Tuesday into Wednesday

I'm glad I have a garage. It is cold as ice in it but I'm glad I have it. When the howling Siberian Clippers and the snow comes I'll be doubly glad. Already the weather is biting.

I went to Carolyn's after work yesterday and worked on her computer. She had a lot of junk that was really slowing her system down. I'm not sure she isn't going to have to reformat her drive. There is something that I couldn't remove and I think it is the problem. People, don't download those toolbars! I'm telling you, the are not good. Not even Bing! They serve no real purpose and if you download every one, i.e. yahoo, google, bing, and everyone that goes with every social site where you're a member, you will not be able to see the screen anyway. For heavens sake, I don't care how cute they are do not, do not, do not download those smiley toolbars! I promise you that you will see your spam escalate. I promise you will see your system slow to a crawl. I have warned the whole department dozens of times here. But every six months or so we still end up with someone getting a crash because of some hidden program dropped by "Wiley Smileys" or his kin. One former employee had to have her computer reformatted twice in a year because of Wiley Smiley and some games she'd downloaded. We have another where they were going nearly monthly to clean her up because she played games all day and they were infecting the system. You'll do it anyway, but you've been told.

Once done there I went home and got a hot shower. I was so cold! Her house seemed very cold to me but it was also just bitter outside. I live about three blocks from her so it wasn't far to drive but the car was cold, nonetheless. Once home I got a very hot shower and got in bed. I watched some shows on Hulu... actually just one, Castle. Once that was over I tried to read but I was just sleepy.

I had horrible pain in my leg most of the night. When I got up it was terrible but about 30 minutes afterward it abated to a mild level. Nothing helps. I don't know what I can do but if it were not for that, I could sleep just fine. I think it is sleeping on my back that is causing the problem. But sleeping on my sides causes pain in other areas. On the left side it hurts my neck and gives me a terrible headache. On the right side, my hip is unbearably painful.

So, I didn't sleep well and I had a bad dream on top of all that. I don't feel good this morning at all. I am finding it hard to work because I'm sleepy. I am tempted to ask my doctor to send me on a sleep study. Something really needs to be done.

Now, it is Wednesday and I'm about a third through my work day. It can't end soon enough for me. I almost called in because I felt so bad. Once the pain subsided enough I decided to come on to work. Now, my brain wants to shut down and sleep.

I'm going to grab a bunch of files and get busy sending notices.

Home Revisited

I was asked by someone who saw my post of Home if there was a spiritual meaning behind the film. I've thought long and carefully for a couple of days. I've researched the Bible, websites, and my own view of the world I live in. I found that for me the answer is yes, a profoundly spiritual one. 

Of course, I believe there is a spiritual message in everything. When I was 18 an amazing woman of faith told me if I listened and watched, I could see and hear God in everything. I was astounded by that then but it challenged me to pay attention. It began a practice in me of actively trying to see God's hand and hear his voice in every event I witnessed and every place I visited. Sometime it is hard and the message is not always clear at first but I've never found it untrue.

As a Christian it is up to me to hear it. And as a Christian, I suppose it is up to me to point it out when I see it or hear it. To everyone, believer and unbeliever alike. I can't make you hear me. I would only ask that even if you do not share my spiritual views you at least hear my voice. You don't have to agree with me or comment. 

I believe the Lord is coming back. I believe it is inevitable. Everything I see tells me this. However, I believe that He left us in charge of this place. It was a place of great beauty designed to sustain us indefinitely. I believe that was His plan. I believe what we are doing is as horrible a sin as murder because we have perverted his plan in every way, even by destroying the womb He placed us in.

Is this right? Is it fixable? Those are questions we should be asking. In my personal belief system as a Christian, I do not believe we can stop the Lord coming back but if we believe that all sin is wrong then we are obligated to make every attempt stop what we are doing to ourselves AND our planet. Just because I believe there is an end coming does not mean I am absolved of responsibility. If anything, my responsibility is greater. But no matter what faith or lack of faith you possess, we are all responsible for the world we live in by God's grace.

As I have grown older, I have watched in growing horror at what we have done and are still doing to this beautiful gift we were given. I realize that IF the Lord tarries and my granddaughter is allowed to grow up she will never see the teeming forest of the Amazon. She will never know the taste of icy cold spring water on a mountain shrouded in old growth forest. She will never be able to swim in an equally cold creek whose water is clear as crystal and freezes giggles out of her. She will never gaze on an unpolluted sky. Soon, she may never even be able to see a whale in its natural habitat. This is unconscionable.

