A Giant Crane Is In the Way

When I walked in this morning, before even the boss was here, I was met at the door by another employee. "The computers aren't working."

After unlocking my door and putting my bag on the desk, I went in search of the tech guy's phone number. Jay is a nice guy who works with the company we've contracted for technical support. We have lots of issues and it seems Jay is always on the job.

"Jay, we're having problems over here. System is down. Is it the same problem as yesterday or is something else going on?"

"It's the same thing. There is a giant crane in our way."

Ah.

"We're coming over today and move the tower to the corner of the building to see if we can work around it. Either Friday or Monday we're getting an emergency server at your place and that should fix it."

They are building an arena downtown. There are lots of steel beams and a giant crane smack in the center of town and smack in the center of our wireless towers. My building is seven floors and on the roof is our tower. Corporate placed the other tower on the roof of another building next to their office, a two story building. The arena, I suspect, is going to be as high as my building. The crane certainly is higher. So, we can't connect with corporate via the internet. We can't process any paperwork. We can't pull reports. There is a giant crane in the way.

We had lots of problems with the wireless when we first got it about nine years ago. They had to move those towers all over before they found a clear line of sight. I asked them, "What if someone builds something between them?"

They felt there was little chance of that. Well, there WAS a building already in the spot where the arena is now being constructed. But buildings fall to progress with amazing frequency. People's minds do not move that fast or often. So, now there is a giant crane standing between us. It isn't going anywhere.

There is always a giant crane somewhere, blocking communications, interfering with daily life, wreaking havoc for someone. People have to move things to get around them, reposition themselves to find the spot where the crane loses its ability to cut one off. The giant crane can't move because the work it must do can only be done from that location. It sinks its giant legs into the ground and begins its work of erecting towers that block the light and cast shadows across one's path. It isn't going anywhere.

I suppose giant cranes serve a purpose. They help some to reach high places and erect great monuments. They aide in lifting heavy burdens that would otherwise be impossible to lift. But when they block your path, they tend to be a nuisance. Things that need to be done, don't get done. Progress is stopped. Disappointments and frustrations pile up. The only solution is to change either your position or location. You have to find a path around the giant crane that will allow everything to flow uninterrupted. It's a giant crane. It isn't going anywhere. You have to be the one to move.

Monday Thoughts

How shall we do this? Do I number them? Probably isn't enough to bother. Do I alphabetize them? Again, not enough.

I think I should have stayed in bed. My back is still hurting. I still can't move in certain directions or ways.

I think if I could get 10 hours sleep and wake up feeling human, life might be nice.

I think I do not like being alone. I've never been alone in my whole life. I used to think I'd like being alone sometimes. I was wrong. Or maybe I was mistaken.

I think I'll get some more flowers and plant them. I've got nothing else to do and there will be less grass to mow.

I think I'll get more bird feeders and another bird bath. Birds are our friends.

I think I need to find a contractor to fix the house. I just don't want to bother with it.

I think I need more money. It isn't good for much but it is nice to have on a rainy day in the Bahamas. Or England..... or to pay a contractor.

I think I'd like to retire... now. But I haven't won the lottery yet.... I haven't even bought a ticket.

I think I should buy a ticket.

I think I am probably slightly depressed but honestly, it doesn't hurt unless I think about it.

I think when 5:00 p.m. rolls around I will breath a sigh of relief.

I think this is one of the most boring blogs I've ever posted.

I think I'll stop now. I'm really reaching.

Where I Am....

So many places. I'm under that red umbrella for starters. It is 78 degrees out here and there is a breeze. I stayed in all day in a chair and my back is not much better. I finally decided to come out and walk around. I watered the plants and cleaned out the fountain. The birds love it and the feeders. I've watched dozens have lunch.

I watered flowers planted over the Memorial Day weekend. I took water out of Sarah's pool with a watering can and found that my upper back, around the shoulder blade is still in bad shape. I feel it in my neck and across my back. I can't do anything about it so chose to ignore it long enough to water the plants. There is a lot more water in the pool! I could probably water for days and probably will. No more emptying the pool and wasting all that water.

I'm watching the fountain as it sings in my backyard. When I sit here like this I never want to go anywhere else. Is that wrong? Just to sit here and not worry about anything or think about anything.

I'm re-reading my story, Hidden in the Mist. I started about five chapters from the end and am reading forward to give me an idea of what was happening when I stopped in 2008 for Nano and never went back to it because life. . . and death diverted me along a different path. It will need a new title eventually I suspect. However, I can't figure out why this thing is any good. . . but I have to say that a lot of it is pretty good. I refuse to fix a single thing until I'm done with it. So, I'm going to do that. I'm tempted to give myself a deadline. They work pretty good for me but I don't know how to monitor it.

