk. Thankful no one was hurt. Mike was sitting at the stop sign right in front of the tree when it fell.

I spent a weekend working outside last week and this wet weekend inside, doing nothing. I did have a writer's meeting on Saturday, which only Kimbra attended but we had a really lovely time. Well, I did, anyway. She spent a lot of it taking notes so I felt quite important. She may have been doing her shopping list as far as I know but it was quite nice to feel "quotable". 

Now Monday has rolled around and I must crawl back into the foxhole and prepare for more shelling. I no longer have any desire to do anything at all because I feel no matter what I do, nothing will change or get better. 

It has been an interesting month and I've had no time to write and none to catch up on blogs. I tried to get around to them all but only managed a few. I am sitting here wondering why I'm bothering with even blogging and I realize this blog is my closest friend. I can say anything to it and be perfectly honest with no judgement. It lets me simply say and feel and whine and complain and welcomes me to do so. And if I don't want comments, I can just turn them off. I don't generally but the fact that I can is quite liberating. 

I've managed to keep checking in on FB and G+ alternately and very quickly. I find myself totally bored with most social media these days. Not that I don't love my "friends", the ones who bother to say hello now and then. I commented on the few blogs I managed to read. I've had no responses or acknowledgements so most likely they no longer remember me. Best wishes and all that. Maybe they're too busy. Or maybe they died. Or maybe it was more important to me.

When I had Multiply, I had this lovely group of blogger friends who I was in almost daily contact with.  I do keep up with those blogs as much as possible, even if I don't always comment. I've tried to find a replacement online, but nothing has worked out. So, now I just try and keep up with those connections and hear from them as time permits but unfortunately, the dynamic has changed and I miss them terribly.

I've become very aware over several months that people who really know me like/love me. Well, I think they do. If they don't, they're very good liars. I'm also very surprised at times by who they are! The most surprising people like me! LOL, isn't that odd? I frequently ask myself why.

So why do I worry about those who don't? Like me, I mean. Well, we can't be liked by everyone. We'd be boring. But it does bother me. I am striving now to make it not so. I realize I've spent a lot of time trying to "fit in" or be "acceptable" and couldn't. I've noticed that since I began take note of this, I have found it easier to let go of entanglements. Almost too easy. I'm not sure what it means. I simply say it here to note it. Once I did that, I found I was able to start seeing the time wasters in my life. I still have too many but maybe that's part of what is wrong with me. I think trying to fill the void left by Jerry is part of it. I've hung on to stuff, like those hoarders on t.v.. but I've managed to pick up baggage that has only served to weigh me down and contributed nothing to my quality of life and, in fact, stressed me even more. Some losses hurt but I'm not stupid. When it bothers me more than anyone else, it was a waste of time. 

See, I told you, many thoughts in my head. Not sure it is more than just detritus but there it is. Maybe now it is cleared out I can do something more constructive. I can't wait till I can plant my flowers! Fingers crossed for sunshine and mild weather. I have a flat of things seeded and am waiting for sprouts. I have a few already. Now I just need to get the ground broken up.

I do hope you're week goes well and that your blogs are much happier than mine. They've been rather weighty lately. Sorry. I do say this is a journal in the description, so forewarned.





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