For me, there is a profound spiritual meaning to the destruction of our planet. I am connected to it. It is the home I was given and I was given freedom to explore her beauty unfettered. No restraints on climbing mountains to watch the sun set or rise. No restraints to swimming in her oceans. We are free to till her soil, eat from her bounty, and when it is time to return to our Father, our forms can rest beneath her soil and returned from whence it came – earth. It is a closed environment where everything was intended to recycle. For our souls, this is a temporary home but still home.

I'm a old earth creationist. I believe God was careful in His creation. Time means nothing to Him. He had eternity to make this place. That is not an issue for me. I don't care what your position on the time line of creation is... God did it if it took seconds or billions of years. Why is that important to any of us? God cares naught for time. I believe the Bible and I believe it supports a long creation. But neither is an issue that God spent a lot of time on. He clearly indicates time is useless because it is going to be destroyed! People waste more time discussing the clocks than taking care of the important stuff, like other human beings! That is what we are supposed to be doing, caring for one another! What is the point of counting hours? God didn't create clocks.

I believe that He left us in charge of this place, to care for it and the inhabitants of it. It was a place of great beauty designed to sustain us indefinitely. That was His plan. What he took such care in creating out of love we have polluted out of greed. What he took such time in creating, we have destroyed in an amazingly short time. All of us, believer and unbeliever alike have destroyed it. I believe what we are doing is a sin because we have perverted His plan in every possible way, even by destroying the womb he placed us in.

Is this right? Is it fixable? Is there enough time left to stop it? Those are questions we should be asking. Whether we can stop the end of the world is, at this point, moot. Our actions will not stop His coming but my job is to work while it is still day. I am a steward and it is my responsibility to do what I can do to honor what He has given me. I am to do my best to aide those who share my world.

God cared enough for the whole creation that he put not only Noah and his family on the ark, he put animals on the ark! He put the planet in a washing machine to clean it up. He had no desire to destroy all he had so carefully built. And it means so much to Him that when this earth is destroyed, He has every intention of rebuilding it. This planet meant something to God. When He decides to return, what will He find? It will be so bad He already has to plans to create a NEW Heaven and a NEW earth. The old one isn't fit to re-inhabit! We have corrupted not only ourselves, but out entire world.

Is there scripture for this? I believe so.

David said in Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;

Who are we to think we have a right to destroy what belongs to God? It isn't yours to destroy!

Deuteronomy 20:19 “When you besiege a city for a long time, while making war against it to take it, you shall not destroy its trees by wielding an ax against them; if you can eat of them, do not cut them down to use in the siege, for the tree of the field is man’s food.

This is in the Law of God. But then, so is "Thou shalt not kill." We've never respected those Laws but they were designed to keep us and the planet healthy and in balance. God knew before we came here what it would take to live here. Adam and Eve were supposed to exist in a healthy world. The garden of Eden was not just a small plot of ground. It was this planet. No other planet has been located with the conditions found on this planet. It was perfectly balanced to sustain US. What a mighty God and what a beautiful plan. And immediately, we corrupted it.

Isaiah 24 is a clearly indicates why this is happening, who caused it and for what reason. This is a small but very telling section of that chapter.

Isaiah 24:4-6

       3 The land shall be entirely emptied and utterly plundered,
      For the LORD has spoken this word.
       4 The earth mourns and fades away,
      The world languishes and fades away;
      The haughty people of the earth languish.
       5 The earth is also defiled under its inhabitants,
      Because they have transgressed the laws,
      Changed the ordinance,
      Broken the everlasting covenant.
       6 Therefore the curse has devoured the earth,
      And those who dwell in it are desolate.
      Therefore the inhabitants of the earth are burned,
      And few men are left.

For those who say the Bible is not prophetic, think again. We caused this to happen. We are responsible. And it won't stop time ending. But does that mean we can't do anything and should allow it to just continue unabated, with no attempt to correct it? Can it be stopped? The destruction, in my belief, can't be stopped. It is too late. This broken covenant was between God and man. He'd care for us, sustain us, provide us with a beautiful home. We had only to follow Him. We immediately set about changing the ordinances and transgressing the laws. You know the ones designed to keep us healthy and in balance? Ordinances: a law set forth by a governmental authority: a prescribed usage, practice, or ceremony (MW Online) You have these in your local government. They are set up so people don't have pig farms in the back yard or the city park. That'd be unhealthy!