The wind is blowing and the sky is blue and I sit here wondering what you are supposed to do when your whole life has been centered around the people you love and you wake up one day and they are all gone and you are still here? Remember the lyrics "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"? The song is Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson. I always liked it and have it playing on Project Playlist. The one phrase is truer than even I ever knew. Yet, life always finds something else to take from you. You really don't want to be that free.

I'm in a strange place, on the edge of something that I can't see. I try not to see beyond now, not to think about tomorrow until I get up in the morning. In fact, I try not to think about much of anything. It works better that way.

Sunday Pressures

I feel like I just went on a cross country hike carrying a 20 lb pack! I woke to creaking joints. Everything is stiff! Last night I had to get up and put the Valtoren gel on my lower back and at the spine around my neck. I think I'll have to do it this morning too, and take a hot shower! My shoulders are stiff, too.

I'm supposed to take Sarah and Mike to Sunday School this morning but I don't know if I'm going to get loosened up enough to do that. Mike can drive but I'll have to wrestle with Sarah. And much as I love her, when I'm like this, I just can't lift her around. Dave and Becca say they have to do laundry so they can't go with me.

I get so tired of being tired and stiff, of having a nice day and then several bad ones. It seems if I do anything on Saturdays I pay on Sundays! I don't know what I can do about it. That's the way the weekend falls. If I don't work around the house and yard, or I don't play with Sarah, and I don't go shopping. And if I sit too much, I have the same problem....

I'm going now to see if I can get sorted out.

Short Week

I am working today and then I am off until Monday. This two day work week is really nice! I've had a sort of mini vacation for the last two weeks. I'm going to have to plan next year, if the Lord is willing, around the May and June holidays. Had I been able to take my vacation the last week of May I'd have had fewer days counted on my vacation time! But I didn't plan for that vacation and it cost me very little so I'm grateful for it. I needed to get away.

I'm out of St. John's Wort for the last three days. I'll get to the store soon but I think I'm going to try and cut back to one a day. I've been taking two a day for a year now and at some point I have to start reducing it. I'm not going to live my life being controlled by this. I've done it before and I can do it again. Just don't know how hard it will be this time. I can't shut off my mind.

I was reminded yesterday morning of a place in the Bible where it calls satan an accuser of the brethen. I always have difficult time early in the mornings and in the evenings, when I am home. I am waking up at 6 every morning and since I apparently can't change it, I have been reading my Bible a bit, reading Streams in the Desert - a devotional I have, and praying. You must understand that praying is very very hard, almost impossible. Not that I don't believe in prayer, but because the overwhelming state of my mind can't go beyond a certain point before I just lose sight of everything but a prayer for help through this mess.

Anyway while sitting on the sofa saying a prayer, I had this . . . vision. . . . or if you prefer, impression of someone sitting across from me smiling and pointing out all these things to me, things I already know and struggle with. No, I am not crazy. I am not seeing "things". Not actually seeing them, just in my imagination. I don't need a shrink. And yes, I do know how to handle those things. My grandmother taught me that a long time ago. I did what she taught me to do, what I've always done. I prayed against it. I prayed over my house and property. And yes, "it" left. The accusations stopped in moments. You call it what you will. Power of positive thinking, positive affirmation, self-hypnosis, all that bunk. I don't care what other people call it. I know what I call it. And I had a respite from it all. My house was clear and while I'm still in this horrible fog that won't let me think, at least I was able to not think about things that were painful.

There was a writer's meeting of sort last night. Three of us, Sarah, Cassie, and me. Katie and Kathy had prior commitments but we don't know where Doug is. We have not heard in over a week from him. His job is so hectic and he works long hours so it isn't unusual for him to be invisible for a long time but we missed him at the meeting. He usually lets us know he's out there. Have to email him today just to check on him.

I'm going to work. Only 8 hours and I am off for the weekend. That will be so nice if I can get some things accomplished. I've really had this cloudy thinking for two weeks now, worse than usual, and I'm not getting anywhere. Last night I started working on Mist again. I think I'll go back to it and leave Simon alone for now. I want to finish Mist. Maybe finishing one story will be a positive influence. And Mist is nearly finished. I'm on the last leg of the first draft. I don't know where Alice had gotten to but I'm sending her an email.

Most of you may have seen my sister's blog this morning. They are having a difficult time right now. If you pray please keep them in your prayers. It is the only way I know of to help.