2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

I still believe in the power of the Almighty. I can't convert the whole world. I can only give my witness and live according to the laws and ordinances that were set forth. I can do my best to do what He intended for me to do. I am only one. But in the film, at the end it says that one person can make changes and if every ONE makes changes, then we can see a difference. We may never be able to restore anything but to do nothing? “Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17 (New KJV)

It is up to me to say what I believe. It is up to me to do my part in changing my world, both physically and spiritually. I can pray all day for the rivers to be clean, for my safety of my children. I do not desire to see the effects of petroleum distillates in my children. But every time I dump chemicals in the water or on the ground, I'm contribution to the destruction. You can't eat the fish out of the Ohio River where I live. They are poison. What have we done? Did I do that? We all did. Pay attention to how many times greed is mentioned in this film.

I don't care what your religious beliefs are. You are responsible for the state of this planet if you live here. You are responsible for whether or not we have peace among our nations. You are responsible for your life at the end of time. But my job, as a believer is to speak out. I am a citizen of this world. I have a residence waiting elsewhere. But what if I die tomorrow, BEFORE the end of everyone else's time? There are still people living here! What gives me the right to leave it in a state they can't even survive in? None. And yet, it has been happening for thousands of years.

I am not a preacher. I am a lowly southern girl raised by people who lived off the land. I was born where trees grew thick and tall and smelled heavenly on a summer day. In that part of the world, they replaced trees when they where cut. Men farm the trees there for a living. I remember the smell of rain on those summer days and I marvel at how little rain falls now. I miss the smell of ozone in a summer thunder storm because the changing climate no longer produces many such summer storms. The clouds that cover my area are usually void of rain. I won't teach my Sarah to fish. What is the point? She can't eat it.

I believe we are living in the last days of time. That does not excuse our continued destruction of this planet because of our greed. We are not only destroying the planet we are destroying our PEOPLE. They are souls. If I die tomorrow, God has taken me to my eternal home. You are left here to continue defiling the home of millions. And your flip answer maybe that since I think God will destroy it all why should we care? Because it is the right thing to do.

It is a spiritual issue. I am deeply grateful for this place. I could sit and watch the trees and birds for hours and warm myself in the sun. I could sit on the beach and listen to the sound of the waves crashing on shore. All my life, I loved to sit on the porch and listen to the raging storms, watch the lightening, laughing at the thunder. No, I do not worship the creation. I worship the creator. I see Him in all of that. The works of His hands are beautiful to me.

And I'm furiously angry that man has destroyed it, continues to destroy it.There is a place in me, when I see those denuded mountains, sullied lakes and rivers, disappearing wet lands that wants to lash out at the people who did that. I can't. It would do no good. I can only attempt not to be one of them. But think about it. If I am that angry... how angry is God?

The Downhill Side of Friday

Wheee! I have about two and a half hours to go! I will be off until Monday. I have been pretty exhausted all week but I'm so looking forward to the weekend I don't care. I did not want to get up this morning. I think I sat up too late but I was reading and watching stuff on t.v. and chatting with Kat for a short time. I turned things off at 10:30 but got sidetracked with something I was reading. One of the e-zines I mentioned yesterday.

I went to the doctor today to followup on that medicine he wanted me to take a month ago but which made me stay awake. Mainly I wanted him to know why I didn't take it and that I thought I had found the culprit to the worsening depression and the severe anxiety attacks. He didn't say anything really. I told him I'd been off of it for two weeks and that I was 100% better.. compared to what I was before anyway. He suggested Yoga for the stiffness. Bah humbug.

I was sitting in his office looking at this thing on the wall. It was a shelf with a coat hook on it. I studied it for several minutes and decided I can make one of these. I am going to buy myself a router. I can make this shelf easily and put it in my bathroom with a towel rack underneath instead of the hooks. It will be sturdier and easier to hang than a simple rod and will give me the added shelf for anything I need. In fact, I think I could make this where there is more than one shelf. And I think mine will be far prettier than the simple one in his office. AND if I'm really brilliant, I could put a mirrored back on it. I do love building things.

Now if I could feel rested I think I'd feel pretty good.

I signed up for a writing clinic. I don't know how it will go but I'm trying to get some things to do for the long dark months ahead. Again, the day was mostly overcast and gloomy. Although, at six a.m. this morning the sky was really light. I was surprised because usually when I've been getting up it has been rather dark... at least to me.

For now, I'm going to get back to work. Hope you all have had a nice Friday. May your coming Saturday be sunny and warm... will it will be somewhere. Probably not here.

Time, Prayer, and a Hot Shower

The week has just not been very much fun. I know, I say it all the time. Even I'm bored with me. But I've just been exhausted and my joints have been so painful - hips and knees especially. I don't know what I can do about other than complain. And since I live alone, there is no one to say I can't.

The traffic is just horrendous. This is not a large town. But you would think that for the last week every person with a car has decided to take to the roads at 7:30 in the morning and at 5 in the evening! And they are stupid! They drive too slow, don't signal, tailgate, dart out in front of you. All manner of idiotic things. I just want to get to work and get home... all in one piece.

I'm trying to read some this week. Since the depression and anxiety are better, I find I can focus a little better. Not much. I'm so sleepy I can't stay awake at times. I went to Reason's to Believe and downloaded some online magazines. I printed them off because I still like printed books and magazines.

The founder of Reason's to Believe is Hugh Ross. He is an astral physicist who has a truly wonderful testimony about his conversion. When I was in college studying geology and anthropology and struggling with my faith. I found his book, The Creator and Time and The Creator and The Cosmos. These books are brilliant at giving the scientific explanation of creation and showing how it is supported by the Bible.

I've also been reading a book by Beth Moore Praying God's Word. It is a difficult book for me to read but I've had too many books fall into my hands by unexplainable means to not read it. Laugh if you want. I've been "sent" certain books to read when I needed them. There are four books, the three here, that I can definitely say were "sent" to me. No one gave them to me either. I bought each one but the story behind each purchase is how I know they were placed in my path. So, I'm trying to read this one.

Now, I think I'll find that hot shower. I said today that I needed to build myself a heated pool. Carolyn, my friend and coworker smiled and said, "Yes, and hire a pool boy."

She may be on to something.

Night Meanderings

I am about to go to bed for the evening. I came home from work and got a hot shower and got in bed, as I do every evening. The heat from the electric blanket has not helped much the last couple of days. I guess this weather has just tied me up in knots. My back, knees, hips and feet just hurt. Hot water helps but one can only stay in the bath so long. I've done some reading and watched tv shows.

The depression abates and clarity returns but slowly. I am filled with that constant sadness that never fully goes away. It settles around me like a cloud. Remember the kid in the Peanuts comic who had this cloud that followed him? We all laughed about it. It isn't funny. I can't shake it. I do things to keep me occupied but I'm never really happy. I exist in some halfway state, able to pretend for short times that "I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm happy."

People say things like, "You're better." "You sound better." "You feel better." I truly get so tired of it. They have said it for almost two years. These days I simply lie. Yes. Lie. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not even sorry. I'm forced to lie or people keep telling me "You'll get better." This further tires me because it forces me to continue to lie. It is exhausting to keep up appearances.

I would never have believed that people did this to widows. To expect us to wake up one day and say, "OK! I'm better now. They're dead and not coming back and so I can live my life now as if it was all just a bad dream. No problem! I'm fully recovered and my old self."

We will never ever be ourselves again. The person we were, the one you knew, is dead. It isn't a joke. It isn't going away. It isn't going to change. We are not who we were. And we don't know who we are anymore. We will not laugh at the same jokes. We will not plan in the same way. We will not look at anything with the same eyes. We will not laugh so easily. We will cry more. We will not care about your petty squabbles with you family because we know the price.

I heard a woman this past weekend being so rude to her husband in a restaurant. They looked much older than I. He was trying to help her. She was so nasty to him. I simply wanted to tell her she was a ugly harridan who ought to have to sit out in the cold so other people didn't have to look at her or listen to her. He sat at a table alone with another man while she sat with some women and acted like they were fresh cream. My gut wrenched and I wanted to slap her.

We feel hate much easier, too. We see injustice and cruelty with a clearer eye. Death is reflective. In him you see who you really are and you cringe from it. And the ugliness in others is much more sharply defined.

I hate holidays. Mama had a stroke Dec 24 1973 and died Jan 2 of 1974. Daddy died in late November or early December - I was in finals in 1990. Jerry died in January 2010. My life is filled with bitter and broken Christmases and New Years.

I thought today that if I were truly brave, truly bold I'd catch a flight to Tahiti and lie on the beach for the whole week. It is summer there and warm. The only lying I would do would be on the sand.

I'm not brave or bold anymore. I'm terrified.